Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

Hang onto your flame, boss.

You are in for a big surprise.

Welcome to the Underworld

Research and Development department.

[speaking French] Après vous.

Mm-hmm.

[in English]

So why wasn't I told about this place?

Plausible deniability, sir.

Ta-da! What we have here

will blow the lid

off the whole god squad.

A box. Pandora's?

Ba-da-bing.

And... what?

[Hades] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

It's a...

well, it's a...

Rock!

You dragged me into your secret lab

to look at a lump.

Check it out!

Oy. Uh...

Hello. What's goin' on?

I didn't order decaf.

What happened? Hello!

OK. That got my attention.

I'm down but I'm up. Ba-da-bing.

You know what I mean? What is it?

[both] The Kronos Stone!

♪ Back when kronos was

King of the universe ♪

♪ He hocked up a rock

And gave it a curse ♪

♪ And now any god

That gives it a peek ♪

♪ Slips into a permanent

Beauty sleep ♪

♪ Yeah, they drift away

To the great unknown ♪

♪ When they take a little peeky

At the Kronos Stone ♪

♪ Don't need to count no sheep there ♪

♪ It's a sleepy zone ♪

♪ When you sneak a little peeky

At the Kronos Stone ♪

That's fine. Good.

♪ You feel a little freaky

By the Kronos Stone ♪

♪ Are your knees a little weaky

Round the Kronos Stone? ♪

I got it!

Enough with the song and dance.

Thank you. Very nice.

Not sure how to use it, exactly,

but it's got potential.

Yes, OK, good. Boys, boys...

You're gonna find

a little something extra

in your paycheck this week.

-Hoo-hoo!

-Yeah!

Uh, have you ever gotten a paycheck?

I think I'm on direct deposit.

Next up, Artemis, our beloved goddess

of the wild things,

proposes that we restrict

temple offerings

to fruits and vegetables.

Hey, she could do whatever she wants

in the temple of touchy-feely,

but I'm stickin' with chop

and rump roast.

Can't fight a war

on celery sticks and tofu.

[Zeus] We'll come back to that one.

Hermes, anything left on the agenda?

Uh, just a kinky little thing

called the festival of Mnemosyne,

AKA the Mnemmys?

Oh, not another festival.

I'm getting tribute fatigue.

Uh, FYI, your supremeness,

it's a drama festival dedicated

to Mnemosyne, the mother of the muses.

A drama festival?

Ho ho! Why didn't you say so?

These plays honor a certain group of

immortal cats we all know.

[Hades] Lemme see that!

Uh...

[mumbles]

Yeah, right. Well, good.

That's right.

Every god except for the one who's got

a real story to tell,

Namely-- hello! Yours truly. Hello!

Hah! A play about you, Hades?

Oh, that's rich! Ha!

Ha ha. I fail to see the humor.

Come on, now, little brother.

We all know the lord of the underworld

Is not exactly Mr. Popularity.

No offense.

None taken. Ho ho ho.

Son of Kronos.

So, Hermes, who's putting on

this little extravaganza?

The Athenians?

Eggheads! All talk, no action.

Actually, home base

for our supertroopers

is the Prometheus Academy.

A school play? Snore!

[Zeus] It just so happens

my boy goes to pro-ac!

I'll bet he's the star!

Right you are, sir.

The New Zeus Revue starring Hercules.

And I think we have a clip.

Dynamite! Hah!

Roll it.

[Hercules] I am sure it's of no use...

To incur the wrath of Zeus.

As I-- as I am just and I am fair...

Evildoers must beware.

[Hercules] If I find your ho--

your homage lacking...

[chorus] You're sure to get

a monstro whacking.

So do pay heed before too long.

Six million Greeks can't all be wrong.

Yes. Well, well, you know...

Fantastic!

Unbelievable!

Bro, look, that's just a rehearsal.

You gotta factor in lights,

music, costumes!

I smell it! I smell... A smasharoo!

Really? You think?

Trust me.

The critics thumbs will be, like,

stuck up!

We're talkin' must-see Hercules.

No god would dare miss it.

Am I right?

Outstanding! Hah!

So, I will see you all there?

-Uh, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

Uh, sure, sure. We'll be there.

Yeah.

Sure, mm-hmm.

Looking forward to it.

Yeah. Looking forward to it.

