Original subtitles

Roche, do you need your passport to go in Ipswich?

Only if you're going via France.

Right. I'll have to double-check with Chabuds.

-You might need it for the tolls up North. -You don't.

You know, this is our first out-of-town gig,

and, um, it's my first gig as their manager, so, uh...

I need to prove that, um... Hold on.

I need to prove that I'm...

..worth it. [laughs]

But, no, in all seriousness, like, um, you know...

The boys have put their trust in me and I can't let them down.

[Beats] We basically fight to sort it all out, so just let Chabuds do it really.

Yeah, like, we've got to focus just on the performance.

It's our first nationwide tour, so....

-Spreading the seed. -Yeah. Lyrically!

-And literally as well, innit? -Yeah.

Big night! Big night!

Tonight is gonna be quite the test with all the bloody groupie action.

Sweet! Good to go.

Oh! Only bloody forgot the condoms, didn't I?

[Miche] Got you some breakfast.

[director] So have you and Grindah broken up?

No, we haven't broken up. I'm just giving him some time

to think about what he really wants and, you know,

think about all the things that he's been taking for granted.

And in the meantime, it gives me a chance to get to know who Miche really is.

Some Miche time.

-Easy. -You all right?

Oh, we're out of milk, mate.

-Oh, is there not enough left for me? -No, I like it really milky.

[Grindah] Ugh! You having it dry?

[Grindah slurps up his milk]

-I can't wait. Excited? -Yeah, same. Jinx. [laughs]

-You ready, mate? -Oh, hold on.

-[horn beeps] -Oh, mate! He's here.

-Yes! Come on, let's go. -Come on.

You seen this? Our very own tour van.

-This is the official Kurupft FM tour bus. -Brother!

-Yeah? -Smashed it.

I've designated a driver as well.

So, Deecy, ali up me, brother, okay?

And, boys, for you...

-I've installed a state-of-the-art sound system! -Ah, yes! We love music!

-Customised interior as well. -That's why I did it.

[director] How long is the tour going to be then?

Put it this way, yeah? One leg naturally follows another.

-Oh, so is there a second? -There's not a second, just...

-Loads of shows. -At the moment, it's one booking, but, yeah.

-You never know. On the way back from...Ipswich. -We might find somewhere.

Look at that! Personalised window plates.

-"No photos" cos we're famous! -That's it, fuck off!

I love travelling!

-[Steves gags] -Ugh! Steves.

-Steves, you been sick already? -I've got a delicate system, innit?

If you're gonna be sick constantly, then get into the back.

-I don't want to see or smell you. Shoot! -I just got it cleaned as well.

-Get out. Just get out. -It's worse in the back.

[Steves] My job on tour is to a) DJ...

B) keep up the vibe.

And c) try not to be sick in the car.

[director] How do you think you'll on those?

Uh, good on the first two, not so good on the last one.

Get in! See you later, mate.

-Comfy as well. -Oh-ho, mate!

-[beeps horn] -Oh! [laughs]

This is gonna be incredible! Uh!

-You all right, Miche? -Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine. Thank you.

Just you've been shampooing her hair for about 20 minutes, so...

Yeah. No, it's just, um...

She had very dirty hair, so I just...

Getting it all cleaned up.

[director] Have you spoken to Grindah?

No, not yet. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.

-Is that a quote? -Yeah, it's from one of my favourite memes.

-Oh, mate, follow that sign to the North! -The North!

Fuck it, this is proper, like... We're in a jungle right now.

Look at that, it's like the bloody Serengeti.

[Beats] This is actually the most amount of green I've ever seen.

[director] And are you excited about the tour?

He hasn't stopped banging on about it, bless him.

No, can't wait to go travelling, yeah, yeah.

First time leaving the manor and that. It's gonna be sick.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Like proper leaving. Like motorway leaving.

Yeah, d'you know what I mean?

[Grindah and Beats rap]

-Old time beat upon the deck. -When I'm on the mic I...

-[both] Bass 'em, bass 'em! -Cos I look like Jason Statham.

Lyrically, I helter skelter cos physically I'm Idris Elba.

-Fuckin' hell, yeah. -Yeah, I look like him, innit?

-Yeah, that's mad. -All right, guys, guys, guys.

I have organised a services stop in T minus 400 yards.

-Hope you're hungry. -Oh, what?!

-Chabsie! -Come on, boy!

-Come on! -Smashed it, brother!

Stevie! Wake up, boy!

Wipe yourself down. We're going services.

Yeah, clean the sick off your chin, you mess!

I'm starving. What you going go for?

Crisps.

Come on!

-[laughter] -Services!

I'm about to get serviced! Oh, mate!

-Remember, stay in the budget. -Have they've got different flavour crisps up North?

Only time will tell. After you.

-Thank you. -[laughter]

Straight off the back, I'm having them.

Soup? [laughs] Who eats soup?

-Oh, f.... -All right, mate.

-What's that smell? -Oh, it's just...

I'll clean it up later.

