Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

All right, so the reason I got you down here,

we are going to do a birthday countdown.

Oh.

Steves? Is it now? It's now. All right, sick!

OK, everyone, stop! OK. So three, two, one...

ALL: Five, four, three, two, one. Happy birthday, Grindah!

CHEERING

It's my birthday. Can't believe you lot remembered, man.

You literally just stood still. Come on, let's go.

Every year, we do a countdown on Grindah's birthday

to mark the start of his infamous birthday week.

Which, it gives us all a chance to celebrate Grindah

and just do whatever he wants.

Which is blaze loads, mainly, so it's sick. I love it.

# It's my birthday, day It's his!

# It's my birthday, day It's not yours!

# ..in a worse way...

# And I'm hotter than a beach in Turkey. #

Are you saying Turkey or Turkai? No, Turkey.

Country.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

BOTH: Happy Birthday!

Hurrah! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Happy Birthday!

BALLOON BANGS

Hi, babby, happy birthday!

Aw! Nice one.

INTERVIEWER: How old are you now? How old am I?

Age ain't nothing but a number, my brother.

Yeah, but you are still the same age as me and Steves, right?

Yeah, well, everyone says I look like I'm in my early 20s. So...

INTERVIEWER: What's your actual age, though?

What's my actual age?

I don't really... Do you know what I'm saying? 33.

So? 33. Yeah, but... Shit, you're older than me.

I look like I'm about 21, so... 33?

Yeah, he's 33. Yeah, you all are. I'm 32.

You look about 40 compared to me.

Is that some sort of X Box, PS? OK. We can share it.

You can play it sometimes if you want.

It's a dish. Yeah, it's a lasagne dish. Oh, cool.

Read what it says on the side.

Yummy. Yummy. Oh, thanks for that. We can have it in the new kitchen.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well done.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, oh, oh!

That's me.

# Happy birthday to my absolute best mate, Grindah

# Happy birthday to you. #

Oh, God, mate. Oh, what a surprise.

I don't know if you're up for this,

but there is a party tonight.

OK, party for the birthday boy.

Yeah, exactly. It's a bit of a drive, though,

Craig's uni lot are having a house party. I saw it on Facebook.

Yeah, no, I want it more to be about me today, mate, but thanks, anyway.

Plus, up until closing, we'll be in Planet Hollywood, knowing us.

Oh, Planet Hollywood, mate? Yes!

Oh, mate, he can't wait either. Aw.

So Grindah thinks he's going to Planet Hollywood for his birthday,

but I'm actually going to surprise him and take him

to this new, classy place. It's just somewhere a bit more grown-up.

I've checked, and they still do burgers, so he'll be fine.

Did you get any sick presents? Sort of.

I'll talk to you in a bit. All right, mate.

All right, sweet, bye. Bye.

I basically just told her, mate, I'm done, you know what I mean?

I'm leaving you. Was she fuming, or...?

No, listen, there's nothing she can do about it, mate. You know?

I'm my own man. I do what I want.

I very much dance to the beat of my own drum. Yeah, I ended it.

I ended it. Definitely. I ended it. Really? So, yeah, I ended it.

So it was on my... No, I ended it.

INTERVIEWER: We spoke to Carol and she...

She is the one spreading lies, man.

And that picture that she put out, that is not my dick. OK?

That's Photoshop fake news. That's not my penis.

OK.

I would pull it out and show you right now, you know that.

But I don't want to be arrested.

What it was, mate, um,

she couldn't keep up with me.

She couldn't keep up with me, sexually. Oh, is it?

Swinging, yeah, backing, backing serious heat down there.

Yeah. I'd love to have a massive cock, but...

It would be wasted on me, anyway. Yeah.

It's... It's a big responsibility.

More presents? Me thinks it may be clothes.

Yes, they are really expensive. And I thinks it is. Right? Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, I love clothes. Expensive, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, sick! White jeans with rips all over it. Yeah. Is that...?

Yeah, it's different, innit?

Do you hate them? Huh? No, no, it's just...

Come on, let's get them on. Come on! OK. I just...

There is a rip there. There you go. Wow! Look at your legs!

Loving it. Oh! Wow.

You look like one of the guys from Love Island.

Oh, my God, look at Daddy. They are a little bit tight.

So are you going to wear them tonight, then? Um, maybe.

So you do hate them, then? No, it's not that. I just...

Just still thinking about it. You do hate them. No, no, no.

Just say it if you hate them. Who is coming tonight?

