Original subtitles

- That's why me and my grandma don't talk anymore.

- Aw, Christin. Both: Aww.

- No, 'cause she's dead, not because we don't get along.

- Why didn't you say that in the first place?

- Yeah, you know I'm a medium.

- Oh, that's right. - Oh, this is a good place.

- Yeah, I like this, too.

- Whoo, I'm hot.

- Oh, oh, okay, I see you.

- Come through, tank top! - Yes!

- Oh, it's like that? I got the same shirt on.

- Oh, my God, y'all. Y'all crazy.

- Bitch, oww! - My arm!

- Whew! - Look at God.

- Won't he do it? - Won't he?

♪ ♪

All: Ooh!

- Bees, beetles, bugs. - Okay, we're almost there!

We're about to make it! Whoo!

- Yes! - Wow!

Yeah!

- This is so beautiful.

Mother Nature should, like, take a selfie.

- Yeah, she did her thing.

- We made it to the top. - ♪ Hey, to the top ♪

♪ We made it to the top ♪

all: ♪ Hey, to the top, we made it to the top ♪

♪ Hey, to the top, we made it to the top ♪

♪ Hey, to the top ♪ - Oh, my God!

Look at that little chipmunk!

All: Aww.

- Oww!

Oh, my God.

Did that chipmunk just trip? - Oh, chipmunk trip!

- Ah, chipmunk trip!

♪ ♪

- Oh, oh.

Whoa-whoa-whoa!

- Oh... oh, she's sliding. She's sliding.

I thought... oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Just let her go!

- The world would have you believe that all black women

are angry all the time.

Actually, we're incredibly joyful.

In fact, our joy is so powerful,

it can be dangerous.

Even deadly. But don't worry.

That lady who laugh-slid down the mountain is fine.

That chipmunk, on the other hand,

died of embarrassment.

He busted his chipmunk ass!

He chipmunk-tripped!

He chipmunked!

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪

♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho, get a bag, ho ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ ♪

- Ooh, will you let me do your eyebrows next?

- Rude. Wait a minute.

Is there something wrong with my eyebrows?

- Ooh, I have a question. - So do I.

What's wrong with my eyebrows?

- Who was the first person that made you think about sex?

- Yeah, I'm not clear what this has to do with my eyebrows.

- I've moved on.

Who was the first person that made you

wanna hunch your pillow? - Oh.

The first person who made me think about fucking

was probably... - André 3000.

- What?

- You didn't even hear the question.

- I heard "fucking."

And when it comes to fucking,

André 3000 is always the answer.

Not with all those hats.

- The first person to make me think about fucking

was actually two people. - Mmm.

- André 300 and Big Boi. - No.

Mulder and Scully. - That tracks.

- Oh?

- To this day, I still get hot whenever I see

a red-haired woman and a pasty white man.

- Ooh, don't watch "Scooby-Doo."

You gonna melt.

Okay, Robin, this seems like the kind of question

you'd only ask because you wanted to answer it.

- Yes, okay.

Do you guys remember the episode of "106 & Park" where...

Both: Ginuwine was on the gurney!

- Yes! - Yas!

- Yo, he changed my life when he body rolled off that thing.

He was like... - Ooh, wait, wait, wait.

- Clear! - Yes.

Come on!

- Back in the day when it came to Ginuwine,

I would have ridden his pony, his caribou.

- His meerkat. - Ooh, his ocelot.

- I lost my virginity to Ginuwine.

- Why? - Where?

- When? - How?

And by how I mean, "How was it?"

- No, I did not fuck Ginuwine. My God, no.

I was listening to "Differences"

when I lost my virginity. - Aww, that's sweet.

- Oh, no, that's just the only Ginuwine song

my parents let me listen to.

They said the rest of his music was for fast girls.

Joke's on them.

- Praise God for this bi-weekly pot luck.

All: Amen.

Now it is time to bless the food.

Who would like to... Praise God for Jesus.

Uh, let me just clarify.

We just looking for someone to pray over the food.

Y'all know good and well some of y'all see a podium,

your mouths need Imodium.

Yeah, all right, then. Make it quick.

- All right. Understood, Pastor.

All right, everybody please bow your heads

and close your eyes. Thank you.

