Original subtitles

Just get it done and just do it.

Do it!

Bite down.

A little help, please?

Perfect. Thank you.

Hey, Carol, quick question. Would you sleep with my husband?

Wait.

Carol? Oh, I think I meant Caroline.

Good.

My tooth?

I think if you put it in milk, they can save it.

I don't think they can save this.

All right, I'm all set to go to Dillsburg.

I got you on the GPS, and I even satellite imaged you.

What? I feel flattered. And a little invaded.

Kind of like when Dr. Meehan compliments me during a gyno exam.

So anyway, listen, I was thinking maybe I could come to Brooklyn.

I could hop on a bus, no problem.

No, it's my turn.

I'm psyched to see where you live. Stacy, is Gavin normal, or do I have to

Harrisburg to get some of that city milk that doesn't have any milk in it?

Um... Oh!

Oh, dear!

Does, or does not, your Wi -Fi fly like an eagle right now? It does.

Bet your ass it does. You're streaming Brazilian butt porn in one window and

Danish soccer in the other.

I got you wired to the nips, man.

So why are you firing me? Because you ate every single one of my chicken

Oh.

I thought they were being offered as a professional courtesy.

But what about the money you owe me?

The money I owe you?

Here's $1 .50.

$3. Extra crispy. That's your bonus.

This is all dark meat.

Stay back, Stacy.

This beast has a hell of a temper.

Okay, what's going on? You got that nervous, gassy face.

I don't know.

I'm excited for Gavin to come, but the town's white trashy. My family's nuts.

They got that dead elk off the interstate, right? Not all of it, but

should take care of the rest. Look, Stace.

Dillsburg is a gaping, infected gash.

But it's our gash. Wear it like a badge of honor, like those mutants from

Chernobyl showing off their gills. I know. I love it here. It's just I don't

want it to freak Gavin out.

So what are you going to do? Put him in the root cellar? Pretty much. I'll just

make sure he only sees the good stuff.

Listen, Faith.

You can put a hat on a horse, but it still dumps in the street.

Sometimes the hat makes it happen faster.

Well, this horse is just going to hold it in all weekend long.

See if you work.

Fire in the hole!

It's doing the opposite of flushing.

Now, Gavin, listen.

I don't want you urinating in any pond.

There's this spiny little fish. It swims right up the pea stream and into your

fire mound. Got fired again.

Coming to Dillsburg.

Uh, no, you're not.

Dude, I've completely lost my mojo. I'm unemployed.

Lucy and I are finished.

Life is attacking me like an angry swan.

Swans are vicious. Look it up.

Come on, man. I gotta get out of Dodge.

Okay, fine.

I'll text Stacy. We'll figure it out. Just don't Archie me, okay?

Please, be cool.

I'm always fooled. When you get down there, make sure the mom likes you. When

started off on the wrong foot with your grandmother, she almost shut it down

before we got going. Yeah, she still doesn't like you. Yeah, but now I'm in

deep. My tentacles are everywhere.

I pay for her nursing home. I won.

Congratulations. Car keys? Listen to me. Do not get cute with any truck drivers.

They will run you right off the road. They have nothing to lose. They have no

family. Are you sure they have families? Not real ones. Only baby mamas in every

city. Worn them by the penises, right?

Yeah.

Hey, baby!

Hey, we're going out to the farmer's market on Route 6. You want anything?

No, thanks. But listen, I was thinking, when Gavin gets here, I want you guys

to, you know, act normal.

Normal? Young lady, I always act normal.

And your Uncle Brian has been doing so much better since he switched to the

looser shoes.

Who knew? Those bunions were literally driving me crazy.

That's kind of what I'm talking about.

I just want everything to go well.

I really like Gavin.

Don't worry, Muffin. We'll bring you back a nice ripe squash. Fresh produce

very calming.

And if that doesn't work, try Flip -Flop. They saved my life.

The further we get from the city, the more I can feel my sexy powers

I'm definitely going to hook up.

Maybe you'll get to milk a cow, which, when you think about it, is basically

getting a second base with a farm animal.

Why don't you save some of that great bestiality material for when you're

to impress Stacy's mom?

Okay, I think I'm good. I threw away a weird quilt and that photo of me winning

the blue ribbon for Scooby, so... That pig was your best friend.

And delicious. I know, but I'm trying to showcase a more sophisticated me than

the me who would have a pig for a friend and a friend for a meal.

Oh, they're here.

Great. He brought the other one.

Hi. Hi.

You made it. Yeah.

All right. Yeah.

Great.

Got my underwear.

So, this is, uh, D to the Ellsberg.

Nice house. It's like a house house, and you have a yard and hedges.

Hi!

Everybody's here. Hi, boys.

Hi, Gavin.

Hello, Archie. Good to see you guys again. You missed a terrific farmer's

market. They had a livestock auction.

Archie, do you have any idea how much bull semen costs these days?

Uh, how much? Oh, you know what they say. If you have to ask.

So should I put my stuff in Stacy's room?

Certainly not.

