Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Is he bold? ♪

-♪ No one braver ♪

-♪ Is he sweet? ♪

-♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

[man reading]

[Robert Stack] Winter clutches

the Prometheus Academy

in its frosty grip.

But as sure as night turns to day,

icy winter must give way

to the glory that is spring.

Spring, the season of love and friendship.

Throughout the campus,

students bustle with newfound energy...

Hey, where is everyone?

Come on, Bob, didn't you ever

hear of Spring Break?

[Robert Stack] S-Spring Break?

I think that's a no.

Honey, you could use a vacation.

Why don't you come with us?

Here, Bobby boy, have a ball.

[surf-guitar music plays]

[giggling]

Oh, sweetie pie, you are a Sun God.

[sighs] You missed a spot.

Ow!

Oops.

Watch it, Thunder Boy!

You might be on vacation,

But some people are still

on the clock down here!

Hey, Cassandra, why don't you

come hang with the gang?

No thanks.

I'm hanging with my gang,

Aristotle and Plato.

[radar-like beeping]

Ah, Cassandra!

Target acquired!

Ooh, Icarus, I think

she wants to be alone.

But, Herc, the conditions here

are perfect.

The sun, the sea, the sand.

Forecast calls for 100% chance

of love, baby!

All right, Icarus, find out for yourself.

[Man] It is an inarguable truth

that all human endeavor points

toward one ultimate goal,

perfection.

He-e-e-y, my Cassandy-wandy!

So much for inarguable truth.

Ha ha!

I don't know what that means.

If you'll excuse me, I'm reading.

Ooooh! Whatcha got?

Some of that mindless beach readin'?

Ooooh!

"Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics."

And the critics weigh in,

"I couldn't put it down!" Proclaims Atlas.

Ha ha ha!

See? Atlas, uh...

Uh, also can't put down the, uh, sky,

which he, uh, holds on his shoulders.

I'd like to be left alone. Please?

And hold this big heavy scroll

all by yourself?

No. I don't think so. I'll read it to you.

Go away!

No, no. Tut-tut. I insist.

Leave me alone.

I insist.

Well, now it's a multivolume set.

[gasps] That does it!

Go away and never come back!

Ha! That's my Sassy Cassie!

I'm not your sassy Cassie!

I'm not your Cassie Lassie!

I'm not your anything and anything else

that stupidly rhymes with the first thing!

But Cassie, I'm your boyfriend.

You're not my boyfriend!

Oh! Uh... Significant other?

No!

Right. There are no words

for what we have.

How 'bout "goodbye"?

What are you getting at?

You on that side.

Me...

Now let's keep it this way!

Stay out of my life!

OK! You big kidder!

[nervously] ha! Ha!

Well, I better go back to my room.

[voice breaking] I, uh,

got some sand in my eye...

[sniffles] and my nose.

[crying]

Hey, you were kind of rough

on him, weren't you?

He's such a-- A freak!

Borderline, sure...

But he's still a good friend.

Don't forget that.

Friend.

Friends. That's us. All right.

Friends. Buddies. Amigos. Confrères.

Buddies-- did I say buddies yet?

Look, Icarus, you don't have to

pretend you're over Cassandra.

Well, I am. I've forgotten all about her.

One Sisyphus meatballs

and one Trojan tater tots.

[crying] Trojan tater tots!

Tater tots remind me of Cassandra!

[sobbing]

Tots remind me of kids,

which remind me of goats,

who have horns,

and that reminds me of music,

which reminds me of dance,

which rhymes with trance,

which leads me to the love-induced trance

of Cassandra!

[sobs]

Um, I'll just bring you a twisty loaf.

Twisty loaf? Oh, man!

Icarus, pull yourself together.

It's not the end of the world.

Yes, it is!

There isn't a woman alive

who could take Cassandra's

place in my heart!

-Not one single...

-[wolf whistles]

Who?

[all sighing]

Hubba!

