Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: The elusive smuggler Captain Clamity had always managed

to slip through our fingers.

So when we received a tip that he had been seen

somewhere near the waterfront,

Sergeant Deux-Deux and I rushed immediately to the scene.

Well, here we are, Sergeant Deux-Deux.

Now we'll get to the bottom of all this. Stop here.

(SPLASHING)

Oh, boy. It's just one of those bad days.

I should've stayed in the wrong side of bed.

Hey, Captain Clamity, you know what?

What is it, Crab Louie?

I think I see cops.

Cops! I hate cops.

You know how I hate them. You know how they irritate me.

And you know what happens when I get irritated.

(HICCUPS)

See? I break out in pearls.

Clam down, clam down.

After all, that is what we are smuggling, no?

Listen, Crab Louie, they may be pearls to you,

but they're ulcers to me.

(HICCUPS)

INSPECTOR: We soon learned about the smugglers' ship.

She was anchored just offshore.

Pull harder on those oars back there, Deux-Deux.

That ship look like it's about 10 miles out. And I want to reach her before dark.

- Faster. - Sí.

- Faster. - Sí.

Yes, I'm beginning to see her more clearly now.

You stupid fool. Are you going to sit there? We're sinking.

I go get a new boat. You wait right here.

(GURGLING) Next time I'll sit in the back end.

- This is close enough, Deux-Deux. - Sí.

Don't say "Sí, " say "Oui."

Sí. I mean, oui.

Ahoy, there! This is the police.

What do you want, copper?

I am coming aboard to search you. Drop a line.

LOUIE: Very well. Here she comes.

One more row boat coming up, or going down.

I don't know which end is up anymore or what to do about it.

Hold it steady, Deux-Deux, please.

Sí.

Say "Oui, " not "Sí."

Okay, okay, boss.

But, you know, I think I'm getting a little oui-sick.

That's "Sea," not "Oui."

I got enough sea already.

All right, all of you in there. Don't move. This is the police.

That was just a warning, copper.

I think the inspector must be, you know, one of those guys,

an underwater cover agent. One of those...

(MUTTERING)

This way, if I sink, you sink.

Sí.

There they come again. I knew they wouldn't give up.

I knew it! I knew it!

Don't worry, mon capitaine.

This time I fix those coppers real good, you bet.

(MISSILE FIRES)

Well, it's back to the dry-dock. Or the dry gooses.

I don't know. I'm going to call Mom.

Now, you understand, Deux-Deux,

this operation calls for absolute silence.

- Sí. - Shut up, you fool.

Not another word out of you.

Hey, Inspector, is okay if I talk now?

(CURSING IN FRENCH)

INSPECTOR: It became obvious to me that this case

did not present much of a challenge.

So, before I became bored with the whole affair,

I decided to close in on the culprits.

(EXCLAIMS)

That's a cold Luger.

Put up your clammy hands. You're under arrest.

Don't shoot! I'll tell you anything you want to know!

I'll squeal, I'll blab, I'll spill the works, I'll talk!

Just try me! Ask me anything! I'll talk! I'll talk!

This is a clam?

LOUIE: Drop it, copper.

Don't try to shoot it out.

You got no place to duck for cover.

That is where you are sadly mistaken, monsieur.

INSPECTOR: That will be sufficient. Now drop those weapons.

You heard him. Drop them, drop them!

Deux-Deux, dear boy, attend to the formalities of the arrest, please.

Sí, Inspector.

Okay, you hombres, your goose is cooked.

So don't fool around, because, oh, boy, if you do...

- Are you ready down there, Deux-Deux? - DEUX-DEUX: Si.

I want you to tow this ship into port as evidence.

Sí, Inspector. Aren't you coming down now?

No, no, my dear boy. I'm going to ride on this one.

Those little boats aren't safe.

Okay, amigos. Start to row pronto.

(CRASHING)

Holy frijoles!

The poor Inspector. He's sinking down in the sea.

Don't say "Sí, " say "Oui."

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)