Original subtitles

Oi, did you speak to Decoy about that thing?

Yeah, he said he's not up for it. Well, his loss.

You did tell him we'd pay, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He actually blocked me. Oh, useless. Yeah.

You coming up then?

Yeah, I'll be up in a minute, babe. All right, you hurry up.

Yeah.

Oh, and bring your pizza delivery helmet, yeah?

HE CHUCKLES

It's just a little game we play.

Are you two in love with each other then? Yeah!

I mean, look at us, do you know what I mean? Can you not feel it coming between us.

It's like sexual energy, chemistry, oomph, do you know what I mean?

Yeah. It's love, babe, innit? Yeah.

Innit? Yeah.

I mean, Carol always says pain is love, so I mean, if that's

what you mean by love then, yeah, we are totally in love.

What else do I say about pain?

That it's good for me.

Pizza man.

FROM OTHER ROOM: I said come on!

It's fucking cold!

Sorry, madam.

Who's been a bad delivery boy?

Me.

MUSIC PLAYS FROM PHONE Bit sick, innit? Yeah, proper.

Ah, fire.

No fire. Look at that.

Proper heavy, that.

# Bang, lyrical blow to the jaw... #

Professional.

People should be fucking loving this.

How many views have we got on the video?

Huh? Not even 100 so far.

17. Don't...

How much did that Stormzy one get anyway?

Like 70 million, I think.

70 million? He's not even as good as me. Yeah, I know.

HE SIGHS

Fuck sake.

Take this.

Oh, I think my asthma's kicking in again.

What, you've got asthma?

It's probably from all the shit loads of skunk I've had.

Can you get it from skunk? Yeah.

Fuck, I don't like feeling like this.

Yeah Grindah's taking the Essex news pretty well, yeah,

apart from the asthma attack,

and the fact he's not really speaking to me or Angel, is he? No.

No, he's stopped sleeping and eating.

Well, at least he knows we're moving.

Yeah, no, he's taking it better than I thought he would.

Hi, if you need any help just let one of my colleagues know.

Yeah, will do. OK, great.

Charlie, I'm just going on my lunch. No problem. Enjoy.

Hello. Charlie, sales team.

These headphones, interested? I am, actually.

Really good headphones, actually.

Very, very durable, pretty much unbreakable.

Really? Yeah. They don't look it.

Go on, try it. Go on, try and break them. Really?

Literally try and break them.

Go on, put all your force into it. Go on, bend it.

Really go for it. Come on. Yea, that's it, go.

More, more, more. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Yeah, I've actually got a new side business going at the moment

where I take faulty or damaged goods from Sonoda,

fix them, and then selling them on.

I'll take care of it. You get out, go on.

You know what I mean, at the end of the day, if they're broken, they're broken.

What use is it selling someone something broken?

Oh, clumsy girl. Oh, I'm sorry.

It's smashed, isn't it? It's smashed.

No, it seems to be fine. Really? Yeah.

That's what I'm doing. I'm not stealing it, you know,

and it's broken anyway, so what's the harm?

It's smashed now, isn't it?

Want to not, want want. What's the saying?

Waste not, want what, as they say.

THEY RAP

for the next one, it's a classic, yeah? Classical.

"YouTube, forward slash, question mark, V, equals, J, capital H,

"V-W-B-9-8-G-6-F-G."

Yeah, that's, "YouTube, forward slash, watch,

question mark, B, equals, J,

capital H, small V, big W, small B, 9-8, small G, six, small F, small G.

Please make sure you go and check. Thanking you. Don't beg.

What you doing? Fuck sake.

If they don't watch it you're fucked.

Why do you fucking say shit like that? Remind me again.

Sorry, man.

Are you ready for the move to Essex?

I don't even want to be hearing that shit, do you know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't want to be hearing I'm getting taken away from all my mates.

I don't want to be hearing

I'm getting taken away from radio, like...

Do you want me to give you the Heimlich manoeuvre?

That's for heart attacks, you idiot.

Well, who knows if they've even got bud up there.

What, and then I'm not inspired and I can't write lyrics,

and then, like, what? I'm a shell of a man.

So you need to go to recovery position.

Shall we put you into a recovery position?

Why are you talking like that Steves? You're fucking freaking me out. It's all right.

Just talk normally. I do recovery position every night.

What's that for? It's all right.

My chest is fucking tight, man. Get him through it, please.

I tell you what, let your knees buckle down. That's it.

And there we go.

Grindah, Grindah. What?

Can I do my set now?

