Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[Phil] Lousy, rotten, blockhead flake!

Phil, babe,

What's your damage?

[sarcastic] Great! Just what i need.

Mister "isn't that just too nutty?"

Phil, I haven't seen you this upset

since I lost your autographed Pan flute.

Hey, Pan doesn't give autographs anymore.

It was a collectible.

Ooh! The brotherhood of Satyrs, Minotaurs,

and other half-humans

convention is this weekend.

[sighs] And I really wanted to go.

"Kick up your hooves for one

glorious half-human weekend

at the Adriatic City Convention Center."

That's not far. Take Pegasus.

It's not that. It's lefty.

He was supposed to island-sit for me,

but he bailed out last minute.

What a horse's--

-[Hermes] Phil, Phil...

-[annoyed whinny]

Phil!

What do you need lefty for?

Hercules can watch the island

for the weekend.

Oh, yeah? And who's gonna watch him?

What are you saying, Phil,

I'm not responsible enough?

Go ahead, go ahead, say it.

You... are not... Responsible enough!

I am so!

Ow.

Come on, Philisimo,

The kid's come a long way

since you took him in.

Give him a chance to prove himself.

Ahh... I don't know.

Hey, I'll stick around to make

sure everything's copacetic.

[sighs] It is only two days.

You couldn't get in too much trouble.

"An all-you-can-graze blue grass buffet."

Whoo! You goat kids swing wild.

You think you're up to this?

Everything will be just like you left it.

Adriatic City, here I come!

Bye-bye! See ya, Phil!

Don't worry about a thing, babe.

Yeah, don't worry!

Whoa! How great is this?!

The whole island to myself!

So, uh, what do you wanna do first?

Uh...

Go to Speedy Pita?

Phil is letting you island-sit?

Oh, I think what she's really

asking is...

Can we please come over?

Please!

Sure. You don't mind, do you, Hermes?

Heh heh. The more the merrier.

So long as it's just these two cats.

Ohh... yes!

Let's get it to go, baby!

This isn't yours!

The kitchen is backed up.

Oh, OK, I see.

This is speedy pita.

Where's the speedy part?

With the pita part.

You desire speedy service?

Take five, babe.

[cracks knuckles]

[Adonis] Attention,all!

The royal parents are weekending in Delos.

I have the palatial villa to myself.

Thus I am throwing a lavish affair.

[everyone cheering]

A splendid time is guaranteed for all...

All invited, that is.

And just for the record,

you social zeroes are

definitely not invited.

Oh... zeroes.

Oh, [sniffling] you know,

that would really hurt...

If we cared!

But we don't!

'Cause we're goin' to Herc's party,

Smart guy!

Whoa, uh, it's not really a... A party.

It's more of, like, a--a get-together.

[snooty] No doubt.

My party, on the other hand,

is going to be a real Bacchanal!

[all] Yay! Yay! Yay!

Oh, yeah! I'm down with that!

-Adonis, love ya!

-Yeah!

Oh, Adonis, I'm there!

[sarcastic] A real Bacchanal, yeah!

Bacchus wouldn't come near Adonis' party

with a 10-foot limbo pole.

Mmm! Kicky idea!

What can I get ya here? Huh?

I'll take...

three gyros,

Ooh, a rack of lamb,

ah, a super Souvlaki,

whoa, mixed meat kebab.

Oh, and double up on the boar jowls.

I love those boar jowls.

And, uh...yeah.

A diet nectar.

Sure, sure. Right--right away, doll.

Oh, everyone,

This is Bacchus-- Lord of the grape,

God of parties, and master of merriment!

Uh-oh.

Slide over, kids.

Ooh! What's this?

Adonis is having a... Bacchanal?

Bacchus...

You didn't tell me

you were throwing a party

for prince thing here.

I'm not.

Therefore it is not a Bacchanal.

Hmm. Well, that would mean Adonis lied.

That's sort of in the

"Affront to the Gods" category.

Are we talking divine retribution?

No! No!

It's a misprint.

I'm not having a Bacchanal.

It's actually more of a get-together.

[snooty] No doubt.

That... Was so great.

[belches]

Hate to gorge and run.

I gotta meet an' greet some Maenads

who wanna worship me.

