Original subtitles

Come on, Abdi, pass it. Easy, easy does it.

Here we go!

Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day is a day for romance! [chuckles]

Mmm! You can really smell the sex in the air, isn't it?

What is that smell, actually?

I actually got us a really good deal on 40 crates of mackerel, you know?

And, like, uh, you know, seafood on Valentine's Day,

it's like an aphrodisiac.

Yeah, but I don't think that applies to gone-off mackerel.

-Oh, balloons! You did that as well? -Yeah.

-Titi! -They're all over, look, behind you and...

I feed the love. Hey, all you need is love, isn't it?

And maybe some lovely mackerel.

[chuckles]

[Roche] Oh, come on, Kevin. She's not gonna wait for you!

Oooh! Kevin, come on!

-I'm just looking for something. One minute! -Stop looking!

Now, Kevin! Ooh!

-Oooh! -I can't find my chinos.

-Forget your chinos! Let's just go! -All right, cool.

-Don't forget the bag! -Bag, bag.

-Oooh! -Got the bag.

Aaaah! Ooh!

-Okay, got the bag. -Ah, good.

-Where's Craig? -He's out with his dad. Just hurry up!

Shhh! Shhh! Keep it down. Grindah's asleep.

I don't give a fuck about Grindah!

Just get me to the hospital and get her out of me.

Okay. How do you wanna do it? Cos I've only got the ped.

-Call a cab. -Okay, yeah, call a cab.

All right. Oh, yeah, there's this mad thing called Uber. You heard about it?

It says I need to update my card details. Do you know your card number?

-Hurry the fuck up!! -Okay, okay.

[drum and bass plays]

Big day today. Valentine's special.

So we're going to have a little aerial revamp,

make sure the signal's extra crispy, innit, mate?

-We're going get on that soon. -I'm going to meet my nan, man.

-I'll see you in a bit. -It's Valentine's...

-Steves. Fuck's sake! -I always meet her.

Beats has fucked off already. Great, so I'm left on my own again.

-I'll be about, man. -Ah, you need one of the main ones. Fuck's sake!

Yeah, Valentine's Day is one of the most important sets

in the Kurupt calendar and I'll tell you why.

Cos we see it as a way of building up listeners, yeah?

Think about it. Like, usually, you'd be listening to Kurupt on your one's, innit?

But on Valentine's Day, you'd be there with your girl or your man or whatever.

So that's already double the listeners, at least.

Cos obviously some cultures have more than one partner.

But we see that more as a bonus.

[Chabuds] Okay, enjoy it.

Hey, happy Valentine's Day. Oh, threesome. Very European.

-[ringtone] -Kevin, you old slut!

[laughs] What?! What, right now?!

Okay. Um, yeah, yeah! Okay, stay calm, mate!

[panicking] Kevin, stay calm!

Okay, okay, yeah! I...I can come!

I can come. Yeah, I can come! Um? Let me just... I'll bring the Merc.

Later. Oh, my keys! I got...

-Where's my keys? Where's my keys? -I don't know.

-I totally understand... -You do not understand!

I do not understand what you're going through, but...

You're not even close to understanding! Oooh!

-♪ Twinkle, twinkle... ♪ -Oh, fuck you! Aaaah! Aaah!

Chabzilla. Yeah, it's getting a bit nuts here, mate.

You're getting a bit sectiony. Yeah.

-[horn beeps] -Oh, he's pulling up. He's pulling up.

-Oooh! Help me. Help. -Let's go.

-Yeah, please. Help me. Help me. -Aaaah!

[drum and bass plays]

Have you spoken to Beats yet?

Nah, he's on some, like, "Oh, I going down the hospital because, uh,

I care about Roche. I wanna hold her hand while she's having a baby"!

-Yeah? -Yeah.

When Angel was born, did I miss a set?

No.

No, I didn't, no. Exactly.

I put radio before everything, cos I actually care about it.

Plus I didn't really clock that's why

I had all the missed calls from Decoy and Miche.

I'll just give it a little back-comb as well just to give it a bit more volume.

You had any Valentine's Day cards, Tyler?

-A fair few. -Yeah, I bet you did!

Look at him! He's such a little player!

