Original subtitles

I've been doing the old weed farm for, what, four years?

So this is mad. It's taken a while.

KNOCKING

Who's that?

Stevie! Easy, brother. What's happening, mate?

You've brought all your stuff round.

Remember at the house party? You said that I could stay here.

Oh, what? When we were fucked? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you said that I could stay here rent free, as long as I want.

Erm...

Appreciate it, man! Nice one!

Oh, I'm so excited! Don't really remember that, but.

Flatmates!

Oh, by the way, is it still cool

to have this for my own room, basically? My bedroom?

Oh, did I say that, as well? Yeah. You said that.

You said, "Just have my dead nan's room." OK?

Cool.

CLATTERING AND GROANING

What's he doing in there? Chabsy? Yeah?

What you doing, brother? Huh? Yeah?

What you doing? Nothing.

Huh? Just chilling?

S'pose it is his room, now.

Miche?

Oh, for fuck's sake. Miche!

Yeah? Do you know where my jacket is?

Your what? I said, do you know where my jacket is?

Yeah, it's probably in one of the boxes, isn't it?

Are you just unpacking all the packing, then?

I don't think it's in that one. No.

No, no, no. No, don't. It's our last day! Don't!

Here it is. Nice one. Oh. All right. All right, cheers.

How are you feeling? Huh? Yeah, all right.

Big day today, isn't it? Yeah. Aw, I love you. Aw!

See ya. Love you! Yeah. See you later.

Bless him. Love you! Sweet.

PHONE RINGS

So do I.

Colonel Beatty of the second battalion. Huh?

Huh? You talking to me? No, I'm talking to Beats.

All right. Sorry about that. Yeah.

Hello, are you there, or not? Yeah, I'm here.

Not you! Beat! OK, it must be him down there.

Sad times, innit? Yeah.

I've actually prepared a bucket list for Grindah,

for our last day together.

Please, sir. After you. Oh. Nice, yeah.

Five-star treatment as always. Yeah.

Was it hard to narrow it down? Very hard to narrow it down.

But some of them are repeats, so if you see, there,

number seven's the same as number four, which is "blaze a fat zoot".

I'm going to miss doing this for you, man. Yeah.

Yeah, no. You can, but just don't put the seat back,

cos that's very much my thing. Yeah, no.

Don't think I could pull that off. Yeah.

Oh. That's what she said!

That's the sort of sense of humour I'm going to miss, man.

So where we off to, anyway? Where we off to?

It's a secret, bruv.

But how am I supposed to know where we're driving?

Decoydubz187@hotmail.com.

Fucksake. Go left.

Still not that dry, really.

Might just fast-track it a little bit,

just to speed up the process a little bit.

HAIRDRYER WHIRS

BANGING AND SHOUTING

What is he doing in there? Chabsy?

No, wait! Don't come. What's the banging?

Why...?

Moved the furniture around a little bit. Yeah, just...

What have you done with my nan's bedding? Oh, I threw that out.

Kind of getting in the way.

Is that a desk? Yeah, mate! I got loads of them, you know what I mean?

I maxed out on my Wonga loan,

and now I'm completely investing in this.

Well, this is actually, like, on record,

this is, I think, my 17th business, now.

On record. Obviously, off record, around 28.

I'm kind of looking for kind of, you know, very low skilled workers.

Exactly, so it's perfect. This is going to work, definitely.

It has to work, cos I've literally sold everything,

so a little bit, yeah, little desperate right now.

What's your phone manner like? Your phone echitect?

I don't know what that is. Like, "Hallo, my name's Stevie."

Oh, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah,! Telephone voice?

Yeah, I can do all that. Spot on. Got the job.

Welcome. OK. Sick!

Big day today! It's my last day in the salon! Aw!

Ooh, here she is! Miche!

Miche, this is Miles.

Miles, this is Miche. He's going to be taking over from you.

Hello. Oh! Oh! Foreign way! Lovely to meet ya.

Very continental. Yeah, you want to watch out for this one.

Oh, did you? What, about Jeff cheating?

Do you want to? Shall we... Get started? Yeah. Yeah. OK.

Lovely. I think when I go,

it's going to leave a huge gaping hole in everyone's lives,

and that's really sad for them.

Is it better to be the one leaving, then?

Yeah, it's definitely better to be the one leaving,

and they don't know what's going to happen next,

so you can make out like you're going somewhere really exciting,

whereas actually we're just going to Pitsea.

Miles. Your first gent is here. Oh, lovely.

Hello. Hi. Lovely to meet you. This is Gary. How are you doing?

