Original subtitles

Excuse me.

Do you know where Ballswood House is?

- Ballswood House? - Yeah.

What… It's round here, is it?

Yeah.

It's near King's Cross.

Well, ain't you got no street name?

No what?

This all you got? Ain't you got no directions?

No, that's it.

Hang on.

Come with me. Come on.

Come on, then.

You heard of a Ballswood House?

Ballswood? What's that, a joke?

No, no, there's a geezer here, he's looking for Ballswood House.

Oh, hello. Come in.

Ballswood.

There's Balls Pond Road.

Yeah, I know. I've got that.

Come in. Put your bag down. Shut the door.

CYRIL: No. There's no Ballswood.

- Sit down. Want a cup of tea? - Yes, please.

Yeah, go on, sit down.

Thanks.

- Who gave you that? - My mum.

- You on your holidays? - He's looking for his sister.

- I've come to get a job. - SHIRLEY: Ah!

- SHIRLEY: Where are you from then? - Byfleet.

- SHIRLEY: Where's that? - Surrey.

- Is it? - Yeah.

So, what, you've come out to London looking for work?

- Yeah. - You'll be lucky, mate.

I'm gonna get a job on a building site.

- Oh, yeah? - Vivien said.

SHIRLEY: Who's Vivien?

My sister, Vivien Bennett. Do you know her?

No.

- SHIRLEY: Help yourself to a biscuit. - CYRIL: Yeah.

Thanks.

What's that?

It's a cactus, innit?

- Oh. - CYRIL: Guess what its name is.

Don't know.

Thatcher.

'Cause it's a pain in the arse.

Prongs you every time you walk past it.

That bit's Denis.

Is it?

That's Bollock, Dick, Turd, Brains. That's Willy. That's Knob.

They've all got names.

CYRIL: Did your mum write that down for you?

- Yeah. - SHIRLEY: There's a bit missing.

Is there?

CYRIL: She ain't put the street name down you see?

How do you mean?

Ballswood House is a block of flats.

No, no, it's a house, you see. 29, Ballswood House.

Yeah, but it's in a street, and you ain't got the street name.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, when you've had your tea,

go down the station, yeah?

- Ask the cabbie. - Yeah, they know all the flats.

Who are they?

Cabbies. Taxi drivers.

- You'll be all right. - Yeah.

You go right and then right again.

- Right… - No, left and left.

- It's quicker to go right. - No.

It don't make no difference, does it?

No, it don't, does it?

- All right, go left and then left again. - Right…

Well, then again, you could go right and right.

Whatever, it's just over the back here.

See you. Here, what's your name?

- Wayne. What's yours? - Oh.

Shirley. That's Cyril.

- Pleased to meet you. - Hello.

Mind how you go, then.

- Bye. - Take care of yourself.

WAYNE: Thanks.

Bye.

(CHUCKLING)

CYRIL: I bet you a quid he goes left.

SHIRLEY: Right, you're on. CYRIL: Go on, my son.

SHIRLEY: Ah… CYRIL: Yes! (CHUCKLES)

CYRIL: What's he doing?

- (LAUGHING) - (LAUGHS) I don't believe it.

Go on, Wayne.

Want to come see my old lady, get it over with?

Give us my pound, first.

I got no change, have I?

Mum?

How have you been, then? All right?

Mmm. Could be better.

CYRIL: Ain't you been well?

- Hey? - What's the matter?

MRS BENDER: Nothing.

That's all right then, innit?

(SIGHS)

Do you want anything? You want a cup of tea?

- Why, what's the time? - SHIRLEY: It's about three o'clock.

No, it's too early for me.

Please yourself.

- It'll spoil my tea, won't it? - Yeah.

You can have one if you like.

No. I don't want one.

I'll have one. (CHUCKLES)

- You want one, do you? - One sugar.

- Biscuit? - (LAUGHS)

Got any chocolate biscuits?

- No. - Oh, it don't matter.

- You'll have plain then, would you? - Anything will do.

Save me a couple for my tea, won't you?

Yeah, all right, all right.

Been out anywhere then?

When?

I don't know… Yesterday? Friday?

Oh. I thought you meant today.

SHIRLEY: No.

Where would I go on a Sunday?

Church? (LAUGHING)

Only joking.

Yeah, we can't stop long. We just popped round to see if you were all right.

We only just got here.

You heard from Valerie yet?

- No. - Yeah, you're better off, ain't you?

She can suit herself.

Yeah, she will.

The big seven-o soon, innit?

- What's that? - It's your birthday coming up.

Oh…

Yeah. Be getting a telegram from the Queen, I expect.

She a good mate of yours, is she, the Queen?

When are you going to smarten yourself up?

The day they machine-gun the Royal Family, I'll comb my hair and put a tie on.

(MOUTHING)

(MRS BENDER COUGHS)

Feel better?

Hey?

CYRIL: You've been asleep for a couple of hours.

I haven't.

- You have. - (CHUCKLES)

Shut up. He's winding you up.

I only shut my eyes for a minute.

What are you doing?

I'm just looking at these window boxes, ain't I?

I don't think no-one's in.

There never is of a weekend.

No, they've gone to their country mansion.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

This was a different street when I was a kid.

Before the middle classes took over.

I bet your mum's the only council tenant left round here.

(CHUCKLES)

Here, have a look at this.

A pity your mum ain't got central heating, ain't it?

CYRIL: Ain't the same, is it?

SHIRLEY: Why do they want to come and live around here for, anyway?

CYRIL: They buy these houses for sod all and sell them for a fortune.

SHIRLEY: It ain't a home, though, is it? CYRIL: No, it ain't.

CYRIL: It's a capital investment.

SHIRLEY: My thumb's aching. Is yours? CYRIL: Come on, then.

(MUSIC PLAYING FROM STEREO)

I bet your mum did vote Tory last year.

Course she did.

(LAUGHS) She wasn't even gonna vote. We took her round there.

If she'd voted Labour, she'd have owned up, would she?

Yeah.

Working-class Tories stab themselves in the back.

What did your mum used to work at?

She never had no job.

How about when she first left school?

She worked in a canteen.

Oh, yeah.

It was during the war.

She stayed at home after she had your Valerie, didn't she?

Yeah.

I don't know if I'd go back to work or not.

What do you mean?

After I've had a kid, of course.

You haven't got a kid yet, have you?

I know I ain't got a kid yet.

So what are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

It's an over-populated world as it is.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Oh, wotcha. - All right?

- What, no luck? - No.

Couldn't you find it?

No, I found it.

Yeah, you'd better come in, then.

Thanks.

- You don't live your life to please your mum. - SHIRLEY: Cyril don't.

If you've got nowhere to go, you go home, don't you?

I can't, really.

- Have you had a row with your mum? - Sort of.

Yeah? Because you ain't got a job?

- No, 'cause I got the pies wrong. - What pies?

I was supposed to get steak and kidney pies and I got pork pies instead.

That was last week.

Your mum, she spoke to your sister on the phone, did she?

WAYNE: Yeah. SHIRLEY: When was that?

WAYNE: Last week.

CYRIL: And your sister knew you was coming?

WAYNE: Yeah.

- How do you know? - Because my mum said.

SHIRLEY: Well, ring your mum up and tell her your sister wasn't in.

