Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

All right, bowling rule number one--

Keep your eye on the pins.

Not a problem when one is

keen of sight as I am.

Stee-rike!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, whoa!

[chuckles]

[raspberry] Lucky roll.

I heard that.

Hey?

[chuckles]

OK, Nester's got the eyes,

and Mel has the ears,

but Herc's got the power! Right, kid?

Doh!

Someone's not clear on the whole bowling

and bonding concept.

Stinkin' scroll worm.

Kid, you're embarrassing me.

Huh? Oh, sorry.

I'm reading the latest scroll by Odysseus.

Man, is he cunning.

Cunning hero, lousy bowler.

You guys know Odysseus?

Know him? He owes me 20 drachma, the bum.

Hey, are we going to yak,

or are we going to bowl?

You're up, kid.

[sighs] OK, concentrate.

[Phil] Tuck in the chicken wing!

Shh!

Keep the elbow straight and... [strains]

Ha, do I get bonus points

for taking the wall down?

Phil, your boy's got to learn

to control himself.

[burps] Like me.

Uh-oh. Oh!

Snack run!

Yippee! Yippee!

Herc, there's more to bowling

than strength.

It takes finesse.

Right, right, I got it, Phil.

[whistles]

Mmm.

Hello.

You new here?

Huh?

The regular girl couldn't make it.

[mumbling]

[bones crunching]

Give me some calamara olives.

They're big and black...

like your eyes, huh?

Speaking of eyes...

-yours are incredible.

-Oh!

And your ears.

Whew!

Yeah, name's Meliager.

I can hear a flea sneeze at 50 hectares.

[beeping]

And right now, I can hear

the flapping of wings.

Birds?

No.

Insects?

No.

Whatever it is sounds very--

Flying wolves, perhaps?

That's it. How did you know?

They're with me.

Support staff, if you will.

Proud to serve.

[groaning]

Whoa, sounds like there's somebody

who bowls worse than you.

Hey, you're that witch!

Hecate.

Aah!

[pins fall]

Hey.

Hey, at least I got the pins this time.

[men yelling]

Let's go home.

[groaning]

-Huh?

-Huh?

It's an honor to present

this golden sundial

to one tough trooper...

Mentor.

You think I'm too old? Think again.

Come on, you scrawny runts.

Who thinks they can take me?

I do.

Ha ha. Me, too.

Is this some kind of joke?

Negative, sir.

Those mangy coyotes look like

they mean business.

Take 'em down, troopers!

[growls]

Hey!

[grunting]

Block the exits, men.

They got Mentor!

[groans]

Get 'em! You big fat bums!

Mentor!

Let's see...

It's around here someplace.

Forget it. Let's go.

Ha, here it is!

[Chipacles crying]

I failed you, sir.

I'm not fit to shine your sandals.

-[Hercules] Hello?

-Huh?

Uh, city state trooper Chipacles.

Do you remember me?

Buzz off, punk. I got no time--

Well, well, if it isn't the goat man.

What did they bring you in for

this time, Mr. Phil?

I don't have to

take that from you, flatfoot!

What--what Phil means to say

is that we're here to report a crime.

I got no time for your

petty problems, punk!

A heroic peace officer has been kidnapped.

You see? Let's go.

But we're also here to

report kidnapped heroes.

[Chipacles] Hold it!

I want to hear every word of your story

from the beginning.

Oh, please, a hulking creature

crafted of magical marble

and reinforced bronze?

Yeah, what witch hasn't

made one of those, huh?

Mine is special.

He's just needy.

But then, that's why you're here.

Huh? [screams]

[groaning]

I feel terrible.

Huh? Huh? I didn't hear what you said.

[Hecate] The vision of Nester

and the hearing of Meliager.

Now, these are the qualities that

make a monster!

-Mmm. Mmm!

-[Hecate] What is it, boy?

You hear something?

Mmm!

It's my loyal imp, you say,

and they've got another hero?

Mm-hmm.

Yes, mother knows.

[mumbling]

Let me go, hairball!

Well, I'll say one thing for the old coot,

he is tough.

A lengthy career in civil service

will do that to you.

That's right, flea bag!

And I was about to get my golden sundial

for that lengthy career.

You people owe me one golden sundial.

After all those years...

the best they could do

is a golden sundial?

[sighs] I can relate.

Years of service in the cause

of immortal evil

and this is all I get!

Poor Hecate.