Do what you fucking want, you selfish prick.

I'm having an asthma attack.

Shh. Listen to my voice, listen to my voice.

Stop fucking talking into my ears, bruv.

Carry me to the sofa.

Carry you, yeah? On three, yeah?

Give me your legs, give me your legs! One, two, three.

That's it. That's it.

GRINDAH MOANS

Oh, that's disgusting!

Chuck him down, Steves chuck him down. Hurry up.

GRINDAH SIGHS

Oh-oh.

My little sugar tits is getting ready for bed.

She's normally conked out around this time.

Are you quite experimental then?

If it's out there I will give it a go, do you know what I mean?

Cos what have you got to lose? Yeah.

I'm at that stage in life, I ain't frightened of nothing, am I?

No, God no! Not at all.

So I go out there, I'm like, "Yeah, come on, let's try it."

And if he screams a little bit, I say "Come on, just trust me."

HE SIGHS Just wait a little bit longer,

make sure she's definitely asleep.

You like that, don't you? Yeah. You do like it, don't you? Yes.

Yeah? Yes, ma'am. Ma'am?

Yeah, sometimes she makes me call her ma'am.

He loves it. It's the Queen,

and sometimes we do role play where she's Diana

and I'm Dodi, and we re-enact the whole car crash thing.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's really dark and very confusing, but good fun.

I like the Royal family though. Yeah.

MUSIC PLAYS

One more?

You done with that, yeah? No.

Why are you cleaning when I'm still in the middle of a mix?

I've got my probation officer coming tomorrow so I need to get rid of everything.

Oh shit. Yeah, bruv. You going to put all the equipment in your nan's room?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. everything's going in there,

apart from the tables, I need to make it into... What you talking about?

Steves has got his probation officer coming tomorrow.

Well, make sure you clean all this shit up.

That's what I'm doing, yeah.

No, cos if they see that we've been running radio again then we're fucked. Yeah, yeah.

I was just saying about the tables. Sort it out.

Like, I might try and do a little dining table set up with like the...

..tablecloth and shit. Do you know what you need, Steves? Fruit bowl.

Pretty pointless, but it's what people do, innit?

Yeah. Yeah, it looks good.

Are you nervous about the probation officer coming over?

Yeah, I'm a bit nervous.

Like, I've basically got, like,

all the equipment I'm going to be putting

into my nan's room, and then going to have like a little dining table

set up, so it just looks like a normal flat, basically.

What about the weed plants?

Just...

Probably just cover it up or something.

Nice one, Steves.

Take your records with you, cos that's incriminating as well.

So, Steves, let me know how it goes. Cool.

STEVES SIGHS

It's going to be a bit of

a long night, to be honest.

How's my brave little soldier feeling?

Beats messaged me. He said he's worried about you.

Oh. At least someone cares about my feelings.

Are you going to tell me what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

And if it was I wouldn't hold it back and not tell you for ages.

He said you had a panic attack.

I didn't have a panic attack, it's asthma.

It's just kicked in quite late for me. Well, maybe you

need to go to the doctor's then and get a puffer. Maybe I will.

Do you want me to go with you?

No, I don't want you to go with me.

Beats can take me.

This sofa stinks.

That's a good shout.

Do you reckon that's...?

Is this salt weird?

I could only find a salt, no pepper.

Let's see it without...

..and with.

Yeah, no, looks good with that. Looks like you actually...

For, like, eating or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Actually, let's just...

Yeah, that's good, I'm happy with that.

Right, I'm going to use your toilet quick time, all right? Yeah, man.

I'll just...

A couple of finishing touches.

I feel like the best-case scenario is that, like,

I just get the tag taken off completely.

Like, worst-case scenario, probably go to prison, I guess.

Actually, worst-case scenario I guess is being attacked with

a sharpened toothbrush and then raped in the showers or whatever,

that sort of shit.

But hopefully it won't come to that.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Fuck.

QUIETLY: Beats, she's here, bruv.

I'm not supposed to have anyone here. What shall I do?

All right? All right.

Fuck.

Hello.

Hiya, Steve, I wasn't sure if this was the right door

cos there's no number.

Oh, isn't there? Ah, somebody's stolen it then.

That's...

God, look what they've done.

All right if I come in?

Yeah, yeah, sorry. Thanks.

Beats.

Beats ain't answering.

What?

He's still not answering his phone.

You need to go doctors, or you're going to miss your

appointment if you don't go.

Yeah, well, Beats ain't answering his phone so...

Do you want me to come with you?

OK. Shall I get my stuff then?

