Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: An emergency call took Sergeant Deux-Deux and myself

to the Rue Morgue section of Paris.

(SIREN WAILING)

The neighbors were complaining about a mad scientist.

It seems these experiments were creating interference on their television sets.

I am not crazy! They are crazy!

I don't sit around watching TV!

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

The Sergeant and I began a thorough investigation of this whole house.

Often in these mad-scientist cases there is a monster somewhere on the premises.

Hey, what is these monsters look like?

Well, mostly they're sort of horrible, like this...

(ROARS)

Holy frijoles! I want to go home.

Sergeant, what kind of stuff are you made of?

Oh, enchiladas, chili beans, tacos, stuff like that. Nothing fancy.

Personally, I cannot see how you can stomach that awful food.

If my stomach, she doesn't like it, she can lump it.

(BURPS)

I think she lumped it.

I better drink some of this seltzer water to put out the fire.

Now it's muchos better.

(BURPS)

(GRUNTING)

Deux-Deux, I think I found something.

These old secret-passage type walls are just the place to find a secret passage.

(GRUNTING)

(THUDDING)

(HICCUPS)

Hey, Inspector, did you find the secret passage?

Yes.

INSPECTOR: An obvious suspicion was growing in me.

Sergeant, you and I are not alone in this old house.

If there is another presence here, it might be upstairs.

I'll go search the cellar.

Get up those stairs and find that monster.

All right, sir.

I wish I was in sunny Barcelona.

I don't see no monsters. Well at least that's a good sign.

(BURPS)

(GRUNTING)

(HICCUPS)

Caramba, the monstruo! The monstruo! I see him! The monstruo! I see him!

Come quick! I mean stop quick! I don't know what I mean! Mama!

Deux-Deux, calmyourself.

If the monster is upstairs, we have him where we want him.

But I don't want him.

We'll seal the monster up inside this room.

(BURPS)

(GRUNTING)

There. I defy him to get through this door.

(EXCLAIMS)

(HICCUPS)

Hey, Inspector?

(KNOCKING)

What happened?

Shut the door, Deux-Deux, you're making a draft.

Here's a pistol, Deux-Deux.

Now you hide behind this door and if you see the monster,

shoot him through the keyhole.

But I don't like to be in here all alone.

Don't worry, I'll be right out here, hiding behind the curtains.

(BURPS)

(GRUNTING)

(GUN FIRES)

We've searched everywhere but the cellar.

He must be down there.

I could stay here and catch him when you chase him out.

We're in this together. You first.

INSPECTOR: Keep that gun of yours handy.

Carefully now.

DEUX-DEUX: I don't feel so good.

(BURPS)

(GRUNTS)

I found a light switch.

When I turn the light on, if you see the monster, shoot.

Do you see him?

Cunning devil, now I know where you are.

Well, take this.

(HICCUPS)

(GRUNTING)

(GUN FIRES)

Take that, you swine.

Sergeant Deux-Deux?

Somebody here is triggers-happy. I won't say who.

We're dealing with a pistol-packing monster.

I'll douse the light.

(BURPS)

(GRUNTS)

Did you hear that?

(HICCUPS)

(GRUNTS)

(BURPS)

(HICCUPS)

(GRUNTING)

Hey, Inspector, don't leave me all alone with this monstruo.

Hey, wait.

Wait for me! Hey, wait!

(THUDDING)

Oh, am I glad those crazy fuzz are gone.

They make a body nervous.