Original subtitles

Hit me.

"Blondes prefer cucumbers".

"Patti makes Panama".

Massaggiami rudo ".

What the hell? this?

"The unsinkable Schecky ...

Moskowitz ".

The unsinkable ...

Schecky Moskowitz?

Schecky Moskowitz.

Schecky? really bad.

When I talk to him, I would vomit.

I was in the elevator with him the other day

and there was so? bad smell.

It has a visual interesting life

But I would not He touches me.

Hello. They are Schecky Moskowitz.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Mr. taxi driver.

Hey, how are you?

Well, what you are about to see here? a story

invented and freely built which concerns

a waiter (I)

who dreams of becoming a professional comedian.

This story is based entirely on the fact that

we have access to this precious ship

along with many beautiful girls.

I mean really good.

Beautiful girls padded. Beautiful!

Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.

Good Morning.

Incredible. Fine. Women very clean.

Oh, s ?. I wanted to tell.

This? a film with no budget, not low budget.

No budget, you know ... this would be an earthquake.

You see, this is not it costs us nothing.

Enjoy the movie. There we see more? later.

All aboard, we set sail!

Ok, we are here on the bridge

ready to have fun. The film is about to start.

I'm here in my waiter's outfit.

Oh man! Be right back.

Now it is much better.

Hey, waiter.

- Dov '? my bloody mary? - Oh, yes ?.

- And make it strong. - Ah, s ?, sir.

Hey, asshole.

- Bring me another. - S ?, lady.

I tell you that I was doing this Real Girl crazy last week.

He played with my nipples, He pulled the hair on his chest.

Crazy, no?

In the end I say, "Hey, now stopped."

I said, "Hey, Mom!"

Ok ok ok ok, let me tell you.

Wednesday? last year I was in the house of this type.

We were playing chess, ok?

Then I say, "This sucks He is breaking balls. "

Well, I took one of the pieces and Did I stuck in the eye.

Did I stuck in the eye!

I make him "Now yes you an eye for chess! "

You see what I'm saying?

Do you understand what I say, no? You see what I'm saying?

I went swimming with the boat, the other day.

And while I was swimming cock I will? tight throughout.

Ges? Christ. The pubic hair They had taken the fucking hostage.

Do you understand what I say, no? You see what I'm saying?

Schecky.

- Hello, Bob. - What are you doing?

I'm listening the man ?.

Man surrounded to all those girls?

S ?, Dicky Diamond. ? the comedian of the cruise.

Ah. Then you could not to convince the captain

to make you take as comedian of the cruise.

Well I think "out of my office, you idiot no talent! "was clear enough.

- No, I did not get the job. - What a bad luck.

I am more? funny him, no?

I do not know. Not I know him.

- Wait. - I have this girl, ok?

He keeps me in the neck, as in wrestling or something.

He keeps me by the neck, okay?

I'm suffocating, almost die.

Then I say: "Hey, Grandma,

take my goddamn leg vein from the neck! "

The guy? pretty funny.

Oh man, the kind He speaks of incest.

Not? fun. It Has need a psychologist.

People laugh at me if you made those jokes.

The type we probably fart also on stage.

Hey hey, get me the finger, get me the finger.

All my life I wanted to climb on stage and make the audience laugh,

but no I have never given the opportunity.

They have fun. I just want listen to what I have to say.

I things I would like to talk,

maybe would interested to hear them, you know?

Waiter, my wife vomited!

Quickly, bring me a towel.

Sorry, I'm on break.

Hey, how are you? I had not seen.

Well, what? Successful? Where were we?

After cleaning the vomiting of that lady,

I worked a few hours at most? and I took a break.

During the break I written some new joke

I think they are good, I really like.

What you do? ? ask Dicky to Diamond

if I can open the show in one of his shows.

Well, have you heard?

? my best friend, Bob.

- Hey, Schecky. - Hello.

Who are you talking to?

With that camera l ?.

- Hello. - So, are you ready to work?

I'm ready to work, but wanted to know if

before you go go to hear a few jokes.

C '? a lot of improvisation. Give me your honest opinion.

No problem.

- I'm ready. - Well, come on then!

Great. Hey, how are you past tonight guys?

- Good. - What's your name buddy? Where are you from?

- Bob, from California. - Bob from California.

Bob, California.

Bob, California. Uh!

I can not think of something funny.

It's part of the show?

No,? I can not think of anything funny.

Not? true. I think that You're very funny.

I think you're funny and in a natural way.

As soon as you arrive on stage, people rider ?.

You never go up on stage?

I hope to s ?, why? andr? to ask Dicky Diamond

if I can open her show one of these nights.

- Really? - S ?.

Because we have to go? Dicky Diamond He is about to open his afternoon show

On the bridge, perci? go take a look.

Sure.

I tell you, sometimes it's really hot,

and nothing moves the whole body.

The only thing I managed to move? the middle finger.

Like, hey, boy, right here, this.

I'm sorry. Sometimes ago cos? hot, you're driving,

Are you in a microwave microwave human, you know?

You're driving to curse all, right?

You're angry, you're cursing. If this were a knife,

You'd stick it straight in his eyes, you know?

I'm driving and I'm exhausted. It's too hot, no?

And I say, "I'm going to berm something. "

I buy a beer, I drink and I'm driving,

A police officer takes me and he said: "Are you drinking?"

"Of course I drink, fuck.

It does so? hot! ".

- What's your name? - Bunny Miller.

Bunny Miller, cos' ?, a Hebrew name?

Heck, a nice Jewish name.

Where he got away out of your mother?

Thing?

When your water breaks, come on, Bunny.

- I'm sorry. - Oh sorry.

Come on, Bunny, no? a question of genes.