You're in very safe hands. Come on.

I'm not sure that Miles is ready to do his first client yet, is he?

He's only just got here!

THEY LAUGH

Miles used to have his own salon. Don't worry, Gary.

Yeah? Yeah? Would you like a drink, my love?

Oh, I'd love an Americano, just black. Americano.

And a... Double G&T?

THEY LAUGH

All right.

Voila! Hey, check this out! Check this out! Check this out!

You know, of course, with me, Chabuddy G, it's all about branding,

and I put my face on everything, even the business cards!

Complete Tech Heads! We're up and running, baby!

So the name "Complete Tech Heads" came from just, I mean,

a lot of people used to say it to me, you know?

I'll be walking down the streets and they'll be like, "Tech head!"

You know? And I'll be like, "Why is everyone saying that?"

You know? And then I thought, "Oh, they're saying tech head!"

That's like because they see me with my Bluetooth,

they see me with my phone.

"Bringing your tech back to...

"..life." Ran out of space a bit, there.

But that's the slogan.

God, do you remember when this road didn't have speedbumps in it?

Yeah. They were the good days. Yeah. Decoy got it to 120 down here, once.

Remember that, Decoy? Yeah.

Was that in the Mark One, Decoy, or was it in this? I can't remember.

No, back then it would've been the Mark One, yeah.

Mark One, that's a classic motor that, innit?

Classic motor. Classic. Yeah.

Oh, man. Memories.

That's a bit mad, like. Ain't been here for years. All right there?

Yeah, it's cool.

What we doing here, then? Oh, I used to hate it here.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Fucking school, right? Used to say I'd amount to nothing.

Now look at me, like! Yeah. Fucking pussy 'oles. Exactly.

Do you remember you always said you wanted to graff it up? Yeah.

Should've done, mate. Should've done.

Well, guess who's in luck?

Oh, sick.

Listen, honestly, you give it a go, as a little present to me.

But I thought you'd wanna do it, as, like, more of an act of revenge.

Yeah, nah - was thinking that, but as soon as I thought that,

I thought, you do it, because it's still revenge

if I tell you to do it, so. OK. Yeah. Just do it quickly over there.

What should I write? Just write "fuck the system" or something.

You sure you don't want me to put your old tag up?

No! Don't fucking put my old tag up! Come over here.

My name used to be all over these estates.

All City King, they used to call me.

Fucksake.

I did it all. Straight letter hand styles - chrome and black, yeah?

Outlines, fat caps, skinny caps, 15ml, blammers.

What was your graff name? Oh, God!

OK, then, I'll tell you my graff name and then get arrested

for the million pounds worth of damage I've done all over London!

Beats! Beats! Beats!

Yeah, I shouldn't have gone for this font.

Just leave it at "fuck". Just leave it at "fuck"! Come on!

That's fine! Is that cool, yeah? Yeah. Let's go.

Decoy, start the whip! Start the whip! Start the whip!

Get a shot of that!

Still a powerful statement, though, innit?

One of the most powerful words known to man.

Oh! Tanya! You up to much tonight? No, nothing, really.

You? No, me neither, Tanya.

Not a thing in the diary. Yet.

Yeah, it's not a big, special day or anything, is it?

Will you be giving Miche a good reference? Oh, of course I will.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean...

London's loss is Essex's gain!

Oh! That's a good reference! Write that down!

That is a reference. Get that on the CV!

I'll put more than that. I'll do a whole letter. Will you?

Best junior I've had. Aw. The best what? Junior.

Yeah. Yeah, you know?

Here we go. It's Stevie's first day. So, Stevie. I'm nervous, actually.

Yeah, I know! It's quite a cool thing.

So what I've done is I've prepared a script for you.

OK, take the script. Why don't we try one?

A little roleplay, a little situ, OK?

Hello, I'm Steven Green.

No, no, no.

SINGSONG VOICE: Hallo!

OK? Let's try it. Try again.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

Hello? I'm Steven... No, no, no.

SINGSONG VOICE: Hallo!

Hello! I couldn't hear you smiling, there.

Look, when I say it, you can hear me.

SINGSONG VOICE: Hallo!

Really joyous. Let's try it.

Hallo! I'm Steven Green, and I'm one of the Complete Tech Heads!

I was wondering if you have any faulty or broken electronic...

Well done. ..items that I might be able to help fix for you today?

CROAKY VOICE: Hello? I'm really old! How did you get my...

COUGHS

..number? I'm dying!

Sorry, I...