WAYNE: I can't do that. SHIRLEY: Why?

WAYNE: 'Cause we're not on the phone.

SHIRLEY: Ah!

(WHISPERING) Maybe we ought to let him stay here tonight.

I think so.

Yeah, well, you can stay here tonight, if you want.

You can sleep with Cyril.

Now, leave it out. We've got another room. There's a mattress in there.

Is there? Thanks.

Better than walking the streets.

SHIRLEY: Want a biscuit? WAYNE: No, I'm all right. Thanks.

SHIRLEY: Ain't you hungry? WAYNE: No, I had a Wimpy.

SHIRLEY: Oh…

What are you doing?

- What am I doing? - WAYNE: Yeah.

I'm going to get out of it, Wayne.

How do you mean?

Where did you go? That Wimpy down by the station?

Yeah. There's a lot of people about, isn't there?

Yeah.

- CYRIL: Was you hassled? - What?

Did anyone give you any aggravation?

- Yeah. This bloke started staring at me. - SHIRLEY: Did he?

And then he said something.

- What did he say? - Don't know. I didn't understand.

Oh…

There's a lot of dodgy geezers about.

Yeah. You've got to be careful.

I think if your sister ain't in tomorrow, you'd better go back to Byfleet.

- No, I can't do that. - Why?

'Cause my mum would be annoyed with me.

Was you wearing them on the way here?

Yeah, I was.

They're bright, aren't they?

Shut up, they're nice. (CHUCKLES)

(SHIRLEY CHUCKLING)

That'll do. Right, right, lay down.

Put your arms in. That's it.

That's it.

(SHIRLEY SIGHS)

One.

Two.

- (ZIPPER ZIPPING) - There.

Can I have my stereo, please?

SHIRLEY: Cor, that's a bit smart, innit?

- CYRIL: It's a ghetto blaster. - Thanks.

- CYRIL: Good night. - Good night.

- SHIRLEY: Night, Wayne. - Good night.

- Sleep tight. - Hope the fleas don't bite.

(LAUGHING)

CYRIL: What did he say?

SHIRLEY: (LAUGHING) He said he hopes the fleas don't bite!

- (MUSIC PLAYING FROM WAYNE'S STEREO) - (CHUCKLING)

Hark at him. (LAUGHS)

(MIMICKING WAYNE'S MOTHER) You turn that radio off!

(MIMICKING WAYNE'S MOTHER) Wayne, I'll give you a smack.

What do you think this is, a bleeding disco?

(LAUGHING) Shut up.

Don't laugh.

He'd get on your wick, though, wouldn't he?

I hope I don't have a kid that's a bit thick.

(SOFTLY) Cyril?

Wake up.

- He's still asleep. See you. - (KISSING)

Your tea's getting cold.

You remember where it is, do you? Ballswood House?

Yeah, it's just round the corner. Not far, really.

- Let's hope she's there. - I expect she is.

This is Cyril to Greased Lightning. Cyril to Greased Lightning, over.

Well, if she ain't you get on the bus, you go straight back to Byfleet.

- You know what I mean? - (RADIO HISSES)

MAN: (ON RADIO) Roger, Cyril. Come on the bike, and bloody hurry up!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm on my bike. Over and out.

Who was you speaking to?

My office.

How fast can this bike go really?

- This? - Yeah.

As fast as I want it to.

Mind your back, then.

(MOTORBIKE REVVING)

(HORN HONKING)

(BOTH TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

I disagree. I think he'll be tremendously amused.

Whereas, one can hardly call Rosie a lady.

(LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT)

I'd like you to give me a hand with these things.

Well, I'll take the pheasant.

(INDISTINCT)

- Boo! Hi, Mum. You're looking well. - Oh!

- MRS BENDER: You made me jump. - Oh…

God, look at me. They think they own the whole bleeding street.

Couldn't you leave him outside?

Mum! How many times do I have to tell you? He is a she. Right?

It took me a week to get all them hairs off the furniture.

So, it'll give you something to do, won't it? (CHUCKLING)

There you are. (SIGHS)

What are they saying about my baby?

- Hmm? - What's this?

Happy Christmas. (CHUCKLING)

It's nearly February.

So? Listen, Mum, what are you saying?

- Bit late, innit? - Well, you've got it now.

Haven't you? You had the choice.

You could have come to us on Christmas Day, and you didn't.

Do you want it now or don't you?

- I don't care. - You don't care, it's always the same.

You never care. You never have cared.

Well, please yourself.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Are you going in? - No, I phoned Jeremy.

What did you say?

I told him something rather urgent had cropped up.

(CHUCKLING) Just a minute.

- What do you mean? - I've got a surprise for you.

- Where are you going? - Stay where you are. (GIGGLING)

I like surprises.

So, uh, when are you coming over?

Don't know.

What about Sunday week?

I'll pick you up.

I'm not going with Martin.

I said I'll pick you up!

LAETITIA: Come and get me.

Mr Sausage, hello!

Mr Sausage is on the stairs!

Naughty Mr Sausage!

Very naughty Mr Sausage.

Mr Sausage deserves a smack.

On his botty!

(LAUGHING)

Mr Sausage is coming to get you!

- No, he's not. - Oh, yes, he is.

No, he isn't.

Yes, he is!

I'm coming to get Mr Sausage.

Oh, jolly good!

(LAUGHING)

Are you gonna open your present or not?

MRS BENDER: What is it?

VALERIE: It's for your blood pressure.

Look. Let's open it.

See?

Are you pleased with it? Are you?

Do you want to sign for that?

Just wait a moment, can't you?

Now.

There you are.

Terrific.

I don't know what you're on about anyway.

- I gave you 100 Friday. - So?

- So where's it gone? - Oh!

- I want you. - Oh, don't start all that.

- I only want 50. - Look, I'm busy.

- Oh! Where are the customers? - Don't be funny.

- What do you want money for? - You've got your dinner round your mouth.

Get off, where are you going?

I'm gonna go shopping.

Well, use plastic. You got plenty of it.

- I can't. I left them at home. - Why not?

Well, go and get them. You ain't got nothing better to do!

You give me some cash!

Get off! Christ, you don't half pong! What have you got on?

Here's a tenner.

Hi!

Christ, I'm starving.

What's the matter with you, then?

VALERIE: There's nothing the matter with me.

- Do you want your dinner? - Of course I bloody do.

I could eat a horse between two mattresses.

Come on, then. What you got? What you got?

- Something special. - Wheel it in.

- Are you ready? - And willing.

- What's this? - Your dinner.

- You trying to be funny? - No.

- What are you laughing at then? - I'm not laughing.

- (GASPS) - (CHUCKLES)

- Typical. You can't take a joke. - What is?

Take a joke? I can take a joke. I don't get this joke.

If you don't give me any cash, then you get bread and water. All right?

You're round the bloody twist. I give you cash, I give you a bleeding fortune.

Look, I'm hungry. Give us that bread back.

- No. - Why not?

Because I have cooked your dinner.

Bon appetit.

I don't want it.

- What? - I ain't hungry.

(SIGHS) What do you mean?

I had some peanuts in the pub.

- Are you gonna eat this or not? - No.

Right.

Baby! Look what Mummy's cooked for you. Yes.

