Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ah, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

Aphrodite, the goddess of love.

Her beauty and grace were renowned

throughout the ancient world.

And each year, the Aphrodesia Dance

was held to honor her...

To honor love...

To, uh... You know.

Honey, you OK?

You don't know much about love,

do you, darling?

[Bob chuckles awkwardly] Well...

You just sit back and soak it up, baby.

♪ They're hanging the last decorations ♪

♪ The punch bowl is filled to the brim ♪

♪ The teachers are manning

their stations ♪

♪ The band is about to begin ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Everybody's gonna party tonight ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Are you ready

for the time of your life? ♪

♪ Tonight is the night ♪

♪ Cupid's in flight ♪

♪ Aimin' his arrows of love ♪

♪ It's everyone's chance

to find new romance ♪

♪ Under the heavens above ♪

♪ Makin' your move

while the music is groovin' ♪

Excuse me. I don't mean to pry.

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Everybody's gonna party tonight ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Are you ready

for the time of your life? ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ It's a party starring

the goddess of love ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Gonna boogie ♪

♪ At the Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

No, I don't have a date yet.

Is that a problem?

Herc, this dance

will forever seal your place

in the social order of the cosmos!

That's a little drastic, don't you think?

For the fool who wants to fit in.

It'll make or break you.

Then again, I went stag last year,

and it didn't seem to hurt my rep.

[both] Better get a date.

[grunting, squealing]

[sighs]

Whoa!

Sorry, sonny.

That's the night I pluck

the hair out of my mole.

[sighing]

What's wrong with me?

Oh, Herc, some people have

animal magnetism, i.e. me,

and some don't.

Ipso facto you, buddy.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe girls just don't find me attractive.

Stations, people.

We have art to create.

Oh, snookie bottom,

forgot your lunchie-wunchie.

Come here.

Who's that?

What? Oh, that's Mrs. Pygmalion.

Mrs. Pygmalion?

How did old man Pygmalion

land a vision like that?

Well, the word on the street is

that he made her out of clay.

Get out!

True story.

He sculpted himself a perfect woman,

invoked Aphrodite, and bamo, baby!

Love connection!

[chuckles]

She...must...be...perfect.

Clay, the basic elements

of earth and water

taking form under my masterful hands.

Plus, it's squishy!

Finished!

Oh.

Oh, hey.

Interesting creative choice there.

You were going for a Gorgon?

Uh, well, Aphrodite will get the idea.

Aphrodite, goddess of love and passion,

hear my plea!

-[answer machine beeps]

[woman]

You have reached the Aphrodite helpline.

Your beseechment is important to us.

Please hold.

Thank you for holding.

We realize you have your choice of deities

and appreciate your patronage.

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

Greetings, mortal.

I am Aphrodite,

goddess of-- Oh, hey, wait.

You're, like, Zeus' son, right?

Uh [chuckles] yeah.

Oh, what a relief.

All day I have been swamped

by goons who can't get dates for my dance.

So what can I do for you?

Uh... [chuckles] Could you

bring her to life, please?

I, uh, need a date for the dance.

-Wait, you couldn't get a date?

-I tried!

Fighting monsters is easy.

Getting a date is [sighs] hard.

So you want the easy way out?

[sighs] OK.

Ew.

All right, I'm thinking makeover.

Good.

Yeah, good, but?

Hmm, but I--I really like tall girls.

[exasperated sigh]

How's that?

A little taller?

OK, good.

Um, curvy?

A little more curvy?

OK, that's curvy enough

for you, young man.

That's it. She's perfect.

Oh, thank you, Aphrodite.

[laughs] OK.

Um, aren't you forgetting something?

Uh, dance, me, beautiful date.

[gasps] The corsage!

Hello! Her personality.

Oh, I hadn't thought about that.

Uh, just make her, uh, crazy about me.

Oh, OK. So beautiful and crazy about you.

Good. Digging deep, huh?

OK, here's your dream date.

Mm-hmm.

[babbling]

Ooh! My babies! Oh!

Hercules, meet Galatea.

She's everything you've asked for.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

[giggles]

Oh, yeah. She's a keeper.

So, what is it

that you dragged me here to see?

[in singsong] Close your eyes!

[in singsong] No.

OK, enough suspense.

Look! I made 'em in art class!

Oh, aren't they precious?

Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo!

More weirdness.

What are they?