Go figure! Hey, I'm just

a God who can't say no.

Bacchus, uh, wait.

If you're not too busy tonight,

could you... Liven up my party?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know, make it more of a... Bacchanal.

The son of Zeus! Are you kidding?

I'm there! It's par-tay time!

All right! Yeah, party, man!

[all talking at once]

Whoa-ho! Hey, Herc,

I just brought Bacchus around to shut up

the royal pain.

Hercules...

Can I come to your Bacchanal?

The more the merrier, babe.

[screams] [giggles]

Uh, you don't get it.

Mount Olympus barely survives

Bacchus' Bacchanals,

and we have cloud furniture!

Hermes, you don't get it.

I've never been this popular before.

Oh, no, it's true.

My best friend Herc

has got the whole island to himself, baby.

Whoa!

I have to rethink my whole impression

of him.

I'm in his geometry class.

Uh, I think it's geometry.

[gasps] Are you wearing that?

Shu-ut! We gotta get something fresh on.

This isn't just anyone's party.

We're talkin' Hercules. [giggling]

One party, and Hercules is cool?

[both together] Duh!

[both] Please.

OK, OK, have the party.

Just keep it simple.

[both] Yes!

Nice try, Hermes.

But Bacchus doesn't do simple, baby.

Lend me your ears.

♪ Here's an open invitation ♪

♪ To the finest feast in Greece ♪

♪ It's an awesome celebration ♪

♪ Guaranteed to disturb the peace ♪

♪ It's a gala extravaganza ♪

♪ With a hot Cucaracha beat, whoo! ♪

♪ You don't need to ask

Directions, no, no ♪

♪ Just follow your dancin' feet ♪

♪ At the Bacchanal ♪

♪ It's a nonstop party ♪

♪ Oh, look at me, I'm dancing! ♪

♪ The biggest bash that

Bacchus has ever thrown ♪

♪ People wall-to-wall ♪

♪ Gonna party hardy ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ We'll boogie to the beat ♪

♪ Till the sheep come home ♪

♪ Grape juice gushes

Straight from the fountain ♪

♪ Shake it up and

Slide down the mountain ♪

♪ Strike a pose

So everyone knows you're cool ♪

Ha ha ha!

♪ Lift those hips

And move to the conga ♪

♪ Steal a kiss,

Scream cowabunga! ♪

♪ Mosh pit meltdown ♪

♪ Everyone in the pool, me first! ♪

♪ At the Bacchanal ♪

-♪ It's a nonstop party ♪

-♪ Boom, boom!

♪ The biggest bash that Bacchus has

Ever thrown ♪

Ay-yi-yi!

♪ People wall-to-wall ♪

♪ Gonna party hardy ♪

Ah, yeah!

♪ You're sure to have a ball

At the Bacchanal ♪

♪ Bbrrrrr! ♪

♪ Be-ba-ba-ba-be-be ba-be-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boo-bay! ♪

I can't tell ya, am I havin' a good time?

[crash]

[slurp]

Uh, good party. [nervous laugh]

That does it!

If you think I'm just going to stand by

while Hercules ruins my weekend,

you are sadly mistaken, my hired friend.

We are going to Hercules' party,

and we are going now!

Limbo lower now.

Ha ha! See, Hermes,

there's nothin' to worry about.

Everything is copacetic!

Heads up.

[splat]

Hey!

My face!

Epic party, Hercules!

[man] Yaaaah!

-[crash]

-[goat bleating]

Bacchus, uh, I...

I think we should slow it down now!

Hey! [babbling]

[columns continue crashing]

So... this is a real Bacchanal.

[babbling and crashing]

Arriba! [babbling]

[narrator] Indeed...

no mere get-together,

this was a real Bacchanal,

and the funky rhythm was felt

far beyond the shore of Phil's island...

From a confused crew of oarsmen...

To a drowned-out bevy of sirens...

To a sleepless Poseidon,

The God of the sea himself.

-[music blaring]

-[snoring]

[narrator] The party

had gone out of bounds.

Unh, lousy, rotten neighbors.

[muttering]

Do they know what tide it is?

[snoring]

-[party music still blaring]

-Gah! I oughta...

Yaaah!

That does it!

[music blaring]

Party's... over!

