Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

I need more.

- More? - More!

It's...

Perfect!

I want everyone to know who's responsible for...

All this.

I'm telling all my friends about you.

Oh, no.

Come on! Give it to me!

You hit like a girl.

Come on! Give it to me, you bitch.

Why are you being so mean?

Okay. Stop.

Stop!

Okay, that's it.

Amateur!

And for the record,

"stop" is not the safe word.

Pussy.

Hi, guys.

Hey, you.

Hi, welcome to the Pirate's Booty.

I'll be your serving wench.

Hello, Enrique.

Okay.

Bunny's on her way.

Finally!

Girl, you look good.

I'm not a girl.

I'm a woman.

How's it hanging, Dale?

- Good. You? - Limp-loose, full of juice.

Okay, gross.

So then, what do you think is more important?

Great sex, or true love?

- Oh... - Great sex. Duh!

Hey, Bunny, go check out Cassie's new eye shadow.

It's called Parfait Kapow.

Shit!

Ow Kapow!

It might be a bit much.

I think it's just a cry for attention, honestly.

I mean, what do you think, Lawrence?

Do you think Cassie's just being an attention-whore, with the way that she looks?

Wow, there's definitely some of that going on around here.

And what does that mean?

He was calling you an attention-whore.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Selfie!

Come on, an attention-whore? I mean, really?

What about Bunny?

I am not a whore, Brandy.

I am a slut. There is a big difference.

And Cassie is not "looking for attention,"

she's just hiding from something behind all...

This.

- Thank you, Bunny. - I got your back, girlfriend.

So, how'd the date go with doctor what's-his-face?

- It ended early. - Oh, no.

- You didn't. - Let me guess. You told him...

- The plan? - Of course.

I had to!

You know how I feel about being upfront and honest.

I just like to lay all cards on the table,

so we have a strong basis to build our future.

Hey, Lawrence, can you help me with something?

Uh, yeah. Hold on.

God! Brandy! Geez.

What?

Amber.

You know that men are cum-blind.

They can't even think about a future with you

when they're wondering if you'll have sex with them.

He's right. A guy can't even know the real you until after you've had sex.

Exactly. And it's "she," Brandy.

Right. Sorry.

So, until sex is out of the way, your plan is pointless.

He's right...

She's right. It's just too much pressure.

Step one in building a meaningful relationship,

is getting the pressure of sex out of the way.

Just be cute,

have sex,

then you surprise him with the plan after he says, "I do."

Mmm, I don't know.

And don't tell them you work here.

Because you want to meet a doctor.

A rich doctor.

And then get married and have a child.

It's two children, Shilo and Loretto.

Wait, which one was a girl?

It could go either way.

And one dog.

- A Shih Tzu. - Schnauzer.

- Snax... - Max.

Vacations is Spain, private schools,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Never gonna happen.

Lawrence?

If you look close, you can see your future.

What is wrong with you?

I think you're all wrong.

- I will meet my doctor. - Your rich doctor.

Thank you, Dale.

And he will be just as excited about the plan as I am.

And we will get married and have our children,

and then, I will be happy.

Do you think you could find happiness without the plan?

No.

- Control freak. - I am not a...

A control freak.

I just know what I want. What's wrong with that?

Nothing. Amber, you're a great catch,

but your big plan is getting in the way of your other...

Options.

"Other options"?

Amber, we all want family, kids,

vacation in the Caribbean...

It's actually Hawaii.

Which, my husband will join me and the kids on, every now and then.

So your husband will only join you every now and then?

Bunny,

someone has got to be the doctor

and someone has got to live the doctor lifestyle.

You can't do both. There's just not enough time.

Uh, everyone. Can I get your attention, everyone?

Come on over here, please, everyone.

Uh, this is Dawn. Dawn this is everyone.

Dawn is the new Pirate Booty's hostess.

Hey, Dawn.

Ciao bella.

Just don't listen to any one of them about anything.

