Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[narrator] Long, long ago,

in ancient, ancient Greece,

elemental chaos ruled the earth.

It was the dark age of the Titans.

The mighty Zeus himself stepped up

and stopped the pandemonium.

Safely imprisoned beneath the deepest sea,

the Titans ruled no more.

Gods and mortals alike rejoiced.

Everyone was happy.

Well, almost everyone.

Comrades! The noble Titans

have been captive too long.

We demand their freedom!

[all] Yes!

Today we bring the usurper Zeus

to his 60-cubit-high knees!

[all] Yes!

Today Zeus shall know and fear

the people's organization

of titanic liberators!

[all] Yes!

For today, we target

the Prometheus Academy,

for it is there

we shall seize the usurper's

own flesh and blood--

Hercules!

[all] Pootl! Pootl!

Pootl! Pootl!

[Icarus crying]

Oh, wow. Icarus, what happened in there?

You're crying.

Ohh!

Tears of joy, my friend!

Tears o' joy.

My career-destiny reading.

Read it, and you, too, shall weep.

It says you're destined for a career

in a Greek chorus?

That's right!

Musical theater, baby!

A Greek chorus line.

Oh, Gods! I hope I get it.

[Parenthesis] Hercules.

[Hercules] So, Mr. Parenthesis, sir,

how does this career test work?

With great exactitude

and a bucket of oxen guts.

Oxen...

Guts.

Minus the kidneys. Too slippery.

For generations, we have used

the oracular reading of oxen guts

to predict our students' careers...

or lack thereof.

Yeggh.

Couldn't you use some sort of...

aptitude test instead?

We tried that.

The oxen guts were more accurate by 72%.

-Aha!

-What is it?

These guts clearly indicate, alpha--

That this ox needed more roughage,

and, beta-- that you are destined

for a career as a liberator.

A liberator?

Oh. You mean someone who frees people,

does good deeds?

Ha ha! Sounds like a hero to me.

Whoops. Misread the pancreas.

My mistake.

You're not going to be a liberator.

You're going to be a librarian.

What?

No way.

Librarians hang out in...

Eegh! Libraries.

I'm a hero-in-training.

Hercules, we live in an age of learning--

Reason, Philosophy--

with the occasional sacrifice.

There is simply no place

in the modern world

for the mindless, sweaty,

hairy-backed machismo of the hero.

[smash]

What's all this, then?

[Hercules] Another "Beat Sparta" rally?

No. It couldn't be.

But it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

It's Pootls! Hide!

Why? They're so cute,

with those poofy little tails.

[Parenthesis] Not poodles.

Pootls!

The Popular-- or is it the People's--

Organization of Titanic Liberators.

It's a radical group who want to return

to the dark age

when Titans ruled the earth.

Hah. This is where you need a hero-- ugh!

Tsk tsk tsk. A head is a terrible thing

to waste.

We'll reason our way out of this,

if I can find the right page.

Uh, uh... IIcarus,

your flair for the dance is stunning,

but we are practicing

the joy of javelins today.

Come on, Mr. Phys Oedipus!

Soft sandal, everybody.

Oh! Dance, ten. Brains, three.

[thumping]

Huh.

Well, that doesn't sound very soft.

Ooh-ooh! Transfer students.

Oh, [stutters]

I see you're ready--

Ready for javelin day. Great!

That'll be a lovely olive soufflé, Helen.

Does anyone know why we always, always,

always keep a soufflé on the fire?

Cassandra?

You just never know who's going to pop by.

That's right, Cassandra.

That's exactly right.

Like the invading Titanists

outside our classroom.

Oh!

Barbarian!

A gentleman should always abduct a lady

from the left.

Uh, sorry, ma'am.

Full classroom emptiness

99.9% double confirmed

and re-verified, sir!

Where is Hercules?

Uh, well, sir, he's the .1.

Whereabouts currently negatively known,

uh, sir!

Students of the Prometheus Academy,

we are the Pootls.

Oh, the poodles, like the fluffy dog.

No, not like the fluffy dog.

We are the Peoples' Organization of

Titanic Liberators.

And you, boys and girls, are our hostages.

Ooh! I always wanted to be a hostage.

It's so edgy. The bewilderment,

the unspeakable mind-bending terror.

Actually, it's a lot

like hanging out with you.

Cooperate and everything

will be just figgy.

Now, can anyone tell me the whereabouts

of one of your little friends

by the name of Hercules?

Ha! Poodle boy doesn't know

is that our hero-in-residence

is in Parenthesis' office.

Adonis, I can't stay here.

I have an olive soufflé in

the home grec oven.

It'll just be a disaster.

Fear not, my princess,

I will speak with this uncouth ruffian.

Excuse me, I believe you

are the lead poodle.

Top dog if you will.

Top dog, ah, me. Yes, well, look.

Daddums is richer than a chocolate-covered

falafel ball.

Let us go and you can fill in

any amount you'd like.

There is no price tag

on freedom, rich boy.

Now, where is Hercules?

Oh, no. We nobles have a very strict

code of honor.

