Original subtitles

[Chabuddy] Listen, you could go get a cowboy builder, yeah?

He'll come and just completely mess it up. I know how to soundproof.

[Grindah] I'd rather get you to do it for free.

There we go, you get what you pay for.

That literally costs hundreds of pounds.

Right, there we go, use some of this is very good for soundproofing.

Looks like candy floss, isn't it? There we go, perfect.

-[Steves] Is that new? -Nah, it's really old.

I found it in some bins but it's still good.

-Can you believe people threw this out? -[Steves] It smells kinda mad, though.

It'll dry out and it'll be fine. Right, there we go.

[producer] So, what does Kurupt need?

[Chabuddy] We need a full studio revamp.

Kold FM, they had...

the dream studio for us, it was a bit quite hi-tech.

But now we're going one better. We're taking Kurupt into the future.

[coughing] Just be careful, it's quite toxic.

-It stinks. -Yeah.

[coughs] It's really going in my throat.

[Steves] Making my eyes sting.

-There we go. Don't worry, look at that! -[Grindah] Lovely. Aww. That's it.

Andi Peters, you know what I mean?

[Grindah] It's looking sick, innit, Steves?

-[Chabuddy coughing] -[Steves] Yeah, it's quite itchy though.

[Chabuddy] Don't worry about it.

-[Craig] Are you sure you want this one? -[Beats] Yeah.

-The big one? -Yeah, the big one, yeah.

[Roche] I think I hear 'em.

Aww, look, Craig's taking the telly with him.

What are we gonna watch?

-I think that's pretty much it, you know. -Is it?

Craig, do you want to say goodbye to your room, or...?

-Nah, let's just go. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Look at him being brave.

Give me and your sister a hug at least

cos we're not gonna see ya for three years, are we?

Serious?

Are you dumb? I'm not staying there for three years.

What? What have I got to do to get rid of you?

I nearly shat myself there. [false laugh]

[producer] Will you miss, Craig, when he's at uni?

-So much. So much. -Yeah. Yeah.

[Roche] I mean, I've had him for a bit longer, so...

I'm more ready for him to go.

Yeah, I haven't had him for enough.

He's taken before we really had our...our time, innit?

He's not dying. He's not...

Come on, Craig. We need to get on the M25 before traffic starts building up.

-We're not going the M25. -Oh, is it? What route we going then?

Can we stop at services? I love services.

They're, like, 45 minutes from here.

Say, "Bye, you're going."

Uni!

[engine revs and tyres screech]

[Beats] Did you bring crisps?

-[Decoy] So how do you do that? -[Miche] What you two doing?

[Decoy] Just showing me the new roundhouse kick she learnt.

-Come on then we need to go. -Alright, let's go.

-She's getting good, though. -[Decoy sighs]

As you can see. Come on, Angel. Show us some moves.

[Miche laughing]

[door opens] What's those weird sounds? What you doing?

Just showing... She's showing us karate.

-Are you giving her a lift? -Well, yeah.

-Aww, great, so I gotta walk to work. -Well, you can take them, if you want?

-No, I'm banned from driving. -What? You don't even have a licence.

Aww, OK, then, so you can drive a car without a licence, can you, Decoy?

-Well, nah, but-- -No, I'm banned from driving, then.

What did you want to talk to me about anyway?

Decoy has just put me in a foul mood.

Right, no, we can just talk about it later.

[producer] Is it gonna be hard to tell Grindah about Essex?

Yeah, I've got to pick the right time to tell him

cos I know he's not gonna be happy about the move.

Just got to do it gently. Just, like,

one word at time, sort of thing. Let him take it all in slowly.

It takes him a while to realise what's going on.

And once he does, he will kick off.

I'm going back to bed, then. See you lot in a bit, yeah?

-Bye. -Bye.

-Alright, shall we do it? Yes. -Yeah, let's do it.

-[Decoy] Karate! -[Miche] Karate.

There we go. Put that in there.

Are you gonna finish the wall as well today?

-You gonna finish the wall? -The what? Yeah, that's done, mate

Completed.

Oh, that's it? It's just like that? OK.

Plug that in. Right, it's been installed.