Uh, okay, so please treat her better than you treat your...

Each other and me. Especially me.

So we have a full house tonight,

so go out there and do the best you can.

Be the best booty you can be.

Yeah, actually, legally, we're not allowed to say that anymore so...

Oh, okay.

Be the best wench you can be.

Ironically that's fine. So I don't... She wasn't...

God!

Uh, Cassie, hi. Uh, wow. Phew. Cassie...

Um...

Wow, you got a lot of makeup on today.

So, I'm going to need you to remove just some of it. Maybe the eyeliner

around the... Around the lips.

You're like 90% troll doll now. So I need you to tone it... We need to tone it down,

just back it up.

If I had a beep sound, I'd be beeping right now. All right?

So, okay. Yikes. If you wanna...

Get out of the light, maybe go over there?

Just wipe off some of your precious, that'd be great.

All right, Brandy. Wow. Okay, we need to button those up, all right?

I want the customers to focus on the specials

and not what's special about you.

Buzzkill.

Ah, okay.

All right, so we have a table full of docs tonight,

so, Amber, we are going to make sure that you are

as far away from them as possible.

Bunny you're on the docs tonight, all right?

It'll be fun watching them trying to figure you out.

Hear that? I am on the docs.

Don't worry, Ryan, I will get all over those docs.

Don't do that.

- All over those docs. - Don't... Don't do that.

Gee, that's it. Now I'm locking the supply closet.

You are a buzzkill.

Moan. You don't have to moan.

Stop moaning.

Will you knock it off? This is a work place.

Okay, listen. All right. Everybody just

go out there and pretend to be somebody that you're not already pretending not to be.

Are you insinuating that I am pretending to be something I am not?

Okay. Uh, let's do a Pirate Booty's...

Let's do a thing where we all team it up

and let's put a claw, okay?

All right, on the count of three, everyone... Ah, just go out there, you...

What's up, Enrique?

Right.

Whoo! I am beat.

How'd you do?

- Good. You? - Pretty good.

Bunny?

I made $300 in tips.

And, I also got two numbers from some rich doctors

that I plan to have sex with and never see again.

That's a shock.

Actually, doc-shock happens when I show them my big...

Selfie!

- Just our faces. - And a little boobie.

So what are you doing tonight, Amber?

Um, well, my aunt died.

- Aw. Condolences. - Oh, my gosh.

No, actually it happened a while ago and I didn't really know her.

But thanks.

Anyway, my mom is selling the house at the end of the summer,

but she doesn't want to leave it vacant until then.

I guess the realtor told her that bad things can happen to vacant houses.

So, she told me that I could stay there until it sells, if I want to.

- Where is it? - It's only a couple of miles away.

What's it like?

I've actually never been there, but I heard it's cute.

Apparently, everything's still there just the way she left it.

And, my aunt was a huge wine-lover,

and I guess there are still several cases.

I'm going there now.

You guys should come with me. Free booze.

Interesting.

Hey, you guys should stay there this summer with me.

It'll be fun. And there's a resort-style spa and pool.

It'll be like a vacation home. A staycation.

Did your aunt live there alone?

No, she lived there with someone my mom refers to as the love of her life,

who died a long time ago.

I guess she never really left the house much after that.

Ow! Mother of God! That fucking hurt.

Something just pushed me in the pool.

Something just hit me in the head with a wine bottle.

- What's going on around here? - I don't know!

Oh, what the hell's going on in here?

Oh! We're getting attacked.

Let's get out of here.

- What the... - Go! Oh, my God!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Ah!

Did your aunt die in the house?

No. She had a heart attack or something in the library she worked in.

Wow. Librarian-loner-wino.

What a dynamic life she must have led.

All I know, is it's a free house for the summer.

You guys want in?

I have a date tonight, but I think I can stop by on the way.

Yes. Same. I have this thing with this guy in about an hour.

But maybe I can stop by before we start.