We may have put up new siding last year, but this isn't some sort of fancy New

York City brothel. Mom. Oh, I wasn't... In this home, our gentlemen friends

sleep on the couch.

Couch is great. Love a couch.

I also love your ride, Mrs. Pearson.

May I try it? No, she's not used to strangers.

But just be careful with her.

Gavin.

Um, so where am I sleeping?

You're with me. Prepare to feel pampered, like you're at the Y.

Wow, that's really powerful.

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, break, break, break, break!

Where's the break?

I'm all right.

I'm good.

Sorry again about the ATV and the lawn flasher.

The wall.

Well, that's why we used to have insurance.

Anyway, this is my hobby room. I call it the Fortress of Craftitude.

I'm currently working on a series of snowmen candle holders.

I call this one Three Ball McGraw.

My mom and her project. Okay.

This is my bedroom, and this is Stacy's.

It is off -limits to gentleman callers, always.

When Stacy was little, we used to knock goodnight to each other before we went

to sleep.

So what's the game plan tonight? I'm down for anything.

I'm going to cook you a hearty country meal, and then we'll watch a movie.

Or it is karaoke night at the Blind Alley.

Karaoke? Are you serious?

What's funny about that?

It's our favorite night of the month. No, nothing's funny about it. I just, I,

karaoke is what you said. I don't think we're going to go, Mom. We're just going

to lay low.

But, honey, we sing together.

And now Nessa can get us discount drinks. Yep, I'm bartending every other

Saturday night. And whenever Wayne's in the drunk tank.

I know, but, um, Gavin doesn't want to do karaoke, do you, Gav?

Uh, no. I mean, it's not really my thing.

That's fine.

We... I'll have our things.

And this one just isn't yours.

Well, you kids have fun. Thanks, Mom.

I have some.

Three Ball had an accident.

So, is this me?

Not quite. I'm in the big hog, and you are riding sidecar.

Heads up, I'm a bit of a night squirmer. Sometimes I fall out of bed.

You're kidding, right? No.

No, I'm not. But don't worry. Worst comes to worst, we'll just 96 each

That's a term I invented. It means sleeping back to back, head to toe.

I hear that's how Mr. and Mrs. Travolta sleep.

All that Tucker talk with Gavin got me thinking.

You know, when you're young like he is, think you're invincible.

You never lose your hair.

But the truth is...

Everything can go away in an instant. Or gradually, as was the case with your

hair. If anything happens to me, the important papers are in my desk, in an

envelope marked the day the music died. Okay, I get it. Can you just please

stop? Also, I don't want you to sleep with anybody else.

What?

Sorry, it's been on my mind.

Well, fair enough.

Then if I die first, you can't sleep with anyone either.

That feels a little different.

Fine.

But no one I work with.

Okay. Then you can't do it with any of my friends.

Done.

I think I'm kind of blowing it with Stacy's mom.

I've never seen anyone just like you before.

It's kind of refreshing.

You thought I was going to mess things up. You are to yourself.

Yeah, thanks.

Ah, you want her over. You always do.

Where's all that sweet country tale, man?

I feel like a pioneer arriving in Oklahoma wondering where the hell the

is. There is no way I'm letting Gavin go to karaoke nights. It's like Duck

Dynasty in there, except the ducks smoke meth and mom dances in that hoochie

dress.

You know that Gavin's just going to run for the hills. Who are you kidding?

I've seen you in dresses with half as much fabric and twice as much hoochie.

Did you know that Archie's got his own personal website?

It's been under construction since 2009.

Wow, that kid is a comer.

So, what do you think?

Wow, you look like Lady Gaga.

Hey, wow.

Mom, that looks so nice. Maybe with a cardigan or a horse blanket?

No way.

You look like a sexy ostrich. Well, thank you.

Hello? Hey, what's the name of that piano teacher you used to have?

Ms. Burke?

That's it.

When you die, I'm going to sleep with Miss Burke. Fine. Then when you die, I'm

not going to bury your body next to your mother.

I'll have her bones moved.

Too far, Pam.

I don't have time for this right now. Dad, feel free to bang my piano teacher

and Mom have fun digging up Grandma's dead body.

It's the wrong number.

Oh, look. I fixed three -ball McGraw.

See?

Good as new.

Thank you.

Stacy, are you really not going to karaoke at the bar tonight? Because if

not going, I'm not going.

No, Mom, I told you. Gavin and I have plans. We are staying here.

Oh, really? It's a lot of fun. They've got a dog who drinks beer.

Actually, I think that dog might be dead.

All right, there's a bar.

Let's go.

Try to meet some local honeys.

I am missing one of my favorite nights, thanks to you. I almost feel like

crying.

Flame fire!

Clean fire!

We're clear. We're clear.

I am so sorry.

First, you ruined my house.

Then, you ruined my night.

Then, you ruined my house again?

Maybe we should just go to karaoke.

Oh, fine.

We can go, okay? Are you happy now?

Yes. I'll go get my tiara.

Stand back real quick.

Clear.

Wow, this is it, huh? The crown jewel of central Pennsylvania?