It's fine. I didn't have breakfast. It's mainly just spit.

Is this Ipswich?

Grindah. They've got a coffee machine.

-What? -Where you can make your own coffee.

I don't even like coffee but I'm going to have one cos it looks sick.

-I'm gonna have one as well. -Yeah, have a go.

-It's a computer! -Yeah, I know.

-Has it got Wi-fi? -It's an iPad. Go on, have a go.

Watch it go, watch it go!

-Oh, it's loading. -Watch it go.

What?! It's coming out of the computer!

-Oh, mate! [laughs] That's fucking mental! -That is sick.

Oh! Hi, Deecy.

We're like twins, you know that? Go on.

-What am I thinking right now? -Don't know.

I was thinking how great it is that we're on our first lads' holiday together.

Hey. Hands up!

[laughs] It's a joke, man. Banter.

Chabads, you gotta go and pay, mate.

Yeah. You lot stay in the budget and that?

Yeah, yeah. Go and pay. They're waiting for you.

[laughs] Bare munch!

I'll pay, I'll pay, I'll pay. How much is it?

£43 for that stuff and £20 for the petrol.

Forty... £43?

You know, it can be expensive being a manager. There's loads of expenses.

And, obviously, you need to front the cash for the artistes.

I willing to do that, cos I know that it's gonna come back tenfold.

You like gold?

-I need cash, man. Pay the £43. -Melt this down.

Whilst they're making the number-one hits,

I'm gonna be the one who's laughing. 15%, baby.

Simon Cowell, Puff Daddy. I'm a mogul. That's what moguls do.

Give me the five... This is not Marrakesh, man.

This is a petrol pump, man. Give me the other five.

Bloody Asian people.

It was a bit over-budget, yeah? Just be careful next time.

-No worries, mate. -I'll put it...

-Ugh! That's disgusting. -Aw, get that away from me!

The crisps are ribbed for pleasure.

Kurupt boys going global, mate.

Fuck.

Where they... Have they gone?

-Right, Miche. -Yeah?

We've decided that we're taking you out for drinks tonight.

-Me and the girls. -Oh, my God! Really?

-Yeah! -My first-ever work drinks.

Oh, my God! Amazing!

Are we going to go straight from here? Cos I'm just thinking,

I'll get my mum to drop off my outfit

-and I could jump on the sun-bed for a bit. -Not worry about it too much.

-It's just drinks. -Yeah, I know. Of course. Fine.

Work drinks. I literally can't believe it!

-I've never been before. -Yeah, just local drinks. Be nice though, won't it, girls?

-Yeah. -It's gonna be mental.

It's literally drinks round the corner, so don't...

-Don't stress about it. -I love round the corner. Perfect. I love drinks.

[Grindah] What? This ain't even a real place?

-Decoy, where are we? -I ain't got a clue.

-Why are you driving there then? -Boys, don't worry.

It's a shortcut. I know where I'm going. Just turn that round.

Yeah, we're fine. Keep going.

-Is this a village? -Yeah, we're in a village, man.

-Look at that! Stop the van. -Hurry up, brother.

One sec, one sec. [laughs]

[laughs]

Cum.

All right, mate. Are you going to Ipswich, by any chance?

I'm not. Sorry.

Um, are you going near Ipswich?

-Nowhere near. -Nowhere near?

Sorry.

Cos I won't be sick in your car...

I'm still going to Ipswich.

-Is it that one, yeah? -That's right, boys.

-Sick. It looks nice as well. -Yeah, it's a Ramada...

Come on, get out. I need to stretch my legs, man. Fucking long.

-Ah, mate! That is long. -Yeah.

They should have some sort of rule about driving more than an hour.

-Yeah. -Journeys shouldn't last that long.

I can't stop thinking about that place.

-Ashfield-cum-Thorpe. -Yeah.

-Cum's a joke, innit? -Come on, Stevie. Oh?

-What's happened? Has he been sick? -Shit! No, he's...

-What? -Oh, shit!

-At least we've got the bags though, innit? -Every silver cloud.

-Decoy, that's you, mate. -Cheers, mate.

-Right, let's go. Ramada Inn! -My new estate.

Do you reckon they've got free Wi-fi?

-Of course they have. -100%, mate.

Look at that, "International"!

Told you Kurupt was going global.

Ladies, ladies! What time is it?

-I think it's wine o'clock! -Yeah! I love wine.

-Cheers, ladies. -Cheers!

Here's to a big night out.

Night out, not a big one.

Mmm!

That is... Oh! [laughs]

Work's drinks, bitches! Lavender out on the town!

-Lavender! -2016!

-Yeah! -Oh, and, Grindah, if you're watching...

-Miche doesn't need you to have a good time, yeah? -You scum!

All right, Jackie, love, calm down.

-Do you want a drink, Jackie? -Yeah, I'm not gonna post that one.

-Pretty big, innit? -It's like a Coliseum, innit?

Of course it's massive. They're gonna have to fill the shit out of it for us, innit?

-Is it a sold-out event? -100%, mate.

