Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

Steves, 20 B&H, blue, slim Rizla.

And a can of Coke as well. And I need change for Roche.

All right. Wait, wait. Three, two, one, go!

Oh, mate, we've invented this new game

since Steve got the tag, right.

It's so joke. It's joke.

Do you think he's going to make it? Hopefully not.

Basically, he's got to be in by 8pm

or he gets in better trouble.

Yeah, so, at 7.50 exactly, we send him to the shop

with a fat list and he has to get back before his curfew.

Cos if he doesn't make it back, he'll have to go to jail.

LAUGHTER Idiot!

I'll take the stairs.

Yeah, no, it's jokes. But you did it.

Oh... Jokes.

Where is he? Where is he? There he is!

Stevie! Go on, Stevie! Go on, Steve!

Come on, Stevie! Go on, Stevie! Quick, quick!

THEY CHANT: Stevie! Stevie!

Oh, shit, fuck!

STEVES GROANS

Steves! You all right, mate?

THEY CHEER

Go on, Steves, straight into the shop, mate.

Fucking hell, that's the best one yet.

I've never seen anyone smash into a car. No.

That is fucking sick, mate.

Go on, Steves! Come on, mate!

THEY CHANT: Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!

Come on, Steves, hurry up!

How long we got? Fuck me!

THEY CHEER

There you go. Let's check it's all here.

Coke, fags, Rizla. Perfect.

Got your change as well. Well done, Stevie. Top marks.

Well, minus points for getting hit by a car,

so work on your technique for next time.

Yeah. All right?

KNOCK ON DOOR

What's up? WOMAN SHOUTS

No, I'll be back soon.

Day one of the shoot.

Why do we wait a year before making a music video?

I wonder why. So do I.

It's called creating a hype, mate.

Yeah, it's called being strategic. Exactly.

Plus having a webcam made me realise that my looks are wasted on radio.

Yeah, and Chabzi can get

loads of free cameras and shit from work, so...

That's probably the main reason, to be fair.

Amazing what they can do now, isn't it? Yeah.

With the technology.

Sorry, are you looking for a radio? Probably, yeah, could be.

Or whatever that stuff is there.

Come on, Steves.

I'm filming it, directing it, everything.

I'm doing my own lighting. I'm doing special effects.

He's doing special effects.

There's going to be a lot of explosions as well.

Yeah, shitloads of explosions, fire.

Is it? Yeah, I can do that. Mad.

Titanic kind of shit. Fucking hell!

I've got some props to make it rain. There we go, Stevie.

Just wait... Yeah.

And in the films, they actually use... Bruv...

In the films, they actually use water and milk

cos it shows up better on camera.

And that's... Oh, wow, what is that?

That's the skin.

That's great. Right, let's demo it.

OK. And action.

Oh, God! STEVES CHOKES

HE RETCHES

That's grim, man. Oh, it stinks!

Oh, it's in my mouth.

HE SPITS

Right, OK, let's make a music video. Eurgh! Let's make it rain.

Whassup, boys?

Oh, wow, that is a strong look. Do you like that, yeah?

Mm. Yeah, I've gone for a doctor, sort of Jean-Claude Van Damme look.

Yeah. Van Damme-age.

Yeah, the music video's actually going to be inspired

by sort of action films/ doctors/

the Fast And Furious franchise.

Grab a couple of slices here.

It's good to carb up before I shoot.

What are you doing today?

I said I'd go to Essex with Miche cos I feel a bit sorry for her

having to do everything on her own, you know.

What's going on in Essex?

Has she still not told him? Told him what?

For fuck's sake, I don't want to be caught in the middle of this.

Why, what's going on, Roche? Nothing, nothing's going on.

What, is Miche thinking about leaving Grindah again?

Cos if she is, I'll go fucking sick.

You know he's the ultimate man. No, no, it's not that.

Can you sit down?

Cos I want you fainting like you did

when I told you that Craig was going to university.

Fucking hell, that looks...

I didn't think I could look any better. I know, it's mad, isn't it?

I don't usually wear make-up but cos it's a music video shoot,

it's sort of allowed.

Make sure you bring out the cheekbones for the camera.

Yeah, course, I'll do your jawline as well. Yeah, definitely.

