Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Icarus reading]

[Hercules] And, finally, my model city

would include a pantheon of heroes.

Ooh! Oh! [sighs]

Perfect. Another city

destroyed by Mr. Hercules.

Well, flunkards, so far,

I'm very disappointed

In your pitiful excuses for model cities.

Mr. Adonis and his

so-called "Adonisville."

Not enough statues of me?

And, Miss Cassandra,

with her ridiculous city of the future.

And that brings us to Mr. Icarus.

I trust you won't disappoint me.

Well, trust away, Mr. Herodotus.

OK. Uh, the time has come

to unveil my model city.

Prepare to be amazed

because it's really, really, really good.

[gong]

Oh, darn it!

Now I won't get to show off

my magnificent handiwork.

Well, see ya!

Mr. Icarus, I expect to be

amazed by your project

first thing Monday morning.

Yeah, well, it'll be amazing, all right.

Humpf!

Whoo! [sighs]

Oh, no, Icarus.

That rock crushed your model.

Actually, right now,

that rock is my model.

But yesterday you told me

all you had to do

was put on the finishing touches.

You're gonna fail.

I will not!

My project may be a little late,

I may not know diddly

about planning a city,

but I'll do what generations

of students before me have done

when faced with this same situation--

Go to the library and copy some stuff.

Copy? Y-- You're not supposed to--

Why do you have to fly to the library?

It's not just any library, pal.

[Bob] Oh, no, indeed.

Icarus was flying to the greatest library

in the history of humanity--

The library of Alexandria

in faraway Egypt--

A legendary institution

boasting scrolls

on every subject imaginable.

"City Planning Made Easy,"

"Hey, Let's Build A City,"

"The Seven Habits Of Highly

Effective City Planners",

"How To Fly While Carrying

A Stack Of Heavy Scrolls."

Uh, yeah. You know what?

On second thought, I really

don't need that last one.

D'oh! [grunting] That... might...

have... been a mistake.

[grunts]

Now, where am I?

Ah! Hmm.

Sparta, no. Ithaca, no.

Athens, no. Troy, no.

Hmm. I'm stumped.

Icarus did not realize it,

but he was flying over Rome,

the fabled city

founded by Romulus and Remus,

and the birthplace of the most

highly developed civilization

of the ancient world.

You're just gonna

have to trust me on this one.

[Remus] Romulus,

what am I gonna do with you?

What?

What do you mean "what?"

Look at this!

"up-and-coming city needs god

or gods for divine guidance.

500 years minimum experience preferred.

Self-starters a must."

Looks all right to me, Remus.

Hey! There's no zip code!

They all came back!

You know what that means, you shtewnod?

No gods, zilcho, bupkis!

OK, I'm flying over... Si-beria.

Well, that's a start.

Hmm. Starting to rain.

Hey, there's the sun!

The sun!

Oh, man! Not again!

Aaaaahhh!

Not one single god is coming

to Rome, you bazoom!

So sue me!

I can't make a god

just drop out of the sky!

Aaaaaahhhhh!

-Holy...

-Duh...

[grunting]

Oof!

Sorry to just drop in like this.

Are you here for...

No, no, I can explain everything.

Funny story, true story--

You see, I got this thing from--

Hey, one of my fliers got through!

♪ We got a god, we got a god ♪

-Beg pardon?

-Oh, Great God,

you have answered our call

and come to rule us.

From this day hence,

your every need will be fulfilled,

every wish granted,

as we build our city in your image.

Capisce?

So, let me get this straight.

I'm your god.

-That's right.

-And I get anything I want.

You better believe it.

OK!

That clears it up for me!

[Zeus] There's really nothing

I can do, son.

Father, he hasn't been seen all weekend.

I think he might be in trouble.

Well...

I suppose I could get you

some help from Nemesis.

The demigoddess of vengeance?

Yes, Nemesis.

[loud hissing]

Um, are you making that noise?

Don't you worry about her.

She's a great tracker.

A little intense,

but a nice kid once you get to know her.