OK. Do you want a snack or anything, bubby?

I know you get hungry. Yeah.

OK. I'll get a few things.

Eh.... What do you fancy?

Whatever. Yeah?

Custard creams. OK.

Charlie.

SNORING

What the hell are you doing? I don't know.

Sorry, I was just having a little lie down.

Just... How long have you been here?

Just ten minutes. Ten minutes, sorry.

So tell me what happened here? What's happened to your leg?

Oh, funny story, actually.

I actually got hit by a car going to the shop and back

before my curfew, yeah. Really?

Misjudged it completely.

Yeah, the boys play this funny game where they send me to the shop

and I've got, like, ten minutes to go until my curfew

and I've got to go there and get back in time.

No, not them.

Uh, just other ones that are...

Just...

I don't even really know them, they're just random boys.

So random boys that you don't know that you go to the shop for.

Yeah, no, I do know them, but, like, they're just...

Is there someone else here? No.

No that's not...

No, what were you hearing?

It's... No that was...

It could be the poltergeist,

cos we've had poltergeist activity here before.

Or it could just be your neighbours.

It could be the neighbours, that's even better idea.

Are you feeling light headed? It's hot, isn't it?

Don't. Aww.

Oh, bubby, I don't like it when you feel poorly.

Let me get you something. Do you think you need a snack?

Do you think you're feeling a bit faint or anything?

Don't want you fainting again.

Carrot stick?

Biccie?

Yeah. Bit of sugar, that's good.

CHABUDDY HUMS

Charlie, can I just grab you for a sec?

Yeah, all right.

Boss, killing it on sales, isn't it, recently?

Um...

Would you mind explaining this.

CCTV. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know you checked that. Just there. You see?

Oh, God. Yeah, she was a clumsy klutz, wasn't she, that one?

I think she's a local cracker or something.

She was mental, that one.

That's Mrs Pryce.

Why are you making her pour water on a laptop?

Oh, you know what it is?

Um, I was actually trying to stop her,

cos she was trying to do it and

I was being like, "No, don't do that."

You gave her the water and pretty much forced her to pour it.

Have you lost your mind?

Can we just check if that was me, cos I don't know...

Like, look, that looks a little bit...

He hasn't got the girth, he hasn't got the, you know, the child-bearing hips that I've got.

He looks a bit different. Of course... It's literally

me and you having a conversation.

Are you sure that's even you, cos you look a bit...? Of course it's me!

You look shorter in that one, you know what I mean?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises.

I've never seen anything like this.

Well, what if you didn't see anything? Hmm?

No, you won't do it again, cos you're fired.

Get your stuff.

Oh, that's just some of my stuff, erm....

Get out.

It's a pleasure doing business with you. OK, thank you. So...

Please, boss, just give me one more chance.

Let go of my hand. Please, I really need this.

I'm in a really weird relationship. She does things to me,

unspeakable things... That's got nothing to do with me.

..biblical things. I'm really sorry about this, madam.

You've got a discount code as well, that's great. Yes, thank you.

OK, so I'll just have that...

I'm really sorry about that.

Oh, this is great. I feel very positive about this.

Good, cos I can't read your handwriting at all.

Well, that's good.

Listen, we're going to wrap up quite soon,

but do you mind if I just use your toilet. Oh no,

the toilet's out of bounds at the moment.

It's... Out of bounds?

Yes, it's got a flooding in there.

Is it completely out of use?

Yeah, out of bounds, out of use.

So where do you go if you need the toilet?

Me?

Just in the sink.

What, the sink in the kitchen?

Yeah.

Get rid of it. What about number twos?

Yeah.

Where are you doing those?

I suppose in the sink as well, yeah,

cos you can just run the tap and break it up. Hmm.

Do you want a piece of fruit?

I'm all right.

Here, can you hold it or are you too shaky?

Got to have it cos I put the straw in, yeah? Well done.

Yeah, does that make you feel better?

Don't let it out.

Obviously when you're in the fed station, "No comment."

Like, if someone asks you how you're feeling, just go "Yeah, all right."

Obviously you don't tell them how you're feeling,

do you know what I mean? Cos that'd just be weird.

Why?

What, if someone goes "How are you?"

You're like "Oh, to be honest, mate, I've been going through things.

"Can we have a chat?" No, thanks!

Tony Zografos?

That's you.

Tony Zografos!

Yes, you've just shouted my name,

you literally didn't give me a chance. Doctor Pinkley.

Come on through. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Aw, you need me to come with you. It's all right.