Turn your head. Mm...mm.

So, listen, I'm actually going to go and see a flat today.

What? Concentrate on me, please.

Yeah, but I just want to talk about where it is.

Miche, do you want your husband leaving the house

without a jawline or not? No, sorry. No, exactly,

focus on the task at hand, thank you.

HE SIGHS

You remember how Miche and Grindah have got to move

out of their block, yeah, cos they're knocking them down? Yeah.

OK, so, they've got to move. Yeah.

Yeah, so, they're moving to Essex.

Cool. Yeah?

What, permanently or...? Permanently, yeah. Yeah.

Cool.

Can we move to Essex? No fucking way.

Cool. Is that it?

Yeah, that's it. Cool.

You all right?

Yeah.

Forgot my sandwich. Just remember, don't say anything to Grindah, OK?

Cos it's not up to you. Don't get caught up in it. Yeah.

Just let Miche do that.

DOOR SHUTS

And action.

TOGETHER: Ra! This is dead MC on the floor

Who's that standing above him? Open your mouth.

He's got a microphone and he's pointing it in this direction

I think it might be MC Grindah

Who? MC Grindah... Hats on.

Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw...

Stevie, I need you on the floor now ASAP. Come on, quickly.

Right, Steves, go inside, help Chabud.

This is fucking important today, man.

I'm not going to let Grindah move to Essex.

We're going to bang out a sick music video

and that's going to solve all our problems.

How you feeling? You all right? Yeah, good man.

Fucking sick, innit? If it all goes to plan,

you can probably buy a house off this, innit.

Buy whatever I fucking want, mate, know what I mean, if this pops off.

'Cos they say that money can't buy you happiness.'

Well, that's complete bullshit, because money CAN buy you happiness,

you just have to be able to afford it.

Yeah, probably get a fucking rooftop pool as well if I want to.

Rooftop pool? Yeah, yeah. Like a little clubhouse, know what I mean?

Yeah. Next scene. What's going on?

Yeah, let's go. He's inspired me. Let's do it. What?

Basically, he said that we can't film in here.

Said the permission slip didn't come through. I faxed him but...

So what the fuck are you going to do, you donkey?

OK, fine, you know what?

I've got everything I want on here, I've got everything,

so let's improvise. Follow me, I know what I'm doing.

The whole video's based in a hospital. Nick a wheelchair.

Yeah, take that. That's good for props.

Only I'm allowed in it,

only I'm allowed in it. That's improvising.

Let's go, guys. Everything's going to be all right. What?

Yeah, I'm just saying, I'm excited. Yeah, yeah.

Can I use the wheelchair? No, Steve.

Where's Brentford then? So, Brentford's down here.

Brentford.

And then Pitsea. East.

Pitsea...

Where is it? Pitsea's up there. Where?

Pitsea...

Where? I can't see it. That one?

Yeah, it's off the end.

It's not on the map?

Well, it is on A map, it's just not on this one.

What other map is there? Well, a bigger one that goes further out.

INTERVIEWER: Are you worried about the move to Essex?

'Yeah, I am worried but I've got a tiny bit of hope

'that maybe it will be a good thing.'

Maybe it will be nice, sort of like a holiday where you never come home.

It's a lot of like farm, isn't it, a lot of green?

Very green, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's really green.

That's better - houses.

I'm worried about all the trees and that,

cos Grindah really hates countryside.

Still not told him then?

I was going to tell him but he was in the zone, you know?

They're taking the music video really seriously, aren't they?

I know, yeah. Kevin was wearing a sleeveless doctor's outfit.

Was he? Wow! It all seemed very professional.

Yeah, no, God, it's such a powerful concept.

What's the concept? Fighting in a hospital?

Yeah, but then the hospital is actually a metaphor for society,

apparently. Of course it is.

Let's go. So, what are we doing in the park?

This is my storyboard. This is the second location, right?

Looks a little bit like the back of the hospital as well, so perfect.

Sick. Don't worry about it. Come on. No, it's good.

'I think the best directors, they always have to improvise,

you know what I mean? Mate, listen, I'm a visionary.'

I'm Chabuddy G, AKA Steven Spielgirth.

