Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[man humming]

And now the final touch.

Voila!

-Ehh?

-Hmm.

-Mm-mm.

-No?

Aah!

[snap]

Please! I am an artiste!

No! No! Don't take me away!

Let me try again, please!

Can't you dig any faster? I'm hot!

Mumsy said I can have a pool,

and I want it today!

Yes, your highness.

We're digging as fast as humanly possible.

It's not fast enough.

[clank]

Prince Adonis...

We have found something.

[gasps]

-It's a warning!

-An omen!

We dare not continue!

[sighs]

You people will do anything

to get a break.

Oh, how I despise laziness.

It's an ancient warning of doom!

If we do not heed it,

a curse will fall upon our heads.

Did my father not give you

a generous heath care plan

last year?

I'm sure most major curses are covered.

Now, dig!

Choppety-chop!

Oh.

[Adonis] Aah! My good pottery!

[yelling]

Who dares disturb the Slumber of Gaia?

That digger man right there.

The one with the pick.

The soon to be cursed chap

wearing that thing.

You arrogant little mortal!

I see through your flimsy lies!

Would sturdier lies help?

I could shore them up

with some half-truths.

Uh, par example, I--

Silence!

For disturbing my slumber,

I curse you!

Aaarrgh!

[grunts]

Wait!

Cursed?

I can't be cursed.

I'm a prince!

♪ Mighty Midas had the golden touch ♪

♪ But he couldn't always use it ♪

♪ It appears his ears were made of tin ♪

♪ When forced to face the music ♪

♪ He had to choose the best of the blues ♪

♪ The palace was too honky tonky ♪

♪ And the aftermath of Apollo's wrath ♪

♪ Gave Midas the ears of a donkey ♪

[Bob] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Time out, ladies.

Baby, we bustin' a move!

And, bob, you're steppin' on our groove.

[Bob] You didn't get

the rewrite, did you?

Hmm. The last thing we got was this one

about King Midas got donkey ears.

Oh, we threw that myth out.

It wasn't really a big deal.

Honey, you tell that to Midas.

Well, what's this one about?

This one is about Gaia,

AKA Mother Earth,

and how she placed a curse

on Adonis' head.

Can you whip something together?

You know we can.

Step back, Bobby baby.

♪ Adonis tried to beat the heat ♪

♪ Disturbed Gaia's beauty sleep ♪

♪ She slapped him with a nasty curse ♪

♪ Honey, you shouldn't mess

With Mother Earth ♪

♪ He's in a pinch without a plan ♪

♪ He needs a hero's helping hand ♪

Now, let me get this straight.

You need me?

Yes, yes. Gloat away,

but my problem is serious.

I've been... [gulp] cursed!

Cursed?

-[gasps] cursed?

Cursed?

Shh! You want to make me

an instant social outcast?

All right, calm down, Adonis.

I-- I'm sure Cassandra could help.

She's good with this kind of thing.

To break a curse? I have no clue.

Oh, this is hopeless!

I'm setting sail on the River Styx cruise!

Do you suppose they have

a first-class?

Oh, buck up, Adonis.

My sweet Cassandra has lived with a curse

her whole life.

Cursed to foresee doom and disaster.

It's been a blast.

Ha ha! See?

Isn't she an inspiration?

Hmm... so this curse may not be fatal,

like I'm cursed with smashing looks

or cursed to marry for money.

-I see Adonis laying down to die.

-Aah!

Well, that answers that.

Tell me more.

Can I avoid this fate?

I'm just an amateur.

You want a reliable forecast,

go to the oracle at Delphi.

Delphi?

Oh, my! That's very far away.

A difficult journey to make...

all by myself.

Well, I got a geometry test to study for.

See ya.

Delphi's three-day walk at the very least,

though only a few hours

as the bird flies...

or a winged horse.

Hmm...

[Adonis] Winged horse.

You know, Mr. Euclid... tough.

Whew!

Need to seriously cram today.

If only there were some faster way

instead of trekking alone

across barren terrain

fraught with monsters

and two-star restaurants.

Oh, my!

[Icarus crying] Ohh!

Would you take him already, Herc?

Hey, what's wrong

with two-star restaurants?

All right, Adonis.

I'll take you to Delphi.

Heroes are so easy to manipulate.

[Hercules] I hear this place is busy.

Hope we can get an appointment.

So she says, "Graceful father

of the Romans!"

And I say...

Hercules! Adonis!

Hi there.

Welcome to the Oracle Friends Network.

We've been expecting you.

Oh, they're good.

Almost creepy good.

Your own personal psychic

is waiting for you.

And remember, the first question is free.

I'm feeling better already.

Aah! I am cursed!

Look at this!

I could be lying in city-state

by the time we talk to an oracle.

Well, not much we can do.

We'll just have to be patient.

Oh... commoner thinking.

I can't wait in this line.

Of course your credit

is good here, King Midas.

We take the gold card.

Midas-- he's the one with the donkey ears.

[Bob] We're not telling that story.

Oh, all right.

One side, one side!

Royalty coming through.

