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♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪
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♪ Hercules ♪
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♪ Whose daring deeds are great theatre? ♪
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♪ Hercules ♪
5
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♪ Is he bold? ♪
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♪ No one braver ♪
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♪ Is he sweet? ♪
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♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪
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-♪ What a guy ♪-♪ Hercules ♪
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-♪ Ask his friends ♪-♪ Hercules ♪
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♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
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-♪ Hercules ♪-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
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♪ Hercules ♪
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♪ Hercules ♪
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-♪ Come on ♪-♪ No one's fool ♪
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♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪
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♪ He's in trainin' ♪
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♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
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♪ And the nicest guy ♪
20
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♪ No complainin' ♪
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♪ He was a no one ♪
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♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪
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♪ He's our hero ♪
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♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪
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♪ From zero to hero ♪
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♪ Herc is a hero ♪
27
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♪ He'll be a hero ♪
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Wait and see!
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[Bob reading]
30
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The city-state of Athens,
31
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domain of Athena, goddess of wisdom.
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The luminous jewel of Grecian culture,
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home of great architecture,theater, philosophy,
34
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and the ten-for-a-drachma pita special.
35
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Everyone loves Athens.
36
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Everyone, that is, except Sparta--
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A vicious haven of hotheadsruled by Ares, the god of war.
38
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:33,917
For generations,Sparta and Athens have been sworn enemies.
39
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The question is, why?
40
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What was it that keptthese two great city-states at odds?
41
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For cryin' out loud.
42
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That's no unsolved mystery, baby.
43
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Yeah. It's not like
it's the secret of the ages.
44
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It's because Athena and Ares
hate each other.
45
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♪ She's smart as a whip ♪
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♪ He's not bad as a Titan ♪
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♪ On a rivalry trip ♪
48
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♪ Always fussin' and fightin' ♪
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♪ From the timeThey were waddlin', toddlin' gods ♪
50
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♪ These quibbling siblingsWere always at odds ♪
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♪ They're dueling deities ♪
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♪ Dueling deities ♪
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♪ She's all over Athens ♪
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♪ He's special in Sparta ♪
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♪ He's badder in battle ♪
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♪ She's wiser and smarter ♪
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♪ They're dueling deities ♪
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♪ Dueling deities ♪
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♪ Shaking down the family tree ♪
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♪ He's Ares ♪
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♪ She's Athena ♪
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♪ They're dueling deities ♪
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Could you hurry this up, Hephaestus?
It's hot as Hades in here!
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00:02:49,792 --> 00:02:51,625
What's going on? Why are you stopping?
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Work, man, work!
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Can do.
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[clunks]
68
00:02:57,875 --> 00:03:01,083
Oooh. Quit clowning around, Heph.
69
00:03:01,166 --> 00:03:02,750
I need this firepower!
70
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:05,291
What about those iron cudgels I made you?
71
00:03:05,375 --> 00:03:07,792
Oh, well, they were very... uh...
72
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You know, cudgel-ly!
73
00:03:09,583 --> 00:03:12,208
But I need this weapon
to be the ultimate--
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The most ruinous force
the cosmos has ever seen.
75
00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:17,291
I'm talking about a real hair-curling,
76
00:03:17,375 --> 00:03:21,709
head-bashing, bone-crunching,
manly weapon!
77
00:03:21,792 --> 00:03:24,458
"Manly weapon," you say?
78
00:03:24,542 --> 00:03:26,709
Check-- I'm looking for a real
79
00:03:26,792 --> 00:03:29,792
meat-and-potatoes kind
of destruction device here.
80
00:03:29,875 --> 00:03:32,041
Unh-unh-unh. No bolts, Ares.
81
00:03:32,125 --> 00:03:35,083
I make them under exclusive
contract for Zeus.
82
00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:36,166
Yeah, yeah, I know.
83
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,333
But I want something
just as one-of-a-kind.
84
00:03:38,417 --> 00:03:39,291
Something that says,
85
00:03:39,375 --> 00:03:42,542
"Congratulations,
you've just been slaughtered
86
00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:45,542
by Ares, the God of War."
87
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:46,709
[sighs]
88
00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:49,917
There.
It is finished.
