Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Is he bold? ♪

-♪ No one braver ♪

-♪ Is he sweet? ♪

-♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

-♪ And the nicest guy ♪

-♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero ♪

♪ Give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[Hercules] To me that cloud up there

looks like a hydra

being slain by a brave hero.

Hmm. Interesting.

Ooh. That one over there looks like

a field of wildflowers

in which me and my sweet

Cassie of the valley

are having a romantic picnic together.

Ugh. And I'm supposed to be the one

who sees grim visions.

[Helen] Hercules?

Helen, what's the matter?

It's Adonis. I'm worried about him.

Welcome to the human race.

Did he pull down your chiton

in gym class, too?

Oh, no, silly.

-He's been out of school for a week.

-Is he sick?

[Helen] No, no, his servants endure

all his diseases.

I'm afraid something is really wrong.

Uh, you folks know where I can find

a, uh, heracles?

Uh, Hercules?

-Oh, yeah. My mistake.

-I'm Hercules.

All right. Beautiful. Sign here.

[gasps]

That's one of Adonis' servants.

[British accent]

"To my bosom buddy Hercules.

Just a note to remind you

how much I value your friendship."

Oh, isn't that sweet?

What does he want this time?

"You're probably wondering

what I want this time.

It's like this,

Help! You must rush to my aid."

Don't listen.

"Oh, but brave Hercules, you must listen.

I've been captured by the Spartan Officer

Training Corp."

The Spar-OTC?

They're the elite of the Spartan

military machine.

"The brutes are torturing me.

You're my only hope."

Adonis a prisoner in Sparta?

I've got to rescue him.

Oh, Hercules, thanks.

You're my hero.

Well, Herc will need

a sidekick on this one,

so looks like I'm off to Sparta, too.

Sparta. Sworn enemy of Athens.

Hotbed of brutality.

City of big shoulders. Come on.

[hoarse whistle]

Bon voyage. Don't drink the water.

"I knew I could count on you."

Please don't put me back in the box.

[gasps] They put Adonis in a box?

No, that was from me.

It's dark in there. I don't like it.

Be on guard, Icarus.

Sparta is the most brutal,

war-mongering city-state there is.

"Welcome to Sparta.

Now go home."

Ho. You are not kidding.

[Hercules] Now we just have to get in

and find Adonis.

Well, lucky for us, I brought my wings.

I'll just fly over the wall,

open the gate from inside.

No, wait.

We can't risk being discovered.

This calls for a sneakier approach.

That might be our chance.

Halt. Who goes there?

Laundry delivery.

It's your uniforms.

We got out almost all of the blood.

Open the gate.

That's your uniform, my friend.

Wear it with pride.

Icarus, we're here to find Adonis.

That's no excuse for looking sloppy,

soldier!

Whoa.

Nifty. Step lively, Herc. Aah!

Would you come on?

[cook] Potatoes? I could cook

anything with them.

Potato pancakes, potato soup,

potato dumplings,

cheese and potatoes, raw potatoes,

gaul-fried...

Psst. Adonis.

Don't hurt me. Hercules.

Hercules' ferrety little friend.

Thank the gods you've arrived.

I feared the end was near.

Uh, I thought you were being tortured.

I am. Look at me.

Stripped of my royal robes,

forced to wear a common uniform

and march from one end

of this place to another

for no apparent reason.

Only a small cash payment to him

saved my unblemished hands

from the scars of manual labor.

Baked potatoes, mashed potatoes,

-sweet potato pie...

-Get me out of here.

Well, what about your father?

I mean, he is the King of Thrace.

[sighs] Dadums sent me here.

It was something of a surprise.

What?

That's the way it is, son.

In order to become King of Thrace,

you must pass Spartan basic training.

Well, surely one of my servants can go

in my place.

Oh, good thinking.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no.

I did it and so did my dadums.

It's something of a family tradition.

But traditions are meant to be broken.

Am I right? Am I right?

Not this time.

Aah! No-o-o-o. Dadums! No!

I took the news bravely at the time,

but this place is simply intolerable.

[sighs] Come on, Icarus. We're leaving.

You can't leave me here alone.

The drill sergeant, Agamemnon,

he's out to get me.