Is it just me and the boys? Yeah, and Roche, yeah.

Just Roche and then we're coming straight back here?

No, I love them. Thanks.

Aw! I love you, my birthday baby.

It's quite mad, innit? Yeah, it is.

Where are they from? They're new, yeah?

Yes, they're new, Decoy.

They're better than your shit jeans, anyway.

All the young and growing men are wearing them.

It's called fashion.

Where is it? It's just up here. You're going to love it. Yeah?

All right, just remind me again

why we are not going to Planet Hollywood.

Because this place is even better. That's a ridiculous thing to say.

Yeah, nowhere is better than Planet Hollywood, Miche. Yeah, exactly.

I've actually never been to Planet Hollywood.

See? Even Roche wants to go and she hates fun, usually.

All right, well, wait, it's a surprise.

You might like it, a change. Yeah.

INTERVIEWER: So why do you like Planet Hollywood so much?

Someone's obviously never been to Planet Hollywood before.

Oh, God, you idiot, it's the best restaurant in the world,

they've got it worldwide as well. Yeah, yeah.

I love it and the burgers are just to die for.

Oh.

Where is all the, like, memorabilia and that?

You've been to Planet Hollywood before.

Come on, don't be silly.

Yeah, and they've got fucking Arnie's leather jacket

in a glass frame.

Yeah, yeah. It's sick. From Terminator. Yeah, exactly.

Do you know what you're having? Yeah. What are you going to have?

I'm going to have...

There's no film stuff. This is rubbish.

This place is shit, isn't it? What?

Do you want to look at the menu? Bruv, these are free, innit?

Yes, they're complimentary.

House salad?

Techno burger. Joke.

You are actually quite funny sometimes.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late. Carol is not... She's not coming, is she?

No, she's banned from my events. Come through.

You know I heard what happened, Chabuddy.

It's quite harsh when she's kicked you out. No, no, it's fine.

Let's not bore the guys with the details.

But, I mean, talking about the size of your private parts online.

It's completely out of order. Oh, God!

He's got a massive cock, apparently. What, him?! Yeah.

Four inches, yes?

What, that's how long...? Yeah, that's the average size, isn't it?

In the UK.

I think it's six. Four inches is the average size. And that's me, hard.

OK?

Who told you that? Ask Jeeves. I put it to Ask Jeeves.

ANGEL: I can show you. Can you? Perfect, Angel. No, please, no.

That's enough of that now. We have heard all about it.

And for you, Sir?

Um, can I get the steak and fries, please? Of course.

And how would you like your steak cooked?

Roche? Medium to well done, please. Medium to well done, please. Thanks.

And for sir?

Sir? Stop calling me sir. It's just burger and chips.

The only burger we have is on the children's menu.

What does that mean?

How about that? Yeah?

Two chips, two burgers and one roll,

because for the life of me, I don't need any more bread on this table.

Don't be in a grumpy mood. I'm not really...

It's not weird that I'm 33, no.

Why would it be weird, like, no-one else has been 33 in the world?

But you are approaching 40. I'm not nearly 40.

I'm nearly 30.

Let's round it up, I'm nearly 30. How about that?

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. So, yeah. Cool.

Thank you. Thank God for that. Look at that.

What the hell is this sauce? I don't want that sauce.

Ketchup all over it. I'll have your ketchup.

Pass it to you? Yeah, just scrape it onto there.

Perfect. Yeah, this is a good fucking steak, to be honest.

How about you, Kev? are you enjoying it? Yeah.

I sort of wish I'd got a couple of burgers as well.

Stick with classics, mate.

Yeah.

OK, so thank you, everyone, for coming along tonight.

A poem? It's not really a gift, but go on.

OK, so it's called

33 Special Things That I Love About You.

So it's one thing for every year that you've been on the earth.

Because, of course, you're 33 years old today. Wow, yeah! 33!

you look good for someone in their mid-30s.

I'm not in my mid-30s, I just started my 30s. OK. Ready?

So, number one, I love you, hon.

Aw. Number two, I love you just because you are you.

Grindah's a very passionate, emotional man.

You know, he's very in touch with his emotions,

so I've written him a birthday poem

just because he's written so many songs for me over the years.

Number 26...

I love how in the mornings you eat your Weetabix.

Because, like, This One is basically about me being the one for him.

And Get Out Of The Way,

that is like when he finds me annoying and he wants me to go away.

INTERVIEWER: Are they about you? Yeah, I'm basically his muse.

Number 32, I love you just because you are you.