[gasps]

So that wasn't just a fashion statement.

[sputtering and gasping]

[coughing]

[gasping]

This... could not get any worse.

[Adonis] Well, well.

Looks like I came just in time.

I stand corrected.

Who's ready to come to my party?

-Whoo-hoo!

-Let's party! Yeah!

Party at Adonis'! Whoo-whoo!

He's in my shop class.

I think it's shop.

I'm already yesterday's news.

Uh, bad break, babe.

Ya know, popularity is

a what-have-you-done for-me-lately

kinda gig.

I should've seen it coming.

Why else would Cassandra

wear a life vest to a party?

I thought the subtle approach might work.

Hey, buddy!

Need a lift?!

No, thanks. I'm stuck here...

Island-sitting.

[narrator] Reckless,

irresponsible Hercules

didn't know what to do next.

Ohh, he's in one of his moods.

Come on, Bob, cut the boy some slack.

[narrator] Excuse me,

but he sank an island.

It's not like it's Atlantis.

Well, baby, all he's got to do

is beg Poseidon for forgiveness

and ask him to unsink it.

I don't think Poseidon

is gonna be too happy to see me.

OK, now you're just makin' trouble

where there isn't any.

Uh, I guess you're right.

Aaaah!

Whoa-ho!

[grunts]

[screams]

Whoops. Missed me.

Oop! Missed me again.

Missed me again. Uh, wha-ho!

OK, that was close.

Unh!

Aaaaah! Hermes!

Gotcha!

Unh!

Yaaah! Yaaah!

[Poseidon] Oh, squiggles!

Fetch, boy! [whistling]

[screams]

[indistinct]

[both panting]

Ha ha ha!

Sorry about the guard squid.

He's not fixed, you know, and--

Oh, it's you.

Squiggles!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I'll never have another party again!

Can I get a witness?

Uh-huh, and I suppose now

you want your island back.

Well, forget it!

Thanks to your beach party blowout,

I've got a splitting headache

and bags under my eyes

the size of belugas.

Poseidon, amigo, ya gotta help us

out here.

He's your nephew.

I'll do anything... Uncle po-po.

Well...

There is something you can do.

What? Anything.

Argus has this miracle eye cream.

Sends the bags packin', ya know.

But the selfish monster won't share!

You get me some of that eye cream,

and I'll give you... Your island.

Done.

[Hercules] Argus!

Argus!

Maybe we should split up.

[screams]

Arrgggh!

We just wanna talk to you-- Whoa!

Uh, Argus, Babela, we come in peace.

Hermes!

I love that you can do that.

Isn't that just too nutty?

Ohh, if you're not a sight for sore eyes.

Don't go there. Too easy.

[Argus] So how's your latté?

Mmm, tasty.

So, uh, about the eye cream.

Hermes, baby, you're killin' me.

Here, you want lip balm? Take two.

Oh, and I have got

an aloe vera scalp conditioner

to die for.

But the eye cream...

I can barely make enough for myself.

Mmm, however...

[narrator] Argus finally agreed

to give Hercules some eye cream

if he could get cupid to

give him one of his arrows.

Hmm, I wonder who Argus

got his eyes on. Ha ha ha!

Well, it's not like

you're gonna set him up

on a blind date. [giggling]

[narrator] Cute! Now,

can we get on with the story?

You want an arrow?

I can give you a whole quiver

of 'em

if you get this stupid song

out of my head!

-What song?

-Aphrodite

♪ Aphrodite, Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

Ohh! You are not helping!

Oh, but we can.

A splash of water from the pool

of forgetfulness.

Yeah, that'll do it.

[Hades] Do you know how humiliated I was?

Red-faced, your insidiousness?

There I am, buying

a client's farewell dinner

at the trendiest restaurant

east of the Elysian fields

when my Grecian Express card is rejected!

How can that be?

Y-you're always so prompt

with your payments.

I don't know. Unless...

Unless someone has been

running up my card.

We are mall rats!

For a live guy,

I sure find myself in the land of the dead

a lot.

Nice place to visit and all that.

Wha-ha! Whoo!

Oh, no! It's Hercules!

The boss can vent on his patootie.

Shh! Shh!

No, no, no. Ix-nay on

the Oss-Bay, babe.