Ten-hut. Well, well.

Sergeant, how nice to see you.

-You look swell.

-Silence!

I ordered you to peel potatoes, maggot.

You will do as I order.

Is that clear?

-What is your major malfunction?

-Admiring your medals, sir!

I long to have my own, sir!

Do I know you, soldier?

Just another faceless recruit

giving 110% for the glory of Sparta, sir.

Take a lesson from this fine recruit,

you pathetic slug.

Him?

I mean, of course, [coughs] sir.

I've got my eye on you, pretty boy.

See? See?

All right, Adonis, I'll help you,

but not to leave.

If you work hard,

I'll help you pass basic training.

In what way can that be construed as help?

Give a man a fish,

and he can eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and he can eat

for a lifetime.

[Agamemnon] Listen up, mealyworms.

Give a hale and hearty welcome

to the founder and patron of Sparta,

otherwise known as the God of War.

Let's clap, and clap hard,

for Ares!

[cheering]

You're too kind. Too kind.

Please, please. You're embarrassing me.

[cheering stops]

-Rrr.

-[cheering resumes]

No, really.

That's enough. Enough.

[clears throat] You know,

we've got a saying here at the academy,

the maggots and mealyworms of today

are the brutal despots of tomorrow.

Let me tell you a little story.

Long, long ago I looked upon this land

and saw a savage wilderness,

but I saw something else, too.

I saw the glimmer of a dream,

a dream of senseless battle,

mindless obedience,

and wanton destruction.

I saw Sparta.

[soldiers] ♪ One heck of a guy ♪

♪ Benevolent, brave, and bold ♪

♪ Long ago when Sparta was untamed ♪

♪ Awesome Ares pursued a dream ♪

♪ He moved a mountain range ♪

♪ Plowed down the purple plains ♪

♪ And straightened out

A wild and wandering stream ♪

♪ When bad Boreas blew onto the scene ♪

♪ Our leader knew what must be done ♪

♪ He spun the winning spin ♪

♪ And broke the brutal wind ♪

♪ And kicked Boreas squarely in the bum ♪

Every year they sing that song.

I hate it.

♪ La la la ♪

I'm not listening.

[band plays]

Oh! I'm howling mad

and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Oh, you got to love that song.

Every time I hear it

it makes me feel like running out

and making war on somebody.

Hey, that's just what I'm going to do.

Good luck with the rest

of your training, men.

Remember, make war, not love.

You weren't singing, monkey boy.

Thanks to you, this entire platoon

will do 10 laps around the Coliseum.

Only 10, sir?

20 seems like a more fitting

punishment, sir.

You heard him, weasels.

20 laps.

Get moving.

-Move it!

-Icarus, what's gotten into you?

The soldiers' life, baby.

I have found my calling.

Yes! Stand up straight.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left...

[distant marching commands]

Aah!

Unh.

[strains]

[all straining]

[all moan]

Listen up, gerbils.

You survived another day of training,

but tomorrow is the final phase,

the ultimate test.

In keeping with the Spartan way,

you only graduate if all of you pass.

If even one fails,

you all fail,

and I got a feeling

one of you isn't going to make it.

Isn't that right, princy?

Nighty-night.

Did you hear that?

He'll never let me pass.

Kiss my kingdom good-bye.

[Icarus] Oh, you'll pass.

You'll pass or this whole platoon

is going to kick your royal--

OK. Listen, buck up, Adonis.

Hero rule #27 says to be a winner,

you have to think like a winner.

Oh, stop blowing sunshine up my chiton.

I don't stand a chance against Agamemnon.

The man is unprincipled.

-He won't even accept a bribe.

-What are you doing?

What does it look like?

Getting out of here

while I still have the chance.

My mama didn't raise me to be no flunkard.

You're not leaving, maggot.

We'll stay up all night watching

just to make sure.

I got my eye on you.

Oh. Ah, me.

[playing Reveille]

-[gunshot]

-Aah!

[all yawn]

[yawns]

-Rise and shine, Adonis.

-Aah!

I can't believe Adonis ran out on us.

I can.

Me, too.

Let's go find him.

He can't have gone too far.

Don't be so sure.

My wings are gone!

I'm flying! Flying!

