Original subtitles

the day we met you're the kind of girl I can't forget

still haven't finished yet but you make it hard

when you're soaking wet so

May 21st, Shermer College.

One fateful day spent in detention.

Five undergraduates.

Three dicks, two chicks with zero in common.

Before this day, we didn't even know there was detention in college.

Before this day, we were just five bad stereotypes.

To you, to each other, to ourselves.

But we learned that there was one thing that could bring us all together.

Welcome to detention.

I'm Dean Verna, and you are losers spending your Saturday in detention.

Well, except me. I'm no loser.

Maybe you are.

But you are sitting next to a calculator watch here, and he most definitely is.

And in this school, we teach guilt by association.

So, just maybe you are.

But especially him.

Have a seat, young man. You're tardy.

I don't feel tardy.

Okay, kids.

You're going to spend the next eight hours writing a two -page essay on just

the hell you think you are and why you're in detention.

Question? Yeah.

We're all legally adults.

And this is college.

Why is there detention at all?

Other questions?

Uh, yeah.

You know the hooker out back by the dumpster? The one who gives everyone

gonorrhea on smoke breaks?

Uh, does she know that you've been raiding her wardrobe?

That's detention.

Oh. And her name is Melinda.

Yeah, turn it up.

Yeah, to 11.

Teen angst.

Uh -oh.

Hear that, princess?

You know what that means? That means time to get it on.

You know what?

Why don't you watch your mouth around the lady, cunt?

Thank you.

You're fucking welcome.

Come on, baby, let's just get it on.

Gag. I can make that happen.

Double gag.

For that, I'll need help. What do you say, champ?

I know you're a team player, but are you a double team player?

You know what? As far as both of us are concerned, you don't even exist.

Well, I guess it's a good old menage a moi then.

Right, old buddy?

Keep it down in there!

Spoiled shit.

Hey, Princess.

Who would you rather do?

Me, or the virgin Barry here?

Who, me?

I'm no virgin.

Oh, sorry.

Clearly a stud like you has done more deflowering than Agent Warren.

No, it's not what I'm saying.

I've been with plenty of girls. I mean...

Women. Shit, you picked enough cherries to be an honorary member of United Farm

Workers. No, it's just... I don't really want to discuss it right now.

What, are you afraid of shocking her?

No, it's just... It sounds totally fake.

But when the barrel was recovered, the only thing left was his right arm and a

Hansel Bar mustache.

Wow.

Geez, are all residents of Honeymoon Waterfall border towns as...

as you are no not all but most but i think i've told you everything i know

the waterfall part and i mean clearly you're an awesome dude with a cool head

and not a dweeb and this memory is totally not fake maybe i need to educate

about the honeymoon part well this is supposed to be an educational trip so uh

educate away baby

story must have gotten you quite excited then that's the way you tell it

Get out of here.

Get all nice and fucking wet.

I took up all the procedures.

That feels tight at once.

That tastes good.

How about you get that cock in me then?

Come on then, get in his face.

It's so fucking tight.

It's so fucking tight.

Maybe I'll tell this story.

I don't want to get this stuck, you know.

Don't go mentioning names.

hard.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Right inside me tight little cunt.

I always say this is a position where you can just feel it going straight up

your cunt.

It's so fucking horrible.

Bullshit. What?

That's how it happened.

Bullshit.

God damn it.

This is detention, not a haunted hayride ice cream social.

No talking.

And why was that door closed?

Answer me!

No. More.

Tic Tacs!

Get on your essay.

Evening waste, Lloyd.

Blow me!

Blow me.

You like Saturdays here?

Because you just got another in detention.

Great. I'll pencil it in.

That all?

You free a month from now. Say, Saturday.

Because that Saturday and the one after that, your ass, is mine.

But I'm saving my ass for marriage. Well, bend over, boyfriend, because now

five. Had enough, bub?

Let's just make it a nice round number.

I like things round.

You're all mine for six Saturdays. You done making things hard for yourself?

Maybe you can make it hard for me instead.

Well, your new friends are certainly impressed.

Ooh, he's such a bad boy.

If only someone could tame him.

So the thesis of this particular ethnographic film was that they liked

wild. As a sorority girl, do you often find yourself going wild?

I'm not going to get in trouble just because you want to flirt.

Shut up.

Come on, how many beads for a peek?

Shut up!

Show us your tits.

Show us your tits.

Show us your tits. Show us your tits. Shut your mouth, sheep, or I'll have the

wires shut.

Look, I think we can all agree that some girls go wild.

And while a small subsection of those girls are in sororities, not all

girls... Shut up!

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Okay, if I show them, will you just drop it?

Yeah, of course.

Show us your bush.

You are a pig.

Show us your bush. Show us your bush.

Show us your bush.

Show us your bush. Show us your bush. I'm certainly going to pound your ass.

That sounds real tempting, Mitch Gaylord.

You're going to have to get in line behind the dean before you get behind

Show us your bush.

If you get me mad, you're seriously dead.

Seriously dead?

Really?

Couldn't I have a better nickname?

Introducing myself as seriously dead sounds like a character out of a Harry

Potter book.

Alright, I got one for you. How about two clocks?

