Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[Bob, narrating] Let us consider

the special role of the hero.

Heroes occupy a unique place

in this world and beyond.

Their private corner of the underworld

is the Elysian Fields.

In the pastoral splendor

of the Elysian Fields,

heroes enjoy the endless

golden hours of eternity--

[woman] Hold it!

Sounds like you're talking about

some boring cruise ship.

Honey, the Elysian Fields

is the place heroes go to party!

[Bob] Do you mind?

I'm trying to make this

a distinguished presentation.

Honey, go on sit your

distinguished butt down.

We'll show you how to sell it.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Because you've earned

A hero's reputation ♪

♪ You deserve an extra long vacation ♪

♪ The best eternal rest and relaxation ♪

♪ Elysian Fields ♪

[Hades] I can see it.

I can smell it.

But I can't touch it!

The ritziest country club in the universe

-is just a brimstone's throw away...

-[clang]

...and it's restricted.

Yeah! Too bad Zeus set it up

so you can never go in!

Uh, did I say "too bad"?

Oh, I-I meant it's a crying shame.

An affront to the very cosmos?

Mind the store, boys. I'm going upstairs.

Ooh.

[Icarus] Ah, I love the night life!

People from near and far

joining together in a public forum

with one common goal--

to ignore us completely.

[Cassandra] Oh, look.

It's Helen--

The face most likely to launch

an international conflict.

Hi, kids!

[all talking at once]

Hi, Helen.

[laughs] Like she really heard you.

Ah, to bask in your prickly cynicism,

my sweet.

It gladdens my heart to sit with you.

Not with me-- near me.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Whoo!

I'm not kidding.

[Adonis] Helen, my dear.

Forsake these commoners

and come ride with the royal me.

Oh, you're sweet, Adonis,

but I gave my attendants the night off.

How would I get my chariot home?

[man ] Me! I'll do it!

I'll drive you home.

You see? Throw some nobody a bone.

Oh, Daddy would just have kittens

if I entrusted my chariot to anyone

without a spotless driving record.

[gasps and chuckles]

Oh, Hercules! Natch!

And the forecast for tonight is perky.

Oh, you're a dear.

Drive safely.

I can't. Uh, the--

The truth is, I don't have

a driver's license.

[all gasping]

That is a stunning admission,

even for a loser such as yourself.

Well, I'm sure you have many

other nice qualities.

Oh, come on.

I can't be the only one here

without a license.

Can I?

But I-- I've got a flying horse.

Am I supposed to be impressed?

Because I'm not... in the slightest.

I, uh, I'm planning to get

my license... tomorrow.

Since when?

Since now.

Ohh.

[Adonis] Oh, really?

I believe the temple of moving vehicles

closes at sunset.

So you'll have a license

by that time tomorrow?

Definitely.

Then bring it here.

Oh, I will.

-[laughs] See you at sunset.

-[horse neighs]

Oh, you will.

Hoo!

My man Herc, right here.

Mr. Confident.

You don't know how to drive, do you?

Not even a clue.

Hey, Zeus!

Hey, how are ya, huh?

It's been too long.

You don't call, you don't write.

-Hey.

-Hades.

G'day, mate. How are things "down under"?

Ha! "Down under!" get it?

Lightning wit, as usual. Great.

Sit down. Give your flame a rest.

Nectar? Ambrosia?

Gives me gas.

OK, let me cut right to the chase.

You know the Elysian Fields?

I got a little development

brewing there, OK?

Kind of a, uh, time share.

Actually, I wouldn't share.

It would be all mine.

But you understand the concept. OK.

And I know you're a busy god,

so I was wondering,

you just might want to transfer

title to me.

Just a little autograph,

and then, boom, I'm outta your hair.

Whaddya say?

But it's supposed to be

the blissful refuge of heroes.

Yeah, the happiest place under earth.

I know.

[Zeus] There goes Apollo.

Right on schedule.

ou can set your watch by that guy.