So, Stevie, what I want you to do, OK,

you're going to be playing the character of the dead MC.

So, I'm just going to wear the MC hat. OK.

Look at that, it suits him, doesn't it? Are you sure it's tight enough?

Right, OK. Stevie, you're down there. Grindah, I need that one.

I'm the director. Well, I say action then. No, I'll say it.

You can say it with me. Right, everyone ready? Everyone settle!

Yeah. Settle! When I say settle, everyone needs to be quiet.

No sound. OK, let me know when I say action.

OK, no, I say action. No, but I say... It's my video.

We'll say it together. OK. OK.

So who says action? Me. OK. And...

TOGETHER: Action!

You just stay there. Yeah.

'I want to say my directing style is quite unorthodox,

'know what I mean? But also orthodox.

'I'd say it's complex but also very simple.'

Erm I'd say it's dark, it's light, it's Yin, it's Yang.

It's, er...

It's everything and it's nothing.

Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw... Cut!

What do you mean? We got it, we got it.

Are we not doing it all in one? No, we got it.

We got that bit, so now we're going to move onto the next set-up.

Brilliant. Stevie, you can start breathing again.

Fucking hell! Travelling!

Can you get a picture of me by the sign, Roche? Yeah.

Ah, pretend it's like your wedding. Yeah.

Here we go, time to see Pitsea in all its glory.

This is it. Yeah.

Yeah.

Essex isn't as glamorous it looks on the telly, is it?

They haven't even got 4G here.

Right, OK, so Tony, stand over him.

One foot on him. One shoe on the shoulder. Exactly.

And what I want you to do, I want you to run in when it drops.

Really, full-speed, OK? Yeah.

Shall I get a run-up? Do a run-up.

Maybe start near that bench. Cool.

Get a good sweat going. What about Decoy?

OK, Decoy, let me travel you out of shot, please, thank you.

Travelling. For the whole thing? Yeah, watch your backs.

Watch your backs. Keep going. Travelling.

Get him out of shot. Watch your backs, watch your backs.

OK, perfect, perfect. Chabzi from here, yeah?

Yeah, you go my second action. OK. No, actually...

You go on my first... OK, got it?

So, who's saying action? Me.

You go on Tony's action, Tony you go on my action.

OK, I'll go on your action,

but I will say action in my head, so I know.

OK, you go on my action then. Kevin, you gone on Tony's action.

I'll probably say action, then I'll run.

No, cos I'll already be started by then.

Whose action do I hold my breath on? You don't talk.

OK, everything crystal clear? Cool, shall we...?

OK, we're going, yeah? Sh!

OK? Yeah.

Action.

Is that for me? Action.

No, no. Wait for the drop.

Wait for the drop.

So, who's action am I going on?

OK, action.

Action. Stay there.

MUSIC TRACK PLAYS

Action, Kevin.

MUSIC TRACK PLAYS

Lyrical blow to the jaw

Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

There's an MC down on the floor...

Cut! Let's move to the next scene, come on.

Travelling. OK. Watch your backs.

Oh, here we go.

Pitsea Market. This is... Are we in the wrong place?

No, it's just it's only on Wednesdays and Saturdays, so...

There's just concrete everywhere.

Yeah, that's just cos there's no market stalls yet,

but if it was, you'd be able to buy, like...

What? Knickers.

You by your underwear from the market? Well, you can, can't you?

What's wrong with that? Disgusting, Roche!

OK, Stevie, let's start the waterworks.

Oh, fucking hell. Jesus. And playback.

Right. Action!

MUSIC TRACK PLAYS

Get them really wet.

Really, really wet, Stevie. Wetter! OK.

Everything looks better when you're wet, man.

Aim for the air hole.

Put it in the air hole. And his back, down his back.

Fuck, what is this stink, man? It smells like fucking foot!

Are you wearing make-up, mate? No.

It's professional make-up. It's for music videos. Nothing wrong with it.

Cos your face is smudging. Yeah?

Erm, can I get some...? Yeah.

OK, cut! I just need to go for a piss quickly.

I'm just going to go for a piss quickly as well, yeah.

OK, artists travelling. Going for wee-wee.

Can we have a zoot break, Chabzi? Yes, you can have a zoot break.