(CHUCKLING)

I want my prescription made up.

It's in my purse.

It's in the other one.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

It's in here somewhere.

Where is it?

- What? - My purse.

It's got my prescription in it.

Maybe you left it in your house.

I put it in my bag.

I'm sure I did.

That's fine.

Excuse me.

Just a minute.

I'm sorry?

I've locked myself out.

- Pardon? - I can't get in.

Ah! That's not a very clever thing to have done, is it?

Have you forgotten your keys?

I left my purse on top of the telly.

I couldn't get my pills…

Yes, but what have you done with your keys?

In my purse.

Ah, well… Um…

Have you seen a policeman?

Not around here.

Well, aren't there any neighbours you know who could help you out?

Not any more.

Well is there anyone you know who has another set of keys?

- My son… - I'm sorry?

My son and my daughter.

And where are they?

- My son'll be at work. - And what about your daughter?

She might be anywhere.

Well, is she on the telephone?

Yeah.

Well, then might I suggest you give her a ring

and tell her to come down here with a set of keys pronto?

- But I can't get in. - I'm sorry?

I can't get in my house.

Well, there are such things as telephone booths, you know?

I ain't got no money.

- Why ever not? - It's in my purse.

Oh! You have got yourself into a pickle, haven't you?

Well, uh…

If you'd like to give me your daughter's number,

I… I'll give her a quick ring for you.

I don't know her number. It's in my book indoors.

Well, is she in the telephone directory?

- I expect so. - Right.

Well, I suppose you'd better come in,

just for a moment.

Chop-chop.

No, no, no, we can't have that thing in the house, thank you.

- It might get pinched. - Don't be absurd.

(GRUNTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

LAETITIA: Mrs Burke?

Who wants to know?

- This is Laetitia Boothe-Braine. - Huh?

Your mother's next-door neighbour.

Oh, hi! (CHUCKLES)

I have your mother sitting here in my kitchen. It appears that she has locked herself out.

- So? - Don't you have a spare key?

Well, what if I have?

Well, perhaps you'd like to bring it over and rescue her.

Is she being a nuisance or something?

No. Not as yet, but I am a little pushed.

Hello?

How long are you likely to be?

Excuse me, did I say I was coming?

Well, if you're not, who is?

Okay, no hassle, we'll send someone over. All right?

Jolly good. Post haste.

- What? - Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

It's rather a large house for one person, don't you agree?

I manage.

- Milk? - Yes, please.

Yes, but you can hardly justify having three bedrooms there, can you?

It's my home.

Yes, it is at the moment, I grant you that. Sugar?

Fine…

I'm not sure that it wouldn't be better appreciated

by a professional couple or even a family.

- Biscuit? - Thank you.

I've always lived there.

Yes, that's as may be, but times change.

I think you'd be the first to agree

that you'd be far better off buying yourself a nice little modern granny flat.

Where would I get the money from?

Well, if you were to put your house on the market,

I think you'll find you've been sitting on a gold mine.

(SLURPING)

Do you have all your original features?

Cornices? Fireplaces?

I've got fireplaces. Yeah.

Yeah. Voila. Bring in the estate agents.

It's not my house.

Ah, it belongs to a member of your family?

- It belongs to the council. - Oh!

Well, mercifully, you people do have the opportunity

to purchase your council property nowadays.

I'd snap it up if I were you.

Then, of course, one re-sells.

Do you think I could use your toilet?

Ah, the lavatory.

Yah, I'll show you where it is in a minute.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Burke's Burgers, can I help you?

- Hi! - What do you want?

Who does Cyril work for?

I don't know. Greasy Pole or something. Why?

- He's got to go run to Mum's. - What for?

She's had a serious accident.

- Is she in hospital? - Martin!

She's locked out with that yuppie woman next door.

- Big deal. - Look, it's a matter of life and death.

Leave it out.

If she dies, on your head be it.

All right. Why don't you go round there then?

Oh, please!

Why, he could be anywhere, he might be in Timbuktu.

Oi, mind that fat!

Are you gonna get hold of him or not?

- I'll try, but… - I love you.

Oi, hang on a minute…

MAN: (ON RADIO) Cyril. Come in, Cyril.

Your old mum's had some bloody accident. Over.

Yeah, what's happened to her?

Don't know. She's next door. Number 55, is it?

I'd better shoot over there. I'm bailing out.

(GRUNTS)

You know, if you really don't have the capacity to remember things,

you ought to put them on a chain round your neck.

How was your lunch?

Minimalistic, to say the least.

Oh, God! Not that bloody awful nouvelle cuisine!

- Yeah. - You must be ravenous.

I did manage a couple of oysters.

RUPERT: Ah! Well done! I had a dozen.

- Oh, did you really? - Yeah.

The most enormous Chateaubriand.

Everybody else had some bilious-looking fish.

You'll never guess who Aunt Amanda brought along.

- Who? - Araminta de Winter.

- Really? - Yeah.

RUPERT: I had no idea they were friends.

LAETITIA: Oh, they've been chums for years.

Minty was trying to coax me into doing some charity work for her.

Charity work?

Spring function at Grosvenor House.

I said the only thing I felt sure of

was being able to solicit a couple of cases of something bubbly from my husband.

- (LAUGHING) - Did you, indeed?

I think that's awfully presumptuous of you.

To whom are we giving this time?

Mmm. Mentally handicapped, something or other.

Do they drink champagne?

Yes, I expect so.

Put me down.

Seen anything you like?

MRS BENDER: I can't see very well without my other glasses.

LAETITIA: Ah! You've left those inside as well, have you?

I don't bring them out, as a rule.

We are an old scatterbrain today, aren't we?

When can we expect these barry keys to arrive?

Well, A-S-A-P, hopefully.

- The traffic's appalling. - Mmm…

- All right like this, am I? - No, DJ, I think.

- Do you? Well, put it out, would you? - Yeah.

We're going to the opera.

Jeremy Rutland-Barrington will have to go.

Do tell.

Cracking jokes in French. None of which were remotely amusing.

Though I must say the frog teetotaller guffawed profusely.

- (LAUGHING) - Anyway…

Lance and I are having lunch next week at the club.

Oh, Jeremy's days are numbered, I feel.

Absolutely.

Now, how about getting outside with a brush

and giving the front of your house a lick of paint?

- Smarten it up a little bit, eh? - Yeah.

And your garden leaves a great deal to be desired.

You could have enormous fun out there.

Do you have green fingers?

My husband used to do all that.

- Ah! - Where is he now?

- He's dead. - Jolly good.

Where shall we eat afterwards?

- You choose. - Mmm.

The cavalry has arrived.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- I came as soon as I could. - Thank you.

- Laetitia, help is at hand. - Yeah.

- Ah, uh, hello. - Hi.

- Have you brought the keys? - Well, I'm not stupid, am I?

- (CHUCKLES) Jolly good. - Well done.

- Hello, Mum. - Hello.

Who's been a silly girl, then?

I don't think it'll happen again in a hurry.

- This is a nice little room. - Thank you, very much.

It's amazing what you can do with a slum, isn't it?

(CHUCKLING) Ah…

So, how long have you been here now?

- About 18 months. - Oh, so long?

So, um, you like it round here?

Yes, we find it extremely satisfactory, thank you.

