Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[Bob] In the ancient Greece

of myth and legend,

there were perhaps no figures

so shrouded in mystery

as the Fates,

also known as the Three Dread Sisters,

Clotho, spinner of a thread of destiny.

Lachesis, who measures

out fortune's fiber,

and perhaps the most feared of all,

Atropos, who holds the shears

that seal a soul's doom

with but one snip.

With these magical threads,

the Fates weave the very tapestry of life,

humankind's destiny was quite

literally in the twisted hands

of these three weird sisters.

Who are you calling weird?

[Bob] Oh, sorry.

Hello, ladies, I'm the narrator.

We know.

Ahem... pardon?

We know everything.

Yeah, well, actually,

knowing everything is my job.

I'm the narrator!

I'm omniscient.

Oh, do be quiet, Bob.

How did you know my name?

We told you...

We know everything.

Then tell me,

Have you seen five charming,

attractive ladies?

The muses?

Yes, traditionally

I open the program with them.

We trade some good-natured

banter, sometimes they sing--

Not today.

You're stuck with us...

Bob.

You're not, heh heh,

going to-- going to sing, are you?

No, but we have prepared a poem.

Watch us weave the tapestry of fate.

With magic thread, reality we create.

One wrong stitch might be disastrous.

Just ask Hercules and his friend Icarus.

[Icarus] I cannot believe it!

They're already putting up

decorations

for the great Dionysia festival.

Yeah, talk about rushing the season.

We haven't even had

the feast of Apollo yet.

Ok, I'm gonna go shop now,

so see you guys later... or not.

Oh, don't be silly, Cassandra.

I'm here to offer my fashion savvy.

I shall stick to you like glue.

-Oh, check out the super-cool poster!

-[crash]

Orpheus!

[Hercules] Is coming to town?

This shall be the defining event

of our generation.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, uh, uh... whoops!

Sorry.

Tickets for that concert

are going to sell out instantly.

Well, then, let's rock!

And roll!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Faster, faster! Faster! Faster!

Oh, sorry.

[skids]

Ohh!

Just in time.

Two tickets for the Orpheus

Never Look Back concert, yes!

[man]

Sorry, just sold the last two to him.

Concert event of the millennium.

Sold out to me!

[Icarus] Oh, that's ok.

There will be other concerts.

[sobs]

I can't go on living the lie!

There'll never be another concert

like this one.

Ever! The dream is shattered!

Hey, I ain't cleanin' that.

I'm a hero trainer, not your janitor.

Please, we prefer the term

custodial arts practitioner.

I'm a junior scrub monkey.

[Hercules] Sorry, Phil.

It's just we've been looking forward

to this concert all year.

Duh, your daddy is the king of the gods.

Catch my drift?

Oh, yes. He's the goat man with the plan.

So, Father, maybe a little, uh...

divine intervention, huh?

I can't help you, son.

Orpheus is one hot ticket.

Fabulous. You know,

I-I caught a warm up gig

at a small club in Corinth.

All hits, no filler.

You know me, son.

I'm always willing to lend

you the hand of a god,

but frivolous interference

in mortal affairs

tends to come back and bite

me in the backside.

-I understand.

-You're tough, but fair.

[Zeus] I'm sorry, boys.

Guess the fates were

against you on this one.

[Hercules] Game over.

Even my dad couldn't help us.

Ooh, oh, oh, oh! Herc!

He did help!

[imitates Zeus] "I guess the fates

are against you."

Huh? Huh? The fates! Get it?

The fates, huh?

Yeah, the fates can do anything.

I see you two on the brink

of one of your buddy adventures,

peppered with hijinks

and fraught with disaster.

Or tell me something I don't know.

It's like Orpheus is even

worth it anymore.

He's way too slick

since he went polyphonic.

[Hercules] Gee, uh,

I don't know about this.

Oh, relax. The worst they could say is no.

[Fates] NEVER!

[whispers] Is that worse than a no,

'cause I'm not sure.

What you ask would require

reweaving the tapestry of fate.

And the tapestry must never be rewoven.

Even for a handsome, strapping,

smooth-skinned son of Zeus.

[laughs]

Eyew!

Oh, I-I-I mean, uh,

I guess we'll be on our way now.

Ooh, I think the short one's

got the eye for you.

I've got an idea.

You just keep 'em talking.

Icarus.

[laughs]

[woman] I am Arachnae,

guardian of the tapestry of fate.

Hello? Hello!

Ugh, no one is ever stupid enough

to sneak in here!

Oh, oh, my mom.

"Oh, yes, be a guardian," she said.

"See the world, eat exotic people."

Thanks, mom. Great idea.

Wow!

Ooh, the tapestry chamber.

Ooh. Aah. Hey, aah!

Ooh.

And stitch two, pearl three,

drop one stitch,

two, pearl three, drop one.

Ooh, that looks good.

Ah, ah, ah, oh, stitch two, three,

drop one.

Oh, so, then I said, duh,

why do you think they call them furies?

[laughs]

Oh, good looks

and a sense of humor, too.

Aah.

Yummy.

What was that?

