Original subtitles

[singing in German]

I don't know. I didn’t even really want to be here tonight.

But then I went to Burger King.

And I got two Impossible Whoppers

and they were 25 bucks with the fucking fries.

And I said to the guy at the window, I was like,

“Can you just go through each price for me so you explain what the fuck is going on?”

When the fuck did this happen?

And I was getting these Impossible Whoppers

because I live with my parents and my dad is a vegan.

And I pretend to be a vegan sometimes with him

so he can be impressed by me because he’s not that impressed.

No. I’m just kidding. My dad loves me.

I just degrade myself up here for fun.

[girl off screen] Impossible Whoppers. I don't believe that.

You don’t believe me?

Every time I'm up here,

the people over here say they don't believe me.

Last time I said after I was attempting suicide,

my parents slept in my room for a month

and they didn't believe me.

-They really didn’t. -[audience groans]

Oh my God.

I didn’t want to bring up suicide. Every time I do people freak out.

It’s really okay.

People do things. I'm alive. It’s fine.

Anyway,

it’s really weird when you find out

that you have the smallest penis of all of your friends.

[audience laughs]

My friends were sending these, uh,

snaps to each other of their dicks and hot dogs,

which I can't even do because I need to take vi...

[inaudible dialogue]

[Sydney laughs]

[knock at the door]

[Kevin] Hey, Sydney, you in there?

Jeremy’s ready for us.

Yeah... uh... coming.

[a round of applause]

What am I doing here?

You got to relax, Kevin.

This is not my crowd.

What is your crowd?

People who live in holes.

Nobody lives in a hole.

Oh, pretty sure Saddam Hussein lived in a hole for a while.

There's this asshole at work.

I can't prove it,

but I'm pretty sure he's stealing the lettuce from my tuna sandwiches.

From my tuna sandwiches.

Anyway, that's not important.

He comes up to me and says,

“Who’s the best rapper?

Kendrick, Drake, or Post Malone?”

Obviously, you said Kendrick.

Obviously.

I would have said Drake or Post Malone.

Post Malone? He's not even a rapper.

Yeah, but he's hip hop.

I guess. Not really a rapper.

Post Malone is not a rapper.

He turned down joining XXL’s Freshman Class

just for that reason.

Also,

there are videos of him online playing Bob Dylan

before he was Post Malone.

Yeah, you see,

I get that Dot Da Genius may have sampled

Bob Dylan's song “Lay Lady Lay”

for Kid Cudi’s song “Highs and Lows”

but no rapper straight up plays Dylan.

[Sydney] Do you remember that year after college

when you thought you were going to be a rapper?

Oh, what was that song you released?

I believe it was called

“Tinker Bells’ Tinder Hell ” by Peter Pan.

[Sydney] Yes.

He wrapped as Peter Pan,

but he sang the hook as Captain Hook with autotune.

Oh, What did you say?

You said, um... Oh, it was uh...

“My girl's named Wendy.

She's got the best burgers.

When Pete is on the beat he commits murder.”

”Killing them hoes. Killing them hoes.”

And then the hook was,

“Swipe right for the hoes.

Swipe left for the no’s.

I’m a lost soul bankin’ up the dough.”

[Sydney] Oh my God.

That song was an instant classic.

Please stop. I'm going to explode.

Alright, let's not get him started.

Oh, the only reason to hang out with Jeremy

is to get him started.

Otherwise, he just sits there like a beached whale.

Beached whales are a fucking travesty.

They die of dehydration and drowning at the same time,

which means

they are simultaneously dying for water

and because of water.

Can you... can you imagine what that could possibly be like?

[Sydney] You done?

Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about. “Pete Pan!”

[Sydney and Kevin] “Captain Hook on the hook!”

I hate you guys.

[Sydney laughs]

Oh, geez.

You know, I'm kind of worried about Tina.

Uh, she was supposed to be here 45 minutes ago,

and she's not answering her phone.

She has the tickets?

She's supposed to.

She’s got a connection on the inside.

You know, through six degrees of separation,

Tina’s fucked everybody in this country.

Hmm. Who's Tina?

Kevin, you had lunch with her twice last month.

The bisexual or the divorcee?

That's the same person.

Can't say I remember her.

I just hope she doesn't show up.

Yeah, you know, the last time you said that

our DoorDash driver was murdered trying to deliver us pizza.

I just really don't want to be here.

You don't want to be here?

It was your idea to come.

I said we both hate Post Malone.

You said you heard he was good high.

But we didn't have time to go to the dispensary before we got here

because you insisted we get here early for some reason.

And you don’t even smoke weed. So how would you know?

Everyone sounds good high.

This is a disaster.

Every time I leave my hole, the world curses me.

Kevin, you know how

you asked me to set you up last week?

[Kevin] Yeah.

Well, Jeremy said that

you thought that I wouldn't

because I wanted to keep you all to myself,

which was a really sweet sentiment,

let me just tell you that.

But honestly,

as I was like going through my Rolodex of single females

that like might possibly be interested in dating right now,

I could not think of a single person who would be able to tolerate you.

Jeremy, why would you say that?

There' was a lull in the conversation. I couldn't stand the silence.

I had to say something.

You couldn’t riff about Stanley Kubrick or something?

I'll do that next time.

So Sydney, you can’t tolerate me, huh?

No. I like you. I think you're funny.

You remind me of Pete Davidson.

I remind you of Pete Davidson?

[Sydney] No, I'm just kidding.

Jeremy told me to say that if I ever got the chance.

It doesn't matter.

I can't afford to be with anyone right now anyway.

I spent the last of my money on this ridiculous $300 ticket.

Who the fuck does Post Malone think he is?

$300?

I mean, he could sleep with anyone. [Kevin] You?

Yeah.

[Kevin] With those face tattoos?

Ooh, there's something about them.

Maybe I should get face tattoos.

Kevin, please don't get a face tattoo.

A shark under my left eye.

[Sydney] What kind of shark?

Hammerhead.

[Sydney] It should your chances by about like 3%.

3% is good.

Everybody start talking.

[Kevin] What?

I think I see her.

[Sydney] Who?

She's like 30 people in front of us.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is why we're here?

I'm not even high, Jeremy.

How could you do this?

Who's here?

Alia.

[Sydney] Alia from Canada?

Yeah. You know.

Oh yeah.

She was the one you kept having dreams

that Post Malone started fucking her backstage at his concert?

Yeah.