89
00:03:51,917 --> 00:03:55,375
Finally, I-- [screams]
90
00:03:55,458 --> 00:03:58,834
Oooh! Oh! Oh! Aah! Aah!
91
00:03:59,917 --> 00:04:01,959
Careful. It's a bit warm.
92
00:04:04,333 --> 00:04:07,917
Hello. What have we here?
93
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,667
I call it "The Armageddon Bow."
94
00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:12,917
Hmmm. Armageddon?
95
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,000
Kind of an egghead word, but--
96
00:04:15,083 --> 00:04:16,041
[sighs]
97
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:17,792
Doesn't matter. This feels good.
98
00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:20,041
Where are my Armageddon arrows?
99
00:04:20,582 --> 00:04:22,250
You don't need arrows.
100
00:04:22,332 --> 00:04:23,959
Ha! Get out!
101
00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:27,582
W-- W-- don't! W-- W-- Wait!
102
00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:36,500
I like it!
103
00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:42,000
Hephaestus, I have a few dents
I need tapped out of me shield.
104
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,582
Oh. Hello, brother.
105
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,542
Goodbye, sister. [evil laugh]
106
00:04:47,625 --> 00:04:49,417
Hyah! Hyah!
107
00:04:50,792 --> 00:04:52,709
He ran out of cudgels?
108
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,959
Heh-heh. It's a secret.
109
00:04:55,041 --> 00:04:57,709
Weapon? Thank you, Hephaestus.
110
00:04:57,792 --> 00:04:59,125
[chuckles]
111
00:04:59,207 --> 00:05:02,458
So, my brother has a secret weapon.
112
00:05:02,542 --> 00:05:04,166
You didn't hear it from me.
113
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Twit.
114
00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:06,625
No comment.
115
00:05:06,709 --> 00:05:09,458
I don't get in the middle
of these family squabbles.
116
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[Hercules] OK, everybody,
remember we're parked in "muse."
117
00:05:15,125 --> 00:05:17,917
[Icarus] A night at the amphitheater.
118
00:05:19,207 --> 00:05:22,667
Ah! What'll it be? Comedy or tragedy?
119
00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:25,834
Um, three students
and one satyr for "Troy story."
120
00:05:25,917 --> 00:05:27,082
[man] Sorry. That was last week.
121
00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:28,582
Sophocles' Choice.
122
00:05:28,667 --> 00:05:29,750
Zephyrus Gump.
123
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Acropolis Now! Acropolis Now!
124
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:34,667
Uh, OK, um, Acropolis Now please.
125
00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:37,375
Phil says, "Jump," Herc says, "How high?"
126
00:05:37,457 --> 00:05:39,792
He's just a tool of the goatman.
127
00:05:39,875 --> 00:05:42,959
Hey, I'm a hero in training.
I have to listen to my coach.
128
00:05:43,041 --> 00:05:44,207
That's right, kid.
129
00:05:44,291 --> 00:05:48,834
Hero rule number 2-2-6,
a hero does what he's told.
130
00:05:48,917 --> 00:05:52,166
[chuckles]
But Herc is also a teenager.
131
00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:54,082
And teen rule number one
132
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is never do anything that you're told!
133
00:05:57,375 --> 00:06:00,125
Um, could you hurry?
We're missing the show.
134
00:06:00,208 --> 00:06:02,500
No, we're not. The show's out here!
135
00:06:03,542 --> 00:06:05,959
Icarus? Cassandra?
136
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,959
Uh, Phil, what's going on?
137
00:06:18,291 --> 00:06:19,792
Olympus calling.
138
00:06:20,917 --> 00:06:25,291
It is I, Athena, goddess of wisdom.
139
00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:28,331
Wow! What play are you going to?
140
00:06:28,332 --> 00:06:29,959
That's not why I'm here.
141
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:31,625
He knew that! Careful, kid.
142
00:06:31,709 --> 00:06:34,250
Athena is not one of the fun gods.
143
00:06:34,332 --> 00:06:35,834
Oh! [laughing] Hercules!
144
00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:37,709
Look at how you've sprouted up!
145
00:06:37,792 --> 00:06:41,125
It seems like only yesterday
you were just a divine little tot.
146
00:06:41,207 --> 00:06:42,542
[chuckles] Yeah.