Heavenly Father... - Mm.

- Please bless this food and the hands that made it.

- Amen. - Primarily mine.

Please bless Deaconess Jones,

even though she showed up with sweet potato pie.

Everyone knows

I make the sweet potato pie,

Father God.

Why, Father God, are her pies wet, Lord?

How do you get water under the crust?

Look...

- It's holy water in my pies.

Right, baby? - Hallelujah.

Want some? - Why are y'all so hard-headed?

You know good and well God blessed those

who blessed themselves. You know what?

- Lord, it's me, your child, Butterfly, amen,

and I would just like to pray for this food.

♪ I'm praying ♪

Because, Father, my new single,

"The Club Is Bumping Up And Down,"

comes out this week,

so I pray these saints check out my Soundcloud

at ButterflyClips because I do hair and do short form content.

Because... ♪ The club is bumping up and down ♪

♪ My body's so sick, bumping up and down ♪

♪ All over your... ♪

- Hey, hey! That is inappropriate.

You get it, Butterfly, but that is inappropriate.

Sorry, Pastor. How y'all doing tonight?

Everybody looks good.

Y'all look good tonight. Oh, what else?

What else?

- Sister Keisha,

I rebuke your stand-up comedy, Sister Keisha.

No. - Pastor.

Pastor, I just wanna pray. We are all hungry, amen?

No jokes, I promise.

Oh, okay.

Let go of my hand at least, Pastor.

- Okay, all right. - Good God.

- All right.

- Always come prepared.

Father God, thank you,

thank you for blessing us with this food

that was so lovingly made, God, because I love

my wife!

Hey-hey, that's a Borat impression! Yeah.

Oh, you know it? That's good.

Okay, cool, 'cause I do impressions now.

So I'm just... Here's Meghan Markle.

Hello, I'm Meghan Markle.

'Cause she British now.

Hey, who else has an impression?

Just yell one out. - Diana Ross.

- Barack Obama. I got you.

Uh, Michelle, uh, Malia.

Uh... - You ain't slick.

- Did you ever notice how Deacon Jones

look like Garrett Morgan? - You ain't slick!

You talking about you don't do stand-up comedy,

you come on up in here doing impression.

Everybody turn to your neighbor and say,

"Keep your day job."

all: Keep your day job.

- I've been Keisha. Good night.

- You know what? This ain't even Sunday.

I don't need this. Shoot.

Y'all go ahead. Go on, eat your food.

- Uh-uh. - Excuse me, please.

- Uh-uh, uh-uh. - Come on, now.

Come on, now.

Pastor, if you could just find it in...

If you could just find it in your heart.

Praise God, praise...

- Keisha, your microphone. - Lord, just listen.

We stand here before you in need of...

- Mm-hmm. - Uh, uh...

- Fellowship. - Yes.

Fellowship.

- So if you are a woman...

Who likes to speak in tongues

with fellow church members

and they husbands...

- Please send us a... a heavenly woman that...

- Yes, yes.

- That doesn't have to be the first or the second.

A curvy third, Father.

- Praise the Lord. - Oh, you know.

- Why has my flock forsaken me?

I don't wanna hear about your bedroom business.

I don't wanna hear about their non-singing business.

I don't wanna hear about their comedy business.

I just wanna hear your business, God.

- Yes, sir.

- Hey. - Hey, Pastor.

Hey, man. Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

Lord, it is I, your humble servant,

Pastor Venmo Stacks.

Lord, please bless these people and their modest church potluck

for if they knew better, they'd do better,

like we do down at

Nothing But Increase Mega Ministries,

right down the street.

You see, saints,

you can't make a spiritual withdrawal

without a heavenly deposit.

- Amen, amen.

- Into our app. Amen?

Amen.

Where you can reserve VIP seatin'

and you can book you a private praise day.

Yes, Lord.

And ladies free before 10:00 a.m.

- Oh! Okay. - Oh, amen.

- Now, look here, Stacks! You leave my flock alone.

You're coming up in here dressed like

a bootleg Steve Harvey.

Go on and get up out of here!

My members ain't trying to finance

your second private jet. - Amen.

Nothing But Increase!

- Not the short ribs. - Right down the street!

- Oh, so he gets to eat?