I spent $300 for this.

I don't even know who she is.

You guys dated for like a whole year, and Kevin and I never met her.

You didn't stalk her on IG or something?

No. Why would I waste my time looking at girls you're dating?

I look at all the guys you're dating

even if you just go on one date.

Why?

Because you tend to date beneath yourself.

And as you're basically best friend,

I need to make sure you're not doing that.

Were you beneath me?

Well, we went on probably,

like, it was basically half a date in college.

So, yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm beneath you.

Oh, look, there's Tina.

Oh God. She looks terrible.

Wait, so we're not doing that again?

No, we did that like five times.

I don't think we need to do it again.

Okay, good.

Because I thought the first date was good.

I didn’t like how I said my first line.

Well, we didn't have to do the whole thing four times in a row for one line.

Well, we didn't have to do the whole thing four times in a row for one line.

[Jeremy] That's why we're doing this.

But what about the lines at the end where you talk to Alia?

[Jeremy] I'm cutting it.

Why? I thought they were sweet.

It's supposed to be funny. Not sweet.

Yeah, sweet?

This guy went on a date with the actress

who was supposed to voice Alia,

and when she found out she was playing an ex of his,

she freaked out and quit.

Oh, dude.

She was not the carbon copy.

Lamia was Pakistani,

and Alison played Alia was Japanese.

Yeah, but...

And Lamia was way weirder than Alia was.

You mean Alison?

Yeah.

Alison.

It's like masturbating on a plane.

Nobody masturbates on a plane.

[Kevin] I'm just saying, some people

can't fight their urges.

I don't know if I need to

clarify this, but I’ve never masturbated on a plane.

[Kevin] Oh, tell the French good story.

[Jeremy] I am not doing that again.

[Kevin] It's his best story. Tell it.

You make me tell it almost every day.

It's driving me nuts.

[Kevin] I need a laugh, man.

Come on. It’d be great.

You know, we got to loosen up anyway.

We're all tight.

Come on.

Yeah. Tell the French kid story.

Alright. I haven't done in a while.

I did it at, like at some open mic a couple of years ago.

But I'll try it right now.

[Kevin] Yeah he used to do this. This used to kill on stage.

[Sydney] Alright, let's hear it.

Okay, so basically,

during lunch every day at school, in middle school,

I would go to the bathroom

and there was the right urinal,

the middle urinal,

and the left urinal.

And I always went to the right urinal

because there was this protection, you know?

And one day when I was peeing, these four French kids walk in.

We had these foreign exchange students

and they were led by this guy named Clementine.

Clementine goes to the left urinal

and he's, you know, he's peeing.

It seems like he's peeing a lot,

like his bladder is really full

because he's making all these noises.

He’s grunting. [grunting noises]

You know, he's like... he’s French. He's like, “Wee. Wee. Wee.” And...

Oh my God.

Yeah. So then, but, he turns around, and he's just jerking off.

His dick’s in his hand and he’s going at it.

And I'm over here.

And I realize as I'm finishing peeing

that they have now formed a jerk off circle behind me.

And the only way I can get to the sink is to walk through their penises.

So I kind of like swerve my way through.

I don’t know if their dicks touched me at all, but I tried to avoid it.

Uh... I don't really want to... anyway, to think about it, but...

They just kind of kept doing it, you know?

And then, we had this court case come to school where

basically, this real judge came with these real people that drunk drove

and they were trying to teach us not to get DUI’s.

So the principal said, because it's a real court case,

if you speak, you're going to get suspended.

And I was a really good kid. So I sit down...

and I sit down.

And then Luscious, one of the French kids,

and Maria, this French girl,

and then Clementine, the other French guy, sits there.

I'm like, “Are you kidding me?” Because they keep doing this to me.

And then literally in the middle of the court case,

Luscious and Clementine stick their hands in their pants

and they're just going at it, you know?

And I can't say anything.

I'm looking at Maria, this French girl in the middle,

and like, she's not doing anything.

So I turn to the guy next to me

and he pushes me on top of Luscious

and I can feel Luscious’s hand against my side.

And it... he just doesn't stop.

And I pull myself...

I pull myself up...

I pull myself up and I just...

I pull myself up.

I pull myself up.

And I didn't know what to do. So basically I couldn't talk.

And there was a teacher in front of me,

and I was going to go talk to her,

but I couldn't talk to her because I couldn’t talk.

And I didn't want to get suspended.

So eventually, I went to the school counselor

and the school counselor was religious, but we're in a public school.

And I thought, they're not supposed to have religion and that stuff.

But she just basically was rambling about how masturbation is a sin

and nobody should do it.

The funny part of all of this is essentially

that in the end I felt the need to cleanse myself, you know?

Like I had to go like 100 days or something...

I was trying to go like 100 days without masturbating.

And because I thought that would be a good number.

And I hit 40.

And then I masturbated, so I felt bad.

And then I got to go 100.

And eventually...

Basically, what I'm saying is that's, yeah, that's, that's, that's

definitely the story that everyone always used to associate me with.

Well, that's not how you normally tell it.

I'm sorry.

[Jeremy] What are you talking about?

I don't think that's funny. I think that’s kind of horrifying.

Yeah, people used to think it was funny. And then...

especially men and then women just over time, they just started...

not thinking the same thing.

[Kevin] That’s my bad.

Um.

[Sydney] Do you think that, that's funny?

Uh...

Yeah.

Uh...

Yeah. So...

Um, yeah, let's just do the next podcast.

I think we're on a nude beach or something.

It should be a fast one.

[Kevin] Alright.

Jeremy, is that Kevin?

[Jeremy] Where are you looking?

At that red blob running towards us from the water.

[Jeremy] Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's definitely him.

I'm... I'm...

I'm sorry, Jeremy.

Is it okay if I take my headphones off?

[Jeremy] Why do you need to take them off?

They’re kind of like giving me a headache,

and I'm having a hard time, like hearing with my voice in my ear.

Please.

[Jeremy] You need to hear your voice, though,

because otherwise you're going to talk too loud.

Okay?

Um...

I just don't really want to do this... the rest of this with a headache.

[Jeremy] Do want to switch headphones or something?

Um.

-You can try mine. -Fine. I'll wear them. It’s fine.

Jeremy, is that Kevin?

[Jeremy] Where are you looking?

That red blob running towards us from the water.

Oh, yeah, I do... I think that's him.