147
00:06:42,625 --> 00:06:45,291
Time flies when you're half mortal.
148
00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:48,709
Hmmm. Maybe she just gets
a bad rap in the press.
149
00:06:48,792 --> 00:06:50,959
Philoctetes. Pleased to meet you.
150
00:06:51,041 --> 00:06:52,917
You will not speak unless spoken to.
151
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,542
-Check.
-Hercules, I have chosen you.
152
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,375
Chosen? Really?
153
00:06:58,457 --> 00:07:01,083
Whoa. Sacrifice or mission?
154
00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:03,375
It is a mission. And not another word!
155
00:07:03,458 --> 00:07:05,542
-OK! OK! I-- I was just--
-Zip it.
156
00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:11,000
Hercules, I know
of your quest to become a hero.
157
00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:12,125
You-- You do?
158
00:07:12,208 --> 00:07:13,667
Oh, yes.
159
00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:16,291
And helping me will help you.
160
00:07:16,375 --> 00:07:18,166
Oh! You got it! Oh, I mean, uh,
161
00:07:18,250 --> 00:07:20,834
wise Athena, I await your bidding.
162
00:07:20,917 --> 00:07:23,000
His attitude, I like.
163
00:07:24,332 --> 00:07:26,750
My brother, Ares,
164
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:29,834
has had Hephaestus
forge a secret weapon.
165
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,417
If I know Ares-- and I do--
166
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:34,582
he's taking it to the Spartans.
167
00:07:34,667 --> 00:07:38,250
You, Hercules, must infiltrate Sparta
168
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,291
and destroy the secret weapon.
169
00:07:41,375 --> 00:07:43,875
Whoa! Going behind the olive curtain?
170
00:07:43,959 --> 00:07:45,542
He's still pretty green!
171
00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:49,250
This is why you,
Philoctetes, shall go with.
172
00:07:49,332 --> 00:07:51,750
Oy. I should have kept it zipped.
173
00:07:57,332 --> 00:07:59,000
Hey! Where you going?
174
00:07:59,082 --> 00:08:00,625
Hero stuff. Hush-hush.
175
00:08:00,709 --> 00:08:02,250
Uh, what Phil said.
176
00:08:02,333 --> 00:08:03,792
Tool of the goatman.
177
00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:05,750
Tool of the goatman.
178
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:09,000
Exchange, give me Sophocles' Choice,
179
00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:11,375
and Zephyrus Gump for the lump here.
180
00:08:17,125 --> 00:08:19,125
-Synchronize sundials.
-Night.
181
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,792
-[Philoctetes] Check.
-[grumbles]
182
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Rendezvous at 0500.
183
00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:24,207
[neighs happily]
184
00:08:24,291 --> 00:08:27,582
OK, rookie. Just like we rehearsed.
Hit it!
185
00:08:41,542 --> 00:08:42,792
[whistles]
186
00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:46,083
[groaning]
187
00:08:46,165 --> 00:08:47,458
[yells]
188
00:08:47,542 --> 00:08:49,333
[scoffs] Nice dismount.
189
00:08:49,417 --> 00:08:50,875
Work on the landing.
190
00:08:52,625 --> 00:08:56,083
Now all we have to do
is find the secret weapon.
191
00:08:56,165 --> 00:08:57,500
Like that's gonna be easy.
192
00:08:57,583 --> 00:08:59,583
We don't even know where to start looking!
193
00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:01,417
How about that over there?
194
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:03,500
-Shh!
-Shh!
195
00:09:04,291 --> 00:09:05,625
-Shh!
-Shh!
196
00:09:06,625 --> 00:09:07,792
-Shh!
-Shh!
197
00:09:09,125 --> 00:09:10,583
-Shh!
-Shh!
198
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,458
-Shh!
-Shh!
199
00:09:13,542 --> 00:09:15,333
-Shh!
-Shh!
200
00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:18,041
Spartans, why don't
they just carry a big sign
201
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,083
that says "secret weapon"?
202
00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:23,250
OK. Plan Alpha. Here's what we do.
203
00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:25,417
We go... [indistinct mumbling]
204
00:09:28,166 --> 00:09:30,208
Are you sure that'll work?