Welcome to the World Wide Web...

World W... It's a bloody tongue twister, innit?

-Internet. -Internet. Welcome to the internet.

OK, first thing we need to do is to create a password.

-Perfect. Create away. -So, yeah, just say any word, basically.

Aww, OK, erm, right, sick.

Ahh...

-It can be anything. -I know, there's too much choice, innit?

Like...

Any word.

-Kurupt FM. -All one word?

Er... That's three words, innit? Fuck!

Erm...

Back to the drawing board.

-What about just Kurupt? -Kurupt. Yes.

Bang that in.

Oh, it says it needs a number.

For fuck's sake. Erm...

Literally any number--

I know, Chabsie! But not many words have numbers.

[Miche] Carly, can you sit still, please, and stop pouting?

You're not a glamour model.

Angel. Angel, come here, come here.

Have you noticed that Carly thinks she's above you?

What?

I'm just saying, she seems to think she's better than you.

Noticed in the car and stuff.

And now she's just walking off without you.

-Just something to think about, right? -Yeah.

Angel, you coming?

Yes, we hear you, Carly! You don't need to shout!

[Miche] Yeah, I think Angel will be alright about the move.

She'll miss her little friends from school or whatever.

Which I'm thinking about, you know, as a good mum.

So, what I'm gonna do is sabotage her friendships as much as possible.

Carly, can you stop that, please?

You're actually putting Angel at risk

by making her do karate when she's not properly warmed up.

What kind of friend does that, Angel? Hmm?

This is exactly what I mean.

-[laughter] -[Grindah] Here we go, here we go.

Kurupt FM 2.0 or 3.0, whatever.

-Are you ready for this? -Yeah.

It's a proper, proper change.

You're gonna love it, ready?

Welcome! [laughs] Ta-dah!

What's...what's different? Just...

-What's that green shit? -Green screen.

And look, webcam.

Oh, OK, I get it now. Right, like, Hollywood movie, sort of, shit.

-Yep. Exactly. -And I'm the main actor.

Oi, check this out. Look at the laptop, yeah.

And because it's green screen,

I can change this to any background I want.

-You're joking? This is the future! -Sexy sunset!

I'm just going for a walk cos it's really hot here.

-[Grindah] Nah, you're not on a beach! -I love the beach.

[Grindah] The future of radio is connecting

with the people through internet.

Bud, everyone in the world is watching this right now.

Really, you're joking?

-That's live, is it? -Jump on, jump on.

Sometimes it's good to keep up with the times so more people can hear you.

Let more people in on my talent.

Aww, this is fucking sick. Uni!

It's like Center Parcs.

All this lecture stuff, it's all bollocks, really.

It's just a front to cover up what really goes down.

Just bare sex, really.

Aww...

I'd love to stay and watch you smash bare birds.

That'd be weird.

Kevin really wanted to drop Craig off at university.

I think it's a bit of a rights of passage thing as a stepdad, you know.

The only thing is, he hasn't got a car,

so he's just getting driven to Egham by Craig

and then he's getting the train back by himself.

Oh, before we go, let me give you these. Just so I don't embarrass you.

-Check this out. Condoms, mint. -For fuck's sake.

They're your mum's favourite. Yeah.

I don't go bareback anymore.

After the whole Robin incident.

[Grindah] Steves! Where's the gel?

I got shower gel.

Is that this, yeah? Mint and tea tree?

-It's still gel, innit? -Yeah, that'll be alright.

I've always been told I got a face for radio.

Now, finally everyone's gonna be able to see it.

Lucky them, eh?

Right, I'm coming in, boys.

That's it, give me a countdown, gimme a countdown.

-[Steves] Yeah, let's do countdown. -Ready?

[both] Three, two, one.

Go!

[Grindah MC-ing] ♪ It's Steves and Grindah ♪

♪ Here to get you hyper ♪

♪ Push up ya and push up ya lighter ♪

♪ Call little kiddie, I be the bad boy fighter ♪

♪ And it's DJ Grindah ♪

♪ Here to get you hyper ♪

♪ So pass the mic and the lighter ♪

♪ Little kiddie, I'll get your hyper ♪

Your locked into the sounds and the sights

of the legendary Kurupt FM 108.9.

