Original subtitles

All right, Bundy. We've gone right. We've gone left.

I'm gonna send you right up the middle. Can you do it?

I think so, coach.

Give me the shoe.

On one. Break!

Hut.

See? I told you I was a size five.

I'll take them. How much?

Thirty bucks for the shoes...

...130 for labor.

- All I've got is 20. - Deal.

Oh, by the way, can we interest you in our extended warranty?

It's 50 bucks extra...

...but if you get stuck and can't get them off...

...we'll tow your big ass back here for free.

Size five.

Why can't women ever admit to being anything over a size five?

- Yeah. - That's the good thing about men.

We don't lie about size.

Of course, I don't have to.

Well, neither do I.

Well.

Neither do I.

Contest?

Let's rock.

May I show you something?

It better be shoes.

- I got this one. - It's my shoe store.

It's Gary's shoe store.

And Gary begat me and I begat you, so you begat away from me.

Of course.

Hello, Peg.

Hi, honey. I've got good news.

Mom's feeling better and she can get around on her own.

So can a planet, Peg. What's that to me?

I'm coming home tomorrow night.

I expect you to pick me up at the train station.

All right, all right.

Now, my train arrives at 8 p.m. on--

These are nice, but I was looking for something supple and long-lasting.

That would be me.

I'll be over at 8.

Hey, Griff. I thought since your divorce you gave up on women.

That's not a woman. That's a stripper I got a shot with.

She's dancing tomorrow night at Club Gooey.

You wanna come?

No, I got something gooey coming in on the train.

- Can I get you some shoes? - I'm just looking.

Well, how about some duct tape?

He's just hungry.

Well, I'm hungry too, you don't see me crying.

At least not on the outside.

- Is it okay if I feed him? - Sure, go ahead. I'm just kidding.

While you're at it, throw a little something on for me.

What in sam hill are you doing?

- I'm breast-feeding. - Well, why?

Because he can't cook.

You just told me it was all right if I fed him.

Well, I meant to give him something healthy, like an Orange Bang.

You're gonna have to-- You're gonna have to shut that thing off and--

Ooze on down the road.

Let's go, Eric.

But believe me, this isn't the last you've heard of this.

So much for milk doing a body good.

What is happening to this country, when a woman of the opposite sex...

...can just waddle into your place of business, your holy sanctuary...

...and bare her breasts?

- That's disgusting. - It's repulsive.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for riding Am Train...

...where our motto is, "I think I can, I think I can."

Excuse me, ma'am. Do you mind if I sit here?

- Do you sell women's shoes? - God, no.

I transport radioactive sludge across the country.

Well, as long as you don't sell women's shoes.

Thank you.

So you're taking that to a toxic-waste dump?

Yeah. Los Angeles.

Isn't it dangerous to be carrying that stuff on the train?

I wouldn't concern myself in the least about that, ma'am.

We are the United States government. We know what we're doing.

Toxic spill. Run for your lives.

Now, you're sure these shoes aren't made with any animal byproducts.

Not unless you've come across a Naugahyde-asaurus lately.

Good. Because it's against my belief...

...to upset the balance of nature in any way.

That's why I haven't washed my feet since I converted.

I hope I haven't offended you.

You've got to have lunch before you lose it.

How come you always get the normal people...

...and I always get the sideshow folk?

Tell you what, Al, the next one that walks in here...

...you can watch me work.

Hello, honey.

My name is Griff.

I own this mall.

Yeah, did you notice his luxury Geo Metro...

...with the "Po Boy" vanity plates...

...parked in the executive level Z?

Hey, Dad? Listen, we just got a call from Mom.

Well, don't blame me, I didn't give her the number.

Well, we have some good news and we have some bad news.

There was a train wreck, but Mom's okay.

So, what's the good news?

She wants you to pick her up at 1 a.m...

...which is in the morning, but I'm not sure what time.

Well, for you, that would be five guys past midnight.

Come to think of it, we do have some garter belts.

But I'll have to take you in the back for a fitting.

Isn't it dark back there?

Why, yes, I believe it is.

Okay, Erik and Lyle...

...what else have you got to put me out of my misery?

Well, I just got another acting job.

Khalil's False Eye Emporium...

...is shooting their commercial for their Peter Falk birthday sale.

And they want me to be their wink-wink girl.

You must be very proud.

I'll say. This could be the springboard to my own sitcom on Fox.

Well, usually that comes before the Khalil eye job.

Anyway, I just need $100 for wardrobe and makeup.

- I promise I'll pay you back. - All right.

Just buy me a nice headstone. We'll call it even.

You got it, big guy.

We're not going to buy him a headstone, are we?

No. Mom already sold him to that medical school in Mexico.

So how's that garter belt working out?

I can't tell. There's no mirror in here.

Well, that's why I brought this Polaroid.

Well, the wife's away and the kids are gone.

There's no one here to annoy me.

- Al Bundy. - No.

Did you banish this woman and her child from your store yesterday?

I did.

How dare you deny her her God-given right to nurse her baby...

...whenever Mother Nature calls.

Breast-feeding is a natural biological function.

So is peeing, but you don't see me doing that in public.

Well, the last time I looked, the side of my garage was in public.

Marcie.

You may have noticed that this is a place of business.

Are you going to allow this woman to nurse or not?

Marcie, in the words of your own people:

"Cluck no."