Lost, Bunny. Do you know what?

Lost, Bunny. Do you know What happens to the losers?

They take off the costume bathroom and show her ass.

Hey, why? do not let the girl in peace,

and you concenti about the show?

Mr. Heavy, the great lord of hell.

The hell? here and feel, folks.

My God, look how much? great.

All I'm saying? why? do not let his grip on the girl.

Let go on girl? Are you sick, man.

Leave the outlet face of all these people, you're sick friend!

What a pervert.

OK! I got it. You will have? shoot.

Not C '? nothing more? heavy a comedian died.

Thanks. I spoke with my father the other day on the phone,

He said: "Schecky" He called me Schecky

why? my name? Schecky and I do not answer if you call me Bob.

He says, 'Schecky, I want I marry a girl

who believe in our own ideas. "

And I said: "Pap ?,

Why? marry you You think I'm an idiot? "

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Well, my name? Schecky, like my father.

The name of my father, ? rather strange no?

? It went well until? not I? changed the voice.

My friends called me and They asked: "Ready, c '? Schecky?"

And my father said: "I Schecky".

And my friends, "Hey Schecky, last night I was stoned. "

Okay, look, look.

In your last tour we It sold a million tshirt.

A million.

We sold 100,000 bracelets to Croaker.

But I still think it would be in your interest

authorize, permit to sell your doll for young audiences.

For nine or ten years.

S ?, Mort, but I do not want be a fucking Barbie.

Can not? to do well my image, man.

Croaker, come on, listen to me. Listen to me, man.

- Are you listening? - I hear you.

Well, why? it seems not.

I have to do, put the fucking ear to your mouth cursed?

Okay, Croaker, listen to me.

We need the doll.

Last April you destroyed four Porsche and a Harley Davidson.

The hotel you've burned we sued.

They denounced. We Have need the doll.

Why? not a poster? Why? not a packed lunch?

Why? must a Barbie?

Not? a Barbie doll, ? action figure, Croaker!

Action figure. As Rambo

or those toys that transform and sell much.

? an action figure,? macho.

? macho, Croaker. Macho.

Croaker, I spoke with Saul.

Saul says we can earn 40 million with the sale.

- Forty million? - Forty million.

- Forty million ?! - Forty million.

Action figures, eh?

Fico friend, fig.

But do not smile.

S ?, agree. Waiter.

These types with have nothing to do with the movie, but

we have included to vary a bit '.

I can help friends?

S ?, drink for all. Bambi, what would you like to drink?

Actually, I aerobics class.

So I guess time rate.

God, I wanted to say that step.

No problem, baby.

My God. I have not never enough, man.

Can I get you a drink?

S ?, bring me one of those tropical drinks,

that has different levels, and a umbrella and fruit.

There are two flavors, green or black?

- Black. - And what I bring to you?

- A drink? - S ?, as no.

You know, I worked as waiter once.

Before becoming a multi-millionaire.

Billionaire, Croaker. Billionaire.

Billionaire.

It was one of those barbecue restaurant.

And, uh ...? It was ... such as,

I had to touch it all chewed food from others

and he accumulated under the fingernails, friend,

and the left? for days.

It stank.

I hated that job, man.

- Excuse Me. - Sorry. Can you give me an autograph, please?

Agree. Girls, man.

You do? an autograph, ladies sluts.

Write something as "A Pami and Liz,

you were great last night. With love, Croaker ".

Agree.

Hey, Mort, as he writes, "great"?

G-R-A-N-D-I.

Ok.

Thanks.

You are in a band or something similar?

S ?, are the singer Yellow Teeth.

Our song? been at number one last week,

"Bistratto your cat."

For real.

Prepare your drink, ok?

Wow, that guy He is out.

I do not understand.

Why? men as well? strange attract girls?

Just because? They make millions and million dollars, makes me sick.

If you had a million dollars

to be honest, I bury them

and expect that some poor scovi them.

If you had a million dollars

I would buy another coat.

Li would spend on clothes.

I put them in the bank and I would think.

I put them in the bank.

If you had a million dollars first purchase would be a Mercedes.

I would buy all the medicines anti-acne that there are

cos? no one could get rid of them.

Mmm. Pus.

Hello, how are you?

I disconnected from work a bit 'before tonight

cos? I thought there would be well a drink with my friend Bob.

What do these two here just I do not know, but

I can not know all, or no?

I just finished saying to Bob this joke about a farmer.

We see the reaction, ok?

I do not understand, Schecky.

The farmer wore condoms for eight years?

Spiegamela.

Ah, no. No, not I can explain it.

I think I said it wrong.

- Ah. - I have understood, man.

I think it's very funny.

- Really? - S?

Hey, I told you that I did the waiter once?

- Really? - S ?.

It was this restaurant, friend.

I hated that job, friend,

why? I had to touch this chewed food from others.

You know what I did?

I went to the bathroom in my turn,

and cagavo.

- S ?? - And I washed my hands, man.

I think it's illegal, man.

- Hello, Croaker. - Hey, baby.

- Who? the other girl? -? my friend, Bluebell.

I took her to a Friend Mort, as you asked.

- All right. - Jesus? Christ, Croaker,

You're paying the girls to be with me again?

You think I do not know that the pay women want to sleep with me?

I do not pay anyone, friend. You want. Look.

Ok? This type with which I have to sleep?

Croaker for me?

OK let's go. Come on.

Well, great.

Great.

Rock on , man.

Hey, what's wrong?

- No. - Oh, come on.

Well, yes ?. Something c '?, I would say.

I do not like girls. No fun.

Not? true. You're very funny.

S ?, maybe.

Ask yourself? Dicky to Diamond if I can open the show.

- Bob? - S ??