Ha! I'm sure she'll be happy

to help you any way she can.

Hercules, I'll be happy

to help you in any way I can.

Really?

What do you think?

Huh?

All right. Let's get this

chump-change job over

before I smite you.

Hey, this is fun!

Hey, sweetie, give me another

bite of that tomato pie,

would ya?

[chomping]

Ah, that is so good.

There is no place like Rome.

Oh, Great God Icarus, are you happy?

We've carried out your designs for Rome.

Yeah. Couldn't be happier!

Love the waterslide. Love the ballpark.

You are so great a god,

that we are gonna throw you

a big, swingin' festival

In honor of your greatness!

A festival?

Man! This god is gonna

get funky with his godly self

and make some noise, huh?

Yes, he was here.

He checked out several scrolls,

though, not our newest arrival--

"1,000 Insults For All Occasions."

It's available for circulation.

[gasps] Someone has drawn

a mustache on this volume.

I will mete out a deadly

vengeance on whoever did this,

after I find this Icarus

and smite him for his crimes.

Um, I don't know what my father told you,

but this job is really more about tracking

and less about smiting, per se.

Well, how much smiting will there be?

Uh, roughly... none.

What? No smiting? No smiting?

Oh, you are, you are so stupid,

you think a Minotaur is short vacation.

Aaah!

I drop everything to do

your old man a favor,

and there's no vengeance to wreak,

no retribution to be wrought?

Uh, well, uh,

m-- maybe you can get in some

wreaking and wroughting

on your own time.

Oh, you will be sorry for this!

By the very gods of Olympus, I shall--

Shhhh! Hush!

Can I smite him?

Great God Icarus,

as the day of your festival dawns,

we proclaim that from now on,

all Romans will dress

themselves just like you.

[all] Great God Icarus! Great God Icarus!

Wow!

This is all mine!

Mine, as far as the eye can see.

And I can see...

No!

Ah-ha. I found another one of these

melted-wax feathers.

I should smite this Icarus for littering.

Like I said earlier,

no beating up on Icarus.

Poor guy must have flown

too close to the sun again.

Well, I shall smite... Apollo!

Look-- Can't you get it through

your armored head?

No smiting!

-None?

-None!

[sighs]

Not just a little love smite?

Aaaagh!

No! None!

No smiting!

I-- If you see a crime,

like someone defaces a temple,

or aggrieves the gods,

or, or pretends to be a god,

then pound away!

Go ahead, but that's it. Nowhere else!

This is a no-smiting zone!

Well, you don't have to yell.

[Icarus] Hercules!

[gasps] Oh, my gosh! It's Icarus!

[Icarus] Herc! Hercaburger!

Up here, buddy!

They've got him imprisoned!

Hang on, buddy. I'm coming!

Great. Can I go home now?

Hang on, Icarus, I'll rescue you!

Herc, if you rescue me from this,

I will never forgive you.

[panting]

What is going on here?

Well, they made me a god, Herc.

Rome is my town.

I came, I saw...

I par-tayed!

It's, it's unbelievable.

Believe it, baby! Check it out!

These guys just fan me all day long!

They do whatever I say. Look!

Your god commands you

to act like chickens.

[imitating chickens]

There! You see? And everyone's a chicken.

My every stupid wish

is their stupid command.

Aren't enough hours in the day.

Hey, fat guy, dance like a monkey!

Oh, man, Icarus,

I was so worried about you.

I thought you were lost

or in some kind of-- [gasps]

[gasps] Trouble!

We have to get you out of here right now!

What?

Have you lost your astragaly?

I'm just getting warmed up!

Icarus, someone came with me to find you.

She's here in loam.

Rome.

Whatever! She's the demigoddess

of vengeance-- Nemesis!

-[hissing]

-Aaahh!

Right, but is she a nice

demigoddess of vengeance?

She can transform her arms

into deadly weapons,

and her specialty is smiting false gods!

D'oh, man!

We gotta get out of here

before she sees any of this!

