Original subtitles

- You guys remember the Olsen twins? - Mm-hmm.

- They really grew up. - They sure did.

Which one would you rather nail...

Mary-Kate or Ashley?

Which one played Zack, and which one played Cody?

Heads up, Steve. It's Lyle Winkler.

That dude is always trouble.

- Yeah, what's he doing here? - Guys, give Lyle a chance.

Remember after our team blew out his team in hockey?

It changed him. He became a different guy.

Hello, Sullivan.

Hey, Lyle. What have you been up to?

Well, after that ass-whipping

you put on me and my peewee hockey team,

I got a little introspective.

I read "chicken soup for the soul."

I keep a copy right next to me on the can.

Real good reading.

I'm very happy for you, Lyle.

Well, it's thanks to you, Sullivan.

What you said to me last time I saw you

really hit home, you know?

All that talk about winning not being everything...

that pussy talk... it really sunk in.

I should write a book... "Pussy talk for dummies."

And, uh, now that we're all getting along,

I've got some good news.

I've opened a business.

It's right across the street.

Kind of a meeting place where the community can gather.

Like a coffee shop.

Kind of, but more adult.

No, this is a place where I'm gonna serve pretzels,

have some sports on TV, serve some drinks.

That sounds like a bar.

Yeah, that's pretty much what it is.

You're opening a bar across the street from Sullivan & Son?

It sounds so personal when you say it like that.

You're calling it Lyle & Son?

I hope you like it. It just came to me.

See you, Sullivan.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

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Can you believe this guy?

Lyle's bar's got 16 3-d tvs, complete NFL package.

He's even got a taquito station.

Taquito... Spanish for "small taquit."

You know, if he thinks he's gonna compete with me,

he's got another think coming.

I'm gonna kick his ass.

There's only one way

to deal with a competitor from the outside... muscle.

What are you talking about?

Lyle's driving down the street.

He realizes his brakes don't work.

He's walking down the stairs, and there's a step missing.

He's sleeping in his bed... he's hit with a hammer.

It's a dangerous neighborhood, Steve.

Accidents happen.

Years ago, I spearheaded a business association

of merchants in the neighborhood.

Are you saying you started a mafia?

Just say the word, Steve,

and a poison dart

will magically hit Lyle in the back of the head.

Untraceable...

But sends a message.

Look, look, Lyle doesn't scare me, all right?

I worked on wall street.

I can handle myself in a competitive marketplace.

Hey, guys, listen, I need you to go over to Lyle's,

do some recon, observe, take notes,

find out where he's vulnerable.

Yeah, we can do that. Yeah.

We'll report back in an hour.

Hey, Carol, who's the guy?

He's my new boss.

Jack, I just got a promotion at the DMV.

It's a dream job.

It requires no effort, thought, or movement.

That does sound pretty great.

Well, it's not perfect.

It's just me and Ralph,

and... he thinks he's a comedian.

You mean he tells jokes all day?

Worse. He does impressions.

But I can handle it.

I just smile at everything he says

and act like I'm enjoying it.

That's got to be tough.

Ask any woman. It's really not.

Here you go, Ralph.

Thanks, Carol.

But I think we're gonna need a third drink...

one for me, one for you, and one for Mr. Robin Williams.

Oh, don't encourage him!

He'll just keep going, like the energizer bunny!

On speed! Step, two, kick, three, hit drum, and spin!

Madonna! Madonna!

Lady Gaga! Lady Gaga!

Robin Williams... I-it was funny in the car ride over.

A-and it's still funny now.

What do you mean, "funny"?

I morphed into my Joe pesci impression.

Funny like a clown?

I amuse you? How am I funny?

Yay!

Okay.

Any more people, we'll need a bigger table.

Hey, dad, have you seen the guys?

I thought they'd be back by now.

It's been a couple hours.

I haven't seen them, and you're not gonna like this.

Check out the best bar in Pittsburgh.

Grand opening up. Lyle & Son.

Aw, yeah!

Advertising on my turf?

All right, this is out of control.

