Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[teletype clattering]

Homer, Greekly world news, reporting.

Dateline, Athens.

[teletype clattering]

All right, kids, my editor says you have

a genuine front-page shocker.

Frankly, I'm skeptical.

What's this story about?

It's about shame.

It's about royalty.

It's about the shame of royalty.

And the wave of the future!

[whispers] Steam power.

What say you, wet glum guy with a crown?

It's about how we lost Helen.

Mmm, no. It's--it's about how...

I lost Helen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Let's start at the beginning.

Well, it was homecoming week.

And everyone was working hard

to get the school ready.

Or... almost everyone.

Adonis, I was wondering,

maybe we could pitch in

with the decorating this year.

Helen, are you delirious?

No. I--I--I just thought it might be fun

to join in with our classmates.

Oh, but, my dear Helen,

it's much more delicious

to lord power over them.

Speaking of which, my favorite little

grunt needs attending to.

Watch this. Oh, Hercules!

It's crooked.

It is not.

Helen, my dear, it's crooked, right?

It doesn't look crook--

Of course it is! Fix it, jerkules.

You say it's crooked. I say it's straight.

What makes you right and me wrong?

Oh, it's very simple.

I'm royalty.

Yeah, at home in Thrace.

But this is Athens,

which means you're just

a guy with a big mouth.

Oh, you don't know? No one told you?

I'm also the officially ordained

homecoming king

of the Prometheus Academy.

Wha--you're royalty of the school, too?

Oh, yes. The title's been passed down

through my family for ages.

Sort of an heirloom, as it were.

[Hercules] Well I never

picked him to be my king!

Don't I get a say in who my leaders are?

In what way is this fair?

Mr. Parentheses, royalty is founded

on the very notion

that life is unfair, for the commoner,

at least.

Hmm. Considering Athens' reputation--

Cradle of democracy and all that--

That really is quite a double standard.

Why not let the students

decide for themselves

who'll be their homecoming king?

Sounds like a smashing idea!

But a logistical nightmare.

[Adonis] It's a ridiculous idea!

Ho ho ho! Who'd be fool enough

to run against me?

Well, call me a fool.

"Vote Adonis because he deserves it."

Huh. Why bother?

"Vote Hercules because Adonis

doesn't deserve it"!

OK! [laughs]

All right! I'm am votin' for Her--

Wait. What's his name again?

[crowd cheering]

[Hercules] [chuckles] Looks like years

of bein' a jerk

have caught up with ya, Adonis, huh?

They were very good years.

I wouldn't change a thing.

[Icarus] O mighty lord of the school,

you are my liege and I

your humble servant.

Eh, psst! Woman, get down on your knee

before the imperious one!

You'd think this sort of stuff would get

less embarrassing with time.

It doesn't.

Icarus, get up.

But, sire, you're my mighty king.

I'm your homecoming king.

It's not that big a deal.

[Helen] Hi, Hercules.

So on Friday, when will

you pick me up, 7:00?

-Huh?

-The homecoming?

You're the king, and I'm the queen?

She ran unopposed.

The dangers of a one-party system.

Um, there was one vote for someone named,

Uh... Feta cheeks.

You were my write-in vote. [purrs]

Hey!

Oh, w-w-wait.

You're my date to the homecoming ball?

[giggles] Why, yes, silly.

Oh, I've never gone without Adonis.

[giggles] this will be fun for us both.

No doubt!

All right, all right, all right!

Stop this at once!

Your rags-to-royalty journey has been

quite the heartwarming tale.

But you'll soon learn the weight

of that crown is a heavy one.

Helen, attend me.

[giggles] He's so cute when he's needy.

Bye, Hercules. See ya Friday!

[nervous laugh]

[Icarus] Well, I believe you were saying

your royal title is no big deal?

I take it back.

Being the homecoming king rules!

And now, fellow Trojans,

we strike a blow for stallion pride!

[crowd murmuring]

The Trojans shall pay with body parts!

This is an outrage!

Oh! This is disgraceful, sire!

Oh, it lacks any sense

of artistic of éclat.

"Stallion Pride"?

Wh-why would they do this?

I wouldn't dig too deep

for a hidden meaning.

[Parentheses] An impish homecoming prank!

i.e. Trojans strike again.