[heehaw heehaw]

Excuse me, sir, but you'll have

to wait your turn.

But you don't understand.

-I'm very important and very cursed.

-[growls]

[Adonis] I-I don't suppose you recognize

my divine right to cut in.

-[punch]

-But I'm a prince!

[grunts]

Like I said, be patient.

Like I said, commoner thinking.

Daddy's checkbook should provide

all the leverage I need.

Uh, pardon me. How much money

would it take

to get you to switch places

with me?

Ohh...

"Ten million drachma

payable to Mr. Bloatox."

I assume that's with an "X."

"Signed, Prince Adonis,

heir to the Tracian throne."

Ooohhh!

You see?

There's no problem money can't solve.

You are cursed to die by sunset.

What?

No!

Isn't there something I can do?

Something?

Give me a loophole, for Zeus' sake!

Seek out the golden apples

of the Hesperides

and take them to Gaia before nightfall.

Well, where do we find these apples?

Sorry. You'll have to go

to the back of the line

if you want to ask another question.

What? Just tell us now!

Ah ah ah. Back of the line, bub.

[cheering]

"Signed, Prince Adonis,

heir to the Thracian throne."

OK. Uh, golden apples?

Location? Location?

Only the old man Nereus knows.

And we have to wait in line again

to find out where he is, right?

You're asking a question

about asking a question.

Nice try.

"Signed, prince Adonis,

heir to the Thracian throne."

OK. So... where can we find this Nereus?

Two blocks past speedy pita,

hang a left, then a hard right.

He's in the Elysian Sunset Rest Home,

Hermits Wing, Room XXXI.

Thanks! Let's go, Adonis.

Rrrr!

You may have won this round,

but mark my words,

the prince of Thrace

will have his revenge!

[oracle] Uh...

No. I don't foresee that happening.

Now she gives me a freebie.

[woman] Thanks, Adonis! Rest in peace!

[man] Thank you, Adonis. Thank you!

[neighing]

[Hercules] Well, this is it--

The elysian sunset rest home.

Remember the time our class came here

to spread some sunshine at the sunset?

Skipped it. I was at the beach...

in the sunshine.

You're a real humanitarian, Adonis.

I donate all my old chitons to--

-What's that word?

-Charity?

That's the one.

[gasps]

[humming, giggling]

She's taunting me.

She knows she's going to outlive me

OK, now, hermits can be kind of touchy,

So let's be a little less pushy

this time, OK?

Pushy? Me?

Ehh! Porridge again?

[knock on door]

Who approaches Nereus?

Um, hi, uh, Mr. Nereus?

My name is Hercules,

and, uh, I was wondering--

Talk, old man!

Tell me where the golden apples are now!

Grrrr!

Why didn't anybody tell me

he was a shape shifter? [groans]

Actually, it's here on his chart.

"No salt, shape shifter."

Eh?

[screams]

Grrraah!

-Be a hero!

-Adonis, let go!

Eee!

Grrraah!

[coughing]

[hissing]

Hey!

Take it easy, kid!

You know I'm an old guy, right?

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.

Hah hah! Patronize me? You little twerp!

Hercules, could you wrap this up?

We're running out of time.

Well, then why don't you help me?

Me? What should I do?

I don't know.

Hit him with something!

Something to hit with.

There's no way I'm touching that.

Adonis!

Right! Right!

Aha!

Take that, you vile beast!

Porridge?

Aah!

I really hate that stuff.

OK, you win. What do you want?

Um, Where can we find the golden apples?

Oh, yeah. You need to go to the garden

at the edge of the world.

The edge of the world?

That's kind of far.

Well, then you'd better stop lollygaggin'!

OK. Uh, thanks, Mr. Nereus.

Come on, Adonis, let's go.

Lotta good it'll do ya, mortal.

Pardon? I said, "Lotta good

it'll do ya, mortal."

No mere man can pick the golden apples.

Well, good news there.

I am no mere man. I am a prince.

Well, whoop-dee-doo!

You'll be a dead prince

if you try and pick 'em.

Only a god can do that.

Really?

What about demigods?

Hmm. I don't know. Never come up.

Adonis come on!

Oh, yes, I'm coming!

[neighs]

[sighs]

[Hercules]: Wow. The edge of the world.

We made pretty good time.

That must be the garden down there.

[Adonis] Who is he?

Atlas-- the titan who's cursed to forever

hold up the sky.

[Adonis] I never noticed there were

so many curses until I had one myself.

Say, fellas, uh, help a titan out?

[scoff] Sorry.

Just be careful. He tries to trick people

into holding it for him all the time.

Trick people?

Listen, buddy, holding up the sky

is an honor the gods bestowed upon me.

I'm proud of it.

It's just I've got this itch

between my shoulder blades.

If you could hold it for a sec or two.

Ha! Nice try.

Wait! No! Guys!

It's been 3,000 years

since my last potty break!

Ohh!

[Hercules] Look! The golden apples.

[Adonis] Absolutely stunning.

Gaia has good taste.

I wonder if she does decorating.

Well, let's get a-pickin'.