-Oh, baby!

-Mama!

Who is that?

[Hercules] [breathlessly] Who is that?

Whoa. Hello.

Homina-homina-homina!

Who is that?

[Helen] Adonis? Hello?

[all] Who is that?

[Robert Stack] Who indeed.

This was none other

than Circe the enchantress,

known for her beauty but feared

for her ruthless quest

to capture the perfect man.

Mysterious, dangerous, cunning, evil...

[breathlessly] gorgeous,

lovely, beautiful...

Uh, Bobby? You OK?

I never seen you like this now.

Of course, I've never seen you at all.

Hi, boys. I'm new in town.

I just drifted in on my big,

floating Island of Love...

Sounds normal to me.

...and I'm looking for the best

man around to be my --

My new boyfriend.

Anyone interested?

[nervously] uh, well... [panting]

I thought so.

♪ I been so lonely lately ♪

♪ Feeling down and so low ♪

♪ Bored stiff with how I'm living ♪

♪ My love life's moving too slow ♪

♪ But two strong hands can hold me ♪

♪ And bring me up to speed ♪

♪ One good man ♪

♪ Is all that I need ♪

♪ So come a little closer ♪

♪ There's no need to be shy ♪

[snaps fingers]

♪ Just show me what you're made of ♪

♪ You might be my kind of guy ♪

♪ Someone whose squeeze could please me ♪

♪ Could apply a little TLC ♪

♪ One good man ♪

♪ Is all that I need ♪

♪ The smoothest, the smartest ♪

♪ The best, a brooding artist ♪

♪ The handsomest hero hunk ♪

♪ The moment I choose ♪

♪ The rest of you lose ♪

♪ Now show me a little spunk ♪

♪ Chump ♪

♪ My search could end

with ten boyfriends ♪

♪ But I don't go for greed ♪

♪ Somebody give me one little good man ♪

♪ That's all that I need ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Looks like I found my new boyfriend.

Oh, yes!

I may already be a winner!

You picked Ic--

But I'm so very beautiful.

Take another look.

Oh, but I'm so tired

of sculpted, chiseled hunks.

Icarus is different.

He's such a... Oh, he's such a freak!

[laughs]

It's adorable.

[panting]

To each her own.

My Island of Love awaits...

Sweet stuff.

Oh, I'm super freaky!

♪ Ye-ow ♪

[Helen] Oh, I'm so sorry, Cassandra.

I can only imagine how tough

it must be to lose a boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend!

If Circe wants him, she can have him.

Oh, Cassandra, I can't help

but feel that your anger

is really just a way to mask

your true hurt feelings.

And I can't help but feel

you're oblivious.

Adonis was ready to dump you for Circe.

Very clever, Cassandra,

trying to change the subject.

But this isn't about me.

It's about you

and your feelings for Icarus.

You want to know what I'm feeling?

Elation. I'm glad he's gone!

Delighted! Ecstatic!

Oh. OK. Whatever you say.

Trust me. Before that boat reaches

her island, Circe will realize

that Icarus is nothing

but an annoying little freak.

Ah! You annoying little freak!

I had no idea boat decks were so slippery!

But goodness, I don't trip

nearly as often on land.

The stain will come out.

Oh, sorry about the duck.

Seize him!

Oh, that's my little Circe-worsey.

Hmm. No, that's no good.

Oh, how about Circe-bursey? Circe-mercy!

Just stop me when you hear

a pet name you like.

Try "curse me."

Huh. Circe-curse-me.

You got it, baby.

OK! That's a good one!

Circe-curse-me. Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I should've seen that one coming.

A platypus?

Aah!

I had to try a different kind of guy.

Ugh. What a mistake.

Oh, but I was super freaky!

♪ Ye-ow ♪

Like it was a good thing!

Yeah.

[laughs] welcome to Suckersville, pal!

[laughs] Get a load of this guy.

[laughs]

What a loser!

Oh, don't listen to the hyena.