Not that I ever doubted I could. Yikes!

Oh, oh, oh. Going up.

He could be anywhere by now.

Roger wilco on that, good buddy.

I'll have to notify the SMPS.

-The who?

-The Simps. Spartan military police.

Nice bunch of guys. Might even give Adonis

a blindfold for his execution.

Icarus, we're here to help Adonis,

remember?

-Well, I'm here to get a medal.

-[guard] Halt.

Going somewhere?

Ah.

I told you this wasn't the way

to the mess hall.

Huh?

No sense of direction.

You're stupid, right?

Ah, come on.

[struggling]

This flying requires actual effort.

What a time to be caught without servants.

Whew! Aah! Aah!

Ooh.

Can you believe they still sing

that same stupid song every year?

I mean, let it go already.

Yeah, well, I was just

passing through, Boreas,

and, uh, I've got like

a thousand errands to run,

so, uh, I, uh--

Sit. Always in a hurry.

So tell me,

who does that Ares think he is anyway?

Arrogant loudmouth.

Babe, look, if the song

bothers you that much,

don't just sit around whining,

do something about it.

That's not a bad idea.

Fabulous. Glad to help. Got to jet.

I'll show Ares.

He has such fond memories

of building his precious city-state.

He'll get to build another one

after I deliver the fatal blow.

Fatal blow?

Blow. Get it?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

I love wind humor.

Ah ha ha ha ha.

Aah!

[whimpers]

Aah!

The test is going to begin soon

and we can't even look for Adonis.

Well, let's report him to HQ.

For a couple of GIs working on the QT

we are batting a big fat zilch

looking for the A-W-O-L.

-What did you say?

-I don't know.

I just love talking like that,

though, huh?

Aah!

Ooh.

Hercules, Icarus, I'm alive.

Yeah, and you're just in time

for the test.

Oh, Hercules. Ha ha.

Silly, misguided,

simple-minded Hercules.

Ha ha ha. There isn't going

to be any test.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

You can't buy your way out of this one,

-Prince Pretty Boy.

-I don't have to.

Boreas, the north wind,

is planning to destroy Sparta,

thereby eliminating any need for me

to exert myself.

Ahh, good fortune.

Oh, my gosh. We got to warn them.

Hold on.

If Sparta falls, I'm off the hook.

Don't be a hero.

Sorry, I am a hero.

That's why I'm here helping you, remember?

Then again, maybe you're right.

I'm sure you could always find a job,

right, Icarus?

After his court-martial here,

I seriously doubt it.

Job?

If you're trying to joke,

-it's not the least bit funny.

-No joke.

If Sparta is gone,

you can't pass basic training,

and if you don't pass...

Then I can't be the King of Thrace.

[gasps] Don't just stand there.

Do something heroic.

Visiting dignitaries,

fellow Spartans, welcome

to the ultimate test.

[laughs]

Keep your eye on my boy Adonis.

He'll be leading the pack.

Don't count on it, Sinarus.

Adonis couldn't fight his way

out of a paper bag.

Why would my boy be in a paper bag?

What kind of an operation

are you running here, Agamemnon?

Uh, never mind.

And now, our recruits.

[blows whistle]

Sergeant Agamemnon,

Sparta's in grave danger.

Resume formation, recruit.

But Boreas is planning to attack Sparta

during the ultimate test, [gasps] sir.

Every year some lazy recruit

tries to back out of the ultimate test

by making up some lame excuse,

but this is the lamest ever.

Now get on that starting line!

-The truth didn't work. Now what?

-I'm thinking.

On your marks,

get set...

Whoa!

[audience cheers]

[moo]

Ha ha. This is quite an obstacle,

Agamemnon.

What a challenge for the recruits.

This wasn't my idea, you idiot.

Oh.

Well, kudos to whomever thought of it.

Job well done.

[all screaming]

[trumpets]

Hey, watch where you're going.

What's the matter?

A little wind and you forget how to drive?

-Take that back.

-You going to make me?

[Adonis] You and your

hero ways, Hercules.

Now what?

We land.

[all scream]

[all] Whoa!

Oh, my gosh.

[strains]

You cut that pretty close, pal.

Yeah, taking your sweet time, huh?