Well, aren't you quite the faties' man?

[purrs]

Come around again, son of Zeus.

I'll be keeping an eye out for you.

[laughs]

Icarus, did you...

Reweave the tapestry of fate?

Affirmative, good buddy.

Oh, no! What were you thinking?

Oh, Herc, in the words

of the great one...

Never look back, baby!

I don't know. This doesn't feel right.

Focus, Herc, we're going to the concert.

Everything is gonna be hunky and dory.

[woman] Am i looking at my

little icky wicky poo?

Yes, I am.

Hey, honey muffin!

Ick, did you tangle any threads

when you were reweaving the tapestry?

Ha, you don't know the half of it.

I have never seen such a knotted up mess.

Why do you ask?

Why? Doesn't Cassandra

seem a little different to you?

-[sniffs]

-Now that you mention it...

I do detect a fragrant hint--

Not the perfume, something else!

Something glaringly else!

Oh, I am so excited

to be going to the concert

with my schnoogy-schnoogy

and my bestest best friend.

Uh, you mean Herc?

No, helen!

Hi!

Actually, Cassie and I want to talk to you

about Jerkules.

It's hurting your image,

hanging around that loser.

You know what you must do.

Oh, what a tangled web we wove.

Ah, we should have brought a torch.

Sorry, I forgot how dark it is in here.

Shh. Try to keep it down.

-Unh.

-Ahh.

Sorry. Sorry. Forgot about that

low ceiling back there.

Anything else you forgot?

No, that's it.

Tapestry chamber should

be right around here.

[hissing]

I am Arachnae,

guardian of the tapestry of fate.

[roars]

Unh.

Right, sorry, sorry.

Forgot about the giant spider lady.

Aah!

[Arachnae laughs]

Yeah, this is the way my day's going.

Just when I decide to take my lunch break,

somebody wants to show up.

[pants]

Hang on a second.

Maybe I can make this work.

[screams]

Icarus!

Help!

[alarm buzzes]

Oh, yeah! Incoming!

[ding]

Another ding. Botta-bing.

Thrills. I'm absolutely

thrilled over here.

Ahh. Who can I kick around?

Yo, imps.

Actually, uh, we prefer to be called

"assistant agents of darkness."

Looks better on the résumé, you know.

[sighs] Whatever.

We'll talk about your

job descriptions later.

Right now, just take

care of the new arrival.

[both] Yes, sir!

If, uh, if your afternoon's open,

It'd be great if you could meet

the new being.

The personal touch goes a long way

to getting their eternal doom off

to the right start.

Whoo! Did we, like, not pay the bill?

-[alarm blares]

-Whoa!

That soul left! It left!

Souls do not leave the underworld.

And who has the code for this alarm?

Unh. Aah! I think it's

your mother's maiden name.

[Hercules] Oh, i did it!

Icarus, you're alive.

What, no tickets?

I say we quit while we're ahead

and leave the tapestry weaving

to the Fates.

Well, come on, Herc!

I mean, the-the concert. Yes, Orpheus,

Ooh, ooh, the Orphettes. Huh? Huh?

No!

[Hades] Tapestry weaving?

Oh, my nephew.

My genius little nephew.

Why didn't I think of this eons ago?

Knitting needles.

And two, pearl two, one, stitch two.

[Hercules, thinking] Where am I?

[gasps] I'm a god!

Wait, did I pearl one, drop three?

Shh. Quiet, son.

Your father is coming.

[gasps]

The king of the gods!

The ruler of Olympus!

[both] Hades!

Hiya... son.

Better close that mouth, son,

before a harpy flies into it. Ha ha!

Oh, darling.

You're the best.

Hmm. Botta-bing.

Hey, you like the new do?

I just jump in the shower and away I go.

Couldn't do that with

the old one, could I? Ha!

Wait! What's going on? Where's Zeus?

Zeus? Zeus? What is that,

a candy or something?

The real king of Olympus?

Now, now, I've always been the king.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Hades has left the building.

Hey, by the way, that tapestry trick,

nice.

Oh, the tapestry!

[neighs]

Ah, great.

It's gone!

[Arachnae] Well, hello.

Mind if I... drop in for a bite?

Aah!

[gasps]

That hurts.

[neighs]

[strains]

Ha ha, yeah. So typical.

I meet a nice guy. I try to eat him,

and he turns out to be a god.

Oh, yeah.

[in strong voice] What happened

to the tapestry?

Tapestry? No clue.

Ohh. The Fate's tapestry.

It was here earlier.

No, the Fates and their tapestry

have always been prisoners

of the underworld.

You are a god. You should know this.

But I thought you were its guardian.

Oh, I wish.

Oh, I'd love to be a guardian.

See the world. Eat exotic people.

So you're just a...

Spider lady?

I prefer to be called

a freelance web designer.

Web designer. Thank you so much.

Uh, I'm sorry, I've got to go get the--

Huh?

[Philoctetes] Oh, mighty Hercules,

hear my call.

Phil, is that you?

The exalted one answers.

Phil?

Boy, am I glad to see you.

I'm in--I'm in a real mess.