- Well, y'all could eat if you'd have blessed

the damn food!

- Damn? Cursing like that!

- Oh, that... - That... you know what?

This is not what I signed up for at all.

- He took the short ribs.

- Sailor talk. - Whoo.

- Two drink minimum on your mouth.

- Keisha, you want the mic now? - No, I don't want it at all.

- Where y'all going?

- We taking our pie elsewhere. - Go away, Mac Nasty.

- What... - Come on, baby.

- Well, he pushed my button, though.

Well, fine. I'll eat by myself.

Oh, contagious.

- Don't do that. Uh-uh.

Come on, don't do that.

Man, y'all know yawning turns me on.

- I hate when I accidentally turn people on.

I was just wearing a Bluetooth once,

and this man tripped over the curb trying to stare at me.

- What else did you have on? - Booty shorts.

- Okay.

Anyway, I'm unconcerned because none of y'all do it for me.

I have a very specific turn-on,

but I feel like if I tell you guys,

you'll use it against me. - Pfft.

- You know who's got some weird turn-ons?

Quinta. - Quinta.

We thinkin' the same thing. - I just...

really don't want anyone to know

what my turn-on is, so, like,

don't ask, you guys.

- We should ask her what hers are.

Quinta. - Vocal fry.

It's vocal fry.

- Quinta, we wanna know what your turn-ons are.

- Ooh.

Whoa, whoa.

- What you... okay, Quinta. - Okay.

- Stop... you have to stop. - Hey, hey, hey.

- This is enough.

- ♪ Look, I'm a D-Boy, tell you what the meaning is ♪

- Sir, are you willing and able to assist

in the case of an emergency?

Sir? - Babe.

- Huh? - The lady.

- Are you willing and able to assist in the event

of an emergency? I just need a verbal yes.

- Oh, yup.

- Sorry, I need a verbal yes.

- Bet. - Yes.

- Babe, just say "yes." - No doubt.

- Okay, um, what about you, ma'am?

Are you willing and able to assist

in the event of an emergency?

Babe, listen to this.

Hold on.

- Nigga, bop, bop, bop! - Miss?

- 'Cause we never, never stop!

It's good, right? - Yeah, it is.

- It's good. - Yes.

- It's good. I wrote that in eighth grade.

- I know. I remember. I was there.

- Are you willing and able to assist in the event

of an emergency? - What emergency?

- A hypothetical one.

- Okay, because we don't have time for an emergency

because we are on our way to our honeymoon.

Yes, yes. - Oh, well, congratulations.

And we will take off just as soon as you confirm

that you are willing and able to assist.

- Okay, like, I'm currently able,

but what if I become unable over the course of the flight?

Because anything could happen. You don't know.

- Okay, well, you two don't have to sit here.

- Ooh, rude. Wow.

The rude jumped out of you, didn't it?

Okay, let me ask you this.

Do we get to exit first and do I get to take

my homegirl with me? - Mm-hmm.

- Sir, are you ready to provide a verbal yes?

- I mean, I feel like I said that.

- Yeah. - You know it.

- Okay, so what do you say? - Yerp.

- Yes. - Yant.

- Yes. - Yeah, man.

- Yes.

- Yodel. - Yes.

Yaaa-mmm...

That was just a sound. - Yeah.

- Yes. - Ye... t.

- Does this even work?

- Oh, ma'am, could you please not do that?

- 'Cause you over here talking about...

- Ma'am, can you not do that?

- Uh, excuse me.

Let me ask you one more thing.

How much does this job pay?

- Well, it's not a job. It's volunteer.

- Do I get free pretzels? - That's a good question, babe.

- Do I get a blanket? - Right.

- 'Cause y'all don't wanna give out blankets no more

and it's crazy. - What about pretzel blankets?

You know, we got married.

The statistics of black men getting married aren't good.

- It's real low so you really need to just treat him

with some respect because we have been

very above the eyes. - Thank you, babe. Thank you.

That's right.

- I will relocate both of you to middle seats in the back

of the plane unless I get a verbal yes.

- Oh! - Yeah, yeah-ee!

Got it.

- And you ain't gonna move nobody.

- Sorry, excuse me. - Ooh, yes.

- You know what? I'll take it.

Yep, sir, get on up.