[Sydney] Didn’t he go in the water with a bathing suit?

Have you never gone to the beach with Kevin?

[Sydney] I guess not.

Every time Kevin goes to the beach,

he gets lost in the tide, lost in the water...

two hours later, he comes back,

so beat red, so burnt to a crisp,

not even a cannibal would eat him.

This happens every time?

Why don't you try to stop him? You're like his best friend.

I mean, asking that guy to not go in a body of water

would be like asking Hitler to officiate a Jewish wedding.

It's just not gonna happen.

Oh my God.

His balls look like two cherries bouncing in a basket.

He really should like cup those things while he runs.

Looks like he's going to tear his scrotum.

Yeah. One time me and Kevin were driving and...

he was in the back seat,

and the middle seat belt was like flying around,

and he was just in the bathing suit.

He literally cut his scrotum.

His ball fell out of the sack.

It was bleeding.

[Sydney] Shut up. No, no, no. That did not happen.

That seriously happened.

[Sydney] What?

You have two different size balls, don't you?

Why would you know that?

[Sydney] Well, you know that one date

that we went on back in college, like

sophomore year?

We went back to your dorm and like undressed and just

looked at each other and said,

“No let's not do this.”

You know, the day we became friends.

Yeah, but I had my hands covering things.

[Sydney] Do you want to know the truth?

Obviously.

Okay, so like, your balls hang really low,

and there was a mirror on the door behind you,

so I kind of got a peek.

[Jeremy] Did you see anything else?

No, no, no, no.

What about my dick?

No, I just assumed it was tiny and like your hands covered it.

I mean...

yeah, I have a small dick, but it's like

I was really heavy at the time,

so what happened is it would invert.

It's this thing called buried penis.

Excuse me?

What?

That sounds like some twisted BDSM shit.

[Jeremy] No, it's basically a medical condition.

I think some people have surgery for it.

Oh God.

Is your... is your penis inverted right now?

[Jeremy] Do we seriously have to talk about this?

We’re at a nude beach. What else are we going to talk about?

What the fuck happened to you?

[Kevin] I swear, it must have been a full moon or something last night.

I was jumping and diving through the water

when one of the waves took my suit.

I wound up so far out I was near this

swimming camp for autistic teens.

This autistic guy, Michael, I used to work with at the theater.

He used to tear tickets.

He sees me. He starts swimming towards me.

He's calling on my name. “Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin.”

Each Kevin gets further and further away.

Obviously, I can get out of the water. I’m naked.

I'm like, I got to get out of here. So I swim back to the nude beach.

I have no idea how big this beach is.

I'm swimming for like two miles just trying to find you guys.

Now I'm here and I am so burnt I can't even move my body.

Kevin, I really think next time you go to the beach...

[Kevin] Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. This is too funny.

Come on what?

Dude, your monologue isn't that funny.

It's not his monologue.

It's... it's this buried penis thing. Is that real?

According to Google.

Oh my God. I have to see this.

Apparently, if he were to undress right now, you wouldn't see it anyway.

I have no problem saying I have a small penis.

I need to support guys like me.

Well, what happens if this podcast blows up

and women hear it?

Do you think they'll ever want to have sex with you again?

The idea of fucking is so much better than the actual thing.

Ugh, I think those French kids really fucked you up.

[Kevin laughs]

Do you seriously have to bring that up again?

You were the one that thought it was funny.

Okay. At first it wasn't funny.

It wasn't funny at all.

I couldn't go to the bathroom anymore

because I was afraid the French kids were going to be in there and do it again.

So I had to bring an extra pair of underwear and an extra pair of jeans to school

in my backpack just in case I peed my pants.

But then in high school, people would laugh at it.

People thought it was funny and it became one of those things...

It was like a Jeremy story, you know? It was a good thing.

And then, I go to LA.

And I go on this date.

And I tell the exact same story on the date.

The girl, she just gets all messed up, and the date ends and I feel nauseous,

like I'm going to puke...

Okay. Just forget what I said.

After that, it’s just not funny anymore.

It’s just not. So just don't bring it up.

You, um, told that story on a date?

[Jeremy] Everyone always said it was funny.

I was just trying to make her laugh.

Did you ever see her again?

[Sydney] That's a really stupid question.

After the date,

she texted me her old therapist’s number,

and before I respond, and say thanks,

she just blocked me.

Damn that’s cold.

Did you, um, call the therapist?

[Jeremy] I went to the therapist.

And I told her a bunch of stuff...

and at the end she said,

“I’ve never said this to anyone before,

but your problems are way too complicated...

...and I just can't have you as a patient.”

That's totally unprofessional.

Oh, right.

I remember this now.

You moved back here not that long after that, right?

Yeah.

[Sydney] How come you never told me this?

I don't know how to answer that.

Okay? I just. Let's just do another podcast.

[Kevin] Whoa, we're not going to finish this one?

The wedding scene is really funny.

I think it's slightly offensive.

Offensive? No. That’s funny.

[Sydney] I mean,

I feel like I know plenty of people who would be upset about it

even if that was not the intention.

Miss Popularity knows so many people.

[Sydney whispers] Shut up.

[Jeremy] I told you guys you didn’t need to memorize it,

but did you both look at Sydney Got Fingered?

Please tell me that's not the name.

[Jeremy] Yes, that's the name. Thank you.

[Jeremy] You're welcome.

I don't think I’ve seen this one before.

What are you talking about?

I wrote it at 4AM.

I sent it out at 5.

I said you don't need to memorize it,

but just glance at it before you get here.

Dude, you had us be here at 6.

How did you expect us to memorize it?

[Jeremy] Okay fine.

We don’t need to rehearse or anything.

We'll just do it on the mic quickly.

I just want to get one take or two takes. It can be raw.

It doesn't matter.

If this is bad, I'm not doing it.

How could it possibly be bad? It's about you getting off.

Do you have it?

[Kevin] Yeah. Yeah.

Do you?

Are you going to be able to do the line?

Do you need to look at it for a second?

[Kevin] I'm looking at it.

You just said I... I thought you just said...

What does it say your first line is?

[Kevin] You have the first line.

No. What does it say your first line is?

“I hope you didn't fall for it.

That guy literally has the strongest fingers in the world.”

[Jeremy] Okay, fine.

Hey Kevin, there's a guy at the end of your hall

who has a sign on his door

that says if you beat him in a thumb war

he'll give you $1,000.