They are beautiful or not?

S ?, s ?. Are you OK.

Who? pi? beautiful, you or me?

Well? Easy, I do.

I watched you, waiter.

Your name? Bob, right?

S? the?.

I think we should go out watching the moon.

- Not you? - Sure.

I think it's great, excellent, excellent idea.

See you, Schecky.

- Hey Hello. - What the hell do you mean by that "hello"?

- Just I wanted to say hello. - I can not believe it.

Can not? a girl enter in a bar and stay quiet?

Just I wanted to say hello.

S ?? Well, fuck you.

Hey bartender, bring me a beer.

Hey, you're Dicky Diamond. The comedian of the cruise.

S ?.

I am, Dicky Diamond.

Wait a minute, I know you.

Is that crazy waiter He kept following me from the audience.

S ?, are a waiter.

In reality ?, are a comedian too.

I'm a comedian.

I work as a waiter until? will fail? to go on stage.

Okay, boy. Why? Devil telling me this?

Well, I just wanted to know

if maybe, uh, I could open your show one evening.

Open the show Dicky Diamond, huh?

Boy, what the fuck do you think this is Hun TV show?

? a ship.

S ?, I know. I wanted just know ...

The only thing I ask of you ? if it were possible ...

Let me tell you some of my lines.

You say? some of my jokes, and maybe ... listen.

Um ... well, c '? this fat old woman

who walks into a bar.

He is coughing, coughing a lot.

- Has ... - Hold on, boy.

You're probably very, very funny.

I understand how tell jokes.

But you know what? I came here

to wait for my girlfriend, get me a beer, relax,

not to sit at the bar to listen to a comic idiot

telling stupid fucking jokes, you know?

Hey, I was just trying to, I wanted only know if I could ...

All I ask? of you can go on stage one night.

Open your own show, not? then cos? much.

Look, kid, I do not care.

I do not give a damn what you say, do you understand?

I do not care. I do not care a shit what you have to say.

Ok? Great.

I understand what you say, and sorry if I'm disturbing.

But I just wanted to ... I work on the ship, too.

I wanted to know if I can open your show ...

Boy, I do not care.

I'm trying to ask you nothing exaggerated.

I just want to open one of your show.

- I mean, not ... - I do not care!

- Hello ... - Hello, Dicky.

Where were you, baby?

In the bathroom, thinking about you.

Oh, how cute.

Come on, why? not by a kiss to Mr. Laughter?

Not in front of this pervert.

Did he say anything?

No, he just tried to make me great.

Stand back. You said something to my girlfriend?

- No me ... - I think so ?, friend.

Here's the punch line, asshole.

Cabbage.

That guy? an idiot.

You know the saying?

Behind the mask of the clown c '? a trail of tears.

It hurts my jaw.

Schecky, why? not go to sleep a little '?

S ?, you're right. I go to sleep.

Only once again.

I can not sleep. I'm too depressed.

I wonder what star? He is doing in ten years?

In ten years sar? a journalist,

in a television station.

Sar? married with two children.

I hope to have a successful career,

possibly married with two children.

I would like to have some son and a happy family life.

Probably do? the Baker or something.

So what can? cheer me up! Meditation.

Andr? to meditate until dawn.

Oh man, I am a failure with girls are not funny.

N? I have a good waiter. I suck. I'm depressed.

I think they flee? from really? and it will go? to sleep.

Schecky. Or should I say ... Porky?

Oh, Schecky, you an apple in his mouth.

Dov '? William Tell when you need him?

Look. You seem your sister, a pig.

You're going to the asylum?

Or in your case, at the slaughterhouse.

You are a failure, Schecky. A failed.

You are a failure. A failed, Scheck.

Hey, Schecky, here is how it ends.

Damn, that sucks.

I go to sleep and this time will go? better.

Mom?

What are you doing, Schecky?

Are you trying to kill me?

Who are these girls? I knew it was a suicide.

I know it.

You will die, Schecky.

Your penis will fall ?, own like that of your father.

Can you hear me, Schecky?

It was so? beautiful, her breasts They were like balls.

They were hard and firm as torpedoes.

Schecky? Schecky?

Schecky. Schecky.

You had to see it. Oh my God,? It was incredible.

He was praying. He loved me.

What luck I have, friend friend friend.

I've already said You sound like my mother?

- No. - But really.

- What time is it? -? time to work.

I did not know I slept with the uniform.

- Ah, yes ?. - However, he said that is called Debbi with the "i".

And he worked for a pornographic magazine.

Debbi with an "i".

? photographed with a pig, right? I saw her.

Wow.

Well, c '? this girl I know, right?

And I do everything what he asks.

For example, I asked on a scale of 1 to 10 what are they?

He said: "You're an eight."

And so? I split rear window!

L-a-eight.

I do not know.

Perhaps you should avoid jokes,

and improvise and chat with the public.

- I think it was funny. - S ??

Much more? funny comic idiot who took the cruise.

Do you really think that joke was funny?

Put it so ?.

Him? amusing, the other type? an idiot.

S ?. They have fun.

? really an idiot, or not?

S ?.

I do not want tricks.

No blow below the belt.

No food No? drink in the ring.

New rule. Vinca the best. Come on.

Come on, hair sponge.

Look. You have more? teeth of a saw.

Look at your mouth, what are you, a horse in civilian clothes?

That you have beautiful legs l ?.

I saw the other night to a Japanese restaurant.

I used to eat sushi.

Oh, referee, come on! Hit me below the belt!

I have not seen anything.

You're a woman, baby, take them forever, I love it.

Cos' ?, wear the black hat in mourning for your brain death?

Oh Jesus ?, like you man werewolf.

All that hair on his back, you want me to comb?