Sold out! S.R.O.!

Perfect.

Yeah! Lovely rehearsal, Hercules,

in a grueling, amateur way.

Now, let's see now.

Next is, uh, Icarus,

Perennial Also-ran.

[Icarus] Ha! OK! All right.

Sure, I've entered the Mnemmys

every year since I was five,

Mr. Parentheses.

Sure, I've lost every time,

and sure, a lesser man

might lose hope,

but like the great flaming phoenix,

I will rise! OK.

Very, very inspiring...

to someone somewhere, no doubt.

So what play are you gonna do?

Still conceptualizing.

Icarus, you're running out of time.

Well, I'm working it out.

Gonna be good.

OK, well, good luck.

Don't need it.

Don't worry about me, buddy.

Ohh! Muses of the arts,

I, oh, so humbly turn

to you for inspiration.

Please...

Please guide me to a play

that'll win me the Mnemmy!

I'd be really grateful!

Really, really-- aah!

Whoa.

You're not a muse.

Name's Hades, lord of the dead,

and I'm here to help.

Hades? Oh, well, that's just great!

Oh, fate is a cruel jester.

Now on the verge

of my greatest triumph,

you have come to shuffle me off

this mortal coil.

Help, you say?

Look, [clears throat]

you need to play a god.

I wanna have my story told.

It's a match made in...

Well, you know.

Yeah. Well, it's just that nobody's

really ever done a play about you.

I mean, you're not exactly

Mr. Popularity.

Oversharing. Ha ha ha.

Yeah, I know. My ears

are always burning.

But, hey, the point is,

it's the rule breakers,

it's the avant garde, if you will,

who always win those awards.

Hmm. Well,

villains are the juiciest roles.

But I'm an actor.

I will need to get inside your head,

learn what you're about,

how you feel, what you eat.

I mean, I'm talking

total access here, buddy.

Hey, my afterlife's an open book,

you know what I mean?

Come on, let's blow this peanut stand.

What do you say?

He distinctly said, "Good job, guys."

Yeah.

[whimpers]

Like he cares.

Welcome back, boss! Oh...

We just kept right on

doing our good job

while you were gone, sir.

So when do we get to use

the you know what on-- Oww!

[Hades] Pain?

A little.

Say hello to our guest.

Hiya!

He doesn't look very,

uh, um, you know.

Deceased.

Far from it, boys. Far from it!

This promising young thespian

is Icarus.

At the drama festival,

he'll be playing the role of-- ha ha.

Ahem... me.

That's right. Ick's my name,

schtick's, my game.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

Ooh! How was that, huh?

Suitably sleazy?

Hey, little acorn, you're gonna be

a heck of an oak!

Oh, mama, I can taste my Mnemmy!

So what are we waiting for?

Time to make you a star!

Aarrgh!

Now, see, when you're

roasting minions,

you gotta really lose yourself.

Your arms extended, head thrown back,

a lot of booga booga, you know?

Then you just flame on.

Watch this. They love this.

Like so. OK, ready?

Aaarrgh!

OK, boom, poof! Here's the deal.

The underworld's the pits, right?

But I'm like up the river styx

without a paddle,

You know what I'm sayin'?

I mean, give me a flamin' break!

Dead souls check in,

but they don't check out.

I got the concept!

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom,

ba-da-bing, ba-da-bing!

I'm still working on it.

OK, good. Acting school's out.

Take him back, boys.

Ba-da-bing... what a--

Do I sound like that?

[Pain] I don't get it.

Yeah. What about all of our good work?

Don't panic, Panic, OK?

You can't just

walk up to Zeus and say,

"Hey, here's the Kronos Stone.

Take a big nap."

You can't?

Try to stay with me here.

Because Zeus' precious little Jerkules

is in this drama festival,

Hey, all the other gods

will be there, OK?

OK.

OK, so, actors

wear masks onstage, huh?

Yeah, uh-huh.

You see where I'm going

with this, right?

[both] Yeah!

[both] No.

No. OK, fine. Oy.

Look, you carve the stone into a mask.

That pain in my flame kid

wears the mask onstage.

As my play unfolds,

all the gods go sleepy-bye!

[snore]

OK? You got it?

-Yeah!

-Oh, yes!

-Bravo!

-Nice plan!

Love it!

Hey, see?