But if you lose, you have to buy him lunch,

and then you can never challenge him again.

I hope you didn't fall for it.

That guy literally has the strongest fingers in the world.

[Jeremy] How can you have strong fingers?

He used to free solo mountains.

He’s a nut.

[Jeremy] And how old is he?

Like 50.

Remember when I had mice in the building?

[Jeremy] Yeah.

He was the guy that said he couldn't have bitches over

because bitches don’t like mice.

And he was tired of paying for motel rooms.

How much action is that guy getting?

No.

[Jeremy] What?

This is terrible.

[Kevin] It's okay.

The concept is stupid.

The dialogue is stupid.

The title... Jeremy, the title is stupid.

[Kevin] The title is clearly a reference to...

I know what it's clearly a reference to, Kevin.

That doesn't make it better.

If anything, it makes it way worse.

[Jeremy] It gets funnier.

It reads like a first draft.

[Kevin] Jeremy only writes first drafts.

I thought you'd grow out of that at some point.

[Jeremy] I've never written a second draft in my life.

I just. I don't understand how you go from being

so disturbed by masturbation to just

suddenly writing about me masturbating.

It’s not about you masturbating.

It's about the free solo guy with his strong fingers

getting you off,

not your own fingers.

That mice line. You stole that right from me.

My neighbor said that.

[Jeremy] Yeah, it was funny. If something is funny, I take it.

[Sydney] You never take any of my lines.

Uh, Sydney.

You seem to have forgotten that you dated a rock climber.

And you loved when he got you off with his fingers.

And you said he’d bend in his ring finger,

cross these over,

twist it upside down, and that's how he'd get in it.

And you said, that's what I should do too.

You look like you are trying to teach

a dog how to do sign language.

[Sydney laughs]

I’m sorry. This is just...

that seems to not be doing you any favors.

Jeremy, between the small dick and the fucked up fingers,

I really think there's no hope for you.

I see.

It's okay to make fun of Jeremy, but not anyone else.

[Sydney and Kevin] Oh my God.

You are 100% making fun of Kevin and I in these episodes.

I second that.

Friendship is just people giving each other the excuse to humiliate one another.

Oh, so that's why we're friends.

[Kevin laughs]

I mean, I’d say that's part of it. Wouldn’t you?

Don’t ask me, man.

[phone vibrates]

Oy. God damn it.

Alright.

The guy bringing the food is here.

I didn't want him to come til after we did another podcast,

but I'll just go get it, and then we'll come back.

And then we'll figure out what we're going to do

because I just really wanted to get one more done.

[Kevin] Sounds good to me.

[Sydney groans]

[Kevin] You okay?

Oh, yep, yep, yep. Yes, I am.

I am A-OK.

I just had to, um,

pay somebody to board Jimmy

because I couldn't find anyone to watch him.

What you have a dog? You brought him here. I love dogs.

Jeremy would have gone fucking nuts

if there was a dog barking in the background.

Fuck him.

You’ve got to make him reimburse you for the board.

Don't worry about it. He doesn't have to know.

Yeah, he's not really a dog guy.

He, uh, he didn't care for Barney much either.

When he was old,

he would freak out if even drooled on his shoe.

[Sydney] Of course, he fucking didn't like Barney.

Do you think you'll get another one?

I'd love to, but I don't know if that would be the responsible thing to do.

At least not until I get a better job or a girlfriend.

And I don't think that's in the cards anytime soon.

Yeah. How's the search going?

[Kevin] For a better job?

Well, I've been trapped at this crappy multiplex.

It's a glorified Chuck E. Cheese and only shows Marvel trash

ever since the arthouse I managed got knocked down.

Thanks.

Oh, man.

I mean, I was talking about a girlfriend.

-Didn’t you have a date like last week? -Oh my God. That?

I was so excited to meet this girl.

She told me she was a big reader.

When she told me the last things that she read,

I almost threw up.

What? What were the books?

The Great Gatsby. 1984. Catcher in the Rye.

These are all great books. Classics. I love them.

But those are the kind of books you read in high school.

She's 37 years old.

Were you able to confirm that she hasn't read a book in 20 years?

Yeah, it was a little bit like pulling teeth.

But finally I was able to get her to describe the plot of 1984 to me,

except she meant Brave New World.

Also a high school book.

[Kevin] Yep.

If I had to choose between beauty and intelligence,

it's a no brainer.

Intelligence. Every time.

[Sydney] Oh, yeah. Every time.

[Kevin] Mhmm.

[Sydney] That's why, uh, Jeremy and I never worked out.

Yeah, he’s not really, uh, not really Einstein, is he?

[Sydney] Not really one that you write home to mom about.

Hey, um, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just thinking about Barney now.

Things haven’t really been the same since he died.

You know, I live in an apartment by myself,

and I'm afraid to even vacuum anymore because I don't want to lose

those little hairs.

It's like a reminder that he was there.

Like, he's been my rock ever since my parents died.

He was the last thing I had.

And...

I don't really, uh,

I don’t know what to do anymore.

He was kind of like my reason for waking up every day.

He was...

He was the best.

Here.

Let me show you a picture.

Oh, man.

Look at this fucking guy. Look at him.

Oh. He looks like a good boy.

Yep. That's Barnstormer right there.

Seventeen years old when this photo was taken.

Seventeen. Can you believe that?

[Sydney] He looks like a puppy.

I know. Yeah. Young at heart.

You guys look so happy there too.

Thank you.

Oh, fuck.

You know, you really need to ask Jeremy for that money back.

Seriously, he can afford it.

[Sydney] It's fine.

You know, um, you could...

You could watch Jimmy if you want sometimes.

And I'm not just saying that for free daycare.

I'll bet Jimmy is a fucking sweetheart.

[Sydney] He is a fucking sweetheart.

He is... It's amazing.

Okay, So.

Well, it's not amazing, but it's amazing.

He gets really bad separation anxiety.

Um. So...

[Kevin] Love her.

Yup. Him being boarded today is

probably not going to be the best thing for my apartment later,

but I'd rather have him boarded

and not like tearing apart my sofa again.

[Kevin] Oh no.

But he really is like,

he really is my world and I am his.

I mean, obviously you have Barney,

so you know what it’s like owning a dog.

I just.

I don't know.

He would kill someone for me.

I would probably kill someone for him.

Oh my God.

I was like just waiting for the day that someone said something to Barney

that gave me an excuse to go off like, you know, like...

Oh my God.

