Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

Prometheus Academy parents,

on behalf of myself, Parentheses,

and our venerable faculty--

you know who you are--

welcome, one and all--

except tuition-tardy deadbeats.

-Let's go.

-Let's go.

Ha! Open house! Oh, yeah!

Get to see the parents on campus.

Groovy.

Icarus, you see your father

every day in shop class.

No! Not my parents, silly!

I'm meeting the two people

who dared to take a dream

and make it a reality--

A dream called Cassandra.

I'm having a nightmare--

A nightmare called Icarus.

It's funny-- some kids' parents

re nothing like I pictured...

Oh!

[Hercules] And some are... exactly.

So, Herc, can we expect

an earthly appearance

by big daddy "Z"?

Uh, I sent the invitation to Olympus--

Hermes express.

[fanfare]

Their royal majesties...

King Cinyras

and Queen Myrrha of Thrace.

Make way for the blue bloods.

Unlike your parents,

who are no doubt blue-collar.

Ha ha ha!

Ho, ho!

You are bitin' for a smitin', mister.

I think you'll be pretty surprised

when my parents get here, Adonis.

Yes-- surprised they have

the ability to walk erect.

Now, I must embrace my trust fund.

Daddums, Mumsie,

so glad you could come.

Mwah. Mwah.

I wouldn't have traded a visit with my boy

For all the gold in Thrace.

Which, of course, we already have.

-Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

-Ha ha ha! How about that.

Wait till the clouds part,

and my parents make a big

Olympian entrance.

Adonis will eat his words.

I foresee a weekend of humiliation.

Pile it on. Adonis earned it.

[man, in a singsong voice] Cassandra!

Not Adonis. Me.

Where's our little casserole?

We've been looking for you, sugarplum.

I said, "Vic, I think

she's hiding from us."

Ha ha! Of course ha ha!

She was kidding.

Of course.

Save me.

Cassandra, they're your parents.

sighs

Try the Greek ideal of embarrassment.

Casserole, you never told

us you had a steady.

See what I mean?

They called Icarus "steady."

Cassandra, they love you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You are so wrong.

You should love them,

no matter how much they embarrass you.

They raised you!

[donkey brays]

Son, son. Here we are!

Yoo-hoo!

-Hercules!

-[Adonis chuckles]

When am I supposed

to be... pretty surprised?

W-w-who-o-oa!

Aaahhh!

Ugh! Ugh!

[man] Slow down, son.

Ha! We've got all weekend.

Mom. Pop.

[slurp]

Penelope. I wasn't expecting you...

Uh, so early.

Well, the invitation says,

"Allow plenty of time

for cross-town traffic."

[sadly] You got the invitation?

I mean-- I mean you got--

[cheerful] you got the invitation!

Wow!

Let's go have us a look-see

at this fancy school of yours.

Ha ha! Oh, we can't wait

to meet your friends.

Ah, Hercules, what a fine donkey cart.

Your father must have made a killing

in the slop market. [chuckling]

"Slop."

[brays]

Adonis, aren't you going to introduce

your academy chum?

You can meet him tonight

at the gala parents' dinner.

That should be rich. Ha ha!

Oh, golly! A parents' dinner?

Oh! Ha ha! What fun!

[sadly] Oh, yeah-- Fun.

[horse galloping]

This your first catering job, kid?

Well, I used to deliver for speedy pita.

Huh. Why did ya leave?

I almost got eaten

by a two-headed cyclops.

Ha! Fast food.

Professional catering's a different game.

[snorting]

[all] Aaahhh!

[growls and snorts]

Come on!

Stinkin' cross-town traffic!

[snorting]

Oh, man!

Not again!

I got a gala full of hungry people,

and, brother, you're in my way.

Hyah!

Wow!

Professional catering

is not for chickens, kid.

[squawks]

Grrrhuh?

[sniffing]

[growling]

[gulps]

Yum, yum!

Aha!

And here's our little casserole

when she was only one year old.

Daddy's little girl.

Oh, such carefree days of youth!

And I thought seeing

the future was a curse.

Oh, I brought some baby Herc poses, too.

Mom, nobody wants to see those.

Hercules, they're cute.

Ooh! Who is this darling

little naked child?

It's so cute!

Hey! Maybe we should see what

your parents brought along.

As a matter of fact,

Tthey're about to make

the presentation now.

I'd like to humbly thank

his majesty, King Cinyras,

for his generous gift and tax write-off.

A bronze Adonis-- lovely.

Add a little Mediterranean sun,

and we'll be bronze twinsies.

It will occupy a place of prominence

behind the faculty washroom.

Now, let's dive into our sumptuous--

if catered-- Feast.

So, where are the... country kinfolk?

They're with... your parents.

