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♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪
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♪ Hercules ♪
3
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♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪
4
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♪ Hercules ♪
5
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-♪ Is he bold? ♪-♪ No one braver ♪
6
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-♪ Is he sweet? ♪-♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪
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-♪ What a guy ♪-♪ Hercules ♪
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-♪ Ask his friends ♪-♪ Hercules ♪
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♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
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-♪ Hercules ♪-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
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♪ Hercules ♪
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00:00:30,542 --> 00:00:31,667
♪ Hercules ♪
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-♪ Come on ♪-♪ No one's fool ♪
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♪ Now the boy's in school ♪
15
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♪ He's in trainin' ♪
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♪ Smart and shy ♪
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-♪ And the nicest guy ♪-♪ No complainin' ♪
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♪ He was a no one ♪
19
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♪ Zero, zero ♪
20
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♪ Give him a quick deed ♪
21
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♪ He's our hero ♪
22
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♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪
23
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♪ From zero to hero ♪
24
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♪ Herc is a hero ♪
25
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♪ He'll be a hero ♪
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Wait and see!
27
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[Bob reading]
28
00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:09,083
[Bob]
The landscape of ancient Greece
29
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was fairly bursting with heroes--
30
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:13,667
The adventurous Jason...
31
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:16,417
the courageous Theseus...
32
00:01:16,750 --> 00:01:19,208
the wise and knowledgeable Philoctetes...
33
00:01:19,291 --> 00:01:22,083
[Thalia] Eh, you better
check yourself, Bob.
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00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,875
Phil? A hero?
35
00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,875
You must be mistaken, honey.
36
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Unh! Sorry, horn boy,
this is the hall of heroes.
37
00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:35,375
[Bob] Phil was a hero.
38
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,250
Um, how'd you do that?
39
00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:40,834
A powerful speaking voicecan move mountains.
40
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Mmm, turn it out, baby.
41
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We are listenin'.
42
00:01:44,417 --> 00:01:47,250
Ahem. Our story begins inauspiciously...
43
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at the hub of the Athenian social whirl--
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Speedy Pita.
45
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[chomping and grunting]
46
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[gulp] Ahh!
47
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You gonna eat that, kid?
48
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Um, no, Phil. Here.
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[chomping and grunting]
50
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-Delish! [belches]
-[Terpsichore] A hero?
51
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You're 100% on this, Bob?
52
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[Bob] Shh! Let's notpull everyone out of the story.
53
00:02:09,917 --> 00:02:10,750
[crowd murmuring]
54
00:02:10,959 --> 00:02:13,000
[Hercules] Whoa, I wonder
what the excitement is.
55
00:02:13,083 --> 00:02:16,417
[terrifying roar]
56
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,250
How'd he get out of the underworld?
57
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:22,125
The question is, how do you get him
back there?
58
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Remember, kid, watch his tail!
59
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:27,250
As a hero-in-training,
60
00:02:27,417 --> 00:02:30,166
I must ask you to return
to the shores of the River Styx
61
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,291
from which you escaped.
62
00:02:31,792 --> 00:02:33,083
And why is that?
63
00:02:33,166 --> 00:02:34,667
Um...
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Because you're a monster?
65
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:39,208
Oh! You eat a few hundred people, and
you're labeled for life?
66
00:02:39,375 --> 00:02:41,125
Oh, come on! They were just kids!
67
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[growls] Hyah!
68
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Aah! [grunts]
69
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-Stop splashin' me, boy!
-[thundering footsteps approaching]
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[Chiron] Memnon!
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Vile lackey of Hades!
72
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Chiron!
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Hard-nosed, hero-training horse-haunch!
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Putrid spawn of the underworld.
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Ooh, that's good.
76
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Can you write that in my copy?
77
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Ohh ho ho, sure!
78
00:03:03,709 --> 00:03:05,834
To the putrid Memnon,
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00:03:05,917 --> 00:03:07,625
keep on terrorizin'.
