Original subtitles

The planet Earth has Venus and Mars as neighbors.

Every 7, 850,000 years and 130 days,

they align.

This is the day.

Stop it...

I have to sleep!

Claudio, eat some fruit. Black coffee is poison!

You'll end up with a hole in your stomach.

My cousin's neighbor's uncle always had black coffee and...

And left home because his wife complained about his coffee!

-Have some respect, Mr. Claudio! -You should respect me.

In two days, I'll be turning fifty.

-Can I invite the gang? -What gang?

-The gang. -I can't explain.

You'll see them with your own eyes.

-She's going to be late. -Do I have to wear my uniform?

Yes, but you won't have any trouble.

The caterers will be here at 10 a.m.

-And they'll set up. -They'll only get in the way.

I hate having people in my kitchen.

-Let's go, Bia. -And I look awful in my uniform!

Don't be silly, Cida. You look elegant.

Right.

Helena!

Be ready by 8 p.m. Today. I don't want to be late this year.

Can I invite the gang?

Cida, take out Claudio's gray suit, the new one,

and iron his fancy shirt. Take out my blue dress, too.

No, not the blue one.

I wore it to Marcos' dinner. Never mind.

Get Claudio's outfit ready. I'll think of something.

-I have nothing to wear. -I'm not wearing the bonnet.

Dad, are you going to get an award this year?

-Lf I do, it's all yours! -"Lf" you do...

Of course you'll get one.

-Have a good day. -Have a good day.

Bia, your dad mentioned sending you to school in Europe again.

Are you talking to me?

Your dad asked me to talk to you

about going to school in Europe.

What a drag, mom!

You don't appreciate what you've got.

Not everyone can go to school abroad, you know.

That's precisely why I don't want to go.

-I appreciate what I've got. -Oh, yeah?

What do you appreciate? The gang?

Cau�.

You know when you can feel you've found the right man?

For God's sake! You're only fourteen.

-The right man for what? -The right man.

The opposite of wrong, that's all.

You're so paranoid...

-How about a kiss good-bye? -What a drag!

-Hi, mother. -Hello, darling!

Good morning. I was wondering about you.

-I miss you! -You hadn't called by 8 a.m.

-Where are you? -In front of Bia's school.

Exactly between the 5th and 6th lamp posts.

I have to go, mother. Love you. Bye.

Hello!

-Good morning, Carol! -Good morning.

Let's get to work!

Good morning! Mauricio, it's no use:

You either have to move or switch teams.

And you, always on the phone...

Flavinha, cut it out! Don't come in those outfits.

You'll give me a heart attack before I turn 50.

Let's make money. Keep it up.

S�rgio! Did you drink last night?

Of course you did!

-Good morning, Claudio. -Good morning, Cibele.

Your horoscope says you're going to have a special day,

because of the position the planets are in...

Save it for the clients, Cibele. I'm not into astrology.

-How's my girl today? -Save it for the clients.

Listen to her! Okay.

How did the art turn out?

I made one in blue, like you said,

and another one in yellow, for added impact.

Yellow reminds me of soup. Forget it.

I have to have a word with you.

Already stressed out, early in the morning?

What's the problem?

Did Barbara hide your video game?

Always the smart aleck.

Relax, Marcos, I'm joking!

We'll talk in a while. I have to check on my ads.

Hi, Mr. Gilberto. Has your grandson been born?

Not yet, but thanks for asking.

Don't mention it. Have a good one.

Good morning, Father Henrique.

How might I have a good morning,

if the chorus is singing next Friday,

and the piece isn't ready?

The problem is the piece, Father.

It's beautiful, but it's a little stiff.

The children worry, they're uncomfortable.

But it's the Ninth, Helena! It's Beethoven.

What else would they sing? A rap song?

It's appealing, elegant, and economical, folks.

Straight to the point. What do you think?

I have mixed feelings about the background.

It seems a little dark.

I wanted something sunnier, brighter.

-We have an alternative... -It's okay, Marcia. Thank you.

Here's the thing: The dark background you observed

is there for a reason. What do I need, Arnaldo?

I need the product to stand out.

I can't put in seagulls, cars, people, and so on...

I need the entire product, standing out.

Isn't it a stroke of genius?

What? Oh, of course. It's perfect.

-Bull's-eye! -Bull's-eye!

Seal the deal!

Carol practiced all weekend. She's really improved.

Well, I think Gabi is perfect for the solo.

I thought "solo" meant one person only.

Exactly, Regina. Gabi.

Go on, honey. Sing a nice F# for Helena.

That's because you haven't heard Carol's solo.

-Excuse me a minute. -So who's getting the solo?

Excuse me for just a minute. Hello.

Hi, mom.

I'm at the school.

Between an E flat and an F sharp.

Speaking of lingerie, maybe we could...

Could we have that talk now?

Good news, boy. We scored another account.

-A small account. -A good account,

the kind that brings in awards and prestige.

-Large accounts bring in money. -Junior, my boy, relax!

When we get that lingerie account...

Forget "when we get that lingerie account".

Things look gloomy. Really gloomy.

-What did you mean by that? -Just what I said.

Your father and I kept this agency going for years...

The world was different, and so was the economy!

We get an account here and there,

-and we hang in there. -Sounds good in samba lyrics.

Listen here: Between a samba and a heart attack,

I'll take the samba.

Very romantic! Too bad this is the age of efficiency.

Just because you have a degree in Marketing...

What do you know about efficiency?

I'll tell you what I know.

Efficiency, to me, means results.

You get results with talent and passion,

and there's no diploma for that!

With feeling, girls.

-Heroic, imposing... -Go, honey!

Put more feeling into it!

Carol, think of your grandfather's death!

Excuse me. Thank you.

If that secretary of yours isn't perfect,

-she's on the right track. -Cibele? She's great.

You've worked overtime with her, haven't you?

What do you mean? I'm a married man!

But a hot blonde like her... Go ahead, tell us.

Here's the scoop: She was suspicious of her husband.

She thought he was having an affair.

-And she just... -Excuse me. Enjoy.

-Thank you. -What's up, Marcos?

Go on, Claudio.