That you have the nice thong ?, I like! You want even lipstick maybe?

Ah anyway I attend weddings, if your parents at the end

They decide to get married.

What have l? on the neck, strap your mother?

Hey, Schecky. Wake up.

It seemed dreaming of

kill Dicky Diamond or something.

S ?, s ?. I should go to serve these drinks.

Ah, ok.

Politics? very strange.

I never think until? somebody does not tell me,

"What do you think of politics?"

I think that world leaders They are important for the world.

World peace would beautiful, but it would be nice also

if all receive everything? who they wish in life.

Only if we run together,

we have the world peace.

Ah, Panama ... General Noriega. I think I deserve to be killed

for killing all those who voted against him.

Then I think we should consult a dermatologist.

Even just looking at the General Noriega is noted that

It has a bad breath, cos? that horrid

when you're talking to him

you have to hold your breath not to throw up.

It does not have a strong sense of smell.

Probably not use even no, you know ...

hygienic protection.

Like deodorant. I think that even his armpits stink.

Probably like when you do not eat a pizza and chill for a few days

He puts it in the fridge for a few days

We do ten days.

And you go away for a couple of hours,

Then come back and do You want a bite.

The smell before you hear to put it in your mouth,

what I think is the flavor I've Noriega.

I would not spend a minute with this man.

In fact, I'd rather spend the day with a ferocious murderess.

Stink? Bad breath?

We'll see who He laughs last.

You, vomiting kangaroo gone bad.

- You see that woman? - Where?

Idiots, l? on TV.

That woman l ?. This woman on TV?

This woman on TV.

I want to kill it, ? Miss Australia.

He said that the stench of pizza.

No? As a pizza?

- A pizza. - What kind of pizza?

An old pizza.

Sniff ... an old pizza,

Cheese?

... With anchovies?

And what kind of flour?

I want her dead. What else matters?

- A round pizza? - It does not matter.

Kill Miss Australia.

He wants me to kill the woman on the screen?

The woman in the video, s ?.

Uh ... you want kill the girl

in videotape who rented.

We have to kill her?

The girl in the videotape ?, who rented,

kill her?

- S ?. - Where is it?

? in store video rental?

Listen to me, eh?

If I say "the Licking bath ", you licking.

If I say "Toccatevi the nose "

you touch your nose.

If I say "Kill the Girl videotape, "

the kill.

- Eh? - S ?, sir.

Kill Miss Australia.

Kill Miss Dundee.

- Sar? ground beef, sir. - Sar? pi? death of an animal squashed on the highway.

Sar? pi? He died of grilled shrimp.

- Pi? He died of ... - Hey, hey, oh!

What are you, comedians?

Well, to be honest, we are working on ...

Eh? Go, go!

Kill Miss Australia.

Outputs.

When entering the room,

all run to hide.

Not C '? woman engaged,

never surrender to.

? a world so sad,

when the head looks like a pizza.

But? even even more? sad

when you're up to no.

I bet that even his friends They want to talk to him. I think it stinks.

Hey, Schecky.

Fight not risolver? nothing.

Shut up, Bob.

Ouch.

Fuck.

Horn fucking that came out of nowhere.

Fucking fucking horn.

I seem to be dancing a polka fucking shit.

Pi? scales fucking Notre Dame.

Hello, Dicky. I've just He did the interview better.

I spoke of my political beliefs,

and I spoke to him General Noriega.

Oh shit, great, Ellen.

Hey, do me a favor, okay?

Go away for a while ', I need space, okay honey?

Sure, no problem. Me I take a ham sandwich.

Fuck the sandwich with ham.

He knows he hates Dicky Diamond those fucking ham sandwiches.

Shit. The sea.

Ouch. Fuck.

Shit. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck. Oh, fuck.

I'm leaving. Me I go, fuck.

You are nothing.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck! Son of a bitch.

My best hat.

Perfect, yet fucking stairs.

Shit.

Goddess of porcelain.

Here I am.

Ahhh, Dicky!

Oh my god, Dicky!

Help? fell overboard!

Oh my God,? fell overboard!

Help, Dicky!

If you do not Dicky Diamond presents gets fired.

Let's go out.

Hei.

Open the fucking door.

Oh shit!

Oh shit! Hei.

Come on. Somebody open!

Dov '? fucking waiter when you need them?

Open the ... ah! Fuck!

Shit.

Richard "Dicky" Scott Bryant David Diamond ...

Stienwitz.

He was a man so? fun.

A man who made us laugh.

A man who has gladdened the heart.

He has always offered to world way of laughing.

The guy has talked about fucking grandmother.

What has this to do now?

Please.

We open our books. Psalm 29, The Jackson 5,

Red Sox 4, Yankees 3 per game over.

God, cos'? a dolphin that?

Ashes to Ashes dust to dust.

Pray for Richard "Dicky" Scott Diamond Stienwitz ...

which is in heaven

to laugh with the angels great microphone sky.

What we will do?

Who to? laugh during the cruise?

I mean, who would allieter? and to open? the heart?

Who?

Heck, this? my great opportunity ?.

If I volunteer, sar? the comedian of the cruise.

It would be wonderful. But if I do not,

for the rest of my life limiter? Schecky to be the waiter,

without ever touching a woman.

But I have to, I have to touch a woman. I want to take it, I ...

Oh, it would be nice, but ...

But I can not. I can not do it.

I do not know. Are too agitated and nervous.

Probably am I I killed Dicky Diamond.

I am so? jealous of that type.

Not to ?. It does not do? ...

I can not do it. Absolutely no ...

- Good heavens! - Schecky?

Are Neptune, god of the sea.

I could not hear you what you were thinking.