Yeah. I can't believe it beat out the smelting museum.

The government's using cell phone towers to read our thoughts!

Okay, time to go.

And I am keeping your keys, Mr.

Mayor. Congress is robot!

Yep, sure.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Could you please get us some drinks?

Lots and lots of drinks.

Remember when I told you I thought I was blowing it? I'm definitely blowing it.

I lost the mom.

I lost the mom. Yeah, give me one second.

Hi, Archie.

From Brooklyn.

You couldn't handle that one anyway.

She broke the mechanical bull we used to have.

Great. They can smell the stink of defeat on me.

I'm painted, Gav.

You catch a lot more flies with honey, my friend.

Actually, you catch a lot more flies with decaying meat, but that is not a

viable dating strategy.

Come with me. Let's game play.

You ready for our number, sweetie?

No, I'm not singing, Mom.

Why not?

You have such a lovely tone.

Give me a high... Tom, isn't it enough that you dragged me and Gavin here?

This is totally embarrassing.

Oh, really?

And what else is embarrassing to Mr. Gavin?

Am I embarrassing?

I

don't

get it.

I'm the boss.

Let your new wingman handle it.

Excuse me.

Hi, this is my friend Archie. Now, I know what you're thinking.

Archie's the runt of the litter, and he is. But us runts, we have to fight

harder to get at the teat. But once we do, by God, we suffer due life. My

advice?

Give this little piggy a chance.

What's the quickest way to get drunk?

Shake hands with an Irishman.

I'm part Irish.

and my grandmother died of the sickness.

Okay, first up, you guys ready to start?

Gwen Pearson, where are you, Queen Gwen? Let's do it. Not tonight, Bobby.

All right.

Why aren't you singing?

I'm not in the mood.

Besides, the duet and I don't have a partner, because apparently I'm

embarrassing. Well, I'll sing with you.

That's okay.

I'm just going to sit here and quietly molt.

No, I want to.

I can sing.

I mean, not great, and I sometimes make weird faces, but I'll sing with you.

For reals, reals? Yeah. Um, Bobby? Yes? Queen Gwen is ready to take the throne.

All right, come on up, Queen Gwen, everybody.

Okay,

well, when I die, I don't want you to get a dog. Why not? Because Gavin and I

have wanted a dog forever, and you always say no. As soon as you're dead,

know what I'm doing?

I'm going to Australia.

Australia?

That's my dream.

You always said you couldn't handle the flight. I'll take a tranquilizer.

Get out, bitch.

Give me a shot and a beer, Ness. Or better yet, just give me a beer and

me. Everything I didn't want to happen tonight is happening.

Well, it's not so bad.

Sadie's just did a sweep, so most of the purrs are gone.

Oh, dear God.

No.

Baby, when I met you, there was peace unknown.

I set out to get you with a fine -tooth comb. I was soft inside.

There was something going on.

You do something to me that I can't explain.

Hold me closer and...

That's pretty cool. Sparks, those two are giving off are going to turn this

place into a blazing death inferno.

God, it's romantic.

Come tomorrow, she's going to want to scrub herself down with a lice -soaked

barbecue brush.

there and shut it for you. Look, I'm sorry. I don't want any trouble.

It's been a long day and... Hey!

Let him work it out. Don't bring it up, Brian. I wasn't going

to. Get her, Stacey! Splinter her in the stupid face!

Kick her in the boobs!

Choke her out!

Stacey, Stacey.

You okay?

Oh, come on. No one's even bleeding.

Oh, this isn't right.

For shame, Rachel. Come, put your bonnet on among the English.

You're Amish?

Sweet! It's on my bucket list.

Stacey?

Hey.

Ooh, you okay?

I can't believe you saw that.

It's humiliating. I can only imagine what you're thinking.

I'm thinking that this town is a teeny bit sketchy and...

Laura's a little trashy, and you... You're amazing.

Really?

Hell yeah.

And not just because you fight like a caged tiger on PCP.

Oh, I'm not normally like that, I swear.

Sometimes I am, so... Well, I'd like to think that if someone dissed my mom

or you, that I'd do the...

Same thing.

We should all get out of here.

Now.

Hey. Hey.

Are we still having the stupidest fight in history?

No, I won.

Listen, I was thinking about what you were saying.

And I don't want you to die without doing the things you like.

Does this mean I can buy a cigarette boat?

No, but it does mean that I can probably handle a flight to Australia.

Yeah, what would you say? Next year, you know, you and Gavin and I, we all go

down under.

Really? Yeah.

That's great, Pammy.

How about the dog?

You're a better shot with a boat.

Brian, my man, I definitely got my mojo back.

I played strip pool and sucked face with an Amish girl.

Wow, that's like two regular girls.

Proud of you, buddy.

Good night, partner.

Thanks for everything.

It was a pleasure singing with you.

Same here, Gwen.

I'm sorry about before, Mom.

You could never embarrass me.

That's okay, Button.

I'll see you guys in the a .m.

I'm going to go change.

This song is splitting me in two.

That's my mom.

That's my little girl.