But who could say no to that face, right?

Oh, no. Oh my God. Yeah. No. Apparently Jeremy.

[Kevin] Yeah. That’s the worst thing about him.

About Jer... you’re saying that's the worst thing about Jeremy?

Okay, uh, maybe like top three worst things.

There's, uh, you know, nobody's perfect, right?

Oh yeah. Uh,

Um, so you, um, are doing this

podcast, like, how did you...

[Jeremy] Hey, I was just thinking... I got the sandwiches

and it's been kind of a long day, so if we want to take a little

break to eat them we can or we can do the other podcast next and then eat.

It’s whatever you guys want to do is fine.

[Kevin] No, no. I'd rather just be done...

as soon as possible.

Especially because you just threw this scene at us.

[Jeremy] Once you see the sandwich you are probably going to want to eat it.

It’s a good place.

[Kevin] Oh sandwich. One step above pizza.

You said you're okay with sandwiches.

I thought we talked about that at some point.

I’m just fucking with you, dude. Relax.

What kind of sandwiches, though?

Double turkey.

Sydney's favorite is double turkey.

[Kevin] She's a vegetarian. It's okay.

I have a peanut butter granola bar in my bag.

I'll just eat that.

No. Don't. Don't even touch it. I don't know why it's in your bag.

You're deathly allergic to peanut butter.

I think she would know her own allergies. I just.

Didn't you?

Didn't we talk earlier that we were going to get salads?

Yeah. This whole thing is my fault anyway.

I'm the one who said I wanted a sandwich.

I just thought you were going to get vegetarian friendly sandwiches

or a chicken sandwich for me, because, you know, I don't eat turkey.

I just... I...

You used to love double turkey. Right? Like...

You'd get it for lunch everyday.

Yeah..

You... you'd say the tomatoes had to be thinly sliced,

the lettuce had to be fresh... you didn’t like when it was brown.

But the double turkey is what you said would make the sandwich, the sandwich.

Yep. Yeah, you're totally right.

I used to eat double turkey a few years back before I was a vegetarian.

Right?

Thinly sliced tomatoes, double turkey...

You forgot mustard. Yeah.

[Kevin] Is someone holding you at gunpoint to make you say that?

No, no, no, no, really, I used to...

I used to eat it back before I was a vegetarian.

But now I'm a vegetarian. It's okay, Jeremy.

I understand.

[Jeremy] I don't think she's a problem with the meat.

I don't have a problem with people who eat meat.

It's just at this point in my life, I don't eat meat anymore.

[Kevin] There you have it.

So, do we have anything else to eat?

You're not gonna eat a sandwich?

I would rather have a salad.

Is that on the table?

Do we have time?

Because I don’t eat turkey either.

It's fine. It's fine.

We might just have to stay like a couple minutes extra.

I’ll just get salads. I'll be back.

[Kevin] Great. Make sure it's chicken for me.

I don't eat turkey.

[Jeremy] Okay.

Yeah, I just...

I don't know why he forgot to have that. But it's okay.

We used to get it all the time back when we were in college.

[Kevin] I need you to butter my ass.

[Jeremy] What the hell is that?

I got a dildo stuck in my ass.

[Jeremy] How'd that happen?

I was experimenting with my sexuality.

[Jeremy] There’s nothing wrong with a little butt play, my man...

straight or gay.

I put my thumb up my ass for the first time when l was 12.

Taught me everything I needed to know about life.

What’s that?

[Jeremy] Lots of people wish they were their dog, but I don’t.

They don't have opposable thumbs.

There's no life without them.

It hurts.

[Jeremy] Sometimes the only way to better ourselves in life is to go through a little pain.

No. I mean the dildo in my ass. It hurts.

[Jeremy] Take my hands.

For what?

[Jeremy] Do you trust me?

[loud chewing sounds]

I really think I’ve perfected it.

Sometimes I think I can get off without thinking about anything at all.

Hey, guys.

[Jeremy] Hey, Sydney.

Let me guess. You're talking about pleasuring yourselves.

How in the world did you know that?

It's either that or some movie.

It's a 50/50 shot either way.

I was just telling him how I can go it alone nine times in a day.

Hmmm. Piece of cake.

You see, women are far more advanced creatures than men.

Their batteries recharge way faster.

I've always wondered what it's like to orgasm as a woman.

You know, the few times I've been able to see it up close,

I can just tell that they go places far beyond

anywhere I've ever been able to reach.

You know, if you could get off 9 times in a day,

I think I could do 12.

But could you sustain it?

[Sydney] What do you mean?

I mean, could you get off

three times a day

...every day...

for the rest of your life?

Well, I mean, I wouldn't try, but I think I could. Yeah.

I could do it three times a day. Easy.

I say we all put $500 in a pot,

and the person who goes the longest masturbating three times a day

wins the other two’s buy in.

God damn it. This is the first time I’ve been in a relationship for years.

Becky likes to have sex twice a day.

Once in the morning and once a night.

How am I supposed to keep that pace up?

You don't have to buy in.

The only way that this is fair is as long as I'm with Becky,

Jeremy can't watch porn.

Fine. But if I can't watch porn,

then Sydney can't use her vibrator does thing.

Yeah. No more Mr. Rodolfo.

You named your vibrator dildo thing, Rodolfo?

It's better than Kevin's right hand being named Agatha.

How do you two know the names of the things you use?

Last week, I walked in on Kevin yelling,

“Oh, Agatha, you're such a mystery!”

Alright. Let me get this straight. I call my right hand Agatha.

She calls her vibrator Rodolfo.

And then you call your left hand Chrysanthemum.

And we use Agatha, Rodolfo, and Chrysanthemum to masturbate.

[Kevin] I think it's just a little confusing.

Yeah, I don't think that people are going to follow.

I'm just trying to be more creative than using the word masturbate.

You should just use the word.

[Jeremy] What do you think?

I don't care.

I don't understand this, so I don't really care.

It's a reversal of Seinfeld’s The Contest.

Yeah, I mean, I've seen Seinfeld.

I just don't know that episode.

You're telling me you don't know

the most popular episode in the most popular sitcom ever.

[Sydney] Clearly, it's not the most popular.

[Kevin] So it's a classic episode.

Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine make a deal who can go the longest without masturbating.

George wins. But in the finale you find out that he lied.

So what’s this?

This is the opposite. It's the reversal.