Uh, remember, doc-shock. It's a real thing and it's happening tonight.

Besides, I already have my own little love nest.

I call it the Stabin' Cabin.

Ew!

What?

I have no interest in moving into some cat house with you all.

No offense, I just think it'll cramp my style.

You have style?

- You have cramps? - Don't even go there, girlfriend.

It's kinda cute.

It's really cute, right?

Not bad.

All righty, righty.

Why is this here?

I don't know.

My mom told me my aunt always said this house had great energy.

Are you sure this is it?

I'll try the key.

Hopefully it's as cute as my mom says it is.

Oh, my God.

- It's... - So cute!

Wow.

So, your aunt lived here all alone? Like this?

That's what my mom said.

Wow.

Hey, what's this old thing?

That's a radio.

And a turntable.

- Huh? - A record player.

Really? How's it work?

I don't know.

Hey, what's this?

Hey, Amber, is this your aunt?

Yeah.

Who's the guy?

That must be the love of her life.

Who died here, like, 30 years ago.

- Him? - Yeah.

He's got huge hands.

I found my room.

Oh, my God! This is so cute.

Hmm.

There's something about this piece of art.

It really speaks to me.

That's because it looks like a paddle, a whip, and a riding crop.

That's it.

Selfie.

Okay.

Whoa!

Huh.

My phone is off.

That's weird.

I'll take it with mine.

Mine won't turn on.

Here.

Yeah, mine, too.

Mine won't even turn on.

No phone, no Internet...

They were completely cut off from the outside world.

You mean...

- We're in a... - Dead zone.

- Dun, dun, da... - Okay! Guys, stop it.

You're gonna freak me out.

I'm staying here alone, remember?

Are you sure you're...

All alone?

She's not alone, until she gets in the shower.

Okay, stop, I get it.

And then it's...

Okay, I get it! Enough.

A toast.

To an unforgettable summer.

In the house of death.

I'll stay here with you this summer, Amber.

What about you, Brandy?

No selfies?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

If there is a tomorrow.

- Okay, Ams, I gotta run. - Yeah, me too.

But thank you.

- Have fun tonight. - Oh, yeah.

- Stay out of trouble. - You stay out of trouble.

Oh, right.

Seriously, what trouble could possibly find me here?

- Mm-hmm - You just remember your safety word.

I always do. But I never use it.

Hope you're not going to be too bored here all by yourself.

I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied.

Yeah. Bob. Your battery-operated boyfriend.

Oh, Buzz, right here, Buzz.

Oh, Buzz, I love you!

You girls are sick.

Have fun, Amber.

See you later, Am.

Damn.

I should have brought Buzz.

That was weird.

Oh, Amber...

I thought...

How much have I had to drink?

I got to go to bed.

Hmm.

Aunt Catherine.

You animal, you.

I thought I...

I need some sleep.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God.

This house does have good energy.

Good morning, Enrique.

Thank you. I'm doing good, too.

- How was your date? - Ugh. Epicly awful.

I don't know understand why guys treat me like I'm a hooker or something.

It's like, we meet up at the bar,

and then right away, they push me into the men's bathroom

for a make out session.

And then, in the car, they grab my head

and just push it into their crotch.

- Mmm... - This is a bad date?

Ugh...

Okay, where exactly did you meet this guy?

I just want guys to want to get to know me first.

Told you, cum-blind.

How was doc-shock?

Surprised the hell out of them.

I mean, you'd think they'd never seen a dick before.

Groty.

- So it was a bust. - Oh, no.

I'm seeing them both again.

Really?

That's crazy.

Is that what it takes to actually land one of these docs?

Honey, all you need is the right attitude.

And apparently, some additional equipment.

They both said they've never been with a woman like me before.

Because you're not.

- How was your date, Brandy? - Lame.

These guys always act all tough, like they can really dish it out.

I mean, I'm screaming at them. Harder! Harder!