Not that it's intrusive, but I heard that, uh,

you want to become the comedian of the cruise.

But you have doubts that you should not have.

Wait, am I dreaming? You're true or what?

Com '? true that you have a huge nose on his face.

My God. A fish anti-Semitic.

Clearly you're not a jew fish.

Look, you have to have a sense of humor to be the king of success, friend.

You odoras me home, you understand?

Oh, do not tell me religiosity now.

? my duty to tell you that you should pursue your dream!

Get the job to comic cruise, these people need you.

Hei. They need me?

They need me? S? that they need you.

What are you fishing for compliments, here? Everyone needs to laugh.

The gods are my witnesses, in many They have already mocked? At the office.

Mismanagement, they said.

I curse Exxon!

I remember when I was the prince.

Hey hey wait, sar? mica a long story?

We have no time for this.

I am responsible of this film

and you know, they do not want hear this story.

- Do you understand me, s ?? - You have a problem of time?

- S ?. - I just wanted to cheer up a bit '.

Continuous and close well, Mr. Pants Sailor.

Thank you sir. Jokes apart.

- Thanks, I appreciate it. - But remember ...

The power of laughter.

I do ?. I do ?. Far? comedian cruise.

- Stop beating. - Do not clap, play drums.

-? useful. - Stop playing.

Ok.

- Knock Knock. - Who ??

Hey, a man stinking.

The man who smelly?

Man smelly you!

Shut up, Achmed. You're not funny.

S? that they are fun. Achmed? fun!

Achmed? fun!

Oh man, if I do nobody laughs at my jokes?

He did not make the pleasure ?,? sucks.

Someone tirer? some food.

Will come? shot in the head with a meatball.

- They will throw away. - Schecky.

Sharks devastate me.

Schecky.

Nobody odier? if recite in a natural way.

For? I think if we sing a song now

we will feel better.

- All right. - Ok.

Comedy? a Ms. cos? nice.

Lady ...

- You do? happy. - Far? happy ...

- When you feel sad. - Feel sad ...

- Sar? hand through your hair. - Hair ...

- It will seem? that someone cares. - Someone cares.

- To you. - To you ...

- Do not you feel better? - S ?.

Do not try to be fun,

but be yourself. Not C '? need to tell jokes.

You're right. The parler? stop.

Far? only questions on their lives and that's it.

Right. Great!

- Adjusted hair. - S ?.

Combed eyebrows.

Wipe your nose. Feel the breath.

Check the armpits.

Laced shoes. Sit up straight.

Holy shit. Look at me. He looks like a dead man.

Damn sick. Holy shit.

Ok.

Ok. Thats enough.

I'm dying here.

I'm reducing as a fucking piece of bacon.

Oh God. I am so? anxious.

? one thing well? terrifying

take the place of a comedian He died so loved by all.

Ok, here we are.

Now I begin.

Hey, how are you tonight?

Good to know, good.

And you, sir?

Hi.

- What's your name? - Dave.

Dave? We have Dave here.

Dave, what do you do?

I am a bricklayer.

Here's a mason, everyone.

Well, Dave, what do you build?

I build buildings. That Another fuck should I build?

Oh, well, okay.

So Dave, do you think Mason is an easy job,

or you think it's difficult?

Do you know what? Listen, asshole.

Why? do not stop trying to be funny, why? cos? I do just angry.

Oh ...

Hey, you reminded me my ex-girlfriend.

- You suck! -? a bit 'pi? muscled Dave.

Get out of here, big nose.

I'm just saying do not I am very good at relationships.

How boring.

Hello. How are you? What? your name?

I hate you.

It is not going very well, eh?

Why? not we start?

- Get out here. - Give me a chance ?.

Well, I have a good joke.

Then, c '? this proctologist, eh?

We want to Dicky.

- We want to Dicky. - Wait.

What do you want? The guy? dead.

Do you want to hear a corpse?

A corpse would pi? fun of you.

I want Croaker songs.

No no no.

Hei.

Let's rock !

Give me your hand. Give it to me!

I failed, man. I failed.

King Neptune? wrong. Nobody needs me.

King Neptune?

S ?, King Neptune, the god of the sea?

Oh here they l ?, right there ?.

Schecky, I can speak frankly?

S ?, Bob, of course can you tell me the truth ?.

Let's take a walk.

... I Schecky I hate comedians.

Not all comedians. Only 99% of them.

For me, comedy stand-up? pathetic.

I mean, ? cos? pathetic!

? absolutely What more? degrading

that a human being can undertake.

Get on stage alone,

discuss how fat, or bald,

or bad? someone.

Telling the story your family,

your father an alcoholic,

praying audience to love you,

to accept you and give you the love you you never had as a child.

? pathetic, Schecky. It is a vacuum ...

Bob, what do you mean?

Put it so ?.

Comedy? like this lifeline.

Ah, the play? Round and he has many strings.

You see, Schecky, it was not funny.

I know you said to make me laugh and why? can love you,

but you should not have.

- See, already? I love you. - Bob? Stop it, okay?

I'm asking you to stop of psicoanalizzarmi.

You're too stupid to advise me anything.

I like comedy. I like to be funny.

Okay?

Ok.

Then you might try say a few words this time

instead of being yourself.

- Maybe cos? will work ?. - Great idea, Bob!

Seriously? You Have hit the mark!

But first, let's see mounting with beautiful women.

-? good. - I know.

It smells good.

? Your wife has prepared?

S ?.

- Carina wife. - S ?.

I have no wife.

Your salami? very big.

Big enough for two people.

Big enough for three people.

Ce n '? for an entire family of persons ...

For weeks!

Tagliamene a slice.

- No. - Give me a bit '.

- No. - Give me a little '!

- No. - Why? no? Give me a little '!