80
00:03:08,166 --> 00:03:10,083
Your good foe, Chiron.
81
00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:13,208
One of my best foes writes a scroll,
I have to have one.
82
00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:16,417
Oh, thanks, and one more for my daughter,
Memnona with an "a."
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00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,000
You're a peach!
84
00:03:18,083 --> 00:03:21,375
Ooh, let me know what you think
of our fight in chapter XII.
85
00:03:21,458 --> 00:03:24,208
Can't wait. The way you laid me out-- wow!
86
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You know, I'm still on light duty.
87
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:28,291
Hey, look me up the next time
88
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,083
you're in the bowels
of the abyss. I promise I'll eat ya.
89
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:33,667
Just kidding!
See you in the underworld! Ha ha ha ha!
90
00:03:33,750 --> 00:03:35,250
Ohh...
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00:03:35,333 --> 00:03:36,208
You OK, kid?
92
00:03:36,291 --> 00:03:37,917
[Chiron] Philoctetes!
93
00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:39,583
And Hercules...
94
00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:43,417
the little hero who couldn't! Heh heh ha!
95
00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:44,458
Hey, lay off the kid.
96
00:03:44,542 --> 00:03:46,125
Mark my words,
97
00:03:46,208 --> 00:03:48,125
he's gonna be the greatest!
98
00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:52,250
Hah! That's what you've said
about every one of your hero wannabes.
99
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,834
Someday they're gonna be
writing scrolls about Phil,
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00:03:54,917 --> 00:03:56,625
the greatest trainer there ever was.
101
00:03:57,041 --> 00:04:00,834
Oh, sure. I'll look for it
under fiction. Heh heh heh!
102
00:04:01,417 --> 00:04:04,583
[crowd laughing]
103
00:04:04,792 --> 00:04:06,458
Did you ever rescue a damsel?
104
00:04:06,542 --> 00:04:08,458
-Well, no.
-Slay a dragon?
105
00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:10,875
-No, but, I, uh--
-Blind a cyclops?
106
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,250
-Not as such.
-Teased a titan?
107
00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:15,041
Ooh! Shut up!
108
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:18,207
Face it, Phil,
if you've never been a hero,
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how can you teach a hero?
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Which I discuss in chapter VI...
111
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:24,625
"Those who can, do...
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Those who can't do... teach!"
113
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Yeah? Well...
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-You teach.
-From experience.
115
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Listen, bucko, I've got gut instinct!
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[chuckling] You've got the gut.
117
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-That much is true.
-[crowd laughing]
118
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Unh! Ah! Unh!
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Ohh!
120
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Ha! Not this time.
121
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Oof!
122
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,709
[Phil muttering]
123
00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:56,667
Phil, you're supposed to be coaching me.
124
00:04:56,875 --> 00:04:58,542
You're doin' fine.
125
00:04:58,625 --> 00:04:59,750
This is fine?
126
00:04:59,959 --> 00:05:02,709
Vision-deprivation training is not
for wimps.
127
00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:04,917
Come on, Phil, what's wrong?
128
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:09,291
Ooh, that-- that-- that oat-eater
thinks he's so great!
129
00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:13,041
[imitating Phil] Oy, this is one of
those midlife crises.
130
00:05:13,125 --> 00:05:15,125
Phil, come on.
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Don't let him get your goat,
uh, so to speak.
132
00:05:18,041 --> 00:05:20,792
OK, yeah, Chiron was a world-class hero,
133
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and now he's a really famous hero trainer,
134
00:05:24,375 --> 00:05:26,500
and, sure, technically,
135
00:05:26,582 --> 00:05:28,500
none of your guys ever went the distance.
136
00:05:30,166 --> 00:05:31,875
But it's not your fault.
137
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No one knows more about
being a hero than you.
138
00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:37,332
Hey.
139
00:05:37,417 --> 00:05:38,917
You know, you're right, rookie.