And I'll show you how you got it. One by me clocking you, and the other you

clocking out.

Okay, two clocks.

It's a little more Dances with Wolves, but I like it.

Tick -tock.

Quit it!

Okay, I'll back off.

If Count Jocula here does.

Stop it! Shut up, Ginger.

This is between the two of us.

Well, if you want to get between the two of us.

Come on.

I'm a dirty rubber slut.

Know if you want to put it in me?

You can say anything about using a rubber.

Oh, come on, baby. I'm just trying to make you feel good. That's what you're

paying me for.

How much am I paying you again?

What, are you a cop or something?

Nah, baby. I just want to know what I'm paying for.

Well, 50 if you want a blowjob.

75 if you want me to defrost it.

150 if you want a little piggy dance, 250 for around the world.

Stop right there, baby. You had me at deep throat.

Okay, baby. Go ahead. Put it in.

Don't come in my eye.

Okay, baby. Here it comes. You ready?

Oh, yeah.

You have exactly half an hour to eat your lunch right where you're seated.

This isn't catered.

Excuse me, Dean Verna.

What about beverage service?

Or am I just supposed to drink this whiskey neat?

Alcohol? On a college campus?

Now that's the last straw. Come on.

you

Hey, isn't that the flask that Dean Verna took?

So what's your poison?

I fucked poison.

Well, Brett and Ricky only.

Unskinny bop is about me.

You're full of shit.

You weren't even born when that song came out.

Pam and Tommy watched.

So that's why you're here?

Because you lie?

Badly?

Why are you here?

I'm here today because, uh, my old man... That is fascinating, but

I heard that you were banging the pep squad.

It's complicated.

Is it?

Or... Are you just complicated?

I mean, you're put into this box where everybody's supposed to see you like

you're some big dumb jock, but really you're just a super compassionate guy

trying to break through everyone's preconceived notions.

mister.

You think you can shame me up like some kind of awesome sexy tiger? I got news

for you. You can't.

As dean of the department of disobedient but legally consenting adults, I've

crushed my share of students.

You're not my first and, well, ethics panel decision pending.

Probably not.

My last.

All you punks need is a little discipline.

So you think you're a tough guy, huh?

Well, I want to see how tough you really are.

Just like I thought.

Finally.

That's why I'm in charge here.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

God, it's fucking bad.

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Do you want some edamame?

No, thanks.

I just ate some, Mommy.

Want a smell?

No. Ugh, that's so mature.

And to think, I used to consider you uncool, but then you go on without your

stink fingers.

What was I thinking?

And where were we, buddy?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Psst! Wrestling has homoerotic undertones.

Lucky for you, I just ate.

I can't fight for at least a half an hour or I'll get cramps. Why don't you

bother someone else?

Boring.

You know what we need, kids?

Fear!

Go like this.

Now go like this.

What is this?

It's a double shocker.

Breaking the law.

Where are we going?

His locker.

Why? It's where I keep my stash.

My funky stuff.

Let's go.

Locked up for sissies.

And here is the funky stuff.

Hmm?

A record?

I thought for sure you'd have weed.

Still I feel it.

Damn it.

Not blocked.

No. Just me.

Dean Verna will eat you alive.

She can punish me as hard as she likes, but you're too pretty for detention.

Glad to see that some people can behave.

I'm afraid you're changing accommodations.

Upgrading to first class?

But I don't have enough frequent flyer miles.

Come on.

So, you really didn't learn your lesson, huh?

What am I going to have to do to put some discipline in you this time?

How about a handy?

No.

You know what you want.

And the only way to punish you is to take it away.

So, enjoy the broom closet, loser.

Hey, that hurts.

Custodial arts storage space, please.

So,

family

walked into a talent agency.

The agent says, sorry, we don't represent Family Act.

The mother says, if you'd only see our act.

Did you just hear something?

No.

A backward clown suit with a blue ribbon zucchini in one hand and a Neo -Maxi

-Zoom dildo in the other.

I definitely heard something.

The aristocrat.

What in the hell is going on in here?

I was in my office, and I heard a hubbub.

A hubbub? Yeah, a hubbub.

What are you giggling about?

Nothing.

Nothing. I was just commenting on your awesomeness.

Say, buddy.

Could I borrow a copy of generic funky music for dance montages?

You know, someone might start getting some nicer answers if you started using

pleases and thank yous.

Keys to the AV.

Um... Now.

Pretty please?

You know, The Audio Visual Club is not a right, it's a responsibility.

And when the sun begins to shine, I want

to be in that number.

When the sun begins to shine. And when the sun begins

to shine.

Thank you.

This morning I was all like, why am I even here?

Why are you here?

Why are you here?

Teen angst.

I'm here because I ate the class banana.

Teacher thought I was trying to be funny.

It was sexuality 101.

Turns out it was the banana they use to practice rolling on condoms.

Explains why it was so chewy.

I still taste sperm inside every time I swallow.

I'm here for tapping some ass.

Lisa Lester's and her friends Lori and Leslie, their asses were all tapping,

whole ass -tapping incident.

That was you?

It was after the game, and I was the only one left in the locker room.

