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This programme contains some
strong language
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The convicted sex offender
Jeffrey Epstein - once a friend
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of presidents and British
royalty is found dead
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in his prison cell in New York.
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Jeffrey Epstein was this
billionaire, who was into sex with
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trafficked underage girls,
and he had lots of powerful
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friends like Donald Trump
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and Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew.
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MASTERMIND THEME PLAYS
Anyway, this year, Epstein died
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in a freak necktie accident
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while one of his prison guards was
blinking for too long.
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His friendship with Prince Andrew
was on everyone's mind again,
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so Andrew figured he should
go on TV and just draw
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a line under the whole thing
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with a great big highlighter pen.
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It was like this one-off episode
of Mastermind, where his specialist
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subject was a dead paedophile,
and even though he knew loads about
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the bloke, everyone seemed to think
he got a lot of the answers wrong.
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You've been on his private plane?
Yes.
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You've been to stay on his private
island? Yes.
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You've stayed at his home
in Palm Beach? Yes.
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BEEPING
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It was a really clever format.
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He had to think up hilarious alibis,
and Emily Maitlis had to
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just try not to piss herself
or stand up and lamp him.
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I was at home,
I was with the children,
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I had taken Beatrice
to a PizzaExpress in Woking.
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One of his alibis was that he had
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been in a PizzaExpress in Woking
at the time,
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which is fair enough, because I'm
sure that would be extremely
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memorable to him. Maybe he had some
vouchers that were about to expire
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that day. Although for it to be
really convincing,
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he'd probably need to show us
some proof like the little menu
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he coloured in
while he was there or something.
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She described dancing with you...
No. ..and you profusely sweating
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and that she went on to have
a bath, possibly...
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There's a slight problem with
the sweating,
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because I have a peculiar
medical condition,
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which is that I don't sweat.
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He said he wasn't
capable of sweating because he had
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overdosed on adrenaline
when he had been shot at in a war.
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A doctor said that wasn't possible
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but they don't know everything
about how the human body works.
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I mean doctors still believe
in vaccines, and those have been
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pretty thoroughly debunked by this
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WhatsApp parents group I'm in.
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Anyway, when the quiz was over,
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he announced that he was
stepping down from public duties.
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I mean, it's hard to even
conceive of a world without
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Prince Andrew's contribution to it.
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That's Britain fucked now.
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The worst thing is, now we'll have
to hold a state funeral for
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Prince Andrew's reputation.
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And how much is that going to cost?
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Incredibly, Prince Andrew's
interview was only the second most
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catastrophic TV meltdown of the year
after Emmy-winning drama Chernobyl.
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There was this show about a place
called "Cherno-ball",
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about the sort of Russian factory
that went bang.
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I don't know what they made there,
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but I think it was bread because
they were all dressed like bakers
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in a sort of big kitchen, worrying
about the dials on their big mixer.
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You could see they were ashamed
that they had messed things up
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so much because they kept really
blushing like they'd seen
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what a mess they made and just gone
totally red with embarrassment.
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To be fair, they probably didn't
know how the machines in the factory
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were supposed to work
because all the manuals were printed
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in Russian, which no-one can read.
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When the main bread machine
bit blew up,
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it sent all this flour into the air
and loads of people who got
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exposed to it had a wheat allergy,
so they got bad tummies...
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..and came out in a sort
of nasty rash.
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WAILING
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It was a real scandal.
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I hope Hovis are watching so this
kind of thing never happens again.
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The whole area went radioactive.
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The scary thing about radioactivity
is,
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it's dangerous
even though you can't see it.
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Like when a paedophile
hides under a table.
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First, the explosion makes all
the colour bleed out of the sky
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so everything is grim
and depressing.
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Then there's Trevor off EastEnders
stomping around with
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his bits all hanging out.
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It was like, "All right, mate,
this is about a nuclear accident
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"but does it have to be
such a downer?"
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It turned into a zombie movie
but they were the worst zombies
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I've ever seen. They just kept lying
down and sort of crying.
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Agh.
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They didn't even bite each other.
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What was clever was it explained
exactly how a nuclear reactor works.
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With an RBMK reactor of the type
used at Chernobyl, there is
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something called a positive
void coefficient.
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Which is, it sort of has particles
in it and atoms
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and they sort of rub together.
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And then all the power comes out,
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but if you turn the dial up too
much, everything explodes.
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And I couldn't have told you
any of that before.
8344
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