Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[Bob, narrating]

Long ago in the age of heroes,

there was a civilization of beauty, art,

and scholarly fulfillment.

Men called her Greece.

She was the pinnacle of human achievement,

Except for the land of Thessaly,

For the king who ruled there

was a greedy, two-faced,

triple-chinned, four-flushing

tyrant named Salmoneus.

[burps]

King Salmoneus, as your advisor,

may I offer some advice?

Oh, do, Stephanopoulos.

Give it up, sir.

You have run Thessaly into the ground.

To wit, per capita income

has dipped to zero,

crop production is currently

holding steady at zero,

and lastly, your approval rating is...

is zero.

Stephanopoulos, as always,

you underestimate your master.

I got a plan...

A plan I call...

Divine intervention.

[laughs evilly]

Welcome to Thessaly,

home of the first ever Zeus-a-Palooza.

Zeus-a-palooza?

This doesn't seem like Dad's style at all.

This isn't anyone's style.

Whoo-hoo!

Bring on the big "Z," baby!

I just can't believe

that he didn't tell me about this.

I had to read it in

the Greekly World News.

In mere moments, the mighty Zeus himself

will appear in person

to greet the faithful

and smite the wicked.

I see the entire

kingdom of Thessaly destroyed,

demolished, wiped out.

[slurps]

Whoo-hoo!

So I vote we leave now.

[all chanting] Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Wait. Not now. It's my dad.

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

And now, citizens of Thessaly,

from the tiptop of Mt. Olympus,

the master of disaster,

the ayatollah of the lightning bolt-a,

The one, the only...

Zeus!

[cheers and applause]

Good mortals of Thessaly, it is I, Zeus.

I can squash you with my pinkie,

but I choose not to.

Instead, I ask only this--

That you forever honor

your great leader,

King Salmoneus.

[all] We shall, great Zeus.

You must pledge to King Sal

your blind obedience...

You got it.

[thud]

...unquestioning servitude...

Yes!

...undying loyalty...

[Hercules] No! Stop!

Can't you see? That's not Zeus.

[laughs] I love Herc.

You never know what he's gonna do.

Uh, people of Thessaly,

your mighty Zeus demands a show of faith.

Dispose of this nonbeliever.

[all] Yeah!

Wait, wait, wait! Oh!

We got him, Zeus.

Now smite the nonbeliever.

Yeah, smite his butt off.

OK.

Yeah, mighty Zeus.

Hit me with your best shot.

[thunder rumbling]

[thunder crashes]

[gasps] wow!

Here we go.

Wipeout.

What mortal dare call himself Zeus?

Well, let's examine the evidence then.

Exhibit alpha--

one license plate reading "Zeus I."

Exhibit beta-- one lightning bolt, fake.

Exhibit gamma...

King Salmoneus!

Trickery!

Blasphemous infidel in the side pocket.

Hermes, set him up.

I hereby tender my resignation

effective immediately. Goodbye.

Oh, nice bank shot.

You!

Move.

[gasps]

Ha! My boy!

Hermes, look-- Hercules.

By my name, it's great to see you, kiddo.

Hey, come on, Dad.

All my friends are here.

Would you autograph this?

What's with him?

Who? Icarus?

Flew too close to the sun.

[Zeus]

Oh, you're the kid Apollo told me about.

What were you thinking, son?

Hate to break up the love,

but you have a thing, sir.

You're going already?

[Zeus] Sorry, son.

Meetings, meetings.

Did you hear what Zeus called him?

Son!

He's the son of Zeus!

Zeus has delivered us

from our corrupt leader,

And now wants us to make his son our king.

Huh?

Long live king Hercules.

[all chanting] King Herc!

Oh, this'll be good.

[Bob, narrating] And so Hercules became

the new king of Thessaly.

As for the old king,

the deposed and despised Salmoneus,

let's check in at the grove of despair.

[moaning, crying]

Years of blissful tyranny down the drain.

[sobbing] I might as well be dead.

Now that you're dead, you may

feel disoriented, confused,

and/or a general malaise.

This is normal.

Excuse me? Dead?

Uh... I'm not dead.

Oh, yeah. He's confused, all right.

Well, we're gonna have to grease

the doorway of the underworld

to get this one in.

I'm not dead.

[grunting]

I think I slipped a discus.

Sheesh!