Listen, boys, right now, 14 people are watching across the globe.

-14 people? That's like... -Mind-blowing.

Double figures, at least.

There's probably people in the room with them as well.

-There's 17, 18 people, probably. -Early 20s.

I've got you in, like, a fish tank, yeah.

So, it's like, sea everywhere, fish everywhere.

-I'm drenched. -I'm underwater.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put something sick, like blocks, or something.

Actually I got some, I got some tower blocks.

-That's sick. That looks really gangsta. -I gotta see it.

Have a look, have a look.

What you doing? That's our blocks, you baithead.

Oh, right, OK. I got loads of stuff. Just go through.

I got beach, stock image, weed, man.

Oh, no! Take that down, take that down!

That's you! Oh, my days, that's him!

That's Chabuds! Look, look, boys, everyone!

-It's Chabuds! -No, no! No, no!

Bruv, bruv, that's disgust... [laughing]

Look at his nipples! Oh, my days! Like black golf balls.

-[squabbling] -No, no, no!

That's not me, it's Photoshop. It's not me, alright!

[producer] Are you a fun couple?

[Carol] Oh, yeah, we have a lot of fun, don't we?

-We do, yeah. -Dress up as well, you know.

Yeah. I dress up sometimes

as sexy kebab shop man who gives you food poisoning and must be punished.

-And the Uber driver. -Oh, yeah, Uber driver with low rating

who takes wrong turn and he must also be punished.

-The other ones, other ones, tell 'em. -Illegal immigrant

-who gets caught and he-- -He needs to be punished.

Yeah.

Basically, it always ends up with me having very painful punishment sex.

Yeah. Loves it.

Yeah.

[Grindah] Listen, anyone out there who wants to do things

in their personal time that's fine. Just don't bring it to work.

Not in my workspace. [laughing]

Stay in your little cages.

Hold tight, all the gimps out there, yeah. I sees ya!

-The G stands for gimp! -Yeah!

So, this is your floor, yeah?

I see you there.

Oh, wow, yeah, this is a bit of you this, innit?

-Bigger than your old room. -Yeah.

Nice.

-D'you bring the milkshake stuff, yeah? -Yeah.

Still bulking.

[producer] What course are you doing?

-Leisure and tourism. -Sick, what's that, like,

-how to chill out on holiday properly? -If it was that he'd be fine, wouldn't he?

Should feel the bounce backs like on this.

[Roche] It is really nice to see him take a bit of responsibility for himself.

Pretty good. D'you wanna try?

Going away.

-Getting a job, eventually. -Well...

[Beats] Yeah, he's growing up. It's been a beautiful thing.

[Beats] Watching Craig blossom into a man

is like watching a flower blossom in the summer.

-D'you know what I mean? -No, I don't.

-You are, literally, gonna have sex there. -What?

Imagine that.

Nice.

[whispered] Craig. Craig. Bit of you, bit of you.

[whispered] Shut up.

Alright, emotional times, innit?

-Hmm? -Just saying emotional times.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I suppose it is.

-The halls seem nice, though. -Yeah, yeah, really nice.

I think my son, Craig, has taken a bit of a liken to your daughter.

-Has he? -Yeah.

-So soon? -Yeah. Yeah...

He's a big lad but he goes hell for leather.

-Yeah. Yeah. -A-huh.

He's not selfish.

Like, he'll make sure she has a good time before he...

[imitating ejaculation]

-Cums. Yeah -Yeah.

Yeah, I knew what you meant.

-Cool. I'm Kevin, by the way. -Martin.

-Hello. -Nice one.

Carly! Carly, calm down, please!

Look, Angel, watch out. This is what I told you.

She's a psychopath, look at her.

-[Decoy] Are you alright, yeah? -Yeah, no, I'm fine.

You sure?

Yeah, I just don't Angel to be friends with Carly anymore.

What? What's wrong with Carly?

I'll tell you what's wrong with her. She's, erm...

I dunno, she just... I don't need a reason. I'm her mum.

That's a reason.

Go for her face! The face is the weakest point!

Angel, hit her!