We're all in the same boat.

Circe does this to all her ex-boyfriends.

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

She's crazy about you

till it turns out you're not

some kind of superman.

Then she gets ticked off and zappo--

You're in the zoo.

So tell me, how long did you last?

Four, five weeks?

Uh, well, actually, it was, uh...

more like, uh, five... minutes.

Five minutes? [laughs]

That's a new world record! [laughs]

Five minutes! Whoo-hoo!

Laugh it up!

[voice breaking]

They were the best five minutes

of my life.

Icarus, better than me? Ha!

Maybe when the Underworld

goes up in smoke and fire.

Adonis, the Underworld is--

Come off your winged high horse, Hercules.

You're as disappointed as I am.

No, no, no. I-I'm happy for Icarus.

He deserves to win for once.

[slurping]

[thinking] So what if I'm

1,000 times stronger than him?

I'm 2,000 times better-looking.

[thinking] Maybe she didn't

get a good enough look at me.

Why, the poor girl. I'm going to--

I-I'm going with you.

Ha! I knew you were as shallow as me.

No, I-I'm not.

I'm, I'm worried about my friend Icarus.

He might get his feelings hurt out there.

Whatever you want to tell yourself.

No, really.

I am. I'm concerned about him, really.

I'm very, very... concerned

about his welfare.

Mmm. That's why you came?

I was hoping a chiseled hunk

of a man like you

wanted to see me.

[laughs nervously] See, see you?

Well, uh... yeah. I mean, of course.

I mean, as long as I'm here, n-no sense--

Don't listen to this Doric.

Maybe you didn't see me from my good side.

Behold.

How do you like me now?

Mmm. Not bad.

Not bad at all.

And as an added bonus, I'm a prince!

Oh, really?

I like princes.

Well, I'm a demigod.

Oh.

I'm the son of Zeus,

and I'm destined to be

the greatest hero

the world has ever known.

Mmm. Impressive.

But I thought you came for your friend.

Who?

Oh! Uh, right. Yeah. Of course.

Yeah, I did, b-but I thought

maybe if it didn't work out

between you two...

[chuckles] It didn't.

So go on, dazzle me with your brilliance.

Well, first of all, look at this tan.

Have you ever seen a sight so beautiful?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

on Mount Olympus.

That's my home, you know.

Or it will be when I achieve

my fullest potential.

Yes, of course, and you'll live there

with all your cute little elf

and pixie friends, Right, Hercules?

How fun! He's crazy!

Ugh.

Ah, I can finally read in peace.

I may actually have to smile.

[man] Chapter eight, friendship.

of all things on Earth,

friendship is indispensable to life.

There is nothing without it.

[Icarus] And everything with it!

You can say that again, sister!

[man] For we praise those

who love their friends.

[Icarus purring]

love, baby.

OK, it's no big deal.

Icarus is gone, and you have

nothing to feel guilty about.

Read your scroll.

[man] For we define a friend

as one who wishes

and does what is good

for the sake of a friend.

Hey,good-lookin'!

Aah!

Hey, where are you going?

Can I get you anything?

And then I came to the most

terrible realization of my life.

I actually missed him--

Missed his freakishness.

I-I don't get it.

You said he got annoying

after five minutes.

I'm not saying it's healthy.

I'm just saying I miss the guy.

Beware...

I see danger on the horizon--

Danger and evil sorcery.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Let's talk about happy things.

Ooh, what do you think about

the new spring caftan designs?

Helen, Icarus, Adonis,

and Hercules are in big trouble.

We have to rescue them.

Ooh, an outing!

Nifty!

Yes, he can roll his tongue,

but I can wiggle my ears.

Surely that makes me your new boyfriend.

I can flare my nostrils to music!

Ugh.

OK, this is getting really old.

Let's just say you're both winners.

[chuckles]

Both winners?

Shh. I think I hear them over this way.

[Adonis] Is this

some sort of time-share deal?