That's when Lisa, Lori, and Leslie stopped by to congratulate me.

That was an awesome game.

Even though we totally lost.

We still wanted to thank you.

Is there any way that we can... Well, actually, your support's the best, you

know? Is there any way we can thank you other than jock support?

Nah, I gotta go do a few cool -down laps, but thanks anyways.

Aww.

And then I thought of what my old man would say.

Son, bang cheerleaders whenever you get the chance.

Actually, wait.

Oh.

That's detention!

My old man flipped when he found out.

Yelled at me.

Spanked me in front of the whole team.

Even the mascot.

Skipping.

Fighting cock.

Sounds like your old man and my old man should go in on group therapy rates

together.

Teen angst.

What would you do for a million dollars?

Who would you do for a million dollars?

Who would I do for a million bucks?

I'd do one of those pro volleyball girls.

They feel call and tan.

They could spike my balls any day of the week.

You're missing the point, though. What do you mean?

That'd be awesome.

I'd fuck a hot chick.

I'd get a million bucks.

The point is, who would be so awful that they'd have to pay you a million

dollars to fuck up?

Oh, okay.

I'd fuck one of those female bodybuilders.

Yeah, those dudes are awful.

What? What do you mean? They're super hot.

I mean, of course you'd want the million bucks up front, you know, just in case

she broke your spine while she was fucking you.

I'll never understand jocks.

I'd screw the dweeb over here.

Ugh, yuck.

Hey, I'm right here.

Do you have any idea how gross that is?

Hey, that hurt.

First, I'd handcuff him.

Then, I'd fuck him in the ass with a strap -on.

And when I made him cum, and I know I could make him cum, I'd force him to eat

my sticky...

Pussy meat stained panties.

Tempting, but no thank you. I'm a vegan.

That is fucked up.

Who would you do?

I don't really want to play anymore.

You started it. You have to play.

Would you fuck the janitor?

No way.

What about Dean Burnham? Would you fuck her?

Ew, her?

Who the fuck would you fuck then?

God, why am I even answering this? I mean, I don't have to divulge my

to just a group of strangers.

Strangers?

Strangers? We're detention buddies.

Are you made of stone?

Did our montage shenanigans mean nothing to you?

Yeah, come on, just tell us. I mean, just open up.

Princess.

Fine. Yes.

I guess I do just about anybody because I'm a big old slut.

You and every other girl at this college, this isn't the place to

sexually. Whatever.

You asshole. You're a shit.

It's a trap.

If you don't like sex, you're a prude.

If you hang out in alleys and...

Fuck homeless guys in exchange for cheap whiskey and shopping carts.

You're a whore.

That's so true.

I don't have time for another montage, so I'm going to get back to the closet

before the dean finds out that the brooms are hanging out alone.

See you later.

Later, man.

Later.

Rock, paper, scissors.

All right.

All right. Ready?

One, two, three.

What the hell is that?

What's that?

It's a dildo.

There's no dildos in rock, paper, scissors.

Huh. Well, I guess I'm disqualified then.

Yeah. But it's interesting. You picked paper. That must be a sign.

Let me know if you need any help with that.

I knew I should have went with live long and prosper.

Well, that's my cue.

There's a broom closet with my name on it.

Hi.

Hi.

I bet you always wanted those two.

You never admit it though.

Keep it open. Don't put your lips around it. Just fucking keep it open.

You like that?

Uh -huh.

Please. Please slide that cock in my mouth. Eat me that dick.

Shove it back inside.

Lick my fucking dirty little poop chute. Come on.

Oh, yeah.

You like to lick the dirty hole, don't you?

You like to lick the little fucking dirty hole.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

back inside

fucking jizz all over my fucking ass. Come on.

Show me how much you really like me.

Fucking cum all over me, please.

I just want to feel that fucking hot cum on me.

Come on.

Come on, my little cute goth ass. Come on, you fucking like that shit.

You're such a bad boy. Get all that fucking cum all over me.

Come on, you fucking whore.

Oh, yeah.

Give me that fucking jizz, please.

Don't you forget about me.

So.

Are you really a badass?

Are you just pretending to be tough until the right girl comes along and

you that she can love you no matter who you really are?

You want the truth?

The truth.

I'm really a very swell guy.

Good.

Stay right here.

What are you going to do?

Someone will want to show you.

What are you doing?

You know what I want, don't you?

Right there.

do this with God.

Sure.

Tight belts. I need

to go thrift shopping with

me soon.

Gotta get over this shit.

Thank you.

to come back to the dungeon next week.

So I can fuck you again.

Okay. You promise?

but you're a bad girl now.

I think bad girls do it too.

Brain,

if I could kiss you, I would.

Go on.

Get.

See you next weekend.

Do you pearl earring?

I can.

Sure you can. I think it's a fair exchange for the necklace that you gave

earlier.

Dear Dean Verna, we still think it's nuts to have detention in college.

And we thought you were crazy to think that we'd get anything out of it.

But we did.

We learned that there was one thing that could bring us all together.

That.

Sincerely yours, the Fuckfest Club.

I can't forget.

Still haven't finished yet.

But you make it hard when you're soaking wet.