You can tell, cos he's got the earring. That's how you tell a player.

He's single. He's available, Miche. Just saying.

What am I like? Turning into my mother.

People have asked me if I think me and Grindah are going to get back together.

The answer at the moment is I don't know. It all depends on him.

[director] What's your Facebook status?

Oh, God, yeah. That took me days to work out.

I went for "it's complicated". Because the situation is complicated.

I didn't really know what that meant before, but now I really understand it.

Oh, lovely! Who are they for?

-Uh, Susan. -Oh, more for Susan.

You little whore-bag.

-Wow! She's a complete slut. -Oh, they're beautiful.

-Thank you very much. -Oh, someone's getting lucky.

Where are you gonna put 'em? In your living room?

Yeah. I'll put them with all the others.

Taxi for the lady with the flowers!

-Right, pull it up, mate. -Ooh! Ooh!

Right, come on. Let's go. Okay, stay clenched.

-I'm clenching. -All right.

Get out the way, you bad jobs!

-Do you need anything from the bag? -No, no. Keep going!

-Ah, fuck! -What, what, what?

-I've got Craig's bag. -What?!

It's got an empty packet of ham and a pencil case in.

-I don't want any fucking ham! -Let me check the pencil case.

-Might be something useful in there. -Good idea.

-Forget about the pencil case! -Ah, forget about that.

Okay, let's go, let's go!

-Which way? -Right!

-No, right, right, right! -Right!

[whispers] Come through.

We're all clear.

Time for you lot to see who the real solider of Kurupt FM is, yeah?

Keep it down, yeah? Here she is.

Fucking hell! It's high, innit?

Every general needs their army working as a unit.

So you need your team there to be, like, pre-rolling your zoots,

make sure the phone's charged, track listing right.

Like, there just bare things to think about. Check the aerial, make sure it's crisp.

Ooh!

Aah, fuck!

Fucking hell, this is mental.

Someone in my position shouldn't be doing things like this.

Hold on.

Fanta?

Is it sounding clearer?

Is it sounding worse then?

No. Well then, say it's sounding clearer then. Don't...

Right. Good.

Seen Lorna's new whip?

[director] What's been your favourite Valentine's Day?

Me and my nan once went to this place called Blackpool,

where there's these, um... they do this lights thing.

Come true.

-Steve... -Easy.

And we, uh... Well, I did acid and she, like, had a glass of wine.

And we just had a really nice evening.

Oi, oi! Bo-Nan-za!

-You seen my nan, Pete? -Uh...

Hi, Steve. Um, can we have a little chat, please, in private?

Yeah. Okay? The number that you gave us, it's not working. It's wrong.

I always give fake numbers out to people I don't know. Sorry.

Just...come in the office there, darlin'.

Has my nan been in trouble again?

There you go.

-Just take a...just take a s... -[door closes]

Can't really see much. Stained glass.

[sighs]

-Kevin. -Fucking madness in there.

-Did you get my message about the bag? -Yeah, man.

Yes! Roche's been switching about this.

Ah!

[burps]

I'm knackered.

-Your mum's doing all right, as well. -Yeah?

Right, boys, I'll be back in a bit.

-Nice one, Chabsie. Appreciate it, man. -No worries.

It's ten centimetres now. Ten centimetres!

The beautiful, disgusting miracle of birth.

-How you doing though, Craigy? You all right, yeah? -Yeah.

You must be so excited, mate? You're about to have a little brother.

Sister.

Don't be too sure, mate, okay?

I had, um... I had a friend once,

who was unfortunately born with a micro-penis.

And, um, you know, for months,

they I was...they thought he was a girl.

[laughs] What?!

Anyway...I'd better shoot off.

I've got stuff to do.

See you in a bit, yeah?

My nan normally says that you have to live for the moment.

Uh, cos tomorrow might never happen.

And yesterday don't matter.

You have to be in the present.

What day is it today? Wednesday? Tuesday?

-It's Friday. -Friday.

It's about time that I spat this rhyme about this day called Valentine.

And I must say Grindah's so fine, cos I've got the flow to make a body whine. Yes!

And you're locked into the sounds of the legendary mandem MC Grindah,

DJ Fantasy, for the Valentine special Fantasy/Grind-time hour.