Designed to deflate the morale

of the opposition.

Ipso Facto: Us.

[Adonis] They never would have

dared such an atrocity

when I was in power.

What are you going to do about it?

[crowd shouting]

Yeah! Yeah! What are

you gonna do about it?

Well, uh... I guess I could get

a bucket of soapy water

and a--and a scrub brush.

I think I could get that paint off.

Ooh! A brush and soapy water.

Well, that is a bold move!

That'll teach those wily Trojans.

I-if I could have a word

with my, uh, royal advisors.

[whispering] We can't strike back!

It's not nice!

[mocking] Ooh! It's not nice!

Come on. It's all just good-natured fun.

Homecoming tradition.

They expect us to retaliate, your worship.

Look, if we do something,

then--then they'll do something else back.

Yes, sir! That's it, baby!

Stir the pot.

[evil snickering]

That's how things get out of hand!

Cassandra, you agree with me, right?

I don't know!

I'd say yes, but something

is holding me back.

A weird feeling of--

School spirit?

Eww! Sweet Zeus!

What have I become?

Reclaim the honor of our alma mater,

Hercules.

Well, a prank isn't really--

Or give back that crown!

[crowd shouting]

Uh, OK. Uh...

Eagle pride forever!

[cheering]

[crowd chanting] Eagle pride!

Eagle pride! Eagle pride...

I can't believe it. Look at this place.

Ugh. I know. It's all so Trojan.

That's not what I was

getting at. Look around.

It looks just like the Prometheus Academy.

Uh, yeah, right!

Next you're gonna tell me

that the Trojans aren't

so different from us.

Your majesty, can we please dispense

with the open-mindedness?

You have a royal responsibility.

Right. Gotta keep my focus.

This is all about school spirit.

[Hercules] There! That's our target.

OK. The coast is clear.

[Icarus] Commence operation payback.

[chortling]

Ha ha ha! Really.

What I did to that statue

was an improvement.

The Prometheus Academy should thank me.

[chuckles]

Uh... Paris? Our statue is movin'.

Whatever are you blabbering about?

-Whoa.

-Who's that?

-What's he doin'?

-Wow.

-Dude is strong!

-How can he lift that?

What the--I say! Excuse me!

Just what do you think you're doing?

Hey! You messed with our statue.

Now we're messin' with yours!

Ho! Yee-hah! Yessir!

Eagle pride! Caw caw!

That's right! We got you, buddy!

[out of breath] Look, Promethean...

That's a very special statue

you're holding.

And I wouldn't want you--

What? Are the big bad Trojans worried

about a little prank with their statue?

Aw--whoop! Whoopsy-daisy!

Ooh! Whoa-oh-oh! Whoopsy-daisy!

No! No! Please!

Put it down... please?

Oh! You guys are such babies.

It's just fun.

I'm just playin'-- oops.

What have you done?

This was a gift from... Hephaestus!

A present upon the founding

of this academy!

Fathers and mothers bring

their children here

to see the glorious marvel

that is the pride of Troy!

-And you... broke it!

-[crowd shouting]

Flee, your majesty! Flee!

[mob shouting]

[female student] It's supposed to be

good-natured fun!

How'd you get elected

homecoming king, anyway?

What? You voted for me!

No! I voted against Adonis!

You know there's, like,

a whole difference!

You have cast us all in the dirt-dark

shadow of shame!

Whoa. That's dark.

[angry muttering]

Damage control time.

We've got to put a positive spin

on this disaster.

I'll just be honest.

You're new at politics, aren't you?

Look, guys, I'm sorry.

Things just sorta got outta hand.

[Adonis] Indeed!

Out of your clumsy hand.

Now, let's nip this

power-to-the-people folly in the bud, 'k?

Shall we?

[crowd speaking indistinctly]

All rise for our elected royalty!

There's a contradiction in terms.

Our lovely queen Helen...

[crowd cheers]

...And our strapping, but woefully clumsy

King Hercules!

[crowd jeers]

Oh, don't feel bad.

Your prank got a little out of hand,

but I'm sure the Trojans

took it all in good fun.

[Paris] No prisoners!

[shouting]

Oh, my! They seem a little touchy.

Don't worry. I'll take care of this.

Do you want anything?

Maybe a drink or something?