Artists travelling, they're going for wee-wee.

Stevie's going for a zootie.

OK, good. Decoy, liking the light work, very good.

Just keep it consistently,

cos I can see you're smoking a zoot as well.

Just keep it professional, mate, OK? Right?

Artists, how you doing? Yeah, yeah.

Just shaking. Come on, we're losing the light, guys, come on.

We're on a tight schedule. Travelling, please.

Let's go. Come on, quickly.

Action! Seconds away, seconds away.

Seven seconds away.

Let's go, action.

OK, action. Action.

Eyebrows looking strong, I like them.

MUSIC TRACK PLAYS

Right in the face. Right in the face.

Are you sure this is going to look good, yeah?

Yeah, it's going to look amazing.

Argh! Fucking hell! What the fuck are you doing?

Don't get the heaving in. No, that actually adds to it. OK.

Oh, Hair Oasis. That's it. Is that it?

It's award-winning, Roche. Is it?

It's actually award-winning, yeah. It's quite a big deal.

Yeah, it's got it on the window. Yeah, it's amazing.

So, I'm just going to go in, introduce myself

and then I'm just going to give them my...

..CV. Oh, that is...that's amazing.

Yeah, THAT should be award-winning, shouldn't it? Yeah.

Do you want to have a closer look? Sure.

Yeah, it's great, well done. Sorry, hon, do you mind waiting outside?

I'll take that. Like a dog?

Yeah, no, of course,

you don't want them wondering who your random mate is.

Exactly, cos it might make me look bad

if I say I'm into hair and beauty

and then they see you. Might be a bit confusing.

Oh, yeah, right. I'll just stand out here and face the wall then.

No, you don't need to do that, hon. Maybe just avoid the window, yeah?

Wish me luck. Good luck.

Hello. Hi.

So, my name is Michelle Louise Zagrafos.

And, erm, this is my CV. OK.

A good example of my work is my own hair,

which I'll just show you there.

I did that all myself.

Yeah, so...

Great to meet you. Thanks. I look forward to hearing from you.

Good, good. Yes. MUSIC TRACK PLAYS

This is a tracking shot, a tracking shot.

Decoy, push me back, pull me back now.

Pull me back.

Nice, nice.

BEATS AND GRINDAH RAP OVER MUSIC TRACK

That's it. Get the light, get the light.

Look at the MC, he's lying on the floor.

Yeah! Come on! GRINDAH SHOUTS

Come on, more, coming from you.

BEATS SHOUTS Yeah, nice.

Tense. Nice.

You're getting this, yeah? Yeah. How are we looking?

It's looking really, really good. Sick, yeah?

Listen, I had an idea, yeah. Yeah.

Maybe, for, like, the female audience, yeah? Yeah.

Can we see a bit more skin? I've already got the arms on show.

Maybe take your top off, you know. No, that's something I don't do.

Erm, Beats, you have to take one for the team. Get your top off.

Think about for the chicks. What? Yeah.

I don't even have sex topless.

Don't care, mate. Do you want this video to go well or not?

Yes. Sweet, take your top off.

OK, great, we're going to get a bit of skin. Love it, love it!

'I haven't actually seen any of Chabudzi's videos yet,

but from what he's explaining, they do sound actually quite sick.

Top's coming off now. Travelling. Come on.

'If we earn enough money off the music video,'

then Grindah, he won't have to go Essex, like.

He can buy a house here. He can buy two houses here.

That is my plan.

And I literally am prepared to do anything to let that happen.

INTERVIEWER: Anything? Yeah, anything.

OK, and action! Nice.

THEY RAP OVER MUSIC TRACK

Get the nipple away from my ear. Sorry, mate.

Kevin, don't tense too much, Kevin. I'm not tensing.

Just relax a bit. I am relaxed. This is how I relax.

Show me a few more body-building moves, mate.

Me? No, Kevin.

Yeah, that's hot. Put your leg up a bit. Get your leg up.

OK, that's good, that's good. Love it, love it, love it!

OK, great stuff. Now, let's go to the park,

cos Stevie is setting up the green screens.

OK, let's have a break, zoot break. Thank you.