Harder, Angel! Hit her harder!

[Beats] Yeah, I can see ya.

-I can see ya. Yeah. -You can see me? Yeah.

What am I doing now then?

Calling me a wanker.

-That is... Yeah. -Sick, innit?

Do a middle finger.

-Do a middle finger. -Middle finger?

[Beats laughs]

Craig's here. He's loving it.

-Craig? He'll love this. -Yeah.

Big up, Craig. First day at uni. Inside.

Getting shout-outs as well.

Nah, just telling Craig he's getting a shout-out.

Oi, we gotta shoot off and do a set.

-Alright, mate. Speak to you later. Bye. -In a bit, yeah. Bye.

Oh, great timing that, innit?

Cos now you can hear my voice and see my face,

-even when we're far away. -Yeah, great.

[Roche] Kevin's definitely gonna miss Craig.

Yeah, he's really gonna miss him. Craig's actually been

pretty relaxed about the whole thing but Kevin's a bit more needy

at the moment.

The other day I caught him stealing one of Craig's T-shirts out of the washing,

cos he said he wanted to still be able to smell him.

[Grindah MC-ing]

Fast life. Fast life. Sick, innit?

What the comments saying, then?

-Inspire me. Yeah. -OK. So, there's three comments.

First one is from Daniel and he just says, "Hi."

-Very classic. -I know someone called Daniel.

So, yeah, hold tight, Daniel, I sees ya.

-Who's next? -Oh, it's Daniel again.

This time he's gone for, "Hello."

Aww, he loves it.

Daniel, mate. Let everyone else get a word in edgeways, thank you.

Oh, my cod!

Look at this one. From Lucas it says,

"Love from Denmark."

-Denmark? Where even is that? -Let me check.

[Grindah] There is no limit to Kurupt.

We're the type to be in the desert with nothing. We'd still...

-transmit to the masses. -Literally, bruv, like.

Well, actually, who'd be listening in the desert?

You still get people in the desert. Who do you think keeps all the camels?

-Yeah, and Mad Max's lot are out there. -Exactly.

-[producer] Are they into garage? -Well, they will be.

Once they've heard it.

OK. It's a Nordic country and sovereign state.

The southern-most of the Scandinavian nations.

-Southern-most. -Right.

Southern most cos I wasn't sure if it was Northern-most ones.

Boys, we've gone worldwide.

We've gone worldwide!

I can't believe we've gone global again! Again!

-This is it! This is it! -Go on!

Like, fucking, Denmark first and then--

Spain!

Spain, I was gonna say the rest of the world,

but definitely put Spain on the list.

There you are, girls.

Got you a blue one. I know you like the blue.

Thank you.

-When you going Essex? -Dunno yet.

-What Essex? -Aren't you moving?

Angel, what'd I tell you? It's a secret.

Great, now everyone knows cos Carly can't keep her big fat mouth shut.

-Wait, so, you're moving to Essex? -Yeah.

[producer] Is Decoy spending a lot of time with Angel?

Er... Yeah, I dunno, It's nice for Angel to have a friend.

And I approve of that friend.

It's not one of her annoying friends.

Yeah, it's good she's got a friend with a car.

Cos a lot of her friends can't drive yet.

Can I just chat to you outside for a second?

What's going on?

Obviously, I was gonna tell you but I haven't even told Grindah yet.

Yeah, but I need to know.

[talking silently]

[Grindah MC-ing]

Make sure you get your comments in.

Big all yous lot up, yeah. Fuck your K's, like.

-Ahh, yes, brother. -Safe, man.

-Check this. -This the set-up, yeah?

Look.

-It's green. -That's sick, innit?

That's green but wait, look at this.

Ahh, got ya. Look round. It's not just a blanket.

Look, look, yeah. A green blanket but look on the computer.

That's not actually there. That's a normal green blanket.

-Look at him. -It's a rave.

Look up again. Nothing there.

-It's different. -But then look down there.

-What's in the background? -Steves.

-No. -The curtain. So if I did...

-On there! -Oh, but here it's a rave.

Fucking mind-blowing.

Oi, guys. New comment alert.

OK, it says,

"This is shit." Oh.