I'll be right back.

[Homer] So that was the start

of the hostilities?

Yiieee!

[Hercules] Yeah, it got pretty hostile,

but we gave as good as we got.

[Hercules] Eagle pride was preserved,

For what that's worth.

Because when all was said and done,

we paid a pretty heavy price.

I guess we showed them, huh, Helen?

Helen? Where'd she go? What's this?

Where's helen? Did she finally

wise up and dump you?

No. It's worse than that.

The Trojans kidnapped Helen!

[Hercules] Given the nature of the crisis,

I've called you all here

as special advisors.

The question before us--

How do we get Helen back from the Trojans?

I'm going on a hunger strike!

From now on, I won't eat

until Helen is returned!

So take that, Trojan swine!

[grunts]

[pig grunting]

Ajax, got an idea?

[growls]

Excuse me. You wouldn't

happen to have a cookie, would ya?

A little snacky-wacky?

Any munchie-wunchie will do. Come on.

Look, we can't just burst

in there and grab Helen.

Amazon warriors cut the "T" off can't.

Tempest, the Trojan Academy

has tightened security.

They'd cream us even before

we got to the gate!

Then we will not sail

to the eternal shores

of the river Styx alone!

I'm kinda looking for a plan

that minimizes the death angle, ya know?

Adonis, I could use your help.

My--my what? I'm sorry.

I didn't quite catch that.

What was that last part?

[teeth clenched] Help.

Oh, not so smug now,

are you, King Hercules?

Well, what would you have done?

Usually, when the Trojans

painted the statue,

I'd order my servants to clean it

before anyone saw it.

Then I would fire off a scathing letter!

And that was that.

A letter? That's the retaliation

you were demanding?

A scathing letter!

Bursting with verbs-- action words--

really tough stuff.

Hold on! I gotta-- Whoa!

Pressure drop. I kinda stood up too fast.

OK. This may be starvation talk,

But I've got an idea.

Let me get this straight.

We sneak into the Trojan Academy

in... that?

Hah! It's so crazy, it has to work!

It's the horseless horse

my Dadalus and I have been working on.

All the pleasures of horse riding

without all the stinky. Hah!

You're cracked.

No, no. No, he isn't.

In fact, I don't think

it's a bad idea at all.

At... all?

OK. It's--it's--it's not a great idea,

but it's all we've got to save Helen.

Ho, easy there.

Let's hit the drive-through

on the way, OK? Come on!

[Paris] "Dear Trojan Academy,

sorry about your statue and stuff.

Please take this one instead.

Love, the Prometheus Academy."

Huh. Extending the olive branch.

How very Athenian.

And yet, something seems wrong.

Their letters are usually rife

with action words.

[all gasp]

[whispering] I told you so!

They're onto us!

It's all over.

Good! My blade thirsts for Trojan blood!

Tempest! I can't emphasize strongly enough

this is not a death raid.

It seems a well-intentioned,

if crude, gesture.

I say we take it!

Absolutemente! Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, yeah, that's great. That's perfect.

Yeah, yeah, it seems to be

sensible enough to me.

[Paris] Open the gates!

Hah! See? I told you this would work.

[Icarus] Oh, man! I am so hungry,

I could eat a horse!

Hah! Which is pretty ironic when

you think about it. [laughs]

-[all] Shh!

-[Icarus] Oh, don't shush me!

All clear!

Uh-oh! Look natural.

Stallion Pride!

-Yeah...

-Whatever.

You bet.

She's gotta be here somewhere.

Wh-where are they holding her?

I see Helen in the company of her captors.

I do not trust your sorcerer's ways.

The only vision I believe

is that of my own two eyes.

She's over there.

[Tempest] Oh.

Now is the time!

Trojan, we demand our queen back!

Oh! Hi, Hercules.

[yawns] It's about time.

I was wondering when

you'd reveal yourself.

[gasp] You... knew we were here?

I'm always wary of geeks bearing gifts.

Trojans! Prepare to humiliate!

[Icarus] Oh! Very good, Paris!

But you've overlooked

one very important fact.

Herc here is a demigod.

Throw the whole student body at him!

Ha ha! He'll just keep coming!

Oh, heavens to Betsy.

That would be a problem, wouldn't it, hmm?

That is, if we didn't have our new...

exchange student.