-What? -The story.

Oh, the story...

I feel like I don't exist.

It's as if I didn't have a will of my own,

as if I was only there to balance the tension

between Claudio and Bia,

between my mother and Claudio,

between the chorus and home...

I feel like, if I wasn't always there

to keep things running, it would all fall apart.

Why don't you let it fall apart?

Lt'll fall apart on top of me.

You can't take care of yourself and everything else, too.

You have to fight for your space,

and you have to be aggressive about it.

You have to work on your masculine side,

so that when Claudio works on his feminine side,

you can reach a conjugal balance.

Do you understand?

I think I'm tired of balancing.

That's the problem.

How was lunch?

Didn't you get indigestion?

No. Lunch was great.

You may not have noticed, but I was having lunch

-with the guys from S�o Paulo... -I know who they were.

Then you must also know that they can offer

a reasonable sum for the agency.

-And they did. -And you said it isn't for sale.

It's much more advantageous to be their local branch

than to go on as a creative but broke Rio de Janeiro agency.

I don't want to be their employee.

Either we do that or we close down.

What about the awards we're bringing home today?

The awards will make for a better sale.

You can't do that to our story.

Our story's beautiful. The problem is our math.

Women were made to shop, not to be in therapy.

Unless you're married to Claudio.

Even I would go crazy.

Oh, mother...

What you just said is typical male chauvinism.

I'm just defending a woman's right to shop.

Look at this one!

Honey, look at this red dress!

-It's beautiful! -Wow, it really is!

It must be a fortune, though.

Don't tell me you feel bad about using the only thing

Claudio has to offer, which is his money.

You know the way you always do my hair?

-Hello, darling! -Hi!

Have you noticed we only meet

at our husbands' events?

You'll be there on Wednesday, right?

-Absolutely. -Two parties in one week!

-On this side, please. -Don't part it.

I told Marcos I didn't want to go away for the holiday,

so as not to miss your party.

That's sweet. Claudio will be thrilled.

This birthday party will be a good opportunity...

Ouch! For me to wear my new bikini.

What do you think of chocolate?

I love chocolate.

Too bad it's so fattening.

I mean for my hair, Helena.

You look beautiful. Truly beautiful.

-Is everything okay? -Everything is great!

I have a beautiful wife, a beautiful daughter,

I love my job, I can show you off

and bring home all the awards I win.

Could I be any happier?

Let's go.

-What's the matter? -Come on.

We can't just leave. Let's go back.

-Of course we can. Let's go. -What's going on?

I've never seen you so upset over losing some awards!

Not just awards. I lost an agency.

-What do you mean? -Never mind.

Now you have to tell me.

Never mind.

Marcos wants to sell the agency.

So what? He can't do that.

He can. He owns over half the shares.

So you had all these problems, and you didn't tell me?

You would have been worried. What could you have done?

A lot of things, Claudio.

I could have spent less, we didn't have to go to Aspen...

That would have made all the difference in the world!

Aspen...

I'll work this out, like I always do.

Like you always do, without remembering

that I exist to help you.

And how would you have helped?

By going to the beauty parlor? Shopping at the mall?

Conducting a children's chorus?

Forget it. I didn't mean that.

But you said it.

Let's leave it at this.

Jesus...

I have better things to do than taking this from you.

Do you think it's easy to take care of a house, a family?

Do you think it's easy to support a house, a family,

a shared agency?

At least you have Cibele to help you.

-Don't start on Cibele now! -"But Cibele is beautiful,"

"Cibele is sensational, Cibele is indispensable."

I'm not going to spend all night fighting again

because of your silly jealousy. I have to work tomorrow.

-"Silly"? -Don't give me that.

Everything that has to do with me is silly.

Only you and your work matter.

I'm just a silly woman.

Stop pitying yourself. You sound like your mother.

Oh, yes. Cibele's mother must be wonderful.

-What is it, mom? -Oh, darling...

I can't talk. I'm in the middle of an argument,

right between two mothers.

You can finish this argument yourself. I'm going to bed.

You don't want to face our problems,

just like you don't have the guts to take on Marcos

-and fight for the agency. -I'm rude and cowardly.

Anything else?

Let's leave it at this.

No! You're going to finish.

Or do you want me to sign a "loser" declaration?

I'm the loser, with my empty life,

my beauty parlor, gym, mall, and children's chorus.

Isn't that what you think?

Therapy is making you crazy and pitting you against me.

Oh, so I'm crazy, good for nothing,

and I pity myself. Anything else?

Let's leave it at this.

I don't know why you didn't leave me during our 1995 crisis.

Since we're testing our memories,

why didn't you leave me when Bia was born

and all you cared about was her?

-You wouldn't even look at me! -You've never been a mother.

I'd like to see you in my place.

I'd like to see you in my place.

-All you think of is you. -All you think of is you.

-That's the problem. -That's the problem.

-Lf I were you... -lf I were you...

-What? -What?

-Again? -Again?

They say something happens

when two people say something at the same time.

Is it good luck or bad luck?

Beats me.

-I hope it's good luck. -I hope it's good luck.

-I hope so. -I hope so.

-Good night. -Good night.

What's going on?

What kind of a joke is this?

I'm crazy...

Claudio... Claudio!

Claudio...

-Claudio! ! ! -What is it, Helena?

What the...

Go on in.

What the hell?

Look at this!

Jesus!

-Hold on, hold on. -No, no.

-Keep away! -Stay calm. Stay calm!

I don't want this!

I don't understand this. Look.

-What's going on? -Hold on.

-No! -Helena!

-Claudio! Hold on. -Keep away!

-Stay calm, Helena. -I can't.

Keep away. Shoo!

-Shoo! Keep away! -Let's talk about this.

-Shoo! -This isn't happening.

Honey... Helena...

Sweetie...

Helena, wake up.

Wake up.

-What? Where? -Thank God.

I thought I was dead.

Jesus Christ... What's going on?

Claudio, what's going on?

You said "l".

Who did you mean?

I don't know anymore.

-This must be a dream. -Whose dream? Yours or mine?

I... It's a dream.

My God, we're being punished.

What have we done to deserve this?