205
00:09:30,291 --> 00:09:32,709
Hey! Hero rule number 2-2-6?
206
00:09:32,792 --> 00:09:35,250
Right. Right. You're the coach, coach.
207
00:09:35,333 --> 00:09:36,667
Well said.
208
00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:40,040
-Shh!
-Shh!
209
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:44,458
Whoa!
210
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:45,667
-[thuds]
-[Hercules] Aah!
211
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:48,458
OK. On to plan Beta.
212
00:09:49,959 --> 00:09:51,875
Aaaaaah!
213
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,625
-[thuds]
-[groans]
214
00:09:55,709 --> 00:09:57,333
Plan Gamma.
215
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,125
[trumpets]
216
00:10:02,208 --> 00:10:03,208
Aaaah!
217
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:06,834
[Philoctetes] OK, plan Delta. Go! Go!
218
00:10:06,917 --> 00:10:08,041
Aaaah!
219
00:10:08,125 --> 00:10:09,000
[Philoctetes] Stop.
220
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,583
[Philoctetes] Try plan pi.
221
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:15,125
Up! Up!
222
00:10:16,041 --> 00:10:17,208
Down...
223
00:10:17,291 --> 00:10:18,375
[sighs] Oy.
224
00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:19,750
Plan Sigma.
225
00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:21,917
Watch out for that... tree!
226
00:10:23,583 --> 00:10:25,792
Come on, plan Omega!
227
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,208
[Hercules] Yow!
228
00:10:39,792 --> 00:10:44,250
Oy. We're out of time, and,
[sighs] I'm out of alphabet, kid.
229
00:10:44,333 --> 00:10:45,208
Kid?
230
00:10:46,125 --> 00:10:47,333
Kid! Whoa!
231
00:10:47,417 --> 00:10:48,834
Whoa! Whoa! Time out!
232
00:10:48,917 --> 00:10:50,834
A rookie can't call his own plays!
233
00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:52,750
Excuse me, sirs?
234
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:55,667
I'm going to have to ask you
to surrender now.
235
00:10:55,750 --> 00:10:57,208
All that training-- Pfft!
236
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,667
-[shouting]
-[gasps]
237
00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:04,375
[Spartans grunting]
238
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:06,917
[men yelling]
239
00:11:11,417 --> 00:11:12,750
Stee-rike!
240
00:11:13,166 --> 00:11:14,166
[grunts]
241
00:11:14,250 --> 00:11:16,959
Whoa! Whoa! Wh-o-o-o-oa!
242
00:11:18,583 --> 00:11:20,500
Ah-ha-ha! Yes! Yes!
243
00:11:20,583 --> 00:11:22,166
-[elephants trumpet]
-Huh?
244
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:24,959
Whaa!
245
00:11:26,291 --> 00:11:28,875
[groaning]
246
00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:32,250
Wh-o-o-o-o-oa!
247
00:11:35,208 --> 00:11:36,667
Uh... oops.
248
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:37,959
-Sorry, Phil.
-[groaning]
249
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,125
The box!
250
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:45,750
Greetings, my Spartans.
251
00:11:45,834 --> 00:11:50,333
It is I, Ares, your god of war,
your commander in chief,
252
00:11:50,417 --> 00:11:51,667
your-- What?
253
00:11:51,750 --> 00:11:54,125
Who's responsible for this carnage?
254
00:11:54,208 --> 00:11:56,125
Uh-oh. [gulps]
255
00:12:00,125 --> 00:12:02,041
I haven't seen mayhem like this
256
00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:04,000
since the Peloponnesian conflict.
257
00:12:04,083 --> 00:12:07,166
And you did all of this
just to get at this box?
258
00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:09,208
Yes, Ares. It was my duty.
259
00:12:10,583 --> 00:12:14,041
Hey! The high laundress
got out those bloodstains!
260
00:12:14,125 --> 00:12:15,250
That's your laundry?
261
00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:17,875
Anybody who kicks butt
on a whole battalion
262
00:12:17,959 --> 00:12:21,875
just to carry my laundry
is a-OK in my book. [laughs]
263
00:12:21,959 --> 00:12:22,834
Ugh!
264
00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:28,041
Wait! Wait! Herc!