- No. - A piece!

Give me a slice!

-? cos? wearing them the generals? - S ?.

This goes on, and this already ??

Above.

You know what he says my mother about you?

He says that you are a wild animal.

But you know what says my father?

- What? - I can not. No no no.

Go on this ship.

Cos' ?, Robinson Crusoe?

What does your father do?

Oh no. My father did not ...

I swore I I would have told anyone.

- You like me or not? - He says you have to like it.

But I do not think he I voted for you.

I forgive him.

The speech? a pap ?,

when scarcererai from prison.

S ?, in a few years.

As a few years?

Well, no? cos? old.

Oh, you're terrible. You're really bad.

? a good man. In a couple of years ...

- Couple of years? - Well, yes ?.

- The take? philosophically. - Why ??

Ce n '? philosophy in prison.

? l? that you found?

S ?, in prison.

What are these fucking things?

Fucking shoes Paint cock. How do I go in turn, they are ridiculous!

They do not even need to knock out? the door of shit!

C '? someone?

I do not know, maybe s? and maybe not.

I do not believe that a cause Legal worth the candle.

- This? what I think. - I do not care how much it will cost ?, friend.

I want denounce that kind.

Ok? I'm singing my song

and I explained clearly this man

I wanted to be resumed from an angle pi? high.

He picks up front.

It shows my huge nose.

My audience I will accept no ?.

Hei. Let me out. Dicky are Diamond.

In the bathroom fucking.

Wow!

Wait a minute, it will be? mica ...

Hey? the man who ... ? the dead man!

The comedian!

Wow, man, this? strange. Why? if? dead,

how can it? scream?

I do not know, Croaker. Maybe? his ghost.

Wait, man. You're scaring me.

Do not scare cos ?, friend.

I can not handle the ghosts. How can I leave this ship?

Let me out, assholes.

This ship? haunted, man. I want to get off the ship.

This ship? infested.

Croaker, listen.

Listen, Croaker.

Let me out!

Fucking fucking socks.

Look at that shit.

You certainly can not get out of the ?.

Damn fucking toilet.

Come on, someone, please!

- S? - You cheated!

- I did not cheat. - S? instead.

You will wear that for the show tonight?

- I thought about it. - No no.

I think you should put your pink shirt.

If I have to change shirt, then I wear the green one.

No no no. That puts pink highlight your tan.

-? cos? nice. - S ?,? nice.

You're right, but I prefer the green one.

- The Rose? much better. - No.

- The green brings luck. - No no. Pink, pink.

- I like the green. - Pink.

- The Green? better. - Pink.

- Green. - Pink.

- Why? do not put them both? - S ?, why? no.

Where are we?

We are in middle of the sea.

Idiot, I know that we in the midst of the sea.

Where, in the midst of the sea?

What do I look like?

A compass?

You're the navigator, you idiot.

You're the navigator, stupid.

Who has the map?

Who has the map?

Ah.

- I. - So the navigator you!

Give it to me.

- I'm the navigator. - Give it to me.

- My God, look at the ?! - Eh?

I want to thank you for given another chance ?.

You are very nice. Thanks.

I swear that this time You will not be disappointed.

Why? this time I He worked on a scene.

- Who cares? - Thanks.

I think that will begin? telling What me? l happened? inside.

There was an elderly, ok?

And these four guys the were disturbing,

They gave her problems.

Characters long ugly to behold.

And one of them has stole her purse.

While another, while I watched,

He grabbed the ring,

and he tried to levarle wedding ring.

But she He is beating, screaming,

"Help, help."

In the end I could not resist.

I approached the boy and I said: "Hey, man,

why? do not put Butter on the finger,

cos? the ring flows pi? easily? "

Achmed? Do you like me?

- No. - Not a bit '?

Not a bit '.

I like you.

- So? - So I should like it too.

Do you understand?

? the ship!

-? the ship. - The ship!

- The ship! - Miss Australia, you're dead!

Do not believe that a person bad, why? I am not.

They are quiet. I have a conscience.

I want to prove it.

As a child, always stealing Alka-Seltzer all the time,

and I fed the seagulls then burst.

I do not understand. I think it's funny.

It's me? I have no idea what make the audience laugh?

I know nothing about art comedy?

I wonder what would Milton Berle, if you were in my situation.

Hey guys, you have a match?

He seemed Milton Berle.

She? Milton Berle?

Otherwise, I enjoyed much are his wife last night.

You were talking about with yourself?

I felt good, you're a comedian?

S ?, sir.

And one rather cute, for those l ?.

I like that shirt.

Do not throw away anything, huh?

Joke.

- Come on, sit down. - Here, at his table?

No, in the kitchen.

Thank you, Mr. Berle.

- What's your name? - Schecky Moskowitz.

Schecky Moskowitz.

With a name so ?, people It should laugh immediately.

Then, boy, it seems you have a problem.

Are you thinking about something. Tell me,

What can I do for you?

See, Milton ... oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Berle.

I need her tips for laughs.

I was on the cruise, I did my scene,

and no one laughed.

I do not understand why ?.

Tell me a joke you told on the ship.

Fine.

There are these two bad guys, okay?

And they see this elderly,

and she has a ring huge, okay?

Then the chase and trying to steal the ring,

sfilandoglielo.

The old woman looks at me ago: "Help me, help me!".

I have to do something, then I go from evil ...

Wait, stop.

Bad? But? the beat the butter?

S ?,? that.

Not C '? wonder that no one laughed.

There were bad, or gangster in the audience,

when you told the joke?

Mh, no. I said to a group of beauty queens.

Beauty queens?

Oh no.

Then I told him that where burst seagulls ...

Seagulls burst.