Don't apologise. Don't feel sorry for them.

She's trying to manipulate you. No, I'm not sorry.

Um... Get her credit card details now.

Can you give me your credit card details now?

Oh, I don't know about that, love. Give me your credit card details!

Perfect, Stevie! Perfect!

What we need is cash injection.

We need the guacamole, the pesto, the moussaka,

The maricon.

the mascarpone cheese, yeah?

Cash. Yeah.

Perfect, Stevie. Well done. Sick.

Well done. Your dead nan will be really proud of that.

It's your last ever drive-through in Brentford. Yeah. Yeah.

Good nourishing meal, though, innit? Yeah, it's true.

You know the order, right? Yeah. I got this.

Hello, can I help? Yeah, can I get a cheeseburger meal,

20 nuggets... Yeah.

..and a cheeseburger chaser.

Anything else? Yeah, everything.

I need it no sauce. No sauce. Completely dry.

No sauce, yeah? Yeah.

And can I get four Cokes as well, please? Four Cokes.

Yeah, that's fine. Anything else? No sauce.

Completely dry, all of it. OK.

Thank you. Is everything right on the screen?

No sauce, yeah? No sauce. On all the cheeseburgers? Yes.

Yeah, since hanging around with Grindah, just, like,

he's banned sauces, basically, so we just have everything completely dry.

Yeah. I just order two drinks with every meal, now.

Just kind of get used to it, really. Help it slide down.

Yeah. Even Decoy doesn't do sauce.

MC Grindah.

Kurupt FM. Cheers.

Even they don't care any more. It's pointless.

Oh, here we go. Right.

Decoy, just confirm that they're completely dry, please. Hello.

Do you want any sauces with yours? No! No sauce. No, thanks.

No sauce. Thank you. I don't want my last day to be ruined.

Thanks. See ya later. Wait, wait! We've gotta check it first.

Let's check it. Ah, yes! Perfect burger.

Completely bone dry. Completely bone dry, yeah.

Try that. I'd lo-... Mm.

Oh, wow. That is lovely, innit?

Just a bunch of lads in our sales room. Yeah? Fantastic.

Oh, God. Oh. Hmm?

Haven't made much of a fuss, have they?

When Jackie left there was a home-made banner and everything.

There's nothing going on. Have they said anything to you?

No. You mean about you leaving? Yeah.

Is there going to be, like, a big surprise later on?

Oh, if there was, I wouldn't tell you, would I?

But no, I don't think there is.

Do you want me to ask Tanya?

Oh, you're pretending! Love it! That's good!

No.

Genuinely, no-one's said anything.

Double bluff. Brilliant!

Makes it an even better surprise

when you don't know it's happening! Yeah.

You worked it out, yet?

Not really. Famous bench.

Oh, yeah! Our special bench! Yeah.

Oh, the bench! The bench! I've slept there before.

Steves has slept there.

Decoy, of course, sucked Shanice from Epsom's tits on there

for two hours straight... Blazed it.

..but, most importantly, this bench is part of musical history.

It's where Grindah wrote the lyrics

to the infamous Monday Is The Day That We Roll.

Yeah. It just came to me.

Do you mind if we sit here? No problem. Good, thanks.

Yeah, we'd kind of like some alone time, please, if that's... Yeah.

Oh.

Quick as you can, as well, please.

Excuse me!

Nice one. See you in a bit.

It's amazing how your mind works. Literally blown away.

Also, a little thing people don't notice,

that I never mention Sunday on it. I didn't even clock that.

And that's because, of course, Sunday is a day of rest,

so, lyrical metaphor. Wow, that's just...

What do you reckon?

Is that a... Looks like a four. "Beats four Grindah?"

Yeah, I just can't really do the "and" symbol.

Will you do the lyric one final time? I dunno, man.

# Monday is the day that we roll

# Tuesday, we take total control

# Wednesday, take back the track

# Thursday, sit back, relax

# Friday, put it down the M-I-C

# And go to Essex to live with Angel and Miche

# Saturday, we wreck a man

# This is the end of Kurupt FM. #

Fuck, man. There you have it.

Last lyric I'll ever spit.

Is that a freestyle? Yeah.

Sort of. I wrote it last night, but...

What'd you...?

Decoy? What'd you think? Decoy!

Why you standing so far away?

You didn't say anything. What'd you think? About what?

About the lyric I just dropped? It's my last lyric I'll ever do.

Sick. Yeah, sick.

Memories.

Where it all began.

Stunning. Here she is!

Oh, my God!

You shouldn't have made such a big effort!