[grunts]

Spartans.

How long is he going to keep this up?

I need to pass that test.

Adonis, did you hear

what made Boreas decide to attack?

It's that infernal Spartan anthem.

He hates it. Who could blame him?

What? You're kidding.

I find it stirring.

I've got an idea.

Get behind me.

Icarus, do you remember

that Spartan anthem?

Every word of it.

Then sing it out.

Aye-aye, baby.

♪ We are the mighty fighting men

Of Sparta ♪

[Hercules] ♪ And we fly

Our flag with pride ♪

[sighs]

[all] ♪ We're members of a corp ♪

♪ That loves to go to war ♪

♪ And crush, crush, crush the other side ♪

♪ Let's have a hearty hip hooray ♪

♪ For Ares ♪

♪ The fearless founding father

Of our fold ♪

♪ We'll follow him do or die ♪

♪ 'Cause he's one heck of a guy ♪

♪ Benevolent, brave, and bold ♪

♪ Long ago when Sparta was untamed ♪

♪ Awesome Ares pursued a dream ♪

♪ He moved a mountain range ♪

♪ Plowed down the purple plains ♪

♪ And straightened out a wild

And wandering stream ♪

♪ When bad Boreas ♪

♪ Blew onto the scene ♪

♪ Our leader knew what must be done ♪

♪ He spun the winning spin ♪

♪ That broke the brutal wind ♪

♪ And kicked Boreas

Squarely in the bum ♪

Oh! Who's singing that song now?

I'll shut him up once and for all.

It's working.

Here he comes.

That's your plan?

Make certain we're in harm's way?

We're going to trap him.

Keep singing and follow me.

♪ We are the mighty fighting men

Of Sparta ♪

But I can't go in there.

It's cramped, and dark,

disgusting, and stinky.

Come on, you can do it.

There could be bugs.

Just imagine your throne

is at the other end.

I don't know.

And there's a commoner sitting on it.

Get off my throne!

♪ ...Of our fold ♪

♪ We'll follow him do or die ♪

Ha. You think you can hide from Boreas?

Think again.

[strains]

Eew. Yuck. Gross.

I need a bath.

Several baths, consecutively.

That means one after the other.

[Boreas] Oh, I'll get you.

Wait here.

No problem. Eew.

I'm not falling for any of your

stupid tricks.

[strains]

Hey, that's not fair.

[growls]

Now I'm really mad.

[audience cheers]

Now let me get this straight.

Some newby recruits beat the old windbag?

Ha ha ha.

Hey, Boreas, you big blowhard,

you lose. Again.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

[Boreas] Is that Ares? Let me at him.

Let me at him.

Permission to deport the prisoner, sir?

Permission granted.

[Hercules grunts]

Hey, good arm.

Well, looks like medals all around.

B-but, wise and belligerent Ares,

Boreas interrupted the ultimate test.

We've got to start over.

You kidding?

Nobody's beaten Boreas since me.

These three pass, with honors.

This is the happiest moment of my life.

Oh, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

-Do I know you?

-Well, my father--

'Cause I've got a great memory

for faces, and--

Hey! Your Zeus' kid, Sport.

[chuckles] Actually, sir,

the name is Hercules.

Wait a minute.

You're one of those eggheads from Athens,

aren't you, Sport?

Well, uh, ha, yeah, but, uh--

Athenians can't join

the Spartan Armed Forces.

And what about you?

Me? Uh, well, uh,

I'll move. Please, let me keep my medal.

-Give me that.

-No!

Sparta and Thrace are not enemies.

I, therefore, am rightfully

enrolled in the academy.

But he didn't lift a finger

to stop Boreas.

It would be fair to say that I served

in a supervisory role.

You mean to tell me

that these two commoners

did all your work for you?

Well, yes, technically.

Bravo! Ha ha.

You've got a gift, son.

Leadership. That's what it's all about.

Outstanding.

Oh, the kid shows promise

and is definitely officer material,

unlike some people I know.

Yeah, but, he-- he--

Ohh.

Way to go, Adonis.

You're the best.

Come on, Icarus.

-Let's go home.

-Oh, I knew it.

Little guy can't get ahead

in this man's army.

Tell me about it.

[theme music playing]