Boy, are you using the wrong technique.

Young man, come here.

- You have a pencil with you? - S ?, sir.

- Thanks. You have a piece? - Sure.

? everything. Thanks.

It s now? you're working.

Schecky ...

Ok. Do not take it too seriously.

What I want you to do? knock out? these beats, Schecky.

I think all those beautiful Girls will be identified immediately.

"Once I went out with a girl who had everything a man could want.

Mustache, hairy armpits ...

bushy eyebrows. "

If you talk to the same girl, tell her: "What a nose!

You'll have to turn it up to eat! "

And finish it with ...

"A good lipstick puts highlight your lips ...

you sneeze shows his teeth. "

"His eyes were very affectionate,

kept look at each of them. "

"And when April one eye,

everything? that could see was the other eye. "

"And her boobs They were very small,

cos? small carrying Nipple in the portfolio. "

Now, try these beats.

Work. They always worked.

See you, boy.

- Good luck. - Thank you, Mr. Berle.

Oh ...

One more thing.

Schecky Always within mind that you're a comedian,

and you possess the weapon more? strong to bring people together

and make them happy.

Not C '? nothing more? important in the world

the power of laughter.

Remember that.

See You Soon.

The power of laughter.

King Neptune I spoke the power of laughter.

Perhaps this phrase unite? the entire plot

in some cunning way, or something.

Mh ...

Where I have to go? I do not know where I am.

Way as if I know where they are.

I do not know what ... we see.

How do I get back on the ship?

Maybe I should use some my magical fun phrases.

Let's try.

Why? hen crosses the road?

Mh ... nothing.

Why? firefighters use red straps?

It did not work. Nothing.

Hey, take my wife, please.

Here it is, s ?, we.

Take my wife, please.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot. Thanks girls.

Great.

Hey, thanks a lot. Thanks.

I appreciate it.

Then, I saw this type the street the other day,

and he told me that suffers Agent Orange.

I said, "Well, at least you have an agent! "

OK perfect.

I was talking to my grandmother the other day

That woman, you'd like.

? deaf in both ears. The I bought two hearing aids.

He puts them both in the same ear.

From a part? deaf, the other he hearing of a bat.

Someone said "Nursing home"?

? she speaks so ?!

What? That it's happening?

C '? a bikini sale or something?

- What's the matter? - I'm driving everyone mad!

These people love me.

Finally they have fun.

Come on. We Have To get out of here.

Why ??

My god, my god ... Terrorists!

- That's why ?. - Ok.

Holy shit!

We hit a glacier, fuck.

We hit a glacier.

Holy shit, another Titanic.

Soon, Schecky. Come on.

- Come here. - Here I am, here I am.

Dov '? Miss Australia?

We want it now, ? ours!

We're not kidding.

We have a large, big problem here.

We have to talk about it.

Not? a joke.

Fuck.

Does it work? One two three.

Hi, this message? for all persons on the ship.

All!

Everything? we want ? Miss Australia.

- Miss Australia? - Miss Australia?

Miss Australia ... not? the bride a bit ' advanced in years of Dicky Diamond?

How do I know? I have not filmed scenes,

No? Dicky with Diamond or his girlfriend.

I'm sure.

Fine. They want to kill her!

? bitch for real.

No one should speak evil behind people.

Oh, I did not see you. I tell you in face. You're a bitch, baby.

You were mean to me the other night at the bar.

It was another time, Dicky was alive.

Now that? I died the control of my life.

I think what ? better for me.

Good for you!

- Miss Australia. - Miss Australia, small kangaroo!

Big mouth, bad breath!

- You better get out! - Oh my God.

? forward to meeting Your crater!

My god, they want go in a crater?

No. I do not speak our language well.

They want you to meet the creator. They want to kill you.

You've never been to school?

Miss Australia, when you will find you ?,

I'll cut your hands, then you cut all the fingers ...

and swallow.

They will go down? to my stomach.

The only thing? that not digerir ?.

Oh my god .. no pu? want to do this!

I only said that General Noriega has bad breath.

It took me months to grow them.

I've broken one the other day and while it grew back

I have another route. Now they are equal.

Can not? do it! Can not ?!

I have to escape!

Ellen. Ellen, wait.

Women are not funny fleeing heels?

Come on.

- Here l ?! - Go! Go!

Come on.

Hey, why? this shirt?

- This? - S ?, that shirt.

I liked the pink, but Bob prefers the green.

- Which do you prefer? - They suck both.

- God. - Hey, what's up?

Just because? They are beautiful everyone thinks I'm stupid.

- Why? say so ?? - I hate to be nice!

Sometimes I want to be an ugly old maid

with scars and warts in the face,

with people flee when they see me.

Why ??

Why? to be beautiful not? beautiful.

Listen, listen, we have not time for this.

I have this morbid desire to be deformed.

Oh, how nice!

I had never realized how difficult it was

for a young girl be so? nice.

? a hell!

Go up the stairs.

Why? want go up the stairs?

Hei.

My God. They will kill me ...

before it can become an actress.

My hopes. My dreams.

I turned into a joke General Hospital last week.

Really? What was it?

Can I get you something to drink?

My God. I say always too!

Really? As I wanted you were the? to teach me.

Me Too!

Jesus ?! I can not believe.

Think I should inform small infection of Bob?

Should I tell him? Forget it.

Hello, Miss Australia?

You better get out,

otherwise we start killing hostages every four seconds!

Three seconds, beginning from this girl.

Maybe we should try to save her!

No. Vince always she when we are in the race!

It might be my only opportunity for Miss Universe.

What a bitch competition!

I am so? selfish. I never give up.

Stay here.

Just kidding! I think the General is a good guy.

I just said that to look smart.