I mean, I really want a serious beating.

They're afraid they're actually going to hurt me or something.

They don't understand, that's the point.

I want the pain. I love the pain.

Girl, I hear ya.

You guys have to see the video I just posted.

Do you see them?

Oh, I see them.

Oh, my gosh, Cassie, are you seeing this?

Yes. Oh, I can play with them all day.

Oh, my God, they are so perky. I just want to cuddle and snuggle with them.

Oh, I just want to eat them all up.

They're just so bouncy.

You just want to get your hands all over them.

I just want to put my face right in the middle.

- Boing, boing... - Purr...

More videos of kittens?

Girls, this is getting gratuitous.

Oh, Bunny, you're overreacting.

Hey, Amber.

Hey, how was last night, in the granny cabin?

I don't really know how to describe it.

It was almost like there was a ghost in the house with me.

Or something.

Oh, my gosh, did it hurt you?

No.

There's this warm energy all around me.

And I had the most amazing dream.

I was having sex.

- With who? - Or what?

I don't know.

But it wasn't like it was a dream.

It was like it was real, you know?

I totally read this somewhere. They call it, like,

- paranormal passion. - Spectrophilia.

It's people who have sex with ghosts.

Is that even real?

Everything on the Internet is real.

Where did you find that?

You spend enough time on the Internet searching for fetish porn,

and you come across just about everything.

- Was it scary? - No.

It was exciting and fun.

"Fun"?

I don't remember hearing that in your perfect plan.

I want paranormal passion.

- Can I still move into the house with you? - Of course.

Count me in. I want to take a stab at your ghost.

- Oh, now you're interested? - Mm-hmm.

Also, for the record, I never said it was a ghost.

- I didn't see anything. - Oh, no.

It's a ghost, all right.

And I'm going to give it to it so good,

I'm going to raise the dead.

What about you, Brandy?

Do you want to get it on with Amber's ghost?

Hmm...

- Was it rough? Like, at all? - No.

It was really gentle.

Boring!

Oh, come on, Brandy.

And spend the rest of my summer

having gentle vanilla sex with the invisible man?

- No, thank you. - Brandy.

- It's gonna be fun. - There's that word, again.

Brandy...

Please!

- Please, please, please, please! - Come on!

Fine. Fine.

But, if there's no action, I'm totally leaving.

Awesome!

But we probably shouldn't go there alone, just in case.

Hey, guys, do you want to come with us

to Amber's aunt's house tonight, after work?

She says it's scary.

- Um, I did not. - And there's a lot of booze.

Okay, yeah. Sure, no problem.

And bad girls that need a spanking, Lawrence.

Yeah, I'll come.

Great, It's settled.

We'll all go bang Amber's ghost.

What?

You girls stay here, we're going to go inside and make sure that it's safe.

Oh, God.

Okay, let the men have their manly moment.

- What are you doing? - What? The men, right?

Oh, so now you wanna be a man?

Dale, even as a girl, I'm twice the man you wish you were.

Okay, let's go.

Power's out. Come on.

Are you cupping my balls?

Sorry. It's instinctual.

This is stupid.

This switch doesn't work.

Let's get some wine.

Great. Hey, where's the wine at?

I'll show you.

Lawrence, can you help me?

Yeah, sure.

- What do you think? - Mmm. It's divine.

Lawrence, what are you doing to me?

Lawrence, you dirty dog.

I'm going to get my bags.

Oh, I'm going to get the Bunny-go-round.

God, what is wrong with you?

Let's go to the bathroom, there's a towel rack in there.

You can tie me to it and...

You know, I might actually like you

if there wasn't so much...

You, all the time.

God, that girl is so weird.

Lawrence, can you please help me with the rest of my stuff?

- Yeah, sure. - Thank you.

Wine me.

Thanks, girl.

Dibs.

Oh, ghost...

Come out, come out wherever you are.

You guys are being ridiculous. I'm sure there's nothing here.