Is that the same as 22? I don't know, I tuned out ages ago.

Finally, it's the big one, number 33,

I love how talented you are musically.

CHEERING

OK, that's it, that's it. That was really good, really good.

Really long. Yeah, just imagine next year, it will be even longer.

Shall we get another bottle of de pink wine?

Cos I've just come off my tag,

so I'm looking to get fully fucked and that.

No problem. Yeah, boss, make that two, actually.

I'm going to get fucked tonight as well.

Oh, are you enjoying the rose? It's really... Yeah.

Yeah, it's so lovely just all being so sophisticated together, innit?

Yeah.

I was thinking after this, we could actually go back to ours

and get some old photos of Grindah when he was all cute and chubby

when we first started seeing each other.

I just remembered, we've actually got plans for later. So...

I planned a whole fun evening.

Yeah, oh, God, that sounds well fun,

but we are going to a party, aren't we, boys?

What? Is it? Yes, we are. Are we going to a party? Yeah.

I thought you said you didn't want to go. We should definitely go.

Can I come? Of course. You're on the list. Yes! Sick.

Here's to that.

Oh, I bet Craig will be really excited

to see his dad and all his mates turn up, won't he?

Can we come, then? Huh? Can we come?

Um, yeah, at first, I was like,

"Yeah, it'll be sick if they come,"

and then I thought "Oh, Roche'll just ruin the vibe,

"and you've got to look after Angel, so..."

Angel, I hope you are grateful for all the times

you've stopped Mummy from being able to have fun.

Chabuddy, That is what I'm talking about. Yeah! Right, shall we...

Shoot off? Shall we shoot off? All right, thanks so much. Let's go.

All right, mate. Come on, then. See you in a bit.

You lot, come with us. Bye, mate. See you, then, mate.

See you.

Michelle, before I go, I just want to tell

a message to your mother, yeah?

All right.

Glad we are out of that fucking shithole now,

do you know what I mean?

Proper birthday teams now. Yeah, fuck that place.

Fucking hell, actually,

it might be a bit intense going there with these jeans.

No, they'll love that. Yeah? Sure?

Kids love all that shit. Yeah. Yeah, true.

Stevie! Yes?

Can you be my wing man? Oh, what, with girls?

No, for getting fucked! Yes!

Yeah! That I can do. Come on!

I've always enjoyed getting fucked, yeah.

It's one of those things that I'm naturally really good at.

Down it! Down it! Down it!

When I was sort of 13, 14,

I realised that you could pick up cans of Special Brew off the floor.

If you look, they're actually everywhere.

You can find, like, Special Brew and K Ciders,

if you want to save yourself a bit of money,

you can just down them.

Cos crackheads always leave a little bit at the bottom.

It's my birthday!

House party!

# Happy birthday to you... # Oh, no, cos he's actually...

# Happy birthday to you Should I just...?

Oh, I love this bit. They don't know what the name is.

What are they going to say?

# Dear me. # OK!

# Happy birthday to you. #

APPLAUSE

Aw, um, thank you, everyone.

Thank you.

I forgot about this bit. I know.

There we go. Enjoy! That is a big slice, mate!

For my big 33rd. Yeah.

Happy 33rd birthday, Miche! Oh, God, I'm not that old yet.

For God's sake. It's not that old.

You're not his real dad anyway. Let's get on this, Stevie!

Stevie, I want to try coke, tonight.

You know, like, it looks really cool in the movies and that.

This way. I'll take you to university, get you fucked!

Kurupt FM are in the buildings. Exactly!

Which way is it?

INTERVIEWER: Do you think it's weird a bunch of 30-something-year-olds

hanging out with 18-year-olds?

Not at all. Not when you all look 21. Yeah.

Not at all. Yeah, because we don't look our age.

K block.

That's what we are going to be doing later.

And also, you are allowed a stage age as well.

Which is 24, my one.

Yeah, mine is 25. Do I get a stage age?

Yeah, your stage age is probably about 14.

I'd say. Yeah.

Are you all right, yeah? It's in here. Oh, OK.

This is it.

Here we go, you guys. It's my party!

Oh, man. Yeah.

It's all right, isn't it? Proper birthday. Yeah, you know it.

Let's show them how the Kurupt boys get down. Yeah, exactly.

Do any of you lot know Craig?

No?

Right, I'm going to go find Craig, yeah? I'll see you lot in a bit.

Let's do it.

The music is a bit shit in here, innit?

I can't wait to see Craig.