I'd love to, but you know,

I'm, well, cursed.

Oh, I think I feel the curse kicking in.

Ooh!

You're unbelievable.

Grrr!

-Hercules, wait!

-What now?

Um, this is kind of

an interesting question.

As a demigod, which half

of you is more... godish?

The left or the right?

Doesn't work that way. Why?

Oh, just idle curiosity.

Aah!

Hercules?

Uh, chum?

Try your left hand.

[foot steps]

Hercules, wake up!

Ohhh!

What smote me?

What smote you? Well, wait till you hear.

There's a funny thing nereus mentioned,

and I guess I only forgot to pass it on.

Only a god can pick the golden apples.

You forgot?

I-I thought your demigod thing

might be enough to pull it off.

It was a calculated risk.

You calculated, I took the risk!

[scoffs] Come on, Pegasus.

We're going home.

[gasps]

Ohh!

It's the curse! Help!

Sorry, Adonis.

I'm not buying.

Wait! As the prince of Thrace,

heir to the throne of King Cinyras, I...

I... I need you to save my life, Hercules.

I have no other hope.

All right, heir to the throne.

Who's gonna pick those apples?

Well, there is someone available.

[Hercules] Atlas? No way!

I'm gonna get stuck holding up the sky

forever!

No, you won't.

I'll make sure of that. Trust me.

Trust you?

Rrrr!

World's biggest dope right here, folks.

That's me!

Come and see the world's

biggest dope!

I knew I could count on you.

Just remember to lift with your legs,

not your back.

Hey, you're a natural!

[straining] OK! I got it!

Just hurry back!

Right.

Come on, little mortal.

Um, that's actually

"little mortal prince."

You think I care?

No. Nobody else seems to. Why should you?

So, what do you need these for?

I angered Gaia, and she cursed me.

Angered Gaia?

World's biggest dope right here, folks!

That's him! Come see the world's

biggest dope!

Ah!

Thank you, o mighty Atlas.

Ah, don't mention it.

Feels good to stretch, you know?

Whew!

I'm sure this is a welcome respite

for you, Mr. Atlas,

But my associate and I

are on a very tight schedule,

So if you wouldn't mind...

What do you need him for?

You got your apples. Ditch him.

Hmm. You do have a point.

Yeah! Why don't you come with me?

I hear they got a calydonian pita kitchen

in crete now.

Come on! What do you say?

I can't leave Hercules behind,

but what do I do?

I've always used money

to solve my problems.

And so I shall again!

Oh, clever head!

I'm in, Mr. Atlas!

Great!

But Hercules has all of my cash.

[Hercules] What do you mean?

I don't have your money!

Hercules, don't you remember?

I said, "Hold my coin purse,"

and you said, "Whatever you command,

your royal, royal highness."

Hmm? Oh! Oh, right, right!

Yeah, now I remember. Yeah, OK.

Uh, I just need to

reach inside my tunic...

Atlas, be a sport, will you,

And hold the sky while Hercules

gets my money?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Unh!

Thanks.

Oh, and, uh,

lift with your legs, not your back.

Farewell, foolish titan!

Oh, you stinking mortals!

Short lifers!

-[neigh]

-[Hercules and Adonis] Aah!

-[Pegasus groaning]

-Oh, no! Pegasus!

Are you all right?

He's fine.

Can't he just fly it off?

No. I think it's sprained.

Then we'll never get to thrace by sunset.

[sighs]

Good night, sweet prince.

Like flights of angels--

No. There has to be another way.

Hmm...

Maybe I could--

Give it up, Hercules.

You've done all you can.

But you'd be on your way to Thrace

if you hadn't come back for me.

Oh. You're right.

What is this odd new feeling?

That's the feeling of having done

the right thing.

Oh, this is a cruel curse.

And so, the prince of Thrace

shall lay down amongst nature's glory

And await the cold grasp of Hades himself.

Hmm.

You don't happen to have a pillow, do you?

Wait! That's it!

You have a pillow?

No! Nature's glory!

Don't you see, Adonis?

Gaia's not just in Thrace.

Mother nature is all around us.

You think?

Gaia, mother of earth, I call upon you!

What now? Can't a girl

get a little shuteye?

Well, I'll be a commoner.

You're on, Adonis.

Um, mighty Gaia,

I apologize for waking you.

Twice now.

I offer these golden apples as my penance.

Golden apples?

Mmm! Delicious!

Thanks, mortal.

OK. Curse removed.

Now go back to your little lives...

and let me sleep!

I'm... alive!

Ha ha!

The prince of Thrace

has single-handedly defeated death itself!

[scoffs] Single-handedly?

Uh... ahem.

You're right.

Thank you, Hercules. You've been a prince.

Of course, you understand that's

just a figure of speech.

I mean, really.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

♪ Young Adonis was a lucky curse ♪

♪ But he's still the prince of fools ♪

♪ If mighty Midas had a friend like Herc ♪

♪ He wouldn't be the king of mules ♪

Hey!

[Bob] Ladies!

Sorry, baby. That one was just

too catchy to throw out

[theme music playing]