I probably imagined it.

- What happened? - Amber had sex with a ghost.

And she liked it. A lot!

Really?

Now, was that a part of your plan,

because I don't remember hearing anything about ghost sex.

It is an amendment to the plan.

Oh, so the plan can be amended?

Whoa!

Okay. That was weird.

I'm just going to put that back here.

- Yeah. - Don't want that to happen again.

- Thanks. - Oh, no problem.

Looks like everything's falling for you now.

That was really corny.

Well, I am from Nebraska and that's corn country.

- Oh, right. - Amber, I've...

Um, Amber, about this perfect plan of yours...

- Yes? - Well, I've been thinking...

Okay...

When there's something strange in the neighborhood,

who you going to call?

Ghost...

Ghost...

Gh...

Mmm. That's what I'm talking about.

Um, you're doing all this to get some stuff done.

To complete the plan.

Right. Complete the plan so you can be happy.

Yes?

Well...

Whoa!

Shit. What was that?

A box?

I guess it came from up there.

Oh, that's my horny Phantom.

Mmm. Come on and give it to me. Give it to me.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh.

What you doing? Checking me out?

Hey, did you just run out?

Oh, hell no!

Um, so I'm completing the plan so I can be happy.

Right. Well, I guess my point is,

why wait for all that?

I mean, you're doing all this just so you can be happy,

but what if you can find a way to be happy without the plan?

- Um... - And that would...

That would open up so many other opportunities.

Because then I can date other people?

Right. Other people.

God!

Uh...

No! Why is it doing that?

Hold on, hold, on.

Come on!

This place is weird, I'm going to go check out the backyard.

- Yeah, I'll come with you. - Okay.

Thank you.

Forget this place.

The Bunny-go-round is out of business.

I got an entire metal dance team I could be with tonight.

Not here, with some transphobic ghost

who doesn't know a good thing when he sees it.

Things are getting interesting around here.

I'll get my bag.

I'll get wine.

Oh!

What the hell tripped me?

Gah!

I swear I put this over here.

There's something strange going on here, man,

- Like what? - I don't know.

What, the smoke alarm? That was probably a low battery or something.

Yeah, I guess.

Ow!

What the hell was that?

Ha. Pine cone.

You know, I've never been hit by a pine cone.

Lucky you.

Ow!

Lawrence, that really hurt, man.

- I didn't do it. - Really?

What was that?

- Oh! - Dude, what happened?

Damn it, Lawrence!

- That's it! - What? Whoa!

You are real.

Whoa.

What happened?

Amber, you need to know that...

Oh, God! Susie!

Oh, no.

Ooh!

It's fine.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

No, I'm good.

Yeah. I'm good.

But, Amber, seriously...

You need...

God! No, no, no, no!

No, no, it's okay. You're fine. Thank you.

Wonderful...

Um, good night.

- You're leaving? - Yeah.

You should know...

Okay.

Good night.

I'm history, too.

I don't know anybody who'd want to stay here.

Wow.

If that isn't the final... You!

I'll take Bunny's room.

Where did everybody go?

Well, Dale and Lawrence and Bunny left,

- but Brandy's gonna stay. - Oh!

Okay then.

I'm just going to be in my room for the night. So, bye.

Okay. Good night.

I think I would like some music.

Oh.

Cassie likes to be spanked.

Ow!

I meant Brandy.

Ow!

Yeah.

That really hurt!

This isn't for me. I'm out of here.

Oh!

Oh!

Well, that's better.

Thank you.

I think I'll stay.

So there really is a ghost.

Oh, my God! This is great!

Hold on.

Someone's gonna have some fun.

I'm ready.

Okay.

Be patient.

Oh, yeah.

Be nice.

Oh. Oh, wow.

I'm ready.

Ah!

Stop is not the safety...

What...

What the...

Oh.

Hey!

Oh.

Aw.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Wow. I like it.

Oh... Ah...