I'm going over there.

And, you, get off my property.

Yeah, beat it. This is Sullivan turf.

Spinning a sign.

Your parents must be so proud.

I make $120,000 a year doing this.

Really?

Are they looking for people?

Son of a bitch.

He took my bar and made it fun.

Uh, what's going on, guys?

You were supposed to be back in an hour.

We're doing recon.

We're wrapping up our research.

We're almost out of here.

Where's Owen?

I'm swimming! I'm swimming!

Steve.

Mel.

Mel! I swear to God, I will break your...

oh, my God, Steve.

Hi.

Welcome to Lyle & Son. I'm Pepper.

Do you think you could come cheer for me

in the mud-wrestling contest?

I'm fighting Shauna, and she's a bad girl.

Holy shit.

Good luck.

Sullivan. Glad you came.

We were starting to feel bad

having such a great time without you.

Pick a beer from our beer map.

You're selling beer for $1?

Uh-huh. Lyle, I-I'm in the bar business.

I know what this costs... the food, the servers...

The implants.

You can't be making any money.

I'm not.

Oh, I get it.

You're not interested in running a bar.

You're interested in running me out of business.

- Bingo. - Why?

Take a step over to my motivational corner.

Our middle-school newspaper?

See that article right there?

Uh, "Sullivan beats Winkler and takes wrestling title."

Oh, yeah. Forgot about that.

You forgot?

The most significant day of my life?

Y-you're kidding, right?

You see that empty shelf right there, right?

The wrestling trophy that you stole belongs on it.

After you beat me, I was so embarrassed,

I turned to food, then to dance, then back to food.

You opened a bar because I beat you at wrestling?

You took away from me what I was best at,

and now I am gonna take away from you what you are best at.

You go ahead and try.

Sullivan & Son has been around for 60 years,

and you know what? We'll be around for another 60.

I don't know, Sullivan. Your buddies seem to really like it here.

I don't care what you do, Lyle.

It's gonna take more than a couple of boobs

and some games to bring me down.

Hey, guys, we're out of here.

Yeah. All right. Pepper!

And the judges for today's wet t-shirt competition

will be Ahmed, Owen, and Roy.

Really, guys? After all these years of friendship,

all it takes is a few girls in t-shirts?

Who wants to spray us down?

Is this Sullivan & son?

Yes, it is.

Oh, sorry. We were looking for Lyle & Son.

Get out!

Carol, you know who's coming to the DMV tomorrow...

three presidents.

Really? I thought we were done with the presidents.

Well, Carol, you're either with us...

Or you're against us.

We need you when we invade the Iraqi guy's cubicle.

Isn't that right, Bill Clinton?

Oh, you bet it is.

What do you think, Barack Obama?

I think it'll be fine

as long as you, uh, start slow in the beginning,

uh, and, uh, speed up at the end.

That was pretty good, man.

I thought it was great,

and, Carol, you look fantastic.

Yay!

- How'd it go? - That guy's a prick.

He's deliberately undercutting us.

Kid, you're panicking for nothing.

The bar business has its ups and downs.

Lyle is not a threat, and you know why?

Because as long as we got Hank and his buddies,

we have a solid business.

Hank... Is a bell cow.

Wherever he goes, they go.

Hello, Sullivan.

Winkler.

Where's my good buddy Hank?

What do you want with Hank?

Oh, nothing.

Pepper!

I'm, uh, Lyle Winkler, Hank.

I opened a bar across the street.

This basket is for you.

We would be very interested in having you visit us.

Oh, my. I'm being courted.

Well, those are the ugliest roses I've ever seen.

They're made of bacon.

Those are the most beautiful roses I've ever seen.

And please accept this finely aged scotch, Cuban cigars,

and a DVD set of the finest detective show ever...

"Columbo."

You, sir, have done your homework.

Lyle, Hank doesn't want to hear your line of crap.

It's not crap.

Doesn't Hank deserve to be taken care of and cherished?

Yeah, don't I?

Well, we cherish you, Hank.

