Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ah, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

After striving his whole life

to return to Olympus,

Hercules turned down immortality

in favor of a mortal life on Earth

With the woman he loved, Megara.

Uh, Bobby, baby, aren't you getting

a little ahead of yourself?

Our show is about Hercules

in his teenage years.

Bear with me, ladies, please,

just this once.

All right, Bob, but there better be

some teen shenanigans in this.

Yes, yes, we'll be getting jiggy

with the boy, I assure you.

Hercules and Megara

lived happily ever after,

but what happens after "ever after"?

Well, they settled down in Thebes.

Actually, it was a suburb of Thebes.

Thebes proper was no place

to raise a family.

Oh, yeah, that one goes

up there with the others.

[grunting]

Uh, you know what? Allow me.

Ah. There.

Gee, that's real... subtle.

Oh, yeah? You like it?

I thought we could use some of my hero

mementos to, you know, decorate the place.

Herc, you've, um, managed to erect

a hero monument in every room.

I'm sorry, honey. I just, you know,

want you to be proud of me.

You big ox, I don't need statues

to remind me how great you are.

I've got the real thing.

[man grunts]

Where do you all want this one?

[crash]

Oops.

Huh. What is this stuff?

It says "Prometheus Acad-- "

Oh, no!

Hermes.

Yo, babe.

Take this back to Phil's island, will you?

Hey, isn't this, uh--

Now.

Whoo. Touchy.

Epsilon Haul-It moving company

won't be held responsible

for any items lost

due to divine intervention.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

That's, uh, uh, that's great.

Ah, well, let's get back to--

Not so fast, bicep boy. What's in the jar?

[stuttering] In the uh... Nothing.

Fine. I'll just catch up with Hermes

And see for myself.

No, no, wait, uh, I'll tell you.

It's just filled with some dumb stuff

from...high school, that's all.

High school? [laughs] I have got to--

Oh, no, no. No, no. I mean,

we, uh, we got so much left to unpack.

So, you know, let's forget

all about the high school stuff

and, and get back to work

'cause...you know, hon?

What are you hiding, wonder boy?

Hey, Meg, I'm going to need

your opinion here.

Aw, come on.

You're not mad just because I wouldn't

let you look at that stupid [gasps] urn?

Pegasus! No, she wouldn't.

She couldn't.

She did.

[Pegasus neighs]

Tell me you're not taking

the scenic route.

[snorts]

[Philoctetes]

Looking for something, sister?

When Hermes showed up with this,

I figured you wouldn't be far behind.

Score one for the satyr.

I don't get it, Phil.

What's the big secret?

Well, high school wasn't exactly

the most graceful period of Herc's life.

He's kind of embarrassed about it.

Aw, how bad could it have been?

Bad.

[screaming]

D'oh!

Oy! He was a one-man hurricane.

A-ha!

Here it is,

the Prometheus Academy yearbook.

Now let's see, Hercules, Hercules...

[laughing hysterically]

Hey, give the kid a break.

They took that on his first day of school.

So, Phil, what was it like

raising a wonder boy?

What was it like?

Sisyphus got off easy compared to me.

Oh, come on.

Herc's been a boy scout his whole life.

He couldn't have been that much trouble.

Oh, no? What would you say

if I told you he sank this island?

I'd say tell me more.

Well, as I remember it...

Bye-bye.

I was out of town for the weekend and

Herc got it in his head to have a party.

The whole island to myself!

So, uh, what do you want to do first?

[burps]

[Philoctetes]

Of course, he couldn't pull it off

without a little divine intervention.

Bacchus, uh, wait.

If you're not too busy tonight,

could you liven up my party?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know, make it more of a bacchanal.

The son of Zeus? Are you kidding?

I'm there. It's party time.

Lend me your ears.

♪ Here's an open invitation ♪

♪ To the finest feast in Greece ♪

♪ It's an awesome celebration ♪

♪ Guaranteed to disturb the peace ♪

♪ It's a jamming extravaganza ♪

♪ With a hot cucaracha beat, whoo ♪

♪ You don't need to ask directions ♪

♪ No, no, just follow your dancing feet ♪

♪ At the bacchanal It's a non-stop party ♪

Oh, look at me. I'm dancing!

♪ The biggest smash

that Bacchus has ever thrown ♪

Whoo!

♪ People wall to wall ♪

♪ Gonna party hardy ♪

Hey!

♪ We'll boogie to the beat

till the sheep come home ♪

[bleating]

♪ Grapes juice you'll snatch up

straight from the fountain ♪

♪ Shake it up

and slide down the mountain ♪

♪ Strike a pose

so everyone knows you're cool ♪

[laughs]

♪ Grip those hips and move to the conga ♪

♪ Steal a kiss, scream "cowabunga!" ♪

♪ Mosh pit meltdown ♪

Everyone in the pool! Me first.

♪ At the bacchanal It's a non-stop party ♪

Boom! Boom!

♪ The biggest bash that

Bacchus has ever thrown... ♪

[Philoctetes]

Herc's bacchanal was a big hit.

Unfortunately for Herc,

Poseidon likes his beauty rest.

