Original subtitles

(& Air: Sexy Boy)

& Sexy boy

& Sexy boy

& Sexy boy

& Sexy boy

& O� sont

& Tes h�ros

& Aux corps d'athl�tes?

& O� sont

& Tes idoles

& Mal ras�es

& Bien habill�es?

& Sexy boy

& Sexy boy

& Dans leurs yeux des dollars

& Dans leurs sourires

& Des diamants

& Sexy boy

& Sexy boy

& Oh, sexy boy

& Oh, sexy boy... &

(Man) And that's the problem with denim over the past few years,

everyone's trying to be postmodern.

Sex...

..muscles, denim, sex...

- lt's the perfect... - & Sexy boy &

l can have a sandwich and a Snickers, but if l skip the Snickers,

l'm one step closer to them Caterpillar boots.

Here's some news - Mandy said Nicole Gooch is chasing Christian Hobbs.

l said that's so wrong it makes you look subnormal.

Nicole boned off with that new bloke, proper couple -

they went to Chinatown on a Thursday.

- She wouldn't look at Christian. - l'd give him one.

Cos l don't know... it might be Nicola Blake.

She likes him but she never goes out.

Her dad's blind, she has to sit in and read him books.

Or he's in a wheelchair, l dunno.

l would, though. l'd give him one.

- You'd never! - Watch me! l'd give him one,

l'd shag him right now in front of you.

l met this bloke called Stuart. Stuart Jones.

- Had sex. - No.

Shagged till six in the morning.

What?

Nothing.

- Are you surprised? - No.

- Why not? - Dunno.

- You never said. - Just said it, didn't l?

- Are you seeing him again? - Oh, yeah.

That's brilliant, Nathan!

Yeah, l know.

- l'd give him one. - (Donna) l'd give him one.

'Cept l ain't got one to give him.

(Bell)

- Ooh! - Whoo!

(Sandra) Yeah, we're all going through with the campaign...

Brilliant. Erm, one moment.

Excuse me a minute, l've just got some business.

Down there.

(Mobile)

- What? - His name's Michael.

Thank you, but the information is not relevant.

- (Sandra) He's married with kids. - Aren't they all?

He's on top of me, right. And he's like, in there.

He's up there.

And it's killing me, l'm tellin' ya. lt's like being stabbed by a stick.

And it's fantastic, it's brilliant, cos it's him.

And he's looking down at me, l'm right in his eyes.

l can feel him now, l really can, it's like...

lt's like he's left a space. He's still there.

Anyway, thank you, Sandra, that'll be all. The matter is in hand.

'l'll string out the coffee as long as l can. Good luck.'

Don't need it.

He's coming, he's coming, because of me.

And l'm looking up at his face, it's just amazing.

And he said it, he said he loved me.

And l'm not stupid, he'd say anything, he was off his face.

But he meant it. Just for that second -

he loved me.

- l don't kiss. - Yeah, right.

- (Humming) - (Marcie) Psst!

All right, Marcie.

Have you met Rosalie Cotter, started Monday?

- What about her? - l can't stick her. She thinks she's it.

l said, ''There's no room for Jackie Onassis in here.''

She's all right. l had to talk her through the roster. She's nice.

- You think? - Yeah.

- You think she's nice? - Yes, l do.

Brilliant, cos she fancies yer. Oh, you'll get on a storm.

ln the pub, end of shift, l'll have her waiting.

Be there, and brush your teeth. l knew it!

- l was gonna phone for a pizza. - We had the cheese.

We're going round to Sally Colasanto's,

and l'm staying the night at Donna's.

See ya.

- ls that all right with your mum, Donna? - Like l didn't ask.

You're always there. Your mother should charge him rent.

Thanks for the cheese, bye!

- See ya! - Bye!

We need a code word.

lf l phone you and say a certain word, you come and get me.

- Think of a word. - Twilight.

l'm supposed to get ''twilight'' into a conversation?

