Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Is he bold? ♪

-♪ No one braver ♪

-♪ Is he sweet? ♪

-♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

[Hercules reading]

[Icarus] Hoo! That's it!

T.Z.I. Friday, Baby!

After five days of hitting the scrolls,

this melon needs rest and relaxation.

I could sleep longer than Endymion,

yes, sir, which is a very long time.

Hey, look it up.

You know, Icarus,

silence is touched by Midas.

Look it up.

No rest for me this weekend.

Phil and I are joining Greece's top heroes

for the great Cledonian boar hunt.

You're going to hunt a big pig?

It's a total honor.

Yeah, I'm sure the boar

is just bursting with pride.

You know, I don't know if I could sneak up

on a living, breathing animal,

look him in the eye and, aah!

Blood! It's bloo--

That's it! I'm a vegetarian.

Ketchup is a vegetable.

[Phil] Come on, kid.

Let's get on the inter-city-state

before rush hour.

See you guys Monday.

I'm going to bag a boar. Ha ha!

Hey, look no further.

Icarus, I see filthy men

splattered in blood

poking sticks into a rotting carcass.

You're having a premonition

about Herc's hunting trip?

No, somebody left the door

to the kitchen open.

[bulls grunt]

[Phil] You heard the lady, Herc.

Buckle up.

Ooh, look, a Starbacchus

with a drive-through.

Ooh, another Starbacchus.

-Boy, that god knows how to franchise.

-[toilet flushes]

Shouldn't have had

that second cup of coffee.

Hey, is that a nymph?

Nah, just a tree with a shapely trunk.

[Hercules] Oh, what's that stench?

[Phil] Ew! We're passing

the Augean stables.

They got to get somebody

to clean out those things.

Oy.

We've got to make a pit stop

to pick up the boys.

Kid, I can't wait for you

to meet my buddies,

admired by men, loved by women.

Genuine role models.

[belches]

Ooh, what's the story on that one?

This little beauty is the Orion 2000

semiautomatic crossbow,

fires 25 arrows per second.

Your prey don't stand a chance.

It's hamburger before it hits the ground.

Ain't she a beauty?

Ooh, she is.

Want to buy her? No i.d., no wait.

We'll take it. [belches]

And another sixer of grape juice.

Hey, you old gasbag, you.

Nestor, Meleager, get over here.

Phil!

[all] Boar! Boar! Boar! Boar!

Huh!

Kid, this is Nestor,

one of the greatest hunters ever.

His aim is so true,

he can hit an ionian gadfly

from the top of Mount Parnassus,

which is very far. Look it up.

I am keen of sight.

And Meleager.

Mel can hear a twig crunch

on the far side of Crete.

Huh? You talking to me?

-I said--

-Got you! Ha ha ha ha!

Wow! It's an honor to meet real heroes.

Guys, this is Hercules.

This kid's going to be bigger

than the Colossus at Rhodes.

A hero can make or break

his rep on the hunt.

Hey, welcome to the party, rookie!

Yes! I am so in.

[Phil] Wait till you guys taste

my boar hunt kickoff dinner,

a medley of red meats, tossed bacon salad,

and mincemeat pie.

Ha ha. We're talking belch-athon.

Ah, the great outdoors.

[belches]

[belches]

This is the life, eh, Herc?

[belches]

Yeah.

Good one, kid. You're going to do fine.

-Just got to stay frosty.

-You said it.

Every year it gets harder

even to find a boar.

I thought Caledonia was full of boars.

It used to be.

But every year we see less and less.

But the ones we see,

we shoot them on sight, right?

Whoa! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, I hear something.

I see two fleas and a gnat.

That's it?

Yep, two fleas and a gnat.

They just landed

on the snout of that boar.

Party time! Party time!

Whoo!

We need a bigger wagon.

[boar growling]

I should have taken

the optional insurance.

Ugh... he's pushing us over a cliff!

The party's just getting started, kid.

It's not a party!

Whoa!

[all] Aah!

[groaning]

Party's over.

Chiron.

Hello, ladies. Ha ha ha ha.

That was a rental.

Don't tell me you didn't take out

the optional insurance?

Quit eyeballing me, boy.