Hey! What have we done? Tell us!

-This is an illusion. -It can't be true.

This isn't happening.

We think it is, but it isn't. Get it?

Daddy, did something happen to you?

-To me? -No, mom, to dad.

To... Dad? To dad.

No, honey, everything is fine with mommy and daddy.

Mom and dad are fine. Go get changed.

I was listening to Blink really loud,

and I thought I heard you scream.

No, no one screamed.

Daddy, mommy, daddy... Everything's fine.

Go get changed, okay?

Go on.

Go listen to Blink.

She called me "mom"!

That is not an illusion.

-So what are we going to do? -I... We have to get help.

-What kind of help? -I don't know!

A lawyer, a doctor, the police...

My shrink, I don't know! Mother!

No! The shrink.

Dr. Nestor, I'm sorry to bother you.

-This is Helena... -He won't be able to help.

This is Claudio, Helena's husband.

I have to go to work!

Anyway, we really need to talk to you, dr. Nestor.

Please, it's urgent.

I can't pick women's clothes. What am I going to do?

Why so many shoes? You've only got two feet.

You need something that's...

Yes, ton sur ton. Perfect. Take a look.

Don't forget to put on a discreet shade of lipstick.

Call me in to help you.

Lipstick... That's a good one.

Go on.

-Jesus Christ... -Hold on!

-Go down normally. -Normally? Are you crazy?

You just have to stand properly.

-Claudio... -Be quiet, Helena!

-Hold this for me. -So much stuff...

-Like this. Go down normally. -Relax, I'm going.

-Walk properly, Claudio. -In these heels?

Just do what I do. Pay attention. Normally.

Just normal posture. Step down firmly.

What are you laughing at?

I look ridiculous walking like that!

Don't do this. Please cooperate.

-Good morning, Cida. -Good morning.

Bia, hurry up or you'll be late for school.

Black coffee, Mrs. Helena?

Helena isn't herself today, Cida.

-Give me some papaya. -Yes, please.

You guys are funny today.

-Mom's reading the paper. -Oh, my paper.

Could you hand it to me?

-Dad, did you win my award? -No.

No, your father...

I promise I'll win one for you next year, okay?

Jesus Christ, this is awful!

Hold on, honey.

Have you spoken to dad?

-What about? -About sending me to Europe.

You don't want to go to Europe?

Bia, mommy spoke to daddy yesterday,

and I said I'd think about it, right?

-You did? -I did.

-Dad, I have to talk to you. -Great. Let's go outside.

I need to talk to you about something, too.

Mrs. Helena... The uniform is worse than I thought.

So what?

-What should I wear? -Wear whatever you like.

Your mom told me you have a new boyfriend.

But we're having a very complicated day today, okay?

You really don't want to kill me?

What a crazy idea, Bia!

I have the best dad, and I didn't know it!

Okay.

You're just like Ozzy Osbourne, only you don't play rock.

Ozzy Osbourne... Maybe someday.

Helena, what were you talking about?

Just girl talk.

She's going to think her father's gay!

Where are you going?

I'm going to miss 1 st period, mom.

No, honey. Today we're going in your f...

-We're going in my car, honey. -And you're letting mom drive?

Yeah.

I think it's time your father stopped being selfish

and let your mother be a part of his life... of my life.

Okay.

Come on, honey.

Which way do I go?

Did you forget the way?

You know, honey, mommy has a lot on her mind:

The beauty parlor, the gym,

the mall, grocery shopping...

Take the beach. It's better.

I can't be late for work.

After all, it's my only reason for living.

I understand.

After all, if you didn't work so hard,

we wouldn't have the great life that we have, right?

Don't mention it.

But I would never have made it this far

without you to support and take care of me

all this time, right?

-Is everything all right? -Yes.

Is this a practical joke?

Bye, honey.

Bye, sweetheart. Have a good day.

Who's that guy talking to Bia?

Drive over me!

For God's sake, don't pick a fight in traffic.

I don't want to get punched in the face.

Relax. What's the problem?

Relax!

-You're making me nervous. -How do you think I feel?

Don't do that. Don't do that!

Get that car out of the way!

Let me try to explain.

In certain marriages,

couples develop this kind of disorder.

It's a complicated process of finding one's own identity.

There comes a moment when things get so mixed up

and so complex that we can't tell who's who, what's what,

or who thinks what.

Have I made myself clear?

Yes, you have, but I don't think you understand.

I'm really Helena. Do you understand?

I think our time is up for today.

We have to delve more deeply into this matter.

We'll need to meet every day, with one particular detail.

-Yes? -I need to see both of you.

Both of us?

Honey... Both of us.

Imagine what your mom will say when she realizes her daughter

has become an unrefined guy like me!

By the way, you should be careful how you walk.

You have to behave properly.

You look really strange when you walk.

I've never walked in heels before.

It's easy. Just stand up straight and try to balance yourself.

-Find your center. -My center?

-You'll be fine. It's simple. -Okay. I'll try to remember.

And you try not to move your hips when you walk.

-As if... -And tighten your wrist.

-Holy cow! -What's wrong?

Something's bothering me "down there". So unpleasant!

-What are you doing? -Be quiet!

-For God's sake... -Hold still.

No, don't...

-There's the car. The guy... -Hold still.

Feels better.

Hand me my cell phone, Helena.

-My cell phone. -Here.

-Here's what we'll do... -Watch the road.

-Be quiet, Helena. -Pay attention.

-Now talk to Cibele. -What?

Cancel all my appointments.

-I have to do that? -Of course.

Hello. Cibele? It's Hel...

Just a moment. Get it for me.

-Hi, Cibele, is Marcos there? -Hi, Vivinha.

I'm sorry, mom. I don't know why I called you Vivinha.

I can't really talk now. I'm driving.

Marcos, it's Claudio. Something came up,

-and I can't make it in. -Hold on, mother.

-Talk to her. -He's nervous!

-Let me talk to him. -He's pissed off.

-Hello. -Hi, Marcos, it's Helena.

No, your daughter's fine.

-I just have to... -He had a...

-No... Jesus! -What?

-I have to go now, mother. -Hold on. Okay.