By the time the reviews are in,

I'll be movin' on up!

Huh! Finally gettin'

my piece of the sky.

[Cassandra] Isn't today lima beans?

All vegetables were

offered to the gods this morning.

Mutton loaf?

Yeah. Um, thanks just the same.

Hey, um, cassandra,

Have you noticed anything different

about Icarus?

A comprehensive list could take weeks.

Sweetheart, you look fantabulous.

What are you, some kind

of cheerleader?

Nice. Name's Icarus, lord of the--

Well, nothing currently,

But I'm in a training program.

Hmm. I honor you

with my august presence,

and you give me mutton loaf?

Memo to me, pox on all

food service workers.

No, I mean, something

more different than usual.

Baby doll! How'd you like to flirt

with danger, huh?

I have been a very bad boy.

Eww!

See what I mean?

And I thought he was creepy before.

Remember, it not only

has to look like Hades,

It's gotta capture

the, the, the, the...

The inner essence of Hades.

What do you think, huh?

Hmm...

Keep chiseling.

Icarus, I'm worried about you.

I mean, I know you're doing Hades

in the play and all,

But you don't have to be like him...

24/7? It's called acting, Jerkules.

That's what I mean.

You never called me "Jerkules" before.

Oh, I'm sorry, boo-boo.

No, that's not me talking.

That's my character.

Yeah, well, your character's

gonna get socked in the jaw.

Hey, hey, can I help it

if my mimicry skills are dead on?

Or undead, as the case may be, huh?

Hey, wait a minute.

How are you mimicking Hades?

I infer. I imagine. I speculate.

Oh, plus, he's had me down

to the big basement

to watch him in action.

What? Icarus,

we're talking about Hades!

He's evil!

Actors don't judge.

We observe. We internalize.

We emote.

Then I guess I'm no actor.

Well, your previews

have been a little tepid.

Ah... Hades must be up to something.

Wait a minute!

You're playing Zeus, right?

Yeah, so?

Whoa! I get it!

Oh, you're tricky! You're tricky, man!

You're getting into character, right?

Zeus always wants Hades to lose, huh?

Good job!

We'll make an actor out of you yet.

Icarus, wait. I'm not acting.

I think something's wrong.

Sure thing, Zeus.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I got business in the underworld.

Boom! Later, big bro.

Ahhh!

Ah, the kid with the sunstroke

is playing the role perfectly!

Ah. He's gonna slay 'em

on opening night.

Ooh! Nice!

You boys are on a roll.

Aw, thanks, boss.

Time to see this puppy in action.

[man] Nectar here! Get your nectar!

Who's ready? Nectar!

Things go better with nectar!

Get your ice-cold nectar!

[Ares] Yo, nectar!

Pass it on up!

[Hermes] 'Scuse me, folks.

Supreme beings coming through.

'Scuse me. Pardon me.

Enjoy the show, folks.

Thank you, Hermes.

Hey, where's Hades?

I thought we all had to be here.

Aw, that big baby's

probably still upset

that nobody's doing his story.

You know, sometimes things look better

from the cheap seats

Way, way up here.

Adonis, you're an 11-time

Mnemmy award winner.

How does it feel?

Of course it's an honor

just to be nominated,

But as you know, Homer,

with me, it's always about the work.

Any recognition I get is just gravy.

But I do like gravy.

Please! Please, everyone!

Settle down!

I'll do the panicking,

thank you.

Now, where is that Icarus?

He's the opening act.

Wh-where's Hades? I mean,

he's gonna be here, right?

He'd love to,

but you know how he is.

The lord of the dead's

work is never done,

but he sent this gift for good luck.

Oh, man! I'm, like,

all choked up here.

Hey, what's this made of?

-[music plays]

-Funny you should ask.

Uh-oh.

We don't know.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

Ladies and gentlemen,

dwellers of the nether regions,

Hades is in the house!

How's my hair?

Uh, we better go.

Knock 'em dead.

Figure of speech, of course.

Yeah. Send 'em all into an eternal,

deathless slumber.

More figures of speech.

Ah, Icarus! You're due to go on!

Sadly for us all.

The kid's going on.

It won't be long now.

Oh, I bet the view

from olympus is sweet.

Oof!

Ow! Hey!

[both] Uh-oh.

What are you two doing here?