Yeah, I know who you are,

and I know your sob story.

Why can't I run the underworld?

Huh? Huh? I can't hear him.

What did he say?

He's mocking her and her life's ambition.

Ooh, he's tough.

Cry me a river Styx, lady.

You want to get ahead in the underworld?

You gotta get tough!

Can do.

[groans]

That takes care of toughness.

Boo.

Aah!

D-don't hurt me, please!

I think my creature is really coming

into his own.

Your objective of underworld takeover

is inevitable now.

As if there was ever really any doubt.

[evil laughter]

[Chipacles] Mentor...

Nester...

Meliager...

All heroes...

All gone.

Question--

Who's behind it?

Um, those winged wolves that got Mentor

work for Hecate.

The witch!

You're talking underworld.

And to make a case like that stick,

you need proof.

Isn't that your job?

Don't push me, goat man.

Uh, Phil, you know that

new scroll by Odysseus?

The one you can't keep

your nose out of? Yeah.

Odysseus is in Athens

for a scroll signing tour.

Kid, he's one of my former students.

If you want an autograph,

I'll get you one,

but let's keep our minds

on the disappearing heroes, OK?

No, Phil, if you were kidnapping heroes,

would pass up a chance to get Odysseus?

[gasp] He could be next.

Let's roll!

[people yelling]

Don't panic, people. Take cover!

I'm guessing you're not here

to get an autograph.

Aren't you the clever one?

I prefer cunning.

Either way, you're mine.

Whoa!

Ha ha. How do you like that, Hecate?

Yeah, yeah, real cunning.

Capture him already!

Oh, yeah, they're here all right.

I can smell 'em.

Huh!

Magic show's over, witch.

I'm shutting you down.

[all gasp]

[growl]

[gasps]

[grunting]

Oh!

[gasps]

[groans]

Toodles.

Oh.

Kid, being a hero is a lot like bowling.

You gotta use more than just strength.

So, what's your plan?

Who in one is as cunning as Odysseus

which I now am,

one thinks on one's feet.

Tell you what, I'll break down that door

and then use all my powers

to defeat Hades, huh?

I approve.

[grunting]

Come on, this is the easy part.

[groans]

"Eyes like an eagle...

Tough as nails."

Wait a minute.

Tear this apart.

[growls]

[Hecate] How could I have missed it?

It's perfectly understandable.

You've been so busy lately.

My creature needs strength!

[crowd murmuring]

And now, Athens' favorite daytime host...

Merv Griffin.

Hey, thank you, thank you.

Wow, what a terrific group!

You know, Athens' audiences

are the greatest audiences

in the known world.

This idea of yours better work.

Hey, the one thing she doesn't have

is strength,

which happens to be something Herc's got

in spades.

[audience cheering]

Our first guess is the son of Zeus,

but he was raised by mortals.

Now, we're going to be

talking about that--

Heroism, his amazing strength,

and a lot, lot more.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Hercules.

[applause]

One super strong hero...

as advertised.

Hercules, you know, suddenly,

all of Athens is talking about

your heroic displays of strength.

But it seems like you came out of nowhere,

like an overnight sensation.

[Hercules] Well, Merv,

it's taken me 16 years

to become an overnight sensation.

[chuckles]

Yeah, but come on now,

really, what's it like to be a demigod?

I mean, half god and half man.

Well, it's not half bad. [chuckles]

[chuckles] That's a good one, Herc.

Wow. Now, let's go to

the audience out here.

Who's got a question for our guest?

Oh, are you married?

And if not, how do you feel about

dating older women?

[chuckles]

Ha, um--

Well, dear, if it doesn't work out,

I'd be happy to step in.

Though I doubt I could keep up with you.

Ok, the young fellow right over here.

Merv, we want to see

some feats of strength.

Ha, no problem.

Ooh! Wow!

Hey, that's strong.

Naw, I mean, like, an extreme display

of freakish strength.

[man] Wow! Well, hey!

You see, the trick is

to lift from the knees.

[grunts]

My friend here wants to be

as strong as you.

Heh... sorry. I was born this way.

Gee, my friend wasn't born. I made him.

You think that matters?

That's her! That's her!

Move in, men!

[crowd gasps]

[growls]

[grunting]

[groaning]

[crowd screams]

Ugh! Can't... hold the... building...

[groans]

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Ooh, that looked painful.

Well, you seem like a nice young man,

and we wanna thank you for coming.