I don't need you. Come on.

Hello. I'm Mich, I'm his wife.

He's my husband. OK. Yeah.

Well, I guess being fired gives me more time to work on

my business now.

Carol's going to go absolutely mental, mate.

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

Carol?

CAROL SHOUTS AND MOANS

Oh, right. Um...

I'll tell you what, let me...

..let me show you my workshop in my van.

Yeah come, come, this way.

What just happened?

I think Carol's probably just got a mate over.

He took his shoes off, which was nice, good of him,

and his jacket,

and his trousers.

It's quite hot today so...

Let's just give it 20 minutes, yeah, lads.

Just recently I've started feeling like,

get really dizzy and my breathing goes tight and my heart starts

pounding, and, yeah,

it's just sort of all signs are pointing to asthma.

Do you feel nauseous at all?

Not really, like, it's...

He said he felt sick earlier when I went to kiss him.

Yeah, that's other stuff, but, yeah, dizziness definitely.

Right. OK. It's just really short bursts of asthma.

Why don't you pop yourself on the bed for me, please.

Take your jacket and your jumper off.

Well, yeah, I'll take my jacket off. Go on, bubby, go up there.

Do you want me to come over with you? No, it's cool.

Well done.

And just take your jumper off for me, please.

That's enough.

I need to check your chest now.

Yeah, well, you need to go down and up.

Go on.

HE EXHALES

Nah, I'm not really a fan of doctors, like,

cos you never know when you're going to get one of those weird

ones that's obsessed with making you take all your clothes off.

Deep breaths.

Then when you do they're like, "Oh, cough so I can feel your balls,"

and then they leave their hand there for ages, and then

when you ask your mates they say it weren't like that when they went,

sort of, for example, whatever, sort of thing.

Deep breath.

HE EXHALES

How am I?

Sounds all right.

Are you under any particular stress at the moment to make it worse?

Nah, pretty sure it's just from smoking bare skunk and that,

so if you just want to give me one of them inhaler things.

I don't think what you've described are asthma attacks.

Looks like someone skipped asthma class at the doctor school.

But we're moving house,

so we've been under a lot of stress with that haven't we, bubby?

No, it's not, I don't get stressed. It's nothing to do with that.

And then there's all the music video stuff, isn't there?

So Grindah and his little friends, they've been making a music video,

but it's not got many views, he's been a bit sad about it.

That's because the internet's having technical difficulties.

so if you want your snack just let me know, OK? Yeah. Don't want my snacks.

OK, just call me if you need me. I don't need anything.

LAUGHING, KISSING

I'll see you later then.

You fucking behave yourself, you little sort.

See you later, darling. See you later.

Nice arse.

All right, mate.

HE COUGHS

All right.

You've got all that information?

I don't know why I'm looking at my watch,

just still getting used to it.

Yeah, I've got them somewhere, yeah. All right, great. Easy.

Oh, that's just... He's just my mate.

It's all right, we're finished. Yeah? It's fine.

HE EXHALES

Fantasy, this is Sue,

my probation officer, so...

Hello, nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you.

I've come round to hang out, actually.

Yeah, just normal... Two mates just hanging out.

Yeah, how you been anyway, man? Yeah, good man.

Do you want a piece of fruit? Yes, please.

Oh, look at that, gone for an orange today.

Good choice. Thank you.

All right, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Listen, Steven, you take care. Yeah. Don't forget that plumber.

No, definitely, yeah, I'll get that unblocked.

Yes, please, please do that. All right, take care, bye.

See you later.

Bruv, that was fucking sick acting, mate.

I didn't even want an orange. He didn't even want the orange!

Here you go. Oh, my God! You're a fucking sick actor, bruv.

Is she gone? That is mad.

Oh, Jesus Christianity.

Were you in there the whole time?

Jesus.

I thought I was going to jail at one point. Fucking...

Really? Fantasy comes in, he's got a record bag on.

I've gone, "Do you want a piece of fruit?"

He's gone, "Yeah I'll have an orange," like that, just quick thinking.

Did you? Yeah, I took one...

Maddest thing I've ever seen. ..from the bowl.

And next thing, she's just none the wiser, she's left,

she's thinking, "Oh these lot are just going to..." Wait, so, I'm just... Sorry.

She's thinking he's going to sit down and have an orange. Have an orange.

She doesn't think he's come round to... So you...?

But you had an orange? Yeah, I made it look like I was about to peel it.

Ohh, but you...? He's gone like that.

No, I was just rubbing it.