Ooh!

Ah...

Aw!

Here you go, ladies. I know you all love polishing sliver ware.

Yay, silver ware.

Cassie, you look normal. I mean, you look great.

You look... Actually, you look amazing. So...

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

What's going on? You're all acting weird. Huh? Is everything all right?

Just feeling the love, Ryan.

- Ooh! - We're great.

- Ooh. - Happy.

Well, good. It'll be a good day then.

I'll tell you what. Let's all commemorate

the day that you were happy at work, huh?

Team selfie, everybody. Team-selfie that.

None of you are smiling. Are you serious?

You are so self-absorbed with taking pictures on the Internet,

you guys can't take one...

No, I guess I took it with my thumb anyway...

Let me know where Bunny is.

Oh, I think she called in sick.

She said something about doing some dance routine, pulled a muscle.

Oh, yeah, the love muscle.

And the love muscle...

We all... And gross.

- Ghost sex. - Hey, you want a chair?

Actually, I think I'm going to stand.

I think I'm gonna stand for the next couple of days, guys.

Ooh!

Wow. Lucky.

Well, last night was another crazy night.

- Sweet. Yeah. - Oh, yeah. And this morning.

Mm-hmm. And most of the day today.

- Yeah. - I wish our ghost could leave the house

and go with us everywhere.

I'm actually kinda glad it doesn't.

Ow.

Hey...

Since it can't leave, how do you think our insatiable spirit

would feel about us having some friends over?

Ah!

Looks like that's a yes.

You know, we actually have a lot of hot single friends.

What if we invited them over?

We could have a barbecue.

Or a movie night?

Pool party?

Yeah, a pool party

and then a naughty-nightie slumber party.

Where is that naughty ghost?

She's gonna get it.

Oh, yeah.

Here I come, girls. Whoo!

So, where's this ghost you told us about?

- Yeah, where's the ghost? - We want the ghost.

Wait for it.

Let's not do this again.

Yeah.

You mean, at least not until Tuesday.

- See you later, Dawn. - Bye, girls.

- Thanks. It was another great party. - Bye.

Thank you. Look forward to the next one.

I need a slumber party break.

I'm exhausted.

Hey, you guys, what's this?

- Is it corn? - Yeah.

It's mine. Dale gave it to me.

It's like an inside joke.

I don't know why he gives me stuff like this.

Hey, Enrique.

Who me?

Yes, you.

You see another abrasive sexist pig in this place?

If I hear one more nasty comment come out of your burrito hole,

I'm going to start translating everything you say.

Got it?

Got it?

Si.

Good.

- Bye. - Bye, girls.

Good night.

What's wrong, Am?

Oh, nothing. It's just my mom.

She keeps bugging me about getting married and having babies.

Isn't that what you want?

Oh, well, it was.

And then it wasn't.

Because of the ghost.

Yes.

And then, the other day, I saw this family

in the park, and they were with their baby and their dog,

and they just looked so happy.

And now, I don't know what I want.

Well, what about your plan?

I think I have a new plan.

Be happy.

I love it.

What about you, Brandy?

Same plan. More pain.

What is it with you and pain?

Pain's the only thing...

Pain's the only thing that's ever made me feel loved.

At least it used to.

Well, pretty soon it's not gonna matter anyways.

Once the house is sold, we'll all have to give up the ghost.

Whoa, I don't think I'm ready for that one.

Uh, yeah, that's my problem. I want it all.

I want the husband and the babies,

and the ghost.

- You really think you can have it all? - Yes!

Maybe.

I don't know.

But I think I'm going to find out.

- I have a date with Dale tonight. - What?

That's so weird. I have a date with Ryan tonight.

What?

You two-timing little whores.

I can't believe you're cheating on our ghost.

Oh, it's not really cheating if it's a ghost.

I mean, it's not really real, right?

I'll tell you what the real problem is, you guys.

What's going to happen when, let's say, the ghost finds out?