Hey, if you got a mess, I'm your goat man.

You're a janit...

Er, custodial arts practitioner?

I prefer to be called a scrub monkey.

Oh, this is making my head hurt.

[Icarus] Hey, Herc!

Your shrine smells lemony fresh.

Icarus!

Yes, oh mighty Hercules.

This olive loaf here

claims he's your friend.

So, Mr. Quit-while-we're-ahead.

Oh, Herc, you sly dog.

Whoo! Who cares about concert tickets,

when you can just be a god, huh?

Icarus, I-I didn't do any of this.

Oh, don't be modest.

You done great for yourself.

Oh, and thank you for flight school...

Nice touch.

Whoa. Flight school? What flight school?

It's nice to be finally recognized for my

aerodynamic genius.

All polished up for you, sir.

[chuckles]

What are we gonna fly close to today?

Um... the ocean.

All this week, it's the ocean.

Shoo! Shoo! Get outta here!

Icarus, we need to talk.

Wow! Hades, huh?

Phew!

So, uh, your being a god

and my being popular

and Phil being a janitor...

Yo!

All just threads that got tangled

along the way.

Oh, well, fate happens.

Well, enjoy it while you still can,

'cause I'm going to the underworld

to untangle it.

Tread with care, oh, mighty Hercules.

I hear that River Styx

stains like nobody's business.

[Atropos] Well, if it isn't

the strapping young Hercules.

Right on schedule.

Mediterranean Standard Fate Time.

[laughs]

Oy, no, I'm here to fix the tapestry.

[Fates] We know!

But beware, young hero,

for you will learn...

That fate has taken an ugly turn.

By now, we're sure you can deduce...

[all] The tapestry's guardian is Zeus.

Unh.

[Hercules moans]

[gasps]

All right, cats and kittens.

Hey, give it up for

the lord of the underworld,

Mmm... Zeus!

Nobody touches the tapestry.

Pardon me, sir, but isn't that

your zany nephew,

Uh, the son of Hades.

So it is.

Long time no see, kiddo.

Well, have a fun-filled

family reunion, kids.

We just checked in a bunch of new

dead people,

and I gotta go see

who needs... doom service.

Hercules, I didn't recognize you.

Or I never would have

blasted you like that.

Uh, Father?

Whoa!

Father, why that would be me.

Hades. Oh, ha ha,

I'm terribly sorry, brother.

I-I mean, your highness.

I thought your son here was an intruder.

Oh, well, ha ha ha.

That's why I'm the king of Olympus,

and you're just the lowly keeper

of the underworld.

So, hey, how are the dead guys, huh?

Oh, still dead.

Ah, good, good. Speaking of which...

I think you'd better destroy Hercules.

W-w-why? But he's your son!

And he's trying to mess

with the tapestry of fate.

It's a teen rebellious thing.

You know, the music, and the hair, and...

He's been hanging out with mortals.

Mortals! What do you do?

Oh, mortals!

You know what I always say...

Spare the lightning rod, spoil the child.

Oh, all I wanted to do

was go to a stupid concert.

-[grunts]

-Whoa!

Hyah!

[grunts]

Ha-cha-woo.

Whoa. Aah!

Whoa! Ahh, ooh!

Does my hair look stiff?

I just got the part right.

Is there something in my hair?

Oh, ha ha.

[Hercules] Uh-oh.

Ooops!

Um...[coughs] wow!

Wow, babe, that-that was

a load-bearing stalactite. Hmm.

Grab him!

Yes, my dark Olympian master.

Ooh! Aah! Poo! Aah!

Take that, you crazy nut.

This new cosmic order

is a little disconcerting.

And yet, somehow, it works.

Aah! Yeah, baby.

[thud]

Hey, look at that.

I'm bald. Ha.

Ha ha!

[bowling pins fall]

That's a spare.

Aah!

[war whoops]

Whoo! Cool and refreshing.

[scoffs] Even as king of the gods,

if you want to get something done,

hey, you gotta do it yourself.

[Hercules] Gotcha.

Hoo! Haa! Hyah!

Hyah!

[evil laugh]

[screams]

Wahoo! Yes!

Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster!

Just in time.

Two tickets for the Orpheus

Never Look Back concert. Yes!

[man] Here you go. Last two.

Funny, they are front row center.

[Adonis] Hey!

How did you get here before me?

[Clotho] The tickets are a gift,

young hero.

A token of our appreciation,

A remembrance

of our time together.

Yummy.

Eyew!

You'd think the Fates would be mad.

I mean, if we hadn't

messed with the tapestry,

Hades wouldn't never have gotten the idea.

Oh, those gals aren't petty like that.

They got the eye, baby.

They see the big picture.

Now, let's go to the concert event

of the millennium, huh?

Canceled?

That's right. Darndest thing.

He woke up this morning, no voice.

Ah, he really had a great set

of pipes.

Ah, boy, and you kids had choice seats.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Talk about your nasty twist of fate, huh?

[both] The Fates.

[Atropos] Please, we prefer to be called

"predetermined event facilitators."

[Fates laugh]

[theme music playing]