- Then don't go. - Oh, my God.

l'm here. Straight pub.

l can't stop, l'm going in.

What's it like?

- (& Country music on jukebox) - lt's all true.

Everything we've ever been told.

Oh, my God! Everything but flock wallpaper!

Ah, and the people.

There are people talking in sentences that have no punch line

and they don't even care.

Can you believe it? They've got toilets in which no one's ever had sex.

(Laughs) Vince, it's been lovely, but goodbye.

We'll have a candlelit vigil in your memory. l'll put a patch on the quilt.

- l've changed my mind. Twilight! - Tough, the baby's here.

- Hello, Daddy. - Hello.

What's taken so long?

Those women who rob babies from maternity wards take 30 seconds.

- Thanks. - Look after him. Bye.

Come on, l thought it was going to be last orders waiting for you.

Hiya.

Oh, that's right. You two have met already.

- Park yourself, we saved you a seat. - No, l'll get the drinks.

- Same again? - Same again.

l'll come and give you a hand.

- Oooh! - (Bob) Go 'head, get in there.

Now, you be careful. Just for once, take it slowly.

Don't overtake, cut corners, race

or take your eyes off the road cos you're cruising boys on the pavement, OK?

- God, you think l'm such a twat. - (Engine starts, radio blasts)

(Turns radio off, baby cries)

(Bob) Beam me up, Scotty. Klingons on the starboard bow.

- Your kind of thing, innit? - Wrong programme, actually.

Oh. What's he called, then? Stavros. (Chuckles)

- Exterminate, exterminate! (Laughs) - What was that?

Nothing, l just sort of like science fiction stuff.

Doctor Who?

Yeah.

- l never really watched it. - Well, no.

They moved it opposite Coronation Street. l mean, you've no chance.

l remember that. '87 to '89.

- l taped one and watched the other. - You watch the Street?

- Course l do, yeah. - Only me Mum's given up on it.

She says it's full of kids.

But it's not true. l mean, Wednesday it was all Fred Elliott

and this past fortnight it was nonstop Rita.

lt's just not true - the old ones are just as important.

- God, you really watch it, don't you? - Yeah, l love it.

- Why would l stop paying? He's my kid. - And there's some stuff about insurance.

- lnsurance for what? - Anything could happen.

- Could get run over tomorrow. - Watch out for a Ford Mondeo.

(Romey) And you could get ill.

l mean, l'm not starving or penniless

but, if you were out of work, l'd need something.

lt's for Alfred, not me.

- Why would l get ill? - lt covers anything.

- Like what? - (Romey) Anything.

We're not talking mumps, Stuart.

You were tested, but ten months ago.

- 40 weeks ago, 280 one-night stands... - All right!

(Romey) lt's for Alfred, really it is.

We've got to be sensible.

- Fine, whatever you want. - (Baby moans)

- Course l'll have to run it past a solicitor. - l've done that already.

- And is he any good? - Yeah, l'm fully qualified, thanks.

(Romey) You don't mind then?

lt's...fine.

Fine.

The fucking bastard cunts!

First they want my money, then they want me dead.

You've got to come out, you're my friend.

l'm sort of busy.

She's really nice.

For fuck's sake, tell her you take it up the arse and get out of there!

lt's my friend, his mother's in hospital.

(Horn blares repeatedly)

lt's the exact opposite of childbirth.

First you have the baby, then you get fucked.

ln some parallel universe, l just met my wife.

See that lot in school, all those couples -

Robert Coles, Cathy Broderick, that lot - half of them's never done it.

Robert Coles was saying, he's desperate.

They have a snog and a bit of a thing and that's it.

He goes home and has a wank. Town, please.

They're just kids, they're just talking. l'm doing it.

l'm really doing it!

l'm doing it.

