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This programme contains strong
language.
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Hi. Morning, Martin. Hi, hi.
Morning, everyone.
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In the past, politicians had to
pretend to be nice
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and friendly, like an eerie
neighbour who just wants to
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talk, but now they've learnt
they don't have to be nice at all.
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Some of them overdo it
and say things that are so awful,
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it sort of backfires.
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I think we should treat women
the same as men, and that means
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if a woman is being a giant bitch,
I'm going
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to be a giant dick back to her.
Any questions?
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The news kept covering it in detail.
Everything about it was insane.
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Some people on the left didn't
like having these provocative,
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intolerant people around,
so they started lobbing milkshakes
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over them to test whether they were
lactose intolerant too.
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And usually, they filmed it as well.
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I think, technically,
it's called a cream pie video.
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There's a sort of middle ground
of unpleasantness that works well.
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You have to say or do
something dodgy,
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but not so dodgy no-one will defend
it, like a white bloke wearing
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blackface in the dark, you know,
something that'll divide
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and confuse people just enough
that they spend their time arguing
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with each other rather
than with you.
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Apparently, everyone's caught
polarisation, which is
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this sort of brain disease where
you're angry all the time.
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It spreads on the internet,
and there's no vaccine for it yet.
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And even if there was,
I wouldn't take it,
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because I don't believe in vaccines
any more, because of Facebook.
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What do we want? Brexit!
When do we want it? Now!
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It's all because of Brexit,
basically. It's torn people apart.
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My mate Paul's finding it extra
hard, because he's bipolar,
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and his upside is Remain,
but his downside is Leave.
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He's barely on speaking terms with
himself most days, which is
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quite an improvement, actually. Out!
Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
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Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
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I've got so used to hating
everything, I was eating
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a biscuit the other day, and I
suddenly thought, fuck this biscuit!
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You know? I don't want
a Bourbon cream.
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Fuck you, you crunchy fucking
cream-filled prick!
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Fuck off back to your biscuit tin!
And then I thought, what am I doing?
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You know? What have I become?
Who do I think I am?
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Who the fuck am I looking at?
Do I fucking want some?
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And I kicked the shit out of myself,
right there in the kitchen,
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really gave me what for, and it all
felt a bit better after that.
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But Britain isn't the only
disunited country.
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Since Donald Trump became
President in 2017 with no government
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experience - something which is
still true today -
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the USA has also been at war with
itself. Fuck you! Fuck you!
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Fuck you!
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Trump keeps doing
stuff like locking kids in cages
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and telling people to go back to
where they came from,
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which they can't anyway,
because he's building
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a wall around the country to
stop them from escaping.
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Donald Trump should be a hero
to a lot of people.
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He's really moved the goalposts
on how incompetent you can be and
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still keep your job.
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I hope they now go and take a look
at the oranges of the investigation.
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If he'd been in my office,
he'd have had at least one verbal
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warning by now, and he might have
been asked to go on a course.
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There was loads
and loads of coverage of it.
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House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
announcing a formal
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impeachment
inquiry of President Trump.
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The President responding on Twitter,
calling it "more breaking
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"news Witch Hunt garbage"
and "presidential harassment".
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Anyway, now they're trying to
impeach him, which I think is
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some sort of skin treatment to
make him the right colour again.
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The last president who got impeached
was Bill Clinton, who had to
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resign and was never seen
or heard of again,
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but then Clinton's crimes were
unforgivable, like doing hand
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and mouth stuff with a lady
who wasn't his wife.
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I don't know what Trump's
accused of,
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but I'd be amazed if he's ever done
something as bad as that.
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Anyway, it's not just in Britain
and America -
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everywhere on the planet's
totally polarised,
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except for the North and South Pole,
and that's only because
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penguins haven't got broadband,
so they're not on social media yet.
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I'm calling you a liar right now.
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Don't get me wrong - all this
constant modern hate is good fun,
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but it's knackering after a while.
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All my frowning muscles are worn out
and my throat's raw from shouting.
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Some mornings,
I can barely shake a fist.
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I think what I need is
a bit of a break, maybe tone
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it down for a weekend, spend it just
slightly resenting things.
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I need to recharge my batteries,
because in 2020,
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I'm hoping to hate the fucking shit
out of everything that moves.
7791
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