Cousin Otus?

Arrrrgh... [water sloshing]

Correct. Otus is a son of Poseidon.

-So that makes him...

-[belch]

Eh, let me see now-- Hmm...

-[belch]

-Oh. A demigod.

[chuckles]

I say, Otus,

how about a good sound thrashing

for our Prometheus Academy friend, hmm?

[grunting] [laughs]

Hercules, I have an idea.

Next year, don't run for king.

Deal.

[heavy footsteps approaching]

[grunting]

Abort mission!

[crowd shouting]

They're savages! Savages, I say!

Get 'em! Get 'em!

Wake up! Wake up, my liege!

Talk to me, buddy!

[groans]

What happened?

You know, for a demigod,

you've got a glass jaw.

Better to die on our feet

than live on our knees!

What?

Surrender is perfectly reasonable

and much less messy than death. Watch.

[Adonis] Hello! Hello?

We surrender!

Ouch! Ooh! Ah!

OK. I'm open to other suggestions.

Hah! Boiler's ready, baby!

Icarus, wh-what are ya doin'?

Well, I'm an inventor's son, buddy,

and this cart's got a few surprises.

Witness the awesome glory

of steam power!

[steam hissing]

[toot]

[wood creaking]

[toot toot]

Whoa. It moves.

Barely.

Hooo-whee! Eat my dust, Troy!

Whoo!

Icarus, c-can't we go any faster?

Whoo--well, no. Come on.

We're centuries ahead

of ourselves as it is.

Just calm down.

[yawns] As dreadfully

exciting as this chase is,

I think I shall put an end to it

before I grow old.

Ready the Augean stable cheese!

Yeah! Right here!

Aye, aye, sir!

Yes, sir! You got it!

[horses whinnying and passing gas]

Let them have it!

[screams]

Who wants the cheese?

Take that!

Take that!

How do ya like that?

[Hercules] Wow! That is ripe!

D-ooh! There's the stinky!

Hey! We're pickin' up speed.

We're gonna make it!

Uh, not to do my usual

raining on the parade,

uh, but we're headed for a cliff.

[all together] A cliff?

[Hercules] Icarus, can't you stop us?

Not to worry, my liege.

Hah! This thing still has a few tricks

up its wooden sleeve.

That's right!

Wings!

[all scream]

Icarus! We're not flying!

Well, yeah, but the winds

will cut the impact of the crash by 10%.

See? Those wings really did the trick,

huh? Huh?

[Paris] Have a nice swim home,

Hercules. Heh heh.

I'll give your best to Helen! Heh heh!

[chanting] Stallion pride! Stallion pride!

Stallion pride...

So what have you learned from all this?

Honor is kept only by the sword.

Perhaps the horseless horse

needs a little fine-tuning.

School spirit should be left

to girls with pompoms.

Democracy reeks.

Being a leader is tough?

Don't be swayed by the crowd?

Pranks can get outta hand?

I--i don't know!

Look, what I do know is

that I'm not giving up.

We've gotta find a way to save Helen!

[Helen] Save me?

Hercules, whatever are you talking about?

[all gasp]

Helen! You escaped! How?

Escaped?

You were the Trojans'

prisoner, my darling.

[giggles] Oh, you sillies.

I was their guest.

You see, I thought this

whole homecoming rivalry

had gotten out of hand,

so I decided to do something.

I went straight to Troy

and talked to that Paris.

And you know what? Hmmm.

He's not so bad after all.

Wait! You weren't a prisoner?

[giggles] No!

But I am going to be Paris' date

for their homecoming dance.

Aah!

I'm just glad you're safe.

Hoo hoo! Now the healing can begin!

Come on! Group hug!

Or not.

OK. How about hanging out

at the speedy pita?

OK, cool. Let's go.

Yeah. Heh. I'm starving.

-Sure.

-OK. Yeah.

Well, I suppose I could do that.

Who's paying?

So she wasn't even kidnapped.

I gotta spice this story up a bit.

Forget this high school rivalry stuff.

We need a war!

A 10-year war between city-states,

started by Helen, whose face

could launch a hundred--

No. Make that a thousand ships.

I'll throw in Achilles,

give it a tragic angle.

Now we're cookin'! Yowzah!

[theme music playing]