You're, you're Chiron, trainer of heroes.

True heroes.

A recent student of mine, Themistocles,

just single-handedly sank

the entire Persian navy.

Why don't you join them?

And then there's Pheidippides.

He ran all the way to Marathon,

set a world's record,

-and invented the need for bunion pads...

-You invented the need for earplugs.

And I just signed a powerhouse

out-of-towner named Samson.

Yeah, yeah, I've seen him,

muscle-bound, needs a haircut.

Wow! You handled all those guys?

Those and more, son.

I've trained a long line of heroes,

each and every one a success,

unlike a certain horn-head I know.

Hey, Phil's a great trainer.

He's the best.

And Herc here is going to be

the greatest hero of them all.

Yeah, yeah, they call me killer.

[boar growling]

The hunt is on, killer. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Here's the chance

to show him your stuff, kid.

[horns blaring]

[horn squeaks]

Phil, what happens after we get the boar,

do we eat him?

Nah the meat's too tough.

Well, uh, can we make hunting

capes from the boar's hide?

Not a good idea. Boar hair is very coarse.

Chafes like a rug burn.

Well, so, what do we get out of this?

You get to carve a notch in your spear.

Shh. Boar tracks. He's close.

[boar grunting]

[sighs]

I just can't do it.

Throw already!

[squealing]

What were you thinking?

You had a clean shot!

Aah!

Whoa!

[both] Whoa!

[shouting]

[both] Whoa!

Aah!

[snarls]

I-I don't know what happened.

I was really looking forward

to killing for sport.

I'm as shocked as you are.

Let's just pray

that nobody saw you flinch.

Psst. Hey, Flincher.

[laughing]

Don't sweat it, kid. It's your first time.

You got scared.

That's not it, Phil.

I wasn't scared at all.

I just, I just couldn't kill that boar.

Now you're talking crazy talk.

[Chiron] I'm telling you.

He looked like a deer

caught in the moonlight.

Ooh! Ooh! Hey, Phil.

Where's the comedy, fellas?

Ha ha ha ha! Oh, it's nothing.

Just something Chiron said...

Flincher.

Chiron came up with that one

'cause the kid flinched.

You get it, huh?

Flincher.

It just fits, you know?

OK, so the kid was green

his first time at spear.

It happens.

But tomorrow, seek some high ground

'cause boar blood will flow.

Uh, I don't think so, Phil.

-Kid, let me do the talking.

-I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Let me do the thinking too.

This boar hunt, it's not for me.

No. really. Let me do the talking.

I can't believe a hero is somebody

who kills just to put

a notch on his spear.

You don't have to do the notch,

forget the notch.

Just do the killing part.

I'm sorry, Phil.

You can't hit the boar,

but you can nail

the trainer's heart bull's-eye.

The kid will come around. I know it.

Yeah, right, and I've got some beachfront

property on Atlantis to sell you.

Kid, you really put your foot

in it this time.

[laughter continues]

Whoa! Ugh. Ugh.

Uh-oh.

What's the limit on boar hunters?

I can explain.

Wait. Aren't you Artemis,

Goddess of the Wild?

Yeah, that's my bio,

and y'all are trespassing in my temple.

Well, I don't see any temple.

[bats chirping]

The backwoods are my temple,

and you're going to rue the day

you ever started hunting in them.

Hunting? Me? Sorry.

You snagged the Flincher.

Say, you aren't a hunter, are you?

I can see it in your eyes.

My critters kind of like you, too.

[birds chirping]

[whistles]

Cut him down!

[bird shrieks]

So, tell me.

What in the blue blazes

are you doing out here?

Well, I wouldn't spear a boar,

and the other hunters

laughed at me, so I left.

Good for you. There aren't

many Caledonian boars left.

If they go, what's next, unicorns?

I never thought of it like that.

The boars need a fella like you.

Yes, yes, yes, I love you,

too, but not now.

It's time for a new kind of hero.

Hero? I'm there.

You're where?

It's, uh, it's an expression.

You kind of talk funny.

Oh, well, but anyway, I must skedaddle.

So it's set. You are

my new eco-hero, OK?

We got a deal?

Uh, deal, but what's the "eco" part mean?

Protect the boars.