[groaning]

What a tragedy.

What a show! Hey, we'll be right back!

[Nester] Mousaka... again?

I can't take it, man!

I gotta get out of here!

What'd he say? Huh?

Somebody hold me.

[groan] Time's running out...

and we're the only ones

who can stop Hecate.

Mr. Odysseus, you must have a plan.

Hmm... well, we could politely ask them

to let us go.

[whimpering]

Oh, who am I kidding?

I haven't got a clue!

Did somebody here order a bust-out?

Hey, Phil, you found us!

The old-fashioned way--

Through solid police investigation.

He means we followed you.

Mentor, sir, are you all right?

Stay back! Don't come any closer.

I want that witch.

Hey, no problem.

You're talking to the greatest heroes

in all of Greece.

Huh? I didn't catch that last part.

Used to be the greatest.

I'm damaged goods now.

But Hecate only took one thing

from each of us.

So we're still heroes, right, Phil?

Uh, sure, kid. I mean,

that makes sense on paper.

Er... in combat conditions

against a monster, er...

Let's go!

You sure come down here a lot

for someone who's not dead.

Well, I'm a hero--

Well, in training--

So I go wherever the battle takes me,

even the underworld.

Then may I suggest our multiple

fare discount ticket?

Saves time and money.

No, thanks.

We also have a frequent-dyer program.

Gaaah! Ohh...

I'm this close to winning the cruise.

OK, junior, how do you plan on stopping

Hecate and that creature?

We show them that Odysseus

isn't the only one who can be cunning.

Nester, what's the worst thing about

incredible eyesight?

Bright lights. Hate 'em!

Oh, I think I see where you're going

with this.

Where?

Hmm... looks like Hades is out and about.

Always the same story-- Hurry up and wait.

[Hercules] The wait's over, Hecate!

Well, look who's here-- the former heroes.

Take care of 'em.

But that would be like wiping out

a part of myself.

Oh, well. No big deal.

[Nester] Hey, big eyes!

Yaah!

Hey, how do you like

the big ears now, huh?

Dee-yaagh!

[whimpers]

Gaah! Ooh! Ohh! Yii!

Ha ha! Guess you're not the only one

who's cunning, huh?

Don't get too smug, weakling.

As soon as I get out of this, I'll--

Uhh! Yuhh...

Get up. Come on. Let's go.

Rise and shine. Let's go.

Yo! Marblehead!

Well, that tears it!

I might not be able to stop Hades,

but I most certainly

can do away with you all!

Whoa! Well!

Well, well!

Isn't this an interesting little tableau?

So, anybody wanna tell me

what's happening here, hmm?

Don't be shy now. Come on...

Speak up. Let's get it off our chest.

Hecate! Dollface, babe, what gives?

Come on, talk to me... Like, now!

Uh, well, there's really

a simple explanation.

Ho, ho, Hecate. She's just being modest.

Somebody stole our heroic traits

and put them into this creature

so he could defeat you.

As soon as I got wind of the plan,

I rushed down to stop it.

Hence the wreckage around you.

[Hercules] So, now Hecate's going to

magically transfer

our powers back to us.

Isn't that right, Hecate?

What can I say? I'm touched. I'm...

This is like another side of you

I'm seeing. I'm touched.

Well, the underworld is my life...

so to speak.

My life! That's a... good one!

Hey, uh, don't go away.

Make us whole again,

or I spill the beans to Hades.

Very cunning. You've got her

between a rock and a, um...

Uh... something.

Nice work, kid.

Hey, there's more to being a hero than

just strength, right?

Just a small token of my appreciation.

Love you. Mean it.

Call me every 10 minutes.

I've got just the place for it.

Fall over right now,

or I'm coming down there

to teach you a lesson you'll never forget!

Now, that's tough.

Uh, listen, goat man,

maybe I had you figured wrong.

You and the kid, well, you did good.

Ah, you, too. Truce?

Nice strike, sir.

Touch me again,

and I'll pound you so flat,

you'll have to look up to look down.

Come on, Herc.

The kid's on his way to becoming

a well-rounded hero.

His bowling, on the other hand,

definitely needs work.

Hey, you guys have been a great audience.

I'm gonna be back tomorrow,

and we've got more excitement for you.

Aries is gonna be here,

and of course, Salome,

with only six of her veils.

we'll find the seventh.

See you all tomorrow. Bye!

[cheers and applause]

[groans]

[theme music playing]