He's got a record bag on, he's blinded her with a fucking orange.

With an orange. She didn't even see the record bag. Exactly.

Did you actually eat it as well? No, no, we were waiting.

He would have done if she'd stayed. Exactly. That's sick!

Insane, innit? Ah.

I wish I thought like that.

# Bang, lyrical blow to the jaw

# Bang, lyrical blow to the jaw...#

Can I... No, what are you doing? ..pause it for a second?

No, no, no, cos the best bit's coming up, the best bit's coming up.

Me dressed as a doctor. Me dressed like your lot.

What do you think about the lyrics? Sorry.

What do you think about the lyrics? # Kicking man like Van Damme... #

"Kicking man like Van Damme." Do you remember Van Damme?

And then we do like a fight scene as well.

That's me banging Beats up.

It's very interesting, it's very creative. Yeah, exactly.

No, keep it running. No, hang on a sec.

Just stop there for a sec.

Can I suggest something? Leave that alone for a sec.

Do you want to take a seat, please. I get your vibe.

You get it? Yeah, it served its purpose.

Yeah. Apart from him.

Can I suggest that you've got a lot on your plate between moving

and your music career.

I think it could be psychosomatic.

No way, I'm not a psycho.

That's nothing I'm into.

People often find that it helps to talk about things.

Talk? Really?

You might even find that your breathing difficulties become less regular.

What? Why? Is that how asthma works?

So what, you took the orange?

Is that right, he took...?

Yeah, yeah, but only cos he offered. He's come in... Yeah.

..she's going, "Oh, who's this geezer?"

Next thing, he's sitting on the couch like it's nothing, having a fucking orange.

But he didn't...? You didn't have the orange? No, no, no.

Cos afterwards he said he didn't even want it. Exactly.

He was just playing along.

I could have taken a banana if I wanted.

That's jokes, mate.

Do you even like oranges?

No, not really.

No-one likes fucking fruit, really, do they? Only Tropicana.

Yeah, yeah. No bits.

That's it man, smooth. Do you reckon we should keep the tablecloth on?

It looks quite nice, don't it? Nah. No? No, chuck it.

Get rid of all that shit, Steves.

Yeah, Grindah, it's Steves.

Just phoning cos Fantasy... Just got that to sit on after that shit.

..we just had this thing with the probation officer,

she's leaving, Fantasy's come in, right?

And she's gone "Oh, who's this?"

I'm like "Oh, it's my mate Fantasy."

And then I've gone, "Do you want a piece of fruit?"

And he's gone, "Yeah, I'll have an orange."

Anyway, yeah, call me back. It was jokes.

What'd he say? Oh, it was his answerphone. Oh sick.

I just left a little message. Oh, he's going to love that.

I don't know if I really explained it that well.

GRINDAH EXHALES

What's happened, you OK?

Shh, listen.

Right, I know this has been a lot for you, yeah?

Like, but at the same time, like,

this has been a lot for me as well,

and, like, at the same time

I'm just annoyed that you didn't tell me about the flat.

So it's just...

Look, I just got Kurupt FM back up and running again, yeah?

Like, it's an important time cos of the music video and that, yeah?

And it just feels like everything I've worked for either

ain't working, or it's just, do you know what I mean,

like it's being taken away from me. So, like, that's it.

I just let everything off my chest, all right?

HE SIGHS

Right, I'm going radio,

I'll see you back at the flat later.

Love you, and never lie to me again, all right?

Whoo!

The way I see it, yeah, sometimes in life you just got to let

things out, like, tell people how you feel, do you know what I mean?

Cos if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that

holding things back and bottling it all down, like,

just leads to one thing, and that's asthma.

I don't wish that on anyone, do you know what I mean?

Here, chuck this in if you're doing a load, love.

Careful, it's wet.

You know, even if Carol is cheating on me,

I'm used to women treating me like shit.

It's one of my kinks, you know?

Aldona used to cheat on me all the time,

and she was the love of my life.

Did he put the helmet on? Huh?

No, nothing.

I think about who's really winning here, yeah?

I'm staying at Carol's rent-free, and now the sex demands will

be less, and being a cuckold is a small price to pay for that.

HE RAPS

And remember, yeah? Make sure you check out the new video.

Click, "YouTube.com, forward slash, watch, question mark,

V, equals, J-H-V, double W, B-9-8-G-6-F-G.

I was going to say, how was the doctors?

Yeah, no, it was all right, actually. Oh, yeah?

It turned out just to be a little 24-hour asthma bug, so all good.

is that all right with you? Yeah.