Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: The sûreté was being besieged by reports

of mysterious flying objects in the sky.

These ridiculous stories must stop, Inspector.

These flying saucer fairytales must be traced to their source and exposed

before panic sets in all over Paris.

I understand, Commissioner.

I will dispel the utter nonsense of this whole seedy affair.

Pardon, monsieur. Do you have an appointment?

Look, Inspector. You must see it not to believe it.

It is my duty to warn you that anything you say or do

may be used against you.

Deux-Deux, get in here on the double.

This entire affair is beginning to take on a most suspicious appearance, eh, folks?

Sí, Inspector? You yelled for me?

Quickly, Deux-Deux. We must get aboard the next rocket to outer space.

INSPECTOR: Fortunately, there was a rocket mission scheduled for today.

Radar had locked in on the Commissioner's radium dialed watch

and had tracked him to the planet Urnova.

There is no scheduled stop at Urnova, Inspector.

However, we shall see what we can do.

The crew will lend any assistance it can.

(BIDS FAREWELL IN FRENCH)

Going up.

INSPECTOR: The crew looked very cooperative, although not very intelligent.

MAN: Trajectory secured?

Second stage separation?

Orbital velocity?

This is as close as we come to the planet Urnova.

Discharge passengers.

I don't like so good this falling thing

that makes me nervous in the insides of my body.

I know, Deux-Deux, mon ami.

But somewhere on this strange planet is a kidnapped commissioner.

- Sí. - Don't say "Sí, " say "Oui."

Sí. I mean, oui.

By the looks of these jars, someone or something

has the ghastly habit of collecting creatures from various planets.

- Disgusting. - I hope we don't get collected.

My infallible second sense tells me that the Commissioner is very close.

(TAPPING ON JAR)

Deux-Deux, stop that tapping while I'm trying to think.

But I didn't do anything. I did nothing. Anything at all. That's a promise.

(INAUDIBLE)

Sacré bleu, the Commissioner.

Holy frijoles. The Commissioner's in a jar.

How are we going to get in from the outside to the inside?

Or inside from the backs or upside... Oh, my gods.

(GRUNTING)

So, it is you? Put up your hands. You and the entire planet

are under arrest for kidnapping.

Now, come along quietly. No one will be hurt, especially me.

I will put him down on one count of resisting arrest.

If I knew how to count.

You force me to shoot, monsieur.

Watch it, buddy. Striking an officer is a very serious offense, you know that?

Inspector, arrest that thing immediately.

(GRUNTS)

Another time, perhaps. I must make another call first. A dieu.

A coward dies 1,000 deaths, Inspector.

- But he who fights and runs away, lives. - You are right.

And away we go.

(GRUNTING)

I meant to warn you, that creature comes equipped with laser beam vision.

Fortunately, I have a pocket mirror. And this will reflect the beam back to him.

(CHUCKLES)

Unfortunately, he also had a mirror, that fink.

(GRUNTING)

What do we do now, for sake's alive, Chihuahua?

I am racking my fertile brain.

(SNICKERING)

(YELLS)

Inspector, as your superior, I order you to protect my rear.

(SCREAMS)

Deux-Deux, as my subordinate officer, it is your duty to guard my rear.

Now, guard it.

(SCREAMS)

Remind me to reprimand you for dereliction of duty.

Sí. I mean, oui.

Hold everything! Look. Coming down.

- It is one of our spacecraft. - It is as I had planned.

They will land, we will go aboard and return to Earth.

(GRUNTING)

We seemed to have missed the boat or the rocket or something.

One question, Inspector. When is the next rocket due to land here?

According to my calculations, it will land again in about five years.

What? Why, you idiot. Can't I trust you with anything?

I will have you thrown in the Bastille. You will...

You will hang from your ears. I will have you...