Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Is he bold? ♪

-♪ No one braver ♪

-♪ Is he sweet? ♪

-♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

[Bob reading]

[Bob] Mount Olympus,

home office of the Gods,

A somber, sober domain where weighty

matters are contemplated daily.

Oh...

Ahh...

[burp]

[arf arf]

[meow]

Oh! My Dogs of War!

Who did this to you,

my fearsome battle hounds?

You!

Athena, you shaved my Dogs of War?

Oh, silly, Aries,

I am the goddess of wisdom.

Why would I do a stupid thing like that?

Heed my words!

This is the last time

you'll make a God out of the Fool of War!

Gah!

You know what I meant.

Oh, I think one of your pups

needs his walkie.

-Oops. Too late.

-[dog peeing]

Ew.

Oh!

[whimpering]

[Bob] Seeking revenge,

Aries turns to his two mighty sons,

Fear and Terror.

Fear, Terror, my two mighty sons!

OK, in the category "Good Gods,"

The question is...

Who is the God of the place

where three roads meet?

Wait. I know this.

I'm gonna guess-- ha ha ha--

I've forgotten my guess.

Eh heh. State your surrender.

Oh... It's all--

Hello!

With the mask of tragedy.

It's all Greek to me.

Yes! Move back a space!

I can't go back from start.

OK, my turn. Hit me.

OK. Who is the God of War?

-[door slams]

-[Aries] Fear! Terror!

Dad! Ever knock?

Yeah. Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Rude Dad.

Have you two been playing that stupid game

all day again?

It's All Greek To Me is more than

just a game, Dad.

It's kinda...

Like...

A really, really good game.

Say, Sad, OK, who is the God of War?

Me!

You idiot!

Ha ha! The answer is me, you idiot!

Pericles, is that you, boy?

Your aunt Athena shaved my Dogs of War.

Can you believe how childish she is?

Now, how are we going to get her back?

Uh... Shave her Dogs of War!

Athena doesn't have any Dogs of War.

All she's holding is that gooney

Owl of Wisdom.

-[bell dings]

-That's it, boys.

You two steal her Owl,

and then...

We'll shave the owl!

Ha ha ha ha!

Um...

Can we finish our game first?

-Ooh!

-[crash]

[Bob] Meanwhile, in the realm of Man,

it's a different story.

Because weightier matters

are left to the Gods,

mortal life is blissful and carefree.

Everyone has read the chapter

on the Persian conflict

in their text scrolls.

Let's review.

I don't get History class.

I mean, what good are all these names

and dates and facts?

Herc, someday a historical factoid

could help you save the day.

[sighs]

I really don't see that happening.

[teacher] Miltiades was one of the richest

and most advanced...

[thunderous footsteps]

Rawwrr!

Arr!

Rawwrr!

Rawwrr!

Rawwrr!

-Rawwrr! Rawwrr!

-Aah!

Ooh!

Question-- What was the strategy

used by Miltiades

at the Battle of Marathon?

Hercules, answer?

Uh, oh, uh... The answer, uh...

Um... Eh heh...

What was the question again,

Mr. Herodotus?

Miltiades made expert use of...

the surprise attack!

Ah!

Are you not turned on

by history, Hercules,

is it whack?

Uh, er, uh... whack?

Well, perhaps this will get the attention

of you and your flunkard homies.

An exam comes in the middle of the term.

I call it... The midterm exam!

-Aah! Aah!

-Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Ho ho! Mr. Herodotus,

You might not be aware of this,

but we always have exams

at the end of the term.

FYI.

Not anymore.

I'm rewriting history class.

If you don't pass the midterm,

you don't pass the class,

and you all have Mr. Hercules

here to thank for it.

Oh.

He calls it a midterm, so, you know...

mighty Athena...

Anything you can do wisdom wise...

OK, then.

Thanks for listening.

-Hercules.

-Aah!

I've been looking all over for you.

I need a favor.

You need a favor?

I have reason to believe

that my brother Aries

if plotting to snatch

my beloved owl Ibid...

-No!

-and shave him.

Huh?

Why would he do a stupid thing like that?

I'm sure I wouldn't know.

The important thing is,

I wish for you, Hercules,

to guard Ibid and keep him from harm.

I, uh...

I would be honored

to guard your strigiform pet.

Whoa!

Strigiform? Where did that come from?

Ah... Heh heh heh...

Strigiform is the scientific name

of the owl family.

I did not know that.

Of course you didn't.

Ibid's a magical bird.

He fills your head with knowledge.

Uh...

Really?

Just-- just-- just-- just like that?

Ahh, studying the Persian conflict.

Dicey time, that was.

Hmm. Let's see.

What was the nickname of

King Darius I of Persia?

Darius was known as the huckster, for he

looked to make a gain in everything.

Ha ha ha ha!

This is so cool!

Uh, OK, then, yeah.

Yeah. I'll take good care of Ibid.

See ya.

Hercules, don't you

need your history text?

Not anymore. Thanks, Athena!

You rule!

Whoa! Now, Dad said to take the owl

from Athena, right?