- Each to his own. - (NERVOUSLY) I don't wish to appear rude,

but my husband and I do have an engagement and I've yet to take my bath.

I didn't want to come here in the first place, did I?

And I just want to say… Thank you for your hospitality.

Oh, uh, it's my pleasure.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Full steam ahead.

What are you trying to do to me, eh?

(GASPS) I don't believe this!

- What? - I've only forgotten the key.

- You haven't! - I have, if you must know.

Wait here.

And keep your mouth shut.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

May I use your phone?

- The phone? - What's the problem?

- You won't believe this. - RUPERT: What?

She's changed the lock. (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, for goodness' sake! - Extraordinary!

Well, our problem is, I'm afraid, we're rather strapped for time.

- Absolutely. - VALERIE: It'll only take a minute.

Don't you have a phone next door?

Oh, yeah, but we're locked out, aren't we?

- LAETITIA: But you brought the key. - It's the wrong one, isn't it?

- Oh, bad luck! - (SIGHS)

Well, quickly, quickly.

RUPERT: In you come.

What's happening, Valerie?

Shut up!

Who's coming with the key?

Trust me for once in your life, will you?

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Creeps in this petty pace.

Oh, really?

If we miss the overture, I suggest we cut our losses and go straight out to dinner.

- Yes, I'm well aware of the situation, Rupert. - Those seats cost £150.

(VALERIE GIGGLING)

- So, what goes on down there? - That's my husband's study.

Oh, look what they've done to your coal hole, Mum.

- Can I take a little peek? - Ah, well…

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

LAETITIA: Rupert!

Oh! This is a fun room, isn't it?

- Yeah. - So, what do you get up to down here, then?

You're not going to tell me, are you?

I bet you keep him on a tight rein.

For goodness' sake, my bath!

Titty!

- That's a nice suit. - Thank you.

(LAUGHING)

Are you in the city?

No, I'm in wine, as a matter of fact.

Oh! Permanently pickled! (GIGGLING)

What are you doing?

I think we're neglecting your mother.

Oh. Well, we wouldn't want to do that, would we?

(SNEEZING)

Andy, I've got to go.

Ah! Are you the bike with the infamous key?

- Yeah, what's happened to her? - Nothing. She's tip-top.

- She's what? - Excuse me.

- Do you mind? - No, do you?

- What are you doing here? - Ah! Hi, Shirl.

Now, are you quite sure you brought the right key?

- What are you on about? - For the door.

- Are you taking the piss? - What?

- Where's my mum? - Ah!

Now, look here, I really have no idea where your mother is,

who she may be, or indeed, whether you have one.

- Do you want a fat lip? - What?

- You heard. - Rupert, don't get involved.

Titty.

Now, what made this country great was a place for everyone,

and everyone in his place.

And this is my place.

- Hear, hear! - Fascist.

No, he's not, is he?

MRS BENDER: Is that Cyril?

- Is this your mother? Well, take her away. - Yeah.

And kindly remove that ridiculous Heath Robinson contraption

from off my property.

- Oh, do you own this, then? - Yes, we do.

I thought it was council.

What the bloody hell's going on?

She forgot her key, didn't she. I'll take that, Mrs Bender.

I thought you'd had an accident or something. I didn't know what you were on about.

- Where's your key? - Oh, hi, Cyril. Long time no see.

- CYRIL: Eh? - I'll put the kettle on.

CYRIL: Oi, I'm talking to you.

SHIRLEY: Are you cold, Mrs Bender?

I bet she's got her key with her.

Yeah, she might have.

What happened then?

Didn't they treat you right, next door?

Mum? What's the matter?

Your dad ain't come in yet, has he? I ain't done the potatoes.

CYRIL: Don't be so daft.

Yeah. Give me my purse.

Hurry up.

He's not on late turn, is he?

He's dead, Mum.

MRS BENDER: Here's my prescription.

There's your keys.

Who's that? Is this Rene?

It's Shirley.

You're not too big for a good hiding, you know.

VALERIE: Shirl?

- What? - Come and give us a hand.

I'll give her a right-hander.

I need someone to carry the tray.

- (CHUCKLES) - You carry the tray!

CYRIL: What's the matter with you?

Don't kick up such a row.

- Sorry. - Want to take your hat off, then?

No.

Oh, all right.

(GIGGLING)

There's your tea, Mum. I've left the bag in.

MRS BENDER: I've had enough tea for one day.

Well, you don't have to drink it if you don't want to.

- Oi. What are you up to? - What?

- What do you mean? - You know what I mean.

- Yeah. - What is this?

- Some kind of interrogation or something? - Yeah.

How's your blood pressure, Mum, eh?

- I asked you a question. - Look, not in front of Mum, all right?

- Why? - We need to talk.

- So start talking. - Well, not here.

- All right, we'll go outside. - Okay.

Won't be a sec, Mum.

- I'll wait here, eh? - No, come on.

Sunday week, I'm throwing a surprise party for Mum's 70th birthday

and I want you both to be there, okay?

- I want to know who phoned my office? - Well, I didn't.

- Well, who did? - Martin.

- They said she'd had an accident. - I didn't tell him that.

- Well, what did you tell him? - Oh, he is a bastard.

- Well, what did you say? - Well, I told him the truth,

- what else would I say? - Of course. What else?

- Thanks, Shirl. - You're out of your mind. Do you know that?

Well, it takes one to know one, Cyril.

So, are you coming Sunday week or not?

Oh, leave it out.

Try to get him to be there, Shirl. About 4:30. For Mum's sake, okay?

Bye!

I'll give you a ring, Mum.

- All right? - Oh, no. Cyril, you'll never guess.

- CYRIL: What? - In you come.

Thanks.

- All right? - Yes, thanks.

- Feel better now? - Yeah.

- Good. You shouldn't eat too many Wimpys. - Yeah, I was all full up.

- Yeah, wash your hands, then. - Thanks.

That's it. Here. Dry your hands on that.

We thought we'll take a walk round there with you, Wayne.

- Yeah. - Round where?

- Round Vivien's. - Yeah, but she's not in.

We'll find out, won't we?

Here, put your coat on.

Can't we go round there tomorrow?

Come on, hurry up.

It's freezing out there.

Don't look so worried. Come on.

What if she comes back tonight?

Go on, go, go! Drive him away!

You know… You know who he reminds me of?

- Who? - ET.

(CHUCKLING)

SHIRLEY: Go home, ET.

- See you, Wayne. - He's gonna get off.

Oh, leave it out.

- CYRIL: Hurray! - (SHIRLEY LAUGHING)

Should we go to that party? At Valerie's.

Leave it out.

Well, it might be a good laugh.

(GIGGLING)

You just want to have a look at their house, don't you?

Yeah. (LAUGHING)

Have a good gander about.

No, I was thinking about your mum, really.

She won't notice if we're there or not.

I think she'll notice if you ain't there.

Get in.

Thank you very much.

(MIMICKING RUPERT) "What made this country great was a place for everyone…"

"And everyone in his place."

- "And this…" - "Is my place."

- Quite right. - Want to go back to our place?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

♪ Say ye who borrow

♪ Love's witching spells

♪ What is this sorrow

♪ Naught can dispel? ♪

Must we have that bloody awful hymn?