[tuning radio]

[Grindah raps]

..With a spoonful of something romantic.

Me and Grindah never really celebrated Valentine's Day.

There was this one time though, actually.

We went to a restaurant and then we ran away without paying the bill.

We did have to pay it in the end though.

Cos Grindah left his jacket there with an ounce of weed in the pocket.

We had to go back and apologise.

Remember, text in, call in or whatever.

Send in your sexy shouts and dedications.

-Especially girls! -Trust me, ladies! Phone number to call...

07050 030 108.9!

Just wait now.

-[ringtone beeps] -Oh, shit. Phone-line crew.

Raw! All right then. Hold tight, the phone-line crew, yeah?

Message reads. "Big up the people

that are doing runners from romantic restaurants tonight.

Don't leave your jacket there." Uh...

Ain't really got a clue what the hell you're talking about.

But, yeah, probably means something to you.

So, yeah, 035, yeah?

Big yourself up.

I don't think he got the reference, so...

If anyone knows what the hell that person's banging on about, please...

[radio turns off]

Back to work.

I don't really think there's any such thing as,

like, an end and a beginning.

This is just another chapter in our love story.

To be continued.

Do you think that will happen soon?

I mean, I'm really hoping it will happen soon,

cos I'm quite close to my goal weight for the wedding,

and I don't want to put it back on with all the upset. So, ideally.

Okay, come.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you our new daughter.

Fresh out the vagina. Still warm as well.

-This is Robyn. -Robyn Aerial.

That is to be determined.

I'm very high right now.

They had to sedate her cos she kept going mental

-and threatening me. -Yeah!

Oh...

-Hello, mate. -Oh, look at that big yawn.

Love is a madness. It makes you do things you never thought you would normally do.

Like, my plan was to be a DJ, make loads of money off of bookings and that.

Sell a bit of weed and buy a yard.

Now, I'm a family man.

Yeah! I mean, I've got to go and blaze in the garden and that, but...

It's all right, I suppose. Still sick.

Ah, there we go.

-That's better, innit? -[Craig whispers]

-What? -How do I connect to the Wi-Fi?

This is more interesting than the internet.

Do you know what's amazing? One day, this...

will turn into something like that.

-Yeah. -Perfectly formed.

-Hold tight, the phone-line crew, yeah? 0705 030... -[ringtone]

Hello.

All right, one sec. It's a chick. Get ready.

What you say? What's your name and where'd you come from?

-[girl] Is Decoy there? -No, Decoy's not here.

-I'm the main one. It's MC Grindah. -[line goes dead]

-Hello? -Did she hang up?

She didn't hang up. She just...got cut off, cos she ran out of credit.

[sighs]

Um, Chabuds. Have a word. I think...something's wrong.

-What's up, Stevie? You all right, mate? -Yeah, man.

Just normal, everyday getting along with things.

-You been...you been crying? -Ah...nah.

Just my eyes are, probably. I'm not.

Okay, listen, mate, I get it, okay?

You don't want to be a dishwasher your whole life.

It's not that, man. I really like this job.

[sniffs] It's...cos my... nan died.

-Oh, shit. -Earlier today, yeah.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

-No. [sniffs] -Is that why you're wearing that ring?

Yeah. We've both got quite similar, feminine hands. [sniffs]

Come here.

Bring it in, guys, come on.

[sniffs] Mmmm!

Life is...hard.

-It's hard... -Okay! Let's get back to work.

Yeah?

-Oh, is that your hand? -Yeah.

[mobile beeps]

Beats has had his yute, apparently.

Is it? Sick.

How's that sick?

He was meant to be here.

We're meant to be spending Valentine's together like we always do.

Do you know what?

Thinking about it...

there's probably a free position for you, mate.

Yeah, you'll have to fill his boots.

Gonna need someone who actually cares about music

and doesn't have a girlfriend to constantly thrown them off everything.

-I have a wife, man. -You've got a wife?!

-Yeah. -But you're, like, 17.

Oh, God! Do they...

force you to get married at a young age in your culture?

What?! No. I'm 27, man.

Oh, right. Fucking hell.