-I mean Vivinha. -I'm coming. I'll drop him off.

-We'll talk later. -We'll be there. See you soon.

Are you crazy? You said you'd be there.

Helena, the lingerie client just got there.

She's waiting for me, or rather, for you.

Not in this lifetime.

Helena, losing this campaign is not an option.

Only if you go to the chorus rehearsal.

See what you make me do?

-Did you understand everything? -Yeah.

Make the kids rehearse the piece several times.

With feeling, okay. Go on!

-All right, I'm going. -She's already here.

I know. Relax.

Hello.

Jesus Christ...

For the last time: Be careful with those two.

-They're crazy. -I'm used to crazy.

Go on.

-Go on, Helena. -I'm going.

Walk like a man!

-Relax. -C'mon!

Relax.

Claudio, don't make me nervous.

What happened? She's been waiting for almost an hour.

Marcos called your house. What happened?

The queen's been here for more than half an hour.

Let's go, for God's sake!

You've never left a client waiting.

-Let's go. -This is unacceptable.

-Take it easy, guys. -Let's go.

Relax.

Hello.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Traffic was terrible.

Claudio, here's Tereza.

Oh, Jesus... I'm so sorry.

Things are hectic. How are you?

With all this running around, we end up... Don't mind me.

I don't mind waiting, as long as the material is worth it.

And it had better be worth it.

-Shall we start? -The sooner, the better.

I have an appointment at one of our branches.

You'll be there in time. Traffic isn't that bad.

It's in Paris.

Beautiful city.

You should see it in Fall.

Hello, Father.

-Your blessing. -God bless you.

This is hard.

The campaign is very appropriate,

because it's based on the concept of...

On the erotic appeal, or rather...

Jesus Christ!

On banalizing

women's way of thinking. I mean, actually...

Apparently, women like to get beat up.

Nelson Rodrigues! Merely a quote.

I'd like to point out another aspect of the campaign,

which is...

the impact it will have,

the shock, the scandal it will cause,

and we know nothing sells like a good scandal, right?

Sell the chares.

Hey there! Good morning, miss.

Hi, cuties.

How's it going? Did you dream of Tom Cruise?

Everything's great. How's it hangin', my boy?

Hello. Good morning.

Have you decided who's getting the solo?

Regina and Mar�lia, of course.

-What? -Never mind.

Let's get this ball rolling. Follow the yellow brick road!

Okay. Since I was so lucky as to meet two great moms,

why don't you help me get to my classroom?

You don't know where the classroom is?

Of course I do, but I went out with my husband last night.

When I drink a little extra, my memory gets a little worse.

Here we are.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Provocative, isn't it?

Very sexy.

Excellent.

I'd like to hear Claudio's opinion.

-Mine? -Yes, yours.

You came up with the campaign. I'd like your opinion.

Well, it...

It's interesting, because it shows women as...

Women are sort of...

Vulgar. That's it.

I think that does it.

Claudio is playing the devil's advocate today.

This campaign is very important to him.

Exactly. He worked on this concept for weeks.

On what concept? "Vulgar"?

Tereza... Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Tereza, wait!

Are you going to waste more of my time?

Men. Men...

They... We have this habit of thinking we know women.

But it isn't easy to understand how women feel

without feeling what women feel.

That's the first thing you say that makes any sense today.

That's because, I assure you, I understand

what goes on in a woman's mind.

Tereza, let me have another chance.

Okay.

You have until Friday to show me a new ad campaign.

Friday?

Friday... That's the day my...

My wife's chorus is performing.

Okay, girls.

So...

Follow me. One, two, three, go!

Hold on, people.

Hold on!

Miss, you forgot to give the pitch.

You're doing this on purpose right?

You want to sink the agency and ruin the sale.

Putting off a campaign like this one because

of your wife's little chorus! You must be kidding.

Her "little chorus" is much more important to me

than the agency must be to you.

At least I didn't put it up for sale.

Well, if you can get this campaign by Friday,

I won't sell the agency.

Good enough?

Claudio, if you allow me, I'm not going to pass you

any calls or let anyone in here.

I think you need to relax a little.

And how do I relax?

Well, first I'm going to put on your favorite song.

Cibele, could you please leave me alone

for just a little while

so I can think of what my favorite song is?

Then I'll get you that tea you love.

-Hello. -Claudio, help me out here.

If I jump out the window, who dies? Me or you?

This way, please.

So how was it with Tereza? What did she think?

Good afternoon, Mr. Claudio, Mrs. Helena.

Good afternoon.

What did she think of the campaign?

-The same drinks as usual? -Same as usual.

First you have to explain how you pee with this thing

-before I wet myself. -It's simple.

Aim carefully so you don't wet the bathroom,

then shake a little. That's all.

-I don't have good aim. -Go on.

I really have to go.

I'm sorry.

I really have to pee...

How does this work?

Okay.

I can't hold it in.

I really have to go!

It really is much more practical

to pee standing up.

Just aim.

Just aim.

I knew you guys didn't wash your hands.

Pig. I knew it.

Truly amazing.

-Did you pee on my linen pants? -Lower your voice!

I didn't quite get the shaking thing.

Just tell me what Tereza thought of the campaign.

Good thing we switched bodies, because I think you'd kill me.

An iced tea, Mrs. Helena. Your scotch, Mr. Claudio.

-Thank you. -Excuse me.

Thank you, Paulo.

Go ahead. I'm ready.

That campaign was vulgar, Claudio.

-Is that what Tereza told you? -No. That's what I told her.

She hated it, too.

What? Do you mean to tell me you ruined the whole deal?

But she gave me until Friday to come up with a new campaign.

I gained her trust.

You're going to come up with a new campaign?

No, silly. You're going to come up with a new campaign.

You're going to get the account.

Then Marcos won't sell the agency anymore.

I think the outcome was quite positive,

-wasn't it? -Yes, it was.

How can I do that and rehearse with the chorus?

How did it go? Was anyone suspicious?

No one. I behaved like a lady.

What about the kids? Did they sing well?

They sucked.

Don't talk that way about my students.

And don't drink so much. You'll bust my liver.