It’s... instead of seeing who can go the longest without masturbating...

it’s who can go the longest masturbating multiple times a day.

That's the whole joke. That's why this thing is funny.

No. I mean. I get that. But like, the Seinfeld episode is way funnier.

Do you not get the Death of a Salesman parody at the end? [Kevin laughs]

[Sydney] What are you talking about?

Sydney dies

sand then Kevin kills himself ten years later.

[Jeremy laughs]

And then on the day he kills himself,

Jeremy forgets to masturbate a third time.

And so, if Kevin wouldn’t have killed himself, he would have won the contest.

[Sydney] What does that have to do with Death of a Salesman?

It has everything to do with Death of a Salesman.

Willy Loman kills himself, and then he has a funeral,

which no one goes to, just like it would be for Kevin.

And so, basically, no one's there and they're talking.

And then, his wife is talking to him.

She’s trying to tell him about the mortgage because...

...that's the whole point in this.

No, man. Come on. This episode is just you jacking off.

It's fine. We’ll just scrap it.

No, I think there's value in still recording it.

Weirdos like you guys will probably like it.

I just...

I just want to make something that everybody's going to like.

How many times have I told you that's impossible?

Everybody likes Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Harry Potter.

You hate all of those things.

Because I can't watch things with dragons in them.

[Sydney] Why?

Because dragons aren't real.

Is this real?

[Sydney] Hey guys.

[Jeremy] She was so fucking hot. I can’t get over it.

[Kevin] I think David Lynch and I have the exact same taste in women.

[Sydney] Are you still talking about that movie?

[Jeremy] We can stop if it’s bothering you.

[Kevin] Yeah. Uh. How was your night?

[Sydney] It is interesting. Honestly, I’m just happy to be back.

[unnerving sounds]

[intense rumbling]

[sounds from the closet]

Tina.

[typing noises]

Tina...

I told you to tell me before you were going to write in my closet.

[German accent] The world is to strange for me to write anywhere else.

Yeah, well, I can't sleep with you in there.

It reminds me too much of those dreams I had as a kid.

I prefer my dreams

to everyday life

other than the time I spend with you.

[monstrous voice] Sydney.

Shut up!

You should tell the landlord.

[Sydney] That is the landlord.

I'll go talk to him.

No.

Just stay.

Sing me a song?

You can’t sleep?

The movie I watched with Jeremy and Kevin really freaked me out.

I don't know why you hang out with those guys.

They’re dicks.

Mmm. Kevin's okay.

What song do you want?

You know the one.

Your tongue or mine?

Your tongue always.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

I’m okay.

[Tina] You sure you’re okay?

Yeah, I’m sure.

Okay.

Because if you're not okay,

then I'm going to have to do something to make sure you’re okay.

I'm okay.

You sure you’re okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Tina, why do you keep asking me if I'm okay?

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm okay.

I'm just making sure you're okay because if you're not okay, then...

Tina. Yes, I'm okay. Just sing the song.

Okay. I’ll sing. I just... I need a moment.

[Tina sings in German]

You okay?

You don't seem okay.

Come, darling.

Sit with me.

Tricia?

Yes, honey, it's me.

You're Tina and Patricia's triplet.

You act like we've never met before.

We haven't.

And yet, you knew my name.

[Sydney] It was just a feeling.

Tina, Patricia, and I

used to switch places from time to time.

Triplets don’t actually do stuff like that.

[Tricia] You remember the merry go round?

You were on a giraffe,

and I was laughing so hard I fell off the elephant.

My wrist hung like this.

[Sydney] That was Tina.

See, Tina wasn’t feeling so pretty that day, so she sent me.

She wore a cast on her wrist for months after that.

I told her she was prettier than me, and you would know the difference.

I guess you never really looked at her, did ya?

You're making all of this up.

Come over here, sweetheart.

Let me show you something.

[Sydney squeals]

You have a beautiful figure, Sydney.

Um. Thank you.

I bet guys are trying to get down on you all day.

I don't know about that.

No. I'm telling you, you are gorgeous.

You've got nice breasts.

Let ’em out a little bit.

Sometimes I do.

It just depends, you know?

No, not me.

I say, let ‘em out.

If you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ’em.

You are gorgeous.

I don't really know what to say.

You've given me more compliments in the past minute than I've gotten in a year.

You ever done a porno?

What?

Have you ever been in a porno?

No, never. Nothing like that.

You should porn.

Have you done porn?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

I just don't show my face.

Tina never told me that.

Tina doesn't know much about my life.

So, um...

You got a porn name?

Alice Madison.

Oh...

Uh...

I think my friend Kevin really likes you.

Can we take a selfie?

Absolutely not.

I can't show my face.

Right.

Sorry.

Give me your number.

I’ll connect to my agent.

He'll get you in the movies right away.

I don’t know. I don't really think that's my thing.

Patricia.

Tricia!

Don't you think...? Sydney would be perfect for porn.

Oh my gosh. I totally see it.

She could do scenes with us.

You both do porn?

We both switch off playing Alice Madison.

And since we don't show our faces, no one knows the difference.

Well, I have a third nipple.

That is true.

Some people do notice the nipple.

You want to see it?

Okay. That’s it.

I really think I should be getting out of here.

We just got here.

It’s okay. I’m really whipped.

I want to tell you a secret before you leave.

Is that okay?

[Sydney] Um. Yeah... I guess...

Lynch is incredible.

Hey, guys.

[Jeremy] She was so fucking hot. I can't get over it.

[Kevin] Sometimes I think David Lynch and I have the exact same taste in women.

Are you still talking about that movie?

[Jeremy] We can stop if it's bothering you.

[Kevin] Yeah. How was your night?

Um. It was interesting.

Honestly, I'm just happy to be back here.

Um.

I did see that porn star Alice Madison, though.

[Jeremy] Are you talking about the one with three nipples?

Yeah.

[Jeremy] Yeah, that's not possible.

She was trampled by a bunch of elephants a couple of months ago.

I can show you a picture on my phone if you want.

Okay. I got to go.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Are you sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm okay.

Um, where are you going?

I just need to go home and jack off right now.

It feels like this episode is supposed to be for me,

but really, it's just you two masturbating.

Nobody masturbated in that script.

I mean like figuratively masturbating about your love for David Lynch.

[Jeremy sighs]

Sydney,

I think that you’re forgetting that you love David Lynch.

No, I don't.

This episode was specifically written

because of how much you love David Lynch.