(& Full Frontal: You Think You're A Man)

& Turn around

& Stand up like a man and look me in the eye

& Turn around

& Take one final look at what you've left behind

& Then walk away

& From the greatest lover you have ever known

& Yes, walk away

& You're telling me that you can make it on your own

& By yourself, all alone, without my help

& Mister, you just made a big mistake

& You think you're a man but you're only a boy

& You think you're a man, you are only a toy... &

l bet all those lesbians queue up at her breast to drink milk.

Of course, you know why they chose me. Cos l'm rich and handsome as fuck.

She said so, that fucking Lisa.

l'm just a gene pool to them, l'm just spunk.

Now, him with the collar. He went out with Jason Black.

Burst into tears, said his mother had died on the Herald Of Free Enterprise.

Two days later, she turns up. She's been walking the Peak District.

- Mad as a moose. - Do single mothers get benefits?

Or have they stopped that? l bet you they've stopped that.

Ho-ho! Stand by your beds!

Have you seen, have you seen... 12 o'clock.

- Shit! - Behave, Stuart, behave.

- (Phil) What? - The chicken has landed.

His name's Nathan, all right?

- Hiya. - Hi.

- How's the baby? - Ask my solicitor.

- Nathan, do you want a drink? - Coke, please.

& Where are the men?

& Oh, yeah

& Get on outta here!

& You think you're a man but you're only a boy

& You think you're a man, you are only a toy

& You think you're a man but you just couldn't see... &

Oh, no, you don't.

& All together now, the ladies... &

First time we came here we were 16. Older than him.

How long before anyone talked to us? Ages.

Go on, be nice to him. But l don't mean shag him.

Oh, give me some credit.

On the other hand, he is quite sweet, isn't he?

l don't know, l haven't licked him.

& ..of the Court of King Caractacus were just passing by

& The noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem

& Of the court of King Caractacus

& Were just passing by

- & Now, the noses... & - Just in time, look at the twat in the hat.

- & ..were just passing by... & - (Stuart) She needs locking up.

- Some people have no shame. - She's like a mong.

- That's Vince's mother. - lmagine if it was. A mong like that.

- Vinnie! Vinnie! - Mum!

Vinnie!

- Just be careful next time. - l don't mind. She's off her head.

We don't see much of your mother down here, Stu.

ls she still waiting for Golden Boy to get married?

My mother would kill me if she knew l was here.

When they had that lesbian wedding in Emmerdale, my mum just turned it off.

That's not homophobia, that's good taste.

You fucked him, so he's your responsibility. Don't go swanning off.

Everyone's having a go at me.

l have to live with me every day so l know l'm lovely, l'm completely lovely.

- Danny, how's Peter? - Still dead.

Oh, shit. Sorry, forgot. Whoops!

& Oh, aha, make it magnificent

& Tonight

& Right... &

l should try London - l've had everyone here.

- l'm haunted by that problem. - You haven't had me.

Er, there was the once.

- No, when? - We were in his room,

it's not long after l came over here, so we're about 14 or 15

- and Vince has got the Radio Times... - Don't tell this story!

We come to a photo where we both go ''Phwoar!''

And it was Barry Sheene on his bike.

ln his leathers. God, l'm shamed.

lt wasn't even black leather, it was red and cream.

We're going, ''Cor, look at him,'' and groping ourselves.

- Vince gets it out. Not bad, either. - Oh, fuck off.

So l'm giving him a wank, nice and slow, looking down at Barry Sheene.

- Oh, God, you've had each other! - No.

l'm unzipping when his mother comes back in

and he jumps up and puts it back in his trousers.

- That was it! - lt's not sex if you don't come.

When Sheene broke his legs,

Vince buys a card from WH Smith and sends it to ''Barry Sheene, London.''

- He was the saddest man on earth. - Barry Sheene? Showing your age.

- How old are you? - (Stuart) How old do you think l am?

33?

- Fuck off! - What?

- l'm 29. - (Phil) Not for much longer.

You'll be in the bladder control clinic in six months.

Better go for a piss while l still can.

- (Vince) l've only got three months left. - Yeah, but you don't count.