Yeah, well, you never gave me a bacon rose.

Sullivan, you don't respect Hank.

You're just trying to buy him.

Hank, I see you as a real person with real feelings.

I've never been the pretty girl,

always the funny friend.

You're not just the pretty girl, Hank.

You're my pretty girl.

This one over here called me a cow.

Come to where you're valued.

There go the regulars. Lyle's gonna win.

No, he's not. Your dad started this bar,

and now I'm running it... the bar stays.

Look, I've always found a way to defeat this guy.

I just need to get in his head.

Lyle's a bully, and bullies have one weakness... their ego.

Steve, Steve, Steve.

There's a much more efficient way to deal with this.

Let the association handle it.

You know the subway down the street

owned by the Kim family?

One day, someone from outside wanted to open a Quiznos.

Next thing you know, they disappearedznos.

Sullivan.

Man, I got to hand it to you. You got a nice place here.

You got everything you need. You got my friends.

You've got my best customer.

But, uh, here's the one thing you don't have.

Ohh! The trophy!

That's right... the trophy.

Can I touch it?

Ask nicely.

Please. Sure.

Psych!

Damn you to hell, Sullivan!

Why so angry, Lyle?

Is it because I'm the best wrestler in the whole 8th grade?

Take it back!

No backsies.

I'll always be the best wrestler.

And even if you shut down my bar,

I'll always be the best bartender.

Well, good day, Winkler. Enjoy your bar.

Sullivan, wait.

Yes?

What do I got to do to get that trophy?

Oh. I don't know.

Off the top of my head...

bartending competition?

Okay, Sullivan, it's on.

If you win, I close down this bar,

but if I win, I get that 8th-grade wrestling trophy.

- Seriously? - Yeah, is that weird?

No, no, no, no. Makes perfect sense.

See you, Winkler.

Goodbye, former friends.

Before you go, Sullivan, you should know

I trained for eight months

under legendary bartender sir James Benedict

at the Dorchester in London.

I did not know that.

Hi, Steve.

Well, look who's back.

I'm sorry, buddy. We were weak.

But that's over. We're here for you.

"Ste"?

Wait for it.

Go, Steve!

Whoo!

All right, guys. All right, all right.

- Y-you're forgiven. - Thanks, pal.

- We love you. - We love you, buddy.

- Good guy. - Thank you.

Dad, I'm really nervous. I got to win.

It's the only way we're gonna get rid of this guy.

Relax, kid. You come from a family of bartenders.

You got it in the bag.

He studied for eight months at the Dorchester in London.

I did not know that.

Steve... Look over there.

That's the association.

Is that my pediatrician?

Out of respect, we're letting you go through with this,

but we put a clock on you.

You don't solve this tonight, our hands are tied.

Capisce?

I'm here. Let the games begin.

Thanks for having the competition here, Sullivan.

My place is so packed with customers

it would have cut into my business.

Well, enjoy your customers, Lyle,

because when your doors close,

you're all coming back to my bar.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

I am the pub master

for the greater Pittsburgh area barkeeper's guild,

and I will be judging today's best-of-three event

covering all aspects of bartending.

Let's let the games begin!

This is so exciting.

- It needs a narrator. - N-no, it doesn't.

W-w-we can really enjoy it without the talking.

I wish you would have said that

before Morgan Freeman showed up.

No, no. He... he's old. He shouldn't be up this late.

The truth is, Ralph and Carol

had never expected to see this sort of competition.

But there it was.

Our first challenge is called "what's in the drink?"

Mr. Winkler, pick a card.

Gin and tonic. Boy, that's a toughie.

Well, you got your gin, you got your tonic,

you got your lime garnish.

Correct.

Mr. Sullivan.

All right, uh, Wadsworth club Christmas punch. Seriously?

All right, uh, cream, nutmeg, Brandy,

cinnamon, rum, and a bottle of champagne.

I'm sorry, you missed one ingredient.

Mr. Winkler, if you can name the ingredient, you get the point.

Candied mint sprig.

You are correct. Point for Lyle.