Yeah, I thought Jeremy told me you had an Inland Empire poster in your dorm.

I thought that was so cool when I heard that.

I was so jealous when he said you guys got to meet Laura Dern in Chicago.

I guess I, um... I used to love Lynch.

I don't now.

What happened?

I guess I scare easier than I used to.

[Kevin] To each their own, but...

I don’t think Lynch is that scary.

Let's take a break.

[Sydney] No, we should keep going.

[Kevin] You sure?

[Sydney] Yeah.

[Kevin] You okay?

Yeah. Fine.

Best I've been all day.

[Sydney] Kevin.

Yeah?

[Sydney] Show me that picture of Barney again.

Of course.

Just one second.

There he is.

Oh. It grounds me.

You got another one?

I got a whole folder.

Let's see.

[Sydney] Oh, he's such a good boy.

[Kevin] He was the best.

You okay over there?

Yeah, I mean, I’m having the time of my life.

Alright. If you say so...

Say how much time we have left?

Um, I guess we’ve got, like an hour.

There's only one left with Sydney, though, so...

Yeah, we're pretty much done.

Okay, cool.

So if you don't mind, can I go to the bathroom real quick?

I'll be right back.

Okay.

[Jeremy] Um.

I think I want to improvise something.

[Sydney] No, I can't do that. I’m terrible at that.

[Jeremy] No, I think you'd be good at.

Don’t you want to wait for Kevin?

[Jeremy] No, I just want this one to be you and me.

What do you want to talk about?

[Jeremy] Um.

I guess I just want to see Sydney from a different perspective.

Okay. Um...

Well, I'm kind of going to need to know who you're playing.

I think that as we're doing it, you're just going to figure it out.

Sydney, nice to meet you.

Would you like to jump right in or get to know each other first?

Oh no. I have a long list of things to go over, so I think we should just get right to it.

[Jeremy] I'm fine to jump right in.

Okay. Number one, um...

I have... sometimes have... sex dreams about my female best friend.

How do I make that stop?

[Jeremy] Does your female friend known you fantasize about her?

Oh, no, I'm not gay.

What are you writing down?

[Jeremy] I think that coming out to your female friend might help you better understand yourself.

No, I'm not gay.

[Jeremy] This is a safe space, Sydney.

You should feel comfortable to tell me anything.

Okay, let's just move on. Number two.

Um, I'm really self-conscious about my small vagina.

You know, there's lots of people in, like, girls in locker rooms.

They're always going on talking about and showing off their big vaginas.

And then comedians are always joking about it.

How do I, um, feel less self-conscious?

[Jeremy] Sydney, are you virgin?

No, not at all.

[Jeremy] Is sex painful for you?

No. What are you writing down?

[Jeremy] You have to understand that vaginas come in all shapes and sizes.

They can be longer,

shorter,

thicker,

or thinner than any other woman's.

Okay, um, so,

I once stuck my finger in a dog's butt.

Um, should I feel ashamed about that?

[Jeremy] How old were you?

Oh, this was, um, last year.

[Jeremy] Sydney, I'm going to have to ask you a question,

but I'm going to need you to trust me.

Okay?

Do you have two male friends that sent you here

to talk about their problems

so they can get answers because they don't have health insurance?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Of course not. That's. That's. That's...

That's ridiculous.

Why would I? No.

Well, if that's not the case, would you say

we should continue discussing your sexuality?

Oh, no, I'm not gay.

[Jeremy] Are you sure?

Yes.

[Jeremy] Positive?

I’m not gay.

Not even when you were like,

from like, 21 to 22?

I'm not gay.

I don’t understand. We've been rehearsing this for months.

I've been telling you everything, Sydney would do.

Everything she would say.

Everything.

Everything about her, I've given you over and over and over again.

I brought you here for lots of reasons.

Yes, you do kind of look like her. But that's not the point.

The point is you should be getting closer.

Closer, closer, closer.

And you're just getting further and further away,

and when we're improvising. You should get all the way there.

I don't understand what's wrong with you.

You're supposed to be an actress.

Are you done?

Well, I stopped talking. So I suppose I'm done.

Good. Because I am too. I'm done.

[Jeremy] What are you talking about?

I can't do this anymore.

[Jeremy] We have one more podcast, and then you can go.

That's it.

We've been at this for 13 hours.

I just need a little bit of time.

I just need a little bit of time to be myself.

You're an actress. This is what actresses do.

This isn't acting.

I don't know what this is, but it's not acting.

[Kevin enters] Sorry guys. That salad really messed me up.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't.

I can't. I can't do this.

[Jeremy] Sit down.

[Sydney] I can't. I... I...

Rachel, sit down!

[Kevin] Who's Rachel?

I’m Rachel!

I know you know that, Kevin.

Um... I think maybe you might want to

have some water and explain to me what’s going on.

[Jeremy] Take the water.

Relax.

Sit down.

And finish this.

What are you trying to accomplish here?

I’m just trying to make a podcast with my friends.

We are not good friends.

You two are not my good friends.

[Kevin] What are you talking about?

We've been hanging out every day for like two weeks.

I thought we were getting along pretty well.

[Sydney laughs]

I don't know why I'm being so nice to you, Kevin.

You're Jeremy's best friend.

And Jeremy has sat here

every night for the last two months spitting in my face for 3 hours at a time,

telling me all the things that Sydney would and wouldn't do.

Sydney would do this. Sydney wouldn't do that.

And you just let it happen.

That makes you just as bad as he is.

He's not my best friend.

What?

He's not my best friend.

Okay, Kevin. Okay.

Yeah. He's not my best friend. Not even close.

Are you seriously spitting in her face?

[Jeremy] I'm directing her. She needs direction.

You haven’t directed me at all.

You're not acting.

[Kevin] I don't know what's going on here,

but honestly, Sydney,

if anything, I feel closer to you than to this asshole.

And if I knew that every night he was acting out

some kind of Stanley Kubrick power fantasy on you,

I would have said we have to get out of here.

Kevin, you... you can’t be close to me.

Why not?

Sydney isn't real.

I've been playing a character.

I thought you knew that.

When I signed on to do the stupid podcast,

Jeremy told me he had a friend in New York named Sydney

who loved David Lynch.

Who was cool.

You told me about Jimmy.

Do you not have a dog named Jimmy?

Jimmy's not real.

Nothing I've told you was real.

So, your name is Rachel?

Yes.

Why are you here, Rachel?