265
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:29,333
Ooh!
266
00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:32,834
[Hercules] So, uh,
you were really impressed, huh?
267
00:12:32,917 --> 00:12:35,667
'Cause... [clears throat]
I'm-- I'm training to be, you know, uh--
268
00:12:35,750 --> 00:12:37,208
You're a natural-born warrior,
269
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,375
just like me-- strong, sweaty,
270
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:42,290
scant control of your own mighty paws.
271
00:12:42,375 --> 00:12:44,083
I-- I'm working on that.
272
00:12:44,165 --> 00:12:45,667
But you're just a newbie.
273
00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:46,667
Yeah.
274
00:12:46,750 --> 00:12:48,165
[Ares] Still angling for that big break
275
00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:50,542
that's gonna send you
to the top of the hot list.
276
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:53,083
-Yes!
-Well, today's your lucky day.
277
00:12:53,165 --> 00:12:55,040
-Now what's your name, sport?
-I'm Herc--
278
00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:56,375
Herc? Dumb name.
279
00:12:56,458 --> 00:12:59,250
You're now "Sport-- envoy of Ares."
280
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,542
Here.
Had Hephaestus whip this up.
281
00:13:02,625 --> 00:13:03,875
Handsome, eh?
282
00:13:03,959 --> 00:13:06,875
It's the Armageddon Bow,
rubble maker of the gods.
283
00:13:06,959 --> 00:13:09,166
Go ahead. Give it a try, sport.
284
00:13:09,291 --> 00:13:11,625
Oh, wow, but I-- I don't have any arrows.
285
00:13:11,709 --> 00:13:13,750
Did I say you needed arrows?
286
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:17,083
Look, you see that target range
on the other side of town?
287
00:13:17,166 --> 00:13:19,208
Uh... mmmm...
288
00:13:19,291 --> 00:13:20,208
Oh, yeah!
289
00:13:20,291 --> 00:13:21,875
Hit the middle one.
290
00:13:22,917 --> 00:13:24,041
Hey!
291
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,125
Oooh!
292
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:33,834
-Aaah!
-[neighs]
293
00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:38,458
Whoa.
294
00:13:38,542 --> 00:13:40,917
I said the middle target!
What's the matter with you?
295
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:41,875
You're fired!
296
00:13:41,959 --> 00:13:43,208
I am?
297
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:46,458
Nah. I'm just kidding. You're the tops.
298
00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:47,625
I am?
299
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:49,959
Come with me. You're officially chosen.
300
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,290
-I am?
-You wanna be a hero, don't you?
301
00:13:52,375 --> 00:13:55,040
I know that look, sport.
Don't try to kid me.
302
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,625
Oww! I mean, yeah!
303
00:13:56,709 --> 00:13:59,165
Because there's nothing like a war hero.
304
00:13:59,250 --> 00:14:01,166
They'll write epic poems about you,
305
00:14:01,250 --> 00:14:03,166
build gigantic monuments.
306
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:06,750
I'm telling you, sport-- it's the stuff.
307
00:14:07,834 --> 00:14:09,583
Oy.
308
00:14:09,667 --> 00:14:11,000
[grunts]
309
00:14:12,709 --> 00:14:14,166
Wait here, sport, while I change into my
310
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:15,834
"destroy Athens" armor.
311
00:14:15,917 --> 00:14:16,792
Athens?
312
00:14:16,875 --> 00:14:21,083
Yeah. That bow will turn Athens
into a vacant lot. [laughs]
313
00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:24,041
My know-it-all sister's
gonna be so peeved,
314
00:14:24,125 --> 00:14:25,917
she'll bust!
315
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,583
-But--
-No buts, sport.
316
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:31,166
-Yes, sir!
-That's what I like best about you, boy.
317
00:14:31,250 --> 00:14:32,458
You follow orders.
318
00:14:32,542 --> 00:14:34,458
You're perfect for this mission!
319
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:41,083
Oooh.
320
00:14:42,125 --> 00:14:43,625
Kid! What are you doing?
321
00:14:43,709 --> 00:14:46,125
I'm trying to sort out the particulars.
322
00:14:46,208 --> 00:14:48,750
Ares gave me a special mission, too.
