Original subtitles

♪ Who put the glad

in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor

Hercules ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[narrator]

Hercules and the falling stars.

[narrator] From time immemorial,

humankind has been awed

and inspired by the glittering stars.

The ancient Greeks gazed upon

a seeming chaos of the night sky

and saw majestic constellations:

Scorpio the mighty scorpion,

Aries the ram, Taurus the bull,

Leo the lion,

and, of course,

Orion the great hunter.

Earth and sky

were in cosmic balance...

until a certain hero-in-training

came along.

Kid, archery is not your strong suit.

Maybe we ought to skip

to your next lesson.

No, no. Wait.

One...last...shot.

OK, that does it!

Take as many shots as you want, kid.

I'm taking cover.

I can do this.

[painful whinny]

Sorry, Pegasus.

[snorts]

I hate the bow and arrow.

Give me a club any day.

[Scottish accent] Don't even say that!

Huh? Who-- Where is that--

You know what I'd give to swap this

bloody club for a bow and arrow?

Wow! Orion!

The greatest hunter ever!

I-I-I'm, like, a huge fan!

I've been, uh...

admiring your archery technique.

Oh, uh, yeah... I'm not very good.

You're terrible!

I could probably teach you

a trick or two, though.

Really? That'd be great.

[sighs] Wouldn't it.

But I can't.

I've got no arrows up here.

Greatest archer ever,

and what do I get?

A club, a shield, and a permanent view

of the Pleiades.

Not that they're bad-lookin' lassies,

but do you know how long eternity is?

You can't ever move or come down?

Not until the heavens are torn apart

and the stars fall from the sky,

or some such twaddle.

Hey, if I could get you down,

would you teach me archery?

Oh, sure thing, laddie, but how?

[whistles]

[whinnies]

Oh, this is great!

Orion's gonna teach me archery.

I may not be much of an archer,

but I'm strong.

One torn-apart sky comin' up!

Arrrgghh!

Oh, sweet baby Hermes! Freedom!

Oh, yeah... That feels good!

Oh. Ho ho ho ho!

Come on, laddie. Let's go hunting.

I know a valley on Crete where

you can shoot centaurs six at a time!

Wh-what about the archery lesson?

[sighs] All right, lad.

Ever hear of the... Orion Cluster?

Ha ha...You're gonna love this, Phil.

Watch.

Hang on a sec.

OK, I'm watching.

The Orion Cluster?

I haven't seen that since...

Kid, oh, you can't use that move.

Why not? I'm hitting the target, right?

Don't you know?

The Cluster's banned in 12 city-states.

The only guy who ever used it was...

Orion.

Where do you think I learned it?

Phil, meet my archery tutor, Orion.

Orion, Phil.

Orion? Ah, Phillip!

It's a great pleasure!

Oh, good thing I came along.

You were only teaching the wee sprout

to be a threat to humanity

with this thing.

No-look... Good!

Backhand... Perfect!

Look, kid... I don't want you

learning from this palooka.

What? Why not?

Orion Cluster.

[Phil] He's from a different time, kid--

a brutal time. Like that Orion Cluster--

It's effective, but it's barbaric.

So he's a little rough around the edges.

He's the greatest hunter ever.

Herc, lad, it's been an Iron Age

since I've been to Athens.

Show me around a little.

Let's revel!

Cool, but I-- I, um,

gotta go to school first.

School? What in chaos is that?

Oh, uh, that's where we

learn stuff, study.

You know, molding young minds

and all that.

And why, exactly,

would you want a moldy mind?

[groans]

...billions upon billions of stars,

and here, at the very center

of the universe, the Earth.

But why? Why are we here?

I'm here to get my chart read!

Hey, Mr. Ptolemy! Are my eternal

schnookums and I compatible?

This is astronomy, Icarus,

not astrology.

Modern astronomy, Icarus,

examines the harmony of the universe,

what we Greeks call "Cosmos"--

a place for all things,

and all things--

[boom]

[gulp]...in their place.

All right, then...

Starry eyes...

Teach me something

I don't already know.

Wow. You know, Herc meets

the most interesting people.

Bah! No wonder your mind's moldy.

That chart's at least

a millennium out of date.

Orion!

Ahem... Hercules, may I see you

after class?

This is extremely dangerous, Hercules.

The balance of the Cosmos

is a very fragile thing.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Ptolemy.

-Orion's a nice guy. He'll be fine.

-[moo]

Come on, laddie! Let's do lunch!

Eh, heh heh. Why don't we go

to the cafeterium?

Oh, my lucky stars.

It's Mutton Tettrazinni day!

Hey, guys. This is my friend Orion.

You know, the, uh, constellation.

Ooh! The-- the conste--?

Well, no wonder you're so darn big!

You know, you are my favorite

heavenly body.

Uh, present company excepted.

[growls, kisses]

Hey, wider orbit, buddy.

-Hooky-kooky, what's for lunch?