The pay.

It was too good to pass up.

You're not paying me anything.

[Kevin smirks]

Sydney and I saw you in some underground place in New York about five years ago.

You were wearing this stupid red wig,

and you delivered this terrible monologue about George W. Bush.

You butchered the whole thing.

So Sydney laughed.

She was the only one in the theater laugh.

And after the show, she went up to you to talk to you.

I wasn’t there because I was outside because I just thought the whole thing was stupid.

But about a half hour later she came outside

and she said that she couldn't get away because you were just so funny or something.

And I said that's ridiculous because your performance was garbage.

And she spent the rest of the night convincing me why I was wrong.

Is that true?

That's Sydney.

That girl is who I've been pretending to be.

That girl is who you're paying me to be?!

So if this is Rachel, where is Sydney?

She um...

She died a couple of years ago.

[Rachel] How’d she die?

[Jeremy] Does that really matter?

Did you get everything out of me that you wanted?

[Jeremy] I don't know yet.

I mean, did I allow you to live out your disturbed fantasy?

This is not about me grieving or anything like that.

This is about me giving you something.

And what's that?

I guess,

the simplest way to think about it is

I'm giving you the experience of a lifetime.

[Kevin smirks]

You were rambling about Death of a Salesman earlier.

I know that play very well.

It's actually the first one I ever saw when I went to go visit my aunt in Buffalo

when I was 12.

She drove me 6 hours into the city to go see it on Broadway,

and since I saw my first show, I've been obsessively reading plays.

When I was 17 is when I finally moved to Brooklyn for the first time

so I could pursue my career of being an actor.

Acting is my entire life, whether it takes me anywhere or not.

And Jeremy, I don't know what kind of talent you think that you have,

but I can assure you that you know nothing about art or beauty

or comedy for that matter, especially not fucking comedy.

And it's clear that you understand that, that girl Sydney is really, really special.

But what you don't seem to understand is that Kevin and I are actually

pretty fucking special, too.

You're only here because I think you're special.

And what about me?

[Jeremy laughs]

Honestly,

I was just watching a bunch of Seinfeld and I wanted my own George.

You think you're Jerry Seinfeld?

No, but I do think that you're as pathetic as George is.

Fuck you.

You're a fucking prick.

[Kevin] And you know... fun fact...

George is the reason why people watch Seinfeld.

Nobody watches for Jerry.

Only losers say that.

Thanks for pretending this loser had a friend.

[Jeremy] Hey.

Why don't you just sit down so we can talk about this for a second?

[Rachel] You need serious help.

We have a half hour. We can do another podcast or something.

It's going to be fine.

We don't even need Kevin for this one.

I'm sure I have another one without him.

Jeremy, just stop.

[Jeremy] What?

It's over.

We have a half hour. It's not over yet.

It'll be over in a half hour.

No, it's over. I'm done. I can’t do this.

You've been doing it this whole time. You’ve been doing it for months.

You just had to finish the day and then we’re done.

This was before I knew Kevin was also somebody that

you just brought in on this fucking adventure.

[Rachel] I didn't know that this was a set up.

I didn't know that I was pretending to play you're dead friend.

Kevin, I didn’t just bring him on. I saw him do standup. He was okay.

I said... Whatever you can do this me.

See. Now you say he was okay.

But to his face you told him he was bad. To his face you told him he's pathetic.

Why are you so mean?

Is that why Sydney's dead?

Did you kill her?

Why would you...?

Why would you say...? You think I could...? Why would...?

I wouldn’t do something...

[Rachel] Or did she kill herself because you she was friends with you?

Why... why would you say something like that?

I wouldn't do something like that.

[Rachel] I have no evidence to believe that you wouldn't.

And I can't necessarily believe your fucking crocodile tears now.

You've been nothing but awful to the both of us.

I was just... I'm doing this for a reason.

I'm helping both of you. I told you that.

This wasn't helpful.

Thank you for the paycheck.

I appreciate that you've been following my work for the past five years.

I appreciate that you found me and hired me.

Thank you.

But you have given me nothing but stress.

You have done nothing but harm.

Whatever this gift that you were trying to give on behalf of

this girl Sydney...

I don't know if you honored her memory because if this is how you honor her memory

she must have been a pretty shitty person, too.

Don't fucking say that!

I'll say whatever the fuck I want.

You know, Jeremy, if you would have just... acted like a normal person,

maybe we could have been friends.

But you were the one that ruined that. Don't forget.

It's just a half hour left.

Just a half hour.

[a soft hum]

[Rachel] I don't want to write this.

But I guess I wanted to just make sure you know

that the night before you gave your final speech in class,

I was telling my friends that I was excited to see your speech.

None of them were in class, so none of them had ever seen you perform before.

So they were... they were making fun of me.

Um, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you that.

Your final speech was about your dad

and how he was your hero and and how your dad was there to hear it.

He he heard it. And...

And he was... he was crying, listening to it.

It was... it was clear that he loved you and what he meant to you.

And so... so I came up to you after class because I figured maybe I could soak up

something you were feeling and feel it myself.

Your dad came up and hugged you, and he gave me this look.

I... I don't know, maybe, um, I realize now

it was probably because he was interested in the fact that we were...

that we were talking.

And that night, Jeremy, I went home and I called my dad.

I... I didn’t have his number. I had to call my brother to get it.

We hadn't spoken in like three years... at that point.

He told me he was sick.

And that he was dying.

My mom knew! My mom knew and no one told me.

He'd been sick for a while.

Over winter break we met up for lunch and I was... I was still mad at him.

You know, I'm still mad, but I forgave him because I had you and your dad in my mind.

And that speech... that speech. I had you guys in my mind. And...

I forgave him. And...

He forgave me, too.

When break ended,

I sat next to you in the hallway where you always ate lunch alone.

I didn't... to be honest, it was supposed to be a one time thing.

I didn't expect to sit next to you every day for the rest of the year.

It was my way of saying thank you without saying thank you.

I didn't...

I didn't expect...

I didn’t expect that.

That's my fault.

It's my fault. It's my fault for believing in you.

Without me, you would have had... you would've had a steady job and a wife and kids.

You’d go on vacations. All of it. Everything. Everything would have been perfect.

If you would have never... if you would had never met me.

I never understood.

I never understood why you were the only there for me when my dad died.

You always made me laugh.

And that's...

that's when I knew... I knew that someday...

[deep breathing]