-Right.

-Well, now that Hercules guy has it.

He didn't say anything about takin' it

from him.

No?

So...

Hey, wanna just go home and play our game?

OK.

Happy midterm day, Herc!

Whoa!

-What's with the extra-cool hat?

-Shh!

His name is Ibid.

He's gonna help me ace the history exam.

Oh...

Well, buddy, whatever works for ya.

No, no, no. Really. Try it.

Well...

I'm not really into--

Plato once said, "Poets utter great

and wise things

which they themselves do not understand."

Wow!

What was Plato gettin' at?

The genius effect wears off fast.

Dang!

It's All Greek to Me.

-[door slams]

-[Aries] Where's the owl, huh?

Dad!

It goes like this...

Where is it? Where are you hidin'

the little swivel head?

Auntie gave him to this Hercules guy.

Yeah, after that,

it seemed a lot like work.

Thank you for knocking, Dad.

OK, Terror,

and your category is...

Unh! Ah! Unh!

[both] Dad!

Go to Athens...

Get the owl.

OK, we will.

After our game.

Now!

See you in summer school,

flunkard.

Next!

Let's see.

Hercules.

Ahem.

Hat?

Uh, yes, it is, sir.

I mean remove it.

I find that a warm head keeps the thoughts

all, uh, fresh

and, uh, toasty.

Put it by the door.

-How about if I--if I--

-Door!

Unh!

Good. Now... Sit.

No. Sit here.

Leave hat there.

You sit here!

[gulp] Yes, sir.

Now, if you're done jiving the teacher,

we'll get on with the midterm examination!

First question--

"The Persian Wars,

Darius and his Persian army were halted by

what's city's forces,

led by whom, and where was the battle?"

Uh, Darius. Uh, uh...

Darius the huckster.

Yes. Ahem.

Yeah. Could you rephrase the question,

please?

-The imperial forces of Darius of Persia

-[bench scraping]

-were defeated by whom,

-[bench scraping]

-with what army...

-[bench scraping]

And where?

Ahh!

Miltiades led the Athenian army

to victory,

defeating the Persians

at the Battle of Marathon.

It was a surprise attack!

Well, aren't we funky fresh?

Now, onto the difficult material.

-[wham]

-Whoa!

Oh. Yeah, uh, OK...

So, um...

Hercules, hi.

I'm Fear.

And I'm Terror.

Aries' two mighty sons!

Test postponed.

Um, so we're here for the owl?

Ohh!

Oh, no. Ibid.

Fear, that hat is kinda scaring.

Oh... You know, it's more like a scoot.

Athena's owl is in this hat.

-How do you know?

-My proximity to the magical bird

has radically increased my intelligence.

You try it.

Heh heh. I like its big eyes.

Oh! That's... Heh...

I am experiencing a curious tingling

in my medulla oblongata.

I think we would be well advised

to return at once to

the comfortable confines of our domicile.

Huh?

Oh, now your intention

is clear, dear brother.

-You wish to go home.

-Yeah. Um...

OK. Yeah!

-Sounds good!

-[Hercules] Oh, no.

Athena's gonna kill me.

Oh... Athena...

You who are wise and, uh...

And merciful. Heh heh...

I hope. Ah!

Oh, hello, Hercules.

Where is my precious Ibid?

-Ibid?

-My owl.

Great. Eh heh... Same thing.

Well, uh... Ibid, your owl...

is currently...

in the clutches of Fear and Terror,

the two mighty sons of Aries.

-Oh... Ah...

-What?

Ah! Fear and Terror!

Oh, my boys!

Dad, we got owl. We got it.

Outstanding!

It's shaving time!

Ho-ha!

[clears throat]

Uno momento, por favor.

We have debated the merits of your

shave-the-owl objective

and have concluded that your boorish prank

intrigues us not.

Terror, why is your brother

talking egghead?

Watch this, Dad.

"Who gets his best ideas in the tub

and is known to shout, 'eureka'

when he's had a breakthrough?"

Ahh... Archimedes,

renowned thinker and mathematician.

You didn't even know

who I was in that stupid game!

But now you know some poindexter mathlete?

Well, thanks to the owl,

I know much.

Well, I know that I want to shave

the little sucker, OK?

So fork him over.

Dad...

We took him.

We decide what to do with him.

In this household, I'm top God.

What I says, goes,

and I says fork over the owl.

[laughing]... No.

All right! All right!

You two... Oh, but you're in trouble.

You're way outta line! Way outta line!

You see this? If this is the line,

you're clear way over there, OK?

I think not.

Indeed, woe is you.

Since we're the ones who thought ahead

and got magic chains.

What magic chains?

Oh, the ones that can bind even a God.

Oh... those.

But I'm your father!

Ha ha ha ha!

Father or not...

Your fate was sealed the moment

you opposed us.

Quit bogartin' the owl!

[laughing]

-See previous--

-[door bangs open]

The owl.

Now.

What she said.

Gah! Does anybody knock anymore or what?

Just hand over Ibid,

and there won't be any trouble.

-[whack]

-Whoa!