Okay, well, we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Look.

The ghost will just have to understand there are some needs

even it can't fulfill.

Yeah, and what if it doesn't?

Brandy, relax.

It loves us.

Yeah, it would never hurt us.

Really? Never hurt us? Hmm?

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

Tell that to my ass.

Oh, um...

Hon, I'm actually not into that right now.

Do you think we could just have a quite night in? Just us?

- Hi. - Hi.

- How was your date? - It was amazing.

- How was yours? - It was so good.

Good.

- Okay. - Let's go.

All right. Well?

I'm going to get some sleep.

Yeah. Me too.

- Good night. - Good night.

Not tonight, maybe tomorrow.

No, not tonight.

Ow!

Why is it being such a dick?

Let's get out of here.

Yeah, maybe we'll come back when you stop acting like such a jerk.

Asshole!

What the hell is wrong with it?

I'm beginning to think our ghost only wants things it's way.

So much for double dating, looks like you two are going to have to ditch Dale and Ryan.

- No! - I don't think I can do that.

- Do you think it's... - I don't know.

That was the ghost.

Oh, great! The ghost can leave the house.

What does that mean?

It means it can follow us anywhere?

Anywhere?

- Forever. - This is bad.

The house is going to be sold anyhow, let's just leave.

And be looking over our shoulders wherever we go?

You guys do not know what this ghost is capable of.

I feel terrible.

I put us all at risk.

Amber, it's not your fault.

Look, after work tonight,

I'm gonna come have a talk with our ghost.

We should be there together.

- I don't know. - No, Cassie's right.

We should all be here.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Dawn.

Yeah?

- Don't give me anymore tables tonight. - Okay.

- I have to take care of something. - Cool, no problem.

- You got it. - Thank you.

Hey, Cass, have you seen Amber?

I thought she was with you.

I think she went home to take care of something.

- Oh, no. - She went back to the house.

- What's up? - Amber went to the house to break up with the ghost.

- What? - Oh, shit. We got to get over there.

- We can take my car. - All right, let's go.

- What's going on? - Oh, uh, Bunny...

Uh, you get all the tables, we'll be right back.

Oh, hell no!

Okay...

Brandy and Cassie aren't coming.

Come on, man. Can't we go any faster?

- Why would you take your car? - Mine was closer.

By two spaces. I have an SUV, too.

Just please go faster.

Look, I...

I really want you to know how much we've enjoyed our time with you.

But...

My mom's selling the property.

I think it's just time that we move out and move on.

Please don't be like this. Just...

You're going like, 20 miles an hour, Lawrence.

My grandma could drive faster than this.

- That's what the speed limit is. - Be a man!

Yeah, it's the speed limit when kids are in the area.

There's no kids here.

I am not getting a citation.

You're scaring me.

Stop.

This is not the way I go.

There's like a shortcut, right?

No, he's got it. He's got it under control. Just go faster.

Okay, just hurry!

I know it's hard, but we have to let each other go.

Is that fast enough?

Oh, my God! Please stop!

You're hurting me.

I know you're not a monster.

Please stop.

I'll always love you.

Amber, are you okay?

- Yeah. Yeah, everything's okay. - Good.

Okay.

- Amber! - Am, are you okay?

- What happened? - Why did you come here alone?

It's fine.

- Everything's good. - Really?

Well, pretty good.

Yeah, get my bag, it's the red one on top.

Yeah, okay.

Come on.

Dale, can you help me with my bags? Thanks.

Hey, Brandy, I've been meaning to ask you, um...

- Mm-hmm. - Do you want to go out sometime?

Oh.

You're serious?

Okay. Um...

How exactly does this part work?

Well, uh, I was thinking we could go to a movie

and maybe afterwards, get some ice cream.

What's your favorite flavor, vanilla?

No way.

Ohh!

It's French vanilla.

Lawrence, you're a wild man.

I get that sometimes.