-Try the fruit from the cornucopia.

It replenishes itself.

Not bad.

I'm having a vision.

I see the sky... falling, falling.

Oh, love it when you do

the "chicken little" thing,

my little chicken--guhh!

Wait! You can't go up there!

...and so I said, "let them eat baklava!"

Ha ha! You should've seen that

grotesque peasant's face.

You're hysterical, funny, Adonis!

Well, what do we have here?

This balcony's only for important people.

Oh, and Adonis.

Hmm. A very large and rather smelly person

on our balcony.

May I see your royal credentials, please?

Royal credentials?

Well, let's see now.

I've got a red carpet here.

Whoaaaaaaaa!

I will not tolerate this!

I am a prince and will be treated

with dignity!

Ohh! Uhh!

I dream of embarrassing Adonis like that!

You just...do it.

No fear. No apologies. No regrets.

That is the creed of the hunter.

No fear. No apologies. No regrets.

Oh... he is dreamy.

So manly.

And so hairy.

In a good way. In a good way.

Ugh, let's get out of here.

I can feel my mind molding.

Oh, yeah... Ah, ha ha ha!

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, later, I'll show you the Agoura.

This is Athens? It's all built up.

In my day, it was strictly

a one horse-and-chariot town.

[ding]

Look out!

[siren]

Look, you can't just cross

the street like that.

We've got traffic laws.

[siren]

Hey, you seem to turn up everywhere

that mayhem and disorder abound.

-You know this creep?

-You can't give him a ticket.

He's Orion, the world's greatest hunter,

like, ever.

Sorry. No one's above the law,

not even a constellation.

Sign here.

"I hereby promise to appear at

the Temple of Moving Vehicles..."

Ah, I don't have time for this.

-Hey!

-Hooky-kooky, I'm starving.

That fruit went right through me.

Orion, you can't-- Uh, sorry.

Wait!

Constellation on the loose

at Third and Pan-Hellenic Highway!

Requesting immediate back-up!

Hi. I'll have the double Colossus

with extra Tahini.

Orion, look, I don't know what it was like

when you were last on Earth--

Ah! Meat on a spit! Now we're talkin'!

Hey! That's my shwarma spit!

Orion! You can't just take that!

Why not?

No fear, no apologies, no regrets.

Aah! The sky is falling!

No!

The Cosmos! Ruined!

And it's all your fault!

I am so sorry.

Hey! No apologies, remember?

We'll just hunt those

little beasties down.

Hunt? Them?!

No fear. Come on! Ha ha ha ha!

Fear's not the problem.

It's the no regrets part

that I'm a little worried about.

[narrator] but while our hunters hunted,

the Goddess of the Wilds

made a big discovery.

[sighs] Well, what do ya think, gang?

I know. Ain't exactly hospitable, is it?

But it's got potential.

A nice high canopy there,

maybe a floor of pine needles here.

And plenty of hollow tree trunks for you!

Yep, it'll be cozy enough by the time

ol' Artemis is done with it.

Well, might as well get manifestin'.

Well, I'll be. That is one big dipper.

Make that the Big Dipper.

Only one person coulda done this.

My good ol' buddy Orion, my darlin's.

The swamp redecorating's

gonna have to wait!

Leo went this way,

and Scorpio went towards Sparta.

Wow! You're good!

They don't call me the great hunter

for nothing, laddie!

I've been wanting to track these babies

for a long time.

Come on! I'll show you

how to bag a giant scorpion!

Awesome!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut--

Yeow! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

[screaming]

Oh, my gosh! OK! Now, let's see.

Uh, hero rule number eight--

Um, assess the environs

before initiating action.

There's only one rule in my book, laddie--

Take the problem by the tail.

Hah! One down, three to go.

Uh, I know that property damage happens,

you know, when you're a hero,

but we just destroyed

their whole city-state.

Ah, they can rebuild.

Trust me. They're grateful.

[narrator] And so it was that

Orion and Hercules ravaged--

Uh, rescued the other city-states,

beginning with Corinth.

[screaming]

Why don't you take this one, chicky-chops?

Remember--take the problem by the tail.

[screaming]

Or in this case, take the bull...

by the horns!

Heh. Hyah! Hah! Yee-hoo!

[grunting]

They'll...rebuild?

Ah! Now you're gettin' it, laddie.

[narrator] Hercules' bloody reign

of rescue continued in Thessaly...

and finally...

the Techno-Greeks of Abacus Valley...

-[baa baa]

-...found themselves with a rare problem.

Too much ram.

Ahhh! Brilliant.

World saved and still time to catch

happy hour at that Gyro World Place.

[horse nickers]

[police siren blares]

Maybe we ought to try Speedy Pita.

Here, laddie. I got something for ya.

That wee dress you're wearing

doesn't suit hunters like us.

Whoa! A lion skin? Cool! Thanks.

Here's to the life of the hunter--

No fear, no apologies...