140
00:05:39,082 --> 00:05:41,834
I am? I mean, yeah!
You're darn--darn tootin'.
141
00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:44,625
Ha ha ha. Maybe we oughta switch,
you know.
142
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:46,041
I'll be the coach, and you be the hero.
143
00:05:46,417 --> 00:05:49,332
You know, with everything
I know, I could be a hero.
144
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,834
Hmm? Uh, it was a joke, Phil.
145
00:05:51,917 --> 00:05:54,417
No, no, no. It's time I do somethin'
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00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:57,166
instead of talk about it.
I just gotta find some action.
147
00:05:57,250 --> 00:06:00,208
And I know the best place to start.
148
00:06:00,291 --> 00:06:01,792
The want ads!
149
00:06:01,875 --> 00:06:05,875
"Wood nymph seeks satyr
for conversation and fun.
150
00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:07,041
No smokers."
151
00:06:07,125 --> 00:06:09,125
Hmm. For later.
152
00:06:10,083 --> 00:06:13,834
"Hero wanted to stop cyclops
from eating city council in Thebes."
153
00:06:13,917 --> 00:06:15,208
Hmm.
154
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:16,750
It was a joke, Phil.
155
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,834
-Really.
-Ooh, lookie here.
156
00:06:19,041 --> 00:06:20,834
"Atlantis City seeks hero
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00:06:20,917 --> 00:06:24,207
to sink sea serpent with
mile of living gullet."
158
00:06:24,291 --> 00:06:26,582
Ooh, sounds beautifully risky.
159
00:06:26,667 --> 00:06:29,041
[sighs] Look, if you're gonna do this,
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00:06:29,125 --> 00:06:30,500
start small.
161
00:06:30,582 --> 00:06:31,875
Uh, this is a good one.
162
00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:34,959
"Cockatrice terrorizing Eleusis.
163
00:06:35,041 --> 00:06:37,166
We're being egged to death."
164
00:06:37,250 --> 00:06:38,875
Come on, it's just a chicken.
165
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:43,082
Ah! There are no small foes,
just small heroes.
166
00:06:43,250 --> 00:06:45,500
Rule 186!
167
00:06:45,582 --> 00:06:46,917
You're right, kid!
168
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,500
Eleusis it is!
169
00:06:51,792 --> 00:06:52,959
"Hero Depot...
170
00:06:53,041 --> 00:06:54,875
Your Carnage Superstore."
171
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:56,500
Ooh, look at this!
172
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,625
One-stop hero shopping!
173
00:07:00,542 --> 00:07:02,250
What's this do? Ooh!
174
00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:03,625
Teaches you not to touch.
175
00:07:03,709 --> 00:07:04,667
Let's get one.
176
00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:13,125
Hmm.
177
00:07:13,208 --> 00:07:14,125
Not enough range.
178
00:07:15,166 --> 00:07:17,291
Nah. Too flimsy.
179
00:07:17,625 --> 00:07:18,959
Handle's not centered.
180
00:07:19,082 --> 00:07:21,834
Oh, look at this one! Cool!
181
00:07:37,542 --> 00:07:40,207
-[nervous laugh]
-Always check the safety.
182
00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:43,000
[woman] Shield, 29.95.
183
00:07:43,082 --> 00:07:45,500
Bludgeon buddy, 13.99.
184
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,709
Mmm. Hmm...
185
00:07:49,041 --> 00:07:51,500
Price check on the Spartan army knife!
186
00:07:51,582 --> 00:07:56,125
While we're waiting, I'll need to see
your hero's license.
187
00:07:56,291 --> 00:07:57,375
License?!
188
00:07:57,959 --> 00:07:59,959
Welcome to the Department of
Slaughter and Power,
189
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,125
how can I be of civil service today?
190
00:08:02,208 --> 00:08:04,333
What's this nonsense about a hero license?