Look, probably it smells wonderful!

By the way, you also two are very beautiful.

Shut up!

Hey, Bob. Thing we do now?

Maybe we should try to save her?

S ?, s ?! Bob?

- What? - Well, since you had the language ...

his throat, maybe you should save it.

Come on, do not ... Schecky put me in this situation.

I really have a strong fear of death.

Oh, I also scared to death ...

but I also have a strong sense of guilt.

And then, Jesus ?! You just lemonade with the girl ...

I thought I wanted to save her.

Fine. I do ?.

Andr? and I take? a blow to save a girl that I just kissed.

Stay here, coward.

Leave her alone!

You know, I lied to Bob. I Have much more? scared to death ...

that guilt.

The death of me? nausea! I do not want to die.

Bury you, come covered with earth.

The worms will eat. Not for me.

You know, if I go l? c '? possibility? to get shot.

I do not like, and then not It would be good for my career.

You know you and I know it.

I do not go. Ah, on second thought!

Where do you think that we go after death?

I'm thinking about right now.

I think we all go first to purgatory.

And then after a few prayer he goes to heaven.

The sky is quite high.

Gates beaded.

The sky was clear lights, serene, peaceful.

A lot of angels and other things.

You say? how I feel.

I think that when we die, we end up in this long dark spiral

which leads to nothing. L? let's go.

And I do not like. This is why? You will not go? l? out ...

why? They could shoot and It happens that thing l ?.

Schecky, recalls the power.

Kill them with a laugh before they kill you.

It was that kind, Berle, first.

Maybe? I better shut up. What he said?

Use the power of laughter.

Laughter? The power of laughter? Says no more!

Maybe he has some special meaning.

The power of ... ah ah!

I understand what of course! S ?!

Who are you?

Moskowitz. Schecky Moskowitz. What's your name, man?

- Achmed. - Achmed, with lots of saliva.

What do you do, eh?

They fight for the people. The people of the people.

- I like people. - Free or wrestlers? - Free.

Sometimes I work for the rebels.

- I would too if I were you. - Sometimes I deliver pizzas.

In half an hour or something?

Well, Miss Australia, you have a last wish?

S ?, I'd like to sing my last song.

I won the contest Miss Australia with this.

Mean a lot to me.

Ok.

Sing what you want.

Children of Australia We rejoice together

why? siam young and free.

My mother took me cos? when I was little.

Can you let me go? I feel a little 'bad.

You know, when I was sick my Mother told me to drink liquids.

I think he was right, every After I drink a drink strong,

choke!

Speaking of drinks ... I, to offer me a drink ...

insult a girl telling her: "Baby, you're horrible!"

She takes the drink me and pulls him ...

and I open my mouth, right? After six or seven girls,

I am already? drunk!

Very well. ? enough.

? It was beautiful.

? It was very nice.

Ok, that's enough!

Why? not try it too?

- I? - Power!

Then I do man ...

Take my wife ... please?

Speaking of my wife ... ? cos? fat ...

What? fat ...?

... That when enters the house ...

the house is full!

Forget the girl.

Expensive!

I have to do the comic!

Entertain the public. I love it!

- Are you OK? - S ?.

- You are fine? - I bump on the head ...

but I do not think I They will be bruising.

Why? you saved me?

Why? I love you.

Oh Jesus ?! Really?

I love you too.

Will you marry me?

Oh, s ?.

I think I'm a lover and non-combatant.

Kiss Me!

What about the murder Miss Australia?

Forget it. He said that Schecky we can go to live with him

and we can go in America with him,

and can? teach the art of comedy.

- Really? - Really.

We will use his material or what?

Scriver? all the your jokes.

If you like, you do? also make a film.

Do you see that the camera ??

Why? do not say a few jokes now?

- In that room. - A movie?

Okay ...

Ok. Um ...

Well ...

Cos'? invisible and smells like ...

Carrot?

Carrots ... ok! The know.

I do not know.

You do not know?

? a small scureggia rabbit!

Pap? let me out!

It will not be? pi? bad.

I swear.

Who? Racing at first base?

With the second base? Come on!

... Be the third base!

Nobody loves you. Not deserve to wear it.

Someone to ... Please let me out.

I swear to god that no insulter? pi? nobody.

Not imprecher ?. Somebody, please.

If you're ...

Please.

Fucking idiot.

Stupid idiot! I'm an atheist.

Hei.

How many?

- Three. - Three?

Three lizards? And why? three?

Why? a? blind!

Ugly motherfuckers. Get off my stage.

I went back to my damn job.

Look,? the dead man!

S ?. ? the comedian died!

Dead? Ugly bastards!

I'm not dead. Here I am. I was locked in the bathroom ...

stupid ...

Fucking terrorists!

Thanks a lot.

Very well.

Everything? gone the right way, no?

Let's see ... the rock star and his manager selfish

They are surrounded Girls from now.

And Bob has a beautiful girl now.

As he has conquered not uncover? never ...

but Captain strange things.

And even those terrorists have obtained what they wanted. An audience.

I ... I think I've got what I wanted, you know?

Now I'm a great comedian.

I am also a hero, but I'm missing something.

Hey, Schecky.

I have a surprise for you.

Neptune, how have you been? ? a little 'no see.

Great.

I would like you met someone.

- Alga! - Seaweed?

Hello.

This? my daughter, Alga!

Hello, Alga.

I looked to my daughter a week of his shell.

And he asked me to let you know.

I have observed of your shell?

S ?, I really wanted, really meet.

? cos? sweet!

Hey, King Neptune, I wanted to know ...

I can carry it forward ...

and to kiss her close the movie ...

It would be fine?

Go Go go.

But to bring it back reef eleven!

And no language!