Our second event is the tri-barthalon.

On your marks, get set, go.

One, two, three, four five!

Mr. Winkler, the time to beat is 18.3 seconds.

On your mark, get set, go!

Screw that. You can have that point.

As we wait

for the march of the bartenders to continue,

we check in with our old friend Robin Williams.

And you should have seen the little people.

You wouldn't believe it. It was amazing.

No, no, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

I can't take it.

It's the impressions, right?

I do too many.

I-I thought I could handle it, but I really can't.

I know. I-I've tried to quit.

But every time I do,

they keep... pullin' me back I-I-in!

Ralph, you're a very sweet man,

but it's hard for me to be around you.

All these voices and impressions...

it's too much.

But thank you for the opportunity.

I understand.

You were the best assistant I ever had.

I'm gonna miss you, Carol Walsh.

Is that Sean Connery?

Would you work for Sean Connery?

And only Sean Connery?

Could he occasionally have Willie Nelson over? No.

What about Liza Minnelli? No!

Sit back down and enjoy your drink, Moneypenny.

Oh, I don't mind if I do.

So it all comes down to this final event... bar therapy.

The contestants will console a troubled bar patron

of their choice.

Mr. Winkler.

Okay, I choose this guy.

How you doing today, buddy?

Not good.

My wife and I just got in a big fight.

And whose fault is that?!

Hmm, let me guess... you want him to listen more.

And you want more sex.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Welcome to married life.

Now, look, you, listen to her when she talks,

and, you, when you talk, be naked.

Wow. That was good.

What do I do, dad?

Do what you always do... get in his head.

Mr. Sullivan, who do you pick?

Well, I, uh... I pick, uh... Lyle Winkler.

Wha?!

Okay, Sullivan, knock yourself out.

How's it going?

Tip-top.

Funny.

You've been trying to bring me down for 20 years,

saying it's 'cause of some childhood wrestling match,

but that's not it.

What else happened in your life in 1994?

Nothing.

Isn't that the year your... your parents got divorced?

Yes.

And I also believe that your dog, Buster,

also ran away from home. Tough year.

It was only tough because of what you did to me.

Was it me? I mean, did your parents really get divorced

because I beat you in a wrestling match?

I don't think so.

Really? I'll show you the card my dad wrote.

"Dear Lyle, because you lost the wrestling match,

"I'm leaving your mother.

P.S. I'm taking Buster."

You have all this hate and anger,

and you think it's because of this wrestling trophy.

So, you know what...

Take it. It's yours.

Do you feel better?

Yeah. Do you really?

Is that trophy gonna take away the pain

from your parents, the dog?

Yeah.

Really?

No.

Lyle, it's time to let all that go.

I mean, you can't hold on to all this hate in your heart

because if you do, you'll never be the best Lyle Winkler.

And isn't... isn't that what you really want?

Yeah.

Here's your trophy, Sullivan.

And the winner is... Steve Sullivan.

Wait, he gets a ribbon?!

Now you got a ribbon and a trophy?!

Sullivan, this is so unfair. You get everything.

I'm outta here! Pepper! Get the car!

Wait.

Before you start the car, give us two minutes.

Congratulations, son.

I knew you'd outthink him.

It wouldn't have happened without you, dad.

Are you wearing a bulletproof vest?

There's been a lot of activity lately.

Oh, my God.

Lyle's bar is on fire. It's bad.

It looks like it's gonna burn to the ground.

Lyle, what are you doing here?

Your bar's on fire. Whatever.

You know, watching that place torch makes me wish

I would have overinsured it for like $650,000...

oh, wait, I did. I feel better.

You burned down your own place?

Well, yeah, I mean, you told me

to be the best version of myself.

The guy that burns his own bar for the insurance money...

that's me.

Right now I'm gonna take all my money

and open up one of those brake and lube places down the street.

You know, the Koreans that own the only one in the neighborhood...

they don't know what the hell they're doing.

Actually, Lyle, you might not want...

You know what, good luck with that.

Mom.

On it.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com