There's his room. I can hear the Call of Duty.

Oh, Craig...

Oh, what? You lot seen Craig? Like, smoky eyes.

Quite fat, but it suits him.

He went out to get a Red Bull. Calm.

Calm, gee.

Stevie, find it. Like a sniffer dog, that's me!

Do you lot know where the drugs room is?

No. Coke, have you not got any coke?

Next floor, next floor. Next floor, come on!

There's Decoy.

Well, as long as you keep looking youthful like me, and you blaze,

and you dress right, then you are never too old for a house party,

do you know what I mean?

THEY LAUGH

What are you lot laughing about?

I'll always be going to house parties,

hanging out with young people and that.

Even when I'm an old man.

INTERVIEWER: You'll hang out with kids when you're an old man?

23 years old.

Don't leave me on my own, man. Why, what's up?

Just because everyone is staring at me. I think they all recognise me.

Oh, yeah, probably.

Panorama.

Wow! Do I...? I mean, is it...?

Can I eat it instead?

Just because I've got a lot of...

I've got a very hairy nose and so it might get stuck,

it might get stuck in my nostrils. Proper dense hair, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, if you just put it... And then just...

No, no, no. So, like, just rub it in the top there

then, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

Shall I try more? Yeah, take your time, obviously.

Yeah, Craig, it's Kevin, your dad. Um...

Yeah, I'm at your uni, if you could pick up, it's quite important.

Because I'm outside K block.

Yeah.

Steves. Yes, mate? I can't feel anything. You can't feel anything?

Have a little bit more.

No, no, I mean like my mouth is completely numb.

Oh, sick. Well, my advice would be to still have a little bit more.

Smells good, boys.

Is that...? Is that a bit of skunk, is it?

How long have you lot been blazing for?

Craig!

What are you doing here? It's so good to see you, man.

It's Craig. Just been chilling with some of your lot, innit?

Are you all right?

So how did you even know this was happening?

I'm still logged into your Facebook.

This is proper fucking weird.

How is it weird? You are old, look at you.

I'm not old. Look how old you are. Look, we look the same age, Craig.

No, we don't. Yes, we do.

OK, then, excuse me, who looks older out of me and him?

You. Obviously.

Yeah, well, you lot already know him, so that's cheating.

Let's go back in. Yeah, let's go back.

Do you want to see Craig's room?

It's amazing. Go and see Craig's room? Come on.

It's got a massive, the telly from the living room,

but proper close to the bed.

Stevie, you are just a free spirit, mate.

That is how I see you, bruv. That's how I see you.

No, no, spirit, man, come on, man.

I love... That's what I'm saying, brother.

Is your heart supposed to...?

Look at him, he is fucked. It's his first time.

It's making me gag a little bit, actually.

HE RETCHES

Here we are, then, home, already. Great.

What are we going to do now, then, cos all my festivities

have been ruined because I've got to look after you.

So what do you want to do?

Go to bed. No. I don't want go to bed now. I've eaten too much.

Come on. Let's do some packing.

We might as well use this boring time up with something useful.

I'm tired.

Well, hurry up because Daddy said he wanted that packed up

before he gets home.

Wherever Grindah goes, he'll make it, of course, you know,

he's amazing. He's one in a million, you know, he's a talented soul.

But, you know, it takes time

for everyone else to realise his talent, you know?

People didn't realise that Jesus was so talented

until so many years later.

And it's the same thing with Grindah.

We might have to wait another 2,000 years

for the world to really understand him.

Music is still a little bit jarring, though, isn't it?

Yeah, the music is fucking utter shit, isn't it?

Does the music play through that on to there?

Yeah, it's...

So I can put whatever I want on there? Go ahead, mate.

I've got an idea. What? Play the fucking video.

World premiere, mate.

World premiere. Yeah? You ready?

I'll show them about some real fucking music.

He is my son. Yeah, yeah. No, that's my mum's boyfriend.

Have you used any of them condoms yet? What?

He is a free spirit. He has taken his top off.

He doesn't care about society. He's... Fuck the government!

You're sick because, yeah, I'm a businessmen,

I've got all the fucking suits and that on you.

I don't fucking wear that. You've got your own style.

I wear what I want.

OK, everyone, this is an official Kurupt FM announcement.

Who likes garage music?

Keep talking.

OK, you are very lucky tonight. World...

Is it world premiere? Yes. World premiere of Hospital Rhythm.

Let's go! Run the rhythm.

If you could, sorry, do a bit of... Thank you.