-[crash]

-Oomph! Ooh.

[Hercules]

If that's the way you want it, fine.

You'll know the meaning of Fear and Terror

when Hercules gets here, you two yaps.

Yeah. That kid has gumption.

And he won't quit.

Hello!

Are you listening to us?

All right! You advance four spaces.

OK, it's my turn.

Owl me.

Could you guys keep it down over there?

Boys, boys, boys...

Do you think when I

named you Fear and Terror

this is what I had in mind?

Oh, please.

Would you like us to be

fierce and terrible,

leaping about shouting, "booga!, booga"?

How pedestrian.

Well, it would be a start.

OK, Greekography...

"Why did travel by sea become so popular?"

The rocky cliffs and mountains

of the Greek mainland

make travel by land tedious and difficult.

Zing!

Move ahead.

Man, we have never gotten this far ahead

in the game before.

Which seems impossible to imagine,

but--ha ha ha-- there you have it.

-[knock on door]

-Who's there?

Smooth!

Throw 'em off with courtesy,

then... Wham! [laughs]

Boy, I like that.

Hercules, I do not normally

encourage violence,

but pulverize them!

Now, serving brother number two.

Mmm... I think not.

Given the intensity of your punch

and current wind conditions,

I estimate that my brother will return...

-[incoming artillery whistle]

-now.

Oh! Aah! Oh!

Fear, he hit me.

May I suggest that you engage Hercules

in battle?

Uh... You mean hammer him, right?

Indeed!

Sure.

Uh, OK.

[Bob] And so the battle began,

Hercules vs. Terror...

One night only.

Unh!

Ah! Oh!

[screaming]

Ah!

Unh!

Whoa!

[groaning]

Ooh! Ah!

[screaming]

[train races, whistle blows]

[train races, whistle blows]

-[toot]

-[toot]

[crash]

[Bob] And as it turned out,

One Night Only was about

all that Sparta could take.

-Oh... Man!

-Ah!

We trashed Sparta.

Well... Yeah.

Look, uh...

I'm sorry about the damage and all...

but, uh, you know, you have two Gods

and an owl held captive,

and as a hero in training,

I cannot rest until they are free.

Hercules, may I offer

a nonviolent solution?

Like you'll release Athena,

Aries, and the owl?

Perhaps. Yes. Perhaps I... might.

if you defeat us in a little game

called...

It Is All Greek to Me.

You're on.

OK, um...

"Who punished prom-eth-ius--"

Right--

"by having him chained to a rock

where an eagle would peck out his liver?"

My dad.

Let's ask the judges.

Can we accept that?

Well, the answer is Zeus,

who, technically, is his father.

Ha! Yes!

OK... Fear.

Your turn.

Not yet! Not yet!

I don't have the owl yet.

Fire away.

Hey, that's-- that's cheating!

Interesting accusation

from one who tried to owl his way

through an examination.

Um...

Just take your turn.

[clock ticks]

Well done, Hercules.

Thanks to such categories

as "Good Gods,"

"Hooray for Heroes,"

and "A Menagerie of Monsters,"

You are one space away from victory.

And it's my turn.

But we're right behind you.

Booga! Booga!

You can do it, Hercules.

Just do it fast! I've got a Charlie horse!

OK.

Hey, I can't read it.

Oh... Cool.

OK.

Ooh. Heh heh... The category is...

"History Mystery--

"What was the winning strategy

used by Mil-ti-ades...

to win the Battle of Marathon?"

Oh, uh... Wait!

Oh! I know this.

As if.

Well, I should know this.

We went over it in history class. Um...

Maybe if a certain flunkard

had not been daydreaming in class.

I know. I know. I know.

Oh, uh, the Persian Conflict...

It was on the midterm. Um...

This is it, Herc!

A historic fact that is going to help

you save the day!

Oh, man!

-Did I call it or what?

-Icarus, be quiet!

Who's he talking to?

No doubt the pressure

of his impending failure

has driven him to seeing spectral visions.

Oh... Yeah.

Right.

History's not da bomb...

Nobody cares about history.

Enough! I don't need somebody to

make a mosaic for me.

I get the picture.

History is important!

Hey, I think I remember. Uh...

Miltiades won the battle

of marathon with...

A surprise attack!

-Oh, man!

-Oh, man!

-Jolly good show!

-Bravo, Hercules!

Hurrah! Bravo!

[Athena] Very well done. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Herc!

Hey, where's the fire, Nero?

Oh, hey, I gotta go. History calls.

Ah! Time for that makeup midterm.

I already took it. I got a beta-plus.

Really?

Beta-plus, huh?

Well, which got knocked

down to a beta-minus

when I confessed to Mr. Herodotus

about the owl scam.

Oh, man, I gotta race.

Can't keep my study buddies waiting.

See ya!

Study buddies?

Hey!

Where's that extra-cool hat, baby?

-Hey, sorry I'm late.

-Oh, that's cool.

It gave us a chance to

look over the answers.

You weren't supposed to tell him that.

OK, guys...

hit me with a history question.

[theme music playing]