323
00:14:48,834 --> 00:14:50,959
Perfecto! This'll look great on a resume,
324
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,875
any luck on the "secret weapon" front?
325
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:54,040
I got it right here.
326
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:56,250
Outstanding! A sweep!
327
00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:58,750
Ares told me to destroy Athens with it.
328
00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:01,375
Oh, ugh.
329
00:15:01,458 --> 00:15:03,458
What do I do?
I-- I've been chosen by two gods.
330
00:15:03,542 --> 00:15:05,125
I can't obey them both!
331
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:07,166
Let me think. Let me think.
OK, I got it.
332
00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:10,041
First you destroy Athens,
and then destroy the bow.
333
00:15:10,125 --> 00:15:11,583
-Phil!
-What am I thinkin'?
334
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:14,458
Of course you can't destroy Athens.
They'd kick you out of school.
335
00:15:14,542 --> 00:15:16,125
[woman] And he can't destroy the bow.
336
00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:17,166
Why not?
337
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,125
I didn't say anything.
338
00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:20,375
[woman] Kid, uh,
could you just move your fingers?
339
00:15:20,458 --> 00:15:21,959
I-- I can't see!
340
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:24,625
Aaah!
341
00:15:24,709 --> 00:15:25,792
Ooh!
342
00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:28,834
Ow! Don't do that!
343
00:15:30,208 --> 00:15:33,000
Uh, oh, I'm sorry, sir--
thing-- ma'am-- oh!
344
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:35,458
No, my fault-- laying waste
everything in sight
345
00:15:35,542 --> 00:15:37,375
isn't probably the best way
to make friends.
346
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:40,083
I-- I-- I-- I probably deserve
to be destroyed.
347
00:15:40,165 --> 00:15:41,834
OK, make it quick, OK?
348
00:15:41,917 --> 00:15:43,750
A good, solid snap should do it.
349
00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:46,208
What do I do, Phil? I can't destroy it--
350
00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:49,040
I mean, her. She talks!
351
00:15:49,125 --> 00:15:51,417
I never wanted to be a weapon of war.
I hate war!
352
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,125
Famine, pestilence, and death, too--
353
00:15:53,208 --> 00:15:54,917
All the horsemen, especially death.
354
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,875
What would war be without death? Sports!
355
00:15:56,959 --> 00:15:58,834
Pestilence would be widespread ickies.
356
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:01,000
And famine would be
just really slow service--
357
00:16:01,083 --> 00:16:03,083
Slow service and small portions,
358
00:16:03,166 --> 00:16:04,750
like those mushrooms stuffed with crab,
359
00:16:04,834 --> 00:16:06,750
but there's only one per person
and one left over
360
00:16:06,834 --> 00:16:08,208
that you have to split three ways,
361
00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:09,542
but you just end up mushing it,
362
00:16:09,625 --> 00:16:11,166
'cause mushroom
doesn't really cut that well.
363
00:16:11,250 --> 00:16:12,332
Break the bow, Herc!
364
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:15,083
I can't. What am I gonna do?
365
00:16:15,166 --> 00:16:18,208
Herc, honey, you're caught
between a rock and a hard place.
366
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:24,125
♪ You followed your orders ♪
367
00:16:24,208 --> 00:16:26,000
♪ Now what do you do? ♪
368
00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:31,834
♪ They're gonna makeA hero sandwich outta you ♪
369
00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:36,792
♪ You're stuck in a pickleCaught in a jam ♪
370
00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:39,750
♪ Gotta make up your own mind ♪
371
00:16:39,834 --> 00:16:44,709
♪ And stick to your plan ♪
372
00:16:44,792 --> 00:16:46,750
-Well?
-I don't know.
373
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,290
Boy, what I wouldn't give
for a good omen right about now.
374
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:51,290
An augur from the gods.
375
00:16:52,959 --> 00:16:56,083
What do you think, sport?
It's my stealth armor.
376
00:16:56,165 --> 00:16:57,709
Nice, huh?
377
00:16:57,834 --> 00:16:59,709
[Icarus] Oh, Herc, Herc, Herc!
378
00:16:59,792 --> 00:17:01,875
I have been looking all over for you.