I'm working on something new back home--

Crossing a mule with a goat.

It gives me milk with a little kick in it.

-Ha ha ha!

-Ha ha ha!

Oh, animal husbandry--

such rich comic fodder.

Oh, yes, you jackanapes, you.

Hey, they look like

they're getting along with your folks.

Please. My father's obviously just amused

by their simpleton ways.

He left his court jester at home.

I mean, come on.

Oh, yeah.

I should have known.

Mmm. Liver pâté. Yum.

Oh, Cassandra. I can't take this.

My parents are so embarrassing!

Join the club.

Club?

Quick poll-- if you had to choose,

would you kiss a gorgon or be seen

shopping at the Agora with your parents?

[all] Gorgon.

This is different.

I wanted my god parents to come here

because, I don't know,

it would make me look so cool.

My mortal parents are just so... ordinary.

I'm sorry, son...

Sorry that we're ordinary mortals.

Oh, Pop, I didn't--

I didn't know you were there.

Guessed you didn't.

But, Pop, wait. I--

I-I didn't mean to--

Ignore your own advice?

-Huh?

-I think it went something like,

"They love you. They raised you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of."

And I still love them,

no matter how much they embarrass me.

Oh, thanks, Cassandra.

Sure. And if you run into Vic and Evelyn,

keep running!

[Hercules] Cassandra, we just--

Kidding!

[sighs]

Maybe we ought to go home

before we embarrass our boy anymore.

Mom, Pop, I'm sorry!

I can explain everything.

[monster snorts]

Except that.

[snorting]

Aaahhh!

Hush, woman. No need to panic.

Grrr! Grrr!

Cover the canapés! Grab the crudité!

Batten down the hors d'oeuvres.

[gurgling]

Ooh, is this, um...

"glittering salute

to parents and guardians"?

Sorry, no. I believe it is Ladon--

A mountain of living gullet.

Oh, thanks.

[gurgling]

[snorting]

[crowd screaming]

Mom, Pop, stay here!

Where are my soldiers?

Wait a second!

You've got some shmuts on your face.

[muffled] Mom.

This is hero stuff!

[monster gurgling]

This is a private party!

I have to ask you...

-[monster] Grrr!

-...to leave-- Ow-- Quietly.

[gurgling]

Protect me, me! Ooh!

All right--

No more food service for me!

[Hercules grunts] Hey!

Aah!

[Hercules, in a singsong voice] Over here!

Ugh!

Look! He's calming down!

[sucking]

Grrrr!

[snorting]

[crowd yelling]

Ugh!

Yah!

Ow!

Whoa!

Oh, my baby!

[woman screams]

[laughing]

Son!

[grunting]

[roaring]

OK, then. Who wants

to sing along with Vic?

Play a travel game?

Ooh! Tell scary stories?

I think this is plenty scary enough.

[clears throat]

Do not fear, common people.

My son, the prince, is no doubt

taking swift and decisive action.

We're going to have a coronation.

King Adonis--

It just rolls off the tongue so naturally.

Where'd everybody go?

Are you familiar with Echidna,

the mother of all monsters?

Ladon, where have you been, baby?

Mommy's been looking for you.

Mama!

Uh-huh. What do you have?

Show me!

[whimpers]

[all groaning]

And I thought Athens was a wild town.

Oh, I get motion sickness

whenever I travel to a land I don't rule.

Hey!

Mmm.

Ladon, what have I told you?

You know you're not ready for solid foods.

Ugh!

[whimpering]

Whew! That was close!

I need to mash them up first. Heh!

[snorting]

Oh!

Remember this place, Pegasus?

The domain of Echidna.

OK, now we need a plan.

Any ideas?

[snorting]

How many times do I have to tell you--

Don't play with your food!

[whimpering]

Now, go dirty up for dinner.

You're all clean-- it's embarrassing!

Were you born in a palace?

[snorting]

Ay! Kids-- they never listen!

Huh! Tell me about it.

The same was true of our little boy.

H-h-how can you be talking

to this monster?

She's getting ready to stew us!

She's a parent. We're parents.

I think we can find common ground.

Oh, yes. You know,

when our son was a baby,

he bothered us day and night.

Well, he was always... Well, actually, no.

He was bothering a nanny.

We never saw much of him until he was 12.

[whoosh]

[snorting]

[neighs]

[neighs louder]

Shh! Pegasus, quiet!

Oh!

It's thankless,

ieing the mother of all monsters.

Yes, but the rewards are so wonderful.

No matter how trying they may be,

you still love them.

Well, our little casserole is just--

Casserole?

Haven't made one of those in a while.

Oh, tell us more

about your little monsters.

Oh, you don't want to hear

about my ungrateful kids,

believe me.

Hey, we're not going anywhere.