I'll have to see the breakdown on that.

I get her Monday through Wednesday.

Mental note--

No more Prometheus Academy students.

Hey! What's happening to us?

W-what am I?

A lemur.

A what? What's that?

Oh, just another addition to my

collection of dumb animals.

Collection?

You evil enchantress!

Look what you've done

to my beautiful body!

Ah, though I do have

lovely plumage, don't you think?

Hey, watch the feathers,

you porcine brute!

These have to last me a lifetime!

Oh, come on! This is all a huge mistake!

I was only here to check up on my friend!

Herc! Adonis! Yoo-hoo!

Hey! This is just like a class reunion,

Only, you know, we're animals.

This is terrible.

Yeah, but Adonis does have lovely plumage.

You go bust the boys out of their cage.

I'm going after Circe.

So... [chuckles]

I hear you only lasted five minutes.

Loser!

Back off, pretty boy!

I have poisonous spurs, and I

am not afraid to lose them!

Now, you'll excuse me.

I have some eggs to bury.

Well, at least I'm the property

of the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen.

Is that so?

Helen, darling! Peachy one!

I put on my best makeup to rescue you,

and this is the thanks I get?

But, cuddle cub, you didn't let me finish.

I was going to say, "property

of the most gorgeous woman

I've ever seen-- next to Helen."

Good recovery, no?

Cassandra was right!

I am through being your doormat!

Hey, what's going on? What's going on?

We're all doomed.

Whoa! Hey, Herc, look!

You still have your demigod strength!

Hey, make that demi-lemur strength.

What are you doing here?

[groaning]

Helen, get down!

Aah!

Oh, way to go, buddy!

I don't care what species you are.

You are the bee's knees, baby!

Thanks, Icarus.

Now let's get out of here.

Hey!

Ya-a-a-a-hoo!

I know the way to freedom. Follow me.

The throne room, Adonis?

Sorry. I am a prince.

It's like a homing instinct.

Well, I liked having a menagerie,

but I suppose a girl can always

use a fur coat or two.

Aaah!

Haven't you heard, Circe?

Fur is dead.

Ugh!

Does anybody here have an opposable thumb?

Ohh! Give it!

Not a chance!

[grunting]

You're risking your life

to save these jerks?

Yeah, I know.

Cassie, lassie, you came to rescue me!

Oh, what a great girlfriend!

He's your boyfriend?

For the last time, he's not my boyfriend!

Ooh!

Aah!

Whoa. Heard that.

But he is my friend-- my good friend.

OK! Close enough for me.

I'm your friend, and I'm a boy--

At least I think I still am.

Ah, yeah! Thank you!

Oh! I am back,

and I am better than ever, baby!

You know, I kind of miss the tail.

Uh-oh. It's not working.

We're just talking pigs, ma'am.

Uh, you mind if we go root

around in the mud?

Knock yourselves out.

Here's your magic thing back.

Wait, one last thing. Ugh!

Oh, great.

How do I break up with a guy now?

I know of at least 50 ways that

don't require a veterinarian.

Look, nobody's perfect, Circe.

The house of love is built on

a foundation of compromise.

Hello. Is it safe?

Then again, why settle?

What? What could it be?

What's everyone looking at?

Is my plumage askew? Oh, it is.

All right, all right.

Maybe I was a little too harsh, OK?

But there is a way to change him back.

First--

Why don't you just whisper it to me?

[Robert Stack] So the memorable

spring break concludes.

The students set off for home,

forever changed by the experience.

Cassandra, I'm turning over a new leaf--

No more obnoxious behavior

from old Icarus.

No, sirree, Bob.

No more pestering, not from this fellow.

I've learned my lesson.

I'll never look at another girl again.

Well, that's a start.

Yes, and I think a good one.

Hey, want to watch where you

stick those feathers?

Oh, you're just loving this, aren't you?

Ha ha ha. I've had worse times.

[theme music playing]