That looks nice, doesn't it? Yeah, it's fucking massive.

It didn't look this big in the pictures. It's a mansion.

I think you're just one bit of it though, right? Oh, not the whole...

Still...

ENTRANCE BUZZER

INTERVIEWER: What's your dream home?

I think we'd want to have something all white,

like loads of space. All white, cream.

Shoes off at the door, like.

Yeah, basically, just cream everywhere, everything cream.

Yeah, a studio.

Convert one of the rooms into a studio for me.

It's nice, Miche. I can really see you lot living here.

Could you get a picture of me with the dishwasher?

'Obviously, steam room. You'd love a steam room for your skin,

'cos you went once'

when you want to the hotel. I came out and my skin was to die for.

Yeah, glowing.

We want to have, like, a massive kitchen.

Glass cupboards so you can see all my things.

Yeah, that's nice. Like a museum of your stuff.

Yeah, that's sick, yeah.

Is this bigger than our bedroom? It's hard to tell, isn't it?

I dunno, I've never been in your bedroom.

Bed's probably that size.

Yeah, that's about it, really. Just loads of space.

Maybe a slide from one of the floors to another.

If it's a dream house. Yeah, mansion.

Obviously, a mansion is everyone's dream house.

Yeah, slide into bed. Modern-day mansion.

So just before bed every night, you've got a bit of fun.

The countryside, eh? Yeah. So peaceful.

OK, let's travel to the green screen, Stevie, please.

Thank you, travelling. Decoy, I haven't got time.

Come on, hurry up, hurry up.

Wahey! What's up with your leg, Bruv? Oh, yeah.

Oi! I fucked it up the other day when I got hit by the car.

Oh, my God! Bloody hell, Stevie. I know.

Look at the bottom bit.

Oh! I know.

You've got a bloody cankle. I know. That's fucked up.

Oh, shit, fucking hell! It stinks.

Kind of jokes, innit.

No, no-one wants to see that shit, that's disgusting.

Boys, ain't nobody else thinking what I'm thinking right now?

Where do you take someone that's injured?

I've just thought of something!

Cos of his ankle, we can go to the hospital.

Stevie! Yeah? You should have said earlier!

THEY SHOUT

Come on! Come on! My brother!

THEY TALK EXCITEDLY OVER EACH OTHER

Come on, Stevie.

BEATS RAPS: Someone take him to A&E And perform some lyrical surgery.

You fucking bastard, Stevie. Do I have to have surgery?

Let's hope so, Stevie mate, let's hope so.

Yes!

When's the next train then?

Er, about 20 minutes,

so there's one every half an hour.

One every half an hour? Yeah.

Two an hour? Yeah.

That is mental. Yeah.

The journey's not that long though, I guess.

I feel like it took forever. Won't tell Grindah how long it is for now.

No.

Are you going to tell Beats about everything? No, it'll be fine.

Yeah. They'll have a long-distance relationship. Yeah.

Attention, attention!

This man is in desperate need of care and assistance.

Yeah. We're his carers, we've got to go with him. Yeah.

This man is dying, everyone out the way! Get out the way!

Travelling, travelling.

Argh! Oh, Jesus Christ! Out the way, mate.

We've got an emergency. This gentleman here?

Yes. Stevie, come here.

Up, up. Oh, OK.

My foot is completely fucked from a car impact.

Yeah, so we're going to need a bed.

A hospital bed, possibly with good lighting,

and maybe some props as well, if you can, please.

We do have a wheelchair already.

All right. If you can just fill this out for me.

WHISPERS: Boys, boys, boys.

Fill out your name, all your details.

Yeah, yeah.

Ah, OK.

CHABUDDY WHISPERS INSTRUCTIONS

THEY RAP QUIETLY

What's my date of birth? I wouldn't have a clue, mate.

Listen, don't worry about date of birth. I've got loads of them.

Put whatever. OK. OK.

Angel, can you watch something for Mummy, please?

I've just done a presentation for Daddy,

so that he can understand what Essex is like.

Can you tell me what you think? I need some feedback. Yeah?

CHILL-OUT MUSIC PLAYS Is it playing?

Yeah? Can you look at it, please?

This one. Can't you just...? So, look at this one.