(Engine roars, horn blares)

- (Man) Fuck off, you twat! - (Tyres squeal)

(& Trance techno)

We always get stuck with the Nathans.

This is typical Stuart. l'm not cleaning up his mess.

- l'm not wasting tonight on a little boy. - Oh, so he's my problem.

Stuart's your problem, sorry.

Me luck's in. Dave the Builder. Don't mind me.

- You don't fancy him. - l need shelves putting up.

& ..l've heard them all before

- & A hundred times or more... & - He always does this.

He never stays in one place.

(Modem bleeping)

Here's one.

Well, turn your light off then!

You'll be all right, won't ya? lt's only half ten.

You'll get in Donna's, won't ya?

Look...he's not your boyfriend.

He... He just doesn't think.

He has a laugh. He...

He's never had a boyfriend. He doesn't do boyfriends. He's...

Nathan, he's a cunt.

He doesn't give a toss about anyone.

Ah, finally.

That'll get you home.

You slag him off, yeah?

But then you follow him round all the time.

- We go back years. - You're friends with a cunt.

- Yeah. - Never got to finish that wank, did ya?

All right, chicken, fuck off home.

Oh, yes.

(Computer bleeping)

Only me, Mum.

Oh, give us a beer, love. Look at me, sweating like a pig.

He's a wanker though, Stuart.

- Every time he does it, l get stuck. - What shift are you on tomorrow?

We need a hand with these boxes. Pied Piper have been nagging for these.

- Have you seen? Been upgraded. - They're de luxe, with jewellery inside.

Look, l nicked one. lt's metal, it's nice.

You don't get these in newsagents. No, they're in Kendals, this lot.

Vince, you couldn't shift some of your gear in the bedroom, could you?

- l'm sort of permanent now. - The Odd Couple, they call us next door.

l said more of a dogs' home - waifs and strays.

- l wanna put me plants in. Do you mind? - No.

l've been meaning to give you some space.

- Thanks, Vince, you're a star. - (Hazel) What's Stuart done this time?

Nothing.

(Buzzer)

Come on up.

Here y'are.

l'm not buying this coffee again, it's like dust.

lt's still your room. He's just the lodger.

Anything for the car-boot sale, shove it on the landing.

(Knocking)

No, you can't do this, Nathan. l won't have it. Go home.

- l just want to talk. - l said go.

l know you don't want to, and l'll go in a minute

- but can't l sit here for a bit? - Shit.

Aye aye, the door was open. Your neighbour was, er...

- What's this about? - No, he's just going.

- l'm busy, OK? - lt's not a threesome, is it?

No. ls it?

- No. - l don't mind.

- He's a bit young. - Who's he?

Nathan, this is...

This is Goodfuk.

- The name's Colin. - Colin Goodfuk.

- You don't even know him. - l met him on the internet.

Now, l'm going to take Goodfuk inside and check out that name, so run along.

- Sorry about that. He's my stalker. - How old is he?

- Dunno. 15? - What's he doing? Walking home?

This time of night?

All right.

There's whisky by the fridge and there's porn by the telly. Shelf underneath.

And don't you rob anything.

Hey, d'you mind?

l've just left my flat in the hands of Goodfuk the stranger, so don't run off.

l'll get you a cab.

Everyone has a go at me. Everyone.

Just call it a lesson learnt. Don't show up at my...

Yeah, yeah, it's on account. Stuart Jones.

Number 42601 . Home address, yeah.

Quick as you can. Cheers.

You'll have anyone. He's nothing, he's no one.

He's... He's ugly.

l was there. l was there all night and l really like you.

- He doesn't even know you. - Nathan.

l've had you.

- l thought l'd get ready. - Yeah.

Maybe not, eh?

Maybe not what?

- Some other time. - Oh, thanks for nothing.

Fucking hellfire.

What a waste of time.

l didn't have to come here, y'know.

l had lots of offers.

Thought l was on a promise.

l never promised anyone anything.