Hold on. So...you're only here cos your chick's at work?

Do you know what? Fuck that! You can leave as well then.

-But we're not due to finish for another hour. -Don't care.

-I'm not playing second best. Go and wait outside. -Serious?

-Just fucking leave, bro! -Are you serious?

-I don't want you here. -We've got an hour left, man!

-For fuck's sake! -I don't want you here. Get out!

Fucking get out!

Yeah, go on!

[director] Do you ever worry that people will quit the station?

Nah! I ain't got to worry about shit like that.

Just look at Beats and his baby. It's a phase.

Yeah? Once it's born, once it's screaming all night and that,

he'll be the one running back to me, like, "Oh, can I do another set at radio?"

"Ooh, we need a DJ!"

I can DJ myself. I don't need anyone.

All I need is me, like.

-You ready? -I'm ready.

-Bye, Miche! -Bye!

Ooh! Careful!

Take those. Sure you're all right locking up on your own?

Yeah, it's fine. You lot have got places to be, so I'll just do the towels.

He'll come to his senses soon enough. I bet he misses you today.

-Okay. -Night.

-See you tomorrow. -Bye.

Girls!

[Grindah] Hold tight, everyone out there

with their special someone right now.

Hold tight, the single mandem too, yeah? I see's ya.

Beats usually just does that and it works.

Usually I could do it but I'm...

I'm distracted.

[sighs]

Valentine's Day crew.

I've got someone I've gotta go see.

Normal radio will resume tomorrow.

In a bit.

[sighs] Listen to me, Stevie mate, yeah?

The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh awayeth, okay?

Did you know that Beats and Roche had their child today?

Did it? That's good.

That's how it works, mate, yeah?

We pass it on to the next generation.

We live on through them.

It's the circle of life, mate.

One life ends, another begins.

That's mad. I didn't know that's how it worked.

Your nan's spirit will live on.

That's sick.

All right?

-Oh... -What d'you want?

-Beats. -Grindah.

Nice, bruv. So you came, man?

-Yeah. -Did you leave radio?

Yeah, I turned it off for the day, innit?

-What, for me? -Yeah.

Fuck it, why not? I thought I'd come and see you.

Cheers, mate.

I want to introduce you to someone.

-This is Robyn Aerial. -Oh...

-She likes you. -Just grabbed my finger.

-Yeah. -I'm still quite annoyed at you though, man.

I had to do radio on my own all day.

I done the aerial on my own. You got no idea what that's like.

I hear you, mate, but sometimes things are just more important.

-Otherwise... -Otherwise what?

Otherwise you end up on your mate's sofa.

Yeah, well, that is my decision cos I could have gone on his top bunk, so...

Have you spoken to Miche? You two really need to talk.

No, I ain't heard from her.

-Did you have a good Valentine's Day? -Yeah.

-Yeah? Did you get any more cards? -Three.

Three?!

Did you have a nice day?

Yeah.

This is nice.

[Roche] She loves you, you know?

Fuck knows why, but she does.

You two have really got something.

You've got far too much to let it all just

fall by the wayside and not, like, nurture it,

like a garden, you know? You've got a garden... Fuck, I'm really fucking high.

-Yeah! -Of course she loves me.

-Of course she does. -She worships me.

-Mmm? -I knew it. No, you're right.

-I'm gonna get her back. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -He's gonna get her back!

-Yeah! Take it easy, Ro? -They're my flowers.

Yeah, but you've seen 'em now, anyway. Miche loves flowers, probably.

-Good luck, mate. -Cheers, mate.

-Grindah. -Yeah?

-Pure Kuruption! -Each and every.

-108.9. -Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Oh!

May love be with you forever.

See you later.

[sighs] Titi. Listen. You can leave early. You get out of here.

-I'll take care of everything. I'll clean up. -No, no, no.

-I can't let you do everything. -No, it's fine.

Listen, look. It's Valentine's Day, yeah?

You should be out there getting wined or dined.

-Not both? -Hey, definitely both!

-You deserve both. -No, it's okay.

Unless you've got some weird reason for needing to get rid of me.

-Like you've booked a stripper or something. -[they laugh]

No, I haven't done that for years.