Don't try so fucking hard after this. Are you getting that?

Are you getting that?

Just be patient. Just wait for the drop.

I feel that we probably needed the years of these weird freaks

Air Max trainers, is the absolute highest level of music possible.

# Crawl back to the shore... #

Actually, no...

I think that, yeah, no worries.

Everyone, if I could just get you to just please watch the video.

All these young kids that ain't got a fucking clue.

Do you know what I mean?

The way I see it, yeah, you can't really beat my generation's music.

INTERVIEWER: Doesn't every generation feel that?

No, but they're wrong.

We finally got it right.

Hello. Just look over there. You people in the back.

Look, there is a music video.

Hey! That's me! I'm in this! I'm in this.

I'm as young as any of you lot in here.

Yeah? And I know about real music.

There's still quite a lot left.

Why not? It's my birthday, isn't it?

So I might as well just have a little... Hm. Treat myself.

Cake. Mm.

It's going to be mad saying bye to this place. I'll miss it.

I'll have a bit more cake.

INTERVIEWER: So are you ready to move to Essex?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I think it's like sort of a bit scary,

but exciting at the same time cos, you know, we don't know

what's going to happen, but maybe that's a good thing, you know?

We don't want to get bored of each other and of this life,

so maybe it's good to, like, try something new,

and get even more happy than we already are. Hopefully. Yeah.

Steves, turn it off.

Turn it off. I don't want to hear it any more.

What I can do, yeah, I can put you in the music we do, yeah?

Any music we do, I can actually make you a star.

Because this one has already got 17 views

and it's only been on, like, two days.

INTERVIEWER: So are you ready to move on?

Yeah, um, what do you think?

It is what it is, isn't it? It is what it is, yeah.

Dug our graves, now it's time to lie in them. Yeah.

I swear house parties used to be much more fun than this.

Do you remember when we used to jump into hedges?

Yeah, that was classic.

I think Brentford will miss us a lot, yeah.

Brentford doesn't really have people like me, do you know what I mean?

Like, real MCs.

Everyone else has left and got jobs and that, yeah.

I stayed dedicated to the cause and I'll always be remembered.

It's fucking pointless, bruv.

We've been doing this for, like, 15 years.

I'm 33 years old, right?

I thought I'd be on my second world tour by now. It's just...

The music game is just dumbed down.

Maybe our music is just, like, too clever.

Yeah. It's too advanced for them.

Yeah.

It's going to be harder, like, you living in Essex and that.

Yeah, I know.

Like, I haven't been sleeping properly and that.

Is it?

I guess that's it, then.

Today is the day that Beats and Grindah

officially quit the music game.

What, do I have to quit as well? Yes.

Have you lot seen Chabuddy?

Steves.

Me and Grindah's just quit the music game.

What?

We quit. That's quite intense. Yeah.

I still might release all my solo shit

a few years down the line.

Yeah. Yeah. You shouldn't, like...

..sort of give up permanently. No. But you should, though.

Yeah, maybe it's been you lot holding me back all this time.

Eh?

Nothing, Steve, mate.

Nothing.

You must be freezing.

Stevie!

Stevie! Chabuddy.

Who was that geezer you were chatting to, man?

Has he got my top? Yeah.

Where has your top gone? That's what I'm saying.

We need to find the geezer so we can get the top.

Let's find your top. Let's find your top. Why are you soaking wet?

I don't know.

Craig! What, is he going to do the splits?

THEY CHANT: Craig, Craig, Craig...

Sh, keep it down, you lot, yeah?

Might as well help out, innit?

Nothing more important.

Apart from your mates and that, obviously.

Craigy!

Oh, mate, he's fucking got his arse out, and that.

Put it up, man.

Magaluf. UK, 15.

Right, where is Beats, bruv? Where is your father?

Where is your father?

What? Where is your father?

Where is Beats, bruv?

I'm trying to sleep.

We need to go, bruv. We need to find Decoy and that.

Brilliant day.

What a day.

The champions. Never get a firm like that again.

The cream-of-the-crop shit.

I don't mind endings, like...

There is no end.

There is no end, do you know what I mean?

All good things have to come to an end as well. Really, like...

Not really. Not really. Not really, though, innit?

Do you know what I'm saying?

That's a stupid saying.

All good things come to an end, yeah.

Because...

All good things come to an end, but, also, time is limitless.

Every ending is a beginning. Exactly. Like, yeah.

And every beginning is an end...

No, actually, that doesn't work at all.