(CHUCKLING) It's not a hymn, darling.

We sang it at school.

- It's from an opera. - What?

I'll give you a teeny-weeny little clue as to which one.

We saw it tonight.

(LAUGHING)

No!

It's easier in English.

♪ What is this sorrow… ♪

Two steaks, same day. Totally different.

(CHUCKLES) Silly sausage.

Do you know, I really wasn't very keen on the soprano.

Too much vibrato.

Kiri?

No, Kiri's a mezzo.

- Marvellous. - I'm talking about Susannah.

- Which one's she? - The little one.

Oh, the dwarf.

Dreadful thick ankles.

Ah! The man dressed as the woman.

No, darling!

How many times?

Cherubino is the woman who plays the boy who dresses up as a girl.

Ah.

Is my neck looking a little saggy?

Can you see any lines?

Darling?

It… It looks absolutely fine.

- No cold hands. - Sorry!

I thank God every day I've been blessed with such beautiful skin.

(SIGHS)

You really are a very lucky boy.

You take me for granted.

You start.

You start.

You start.

No, you start.

You start.

You bloody start.

Oh, come on.

You get on top.

No, I don't want to get on top.

Start what, anyway?

You're Michael Douglas.

Who?

Michael Douglas.

Who's Michael Douglas?

Michael…

I ain't Michael Douglas.

I'm a virgin.

(LAUGHING)

(COUGHING)

He died with his boots on. (LAUGHING)

He was too pissed to take 'em off.

Do you want me to help you?

Oh, yeah.

- What will you give me first? - Anything.

(LAUGHS) Anything?

- I might hold you to that. - You name it.

- This is bloody good of you. - (LAUGHING)

Don't mention it, old chap.

♪ Unzip a banana ♪

(LAUGHING)

His mum never showed him how to undo his laces.

Give it, give it a good tug.

Oh, I was gonna ease it off.

I'll tell you what,

if I can't ease it off, I'll give it a good tug.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, that weren't half nice.

Did you come? (LAUGHING)

This little piggy went to market.

This little piggy stayed at home.

This little piggy had roast beef. And this little piggy had none.

And this little piggy was a bad little piggy and went wee all the way home.

What's the matter?

I'm thinking.

What are you thinking about?

Something sexy?

It has got something to do with sex.

Well, you know me, I'm game for anything.

Are you going to put your cap in?

Do I have to?

What do you mean, do you have to?

Oh, I get it.

No, you don't have to. We could go to sleep.

- You think I'm being selfish, don't you? - Yeah.

You can think what you like.

All your family are fucked up.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

How am I fucked up, then?

Go on, you might be right.

Families fuck you up, that's the truth.

My family didn't fuck me up.

Well, you were lucky, weren't you?

Look at your brother, strutting about in his uniform.

That's just my brother, innit.

- What about your mum then? - What about her?

Well…

She's catatonic, isn't she?

Your dad never says two words to her.

They're out of date, families.

Ain't no use any more.

Is that what you really think?

Yeah. Two's company, know what I mean?

I like living here. Don't you?

Yeah.

This is my place.

Our place.

Oh, yeah.

He's a bit big, isn't he?

He was a giant.

No, I mean his head.

He's all right.

What he done was he wrote down the truth.

People was being exploited.

The Industrial Revolution, they was forced off the land into the factories.

There weren't no working class before then.

He set down a programme for change.

SHIRLEY: He's got his whole family in there with him.

CYRIL: Without Marx, they wouldn't have been nothing.

SHIRLEY: Oh, look, his grandson was only four when he died.

CYRIL: Kids died young in them days.

I know.

Wouldn't have been no unions,

no welfare state, no nationalised industries.

I wish I'd brought some flowers, now.

Don't matter, does it, flowers?

What you mean, it don't matter?

He's dead.

You're going on about him.

I'm talking about his ideas.

I know.

"The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways.

"The point, however, is to change it."

There you are.

Oh, look. There's the chairman of the South African Communist Party here.

Oh, sempervivums.

I've got these in the back room at home.

They're succulents.

(WIND HOWLING)

The thing is, change what?

It's a different world now, innit?

That ivy could do with a bit of a prune.

By the year 2000, there'll be 36 TV stations,

24 hours a day, telling you what to think.

They've planted them trees right on top of them graves.

Pissing in the wind, innit?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You ain't interested, are you?

Yes, I am.

I care a lot.

Wotcha, comrades.

Hello, Suzi.

- Long time, no see. - You all right?

Yeah, I've been fine. Where have you been?

Highgate Cemetery.

Oh! Someone dead?

Yeah, Karl Marx.

- (CHUCKLES) - Oh, yeah, of course.

You should have known that.

I did know that. I just forgot.

He's a reactionary sod, my old dad.

When I go home for a visit,

I'm sitting there watching telly, right,

and I look at him and I know he wants to clout me.

- Perhaps she won't tell him, eh? - She will.

They're like that, them two. Always have been.

When we was kids, she was always Daddy's golden girl.

He's a self-made man, right, and she's a bleedin' yuppie.

He loves all that.

He thinks… They both think that the sun shines out of Thatcher's arse.

That's out of order, innit, grassing you up to your old man.

Yeah, but she's bitter.

If she had her way, she'd ban abortions altogether.

Do you know what she called me this morning?

A murderer!

Why can't she have kids then?

It's something to do with her hormones.

She's got to take these tablets,

cause she can't hold an egg.

- Can't she? - And they make her fat,

so she gets all emotional.

They've got this spare room, right, and that's where I always stay.

So, I says to 'em, "Why don't you let me live here

"and I'll give you a bit of money out of my dole every week?"

Then, and she says, "That's not a spare room. That's a nursery."

So I says, "Well, it's not a nursery, is it, cause you ain't got a baby."

She went up the wall.

She said, "You shouldn't have got pregnant in the first place."

As if I did it on purpose.

As if I put myself through all that for fun.

I wouldn't have an abortion.

- Wouldn't you? - Nah.

SUZI: Well, that's your choice, innit? SHIRLEY: Yeah.

You ain't against them, though, are you?

You know I ain't.

You're like my sister.

You've got a spare room. You could have a baby.

You got anyone staying tonight?

No, the room's empty.

It's nothing to do with governments. It's a woman's choice.

And if they find that it's an abnormal foetus,

well, again, that's a woman's choice. It's her body.

I think, right, that once a foetus is growing, it's alive.

Yeah, but then how do you know when it starts to think or feel anything?

- Well, you don't, but it's still a living thing. - So's a cabbage. You still cut it up.

What pisses me off is everyone goes on about the unborn foetus.

No-one gives a shit what sort of world kids are being born into.

Right. If you ain't got no money, well, excuse me for breathing, right.

I mean, we're fighting, right, to hold onto rights we fought for years ago.

She's already crippled the welfare state.

And now she's gonna kill it off because the power isn't with the workers.

I wanna go to Nicaragua in October, to help them pick the coffee beans.

That's what we need here see, a revolution!

CYRIL: Here we go.

Well, that'll put back the power with the people. Where it belongs.

What do you know about revolution? There ain't gonna be no revolution here.

You can't say that. The situation's ripe for it.

What with the unemployment and poverty and that.

We're heading towards a totalitarian state.