If I did want to treat myself, I'd probably go for an escort.

It's more classier.

[laughs]

-Mmm. -Yeah.

Yeah.

-Just you lot? -Yes, Steves.

Oh, right, they're all coming in to look at me like this today.

-I just came to see her. -Oh?

Put it there.

Thanks for coming, man.

-Do you wanna have a hold? -Can I hold her?

-Is that all right? -Yeah, course it is.

-Just don't drop her. -It's your Uncle Steves.

Whoops. Got her?

Hello, Nana.

It's me. Steves.

I'll look after your ring for you.

Till you're big enough to wear it yourself.

I've got your glasses, Nan.

The circle of life, innit?

-Yeah. -Chabuds was right.

I knew you wouldn't go.

Ooh! Oh! Delicious.

-Glad you like. -Try it. Open your mouth wide.

No. I'll do it myself.

Can you taste the Viagra?

I'm joking, I'm only joking!

Viagra's pretty tasteless, anyway.

Mm. Hey, how about some wine?

-I can see what you're doing. -What? It's...

It's for her. It's for the nan.

-Give her a little send-off. -Okay, go ahead.

Yeah? Okay, cool.

Mmm.

Okay, stop. Stop, stop!

It's for Nan! It's for Nan!

[gargles]

Uuuh!

-You really get the taste if your gargle wine. -Oh, really?

[sighs] It's now or never really, innit?

Didn't know you were coming over.

-Is that all right? -Yeah, I guess so.

-Got you these. They're flowers. -Thank you.

-The vase as well? -Yeah. Sort of comes with 'em.

[sighs]

Look, Miche...

I just wanted to come over and just...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm...

-I'm ready for you to take me back. -Oh, right?

Yeah. Cos nothing really that bad actually happened and...

It's been ages now and I've said I'm sorry, so...

-No, you haven't. -Well, I'm saying it now then. Don't be all weird.

Look, point is that Beats and Roche got their kid now,

and I can't stay there any more and I just want us to get back together.

But do you think anything has actually changed?

No, but that's the point, like. Nothing needs to change.

Like, we'll just go back to how it was.

-That's not how it works. -Do you want to explain how it works to me. Can I come in?

-No, I don't think it's a good idea. -What? Have you got a man there?

What?! Of course not. The point is that you don't give a shit.

You're only here cos Beats kicked you out.

It's not Beats' house. It's Roche's house and they didn't chuck me out.

-They asked me to leave. -You only care about yourself.

You're so lucky to have me and you haven't got a clue.

-Yeah? Well, maybe you ain't got a clue, mate. -I deserve more than this.

Yeah, well, good luck trying to find someone better than me!

Fuck's sake!

Miche! Oh, come on!

That's not what I meant. That's not how it's meant to happen. Miche!

Miche!

Please, Miche.

I'm sorry.

Fuck's sake.

Let's take the stairs.

If you're happy, yeah, you should make sure that nothing changes.

Just do the same thing every day for the rest of your life.

Yeah, but change is good, though, innit?

Like, sometimes it's good to leave your comfort zone.

Like, I didn't think I'd like Thai food. It's actually quite bangin'.

All right, mate?

Yep.

[Miche] Am I philosophical? Yeah.

And that's why I think that memes and sayings can really help out.

Dance like nobody's watching.

If you love someone, let them go.

When you're at your weakest you need to be at your strongest.

What you doing?

It's a bag.

[Miche] What's that?

-A Valentine's card. -It's beautiful. Thank you.

[sniffs] Mmm!

Chateau blanche.

-No, it's red. -Is it?

[Steves] I believe that everyone has a purpose on this Earth

and that we will never know what that is.

Thanks, Nan.

What's that?

Do you want one? Helps you relax.

[Steves] Cos you can spend your whole life thinking and you get to the end,

and your brain turns off and that's it.

So you might as well just...

chill out, enjoy it a little bit.

Yeah, go on then. Fuck it.

[Grindah] If you find something you like, you should just keep doing that,

regardless of what anyone else says, yeah?

Like, that's living the dream.

Fuck everything else, yeah?

Life's too short. Innit?

Yeah.

Grindah.

Grindah.

Uh?

[laughs]