-Ahh!

-Before I see any of what?

Hi!

Demigoddess of vengeance, I presume?

Oh, yes! Ha ha ha ha!

Before I see what?

Before... you... see

what a fright my hair is today!

Hello!

You must be Nemesis. I must be Icarus.

And we must be going.

Your festival is about to start,

O Great God Icarus.

And a great job you're doing, too, Remus!

Forget about it!

See, here in Rome,

we believe in the power

of positive feeling,

so whenever we see one another,

we say, "great job," see?

Great job, Hercules.

And you're doing a great job, too, Icarus.

Did that man say god?

Oh ho ho! No!

That can't be because, uh,

the Romans don't have a god.

They worship, uh...

Corn.

Corn! They worship corn.

And who doesn't, in their own little way,

worship corn?

-[chuckles nervously]

-Then what is he doing?

Hey, look, pal, I told you

you lost your lucky coin out in the hall!

[all] All hail Great God--

They're helping him look.

My smiting sense is tingling.

Something smells

like false god around here.

Oh, I'll tell you what smells.

I'll tell ya what smells!

You and your so-called suspicions!

To think that you would suspect

me of being a false god!

Well, we don't have to put up

with this witch hunt.

We're leaving, and the next time

you wanna frame me,

I suggest you call my lawyer,

and I will see you in court!

[all] All hail Great God Icarus!

No, I think I'll be seeing

both of you right now!

Ah ah! OK, now, Nemesis,

let's, let's not be hasty.

-Uh...

-Oh, don't worry.

This is going to be long and slow.

Ha, may I say just one word?

What is it?

-Jump!

-Jump!

-Aaaaaah!

-Aaaaah!

Aaaiiyi-yi-yi!

-Whoa!

-Whoa!

Oh! That was awesome!

Let's go again!

I don't think so!

Ah, yes, the thrill of the hunt.

I should do errands for Zeus more often.

[both panting]

I think we lost her.

Think again.

Alas, poor me!

I knew me well.

Uh, we have bigger problems!

I've got you now!

Curses!

Whoa! That was scary!

You're telling me.

Ah! Yes! Fooled ya, Nemesis!

Our wits are 100 times more powerful

than your stupid smiting senses.

Uh, she also has superhuman hearing.

Oh, well, now you tell me!

Oh, no, we're trapped!

Ah! We gotta find a way out of here!

Oh ho ho ho! I'll take care of that.

[both gasp]

Hasta la vista, false god.

Wait a minute. Have a heart.

Sure, Icarus is a false god,

but, but what harm has he done?

He gave these people

a vision of a new city.

OK, it was a weird vision,

but i-- it's a vision.

When you get to the underworld,

tell Hades he owes me money.

Not so fast!

[Icarus] Well, all right.

My people have come to rescue me!

You lied to us, you lousy phony!

We want revenge!

Well, I called that one wrong.

Take a numeral, boys. He's mine!

Ungh!

Hey! She's out cold!

That's not necessarily a good thing.

I am Ra, Sun God of Egypt!

We have come in answer to your call.

Hey, what do ya know?

One of your fliers did get through.

All hail our new gods!

Well, everybody's happy now, no harm done.

I guess that takes little

false god off the hoo--

Aaahh!

Before we rule as your true gods,

we must destroy all traces

of the false god.

Uh, you can't--

[screeches]

Aaaahhh!

And that means all traces.

So, now as we extend our dominion

to include the city of Rome,

let us-- [coughs]

Wait a minute, huh?

Boy, that really bugs me after a while.

It's OK for a big entrance and all,

you know what I mean?

But then it's a real pain.

[clears throat] Now, then,

let's get down to business.

Ooh ooh ooh! First the destruction

of this false god over here!

-[indistinct shouting]

-Whoa! You guys are bloodthirsty!

Tell you what. I'll take care

of the imposter and his buddy

right after we get started

on a little construction around here.

Construction?