But the people won't have it. They're gonna fight.

She's taken away the basic right of the working class.

I mean, you look at what she's doing to the unions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know about unions.

You're not in a union, now, are you?

Well, we ain't got no union.

Right, that's what you've got to do, organise yourselves.

Otherwise you won't have a voice.

- Still looking for a job, then? - There's no point.

Unless you're a skilled worker.

What are you gonna do then?

Well, I might get a stall in the market.

- Like Linda. - Oh, what, jewellery?

Yeah. But I've got to learn how to make it.

I'll have to have a soldering kit.

So you're going into business? Small-time capitalist.

Shut up, Cyril. She didn't say that.

- Yes, she did. - No, she never.

One minute, she's talking about revolutionary socialism,

the next she's starting a business. Think!

- You think. - Talks a load of bollocks.

She always does.

Are you warm enough, Suzi?

Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.

- Still go to your meetings, then? - Yes.

Wednesday nights.

You should come along, Cyril.

I'm not much of a lad for meetings.

It'd do you good to get out and do something,

instead of sitting on your arse talking about it, eh.

So what is it you do at these meetings?

We discuss things.

Yeah, but what do you actually do?

- We talk about things. - So, you talk about things. What good's that?

- It gets it clear in your brain. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah, so when you're out in the street talking to people,

you know what you're talking about.

Yeah, but apart from the yabber, what do you actually do?

- We're working towards the revolution. - You're wasting your time, then, ain't you?

Well, what do you do?

Sit on my arse.

I don't know why you don't get yourself out.

Have some fun. I won't stop you.

I'm really dying to go out on the town. Can't wait.

That's why I'm always going on about having babies.

- Same thing, innit? - What's the same?

Nah…

All a bourgeois game, innit.

Get yourself into a nice house, couple of kids, dog…

A garden with a greenhouse.

I wouldn't say no to the greenhouse.

- I don't know what you want. - No, you don't know what I want, do you?

I feel cut off.

- What, from me? - No, not from you.

- Tell me what you want. - Don't tell me what to say.

I ain't telling you, I'm asking you.

I can't say. It's too obvious.

- Too complicated. - Go on.

It sounds stupid.

I want everyone to have enough to eat.

(CHUCKLES)

I told you.

- Places to live, jobs. - Don't we all?

Then you have babies.

I ain't gonna get what I want though, am I?

No.

- So, do you want to knock it on the head? - I can't wave a magic wand.

I'm a dead loss.

I do nothing but sit here moaning.

I don't know why you don't clear off.

- I would. - Well, go on, then.

If I didn't love you.

I don't want you to go. I just keep feeling I'm holding you back.

You are holding me back, you stupid bastard.

You're thick.

The world ain't ever gonna be perfect.

Now, then, how's my little birthday girl?

Cheer up, it might never happen.

How old are you, 21? (LAUGHS)

Seventeen, and never been kissed?

Er, I said "kissed!"

I bet you was a right little raver, wasn't you, in your day?

Doing the Charleston. (LAUGHS)

Know what I mean?

Here, do you fancy a drink?

I don't go in pubs.

Come on, don't be a pain in the arse.

There's a couple of old geezers in my boozer who'd cream their jeans over you.

Get their pacemakers going at 78, you would.

Where's Valerie?

Hangover or something.

Cor, I could do with some of that.

Won't be a minute, my darling. Just going to see a man about a dog.

(DOOR OPENS)

All right, my darling?

How are you doing?

You give me a fright.

A little surprise for you. You like little surprises, don't you?

- What's the time, anyway? - Come on, give us a kiss.

- (MOANS) - Come on!

- What's the matter? - I'll put the kettle on.

Ah, sod all that. I ain't got a lot of time. I'm in a rush.

It don't half pong in here.

Gordon Bennett!

Oi, come on!

- Do you want tea or coffee? - I don't want nothing. Come here.

I waited till half twelve for you the other night.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got a bit tied up there. Sorry about that.

What do you mean?

Oh, some wallies from Birmingham showed up.

Come on, darling. I'm rock hard.

- Don't be so rude. - Look, leave it out! I am.

Look, don't mess me about, I've only got about 10 minutes.

- I've got somebody in the car. - Who?

- Don't matter. - Who's in the car?

Someone you don't know.

Come on, darling. Let's go to bed.

- Get off. - You know you want it.

- Let's just do it. - (GROANING)

- Who is it? - Who's what?

In the car.

My mother-in-law, if you must know.

Liar.

It is.

Have you seen your kid?

No.

I've seen neither of them since before Christmas.

What are you doing?

I've got to go.

I'll catch up with you, right?

(MOANS)

(GROANS)

(EXHALING)

Shall we go home now, then? (LAUGHS)

(GIGGLES) Hi, Cyril.

So you found it all right? Hi, Shirl.

All right?

Well, don't just stand there. Come in.

Must be cold on that bike.

So, you're gonna hide behind this door.

And when she comes in,

I want you to jump out like this, and give her a surprise. All right?

- Just like that? - That's right, Shirley.

It'll frighten the life out of her.

Cyril, just relax, please.

I am relaxed.

- Do you think they got lost then? - No!

Oh! Is that for me?

- No, it's your mum's birthday present. - Hmph!

- Crisp, Shirl? - No, thanks.

Cyril won't want one. (GIGGLES)

- So what is it then? - It's a shawl.

Oh, she won't like that. (GIGGLES)

What did you get her?

Well, why should I tell you?

Have you seen our fire?

You can turn it up or down. Look!

- It's not real. - Ain't it?

- Did you choose all this, then? - Yeah. Do you like it?

Bit noisy, innit?

I can't hear anything.

- We're detached. - Are you?

SHIRLEY: This supposed to be a chess set, then?

- Don't you play, Shirl? - Yeah. Do you?

Yeah! (GIGGLES)

Yeah?

You've got all the bits in the wrong place, ain't she love?

That's a rook. It's supposed to go on the outside.

SHIRLEY: And that should go there, right?

Leave that alone, please! All right, look.

(CLATTERING)

I like it like that, all right?

(HONKS)

Here he is, the jerk in the Merc.

No, the wanker in the tanker.

- (LAUGHS) - CYRIL: The weasel in the diesel.

Where the bleedin' hell have you been?

- I got tied up. - What do you mean tied up?

- Business. - What sort of business on a Sunday?

None of your business.

Never mind about that. She wants to go to the khazi. She's bursting.

- Close the door. - Close your mouth.

- All right, Cyril? How are you doing? - All right, Martin.

- Wotcha, Sheila. - Shirley.

- Want a drink? - I've got one, thanks… Marvin.

Mum, what are you doing in there?

Oh, come on!

What have you got your hat on for?

Going on your holidays?

Don't leave that there.

Oh, bloody hell!

- You said you was coming for me. - Shut up!

♪ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear Mum Happy birthday to you ♪

(GIGGLES)

- All right? - Look who's here.

- Get your breath back. - It's Cyril. What a surprise!

- You all right, Mrs Bender? - And he's brought Shirley.

Nanny, my darling, what are you going to have to drink? A little Sherry?

- Champagne! - We ain't got no champagne.

- We have, actually. Six bottles. - A cup of tea.

- You don't want tea. - Yes, she does.

- It's your birthday! - Get her a cup of tea.