♪ I wouldn't kid ya ♪

♪ It's not easy being Echidna ♪

♪ The mother of all monsters ♪

♪ Is the toughest job to do ♪

Oh, you have no idea.

♪ You try to teach them wrong from right ♪

♪ The proper way to drool ♪

♪ You give the best years of your life ♪

♪ And hope they turn out cruel ♪

♪ But they don't make

Their supper squeal ♪

♪ By filing their fangs

Before every meal ♪

♪ It makes my black heart blue ♪

♪ What's a mother to do? ♪

♪ They eat in such a hurry ♪

♪ As if torture was a task ♪

♪ Just write to me sometimes!

I'm a mother! I worry! ♪

♪ Now, is that too much to ask? ♪

♪ From time to time,

They lose their heads ♪

♪ Forget to rip a town to shreds ♪

♪ And break all bones in two ♪

♪ What's a mother to do? ♪

♪ Why can't they stomp ♪

♪ And chortle like a monster should ♪

♪ Instead of romping merrily

Through the woods? ♪

It's embarrassing!

♪ They don't like grrr-ing

When they're stirring up ♪

♪ The Greeks in a stinkpot stew ♪

♪ When will they get a clue ♪

♪ On how to spit and spew? ♪

♪ Oy, vai, I'm asking you ♪

♪ What's a mother to do? ♪

Hercules!

You! What have you got against my family?

Ugh!

I won't let you eat

the greatest parents

a guy could ever have!

Aah!

[squealing]

That's my boy!

Show that beast who's boss, son!

Come on! Let's get out of here!

Pegasus? Boy?

[growling]

Ha! Sic 'em, baby!

[snarling]

Ahh!

[snarling]

[gasping]

Ugh!

Oh! Waaa!

Waa! Waa! Oh!

Look! His mouth!

Oh! Aah! Ooh!

Oh, my precious.

What's wrong with you, baby?

That baby's teething!

Oh, more good news.

[squealing]

[snorting]

You know, I wondered what

had him so fussy and cranky.

I guess I won't be needing this now.

Whew! Because you're letting us go?

No, because now my baby's

ready for grown-up food!

Whoa!

Son, no matter what happens,

you'll always be a hero to us.

Can't you make her a cash offer?

Well, I've tried,

But she's not interested in gold.

Oh, she is a monster!

-Ooh! Aah!

-Oh!

Is it soup yet, huh?

I like soup!

Clam up, Vic! We're all going to die!

Ugh!

Oh, needs spice.

[sneezing]

And bring to a boil!

Ha ha! Love it!

[neighing]

Oh, is baby hungry?

I suppose one bite

won't ruin your appetite.

They say wonder boys help build

strong bodies 12 ways.

[snarling]

[neighing]

[growling]

Ah-ah-ah-choo!

[snorting]

Huh?

Aah!

All right!

Come on! Let's ruin dinner!

[snap]

Waa!

Start running! I'll distract her!

Oh, what's the use? Game over, man!

Stick a fork in us. We're done.

We can make it. Follow me!

[growling]

Ugh!

[whoosh]

[grunts]

-[clank]

-Ow! You little--

[neighs]

[snap]

Waa! Waa!

Oh, shh!

Oh, mama's big Ladon.

They're only your baby fangs.

You'll get your grown-up fangs

soon enough.

And then you can eat Hercules!

This time, she's really steamed!

Don't worry, son. I have a plan.

[thunder crashes]

Huh?

Oh, good plan, dear!

I was going to make

a lasso out of my belt,

but the lightning thing--

that was good, too.

[Zeus] Thanks. I try.

Father! What are you doing here?

I forwarded your invitation

to Amphitryon and Alcmena.

You did? Why?

Because you ought to be proud

of your mortal parents, son,

and treasure them

as they treasure you because--

Because if you forget where you came from,

you can't know where you're going.

Good one! You know, Hercules,

you've got a marvelous Pop there.

I do know.

I've got the best two dads

a demigod could ask for.

Now, show your folks a good time.

I have to go teach a lesson about hubris.

Catch you later!

I hereby announce

the reign of King Adonis!

King Adonis?

Daddums? Mumsie?

You're back!

I was worried sick.

[Zeus] That's for getting

too big for your toga!

You have been a bad boy, Adonis.

Perhaps we should take away

your royal yacht privileges.

And give your servants

a fortnight's vacation.

On the royal yacht.

Ooh!

Vic! Evelyn!

Mom! Dad!

How about a hug, huh?

Please, life's too short.

The horror! The horror!

I love you guys.

Mom, Pop, how would you like

a first-class tour of the academy?

What are we waiting for?

Does your school always look like this?

Ha! Just since I enrolled!

[theme music playing]