Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: The entire affair began as usual, in the Commissioner's office.

You are to go to the Rue Skid Row and meet this agent.

He has information that your life is in danger.

What? I've read books about these secret agents.

They are immoral and untrustworthy. I refuse to deal with them.

Lower your voice when you yell at me.

Now get down to Skid Row without another word.

Yes, of course, Commissioner. Yes, sir. I'm very...

Yes, of course, at once. Please, sir.

You big pompous over-stuffed walrus.

I heard that. Now get to work.

Yes, sir.

This must be the place where we are to meet that agent, Deux-Deux.

Remember, these waterfront dives are very dangerous places.

Especially for policemen.

That's why we are in disguise.

So, keep your mouth shut, your eyes open and your nose clean.

(BLOWS NOSE)

What are you trying to do, attract attention?

You nincompoop.

I was only keeping my nose open, my ears shut and my mouth clean.

I just... I think I need an operation.

You know, in a place like this, a person could get his throat slit.

What it will be?

A banana slit. I mean split.

I don't know what I mean, you know. I wish I was someplace else, at home.

One banana. One split.

Thirty francs including the table.

Why don't you learn to keep your big Spanish mouth shut?

Sí, it's no fun being me.

And every morning have to shave a blabber's mouth.

Hello, baby. Where have you been all my life?

Oh, you're so strong and domineering.

I'll bet you've got a girl in every port.

But don't tell me about them, or I will get very jealous.

How about you buy me a little drink? No?

May I remind you that you are still on duty, Sergeant?

- Sergeant? - Sergeant?

(THUDDING)

(CRASHING)

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Remember my big Spanish mouth?

- Well, she's not so lonely now. - Quiet!

Concentrate on running.

INSPECTOR: A message from the elusive agent suggested it would be safer

if we met in Switzerland.

If anyone asks you, we are here to ski.

- Sí. - Not sí, ski.

Ski, señor.

Holy frijoles. All of a sudden, I'm skizing.

Five second ago, I don't know how, now I'm doing it.

I still don't know how.

I'm running out of Alp.

Help! Help!

Hey, Inspector, you're skizing down-side up.

Hey, Inspector! Wait for me!

On second thoughts, don't.

INSPECTOR: This indecisive agent next decided

it would be safer to meet in London.

What puzzles me

is why any sensible secret agent would want to meet us at 2:00 a.m.

in Picadilli Circus.

(TRUMPETING)

I say, governor, have an accident?

No, thanks. We just had one.

INSPECTOR: The elusive agent decided to meet with us

beneath the Bridge of Sighs in Venice.

Three jingle bells and all's well.

Silence.

Sacre pink. It can't be.

(EXPLOSION)

Well, don't stare, send up a distress signal.

INSPECTOR: Despite the primitive Australian transportation,

we were closing in on the mysterious agent.

He's just ahead of us on a motorbike.

This agent must have a hole in his lunch bag.

Mush, you big feather duster.

Don't eat that, that's a hand grenade.

- Run for your life, Deux-Deux. - Holy frijoles.

Shoo! Shoo! Go away. Go away.

(EXPLOSION)

INSPECTOR: On the outskirts of Nairobi, I had a feeling we were getting warm.

At last we meet, Mr. Secret Agent.

Secret agent? No.

Insurance agent, yes. My card.

You arranged all those disasters?

Merely to demonstrate the everyday hazards of police work.

This policy will cover you completely. Sign here.

I will cover you completely. With bruises.

(CRASHING)

Hey, Inspector, maybe you should sign the policy.

The... The pen, please.