I could never betray a classmate.

Very well.

Major Bias, prepare a hot bath

for this honorable young noble.

Oh, that's better. Thank you.

A bath of boiling oil.

He's in Parenthesis' office.

[Antaeus] Retrieve him at once.

Adonis, how could you?

Well, what can I say?

We nobles also have a very strong instinct

for self-preservation.

Get ready for some heroic action.

[Parenthesis] No, Hercules.

These blue scrolls,

copyright the Minoan construction

and commode company,

and human reason are our best weapons.

Aha. Here it is.

Commence non-traditional entry maneuvers.

Negative herculean presence.

Effect return to operations center, ASAP.

See there? A perfect example of

the superiority of reason

over impulsive action.

Now, please save us from

that giant aqueduct rat,

man-eating variety,

while I ponder our next step.

[mumbling]

[Hercules] Ow!

[screeching]

Capital! This branch of the aqueduct

goes directly

and conveniently to the Athens police

department's men's room.

There. Reason has saved us.

Reason wasn't the one

kicking rat tail back there.

Let's see now, uh,

this way will take us to the cafeterium.

[sighs] Whatever reason dictates.

All right, look alive, men.

The Athens P.D. received an urgent S.O.S.

about rampaging poodles.

We've called in the expert.

The dog catcher.

We are not poodles, we are Pootls!

The People's Organization

of Titanic Liberators.

Uh, this canine confusion

is a negative, sir.

I know.

We are to be taken seriously.

We have demands!

Sorry to waste your time.

What are your demands?

I demand to speak with Zeus!

Forget it!

Zeus has a strict "No negotiating with

Titanists" policy.

But I'll run it by him.

[cat screeches]

You see? Brain power, my boy,

has allowed us--

Shh! There's the leader.

Soon Zeus himself will cower.

Be proud, my Pootls!

[cheering]

They're holding the school hostage.

A classic hero situation.

Heroics and reckless horseplay

are forbidden in the cafeterium.

Hercules, stop!

This means detention.

Hercules.

As a hero-in-training, I must request

that you release these innocent students

and surrender.

I think not.

Spawn of Zeus!

Aah

[thud]

Sorry. Sometimes I don't know

my own strength.

That makes two of us.

Uh-oh.

Ye Gods and minor deities,

the incredibly horrible giant

and half-titan Antaeus.

Aah! Aah!

Feels like... a whole Titan to me.

Hero to plush toy, just like that.

Hercules!

[narrator] And so, sirens blaring,

the Athens P.D. raced

to the temple of Zeus

with the grim news.

This is gonna go over

like a bronze balloon.

You're having trouble with a bunch

of fluffy doggies?

No, sir. The Pootls.

A pack of Titan-loving extremists.

They want you to free the Titans.

What? Free the Titans?

Do you have any idea what it was like

in the dark age of the Titans?

Dark?

It was bedlam! Pandemonium!

The unrelenting bleakness of

primordial chaos.

Plus there was this nasty odor.

And they want to go back to that?

I'll inform the Titanists

that you will not give in to their demand.

Don't bother. Heh, I'll deal with

the Titanists myself.

Hephaestus! Charge up the bolts, baby!

Herc? Herc-meister?

Come on, come on, buddy.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Come on.

Uh, that's a trick question.

They're toes, all toes.

His sundial's been rung.

Let me see, school taken by Pootls,

students held hostage,

hero-in-training confounded...

This calls for immediate thought.

Plan alpha-- Do nothing, very tempting.

Plan beta...

What of my soufflé?

Uh, can't somebody do something

before we have a culinary disaster.

I can.

Deep in each one of us

is a special ability,

I know it, you know it,

the ox guts know it.

Now, it's time for my gods

given talent to shine.

Icarus...

[music starts]

♪ Hello, my dolma, hello, my date loaf ♪

♪ Hello, my psychic gal ♪

♪ Yakka-ta-ta, yakka-ta-ta ♪

Ta-da!

Break a leg, Icarus. Or two, ideally.

You can't keep this kind of

talent from the world, baby.

Now come on, let us go.

Jazz hands, everybody.

Musical theater.

Yeah, isn't it magical?

I hate musical theater.

Oh, even rock opera?

Hey, leave him alone!

Ah, spawn of the usurper.

Still feeling heroic?

No! Think!

That's right, Antaeus.

No more Mr. Thinking guy.

I don't care how big and rocky you are.

I'm a hero-in-training and I...

[Chipacles] Titanist!

Hold that thought, would you?

Zeus has heard your demand.

He'll be here momentarily

to deliver his reply personally.

Excellent. Sorry, you were saying?

[sighs] I was saying,

I'm a hero-in-training.

You can keep me, but you'd

better release my friends,

or... or else!

All right. OK, you asked for--

Huh? You'll let them go?

Well, uh, oh, great. Uh, thanks.

It's my pleasure.

Major Bias, release the other students.

Sir, yes, sir!

Oh, yes!

Sweet freedom.

The 2-step combo gets them every time.