It's like he's still alive.

Ahhhh! Have a salad.

Not dead.

Not dead.

[nervous laugh] Oh, no.

I think we jumped the crossbow

on this one.

I'm not dead!

I said, "I might as well be dead."

We can't afford another mistake like this.

Last time we brought in a live one...

[Hades] Alive?

He's alive. This is the afterlife.

Afterlife!

I need dead!

And I just grew my hair back.

[Salmoneus]

Oh, you two work for Hades, eh?

Well, I suppose I could keep

this incident to myself,

providing everyone is willing

to cooperate.

[clears throat]

The grove of despair is for despairing.

You're scheming, aren't you?

-Oh, uh, forgive us.

-Sorry.

[Panic] Apologies.

Didn't mean to ruin your grove.

You run Thessaly's new king out of town,

and I'll forget I ever saw you.

Get me back my throne.

Deal. Run out new king...

Return throne.

Easy-peezy, guaranteezy.

So, who is this soon-to-be

ex-king anyway, hmm?

Oh, he's Hercules, son of, uh, Zeus.

I see.

[sobbing]

How the years fly by.

Our baby boy is growing up.

I always said he was meant to be a king.

Didn't I always say that?

I always said that.

Poseidon is sea green with envy.

Well, we better get going, hon.

Oh, yes-- the imprisoned Titans.

Your father loves to gloat.

And this'll really stick in their craw--

My son, a king.

Ha! Stick it, Titans.

[thunder crashes]

It doesn't feel right.

I don't think I was meant to be king.

[sniffs]

Hey, was your dad just here again?

Oh, we missed the big "Z"?

You can smell the gods?

I can do many things.

Yeah, Dad was here.

I-- I've never seen my dad so...

So proud before,

And he's a pretty proud guy.

Duh! Of course he's proud.

You're king!

But I-I don't even know what a king does.

Oh, please!

You just got to know the dos and don'ts.

Example-- do pepper

your conversations with

[deep voice] "we are not amused."

[normal voice] Don't declare war

on any kingdom that can kick your butt.

Thessaly declaring war?

But we can kick your butt.

Yeah, but our new boy king Hercules says

he's tired of smelling your stink

from across his border.

That's what Hercules said.

We are not amused!

[laughs]

Mission accomplished.

You the imp. Yeah!

[snickers]

[horse neighs]

[Cassandra]

Now, this is the disaster I foretold.

This Zeus-forsaken land is about

to be wiped out.

That's right. Thessaly-- wiped out.

You are so hot.

[purrs]

[horse neighs, snorts]

Prepare for humiliating defeat,

king Hercules.

Smite him, son of Zeus.

Son of Zeus?

[cheering]

[camera shutter clicks]

[cheering]

Sure, go ahead. Celebrate.

Who cleans it up?

Who always cleans it up?

[gasps]

You don't want to clean it up?

So don't clean it up, boyo.

Are you familiar with the term

"labor dispute," hmm?

Garbage strike?

[Bob, narrating]

And so, in his second official act,

King Hercules, uh... took out the trash.

♪ This trash is truly trouble ♪

♪ It's stinking up our streets ♪

What?

♪ There's sloppy glop inside my shop ♪

♪ We've all got smelly feet ♪

[woman 1] ♪ But there's no need to worry ♪

[woman 2] ♪ King Herc is at the helm ♪

[both] ♪ The finest royal highness ♪

♪ That has ever ruled our realm ♪

Whoo! That boy's so fine.

♪ He's the can do king ♪

♪ There's nothin' he can't fix ♪

♪ He's takin' care of business ♪

♪ And checkin' off his list ♪

♪ He's the can do king ♪

♪ A leader with a plan ♪

♪ To make this place

Called Thessaly the best ♪

♪ In all the land ♪

[woman] Oh, what that boy can do!

♪ My olive trees are thirsty ♪

♪ Our crops are fallin' down ♪

♪ A big, old, rolling boulder

Is about to squish the town ♪

♪ But that's no cause for panic ♪

♪ Just call the man in charge ♪

♪ He'll right the wrong before too long ♪

♪ We'll all be livin' large ♪

[woman] Oh, like butter, baby.

♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ He's the can do king ♪

♪ There's nothin' he can't fix ♪

♪ He's takin' care of business ♪

♪ And checkin' off his list ♪

♪ He's the can do king ♪

♪ A leader with a plan ♪

♪ To make this place called Thessaly ♪

♪ The best in all the land ♪

♪ He's a can do king ♪

♪ Can do king ♪

You do it, boy.

Oh!

Sire, should there be a four-way

stop sign at this intersection?

That's it? How should I know?

Well, you are the king.

I mean, you know, you must

counsel all of our decisions.

Sure, whatever.

Uh, four-way stop--

knock-knock yourselves out.

[cheering]

[groans] what can I help you with?

It's my chickens.

Do you think I need to pluck

every feather off...

My mother-in-law or should I

force her to move into...

A big pile of goat manure.

So can I move upwind so I don't smell...

My wife's Suvlaki?

[sighs deeply]

The brown sandals go with the khaki tunic.

Khaki is neutral-- goes with everything.

[man]

Oh, a thousand thanks, king Hercules.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Ohhhhh, we are not amused.

Attaboy, you got it!

No, really. I am not amused anymore.

I decree that we leave

and never come back.

Second the motion. All in favor say "aye."

The ayes have it. Motion carries.

Uh-oh.

Father, Mother, hi.

Happy kingship, my boy.

We stopped by with a few things.

So, like being top dog?

It's, uh, not what I expected.

Never is, never is.

Better, isn't it? Ha.

Exciting, empowering.

Ha, "empowering" isn't the first

word that... leaps to mind.

All we hope is that you'll be happy,

Be yourself.

[Zeus] And be the greatest king ever.

Thanks. I'll try.

That's the stuff.

[sighs]

I'm staying.

[groans]

Uh... he's staying?

[muffled] Aah, can't breathe!

He's what?

Whoa, there, sally. Chill out.

[whispering indistinctly]

We've got everything well in hand.

[lion growls]

[laughs evilly]

Yes!

Looks like I'm stuck here.

You have to do what's right for you.

Crud! I swore I'd never say

anything that corny.

Yeah, well, I-I don't even know

what's right for me.

That's the problem.

That's not the only problem.

The floor's making crazy, nutso noises

like a monster's stomping its way

towards the city and--

[roars]

It is I, the rightful king of Thessaly,

Salmoneus!

[Hercules] All right!

Now, this I can handle.

Finally.

Here it comes.

Thessaly wiped out.

[snarling]

Huh!

Whoa!

[roars]

Hey, I don't think that's a real lion.

[sarcastically] really?

Come on, come on.

Take a piece of me.

[roars]

[grunting]

Pardon me. Coming through.

Whoa!

I'm back!

[laughs]

King Sal is back!

What?

Pbht!

[panting]

Aaah!

[breathing heavily]

Go! Finish him off, already.

[snarling]

[grunting]

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

[crying]

Get him!

[groaning]

You two are hopeless!

A lot you know.

Yeah, uh... we're more fearsome this way?

[gulps]

Mmm! Hercarific.

[choking]

Oopsie.

Ha!

Oh!

You... you...

[muttering indistinctly]

[roars]

[knuckles crack]

Whoa!

Aaah!

[crash!]

[man] Ooh, that's gonna blister.

Uh, you know, you could have foretold us

that this was gonna happen.

Someone get this man a hemlock latte.

What do we do now?

Where do we go?

And what do we wear when we get there?

Aah! Leave me alone!

I'm not a king!

Uh, we've got no king.

Who will decide what we do?

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Why don't you just try

to decide for yourselves?

Hmm...

Decide for ourselves.

Yes, why, we can form

a representative parliament

in which decisions are effected

by majority vote.

Hey, kids, let's put on a democracy.

[cheering and applause]

Sorry.

I know you're disappointed

that I gave up my crown.

You made a choice that was right for you.

We couldn't be any happier or prouder.

Yeah, I never really liked the sound

of "King Hercules" anyways.

You know, there's an emperor

position in Abyssinia.

Aah! Stop looking at me, woman.

[whinnies]

[Panic] A deal's a deal. [cackles]

Here's your throne, Sal.

[choking, coughing]

All in all, that wasn't so hard.

And Hades remained none the wiser.

Hello.

Uh-oh.

Hey, guys, speak of the devil, huh?

Come here, come here. Come here.

[crashing, banging]

[Pain] Oh, my hair!

[theme music playing]