A good leaving do, the main thing is a surprise,

cos you want someone to be surprised and excited about it all.

Got to have a banner, cos they've gotta remember why they're there.

Cos it's their leaving do, and you're saying goodbye.

No banner this time, then? No, we didn't go for the banner this time.

Yeah, no. I can see that. That's fine.

Just open your present.

Got to have champagne, cake, nibbles, and a big night out.

Aw.

Abdi! There, brother. There you go.

SINGSONG VOICE: Hello!

Charlie calling from the Complete Tech Heads,

and I was wondering if you had any broken or faulty damaged goods

that I could help you with... Hello?

When you do it really fast sometimes it's good,

cos they don't know what you're talking about.

SINGSONG VOICE: Hello!

My name's Charlie, I'm calling from the Complete Tech Heads.

I was wondering if you had any broken or faulty damaged goods

that I could help you with... Hello?

Who's he on the phone to? Who you talking to, Abdi?

Is that a personal call? No, I'm fixing something.

Got to watch out for that one. Yeah.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Abdi! Listen, is that a personal call?

It's my girl. Let me talk to her, then. No, no, no.

Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Abdi! No personal calls at work!

I told you! No personal calls. Steve is paying for this call.

Steve is paying for your personal calls.

Am I paying for this?

Well, yeah, it's your landline, isn't it?

Steve is paying for the phone line at the moment, and, you know,

I'll reimburse him. Oh, you'll pay him back?

Yeah, I'll reimburse him eventually, you know?

With business, it's very complicated.

It's overflows, it's charts, it's profit/loss, it's net profit income.

So after all that, you know,

and we see at the end of the... at the end of the production line,

then, you know, I can settle the reimbursement then -

but, you know, he has to wait, basically,

and if he hasn't got a receipt for it,

then unfortunately I can't really do much about it.

Lovely to meet you, babe. Mm.

Good luck. Aw. Good luck to you, mate.

Cos you're going to need it with this lot, aren't you?!

Oh, careful, Miche! Your flowers. Mm.

They're just flowers.

Come on then. What?

Don't leave like this, Miche. Come on, you'll regret it.

Aw. Nice cuddle. Yeah.

Definitely going to miss her.

There'll be a distinct lack of wet-look French crops

in the area after she goes. Yeah.

You can save your crocodile tears, Susan. I'm not crying.

Yeah, that says a lot about you, doesn't it?

so I can't give away my secrets.

So silly!

Come on, Miche. Miche.

Bye.

Oh, fucking hell! Love this place!

It's lovely, innit? Iconic blocks, you know what I mean?

It is.

Funny to think that this all used to be mine. Yeah, man.

Madness.

Are you lot getting this?

You're getting us just from behind, here? Yeah.

So you can see the view and that? Yeah? Good. Good.

And don't cut till Grindah says "cut", yeah? Yeah.

Kurupt FM, innit? BOTH: The rest's irrelevant.

OK, cut. Cut there. Yeah.

Cut.

Just cut there, man. Decoy, come on!

SNIFFS

Decoy. Come.

Decoy, come on! Come on, man.

Let's get out of here, man.

All right, boys. Yeah. Sad times. Yeah.

Final curtain and all of that, do you know what I mean?

OK, has everyone said goodbye to their bedrooms? Yep.

Sad day today. Come on, boys. Hurry up.

Last day in the house, innit Angel?

Bring it all through. OK.

Bye, door. That's it. Go on, shut it.

I guess it'll be Dean Gaffney and his wife,

cos they're just down the road in Isleworth.

So, yeah, not quite as sort of young and fresh and current as us,

but it's still good to have someone there to idolise, I suppose.

Let's go. Come on.

You all right? All right, Steves?

Straight to the van. You all right with that, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. Daddy!

I meant to message you, actually.

Well, there was a little bit of a crossover, you know,

from the guys I was seeing, so.

Best had, yeah?

No worries. Be lucky.

That's everything. Cool. Good to go.

Yeah. Where's Beats? I'm going to call him.

Hello. Beats if you get this, I'm leaving literally now.

It's your last chance to say bye to me.

I've just got you a tiny present, just so you don't forget me.

Oh! Wow! Oh.

Micheymoo's Mems Box. Oh, thanks, Miche, that's great!

I'm not going to miss the intensity,

and I'm not going to miss the neediness,

and I'm not going to miss how much she thinks I'm her friend,

Oh, right. Oh, my brother!

From the weed farm. Skunk. We named the strain after you, as well.

Is it? What's it called? Grindah.