Then you leave me no choice.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

Company halt!

Present babies.

Express milk.

We apologize for our little toxic incident...

...but feel free to keep your souvenir decontamination suits...

...and thank you for riding Am Train...

...where we care and we settle out of court.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Is that a pie you're carrying?

- Yes, it is. - Oh, park it, granny.

Decontamination sure takes a lot out of you.

Not that the barium wasn't fun.

Would you like to have a piece of banana cream pie?

Well, I'm on a diet...

...but I'm sure bananas are on it.

That'll be $50.

Forget it. I'll just wait until they serve dinner.

All right. Who ordered the kosher meal?

Anyone? Anyone?

Okay. Here's your 50 bucks. Now give me.

Have you got a fork?

It'll cost you.

Well, never mind. I'll just eat it just like this.

Attention, Am Train survivors.

We seem to have run into some minor difficulty.

Have you got a napkin?

Well, yes.

Twenty dollars.

Dad, I hate to bother you again, but--

Well, there's a Kodak moment.

So, what do you want, son?

Mom wanted me to tell you she was in another train wreck.

Son, your mother is a train wreck.

Now, as you can see, I'm busy with suckle-palooza here.

Is there any part of your story that's of interest to me?

Just that Mom's coming in at 3 a.m., and she expects you to be there.

See you.

Well, the train station at 3 a.m.

It'll just be me and Streisand picking up our loved ones from Wanker County.

So, Al. Now that you see how serious we are...

...are you ready to listen to our demands?

Not yet.

Now I'm ready.

Fine.

Hit it, girls.

We shall not, we shall not be moved

Go ahead, sing.

We shall not We shall not be moved

Sing and nurse, nurse and sing...

...but mark my words, you shall not win this one.

Men will rally around me.

They'll march through the shadow of the valley of your immensity...

...see the righteousness of my cause.

For men are trustworthy, loyal and--

We shall not be moved

We shall not We shall not be moved

We shall not We shall not be moved

We shall not We shall not be--

Jefferson, you little wuss.

How could you do this to your own breed?

Marcie made me do it.

She said she didn't have enough women for her protest...

...so it was either this or get a job.

- Oh, how low. - A job? I agree.

Not that, J. Edgar-- Give me this doll.

You know what I've a good mind to do with this?

Give it back to the little girl I took it from?

Exactly.

There, sweetie. That's a good girl.

Jefferson, you know what this means?

No, don't tell the guys.

I couldn't take another night of a thousand wedgies.

All right, there's one way you can buy my silence.

That's cruel. That's horrible. That's evil.

I'll do it.

Now that we've weeded one traitor out of the ranks...

...let's see if we have any more Mrs. Doubtfires here.

You're a woman.

And you're a comet.

One, two, three, four We will breast-feed in your store

One, two, three, four We will breast-feed in your store

Well, Bob, this is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal...

...live at the mall, where the so-called Chicago lactathon is still going strong.

But yet, Mr. Bundy, you seem strangely unmoved. Why so?

Well...

...Miranda.

First of all, I know that I'm on the side of good.

And secondly...

...I need the overtime.

Nonetheless, I can see that this protest...

...has completely paralyzed your business.

I can see you've never shopped in the store before.

Be that as it may, you can't let this go on forever.

What do you plan to do?

Well, all I can say is, Al Bundy never says "die."

Well, he says "die," he just never does.

If you'll just bring your cameras this way...

...you will see the master at work.

Now, Marcie.

Before I unleash my ultimate weapon...

...I'm going to be gracious and give you and your Milk Duds there...

...a chance to hoof it on out of here.

What do you say?

No way, Old Smeller.

We have drawn our line in the sand and we shall not be moved.

- Yeah! - Fine.

If you want an all-out war...

...you've got one.

No Ma'am heavyweight division, company halt.

Present...

...beer bellies!

Boogie down.

What the hell is going on here?

Counterprotest. We're dancing.

Hell, that ain't dancing.

This is dancing.

One, two, three, four We will breast-feed in your store

One, two, three, four We will...

Bud, wake up.

Oh, La Toya.

Did you foresee our love in advance?

Bud, wake up.

You were dreaming again.

Was it the Judds?

No, the Jacksons.

It wasn't Tito, was it?

I'm afraid so.

He was just teaching me how to dance.

Who cares. My commercial's coming on for Khalil's False Eye-Emporium.

Hi, I'm Kelly for Khalil's--

We now bring you this important news bulletin.

Just my luck.

Every time I get a commercial, some stupid war breaks out...

...in some stupid country I can't even pronounce.

That could be France.

I said "country."

One, two, three, four We will breast-feed in your store

I'm Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal...

...still here at Gary's Shoe Store...

...because, quite frankly, I have a mortgage to pay.

It's really anyone's guess how this one will turn out.

But my guess is, since it is 4 a.m...

...you're either watching Gilligan's Island or you're on it.

Another late-breaking story.

An unidentified woman waiting for her husband...

...was chased from the train station...

...by a gang of people at 3 a.m. this morning.

But then again, this is Chicago, so that's not really news.

Back to you, Miranda.

What kind of woman would hang out at the train station at 3:00 in the morning?

Hi, kids. I'm home.

So where's your father?

- This better be good. - Oh, it is.

One, two, three, four We will breast-feed in your store