Oh, Cassandra, they're our babies!

Never mention you, me, and offspring

in the same sentence.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait.

There's more, and you do not

want to miss it.

Curse my morbid sense of curiosity.

Naturally, Helen and I will be elected

king and queen of the Aphrodesia Dance.

Who else even stands the slightest chance?

I mean, really.

[indistinct whispering]

I'm speaking here.

Why is no one listening?

Hello!

[whispering continues]

Hey! How's it going?

Hey, girls. Hey, how you doing? [laughs]

Who is that?

Please.

Could she have worn a tighter tunic?

Hey, guys.

[babbling, giggling]

You did the Pygmalion thing, didn't you?

Not everybody needs to know it.

Cassandra, I'd like you to meet

my date for the dance, Galatea.

Cassandra, Icarus' girlfriend.

That's a geek myth.

Then whose girlfriend are you?

Nobody's.

Are you looking?

[scoffs] No.

Good.

Oh, Hercules, I don't know

where I'd be without you.

Maybe in a bucket in the art class?

Adonis, who's that new girl with Hercules?

[speaking gibberish]

They make such a cute couple.

I'm going to go introduce myself.

OK. Get me one, too.

Um, Hercules.

I just had to come over

and meet your friend.

I'm Helen.

-Galatea.

-Super!

Galatea, let me tell you,

Hercules is so kind and cute.

He's a total doll.

So, you like Hercules?

Oh, I adore the beans out of him.

[chuckles] Helen, can you show me

where the powder room is?

Absotively.

Hmm. Let me ask you,

which word best describes

your whole create-a-date scheme,

stupid or demented?

So I wished for a beautiful girl

who's crazy about me.

Crazy about you?

Excuse me. Have you met Icarus?

OK, I'll call you Cassandra Junior.

And you Cassie, and you Cassandy,

and you Cassandyra.

Well...nah.

Galatea's perfect.

She's already making friends with Helen.

Look at Hercules again, [in deep voice]

and I will rip out your vocal cords.

[gasps] Okey-dokey.

It was really nice to meet you. Bye-bye.

[normal voice] I'm back. Miss me?

You bet. Hey, where's Helen?

Powder room fixing her face.

But I'm here.

And when we're together,

it's like Mount Olympus on Earth.

[laughs] It is, isn't it?

"Cast your vote for king and queen

of the Aphrodesia Dance."

What do I do?

You write in the couple

who you think should win.

Oh, vote for us!

OK.

Oh, wouldn't it be neat if we won?

Yeah.

Hey, there's Icarus and Cassandra.

[jackhammer pounding]

So, where's your claymate of the month?

Right behind me. Be nice, OK?

All sweetness and light.

I'm back! Miss me?

So, Galatea, how do you like our school?

Love it!

-What classes are you taking?

-None.

None? What are you gonna do all day,

obsessively follow Hercules?

[chuckles] Pretty much.

Yeah.

Really, I--I can handle this one

on my own.

[indistinct conversations]

Galatea, I appreciate all the attention,

but can we cool it down?

-Whatever.

-Oh, good.

Whatever you say.

No, see, I know you mean well,

but I think you get carried away.

[clears throat]

Attention! Attention, please!

Thank you.

The king and queen of the

upcoming Aphrodesia Dance are,

by unanimous vote, Hercules and Galatea!

[all exclaiming]

You didn't do this, did you?

You did.

[giggles]

And where is our happy royal couple?

We do have a schedule.

Ah, here they are now.

Oh, gosh, I can't believe we won!

[cheers and applause]

That's uncle Hercules up there.

Yes, it is.

Would you switch seats with me, please?

Oh, wow!

I-I really can't believe we won.

I didn't expect to win, but I just--

I want to thank the boy

who took me in his arms and shaped me.

Hercules.

[cheers and applause]

I, uh... This is a great honor,

and I'd love to be the king of the dance--

Yes, yes. Sorry, out of time.

Really must keep it moving.

Wait. I don't deserve this.

Ah, humility. Admirable quality.

It couldn't have been unanimous.

I know that I voted for myself.

Yes, yes. I'm sure.

If you have a complaint, as you often do,

you may lodge it with the student council.

They're powerless anyway.

But the king of the Aphrodesia Dance

is my birthright.

I am a prince.

It's an insult to the gods

to award this honor to jerkules. [gasps]

-[screaming]

-Galatea!

won't have you talking to

Hercules like that.