Yeah, people do, actually.

Oh.

It's time for the morning Hercules report,

your mightiness.

Take a number, twinkle toes.

I'm doing a little negotiating here.

Chill out, Hades.

Ha! Look at that!

I should make a wish!

How about a death wish?

One day to learn to drive? Sheesh!

OK, kid, let's start with the basics.

You gotta evaluate the situation,

and always look both ways!

Whoo-hoo!

Waah!

[both groaning]

Kid! Kid! You're losing points for this!

OK, this is a good time

to talk about passing.

[neighs]

[Philoctetes] All right, listen up.

The key is to be confident, but relaxed.

[gasps]

Whoa!

-Oof! Aah!

-Ooh!

Kid, watch out!

Yaaaah!

[all groaning]

Yah! Get outta the way!

[bowling pins fall]

Maybe you should stick

to the flying horse.

[neighs]

So, now, he's only got until sunset

to pass his driver's test.

[scoffs] Isn't that just too wacky?

I'll go out on a limb here

and just kind of predict that

my dear nephew blows it... badly.

For your information, Hades,

what Hercules sets out to do, he does.

Oh, flawlessly, I'm sure,

but, you know, still.

You know, I'm thinking,

maybe you'd care to make a little wager.

You mean bet on my son

to complete a nearly impossible task?

In a heartbeat.

Hey-hey! Fabulous!

I'll take some of that action.

You know, we'll need some stakes, though,

just to, you know, make it interesting.

Hmm, let's see.

Ooh, you know, here's an idea.

If junior doesn't get that

license by sunset,

uh, you give me Elysian Fields.

What do you say?

That's outrageous!

Ooh, deal me out.

Fine, fine. Say no more.

You don't have that kind of confidence

in the little tyke.

I understand.

After all, he's only human... mostly.

You're on!

Oh, and Zeus, ha ha,

You know, anybody could do this

with your help.

Why, Hades, I would never dream

of interfering.

Uh-huh.

OK, good. Oh, and Hermes,

you stick there, too, OK?

OK, gents. Catch you later.

If you need me, hey, I'll be packing.

Ha!

-What?

-What?

Whatever it takes,

You make sure that kid flunks

that driving test.

Capisce?

Pardon our ignorance...

Your vengefulness...

But didn't Zeus swear to stay out of it?

He did, actually. I didn't.

Get it?

Oh, when he's bad...

He's very bad.

[laughter]

Next stop-- the road to ruin!

The detour of doom!

The, um... jinx of the "Spinx."

It's Sphinx, and we're doing alliteration,

not rhymes!

Get to work, jerk.

You guys are the greatest

to come along and help me cram.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

OK, you're traveling

on the road from Athens to Sparta.

How many horse lengths must you remain

behind the chariot in front of you?

[Pain] Sorry, folks!

Road closed for repairs.

Your tax drachmas at work.

But we've got to get

to the temple of moving vehicles--

Fast!

That side road

will get you there in a jiffy.

-[horse neighs]

-And the views are lovely.

Thanks.

Happy trails!

Hercules.

Say hi to the "Spinx" for us.

[laughter]

[Icarus] Hmm. what does that sign mean?

Herc, Mister I-Memorized

the-Entire-T.M.V.-Manual,

lay it on me, baby.

It's a creature with the wings of a bird

and the body of a lion!

Buddy, you are ready!

It's coming right at us!

[all yelling]

[screaming]

Please, we mean you no harm.

We're just passing through.

Not anymore.

You're here...

to have fun!

Welcome to the Riddle of the Sphinx!

and now, here's your host,

Sphinx Martindale!

[applause]

Ha ha ha. Thank you, bony.

The rules of our game

couldn't be any simpler.

I ask just one question.

Right answer wins you

freedom and fabulous prizes.

Wrong answer and you lose... your lives!

-Ahhh!

-[laughing evilly]

[cheering and applause]

Hey, welcome back, everybody!