[unicorn whinnies]

[bird chirps]

Ah, that was the weirdest dream.

It wasn't a dream.

I promised Artemis I'd protect the boars.

Oh, no, Phil will never forgive me.

What am I going to do?

All right, all right.

Enough with the cute furry... yuck.

A deal's a deal.

[horn blares off-key]

I thought Herc would be back by now.

That kid can be so stubborn.

Well, two can play at that game.

Who am I kidding? I got to find the kid.

I'd never forgive myself

if something happens to him.

Hark. What's that I hear?

Could it be a wood nymph, perchance?

-[woman singing]

-A small detour won't hurt.

Ahem. Oh, Ms. Nymph!

[gasps] Who's there?

A brave and mighty boar hunter.

A big brave boar hunter?

And mighty, mighty, mighty.

Artemis!

Well, well, hey there, boar hunter.

Did I say boar hunter?

No, I meant bored with hunting,

and I only eat vegetables,

recycled vegetables.

Ha! If lies were children,

you'd be Hecuba.

She had scads. Look it up.

Now you get a whupping.

[muffled screaming]

Blech!

Oh, for crying out loud,

I'm working here, walleye!

Aah!

Well, nanny goat man,

let's see what kicks you get

from the other end of the pointy sticks.

Whoa! Whoa!

Ooh.

But you make a right handsome boar.

You know, with any luck,

you'll make it to the end

of hunting season.

Shoot! I plumb forgot.

Around these parts,

it's always hunting season!

[croak]

Yes, mama loves you, too, sweetheart.

Mm-hmm. Mm, yeah.

You're killing mama, baby.

Come on, turn loose.

Let, ugh!

Let go!

I hear boar.

I see boar.

I kill boar.

By the gods, you sure are

a scrawny little runt.

And ugly, too. Ha ha!

Don't worry, little piggy!

I'll put you right out

of your misery! Ha ha ha!

[squealing]

Ah, blast.

Hey, Chiron.

What's going on? Did you see the boar?

Lock and load.

We'll split up and circle the beast.

You go left, and you go right.

Uh, can I ask you,

can you be more specific?

Ooh!

Specific enough?

Boar's got to be around here somewhere.

There!

Cute little fellow,

in an ugly, sort of scrawny way.

[laughing]

Yo, boar, your rump is mine!

Now, where did that boar get to?

What? I can't hear you.

[bird cawing]

[sniffs]

[squealing]

[screaming]

[groaning]

That's two down and Chiron to go.

Ha. I wish Phil could see

his flincher now.

Hey, where is Phil?

[Chiron laughing]

Sooey!

[squealing]

All trussed up and ready for slaughter.

How convenient.

Not only scrawny and ugly,

but you are dumb.

[squeals]

Chiron, the hunt is over.

The Flincher? No one stops

the hunt, boar-hugger.

[Nestor and Meleager] [muffled screaming]

-[thud]

-Get out of here.

Come on, hide deep in the forest

And never come out.

Well, go on. Scat.

Keep him for a pet, boy.

He may be the only friend

you'll ever have.

When I spread the tale of your cowardice,

you'll be the laughingstock of Greece.

I don't think so!

-Is that--

-Uh-huh. Artemis.

She's very protective of these woods.

Look it up.

[squeals]

[chirping]

[muffled] Oh, oh! Unh-unh.

For the love of, aah!

You're ruining my Deus Ex Machina moment.

Well, this boy just whipped

three of the biggest names

in the hero biz.

So who's laughing now?

That's beginner's luck.

Oh, admit it, centaur.

You're looking at a new kind of hero,

one that doesn't need to prove his manhood

by wiping out a species!

Uh, could you do me a favor

and get this boar off?

Whoops. I almost forgot.

-Phil?

-[all] Phil?

Well, that explains a lot.

You saved me, kid!

Let this here be a lesson.

If y'all ever come a-hunting here again,

the boar you skewer

may be one of your own.

Now, I'm out of here.

If we can't go boar hunting,

what are we going to do next year?

You tell me.

We could meet in Knossos, go bowling.

There aren't any gods

against that, are there?

I don't think so.

Maybe we should, uh, look it up.

[theme music playing]