We've got all the drink money can buy.

Why has she got to have a cup of tea?

MARTIN: Oi, get her a cup of tea.

- It's what she wants. - She always spoils everything.

Hello, baby.

I'm sorry, Shirl.

Over there, please! Thank you.

Mum, I've got your tea here.

This is bloody barmy, everybody sitting round the table.

Shut up.

Anybody'd think we was having steak and chips or something.

Don't drag her!

I know how to handle my own mum, thank you.

Sit down. You're the birthday girl. (GIGGLES)

Shirl, sit down.

- Cyril, not there. - Well, where, then?

Over there, next to Shirley.

Martin, what are you doing?

- Getting pissed. - Well, come and sit at the head of the table.

I'll go and get the tea.

I wouldn't eat too many of them, Cyril, you might get stomach-ache.

Handy, though, eh, a brass banana.

You never know when you're gonna want one of those.

They don't grow on trees.

Martin! The champagne!

All right, keep your hair on.

Shall I give her her present now then?

Yeah, go on.

We bought you this for your birthday.

What is it?

- Well, open it. - It's a shawl, innit?

Here we are! (GIGGLES)

What am I supposed to do with this?

I told you so. (GIGGLES)

Wrap it round your shoulders. Keep yourself warm.

Did you get our present, Mum?

- What? - My present.

- No. - Oh, typical Harrods!

Why don't you shut your gob?

(GIGGLES AWKWARDLY)

Shall I get rid of that?

- There we are, blossom. - Shirley.

- I don't want any. - Go on, get it down you.

It's the best money can buy. You'll have some won't you, Cyril?

- No, I've got a beer over here. I'll drink that. - Yeah, so will I.

What's the matter? You want a beer?

- Here, come get them beers. - We're not having beer. We've got champagne.

If they want beer, they shall have beer.

- Martin, what are you playing at? - Get out of it.

MARTIN: Here we are. Dos cervezas, por favor.

Now, then my darling, you know class when you see it, don't you?

- No, I don't want any. - Come on, you only live once.

- What about me? - All right, all right!

Mum, pick up your glass.

- Pick it up! - Don't talk to her like that.

Shirl, this is a family occasion, all right?

I would like to propose a toast to Mum's birthday

'cause it could be her last.

(GIGGLING)

(SOBBING)

MARTIN: So, what you've got to learn, Cyril,

is you've got to speculate to accumulate.

Accumulate what?

Money. What's your weekly turnover?

Do you mean what the boss makes?

No, I meant what you make.

Mind your own business.

You can trust me. Who am I going to tell?

I earn enough.

I bet you don't.

You all right, Mrs Bender?

I'm still alive.

And kicking.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Cyril.

I'm gonna give you a piece of professional advice.

Go on.

Your best bet is to form yourself a little company.

What for?

Well, you let all the other wallies do the dirty work,

and you sit in Happy Valley collecting the dosh.

I wouldn't do that on principle.

How do you mean?

(LAUGHS)

No, look, I'm being serious. Business is booming.

They all need delivery boys. What are you waiting for?

It ain't everybody's purpose in life to accumulate money.

Ah, out of order, Cyril.

I'll tell you something free of charge, every man has his price.

- We ain't all like you. - I know you ain't all like me. Very few are.

But he's in a dead-end job.

What are you gonna be doing when you're 45, 50?

You won't want to be schlepping around the streets, all weathers, on a moped

all day and half the night. You've got to think ahead.

I'll manage.

Where do you think this lot come from?

Off the back of a lorry. (CHUCKLES)

You ain't as stupid as you look, are you?

Shame I can't say the same about you, innit?

You've got a lot to learn, Cyril.

How long have you and Cyril been going together?

- About 10 years. - Gonna get married?

Why, what's it to you?

Well, if you get married, we'd be related, wouldn't we?

(LAUGHS)

But in the meantime…

Have you ever done any modelling?

No, but I've done a bit of yodelling.

♪ She taught me to yodel, yodel-ay-ee-hee… ♪

I see you ain't done none.

Have you and Cyril got one of these,

what do you call it, uh, open relationship, sort of thing?

MARTIN: Nip off and do other things now and again?

- SHIRLEY: Like what? - Bit of this, bit of that.

- A bit of the other? - You got it.

Why? Is that what you do, then?

Not me. I'm a happily married man.

Oh, yeah. You've got a great big car, ain't you?

Are you gonna come out in the garden, yeah?

- No. - Give me some of your professional advice?

Do me a favour.

Actually, there's one particular plant I'd like you to have a look at for me.

Yeah, I'll bet there is.

Down the bottom end, away from the house.

- Yeah? - Mmm.

Hang on, I'll go and get my garden shears out.

Come on, it's nice and dark now.

I hope she ain't too cold.

What, like you?

(MOUTHING) Wanker.

Ah, hello, Cyril. Have you got everything you want?

Yeah, I have, as it happens.

(DOOR CLOSES)

MARTIN: What the fuck are you doing? VALERIE: I'm just sitting down. (GIGGLES)

MARTIN: Why are you sitting on the floor? VALERIE: Shh! I'm getting the cake ready.

MARTIN: Get the cake ready, then.

MARTIN: Have you drunk all the champagne? VALERIE: No!

MARTIN: Give me some. VALERIE: Don't drink all that!

VALERIE: Listen, get in there… MARTIN: Don't you shout at me.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear Mum

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

VALERIE: (GIGGLES) There. Are you gonna blow the candle out?

Come on, blow!

Mum, blow the candle out.

CYRIL: You want me to do it for you?

VALERIE: Cyril, will you keep your nose out of this, please!

Come on! One, two, three…

- Hurray! - (ALL CHEERING)

MARTIN: Happy birthday, my darling.

VALERIE: Have you made a big wish?

- MARTIN: I know what I'd wish. - Yeah, well we all know that, Martin.

- You don't. - Well, we can imagine, can't we?

No, you can't.

And now, are you gonna have some of this delicious cake, Mum?

- I can't eat that. - Of course you are, it's your birthday.

- CYRIL: If she don't want none… - Cyril, she's gonna have

some of her birthday cake, all right?

Here you are, Mum. Open wide. Down the hatch. Open.

- Oh, look, leave her alone! - (ALL ARGUING)

MARTIN: If she don't want no cake, she ain't gonna have any. It's her birthday.

VALERIE: It's her birthday and she's having some birthday cake,

or else her wish goes down the drain.

MARTIN: What are you talking about? Her wish goes down the drain?

(VALERIE AND MARTIN ARGUE)

VALERIE: Will you not shout in front of Mum? You're upsetting her.

MARTIN: It's supposed to be her birthday party.

You're taking a fork full of cake and sticking it in her face.

What's wrong with you?

VALERIE: You're having a breakdown. You're having a breakdown.

(ALL ARGUING)

MARTIN: You've been having a breakdown for the last 20 years!

VALERIE: No, it's all them drugs, isn't it? 'Cause you're a drug addict.

You wouldn't know, Shirley 'cause you're right up to the eyeballs.

(ARGUMENT CONTINUES)

CYRIL: Go upstairs, look in the mirror. Look at yourself!

VALERIE: Don't tell me what to do in my own house.

CYRIL: You're a disgrace.