Angel, can you just look at this screen just for...

So, what do you think?

I don't think he'll like the music.

You're very opinionated nowadays, aren't you?

And he WILL like the music cos it's ambience music

and it relaxes the brain.

It's what we play at work when we're ripping out people's pubic hair.

Look at Mummy. I'm not stressed, am I? I'm very relaxed.

You don't look relaxed.

Right, that's it, give me your phone.

Stay in your room, please.

But... Think about what you've just said.

So, this is the boot that we're going to fit you with. Oh, wow.

Do you have any Nike ones or...? No. Cool.

Is there morphine buttons on this

or is this just your bog-standard lift and...?

It's for the bed. Yeah.

My nan used to have a chair like this.

Tipped her out one time when she sat on it. Oh.

HOSPITAL TANNOY: 'Dr Campbell to the maternity ward, please.'

BEATS AND GRINDAH RAP QUIETLY OVER MUSIC TRACK

The music video went sick.

You've never seen anything like this in your life, trust me.

BOTH: I'm kicking, man Like Van Damme

Who's our mate with the rough slam?

'It's a lot better than a lot of videos'

that you watch on YouTube already

and I can just tell that from...

Just the energy on set. Energy, yeah.

You done any dancing before, babes?

Shall I do a wheelie? Yeah, go on.

Argh!

I've got you.

STEVES CRIES OUT Pull him up, pull him up.

'You've got so much.'

We've got us outdoors, indoors, do you know what I mean?

Dressed as doctors, dressed a little bit like doctors, know what I mean?

There's all sorts of things. All angles covered. Trust me.

Let's watch it back. Hold on.

Oh, that's sick! Look at that! Let me see me.

Do you like the camerawork, how smooth it was?

Yeah. That's tracking, tracking shot.

How much do you get paid per view on YouTube? Loads.

Trust me, about to fucking blow, do you know what I mean, next month.

Yeah, and eventually, he's going to buy

one of those blocks over there, a penthouse.

Trust me. Kurupt FM clubhouse.

INTERVIEWER: Have you finished the presentation?

Yeah, all done, yeah. Done it.

All ready to go.

PHONE RINGS

Who's that?

Oh, bloody Miche, calling constantly.

Oh, God, bloody ball and chain. All that, innit? Yeah.

You should chat to her, man. Chat to her? No, thanks!

No, find out what's going on. Well, I know what's going on.

We shot the fucking video of a lifetime, mate, know what I mean?

Sick. Yeah, no, you should...

You should probably tell Miche that everything's going to be all right.

Why are you acting all weird?

Just, I can't say. Huh?

I can't say. You can't say what?

I told Roche I wouldn't say anything. Just call Miche.

Told Roche wouldn't say anything about what?

What the fuck are you talking about? Huh?

What the fuck are you talking about? I forgot about my curfew.

Is he allowed to just leave? Don't fucking change the subject.

What the fuck are you talking about? What did Roche say?

I can't say anything. Has Miche fucked someone else?

No, she hasn't fucked anyone else. She's just lipsed someone else?

No, it's nothing to do with that. Does he MC?

What? No, it's got nothing to do with lipsing or someone else.

What is it then?

PHONE RINGS

Fuck.

Hi, bubby. 'Are you fucking insane?'

Hm? 'Why did you choose Essex?'

What?

Hang on, no... If we're going to have this conversation,

I'm going to put this music on, so wait. Listen to this.

CHILL-OUT MUSIC PLAYS Calm down for one second. Listen!

No, it is true, it is true, but it's not...my choice.

I wanted to tell you about it but I didn't know how to tell you.

Beats had to tell me. I'm not moving to Essex!

Do you know how far away that is?

VOICE WAVERS: I've got Kurupt FM. Beats is here.

All the fucking boys, and you're going to make me go over there,

away from my music. I'm going to shoot off.

No, you're fucking not. Wait there.

No, no then. Don't care.

We're going down the council tomorrow then

and Beats is coming with me

and me and Beats are going to find a place to live then.

Yes, we are!

CHILL-OUT MUSIC PLAYS

So, no. So, that's good.

SHE SLAMS COMPUTER SHUT Won't need that any more.

SHE CLEARS THROAT