Let's take a minute to meet

today's player.

Hi there. What's your name?

Uh... Hercules?

Well, Hercules,

I'd introduce

some former contestants, but...

I've eaten them all!

[laughter]

But enough chitchat. Here we go.

And the killer question is,

what is it that a man does standing up,

a lady does sitting down,

and a dog does on three legs?

Uh...

Can I have a goodbye hug?

Grow up.

[imitates buzzer] All right--

man does it standing up,

woman sitting down, dog on three legs.

Your answer, please.

A goodbye handshake?

-Shake hands.

-[buzzer]

Oh, I'm sorry!

But for being such a good sport,

You get instant death

and the Sphinx home ga--

What did you say?

Shake hands.

That's right.

Nobody's ever gotten it right before.

[dejectedly] OK, Bony,

tell him what he's won.

Glad to, Sphinx.

Hercules, you'll be leaving in style

in a brand-new chariot!

How convenient.

Aah.

[Hades humming]

♪ There's no place like home ♪

Big house, no fireplace, heh?

Enough's enough.

Do you know what I'm saying?

It's a wrap, boss.

Nobody's ever beaten Sphinx Martindale.

[chuckles]

Yeah, Herc's as good as dead!

Just a little bungalow for moi?

[laughs] Herc's as good as dead,

so let me just ask you a question.

If Hercules were dead...

don't you think I'd be the first to know?

Um... You mean because you're the,

uh, lord of the dead?

Duh.

Maybe we'll just go... double-check.

Ah!

[Hercules] Look out!

Ho, mama!

We're all gonna die!

[crying] We're all gonna die!

Whoa, I say!

-[horse neighs]

-[siren wails]

Uh-oh. Busted.

[sighs] A speed trap.

I should have foreseen it coming.

Just let me do the talking.

[whinnies]

Teenagers out joyriding.

I've seen it a million times.

Tough luck, kids.

Driver's licenses.

[whistling]

I don't have one. [chuckles nervously]

Actually, we're on our way to get it now!

Not anymore.

Driving is a privilege,

not a right, my young friends,

And you just lost it.

I'll have triple alpha

send out a tow wagon.

Have a nice day.

Thanks. You, too!

[whinnies]

Where's Herc?

Did he get his license yet?

And a gracious hello to you, too, Hermes.

No time, Philicimo.

Uh, why aren't you with the kid?

He's gotta learn.

Never promise something you can't deliver.

That's rookie mistake number one.

Ohh.

Uh, ixnay, babe.

So, they taunted him, they teased him.

Only a sucker falls for that.

Open mouth, insert hoof.

I mean, I'm doing

the best I can with the kid.

But somebody should have

taught him the basics--

Somebody like...

Ahem!

...his father.

The big guy bet Hades that Herc

would come through by sunset.

Winner gets control over

the Elysian Fields.

And my boy is a winner...

Right, coach?

One hundred percent! Tell you what.

Why don't I just go find the kid

and assist him in his efforts...

Your Majesty?

[neighs]

[all groaning]

Oh, no!

This line will take forever!

I say we speed things up.

So the kid can fail... Right?

[chuckles]

Uh, excuse me, Mister Last-in-Line. Hello!

Me?

Yes, you. Come on down!

I know this stuff. I can do it.

Um, uh, if you're, like,

you know, driving along

and there's, uh,

a little baby lying in the road,

uh, what should you do?

Coffee break, guys. Take 10.

You mean coffee's free in this place?

I think there's some baklava left, too.

[whooshing]

What a cushy job! [chuckles]

A break already and we only just started.

I know.

We didn't even finish

giving Herc's test to--

Hercules, pass.

Ohh.

Proceed outside where you'll be met

by your road-test examiner--

City state trooper Chipacles.

[gulps] Heh.

The rules of the road can save your life.

Know them, embrace them.

Now, stand up straight.

Hands on the reins at 10:00 and 2:00.