191
00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,500
New city ordinance.
192
00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:08,709
Too many do-it-yourself
heroes are getting hurt.
193
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:10,250
We can't be responsible.
194
00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:12,250
Hey, I'm not just some yahoo, pal!
195
00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:15,250
I'm Philoctetes, trainer of heroes.
196
00:08:16,250 --> 00:08:19,500
Then you'll have no trouble passing
the license test.
197
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:20,959
Hmm.
198
00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:25,417
Mm-hmm, good, good.
199
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:26,582
Good. Oh, yes, very good.
200
00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:28,125
Wow! Most people miss that.
201
00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:31,041
Mm-hmm. Wow! A perfect score!
202
00:08:31,125 --> 00:08:32,542
You could teach this stuff.
203
00:08:32,917 --> 00:08:34,250
Tell me about it.
204
00:08:34,332 --> 00:08:36,500
You are now licensed.
205
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:39,875
And this is also good for a 20% discount
at Hero Depot.
206
00:08:39,959 --> 00:08:41,500
Now you tell me?!
207
00:08:41,582 --> 00:08:43,542
So... how do I look?
208
00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:44,834
Mmm...
209
00:08:44,917 --> 00:08:46,083
Mmm...
210
00:08:46,165 --> 00:08:48,208
You look, uh...
her-heroic.
211
00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:50,458
Thanks. Say, I got an itch
212
00:08:50,542 --> 00:08:52,750
in the middle of my back. Do you mind?
213
00:08:56,417 --> 00:08:58,000
Ooh, that's good.
214
00:08:58,083 --> 00:08:59,165
You know, Phil,
215
00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:01,166
you don't have to go through with this.
216
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:04,208
Pfft! Piece of baklava. It's a chicken!
217
00:09:04,375 --> 00:09:07,291
[chicken squawking]
218
00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,250
[Hercules] That's a big chicken.
219
00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:18,291
OK, you distract her,
220
00:09:18,375 --> 00:09:19,375
and I'll come up from behind.
221
00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:23,208
Kid, this is something
I have to do myself.
222
00:09:23,375 --> 00:09:26,625
But, Phil, this isn't
your average chicken.
223
00:09:26,709 --> 00:09:28,000
[squawks furiously]
224
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,625
Buk ah ha ha!
225
00:09:30,709 --> 00:09:31,750
Like I said.
226
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,375
I mean it. No help from you.
227
00:09:33,458 --> 00:09:34,625
Promise?
228
00:09:34,709 --> 00:09:35,750
But...
229
00:09:35,834 --> 00:09:37,834
[sighs] Promise.
230
00:09:41,917 --> 00:09:43,709
Incoming!
231
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:48,250
Bob, um, you sure this is the story
where Phil's a hero?
232
00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:50,875
[Bob] Uh... let me check my notes.
233
00:09:50,959 --> 00:09:53,375
-[paper shuffles]
-Yes, this is it.
234
00:09:53,542 --> 00:09:56,208
Honey, I don't see anything but pain
and heartbreak.
235
00:09:56,333 --> 00:09:59,500
Hold on, ladies. There's more wherethat came from.
236
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,333
[squawking]
237
00:10:02,458 --> 00:10:05,333
[Phil] Ow! Ow! Yeow!
238
00:10:10,959 --> 00:10:13,375
[low growling]
239
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:18,375
[cheering]
240
00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:23,458
[women gasp]
241
00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:28,250
Ow! Ooh!
242
00:10:31,041 --> 00:10:32,375
[squawking]
243
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,875
I think you did really, really well.
244
00:10:35,959 --> 00:10:38,875
I mean, you analyzed the situation,
created a game plan,
245
00:10:38,959 --> 00:10:42,083
followed through, and almost beat him.
246
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,375
I might as well admit it.
247
00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:45,458
I don't belong in the hero business.
248
00:10:45,542 --> 00:10:47,417
I'm gettin' out while
I still got my horns.