-There was always gonna be negative-- -No, what little pussyole said that?

Unknown user.

Lucky for him, then.

I did clang some mixes and that, so...

It's probably your fault.

Oh! There's another one, another comment.

Oh, God. You know what? I think it's spam.

Let's not read this out. No, Tony, no...

"Grindah's shit". Yeah?

That's it. I'm shit, yeah?

I'm shit, well, then I'm not doing this anymore.

-And you fucked it for everyone. -Tony, please.

[Grindah] I'm fine with criticism.

There's no need for someone to criticise me

cos I know I'm doing right. D'you know what I'm saying?

So, if someone tries to say shit, then...

they can fuck off out my face.

-Your definitely not shit. -Oh, shut up, Steves.

Your opinion means nothing.

[Grindah] Why, why'd you keep asking?

There's nothing wrong with me so why would I care?

Yeah, you think I'm shit, then listen to Fantasy,

then we'll see who's shit.

-What backdrop do I have? -Don't worry about it.

-Don't worry about it. -Peanut dust?

Just a bit of subliminal advertising, isn't it.

That's not subliminal, that's across the whole screen.

No wonder we're getting shit comments, left, right and centre.

-Martin, hey. -Hello.

-You going down to the car? -Yes, to get a few more bits.

-I'm Craig's dad. -Nice to meet you.

Craig, Craig. Come here. This is Craig.

-Hiya. Emily. -How you doing?

-Nice to meet you. -Yeah, nice.

Oh, connection there.

-How are you settling in? -Good, yeah, just unpacking.

You should see his telly, it's massive. Show her the telly.

They'll get to know each other in their own time.

-Have you got a flat screen in your room? -No, no, I don't, no.

-Do you like TV? -Yeah.

Well, he's got Freeview built in.

-It's 48 inch. -Well, you're not far from each other.

No, no, roomies.

You been into the kitchen yet?

-No, we need to explore, so... -Yeah, come on, Craig.

-Well, come on, then. -Come on.

I told you I'm sick at this shit, come on.

You don't have to come all the way with us.

We don't mind.

Decoy?

-You alright? -Yeah...

-I was gonna... I was gonna tell you. -Hmm?

[producer] Is it OK to keep secrets?

Well, yeah, sometimes you keep a secret to actually

protect someone from the truth. Sometimes it's better to live

in ignorance then to actually know

what's really going on and have your heart broken.

[sighs] Fucking prick. Making me smoke one off and everything.

I'm gonna get you a little beer. That'll cheer you up.

-You don't think I'm shit, do ya? -No way.

-Can you reply on that? -Yeah, but you can use the camera--

-No, that doesn't have the same effect. -Alright, cool.

I'm gonna write it like a fucking man.

[angry mumbling] Fucking...

Stevie, can I just have a quick chink-wank with you?

Come here, come here.

I need to ask you a question, really.

First of all, I want to come clean and tell you

that geezer in the picture, that was me.

-OK. -Yeah, I know.

And I wanted to ask you, what do you think of Carol?

-Do you think she's good for me? -Carol? Er...

I dunno. If it works, it works, d'you know what I mean?

It's all different strokes--

The thing is, yeah, she does a lot of stuff to me in the bedroom.

She's very dominate, yeah. She's very painful.

She does a lot of, kind of like, gagging and liquid and spitting.

-What's with all the spitting these days? -I dunno, mate.

-I don't get it, son. -No, I don't.

[Chabuddy] I mean, like, is that normal sex?

-Do normal people do that? -I don't think so.

-No. -What should I do?

Carry on...on doing it?

I dunno.

This is why I stay clear of all this sex stuff.

It's all got, sort of, a bit weird.

You've got the right idea, OK.

Last thing you do, yeah. Keep it in your jim-jams.

Sex is evil.

-OK. -Thanks for the chat.

[Steves] That's weird. Er...

What you saying? "You will get salpped."

No, "slapped". For fuck's sake.

OK, guys, just quickly, this is Craig's ham.

I've labelled it, so please don't touch it.

I've also labelled his shelf,

so there shouldn't be any confusion. Alright?

You can go now.

-What about the house meeting? -What house meeting?