♪ You're sure to have a ball

at the bacchanal ♪

Oh, poor Herc. He must have felt

like the king of the dorks.

Oh, no, no, no.

That honor went to his best friend Icarus.

Oh, uh, Herc told me about him.

He's the kid

who flew too close to the sun, right?

Bingo.

Yeah, he looks a little geeky,

but he at least had a girlfriend, right?

Icarus thought he had a girlfriend.

Cassandra didn't quite see it that way.

[screaming]

-[groaning]

-[exclaims]

[sighs]

Ah!

Any last requests?

Yes, I request the opportunity

to recite a love poem

I wrote for my sweet Cassandra.

[clearing throat]

I request you gag him immediately.

Your gallows humor

So apropos to this moment.

Hey, the Argonauts of the Aegean ride!

Come, my sweet.

[imitating pirate]

Let us set sail with the wildest crew

that ever sought a sacred shag. Yar!

Wait. Is this that underground

boat ride in the dark?

Really dark. Give you any ideas?

[purrs]

Yeah, nobody will see me

push you overboard. Let's go.

[sniffs]

The ladies go wild

for sardine and onion breath.

Isn't that right, honey?

Oh, loveykins, you ever see a guy bring up

a whole date smoothie through his nose?

Please, watch.

Ta-da!

You know, baby,

if you ever wanted me out of your life,

I love you enough

that I would get right out.

-Get out.

- Like a bat out of the underworld,

-you could color me gone.

-Leave. Get out. Go.

I mean, if you love something,

you set it free, right?

[Cassandra sighs]

Icarus was one odd kid.

So what ever happened to him?

He went into manufacturing

with his dad and made a fortune.

You've probably seen his ads,

"Icarus the wax wing king."

And Cassandra?

She got recruited

by the Oracle friends network.

Now they call her

the psychic cynic to the stars.

Whoa! I had forgotten all about this.

What?

No, I don't think so.

I've shown you too much already.

Come on, Phil. It can't be that bad.

Oh, no. This is different.

If the kid knew I showed you this...

Right. What could be more embarrassing

than sinking your island?

Well, how about--

No!

-This.

-[bleating]

Herc, so glad you could make it.

So, are we going to have story time

or do I have to shear your little pal?

It's not my fault. She made me do it.

I take no responsibility, and... Uh...

I'm out of here.

Oh, Meg, how could you?

Oh, can you blame a girl

for wanting to know what her man was like

in his wonder boy years?

All right. You win.

But I warn you, it isn't pretty.

It was intern week and I thought I landed

the coolest job ever at Gyro Wurld.

And, finally, Hercules, spawn of Zeus,

Shall report to Gyro Wurld.

[screams and grunts]

Yes! I get to work at hero world.

[Hermes screams]

[man] Not "hero," "Gyro Wurld,"

home of the tasty lamb sandwich.

[Hermes grunts]

[chuckles] Where our slogan is...

[sighs] Make mine mutton.

Yes! You're a natural. [chuckles]

[Adonis] Oh, mutton boy?

Oops.

[laughing]

Ah! I can't take this anymore. I quit.

Oh, don't quit.

That would be [bleating] bad.

[Hercules] My father backed me up 100%.

He even got me a better job,

driving Apollo's chariot.

If it makes you happy,

I'll assume full responsibility

for his actions.

Apollo, you have nothing to worry about.

Whoa! See you later.

[Hercules]

Of course, I couldn't resist showing off.

-Whoo-hoo! Adonis!

-What?

How's this for a job?

[Hercules]

That's when Hades made his move.

Target acquired and vectored in.

Oh, no.

How should I know where the sun is?

You think I'm omniscient or something?

[all] Yes.

I don't want to say, you know,

that you're falling down on the job,

but, hey, timber!

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if

these guys call for a no-confidence vote

and put some, you know, deserving god up

as a replacement for you,

you know, some guy, like, uh...

A replacement? Forget it, Hades.

I'm Zeus, lord of Olympus,

and my fellow gods would never vote

to unseat me, right?

All right, enough chitchat.

Let's rock the vote.

Herc, you got to get out of there.

You can't have more than 10 seconds

before the whole thing

blows sky-high, baby.

[Icarus sobs]

[Hercules]

Things looked pretty dark for a while,

but it all worked out in the end.

[sighs]

[Hades] Hey, but wasn't this

an interesting experiment in democracy?

Really, folks, huh?

Zeus, come on, baby.

No, don't do anything rash

'cause I'm, you know,

I'm your baby brother.

I'm your little kid brother. [chuckles]

Remember those games we used to play?

How about this one?

Run away as fast as you can.

-[lightning cracking] [screaming]

Lost suns, sinking islands,

wow, your teen years

made for a real shindig, Herc.

Yeah, there was always

some disaster around the corner.

So, this is the real reason

you didn't want me to see this stuff.

Uh-oh. Well, her name was Galatea.

Oh, she's beautiful, perfect.

Beautiful? Yes. Perfect? No.

You see, the Aphrodisia Dance

was coming up

and I--I couldn't get a date.