[both] And no regrets!

[crowd, chanting]

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Anybody in here seen these two?

[all gasping and murmuring]

Uh, hi, Phil. What's, uh, up?

Is this what you're learnin'

from this big lummox?!

Hey, we vanquished the monsters.

You trashed four city-states

in three hours.

You think that's heroic?

Well, yeah--I mean, we got the job done.

That's all that matters, right, Orion,

huh? I mean, come on, back me up here.

[Orion] Ya got that right, laddie.

Those wee beasties won't be

darkening our doors again.

[Hercules] OK, so we caused

some minor structural damage.

[roaring]

-Whaa?!

-Ooh! [gasps]

-Aaah!

-Aaah!

[Hercules] The important thing is,

Athens is safe.

[growling and snarling]

Ahh! You got it, laddie.

No fear, no apologies, no regrets.

That's the way a real man gets respect.

There you are!

You owe me 750 drachma

for a shwarma spit, you ruffian!

Plus damages.

All right. Either you deal

with this jaywalking rap,

or I charge you with felony

disturbing the Cosmos.

[all] You leveled our Sparta!

-And our Corinth!

-And our Thessaly!

Thessaly was nearly leveled already.

We were hunting monsters.

Your city-states just sort of

got in the way.

[booing]

So this is respect. Who knew?

But you can all rebuild!

[gasps] Does your chart show anything

about invading monsters?

No! There are no monsters.

Haven't you heard what Herc's been saying?

Th-the monsters are vanquished,

a-a-and Athens is safe!

[crashing]

And sound?

[screaming]

[Hercules] Oh, no! What do we do?

This is a job for the Orion Cluster.

Orion!

Lay down your weapon!

Artemis. Of all the seedy falafel joints

in all the ancient world,

you have to manifest in this one.

Spare me, darlin'.

Well, well, if it isn't Hercules.

Oh, uh, hi--heh-- o mighty Artemis.

Tsk tsk tsk.

Leave it to a demigod

to tear the sky apart.

You have unleashed an extremely dangerous

mess o' stars, young man.

Oh. Heh. Orion will take care of 'em.

Honey, I'm not worried

about those critters.

You unleashed 'em,

I reckon you can put 'em back.

It's my huntaholic ex-boyfriend here

who's the problem.

[Hercules] Huh?!

You two... know each other?

Oh, we were an item way back.

We were young.

Biggest mistake I ever made.

[screaming]

[snarling]

He nearly killed off

every critter on Earth

with that Orion Cluster of his.

Zeus wanted to smite him,

but I saved his hide.

Got him a nice cushy gig in the heavens.

But the deal was you had to stay there!

I was bored!

Being a constellation's an honor,

you stubborn ol' coot!

Honor?! Rats! You always thought

you knew what was best for me! Well--

I hate to interrupt the little

romp down memory lane,

but does anybody plan on saving

our city-state here?!

[bellowing]

[screaming]

That's what demigods are for.

Hercules, you better shake your tail,

darlin'.

Oh, right!

Use the Cluster, laddie.

Tonight's new moon brings conflicts.

Aries gives you a needed boost.

Huh?

That was needed?

Oh! Unh! Ah!

Grab the problem by the tail.

Aah! Ooh!

Financial affairs take a turn

for the worse.

[growling and snarling]

-Retreat, kid!

-Tuesday brings romance!

Use the cluster!

Just be yourself!

Be myself.

Whoa!

No!

Don't worry!

I'm using the barbaric Orion Cluster,

but in a modern, Hercules kinda way!

-Atta way, kid! Atta way!

-Now, that's the Hercules I know.

And to think he should have

stayed in bed today.

[nervous bleat]

OK, lover boy, you're goin'

right back where you belong.

Right ascension 55 hours, five minutes.

Declination 8 degrees north.

-Hey! What about our city-states?!

-Ah, what about 'em? Rebuild.

Aaah! Do the words personal responsibility

mean anything at all to you?

You're gonna rebuild, or I'll put you

back in the sky so far south,

your famous belt will freeze

to your dang bellybutton!

OK, OK!

[Hercules] I did my share of the damage.

I'll help you out.

[groaning]

I foresee a touching moment coming.

Tell me when it's over.

I'm sorry Artemis won't let you stay.

Ah, I'm ready to go back.

Earth isn't as much fun as it used to be.

Everyone's just too nice

to each other nowadays.

-Here's your lion skin back.

-Keep it, laddie. It's you.

Aw, thanks!

You'll make a great hero, lad.

Who knows? Maybe someday

you'll get to be a constellation.

Hello, ladies.

[giggling]

Well, actually, Herc,

there is available space

between Ophiuchus and the Corona Borealis.

Well! I mean, woof!

This says you will go on a long,

long trip far, far away.

Yes, sir! To the stars, baby!

Me and you! I fly, you ride!

Come on! What do ya say?

[theme music playing]