379
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:04,834
Cassandra had a vision
that your cover's gonna be blown,
380
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:07,000
and that Ares-- Just a minute, hon.
-Icarus. Icarus.
381
00:17:07,083 --> 00:17:11,000
Ares will find out that
you're really a spy for Athena.
382
00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:13,583
Sport? A spy?
383
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,416
A spy for Athena!
384
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:19,791
I'll show you how we treat spies!
385
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,458
So this is how they treat spies in Sparta.
386
00:17:26,541 --> 00:17:28,290
Weird, huh?
387
00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:30,959
Ha! Well, color me unimpressed.
388
00:17:31,041 --> 00:17:33,417
Execution at dawn is pretty unoriginal.
389
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,959
[Cassandra] They seem to have found
a new wrinkle.
390
00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:37,125
Pull!
391
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,208
Ah, the old man's still frosty.
392
00:17:42,291 --> 00:17:44,333
OK, boys. Load up a live one.
393
00:17:46,125 --> 00:17:47,834
-[Pegasus neighing]
-Don't worry, Pegasus.
394
00:17:47,917 --> 00:17:49,291
We're not through yet!
395
00:17:49,375 --> 00:17:50,792
Soon... but not yet.
396
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,792
This'll be fun-- sending you to Hades
397
00:17:54,875 --> 00:17:57,125
with the same weapon you tried to steal.
398
00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:58,792
Ha! That's irony!
399
00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:01,625
Actually, that's poetic justice.
400
00:18:01,709 --> 00:18:04,291
Irony is the difference between
what is expected to happen
401
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,542
and what actually happens.
402
00:18:05,625 --> 00:18:08,875
It doesn't provide the emotional
closure you're talking about.
403
00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:11,291
What? You-- it--
my secret weapon talks--
404
00:18:11,375 --> 00:18:12,875
Like a girl!
405
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:15,208
OK. Everybody's on the same page now.
406
00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:17,500
Question is-- why did I
have to be a talking bow?
407
00:18:17,583 --> 00:18:19,208
I should have been a talking zither.
408
00:18:19,291 --> 00:18:21,625
I could have zithered
till the cows come home.
409
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:25,291
[echoing] Hephaestus!
410
00:18:25,375 --> 00:18:28,250
[chuckles] Girl bow.
411
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:31,166
[chuckles] I kill myself.
412
00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:33,417
All right, bow. Lock and load.
413
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:37,291
That won't hit him. Aim a little higher.
No, lower. More sideways.
414
00:18:37,375 --> 00:18:39,750
O-- Other way, other way.
Bet you can't do it with your eyes--
415
00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:41,500
[muffled talking]
416
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:43,667
Less talk, more shoot.
417
00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:44,709
Ow!
418
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,417
Just watch the hands, buster.
419
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,208
I would like to terminate
some prisoners here.
420
00:18:50,291 --> 00:18:52,500
I'm told, but I'm not sold.
421
00:18:52,583 --> 00:18:54,333
Would you-- Pull!
422
00:18:54,917 --> 00:18:57,208
Aaaaaah!
423
00:18:57,291 --> 00:18:58,709
[neighing]
424
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:01,125
[straining]
425
00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:03,041
Huh?
426
00:19:03,125 --> 00:19:06,125
Flap, man! Flap!
427
00:19:06,208 --> 00:19:08,792
[scoffs] Yeah, that'll work.
428
00:19:08,875 --> 00:19:12,667
Wow! Is this what it's like
to fly, Icarus?
429
00:19:12,750 --> 00:19:13,583
Aaaaah!
430
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:15,834
Yeah, that was pretty much it.
Course, I got more sun.
431
00:19:15,917 --> 00:19:17,792
[neighing]
432
00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:26,208
Oh, I love a hard target.
433
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:28,583
And, sport, you don't disappoint.
434
00:19:34,542 --> 00:19:35,458
Kid!
435
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:39,500
My temple! I blasted my own temple!
436
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:43,375
See? Now, that's irony.
437
00:19:44,041 --> 00:19:46,375
-[choking]
-Huh?
438
00:19:47,125 --> 00:19:48,417
Uhh!
439
00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:51,250
[grunting, breathing heavily]
440
00:19:51,333 --> 00:19:52,834
How'd I do, coach?