I am a master at the art of negotiation.

[sighs] Fine. What do you want?

How about, uh, flameproof shorts?

[narrator] Yes. Flameproof shorts.

This was the toughest challenge yet.

But Hephaestus, the mighty smith God,

owed Hermes a favor.

[reading sign] Hephaestus has

a speaking engagement at the...

[both together] Brotherhood of Satyrs,

Minotaurs,

and other half-humans convention.

[music and carousing]

[horse neighing]

[screeching]

[whispering]

[neigh]

[neighing]

Relax. It's a huge place.

The odds we'll run into Phil

are a million to--whoa!

Ah, Hephaestus' lectures

are always so lame.

What say we go to the Satyr night fever

dance instead?

[laughs]

I thought you said the odds were

a million to one!

I, uh, I always hit the long shots.

[neighs]

Now what?

Hurry. I promised Sophocles

I'd get this costume back

before his second matinee.

[screams]

[grunts

[coughing]

[grunts]

[clattering]

Shh! Quiet! Shh!

Hubba!

Phil likes the new filly.

What?! I oughta...

[neigh]

Beat it, sister! And I mean now.

[high-pitched voice] Uh, excuse me?

Go move in on someone else's

half-man!

Leave mine alone!

Oya!

Uh-huh, no problem.

Ladies! There's plenty of me to go around.

You can... Philpool.

[both scream]

Wha--?! Oof!

[Hermes] Incoming!

Oh, I am so sorry.

And you with your Doric leg!

Hey, Hephaestus, babe! I, uh...

You see, there was this Zany Centaur,

and--

Ah, another story, another time.

Can we talk flameproof shorts?

Oh, ho! Whoa!

Too much! Oh, my flutes!

What have you done?!

[coughing] I'm sorry. I was just trying to

find Hephaestus.

Hey, you know, lecture's over, man.

He's, like, gone!

Huh, wait, hey, hold just a second.

Do you need a flute?

Autographed. Fell off a barge.

Ahh, I owe ya one, Heph.

This is really gonna

mean a lot to Hercules.

I just hope he doesn't

spill the beans to Phil in the meantime.

Phil, I've... got a confession to make.

Kid, what are you doin' here?

You spilled somethin' on my golden fleece,

didn't ya?

Among other things.

Ohh, maybe I'd better just show you.

Hey, um, save me a dance, sweetness.

I've been workin' on my trojan two-step.

[chuckles]

Ohh! Poor Herc.

[Narrator] Poor Herc?! Gimme a break!

He's got a life of adventure

and crazy hijinks.

Sure, you guys don't complain.

You got to go to his party!

Is that what's got your toga

in a twist?

[narrator] Even Phil got to go to

a convention, but me, I...

I never get to do anything.

Ohh, Bobby baby,

How about we take you out for ice cream

after the story?

[narrator] Can I get rainbow sprinkles?

Then let's bring this baby home.

OK...

Phil and Hercules were on their way

back to Phil's island.

Phil still didn't know that his island

was below sea level.

So all Hermes had to do was

get the flameproof shorts

to pain and panic...

I feel so gaul-ish! Yeah!

[narrator] Get the bottle of water from

the pool of forgetfulness to cupid...

Ahh!

The song is gone.

I can't remember a word of it.

Why am I wearing a diaper?

[narrator] Get cupid's arrow to Argus...

Yahoo!

I'm not spendin' next Saturday night

curled up with a book!

[narrator] And give Poseidon

the eye cream...

Ahh, it's like butter.

[narrator] So he could unsink

Phil's island

before Phil and Hercules got home.

Gaagh! No problem. [panting]

So? What do you gotta show me?

Show? Show? Nothing. Nothing to show.

Uh, right, Herc?

[sighs] You were right, Phil.

I wasn't responsible enough

to watch your island.

In fact, if it wasn't for Hermes,

y-you wouldn't even have

an island right now.

Thanks for tellin' the truth, kid.

But if you think I'm lettin' you

off the hook, think again!

20 laps! Now!

You, too, wing boy!

Why, Herc?

We were home free!

I couldn't lie to Phil.

Besides, it's only 20 laps.

Make that 20,000!

What?! Oh, Phil!

[theme music playing]