Then Icarus and I had an idea.

Finished.

Hey, you were going for a gorgon?

Uh, well, Aphrodite will get the idea.

We made a woman out of clay

and summoned Aphrodite.

♪ Aphrodite ♪

So what can I do for you?

Uh, ha ha, could you

bring her to life, please?

I, uh, need a date for the dance.

Ooh. All right, I'm thinking makeover.

OK, good. A--A little more curvy?

Uh, OK, that's curvy enough

for you, young man.

That's it. She's perfect.

Oh, thank you, Aphrodite.

Aren't you forgetting something?

[gasps] The corsage!

Hello? Her personality?

Oh, I hadn't thought about that.

Uh, just make her, uh, crazy about me.

Digging deep, huh?

OK, here's your dream date.

Hercules, meet Galatea.

She's everything you've asked for.

Uh, hi.

[chuckles] Hi.

[Hercules] She made Galatea

exactly what I wanted her to be.

Oh, yeah, she's a keeper.

[Hercules]

And that's where it all went wrong.

Galatea, let me tell you.

Hercules is so kind and cute.

He's a total doll.

She's already making friends with Helen.

Look at Hercules again

and I will rip out your vocal cords.

Okey-dokey.

It's an insult to the gods

to award this honor to Jercules.

[screaming]

I won't have you talking

to Hercules like that.

Galatea, put Adonis down.

I don't want you to hurt him.

You don't? Well, OK, then.

Oh, I would never, ever

do anything to displease you.

Galatea, we've got to talk.

You're a nice girl,

perfect, even, in some ways,

but I don't think this is working out.

Is it me? 'cause I--I can change.

Would you like me taller? Shorter?

Something more exotic?

I'm sorry, Galatea, but it's over.

It can't be over!

[grunting]

No, I won't let you go.

Don't you understand?

I'm crazy about you.

Come with me, if you want to live.

-[door opens]

-[all gasping]

I'm back! Miss me?

Hercules, you...me...dance...now.

Sorry, Galatea,

but I'm sitting this one out.

[screaming]

Please, please, don't panic.

Get out of my way.

Don't play hard-to-get.

[screams]

Galatea!

Oh!

[Hercules] Fortunately,

Aphrodite fixed everything, sort of.

Trouble with the little lady, Hercules?

Galatea deserved better.

She deserved to be her own person.

Galatea, I'm sorry. May I have this dance?

Oh, Hercules, that would be wonderful

if I felt that way about you,

which I don't, and I'm sorry,

but you know what? It's not you, it's me.

You made a woman out of clay?

I--I was a teenage boy.

It seemed like a really good idea.

[chuckles] But, you know,

as disastrous as that was,

that was nothing

compared to graduation day.

And so as you head out into the world,

your hearts are filled

with dreams and expectations,

mostly because you're woefully ignorant

of the dismal job market.

[Hercules] Everyone was gathered

for the commencement ceremony,

everyone except me.

I'm going to be late for graduation.

[screaming]

I'm going to be late for graduation.

Oh, man, I can't be late for graduation.

But I finally made it just in time.

And so your high school education

comes to a glorious conclusion,

except for Adonis, who is one credit short

and will have to attend summer school.

[Adonis wails]

I now pronounce you all

Prometheus Academy graduates.

-[all cheering]

-Yahoo!

Oops.

[chuckles] I, uh, bet you don't get

invited back for alumni weekends.

See? This is why I didn't want

you to see any of this stuff.

Now you're going to think

of me as that geeky loser.

I want you to think of me

as I am now, a hero.

Oh, you big lug.

So you went through an awkward phase.

You know what?

It made you the hero you are today.

♪ You were awkward in high school ♪

♪ A little unsure ♪

♪ Had a case of the clumsies

that needed a cure ♪

♪ But the most precious gems

have their roots in the rough ♪

♪ Just like my hero ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ Made a number of blunders

But haven't we all? ♪

♪ Still you always worked wonders ♪

♪ With your back to the wall ♪

♪ Though I'm duly impressed ♪

♪ With this fisticuff stuff ♪

♪ It's just a small part of ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ There have been hits, a few misses ♪

♪ One or two in-betweens ♪

♪ A couple of kisses ♪

♪ And some devilish dreams ♪

♪ You've fought monstrous battles ♪

♪ Made some narrow escapes ♪

♪ But I'm much more in awe

of your character traits ♪

♪ 'Cause you're gentle and kind ♪

♪ And you never give up ♪

♪ This is what makes you ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ I thank Zeus for this gift ♪

♪ From Olympus above ♪

♪ My number one hero ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

Special delivery.

What's that?

Well, when I figured out

what you were up to,

I sent Hermes on

a special mission to retrieve...

your high school yearbook.

No, you wouldn't.

Aw, come on, Meg.

There can't be anything embarrassing

in your past, can there?

Oh, well, lookie here.

Our little Megara was

a... [gasps] A cheerleader!

Give me that.

-Ha! Look at your hair.

-That was the style of the time.

[Hercules] Uh, you were in the Glee Club?

[theme music playing]