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Tonight at ten, we're at
Westminster, where MPs have approved
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the first December general election
since 1923.
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They hailed it as the election
of a lifetime -
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a couple of years after
the other one they called
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an election of a lifetime.
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Which means they're probably not
talking about a human lifetime,
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but a mealworm or
something like that,
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which is stupid because everyone
knows mealworms can't vote.
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They can't hold a pencil.
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Early on, Corbyn and Johnson had
to go on this sort of game show
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where Boris had to mention
Brexit as often as possible,
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and Jeremy had to pretend
he hadn't heard him.
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Neither of them looked very
statesman-like.
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Corbyn had these off-putting
glasses, and Johnson was like
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a failed reboot of the Honey Monster
making a court appearance.
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It was like a Mock The Week special
where they kept getting laughs
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with their material,
but by accident.
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Does the truth matter in
this election?
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I think it does. And I think...
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LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE
..and I think it very important.
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While the debate was on, the Tories
changed their Twitter name
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to "factcheckUK", so they looked
like an independent
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fact-checking service.
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They got shit for that,
but to be fair
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it only fooled everyone who saw it.
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The Tories had this simple slogan
they kept saying over
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and over again...
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Get Brexit done.
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Get Brexit done.
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Get Brexit done!
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..which meant you knew who
to vote for if you wanted
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to get Brexit gone.
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People said Jeremy Corbyn's Brexit
position was hard to understand,
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just cos it couldn't be summed up
in a snappy sound bite
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or a short book.
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But it was really simple.
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He said he'd negotiate a new deal
then put that to the public
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in a referendum,
which he'd be neutral about.
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Then he'd subtract the deal
you've first thought of,
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fold the result in half
and multiply it by the Jews.
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What's the problem?
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There were lots of people
talking about tactical voting.
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To vote tactically, you had to
ignore who you wanted to vote for
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and instead vote Lib Dem, which
is short for the Liberal Dems.
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They're this sort of middle
filler party that used to be run by
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the world's oldest Doctor Who,
Winch Cable, until
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he regenerated into this Girl Guide
leader called Jo from Swindon.
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The Tories had the right-wing
press on their side,
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but Jeremy Corbyn had Momentum
behind him,
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which was ironic.
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Then the Chief Rabbi said the
Labour Party had a serious problem
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with anti-cementism, and
the next day Corbyn was interviewed
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by Andrew Neil, and he didn't
say sorry once.
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Or twice.
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Or at all.
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Boris Johnson was supposed to be
interviewed too,
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but when he saw what Andrew Neil
had done to Corbyn,
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he must've shat his own
arse up his back,
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because suddenly he was too busy
doing other things.
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Boris avoided everyone.
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He dodged Jeremy Vine in
the big Channel 4 weather chat,
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and when Good Morning Britain
asked him to speak to Piers Morgan,
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he was so desperate to get away
he hid in a big fridge...
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He's been taken inside,
into the freezer.
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You've gone into the fridge.
Excuse me.
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..which is the most relatable
thing he's ever done.
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To be fair, he was being furiously
held to account by the press -
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you only had to glance at
the front pages to see that.
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And he was brave enough to
appear on This Morning, which is
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a notoriously hostile environment.
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For Amanda Holden.
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One morning, a reporter tracked
Boris down and asked him
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to look at this shocking photo of
a boy sleeping on a hospital floor.
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But when confronted with this image
by an ITV reporter today,
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the Prime Minister at first refused
to even look at it.
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It's not fair to expect Boris to
focus on an interview with
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a suffering child directly in
his field of vision.
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He might be overcome with emotion
and just start laughing.
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So he did the decent thing and
nicked the reporter's phone.
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Anyway, in the last few days
the polls tightened,
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and Labour and the Tories were
neck and neck.
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Apart from the huge gap
between them.
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Boris Johnson leads the
Conservatives to a resounding
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election victory.
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When the result came in,
it was a landslide.
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The Tories won seats in places
they'd never even heard of
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and probably hadn't even stood in.
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It was clear everyone
in Great Britain had voted Tory -
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unless you count Scotland,
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which we probably won't have to
much longer.
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People said Corbyn couldn't win
an election if he tried,
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which wasn't completely fair,
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because it turned out he couldn't
win two elections if he tried.
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I will not lead the party in any
future general election campaign.
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Corbyn said he'll step down
next year.
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He'll probably go back
to his allotment,
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and alienate some sprouts.
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Then Boris stood outside his palace
and said he wanted
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everyone in Britain to forget their
differences and come together -
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be they Leaver or Remainer,
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letterbox or bumboy.
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I urge everyone to find closure
and to let the healing begin.
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It's a lot of power for someone like
him, but I'm sure it'll be fine.
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He'll probably look after us
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like we were his own children.
8951
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