249
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,583
Ohh... thank Dad.
250
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:51,040
Let's go home and get back to training.
251
00:10:51,125 --> 00:10:52,333
Didn't you hear me?
252
00:10:52,417 --> 00:10:54,834
I'm giving the whole thing up!
253
00:10:54,917 --> 00:10:56,667
I'm resigning as your trainer.
254
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:58,250
What? But why?
255
00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:00,583
'Cause it's finally clear to me, kid.
256
00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:03,166
It was never my students who failed me.
257
00:11:03,417 --> 00:11:05,333
I failed them.
258
00:11:05,417 --> 00:11:07,000
You never failed me, Phil.
259
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:11,417
Not yet, but you could wind up as just
one more of my could've-beens.
260
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,792
[whines]
261
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,542
Get yourself a real trainer.
262
00:11:16,625 --> 00:11:19,166
But where will you go? What will you do?
263
00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:21,333
My uncle runs a spear company.
264
00:11:21,417 --> 00:11:23,834
He's always begging me to join
the family business.
265
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:27,333
Uh, I'm begging you to stay.
266
00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:29,917
Look, kid, I hate long good-byes,
267
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,834
so let's just make this short and sweet.
268
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:33,959
Go out there and make me proud.
269
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,583
You were my best.
270
00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:40,458
Phil, what will I do without you?
271
00:11:41,542 --> 00:11:42,834
[Icarus] OK. Maintain your footing.
272
00:11:42,917 --> 00:11:44,667
Keep your head in balance.
273
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:47,250
Juggle those swords. You got it, big guy!
274
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:48,583
Looking good, baby!
275
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,165
What does it say next?
276
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:52,333
Oh, this guy Chiron, he's tricky.
277
00:11:52,417 --> 00:11:54,208
He says-- ahem.
278
00:11:54,290 --> 00:11:55,208
"Don't you look stupid?
279
00:11:55,290 --> 00:11:56,959
A hero never follows advice blindly.
280
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,709
A hero thinks for himself.
281
00:11:59,125 --> 00:12:03,166
Thus, you will never be a hero."
282
00:12:03,375 --> 00:12:05,542
Ow! Ooh! Unh!
283
00:12:08,542 --> 00:12:11,250
Ow! Quit kiddin' around, Icarus.
284
00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:12,583
It doesn't say that.
285
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:14,917
Oh, well, it sure does!
286
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,458
It's right here in chapter six
287
00:12:17,542 --> 00:12:20,959
of the Why You'll NeverBe As Great As Me workbook.
288
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,208
Oh, what's the use?
289
00:12:23,291 --> 00:12:25,458
Hey, slow down!
290
00:12:25,542 --> 00:12:27,458
You're leaping ahead to chapter seven...
291
00:12:27,542 --> 00:12:29,208
"Defeat. Get used to it!"
292
00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:30,250
That book isn't gonna work.
293
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,290
I need a real trainer.
294
00:12:32,375 --> 00:12:34,417
Hey, come on!
295
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:37,165
We're gettin' there, buddy.
You're making progress.
296
00:12:37,250 --> 00:12:40,333
You see, you're here at "worthless."
297
00:12:40,417 --> 00:12:44,667
You wanna work your way up
all the way over here to...
298
00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:46,040
"mediocre."
299
00:12:46,125 --> 00:12:47,040
[neigh]
300
00:12:50,208 --> 00:12:51,583
[grunting]
301
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,333
Hello, ma'am.
302
00:12:58,417 --> 00:13:01,333
I represent the Satyr Spear Company,
303
00:13:01,417 --> 00:13:04,500
servicing the Tri-City State area
since the Bronze Age.
304
00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:06,583
Could I interest you in some weaponry?
305
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:08,500
No!
306
00:13:08,583 --> 00:13:11,000
You know, uh...
307
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:15,417
A comely minx like you needs to be able
to protect herself.