You bust my campaign, and I have to go dry?

Don't be rude.

This can't go on. We have to switch back.

Only if they've invented a body transplant.

Let's ask my doctor.

Didn't we agree not to tell anybody else?

But I trust her. We went to school together.

Didn't Helena come with you?

Claudio's parking the car.

-Who? -Claudio.

I'm Helena.

I wouldn't come to you with something this serious

if we hadn't been friends for more than 30 years.

This is psychological, Claudio.

It doesn't happen. There isn't a case in history.

If it doesn't happen, how come I know

you were in love with Dudu in the third grade?

Why did Helena tell you that story?

Like I remember the night you decided to have sex

with Rog�rio for the first time.

And I'll never forget that party

where you had nine rum and cokes, remember?

You decided you liked girls and kissed Rog�rio's sister

in the bathroom.

I'm going to kill Helena.

How can I explain?

Cris!

I Know I'm hot and sexy

and I Know you see me and want me

I'm a beast with sexy sKin

be careful, boy, I'm dangerous

there's sweet poison in my mouth

there's a demon in my chest

there's a Knife in the twinKle of my eyes

I'm going to maKe you crazy

really crazy

really crazy

inside me

Remember?

Nice.

Have the girls decided what we're going to do?

If this can happen, there is a Santa Claus!

Everything is normal.

The sex chromatin is correct.

She has the XX, you have the XY.

Both of you, whoever you are, are in great health.

And what do you think we could do?

As a doctor, I honestly don't know.

Jesus Christ...

But I was thinking...

-Aren't you curious? -Curious?

Don't you want to know what sex with a woman is like?

What? No way!

My life is messed up enough as it is.

I can't believe you'd pass up this opportunity.

Your husband is in that hot body.

Take him to a motel right now.

Can you imagine? That would be wild.

Tomorrow, hopefully, we'll have switched back,

I'll go to the agency to work on the campaign,

and you'll go fix that piece with your chorus.

Tomorrow's your birthday.

-The party! -What about it?

-We have to call it off. -Of course not.

What will I tell people? Not to mention the caterers.

What is it?

-What? -Just be quiet.

Claudio, what's going on?

Hold on. What's the matter?

You scared me, mom!

Would you mind introducing me?

Mom, this is Cau�. Cau�, my mom.

I thought you'd be home later today.

Can you tell me what you're doing alone with this punk?

I thought you said your mom was cool.

Relax, honey. Don't exaggerate.

The kids are just watching TV.

No big deal!

So you're the famous Cau�?

Yo!

So cute!

-Dad! -What, honey?

I think you'd better go, Cau�.

Yes. I'll drive him.

-You don't have to. -I insist.

Okay.

Cau�...

I know your type, kid.

Bia isn't even 15 yet,

so you think twice where you want to put your dick,

or you'll end up losing it. Understand?

I understand.

I'm going to start a novena to Our Lady of Mercy

-asking her to switch us back. -Are you kidding?

I can't take one more day, let alone nine!

If this was a test,

we've learned what we were supposed to learn.

I just hope we don't need good grades to pass.

Claudio?

Again?

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you, too.

After all, you've got my wrinkles now.

Wait just a minute.

I got this for you. We did.

Stop it, Helena.

Don't tickle me.

-The big 5-0! -Stop it, Helena.

-You're getting old. -Nice shoes.

-Like them? -Yeah.

Too bad I can't wear them.

Especially in our situation. It wouldn't be fitting.

What's this for? That's too much!

Don't make me waste it. It isn't too much.

Why so much? I'm going to be all gooey.

You'll be nice and soft. Every woman likes that.

Contrary to how it may seem, I'm not a woman.

But you're in a woman's body. Go on. Circular motions.

-Don't leave me like this. -You spread it. Start learning.

I like taking care of myself, okay?

Funny. Claudio...

How would you like it if I waxed my back?

I think you should stop kidding around.

-I'm just saying... -Stop kidding around,

or I'll stuff my face with chocolate.

Okay, you win.

Ouch!

Cida, what are you wearing?

I knew you'd like it.

Cida, for heaven's sake!

Didn't Helena tell you to wear your uniform?

Hurry up, people will be here soon.

What a nerve!

You're so stubborn!

Hi, m... Vivian.

-How are you? -Happy birthday.

I'll get you a little something later.

Where's Helena? She's forgotten her mother,

doesn't even return my calls. Helena!

Vivian, she's not having a very good day.

-Lf I were you, I'd... -Fortunately,

you're you, and I'm me.

Helena!

Honey...

-Hi, mom. -Hi, grandma.

Bia, come give grandma a kiss.

-Bye, grandma. -Bye.

You always have to arrive before everyone else.

You should be grateful I came

to your ill-mannered husband's birthday.

-Is this piano in tune? -You're the ill-mannered one,

always rude to my husband, a man who loves me,

who does everything for me, including putting up with

your unpleasant company on his birthday.

Maria Helena, that isn't how I raised you.

What's this?

How can you allow your maid to dress like that?

How dreadful!

I told you so.

Claudio, I was thinking about the campaign.

-I'm going to get a drink. -Go ahead.

I think you're right to see it from a woman's point of view.

-But don't get too feminine. -What's the matter?

Afraid you'll like my feminine side?

I'm a man, you know that. If you want, ask Barbara.

No way. I'm a man.

But seriously, Claudio, this thing of working at home

-in the middle of a crisis... -Will you excuse me a minute?

Marcos, that woman is into me.

I'm going to seduce her.

-I see you had an argument. -It's none of your business.

I'm sorry.

I forget how hard it is to be nice to you.

Apparently your wife came to the same conclusion.

My daughter has never treated me this way.

-She's really on edge. -It's your fault.

It's a serious problem I'm having at the agency.

What kind of blunder did you make?

It wasn't a blunder. It's serious.

-That's why she's like that. -She's worried about me.

He was drunk as a skunk in front of the hotel.

He said he wanted a woman that night,

but he was so drunk...

So the sales dropped

and they lost the campaign in two weeks.

Were you telling the joke about the inflatable woman?

-Yeah, I was. -Go ahead. That's a good one.