[clears throat] I'm thinking, uh,

we put these people to work,

dig up the town square,

knock this bandbox down,

then put some pyramids up, uh,

right about here.

Destroy the colosseum?

I think I may have a plan.

Well, if it's better than

crying like a baby

and pleading for mercy,

then, hey, I'm all for it!

[Ra] So, uh, let's get this going, OK?

You guys handle the pyramid thing,

and I'll destroy the bogus god here.

Are you gonna let them do this--

Tear down the city

you worked so hard to create?

Uh-huh. Heh. Just for that, wise guy,

I'll do you first.

Oh, well, this plan

is slightly better than mine.

You leave him alone!

He's right! You can't do this to us!

Oh, boy, listen, people, people, people,

you wanted gods, you got 'em.

This is how it works.

We say it, you do it.

If we sort of talk it over,

then we're really not

doing our job, are we?

Rome can be a great city!

Don't let them take it!

Yeah! We like Rome the way it is!

OK, I've had enough.

We're gonna need to level this whole place

and start from scratch...

Right after I waste the false god here.

You mean when I waste him!

Shove off, featherhead! This is my collar.

And just who in Aunt Pearl's

Pantheon are you, little mortal?

For your information, I am a demigoddess.

Uh-huh, and you're starting to be

a demi-pain-in-the-ankh, sister.

So, go shine your helmet somewhere

before I lose my temper and smite ya.

What did you say?

Get ready to run.

I was born ready.

I said, I'm gonna smite ya!

I have been waiting all week

for a good smite.

Mister, you just opened

a big can of trouble!

Aaaiiiyy-yi-yi-yi-yi!

OK, Rome, you want raffle?

You've got it.

Gods, attack!

[screaming]

Aaahhh!

Let's see how you do without

your little toy, sunny boy.

[gasping, coughing]

[screeches]

Jeez! Where's the giant dog-headed god

when you really need him?

[Hercules] [grunts] Hang on, Icarus!

[snorting]

Now!

[Ra] Well, sweetie,

I'm about to show you

how we do it down in the delta!

Say your prayers.

[screeching]

[groans]

Whew! Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Rome is ours again,

thanks to Hercules and Nemesis!

You can be our new new gods.

Oh, no, please, I-- I can't be your god.

Actually, I'm already

on the god track back home.

And I'm just a demigoddess of vengeance

who's still got a little job to do.

Oh, come on!

We saved your life just now!

So? You still must pay

because you aggrieved the gods

with your transgressions!

Oh, Nemesis, lighten up for once, will ya?

-Father!

-Oh... ahh!

Out of my way.

Dad, what are you doing here?

We got this ad about a city needing gods.

Would have got it last week,

but it was addressed to "Mt. Olympert."

Uh, excuse me,

you great big hairy-faced one,

you don't want to level our city, do ya?

Why would I want to do

a fool thing like that?

[together] All hail our new gods.

Well, then, I guess we should

introduce ourselves.

I'm Zeus, father of the gods.

This is Hermes, Messenger God.

Uh, Dad, uh, I hate to interrupt,

but the Romans

are a very patriotic people,

and they're wondering if you wouldn't mind

using special Roman names for yourselves?

Well, "When in Rome..." and all that.

Ha!

What kind of names you got for us?

You've named everything else we like.

Why not our gods?

Oh, I would be honored.

Hmm. Let me see.

I think "Jupiter"

is a good name for you, sir.

Jupiter? What kind of a-- I like it!

You-- "Mercury." I like "Mars" for you.

"Vulcan's" a good one.

"Venus"-- that's kind of catchy.

"Larry" for you--

Larry...

No, no, no, no. Not Larry...

And so, though Icarus

didn't finish his model city,

his teacher was impressed

with the real city he did create,

along with a set of Roman names

for the Pantheon of gods

that pleased everyone.

What?

Well... almost everyone.

They want to name me "Pluto"?

What kind of name is that?

"Pluto"-- That's a name

for a god? What is that?

I wouldn't name my dog "Pluto."

[theme music playing]