308
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,625
I can! Go away!
309
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:19,625
Aah! Aah!
310
00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:22,875
Grrr!
311
00:13:26,417 --> 00:13:29,375
[rattling]
312
00:13:31,959 --> 00:13:34,709
Please, ma'am, just a quick demo,
and I'll be on my way.
313
00:13:34,792 --> 00:13:36,875
[hissing]
314
00:13:36,959 --> 00:13:39,834
What a lovely home you have here.
315
00:13:39,917 --> 00:13:42,458
It's a sty! Don't snow me!
316
00:13:43,750 --> 00:13:46,583
This is our new spear, the Evicelady.
317
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:48,375
Compact, stylish, deadly.
318
00:13:48,458 --> 00:13:50,709
Made for today's woman on the go.
319
00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:53,709
Did ya ever see a cut that clean?
320
00:13:53,792 --> 00:13:55,625
Nice statue. Who is it?
321
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,375
The last salesman.
322
00:13:57,458 --> 00:13:58,458
Hmm.
323
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,375
Huh?
324
00:14:02,917 --> 00:14:04,166
[gasp]
325
00:14:06,166 --> 00:14:07,959
Aaaiiee!
326
00:14:08,375 --> 00:14:09,542
Aah!
327
00:14:11,625 --> 00:14:14,166
OK. A few rounds with the chiron
328
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,083
easy-to-assemble training buddy
329
00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:18,166
will put you back in the spirit, huh?
330
00:14:23,458 --> 00:14:24,792
[grunts]
331
00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:28,834
Ohh! Good form, buddy!
332
00:14:28,917 --> 00:14:30,208
That's, uh... nice hustle.
333
00:14:30,291 --> 00:14:32,083
Let's just, uh-- whoo!
334
00:14:32,165 --> 00:14:34,625
Let's work on defense, OK, buddy? Wake up.
335
00:14:34,709 --> 00:14:36,125
Wake up, buddy.
336
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,875
Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
337
00:14:40,375 --> 00:14:42,375
Hey, Achilles, allow me to introduce you
338
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,500
to the ultimate in home protection,
339
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:48,625
the spear so good it will make even you
look like a man.
340
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:51,333
Whoa!
341
00:14:57,250 --> 00:14:59,165
I'll never be a hero.
342
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:02,792
Oh, come on, Herc, it's not over yet.
343
00:15:02,875 --> 00:15:05,458
Chiron her says to, you know, it's...
344
00:15:05,542 --> 00:15:06,625
Ooh, it's over.
345
00:15:09,917 --> 00:15:12,625
-Where's Phil when I need him?
-[thud]
346
00:15:12,709 --> 00:15:14,625
You say you don't need a spear?
347
00:15:14,709 --> 00:15:16,917
My mother could kick your--
348
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:26,875
Hey, watch what you're--
349
00:15:27,291 --> 00:15:28,834
[reading]
350
00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:33,083
Now, that's good news.
351
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,834
It's a spear seller's dream.
352
00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:46,542
[low growling]
353
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:01,291
-It's coming!
-Aah! We're doomed!
354
00:16:01,375 --> 00:16:04,667
Did you turn off the dining room candle?
355
00:16:04,750 --> 00:16:06,667
Ooh! What a disaster area!
356
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:08,083
Like they say,
357
00:16:08,166 --> 00:16:10,125
location, location, location.
358
00:16:10,709 --> 00:16:12,458
We need a god to help us!
359
00:16:12,542 --> 00:16:14,333
We are defenseless!
360
00:16:14,417 --> 00:16:17,709
A spear! A spear! My hovel for a spear!
361
00:16:17,792 --> 00:16:19,208
Spears?
362
00:16:19,291 --> 00:16:20,250
Did I hear "spears"?
363
00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:22,333
Step right this way, pal.
I happen to have--
364
00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:24,875
Good, good. How much is this one?