-Go ahead. -Anyway, the guy was there...

Hold on, Marcos. You can't tell a joke.

I'll tell it.

So the drunk calls the reception desk:

"I'd like a woman," and so on.

You were going through all these problems,

and never considered asking me for help?

You hate me, remember?

It's so fun to badmouth sons-in-law.

It's amusing.

Okay, I admit it:

I would have preferred it if you'd gone to Sorbonne,

but, deep down,

I've always liked you.

But don't tell anyone, okay?

She farted, turned three somersaults,

and flew out the window.

The breath analyzer!

Do you know the one about the blonde with a flat tire?

-She got out of the car... -That's a good one.

Excuse me. I know that one.

The blonde gets a flat tire and gets out of the car.

-Are you guys okay? -Stay a little with your mom.

What?

Please.

Stay with your mom a little while, please.

Okay.

You know I hate your husband, but I have to admit

he seems like a different person.

I can imagine.

Juliana Paes, without a doubt.

You must be kidding. Gisele B�ndchen anytime.

Too thin.

I like flesh.

-Luma de Oliveira. -Good one.

One thing depends on the other.

What good is quantity without quality?

Are you talking about men or grocery shopping?

I agree with Debora.

Marcos and I haven't had sex in months.

You know that glass of water? It's much more interesting.

Claudio's right. This is silly.

Let's talk about real women, women we know.

From our circle.

Have you seen the new girl in accounting?

What a hottie!

But the hottest woman there is Cibele.

-Cibele's definitely the hottest. -Wait a minute!

Claudio keeps that one all to himself.

You animal!

Clever boy!

You stud!

Helena, is Claudio more like a glass of water

or vodka with tequila?

Claudio?

He's a whole lot of tequila.

Although, sometimes, he's a little selfish.

Selfishness isn't a flaw in men.

It comes with the package.

I don't know whether to avoid another sweet

or schedule another liposuction.

Okay, who knows this joke?

How do you entertain a woman for a long time?

I don't know. Tell us.

Just write "TURN" on the front and back of a piece of paper.

I love that one!

"TURN"! Get it?

That's great.

Marcos, have you noticed

that Claudio's got a different kind of feminine thing going?

It's Helena.

Have you noticed that couples start acting alike after a while?

I'm talking about his feminine side, you know?

I think it's cool.

It's cool to let out your feminine side.

Helena must be loving it.

Beautiful.

Beautiful... Beautiful.

The water's great.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you

happy birthday, dear Claudio, happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, Claudio!

Happy birthday!

I can't believe no one was onto us.

At least there's one good thing in all this.

I've never been so sure of my sexuality.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

That's funny, isn't it?

When we love someone, we love them inside and out.

The craziest thing is that I love another woman,

and so I love my own body as if it were another's.

Don't start with me.

I've never liked male bodies.

Claudio, since you have my body,

learn how it works.

See this nightgown?

It's comfortable, makes me look thin,

and you love it.

Put it on.

This isn't so bad.

I miss it.

What are we going to do tomorrow?

I was thinking about that.

I think we have to work with the chorus first.

Then we'll work on the campaign together.

Together?

-Together, of course. -But...

We're in this together now.

No, not that. I can't, Claudio.

Relax, Helena.

Listen, let's forget what's on the outside

and think about the inside, okay?

But I have to be relaxed. I have to be relaxed!

I don't see how you can think of that

when we've got this problem, this situation.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience,

like seeing the Earth from the moon, honey.

Please, Claudio.

-I can't do this. -Relax.

-Will you listen... -Relax.

You're smothering me!

-Please! I have a headache. -Helena!

I have a headache, Claudio.

I don't know how you can think of that.

-Fuck! -Watch your language.

I'm here to help with the campaign.

Since when are you part of the creative team?

Since your husband began to screw our campaigns

in front of our clients.

Marcos, I'd rather work by myself.

-Time is short. -All the more reason.

You go ahead to the rehearsal, we'll talk over the phone.

-What if it doesn't work? -I'm going to miss 1 st period.

Relax, honey, we're on our way.

Since when do you let Helena drive your toy?

Let her play a little.

Let's get to work.

So, what have you got to show me?

Would you excuse me a minute?

Cida!

-Cida! -What is it now, Mr. Claudio?

You're letting the house go, Cida.

That shelf, in the office, is all dust, girl!

And there's another thing.

I've already asked you, for God's sake:

This Indian elephant's tail has to face the northwest.

Since when do you care?

Do you want us to have bad luck, is that it?

Having a man in the house is hell!

I know exactly what's going on here.

-What? -You don't fool me.

Do you think I'm some kind of idiot?

I've been onto you since the other day, but after yesterday,

I know exactly what's going on.

What are you talking about?

Don't play dumb, Claudio.

Neither you nor Helena have been acting the way you should.

And I know why.

-You do? -I do.

So tell me.

We're so confused...

You guys don't want me to sell the agency,

and you're acting this way so people will feel sorry for you.

Amazing!

I really can't keep anything from you.

Wow! You're quick.

You didn't even tell me what was going on with the agency.

I didn't have time, mom.

Tomorrow there's the chorus performance...

You should forget that chorus for a while

and pay more attention to your husband,

who, by the way, has a heart of gold,

especially now that he needs you so much.

Speaking of which, I was trying to think of a way to help, too.

It's okay. You don't have to.

Claudio can work out his problems on his own.

-Where are you, honey? -Up shits creek, mother!

But there's one thing you have to know:

What kind of approach are we taking?

Marcos, please, give me one minute of peace

so I can think. You ask too many questions!

Please, I have to think.

That's being creative. Just give me a minute.

Please. I'll be quick. Just one minute.

Oh, my God...

-Hi, my love. -I'm glad you called.

-Claudio... -What is a "mezzo-soprano"?

Marcos is pressuring me. I don't know what to do.

-Don't you have the earphone? -Hold on.

Repeat everything he says out loud,

and I'll answer. He'll never notice.

Marcos! We have to value comfort and sensuality,

but our differential is treating women like people who think.

-And how will the print ads be? -How will the print ads be?

I have a bit of a fever.

Of course! Newspapers! Use a newspaper.