Galatea, put Adonis down.

I don't want you to hurt him.

-You don't? Well, OK then.

-[Adonis screaming]

Oh, I would never ever do

anything to displease you.

Uh! Me either.

So, handsome, what should we do now?

Galatea, we've got to talk.

You're a nice girl.

Perfect even... in some ways,

but I don't think this is working out.

Is it me? 'Cause I can change.

Would you like me taller, shorter,

something more exotic?

[snakes hissing]

No, no, no. That's not the problem.

I want you to be your own person.

OK, then I'll be my own person.

You can't

because I didn't make you that way.

Look, what is that?

The sun?

And if I say it's the moon?

Did I say sun? I meant moon.

See what I mean?

I'm sorry, Galatea, but it's over.

But--but it can't be over!

[grunting]

I won't let you go!

Don't you understand? I'm crazy about you!

[horse neighs]

Come with me if you want to live.

[neighs]

Cassandra, how did you know

I'd be in trouble?

Duh. You had a vision, right?

I have extensive experience

with obsessive affection.

[gasps]

Icarus, now!

Attack, my potties! Attack!

What? Ow!

Galatea, I hope we can be friends.

You'll find someone else soon, I'm sure.

It's not you, it's me.

[muffled screams]

[sighing]

I promise it won't hurt as much tomorrow.

I have some growing up to do.

Aah! Ooh!

I'm just not ready for

this sort of commitment.

[neighs]

[sighs] I feel bad about doing that,

but she left me no choice.

[babbling]

I mean, she was dangerous.

[man] Galatea could not be here tonight,

due to the revelation

that she's a mutating clay monster,

so we've been forced to choose

a new king and queen.

Please welcome Helen and Adonis,

whose father has just made

a sizeable donation to the academy.

[cheers and applause]

Um, Adonis, he made it sound

like you bought the election.

And surprisingly affordable it was.

Yes, it's me.

[Icarus] Oh, no.

Did I tell the sitter to read a story?

Because Cassie won't sleep

without a story.

Any chance we can leave

Icarus on that island?

I'm sure Galatea could use the company.

[sighs] Don't remind me.

This is all wrong.

I can't just leave Galatea

in the middle of the Aegean.

Uh, that's not an issue anymore.

[all gasping]

[deep voice] I'm back! Miss me?

-Watch it! Duck!

-[all clamoring]

Hercules...

You, me, dance now.

Sorry, Galatea,

but I'm sitting this one out.

Ga-ah!

[grunting]

[people screaming]

[grunting]

-Fire!

-Aah!

Please, please! Don't panic!

Get out of my way!

[grunting]

Don't play hard to get.

Oh! [gasps]

Help me!

Galatea!

Hurry, man.

The heat from those flames

is gonna bake her like clay,

which I guess she is.

Oh!

[gasps]

[muffled] Herc...

Oh, no.

Galatea.

You...will...be...mine.

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

It's one dance after another.

Where am I now? Athens?

Oh, what? Oh, I'm a little late,

and you start a riot?

I'm sorry,

but this is a busy time of year for me.

Uh-oh. [laughs]

Trouble with the little lady, Hercules?

I was stupid.

And selfish.

-And shallow.

-And sexist.

OK, all true. Thank you.

[sighs]

Galatea deserved better.

She deserved to be her own person.

Oh, look at you.

You've had a growing moment.

Wow. All right.

Well, let's make her a person.

So, maybe a little free will,

mind of her own.

Galatea, I'm sorry.

May I have this dance?

Oh, Hercules, that'd be wonderful...

If I felt that way about you,

which I don't.

And I'm sorry, but you know what?

It's not you, it's me.

I have some growing up to do.

It won't hurt as much tomorrow. I promise.

I hope we can still be friends.

Where'd that hunky Ajax go?

[grunting, squealing]

You know, baby, if you ever

wanted me out of your life,

I love you enough

that I would get right out.

Get out.

Like a bat out of the underworld,

color me gone.

Leave. Get out. Go.

I mean, if you love something,

you set it free, right?

[sighs]

Sorry it worked out like that, kid.

Yeah. I guess you made a better wish, huh?

Nope. The wife's as loony as they come.

But look at her. Look at me.

I ain't complaining.

So long, suckers!

[laughs]

All right, not everyone gets the lesson.

[theme music playing]