I'm moving you to the seats in the back.

- Like, I was just playing. It's fine.

Go to the back. I'll see you when we get there.

I'll see you when we get there. - All right.

- All right. - I love you.

- Stop playing. We're on a plane.

Stop. We're on a plane.

Stop.

- Sir, hi... sir, hi.

Would you like an exit row seat?

Lots of leg room.

- Yeah, sure.

- Mmm, come on up.

- That's my boo, you know? Yeah, yeah.

- Do you agree to assist in the event of an emergency?

- Uh, yes.

I do.

- Look at God. You be known, Jesus.

Okay.

- How you doing? - Good.

- Oh, now you... now you done asking questions, Lachel?

Now that there's a fake Tyson Beckford-looking

Chadwick Blowsman nigga up there with you?

- Yeah. - Huh?

- Baby, please, could you stop? - Speak up!

- Because this is a very nice airline.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- And I don't wanna get kicked off

so if you could stop yelling, that'd be nice.

- Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.

Let me ask you this. This nigga wear cammo like me?

This nigga got a beard like me? Oh, he does?

All right, I'm gonna sit down.

I got another question. Listen.

If two trains leave Pittsburg at 6:00,

right? - Yeah.

- One's carrying apples and one's carrying oranges,

when this nigga gonna get out my seat?

Both: I am smart, I am tough.

I will always be enough.

- Oh!

I am smart, I am tough, I will always be enough.

Oh! Hah!

All right, here we go.

I am smart, I... Michaela, what's wrong?

- Nothing, Ms. Miller.

- But this is your favorite time of the day.

Handshake time.

Huh.

Okay, girls.

What's going on?

- Handshake time is not our favorite time.

- We don't like doing the handshakes.

- Well, we don't have to do the handshakes

if you don't like them.

Why didn't somebody just tell me?

- Because you like them so much.

You're so sad.

- Um, mmm, where... where did you get that idea?

- From you being sad.

- When you returned our quizzes,

they were all wrinkly.

- You cried on them.

- Well, it, uh, rained last week, you know?

Maybe they just got a little wet.

- It didn't rain. I remember last week.

Just because I'm ten doesn't mean

I don't remember last week.

- Well, it rained in my neighborhood.

So, come on, guys.

Let's do some math. - What page, Ms. Miller-Hicks?

Oops.

You used to write Ms. Miller-Hicks on the board.

But then one day you just wrote Ms. Miller.

- Sometimes grown-ups,

they grow in different directions and...

- What's that burn on your forehead?

- What's with all the questions, Daisy?

- You're doing your own hair.

You can't afford the salon anymore.

- Okay, that is enough.

Everybody, your heads down.

Heads down.

- Ms. Miller? - What, Michaela?

- You're not shiny anymore.

- What... what do you mean?

- You don't put the gold stuff on top of your cheeks anymore.

We liked it.

- Aww.

I'm sorry.

I don't wear highlighter anymore.

What is in my life to highlight?

Oh, my gosh, yeah, Mr. Hicks,

he cheated on me with an Applebee's waitress.

Yeah, and after weeks of coming home smelling like riblets

in the Apple-bitch, he left me.

And now I can't eat "good in the neighborhood."

But I really appreciate that you guys care.

I really do.

And I'm sorry I haven't been a better teacher.

But you're right. I'm...

I'm s... I'm really, really sad.

♪ ♪

- I am smart.

I am tough.

I will...

both: Always be enough.

- ♪ I'm so tired of crying these endless tears ♪

♪ I feel so low ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

- California Lottery. When you really need a win.

- ♪ I'm better off on my own, don't you know ♪

- What?

- Quinta, you have a serious problem.

An Iyanla "Fix My Life" season three

before she shaved the side of her head kind of problem.

- You are out of control.

Your selfishness is affecting all of us.

- You've hurt the people in this house with your actions

and you've broken our trust.

- Look, we don't mean to be harsh.

- I do. - But we're just worried.

- I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize me doing drugs was stressing y'all like this.

- Oh, we don't give a shit about the drugs.

- No.

- We want you to stop eating the goddamn snacks.

Right.

No.

Well, I didn't eat everything.

I still left that weird ice cream in the freezer.