People think women don't read newspapers, only magazines.

Half a page in the paper.

I don't know who's worse off: You, with Marcos,

-or me, with these girls. -Me, for sure.

You what?

Me. Marcos, me!

I'm also a target market for this product.

-But you're not a woman. -Of course not!

I mean as a consumer. I'm also a consumer,

a man who buys this product as a present for my wife.

Good one, honey. There you go.

There's certain things... Think!

Why is there a chubby girl in the first row

who won't stop yawning?

What you can do is...

Hello.

Claudio...

The battery ran out.

What would a newspaper ad for female consumers be?

Just use a hot chick. That's how they want to feel.

Has it ever crossed your mind that they may want to feel

a little more authentic?

You're being sensitive, right?

I think a little more overtime with Cibele

will make you an expert on women's lingerie.

That's enough.

Since I can't be rid of you here,

we're going to the agency. What an outrage!

Okay. I'll be right there.

Okay, bye.

Claudio, something came up.

You'd better go ahead, I'll be there later.

So you scheduled overtime with someone else?

It doesn't sound right.

Sounds too sad.

I have an idea.

Claudio, your horoscope says your day will be great.

Follow me. Marcos called and told me

you wanted to meet with the entire creative team.

Everyone's waiting for you,

but the meeting room is that way.

I know, but I just want you to clear something up for me.

-Sure. -Come with me, please.

So...

So?

So here's the thing.

How do I say this? Have we ever...

-Have we... -Like this. Have we?

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, but...

I'm sorry.

After all this time? I don't get it.

If it's for the client's fantasy, fine,

but everyone knows how in love you are with Helena.

I am?

Don't you play dumb with me, Claudio.

Everyone knows you are.

Helena...

You know what?

You have no idea.

Cibele, you're the best secretary in the world.

Okay, girls, that'll be all.

What's going on? They're so happy!

Looks like a birthday party.

Not to mention you haven't picked...

Ladies... Keep your cool. They'll both get their samba.

Samba?

-Helena, I don't think you... -No, listen.

I'd love to stand here and chat with you,

but I'm having the weirdest cramps,

so excuse me.

She's got her period.

And that's why I wanted to invest in this concept.

What do you think? I want the honest truth.

Don't try to please me. The truth.

Listen...

Go ahead.

I think you've never penetrated so deep

-into your target consumer. -Great.

It's as if a spirit got into you.

A spirit!

Excuse me, Claudio. Helena is on line 2.

-She says it's urgent. -Okay. Excuse me.

Thank you. Line 2.

Helena?

Go ahead.

You what?

Stop laughing, Helena. This is serious.

Take it easy.

Here's what you do...

-Have you washed your hands? -Yeah, I have.

That's very important. I want you to get...

You know my little pink makeup case?

There's a pink makeup case in the bag.

Get a tampon in there.

Got it? Okay.

Then you tear off the plastic strip around the middle.

Just pull on it and take it off.

Take off the bottom, and you'll see a little blue string.

Rotate it a little. That's right.

Now hold it and take off the plastic, okay?

And... You know... Put it in.

Okay. I'm going to hang up.

I can't talk and do this at the same time.

Okay!

What a character...

She has a hard time with her period.

Did you call me, Mrs. Helena?

Bring me a hot water bottle and some painkillers, please.

Get a grip, Mrs. Helena!

You have this every month, and you're still not used to it?

Bring me some ice cubes, too.

-Why? Are you mixing them? -For my scotch.

One is melting like jelly because of cramps,

the other one complaining about the elephant's tail...

I don't even know who has coffee or papaya anymore!

Poor baby...

Do you have a booboo, honey?

I had no idea my sarcastic look was so annoying.

Did you know I'm in pain?

I'm not being sarcastic.

I'm just used to it, so I think it's funny

-to see your drama. -There's no drama.

I'm not a drama queen. I can take pain.

Punch me, if you want. I can take pain.

I'll do nothing of the sort. I believe you.

I'm going to get you what I take.

You'll be all better.

Flying saucers, in general,

give out very strong magnetic fields,

which can affect the flow of electrons

and cause apparently unexplainable phenomena,

such as abductions,

cosmic projections,

and out-of-body experiences.

You think we're crazy, don't you?

-Do you believe us? -Relax, Helena.

-Helena, right? -No.

The minute you walked through that door,

I noticed your auras were switched.

Really?

Seeing as your material bodies are merely energy terminals,

you know what happened?

An exchange of magnetic signals,

most likely caused by the helicoidal trajectory

of antimatter induction. Was I clear?

I have a question: Can we switch back

or will I get my period every month?

Oh, God...

I'm going to need a minute to consult the cosmos.

Cosmos!

-Who's he talking to? -Just kidding!

-Oh, I see! -I'll do it now.

You can switch back.

You can switch back.

We just have to uninvert the frequency.

And how do we uninvert this?

I am the path,

and the universe is the answer!

Communication...

Communication...

Do you feel anything?

Communication...

Communication...

Communication...

Communication!

-Don't move. -I can't take this anymore.

Hold still!

Lipstick, panties, tampons, cramps, bras, high heels...

Bras kill me!

Do you think I enjoy peeing standing up?

Being a woman is hard.

I'm not ready for this, I wasn't made for this.

I don't know what's still to be invented.

You haven't seen anything yet. Hold still.

What a pain in the neck!

My chorus is singing today.

I have to look gorgeous.

Tereza's coming.

Here she comes. Pay attention.

-How are you? -Fine, thank you. And you?

-I'm fine. -This is my wife Helena.

How are you?

Would you mind if she stayed for the presentation?

-Not at all. -Great.

Helena, I could ask Cibele to get you some coffee

and a few magazines so you can wait at the reception.

Absolutely not. I insist on her presence today.

Isn't this about the female universe?

The creator's wife should be the first to approve it.

Come on, honey.

We're going to show the thousand,

the million sides there are to all women.

-Many sides indeed. -Am I right?

Women have always been much more skilled than men,

especially when paying attention to detail,

showing affection,

transpiring care,

overflowing with love.

Competing with men in the job market

hasn't hardened women's hearts.

