Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: The entire affair began on a Thursday evening

when I received an urgent call from the Commissioner

summoning me to Headquarters.

Inspector, read this.

"Tonight I shall add the Louvre to my art collection.

"Signed, The Blotch."

Do we have a mug shot of this Blotch fellow?

There is a photo of him on my desk.

I have never seen such a blotchy mess.

That is my wife, you fool! This is the Blotch.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm very familiar with this type of criminal face.

I'm assigning you and Sergeant Deux-Deux to spend the night in the Louvre.

You must guard those priceless art treasures.

And I warn you, no goof-ups!

Very good, sir.

- Did you lock all the doors, Deux-Deux? - Sí.

Don't say "Sí, " say "Oui."

Sí, I mean, we are the only ones here in the Liver.

Don't say "Liver," say "Louvre."

- Hoover? - Never mind.

Look at that. Some sloppy artist left a blotch of paint right on the floor.

INSPECTOR: Did you hear that, Deux-Deux?

Hey, there must be someone else here in the Liver.

I'll do the deducting, Deux-Deux.

- You can please go guard the stairs. - Sí.

Why anyone would want to steal a painting like that, I'll never know.

However, no one is going to steal anything behind my back.

(GREETING IN SPANISH)

Holy Tabasco, what a sore eyes for sight she is.

DEUX-DEUX: Me and the Inspector had a hard time

keeping our eyes on the pictures

because they were moving pictures.

First they move off one wall,

and then we turn our backs for just one momento...

Caramba! They move again!

Quick, block all these exits.

DEUX-DEUX: I block all the exits except one unlucky one

that I didn't see. I mean, oui.

So, the El Blotcho, he keep stealing the pictures, big ones,

and the little ones he got from the Inspector's wallet.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, boy. Was he ever mad.

All right, you slithery Blotch. Put up your hands.

Stop, you fiend!

Hey, Inspector, I got him!

Hey, Inspector, here's a picture of you!

And it's a good one, done by Rembrandt!

Quick, we'll trap him at the top of the stairs.

I warn you, Blotch,

one false move and I'll give you such a karate chop

that will split you in two.

Okay, you asked for it.

(EXCLAIMS)

(THUMPING)

Inspector, is this a good time to take a siesta?

Now, remember, Deux-Deux, be alert.

The Blotch is an insidious type that will sneak up behind you.

A thousand pardons, Inspector. I didn't know it was you.

- Who did you think it was? - I thought it was him.

Quick, give me your gun. Halt, or I'll shoot!

Hey, did you get him, Inspector?

INSPECTOR: The Blotch finally finished his dirty work,

but only after he had cleaned out the Louvre,

which, unhappily, left me to face the Commissioner's wrath.

You stupid idiot!

If those paintings are not back in the Louvre

when the doors open at 8:00 in the morning,

the French police will be the laughingstock of all Europe,

and you will never laugh again as long as I live!

INSPECTOR: I discovered that to replace 4,254 masterpieces

before 8:00 in the morning

was no easy matter.

(DEUX-DEUX WHISTLING)

Deux-Deux, would you please stop that whistling?

But you told me I'm supposed to be a whistling mother.