441
00:19:52,917 --> 00:19:56,041
Beautiful dismount.
The landing's still-- eeeh.
442
00:19:56,125 --> 00:19:59,417
Ugh. That's my bow, sport!
443
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,750
I command you to hand it over!
444
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,834
Fear not, young hero!
445
00:20:03,917 --> 00:20:05,625
You have done well.
446
00:20:05,709 --> 00:20:09,875
And now I shall lay waste
to my brother's city-state.
447
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,166
You and what army?
448
00:20:11,250 --> 00:20:14,542
Some pack of chess-playing
Athenian eggheads? Ha!
449
00:20:14,625 --> 00:20:16,625
Actually, I plan to use
the Armageddon Bow.
450
00:20:16,709 --> 00:20:19,000
No can do. That's my secret weapon.
451
00:20:19,083 --> 00:20:21,000
Possession is 9/10 of the law.
452
00:20:21,125 --> 00:20:23,125
And my minion possesses it.
453
00:20:23,208 --> 00:20:24,834
He was my minion, too.
454
00:20:24,917 --> 00:20:26,875
You tried to execute him!
455
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:29,458
Hey! I've got a different
management style!
456
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:32,500
Well, he was my minion first!
457
00:20:33,417 --> 00:20:35,750
Minion... give me the bow.
458
00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:38,125
Come on, sport. Give me the bow.
459
00:20:38,208 --> 00:20:40,583
Who are you gonna listen to?
The god of war
460
00:20:40,667 --> 00:20:42,291
[mocking] or the goddess of wisdom?
461
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:45,583
At least my followers
don't have shot put for brains.
462
00:20:46,458 --> 00:20:47,625
[Ares] Reading-club geek.
463
00:20:48,166 --> 00:20:50,125
[Athena] War-mongering moron!
464
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:52,166
Owl lover!
465
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,125
Poopy head!
466
00:20:55,208 --> 00:20:56,125
Huh?
467
00:20:56,208 --> 00:21:01,834
I am through doing everything
anyone tells me to do!
468
00:21:01,917 --> 00:21:03,834
That's what's got me into this mess!
469
00:21:03,917 --> 00:21:06,792
I've got the bow. I'm calling the shots.
470
00:21:06,875 --> 00:21:08,375
I'll decide who gets it!
471
00:21:08,458 --> 00:21:10,041
Whoa, there, sport.
472
00:21:10,125 --> 00:21:13,500
[chuckles nervously]
Of course you'll decide!
473
00:21:13,583 --> 00:21:16,750
Just put the bow... down.
474
00:21:21,917 --> 00:21:24,792
Perfect!
It's that poetic-justice thing again.
475
00:21:29,959 --> 00:21:31,166
-Ow!
-Yow!
476
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:33,375
-Aah!
-[gasps]
477
00:21:34,709 --> 00:21:36,417
Smartly done, Hercules.
478
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:38,083
I meant for him to do that.
479
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:40,875
You did not! You're alway-- wait.
480
00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:44,250
Hercules? That's-- He's--
481
00:21:44,375 --> 00:21:46,709
Sport is Zeus' little boy?
482
00:21:46,792 --> 00:21:50,000
I was gonna execute Zeus' kid?
483
00:21:50,083 --> 00:21:52,500
Mm-hmm. [giggles]
484
00:21:54,291 --> 00:21:56,208
[thunder crashes]
485
00:21:56,333 --> 00:22:00,041
Hero rule number one--
a hero thinks for himself.
486
00:22:00,125 --> 00:22:01,625
Too right, kid.
487
00:22:01,709 --> 00:22:04,875
Wait-- That's not hero rule number one.
488
00:22:04,959 --> 00:22:08,542
[Hercules] It is now, Phil. It is now.
489
00:22:08,667 --> 00:22:10,333
Oh, good. Oh, this is--
490
00:22:10,417 --> 00:22:12,959
Hurry, honey, now get me out of this.
My nose is driving me crazy.
491
00:22:13,041 --> 00:22:14,834
It itches, it itches, it itches.
492
00:22:14,917 --> 00:22:16,875
[screams]
493
00:22:21,208 --> 00:22:22,417
[theme music playing]
34830
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