Zeus is gonna give these Titanists

a one-way ticket to Hades.

But Hercules is still in there.

Oh, don't worry, my little ingenue.

Herc has some fancy footwork of his own.

Heh, I knew a little action

was all we needed.

The hostages are free. Problem solved.

That, my heroic friend,

is where you are mistaken.

You are the only hostage I need.

I always planned to let the others go.

Oh, oh... oh.

You heroes are so strong on action,

and so weak on reason.

[Parenthesis] There.

The perfectly reasoned attack.

[boink]

[thud]

You'll never get away with this.

My father will--

Do exactly as I say.

Zeus will not endanger his son,

his demi-godling.

You see, Hercules,

we are much alike, you and I.

Caught between two worlds.

Except I'm good and you're evil.

Now you're splitting hairs.

I'm so sorry, I beg your pardon, but--

Oops. [imitating bias]

Recommend prisoner evacuation

to low or non-risk location, sir!

Very well, Major.

Hey, where are we going?

Parenthesis!

As you can see, my, if I may say so,

cleverly reasoned subterfuge

has effected your escape,

which your heroics, brave as they may be,

could not.

[muffled cries]

Hercules.

Isn't the Colossus

supposed to be in Rhodes?

Well, speaking as a former

Rhodes scholar honorary,

this certainly isn't that Colossus.

Hello! Enter Zeus.

Sweet Mother Earth!

Lay down your thunderbolt

of oppression, tyrant.

Behold my hostage.

Son?

Uh, hi, Dad.

Hercules.

Sorry, Father.

I got all the other hostages out, though.

That's good, son, that's good.

-Where are you going?

-To release the Titans.

It's not worth losing you over, my boy.

Ah, Zeus, I'm so glad you see things

in a reasonable light.

No, Father, wait!

I can't let him do this.

My plan, though I hate to admit it,

seems to have failed.

Uh, do you suppose you could, uh,

smash these rocks?

Ha ha! Now you're talking.

You will not escape.

Ah, says you.

[groaning]

I'm beginning to appreciate

this acting heroic business.

Oh, no.

But on the other hand, I do hear

very good things

about running away in terror. Aah!

If it's not too much trouble,

where are we going?

The front gate is that way.

Heh, I know.

But we're going to the library.

Aah!

Here. Fight them off.

[groaning]

Really now--

Let's discuss this reasonably,

say tomorrow?

Ooh!

[groaning]

Adrenaline rush! Or is it my bladder?

Hey, not bad.

[rumbling]

Come on!

Lovely soufflé. Olive, I think.

-Yes!

-Great explosion!

Ooh, good thinking, too.

Uh-oh.

We better hit the scrolls, fast.

[Zeus] Poseidon, reveal the Titans.

You heard me, Po-Po.

Ammunition.

"Homer, Hacied, heroic's digest,

how to win frays and influence monsters."

Hey, this is pretty cool stuff.

Ha! "The complete works

of Pindar unabridged."

This baby will do some damage.

Uh, that's not what I had in mind.

Oh, here we go, here we go,

now we're talking.

Ooh. What's that?

"Social registry of Gods,

Titans, and other immortals.

Copyright Hyperion scribes,

all rights reserved."

This way!

Uh, "Aeolus, Amalthea... Antaeus!

Half-titan, rocky son of Gaia the Earth--"

Son of Gaia! That's it!

Whenever he touches the Earth

Gaia gives him strength.

[Antaeus] My secret is out.

I'm crushed.

Not yet. [chuckles]

But you will be.

Whoa!

Down, Pootls, down!

No! Stop it, stop it right now!

Put me down!

I think not!

Aah!

Back off.

Stinkin' Titans.

Aah! Oh!

Antaeus. Ha. Guess your plan

went down the drain.

Usurper!

Poseidon, shut 'em up!

All right, all right.

All Pootls in the dog catcher's wagon.

And don't try this

or any other skullduggery again.

Bye! It certainly was a treat

having you in class.

Have a great summer...

in jail.

Show stopper, baby!

Hey, Pootls, next time

rehearse out of town.

And then I, in truly royal fashion,

saved my fellow students

from certain doom.

You? All you did was

royally rat out Hercules.

And if I hadn't,

he wouldn't have been there

to rescue us, now would he?

My soufflé?

Uh, I'm sorry.

It didn't make it.

[gasps] Oh.

Uh, you wanted to see me?

Ah, yes, Hercules. Come in, come in.

I've decided that our

old scientific method

of career guidance using ox guts

was unsatisfactory,

particularly for the ox.

Aah!

You have proven to me

that there's always room

in the modern world

for a reasoning hero, such as yourself.

So, perhaps you'd like

to form a heroics club,

extracurricular, of course?

Aw, that's OK. I get plenty of

hero-training with Phil.

But, um, I, uh, was thinking

a hero should exercise

his brawn and his brain.

So I, heh, I was wondering...

could I work in the library part-time?

Deal. If you'll teach me some of those

totally radical spear tricks.

Ow!

[theme music playing]