Exactly.

Thank you, sweetheart. That's exactly it.

Because, even when women become independent,

they always retain that female sensitivity.

Right, Tereza? Always.

-They have desires and power. -And are still women.

Go ahead.

"Affection when and how I want it.

-That is being a woman." -What do you think?

What do you think, Claudio?

I think it captures the female spirit perfectly.

What do you think, Helena?

I think the campaign is very direct and to the point.

But of course they're going to think it's great.

The important thing is: What do you think, Tereza?

I think Claudio is wrong.

It doesn't capture the female spirit.

It goes beyond that.

It understands the man in every woman

and the woman in every man. Congratulations.

The account is all yours.

Thank you so much!

-Honey, the chorus! -Yes, let's go.

I'm sorry, Tereza. She has a chorus performance.

I have to go. Please excuse me.

Thank you. I'm coming, honey.

Claudio, where do you think you're going?

We have to have a little talk.

But...

Go on ahead, honey.

I'll meet you there. Please.

Go on.

Be quick. I want to see my wife's "little chorus".

Here's the thing: I sold the agency...

Yesterday afternoon.

What about our deal? If I got the account,

didn't you say you wouldn't sell the agency?

And I didn't sell it to the S�o Paulo guys,

but another buyer approached me.

Business is business, Claudio. You know that.

You punk!

Excuse me.

-Hi, Father. -Just in time.

Go on, cuties.

Bring down the house.

Now the S�o Jos� girls' chorus.

They're going to sing Beethoven's Ninth,

conducted by Mrs. Helena.

-Good luck. -Thank you, Father.

See you soon.

Okay... Follow me.

One, two, three...

You know,

I never thought you'd make such a great

children's chorus conductor.

And I never thought, on top of being a good driver,

that you were creative, too.

Right, but listen,

It's not that hard to be creative

when you have a woman's sensitivity.

And it's not that hard to conduct a chorus, either,

when you're a creative guy.

Are you calling me square?

Didn't you just call me insensitive?

I said women are more sensitive than men.

-Don't you think so? -Men are stronger, Helena.

That depends on what you mean by "stronger".

I'm talking about muscle strength.

That's a good one.

Only you forget I have your muscles now.

Actually,

muscles themselves don't mean anything.

You have to know how to use them.

And what will you do now?

Where's your strength?

I want to see you free yourself.

Claudio, what was that?

What was that?

Darn...

It's Saturday, I could sleep in,

and I had to get insomnia.

You know what that's called? Being in love.

Claudio... Claudio!

-Claudio! -What?

Claudio, wake up! Look!

-Look at what? -Look at this!

What's wrong?

It happened!

Oh, my God!

Thank God!

What's up, woman?

What's with all the noise?

If they continue going crazy like this,

we're going to have to commit them both.

Good morning, darling. Good morning, Cida.

Good morning isn't enough.

I've never seen such a great day, honey.

So excited!

I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't get any sleep.

When love comes around, it takes hold of everyone.

Everyone goes wild.

After years, Eucrides decided to "perform" last night.

Here, honey.

Crazy!

You're trying to drive me crazy!

Working overtime for Marcos on a Saturday?

Losing my Saturday.

I could be on the beach playing soccer,

scoring chicks... But I'm here.

Emergency meeting with the lady who bought the agency.

Really? A woman? Good for you guys.

Women bring good luck to this agency.

Have you noticed we only meet

-at our husbands' events? -That's true.

-Good morning. -Hi, Cibele.

Could you help us pack up Claudio's things?

Lt'll be the worst job he ever had me do.

Oh, Cibele!

-Excuse me. -Go on. Thanks.

Claudio, no hard feelings.

I tried to explain, but you wouldn't let me.

No hard feelings. Whatever. Give me ten.

I want you to be really happy, and you too, Barbara.

They will be very happy.

They were made for one another.

Honey!

I'm so glad you're here!

I called a thousand times, but your cell phone was off.

Mother, I'm a little off.

I don't understand what you're doing here.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet Vivian Medeiros de Albuquerque,

the company's new partner. She bought my shares.

-What? -What?

I believe in Claudio's talent, honey.

People who say happiness can't be bought

just don't know where the store is.

What a lovely, pleasant place. Wonderful!

Too bad I can't work here.

Let's go, please.

The decorator will be over at noon,

and he's coming from S�o Paulo.

And I still have to stop by the beauty parlor.

I'm talking about serious matters,

and you're worried about beauty parlors and decorators!

I don't just think of frivolous things.

Do you think it's easy to take care of a house, a family?

Do you think it's easy to support a house, a family,

the way you spend?

-All you think of is you. -All you think of is you.

-That's the problem. -That's the problem.

-Lf I were you... -lf I were you...

-What? -What?

-Again? -Again?

Men and women are strange creatures.

Venus and Mars. Two different planets.

It's hard to live with that person,

but it's impossible to live without them.

Ooh, what are you doing?

I'm driving, for God's sake!

But that problem will never be solved.

There isn't really a solution to that problem.

Because it isn't actually even a problem.

-It's life. -It's life.

-Hey! -Don't start.

-I've had enough. -Oh, Helena,

I forgot to tell you.

-What? -I'm trying to remember.

-Tell me. -At the party... I'll tell you.

What happened, at the party?

-It's ridiculous! -Tell me.

-Hold on! -You always do this.

I'm just trying to remember everything that happened.

So tell me. Hurry up.

-Tell me. -Barbara told me,

told everyone, actually,

that Marcos hasn't "performed" in months.

-She's in a terrible state. -So that's it.

I knew it. That's why she's on edge.

I also noticed she's been taking a lot of pills.

Really? Why?

Because she's unfulfilled, so she wants to lose weight.

I shouldn't laugh, but it's pretty crazy.

All that attitude...

Oh, what about Carmelia?

-What about her? -Didn't you notice?

-Her surgery. -Right.

-She looked awful. -She's not the only one.

At one point, I couldn't understand what she said.

-I swear to God. -She got her body done, too.

She turned to me, thinking she was hot...

She said, "Listen Claudio, you're in advertising..."

You're laughing...

English Version MONICA DIAS