Who wants fresh-baked cookies?

- Ooh. Over here. - Ooh!

Screw my diet.

Thank you.

Oh, great news. The house closed today.

Wow, that was fast.

Hey, Lolly.

Dawn!

Hi.

- Congratulations! - Thank you.

You know, this is the first haunted house I've ever sold.

Are you scared?

Oh, come on. Scared of a ghost?

What's the worst that can happen?

I'll invite you to my house-warming party. It's going to be a mind-blower.

- You better. - I will.

Bye.

Let the beatings begin.

Where's Bunny?

Oh, I, uh... I left her in charge of the restaurant.

"Head Booty." What she wants to be called.

Hey, we're here for the Bunny-go-round.

Well, well, well, well, well, well.

If it isn't my two favorite docs.

And I've got the keys to the supply closet.

Follow me.

Excuse me?

Yes.

Table for two, please.

We're fully booked.

Hey, let me see that.

Mom, so this was the love of Aunt Catherine's life.

Oh, no, honey, I'm so sorry.

I just didn't know how to tell you.

It was her.

Aunt Catherine was a lesbian.

- What we're really trying to do is... - Spray.

Use just a little water, we want more spray.

That's it.

That's much better.

That's it. You're like little whales.

Just mystic.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is, "We are the world."

- I, I... - Hey, yo, what's up, D?

Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going?

Ooh...

Hello, Oscar, this could be your breakthrough role.

Like, is she that messy?

- Did you want all the at mess? - I did.

Is it just to fill space?

I've lived with girls that were just like that.

My ex-wife was like that. Disgusting, yeah.

All my sisters were like that.

My rice boobs.

These are rice?

Mahatma Rice.

I have brown rice and I have white rice.

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, that's perfect. - Oh, I got!

What do you want? What the hell do you want from me?

The ghost is... Fuck!

What is happening?

What the hell? Oh, my God!

The ghost is...

The house is alive, the house is alive!

What the fuck is going on?

Action.

Okay, again, let's...

Two, three, go!

Argh! Okay, one more time.

- What am I doing? Why are you... - No, you're doing it fine.

- It's just a tiny thing. - Oh, okay.

This is called the exit.

Spit and do a burp.

Hold on. Retake it.

You're welcome.

He's really good.

Can't do that one, guys, sorry.

Action.

Oh, my God! That's so cute.

Oh, that's so cute. I love your cat though.

Let me give it a little kissie. Kissie. Mwah!

Shit! I just broke a nail. Sorry. Hold on.

I need her in another outfit, this is what she's...

Do you have some big driving, acting moves planned for us today?

Yeah, I've been working on my donut holes

and I'm a professional drifter.

Awesome.

I just drift through life.

You're like a couple of gag surgeons.

...two, one.

Oh! We missed...

You know nothing about me is real.

Uh, there's other lines that I don't pay attention to.

Can you put this back together for us really quick?

We've already glued this one and it's broken again.

And then this part right here needs something.

And I'm going to try and return it for $10.99.

Why are you being so mean?

What's my fucking line? Shit!

Look at that. That way your writs aren't as loose.

Let's see if you can get out of those.

See how hard it is to get out of them.

Okay.

Houdini, they call me.

Wow. That's pretty amazing.

Hey, she knows who Houdini is.

- You lost the bar. - Oh, my God!

Captain Morgan.

- Captain of the ship. - Dale Morgan.

What is my last name?

It's not a well-thought-out script.

Pussy!

It's okay, it's all right.

- I don't like her. - Cut. It's all right.

She reminds me of mom.

Move right, squirt left.

- There you go. - Now turn as little...

Now pee towards us. There you go.

I love my penis. I love it.

Rumors are you'd love it too.

Sex with a ghost. I wish.

That is the most ridiculous... Ooh!

That was weird.

Oh!

Oh, I feel a sequel coming on.

I can't wait.

I want it now!

Subtitles by explosiveskull