I've called a house meeting at 8 o'clock

so we can have a few drinks, get to know each other. Break the ice.

[Beats] Oh, mate, I would love to go to uni now.

It's sick. There's bare chicks, yeah.

There's bare weed

and you don't even have to do the work anymore.

I thought you had to read books.

But apparently on the internet you can just read a little paragraph

and that's it. Standard.

[producer] What, they've shortened the books?

They've shortened the books now cos people don't even like books.

You can even get a book where a brah read it to you, like.

So, you can, literally, kick back, light a bifta

and the coursework writes itself.

-Just go. It's getting embarrassing. -Oh, God. Doesn't want his old man

embarrassing him.

See you guys later, yeah. Enjoy.

They're all well safe.

Craig, can I get a lift to the station?

Craig?

-[Steves] What background is it? -[Chabuddy] We got war. War background.

-Sick. -Don't point a gun at me.

-Stay down in the trenches. -[Chabuddy laughs]

-[Chabuddy makes explosion sound] -It's Bollywood.

[Steves and Chabuddy make explosion sounds]

[Chabuddy laughs]

[Chabuddy] 30 people are watching right now. That's amazing.

Decoy, you should join in, man. This is jokes.

Nah, allow that. That's bait. I'm not putting my face on that.

He's got a good point. It is a bit bait.

That's why the whole vibes been off, actually.

Let's just put it back to how it was before.

We got so many people watching?

They're not, they're the shit ones, so it doesn't count.

[Grindah] I think, yeah, as musical artists...

we give fans a little bit too much credit.

Listeners shouldn't have voices.

That's why they're called listeners.

Brah, that's mad clever.

-I know. -That's sick.

-No, no, that's it! That's it now! -We've had so much fun.

He said it, he's right. Decoy's announced it

and that's exactly what I've been thinking, yeah.

It's brought out the worst in all you lot, yeah.

Fucking, I've never seen Fantasy be so arrogant.

Sadly, we've got to get rid of the webcam. That's that.

Do you think it's weird that speakers are called speakers?

No, I don't. Stop interrupting.

They ain't even got mouths.

But, Tony, it's modern, everyone's using this.

It's the future, mate.

Live streaming. The cam girls, they use it.

Oh, right, so, what you're saying is

you want me to fucking put a bikini on start shoving shit up my arse

only for everyone to not appreciate me and be disrespecting me in the comments.

Not happening.

Yeah, I don't want to do that either with my arse.

Yeah, nothings been up my arsehole ever. Promise.

Good, glad we've cleared that up.

[Chabuddy] Careful with it.

Just in case, actually,

get rid of this fucking shit.

-[Steves] Don't smash the... -Aah!

Come on, Steves. Come on.

-[garage plays] -Get rid of it.

It was fun while it lasted.

And there you have it. Kurupt FM officially broken the internet.

Good to be back to the old school, innit?

[Beats] Got a weird vibe, innit?

It's normally Craig sitting there with his headset on.

[Beats] Yeah, I'm gonna miss Craig.

Still smells of him as well.

I miss him just, like, being there, like, just his, his presence.

He's so warm.

Like, physically warm as well, like.

[Angel chatting on phone]

Angel?

Who are you talking to?

Better not be Carly.

So Decoy knows about Essex now and, obviously, I've told Angel

and she was a bit sad but she's ten so she's always upset about something.

Also it's great to tell Angel first

cos her and Grindah often think the same way about stuff.

So, it's like, she was the practice run

and now it's time for the real one with Grindah.

Let's see you comment now, you little prick.

Yeah, yeah, comments, yeah? Comments, yeah?

Fuck the internet.

[producer] Do you have any rules in the bedroom?

No pain, no gain. Know what I'm saying?

Carol always says that to me. "No pain. No gain."

As you scream and go, "Argh!"

She gags my mouth, "Shut up, you piece of shit!"

-It's all part of our foreplay. -It's love, it's love.

It's love, yeah, yeah.

-[Carol] Where you been? -Your Uber has arrived.

Get in.

-[Carol] Put this in your mouth. -[Chabuddy] It's too big, Carol.

Open your mouth!