365
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,333
The Puncture Pal 2000. A fine choice!
366
00:16:27,417 --> 00:16:30,417
Comes in a set of eight,
plus a handsome carrying case.
367
00:16:30,542 --> 00:16:31,625
I only want one!
368
00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:33,375
But wait. There's more.
369
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:34,959
Monogramming at half-price.
370
00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:36,500
I could have it back to you in a week.
371
00:16:36,625 --> 00:16:38,583
I'm under attack today!
372
00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:41,750
Look, pal, I'm trying
to work with you here.
373
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,208
Citizens! Citizens of Corinth!
374
00:16:44,290 --> 00:16:47,583
Please! Panic in an orderly fashion.
375
00:16:47,709 --> 00:16:49,250
Home fleers to the right,
376
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:52,250
looters and pillagers to the left.
377
00:16:53,290 --> 00:16:56,417
We've checked every city-state
in Phil's territory.
378
00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:58,709
Where is he?
379
00:16:58,792 --> 00:17:00,667
For the sake of all humanity,
380
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:02,417
somebody stop him!
381
00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:04,583
Stop him!
382
00:17:05,375 --> 00:17:06,709
A monster?
383
00:17:06,791 --> 00:17:09,500
No. That guy!
384
00:17:09,625 --> 00:17:13,083
But I didn't tell you
about our special offer!
385
00:17:13,165 --> 00:17:14,458
Free home delivery!
386
00:17:14,541 --> 00:17:16,458
Hey, Phil!
387
00:17:16,541 --> 00:17:18,416
Great to see you, too, kid.
388
00:17:18,541 --> 00:17:21,250
I want you back as my trainer. I need you.
389
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,040
Kid, like I already told you--
390
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,916
The catoblepas is here!
391
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,250
[screaming]
392
00:17:30,166 --> 00:17:32,208
[screaming] What did he say?
393
00:17:32,291 --> 00:17:34,375
The catoblepas!
394
00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:36,917
[growling]
395
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,291
[Phil] An ugly mug,
396
00:17:40,417 --> 00:17:43,959
bronze hide, and very bad breath.
397
00:17:44,125 --> 00:17:46,250
Yup. That's a catoblepas.
398
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:48,000
These people need a hero right now.
399
00:17:49,125 --> 00:17:50,417
Don't go anywhere, Phil.
400
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,291
I'll be right back.
401
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:54,208
Kid, you don't know
what you're up against.
402
00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:56,000
That's a catoblepas!
403
00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:57,417
You need a trainer.
404
00:17:57,542 --> 00:17:59,166
There's no way I'm ready for this,
405
00:17:59,291 --> 00:18:00,792
but I've got to try.
406
00:18:02,125 --> 00:18:04,458
Excuse me. Young man, are you a hero?
407
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,667
I'm a hero in training.
408
00:18:06,792 --> 00:18:08,166
Do you have a hero license?
409
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:11,375
Uh, no, but this is kind of an emergency,
410
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:12,667
don't you think?
411
00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:14,291
Tsk tsk tsk.
412
00:18:14,375 --> 00:18:16,583
Deadly chaos is no excuse
for breaking the law.
413
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,375
I'm issuing you a hero learner's permit.
414
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,959
No heroic acts after 5 p.m.
415
00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:24,291
You have precisely, in a few moments,
416
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,792
coming up now.
417
00:18:25,917 --> 00:18:27,166
Six minutes.
418
00:18:28,625 --> 00:18:30,834
Don't breathe near it,
and don't look it in the eyes.
419
00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:33,458
-Why not?
-Ask that guy.
420
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:42,542
[roaring]
421
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:46,917
[gulp]
422
00:18:57,458 --> 00:18:58,959
Phil!
423
00:18:59,041 --> 00:19:00,959
A little help here, Phil!
424
00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:04,291
Ah, the kid's right.
He needs a trainer, and I'm it.