Just a couple of drama lovers.

Yeah. The, uh, play's the thing?

Good evening. Welcome, all,

to the Prometheus Academy's

Festival of Mnemosyne,

the mother of all muses.

In honor of our distinguished,

to understate wildly,

Pantheon of guests--

Please don't smite me--

I make this humble offering.

Ugh! Again with the broccoli?

Yo, pal! Make mine mutton!

Aw, is that an elbow or a knee?

I don't wanna look.

What are you up to?

I'd tell ya, but I'd be...

A lion.

Grrrr!

Grrr. Ah.

Like stop fishing for info, Jerkules.

[gasping]

Huh?

Stop badgering us.

Oww!

Grrr.

Oww!

-Aah!

-Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

[hissing]

Rats! Good one.

[knuckles crack]

Icarus--

Not now, Zeussy. I'm trying

to awaken my personal demon.

I just saw Hades' personal demons,

and I'm not Zeus!

Ah.

Hey!

My leg fell asleep.

Well, you oughta get that

checked, bigsy.

Now I have to get into character.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing,

ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

I'd like to introduce our

first performer, Icarus...

in his one-man show--

Remember, no smiting--

Give him heck, Hades.

Yes! Showtime!

A play about Hades, ha.

Leave it to that kid

who flew too close to the sun.

To be evil, or not to be evil...

that is the question.

It's a no-brainer, evil, ba-da-bing.

If I'm lying, I'm dying.

Dying! Get it?

-[snoring] Oh!

-[snoring] Oh! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Kid's good. Just like

my little brother.

Oy, this is worse than I expected,

which was abysmal.

He's putting the gods to sleep.

OK, all right.

Did you hear the one

about the three dead guys

who won the lottery?

Boy, were they lucky stiffs!

Ha, stiffs!

Deh, did you get it?

No...

Ah, yes, eyes closed,

breathing shallow.

Yes! Eternal sleep, ho!

Oh... Icarus isn't that boring.

And why isn't his acting coach

in the gods' balcony?

Cue, cue, get out there.

And cue the lords

of the dancing waters.

The gods are falling asleep,

my leg fell asleep

when I got near him,

must be because I'm part god.

Ah, think. Think. What, did Pain

or Panic give him something?

The mask!

Go on, go on, get out of here.

That's just rude.

[clears throat]

Now, as I was saying...

Hades, it is I...

Your brother Zeus.

Hey, there he is.

Uh, everybody, there's my boy.

[all yawning]

Well, OK...

Make it snappy, Zeusaphone.

I'm connecting with the people here.

Uh, Hades, I know that

we've had our differences in the past,

but you've really gotta

listen to me this time.

That mask you wear is cursed, uh,

little brother.

Look out at the balcony.

You're putting the gods to sleep,

and I fear it may be one from which

they'll never wake.

Take off the mask.

Step out from behind the mask

and show the world just--

Just how big a god you really are.

Hey, how do I know

this isn't another one

of your Olympian tricks, Zeus?

Trust me. If you win,

it means Olympus will lose,

Big time.

[sighs]

[Zeus] No! No! No!

The curse was almost down!

Su--

[all moan]

Attaboy, son! Ah, that's my boy!

Star of the show, you know, ha ha ha.

And the Mnemmy goes to--

good gracious--

Icarus and Hercules

for their daring take

on sibling rivalry.

[gasps]

And for saving everyone's bacon.

Oh! OK! I'd like to thank everyone

who voted to give me this award,

but I can't accept it.

[audience gasps]

[Icaurs]

No. Acting is not about awards.

Oh, no. It's about the work.

Thank you, but no, thank you.

Who am I kidding?

Come on! This is the happiest day

of my life!

Herc, I love you, man. Mm-mwa.

Yecch.

Cassandra, come on, honey,

come on down here, be with me, OK?

[audience] Aw...

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you.

Mm-hmm, you like me!

[audience cheers]

You really like me!

Good night, everybody!

Good night.

Hah! Bravo, son!

Ouch! That's gonna hurt.

I, uh, I hope this doesn't put

a damper on the good job we're doing.

[Pain] Now, about those paychecks--

forget it!

Uh, we're just do-- forget it!

Ahem. Hello...

[nervous laugh]

How about a dental program, though?

[rumbles]

[theme music playing]