- Oh, that's not ice cream. That's my emergency sperm.

- Oh, great. Now there's no ice cream.

What's good, Insta-fam?

I'm here in my hometown, Kemp, Alabama.

Today, my high school's honoring

my 10th grade English teacher

Mrs. Garrett, so I flew first class

on a Buddy Pass all the way from Miami, Indiana

to surprise her.

She hasn't seen me in 20 years so this is gonna be

a real treat for her. Okay, let's go.

- And that is why this year the Black Alumni Association's

Excellence in Teaching award goes to Mrs. Denise Garrett.

Yeah!

- Thank you! Yes!

The Jackie Woodson is in the building!

Ooh, everybody wave to the Jackie Hive.

Oh, I know.

It's a shock to see me... A woman who pays

for both Spotify and TIDAL... Here with the rest of you.

But I couldn't pass up a chance to thank the teacher

who gave me my voice.

Yes!

- Sorry, uh, who are you, sweetie?

- You really don't remember me?

Uh, my first day in your class,

you taught me the word "insufferable."

You loved my laugh.

- Stop, baby. You're embarrassing...

- You? Why would I embarrass you?

- No, you're embarrassing.

That was the end of my sentence.

- Oh, Principal Dixon, you must remember me.

Mm, I'm the one who called in that bomb threat one time

when my braid fell out during gym.

- Uh, I'm sorry, Jacket.

You're not ringing any, uh, bells.

Are you sure you're in the right town, sugar?

This is Kemp, as in Shawn.

- Yeah.

Okay, I smelled it coming down the highway.

I know where the fuck I am.

If this wasn't my hometown,

why would my parents be sitting right there?

Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!

- Is she talking to us?

- Yes! Dennis, Maria, can you hear me?

You all know me!

I am your well-connected daughter who met the Obamas...

Dog. Well, actually, just Sunny.

Bo was busy that day.

And I'm your former student who's a proud member

of MENSA applicants!

And your former neighbor who is the recipient

of an NAACP Image Award rejection letter!

Ever heard of it?

Stop fucking around

and admit it!

So I guess you guys just don't want me here.

You guys are all my ex-boyfriends.

You'd like me to leave.

But, like, for real, you guys, like,

if I leave right now, I am never coming back.

But, like, forever.

D... did you guys hear me? I said I was never coming back.

Seriously?

- We did it!

Thank God!

- Were we too hard on her?

- She's an anti-vaxxer.

- Oh, right. Fuck that bitch.

- Mm!

♪ ♪

- Yodel... - Yes.

- Lay-hee... - Yes.

- Hoo. - Yes.

Yara Shahidi.

I'm gonna start yelling.

Lachel! Lachel!

- I would love for you guys to support my Soundcloud,

ButterflyFlapsHoodyHoo.

- Where you can reserve...

R-S-P-C-T. What... what is the line?

Where you can res... should I go from the top of that?

- Now wait a minute, Reverend. - I can't sp...

I can't spell VIP. That's...

- Okay, this... this one is Cardi B

as a car that won't start.

Okurr-

Okurr-Okurr...

Just call them out!

- Here's Cardi B in Jamaica. - Hey, man, okurr...

Hey, hey!

Hey, watch this. This is... this is, um...

This one is, uh... This one's, uh... uh... uh...

- You lost your place.

- I've been Keisha. Thank you.

- So I guess none of you people with bad skin

wanna fucking hang out with me.

All right, cool.

'Cause I have something that you don't have.

Likes and followers!

- All right, I'm gonna sit down.

But I'm gonna sit here.

'Cause I don't want to be in the back.

Can we have two sweet teas with extra ice?

I only got warm sweet tea.

But you have ice, right?

Only for the iced tea.

♪ I want it, I get it I got it my way ♪

Twenty years and I have never seen melanin this poppin'!

Cicily Tyson would be very proud.

- Thank you, Your Honor. - Why would she be proud of that?

♪ I do it big That's how I live ♪

♪ I'm talking cars I'm talking cribs ♪

Wow!

These are the moments I live for.

♪ I do it, I do it I do it ♪

You've been sitting here playing games

like this is Girl's Trip 2, and not the end of the world.

Oh, my God. I just realized we'll never see Girl's Trip 2.

♪