425
00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:06,166
Kid, if you're Hades-bent on doing this,
426
00:19:06,291 --> 00:19:08,709
do it right. Here.
427
00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:10,083
I can't see.
428
00:19:10,208 --> 00:19:11,417
That's the idea.
429
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,792
You gotta rely on your other senses.
430
00:19:13,875 --> 00:19:16,375
Vision deprivation training, remember?
431
00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:17,959
We never got around to that.
432
00:19:18,041 --> 00:19:19,792
We're gettin' to it now!
433
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:28,583
Steady, kid!
434
00:19:30,458 --> 00:19:31,333
[growls]
435
00:19:31,417 --> 00:19:32,542
Where is it?
436
00:19:32,625 --> 00:19:34,041
Listen for it!
437
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,875
[Phil] Let your ears be your eyes.
438
00:19:42,959 --> 00:19:45,458
[Hercules] My ears?!
439
00:19:45,542 --> 00:19:47,709
Yes, which means less mouth!
440
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:54,125
Tuck and roll!
441
00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:01,041
Ears to the ground!
442
00:20:03,917 --> 00:20:05,375
Get into his blind spot!
443
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,959
His blind spot?!
444
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:10,667
Aah!
445
00:20:16,709 --> 00:20:18,750
Can't look at me now, can you?
446
00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:35,125
The lake! Kid, take him for a dip!
447
00:20:35,208 --> 00:20:38,417
With that bronze hide,
he'll sink like a stone!
448
00:20:38,583 --> 00:20:39,583
Gotcha!
449
00:21:02,917 --> 00:21:04,834
Kid! Kid!
450
00:21:04,917 --> 00:21:07,625
[coughing]
451
00:21:08,125 --> 00:21:09,750
[panting]
452
00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:11,041
Ohhh!
453
00:21:11,166 --> 00:21:12,959
Oh, way to go, kid!
454
00:21:13,125 --> 00:21:15,917
May that beast rust in peace!
455
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,041
Thank you!
456
00:21:17,125 --> 00:21:18,917
Oh, thank you, Hercules.
457
00:21:19,041 --> 00:21:21,500
You saved us. You're my hero.
458
00:21:21,625 --> 00:21:23,500
You mean we are heroes.
459
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,583
Ah, come on, cut it out, kid.
460
00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:26,792
I'm no hero.
461
00:21:26,917 --> 00:21:28,125
Yes, you are.
462
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:30,083
I couldn't have done this without you.
463
00:21:30,166 --> 00:21:32,083
That makes you my hero.
464
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:36,458
Well, thanks, but I was
just getting the hang of being a salesman.
465
00:21:36,583 --> 00:21:39,166
Yeah, and one more sales pitch,
466
00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:41,000
and we were going to hang you!
467
00:21:41,083 --> 00:21:42,625
Uh, you heard the kid.
468
00:21:42,750 --> 00:21:44,917
I'm with him. Heroes, party of two.
469
00:21:46,417 --> 00:21:48,500
Let's hear it for Phil!
470
00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:50,709
[all] Hip hip, hero!
471
00:21:50,792 --> 00:21:52,166
Hip hip, hero!
472
00:21:52,291 --> 00:21:54,208
Hip hip, hero!
473
00:21:54,291 --> 00:21:57,208
[Bob] And that's how Philoctetesgot to be a hero.
474
00:21:57,333 --> 00:22:00,792
Uh, Bob, before we go,
could you do one thing?
475
00:22:00,917 --> 00:22:03,041
-What's that?
-Do that statue trick again.
476
00:22:03,166 --> 00:22:05,625
Sure! Why not?
477
00:22:06,333 --> 00:22:07,208
[crashes]
478
00:22:11,208 --> 00:22:13,125
We won't tell anybody if you don't.
479
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:15,000
[Bob] You kidding? I wasn't even here.
480
00:22:18,875 --> 00:22:22,625
[theme music playing]
32817
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