VALERIE: Look who's a disgrace? Look at you!

CYRIL: You fill the house with expensive tat.

CYRIL: It ain't her birthday party. It's got nothing to do with her. It's for you.

VALERIE: Let's face it, you are jealous. You want to put everybody down, Cyril.

You don't want anyone to have it. You even stopped Mum having her own house.

CYRIL: I stopped Mum having her own house?

The only reason you wanted her to buy that house,

just so you could sell it off later on, when she's gone, and make a huge profit.

(ARGUMENT CONTINUES)

You don't half look nice.

Thanks.

So do you.

- MARTIN: Val? - (KNOCKS AT DOOR)

- Come on out. - Hello, Della?

Yeah, is that Davey?

Yeah, it's Cyril from Greased Lightning.

- MARTIN: Come on! - How's it going?

No, I know, I don't want no more at the moment.

No, no, it was great.

I need a cab a bit sharpish.

Yeah, I'll hold on.

Come on, then, Mrs Bender, put your coat on.

- Where am I going? - You're going home.

Who's taking me?

I hope he ain't ringing Hong Kong.

- We're phoning for a taxi. - Who for?

- For Mrs Bender. - Who?

Oh!

- I ain't going in no taxi on my own. - I'll come with you, then.

You don't wanna go home yet, darling. You've only just got here.

- Who's paying for it? - We're paying for it.

- I ain't paying for it. - No and I ain't paying for it, neither.

Sit down, then.

MARTIN: Hey, Val, get your arse down here!

- Twenty minutes. - I'm gonna go back with her.

- Is that okay? You all right for dosh? - Yeah.

No.

- Four-eyed fucking moron! - You talking to me?

Oh, yeah! No, not you, Cyril. Your bleedin' sister.

Fair enough.

CYRIL: How much is a cab to King's Cross?

Well, you've got to be talking, uh, 15.

See you later.

Last of the big spenders, eh, Cyril?

SHIRLEY: Drive safely.

MARTIN: Hey. Cyril, would you like a drop of whisky?

I've got a lovely bottle of Chivas Regal…

Hey, Cyril, I'll tell you something.

You're my fucking brother-in-law!

Here, darlin', want to go out to the pub?

Women!

All the bleedin' same.

Fucking losers!

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Won't be long.

- I don't know the way. - Don't you?

You've got a hot-water bottle at your house, ain't you?

What do I want to go home for?

I don't want nothing off her.

Who does she think she is?

- Who? - Freda.

Who's Freda?

(SONG PLAYING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Quick, your mum wants to go to the toilet.

What's happened?

She didn't want to go home. She's all right.

- What? Mind your hand. You'll get a prick. - (CHUCKLES) That's all she's short of!

Now, give us your bag. That's it. In you go.

All right?

Oh, that's a nice smell. I'm starving.

I ain't half glad to see you.

- What's going on? - She went a bit vague.

- What did you bring her back here for? - 'Cause she was upset.

So?

She's your mum.

I don't want her here.

She keeps losing herself.

Who's Freda?

- Freda? - Yeah, she was talking about her.

- That's my Auntie Freda, her sister. - Mmm.

- How long have them pies been in? - Be ready in a minute. Here, hurry up.

Don't forget to drink your tea.

You can have a cup of tea if you want.

Oh, thanks.

Is this the bedroom?

No, it's the front room, innit?

We sleep in here 'cause it's warmer.

I've been here.

No, you ain't.

- I have. - No, this is our house.

Man-mad, she was.

SHIRLEY: Who was man-mad?

I never took him away from her.

What's the matter?

Did Valerie give me a present?

No, she never.

She said we was getting off at the Nag's Head.

How was I supposed to see?

I caught my shoe in the tramlines.

What did she have to smack my legs for?

MRS BENDER: She never laid a finger on Freda.

They both just stood there laughing at me,

in front of all them people.

It weren't my fault.

Why did I always have to wear Freda's hand-me-downs?

All right for Rene, she always had a new frock.

It's all right.

I told her, I'd never been drunk in my life.

I want to go to bed.

- I'd better get her a cab. - Yeah, I think so. Hey, where are you going?

I'm gonna phone them up.

She's spark out.

Who's that?

It's a skeleton. It's no-one.

SHIRLEY: It's a poster for nuclear disarmament.

I suppose we'd better sleep in the other room.

CYRIL: There's no way I'm sleeping in the other room.

SHIRLEY: Ain't there? CYRIL: No.

SHIRLEY: Oh, all right.

I'll be 70 in 2026, if we're all still here.

That'll be the centenary of the General Strike.

(LAUGHS)

What?

I'll be 35 in June.

If we have a kid this year, when you're 70, he'll be 35.

Oh, leave it out.

Or she.

- Father Christmas. (LAUGHS) - Ho, ho, ho!

What would you rather have, a boy or a girl?

I don't mind, really. One of each.

What would you rather have?

I'd rather have a rusty spike shoved up my arse.

(BOTH LAUGH)

What are we gonna do about your mum?

What was it she said?

- She never took him away from her? - Yeah.

From who?

- From Freda. - No.

- Yeah, she had a thing about her. - No.

It'll be my Auntie Rene.

She must have meant my dad.

I'll have to go round there more often.

She needs more than that. She needs looking after.

I know.

Are you scared of getting old?

A bit. Are you?

Don't know.

I'm scared of looking back.

What do you mean?

- From 25 to 35… - Mmm-hmm.

Best years of your life, aren't they?

- And what about after that? - Downhill.

(LAUGHS) What, all the way?

I'm scared of getting bitter.

You won't get bitter.

I ain't got my cap in.

(LAUGHING)

- What is it? - Have a look.

Did you nick it?

No, it followed me home.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You're going to be late for work, ain't you?

Yeah. Can't be helped, though, can it?

I'll be all right for a bit.

Here. I haven't had my pills.

- Well, how did you sleep? - Like a baby.

You can do without your pills, then, can't you?

- I'll have to go home soon. - Yeah, you're a dirty stop-out! (LAUGHS)

Must have a bath.

Are you warmer now?

Yeah.

This is nice.

Yeah.

All right?

Where is this?

On the roof, innit?

Can you manage?

Come on.

Want to have a rest?

Here, sit down here.

- Will we get told off? - Don't you worry about a thing.

- Hey, Cyril, bring her over here. - CYRIL: What?

Come on.

Where are we going?

There's King's Cross, look.

And there's St Pancras.

- Station? - Yeah.

- What's this? - It's my garden, innit?

Through there, look, St Paul's Cathedral.

Yeah.

- Like a tit, innit? - (LAUGHS)

- Shut up! - Come and have a look at the trains.

- Don't go too close. - It's all right.

It's where Dad used to work, innit?

- I know. - I know you know.

Want to go on a train?

- Not today. - No, when it's warmer.

Where would you like to go?

I've been to Margate.

You don't wanna go there. We'll take you somewhere nice.

- Yeah. - Ramsgate.

- Aldgate. - Harrogate.

- Cow and Gate. (LAUGHS) - Watergate.

Do you want to sit down?

Over there, look.

- That's where you live. - Yeah, behind the gasworks.

It's the top of the world.

CYRIL: Hey?

I said it's the top of the world.

(SHIRLEY LAUGHS)