Fits perfectly.

Thanks, mate.

Do you have a lot of hopes for the future, then?

I don't have hopes for the future, really.

I think the best we can hope for, as humans,

is just that we keep the robots at bay

and enjoy what little time we have left on this earth,

cos it's going to be short.

Oh, Mum, you're crying! I've never seen you cry!

Leave it out, will ya?

KNOCKS Miche! Yeah? Come on, man! Hurry up!

OK, take care, darling. Bye.

Make sure you look after your mum for me, yeah? Yeah.

Are you going to go see Grindah, Miche, and Angel a lot, then?

Yeah, if I can. Might as well. Yeah. He's nuts, like.

He's saying that he's up for seeing me like three times a week.

Which is quite good. Roche? You're not waiting for Kevin?

He's not answering his phone. Leave it.

It's probably too emotional for him.

Little pussy 'ole.

Saying goodbye to your best mate

is something that you just think would never happen,

like, it's like losing an arm.

Losing my son and my best mate, do you know what I mean?

It's a double hit for me. It's like losing both arms.

I'll show you back, innit? I'm going forward.

Yeah, I'm going forward, though. Keep going.

Chabsy, come back! Got loads of space!

I love you so much! Stevie, I'm going forward.

He's going to go that way... I love you, darling!

Love you so much! Bye, Angel! Bye.

See you in a bit, yeah. Hip-hip-hoorah!

Grindah! Grindah!

Beats. You just missed him, bruv. Have they gone?

Literally just, like, two seconds. We've gotta get in the car.

Got to do some shit, babe. Come on, get in the car.

Take the short cut, yeah, Decoy?

Viva la Kurupt, like.

Obviously Beats didn't care that much, then.

Oh, don't be sad, bubby. I'm not sad.

HORN BLARES

My God, is that...

I think it's Decoy! Oh, my God! Pull over!

Get out of the way. Beats!

Bruv! Where have you been, man? I've been worried sick about you.

Sorry, man. I was getting a tattoo.

What? Yeah.

What? Is that me? Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, that is beautiful. I love it. Yeah, yeah. Aw!

Yeah. I got Craig on this leg. It's why it took so long.

Glad you could make it, man. Glad you're here, mate.

That's Chabsy, that tat!

One more thing as well, before you go.

What? It's on the list.

Final set.

I don't know, man. I already said that I spat my last bar to them.

Oh, yeah. Come on, hon. That doesn't matter, does it?

Yeah. Exactly. Is the radio all set up, Steve? Still?

Good to go, boss.

All of us. Me? I should do it? I'm going to go to Kurupt?

Yeah. Oh, my God! Let's do it. Let's all go back to Kurupt!

Kurupt FM, and the rest are irrelevant, like!

I'm going to Kurupt! You're Kuruption.

Quick! Rewind! No, stop ruining it, Chabsy. Come on! Sorry.

Here you go, mate. Oh, my God!

And the whole of Kurupt FM's here, as well!

This is a proper leaving do, innit? And they got a banner!

Oh, my days! Got you sausage rolls as well, for the rider.

You shouldn't of have. You know how much I love 'em.

Um...

I've known you lot for such a long time.

You mean so much to me. Some more than others, obviously, but, yeah!

I dunno what to say.

You know, you've never seen me live, so selecta.

Rock the rhythm. We can't wait.

Hold tight all the zoot blazers inside,

you're in tune to the last ever Kurupt FM set, yeah?

Going live to West London!

Don't. If you're getting into it

because you feel like you've got a calling,

from, like, the god of music, like, do it.

# G-R-I-N-D A-N-D

# B to the E-A-T, the G-R-I-N-D... #

Do you know what I mean? Cos what's the worst could happen?

Look at us now. Do you know what I mean? You could end up like us.

Exactly. If you work in, like, Matalan,

or, like, Carphone Warehouse or whatever,

like, completely silent but quite deadly like Decoy.

You're not going to meet tiny little Fantasys.

I'm saying, every one of these people makes us who we are today.

# Everybody ring me Brr-brr

# When I come down that's Brr-brr

Did Kurupt FM even exist?

It's become like folklore.

People whisper, "Oh, Kurupt FM. What happened to those geezers?"

# Sound like a pigeon that's coo-coo

do you know what I'm saying?

We've done everything we wanted to do. Like, think about it, yeah?

Been doing this shit for 15 years, yeah?

Day in, day out, with the same people, same tunes, same lyrics.

I think it's safe to say that Kurupt FM has reached...

BOTH: Legendary status.