Before pulling out into traffic,

you will do what?

Uh, l-look around to make sure it's safe?

Do it!

[horse neighs]

Aha! There's the little student driver.

We gotta stop him before Hades finds out

how close he came to getting that license!

[Hades clearing throat] Hello.

Hades! [panting]

We were just... talking about you!

And, uh, how much we missed

your bold leadership

and inspiration...

I'm not wrong here, am I?

But I finally get a chance to beat

Mr. Every-Which-Way-But-Zeus,

And you can't even do this one,

flaming thing!

Ha.

-Ooh.

-Ooh.

-Ohh.

-Ohh.

My fault. [chuckles]

Never send a man to do a god's job.

Whoa!

And I thought the written test was tough!

Whoa.

Signal. Signal!

Ten and Two. Ten and Two.

Check your blind spot.

Check your blind spot.

Come to a complete stop before making--

[both screaming]

Good afternoon, racing fans.

The sky is clear, the track is fast,

and the flame-injected,

hero-burning funny car

is coming in on the final turn!

[both chuckle]

Now... watch me take the checkered flag.

Whoa! What have I done?

Whoa! Wow.

[grunting] uh-oh.

[horse neighs]

[sighs] The kid is totaled.

Hades gets the victory and...

the Elysian Fields.

See ya in the winners' circle, boys.

Ha!

[groaning]

[groaning]

Phil's right.

I never should have opened my mouth.

Now I'll have nothing to show Adonis.

[Philoctetes]

That's not the worst of it, kid.

Phil! Pegasus!

[sighs] Am I happy to see you two!

Yeah, yeah. Feeling's mutual.

Listen close.

You have got to get that license today,

and we're losing our light.

Look, Bureaucrates,

a friend has to get his license today.

Teenage pride is at stake,

not to mention cosmic balance.

How about it?

Hmm. Unh-unh.

The sun is about to set...

But I will not allow this temple to close!

I will not be moved!

[chain rattles]

[inhales sharply]

I have to go to the bathroom.

Sir, is there any way

you can bend the rules--

just this once?

I don't care if you're the son of Zeus...

As a matter of fact--

...rules are rules.

The T.M.V. closes when Apollo

pulls his chariot across the sky

and that life-giving orb we call the sun

sets for another day,

which is right about now.

[sighs deeply]

Huh.

[neighs]

[whispering indistinctly]

Hey, don't go away!

Um, Mr. Apollo, my name is Hercules.

I-I think you know my father, Zeus.

If I could just take

one moment of your time.

Time to go ho-- Huh?

[screeching]

Hmm. My watch stopped.

Actually, the sun stopped.

Pegasus, proceed at a speed safe

for current conditions!

[whistles] Hey, hey. Nice wheels, kid.

A rental?

When Apollo heard how Hades cheated,

he wanted to give me a fighting chance.

How about another shot, sir?

The sun hasn't set yet.

Why not?

I'm a shoot-from-the-hip kind of guy.

[Hades] W-w-w-w-what?

He stopped the sunset?

Right before he g-g-got his license.

Maybe Zeus will go double or nothing.

[Zeus] Oh, Hades!

[chuckles] Nice.

I'm not the kind of god

to say, "I told you so,"

but... I told you so!

[laughing]

Maybe we should just

redecorate this place.

Huh? [chuckles nervously]

I'm getting a crick in my neck.

Well, I think it's lovely.

[horse neighs]

-[creaks]

-Wha--

Ha ha ha!

Anybody need a lift?

[gasps] Wow!

[chuckles nervously]

Maybe some other time.

Gotta run. I promised

to have it back by sunset--

Well, for sunset, if you know what I mean.

See ya!

[upbeat music plays]

♪ Never bet against a hero ♪

♪ 'Cause as sure as the sun will shine ♪

♪ He'll please the gods ♪

♪ Beat the odds ♪

♪ All in the nick of time ♪

Sphynx baby, it was a great riddle

[theme music playing]