You lot got enough tape? Cos we're about to smash this place up, mate.

The promoter, yeah? Nice to meet you, mate. Chabuddy G, manager of Kurupt FM.

Nice to meet ya. Okay, let me take you on through.

We've set up like a green room for you.

I've set up like a green room for you guys, yeah?

-Oh, arena one, very nice. -Nuts!

The DJ's gonna have to turn that shit off before we go on.

-Pool table as well. -Yeah. It's quiet at the moment, but it will pick up.

Okay, let me relay that message on. It's quiet at the moment, but it will pick up.

Tell him that I've done all this shit before. It's not my first club night.

-It's our second. -Don't get involved constantly!

Rider, where's the rider?

I've the beers and the Bob Marley party pack.

Bob Marley party pack. Spot on!

[Grindah] If you go to a promoter and you give him your rider,

you can't just write, "Oh, I want bare skunk now," yeah?

You've got to disguise it somehow, d'you know what I mean?

-Bob Marley party package, innit? -Exactly.

Soon as you write that, they know what time it is.

Feel free to sit on the boxes.

Crate of beer, all for us, on the house.

Rider sorted out, all by the manager.

A wig? What is it?

-It's a Bob Marley party pack. -You...

Bob Marley party pack?! That's a code word!

-Where's the fucking skunk? -There's like these spliffs.

You didn't get...? That's what I meant.

As the manager of Kurupt FM, I expect you to listen to me.

-Cheers, brother. -These are special artists, mate.

Okay, mate? Good, good. Boys, all sorted, all sorted.

-Grindah. -[Chabuddy laughs]

-That is quite funny, actually. -[laughter]

Excuse me. Are you going to Ipswich?

-Ipswich? Yeah, we are. -Yeah, you are?

Do you reckon I could come to Ipswich?

It's just all my mates have left me, so...

I won't be sick in the car or anything.

-Okay. Okay. -Yeah?!

He said yeah! They all said yeah.

We're going to Ipswich. We're going to Ipswich!

See you lot later!

[Steves spits] I'm really sorry, man.

Hopefully, it won't stain or anything, so...

Sorry. I can walk the rest of the way.

Bye, Charlie. See you later.

Oh, I wish I hadn't thrown away that bit of paper now.

Rosé then, ladies? Right.

-Lavender! -[all] Lavender!

-Brilliant! -Do you want a rosé, Miche?

Can I have a double vodka and lemonade, please?

To Miche, to Miche!

Ah, thank you!

Snapchat!

-If we have a good month, I'm thinking of... -Does anyone want another drink?

Um, I'm all right, actually.

Well, get used to this, boys.

-Yeah. -This is the life.

-Cheers! -Salaam.

[Beats] According to Chabuds, in Ipswich we've got a huge fan base.

Put it this way, we got poked four times on Facebook.

-Poked? -Poked.

It just shows you the attention these guys are getting.

[Chabuds] I mean, Get Out The Way was on YouTube. It's been up for four years now.

382 plays.

17 likes, eight dislikes.

-You do the maths. -Mm.

Okay, guys, guys!

Guys, shut up! Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you, all the way from Brentford,

Kurupt FM! Make some noise!

-[track plays] -There's a dead MC on the floor.

Who's that standing above him?

He's got a microphone and it's pointing in this direction.

I think it might be MC Grindah.

Who?

[along with the track] MC Grindah.

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw leaving every MC down on the floor ♪

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪

♪ I said bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw leaving every MC down on the floor ♪

♪ Dial 999, it's an emergency... ♪

Is she having another one?

Knocking 'em back! Wow!

-Ooh, hello! There she is. -Shot time, bitches!

Put down all your boring drinks. Here we go.

-Pick one up. -Oh, no, thank you, not for me.

I wasn't going to have a big night tonight, Miche.

Come on, Susan, don't be a pussy.

You're ruining the party for everyone, ain't you? Come on!

No, I can't do that. No, it's disgusting.

-Aw, that's mental that. -No, thank you. No, thank you.

Ooh, that's nice.

♪ Babylon, get out the way! Galatasaray, get out the way! ♪

-That's the best one. -♪ Get out the way! ♪

When I say Kurupt, you say FM.

Kurupt! Kurupt!

Guys, do you have any house music?

What? Course we don't have any fucking house music!

That's everything we stand against.

Okay, it's just cos this is more of a house crowd.

Oh, it is? Okay, I'll sort that out right now. Who likes house music?

Is it? Well, fuck off and get out!

-You lot, get out! -Who said that?

House music is disgusting, yeah?

I'll tell you why, as well. It's not only the music.

But it's the type of people that listen to it.

-Chabuds, eject that guy now! -Stand behind me.

[Grindah] Hold me back, man. I'm gonna fuck that little prick.

-Yeah, yeah, you deal with it. -Tell him I'm gonna fight him!

Do you want me to hold you back?

Just disgusting freaks

with sleeve tattoos and fucking women's jeans on and that.

Spend more time at the gym than actually, like, doing stuff.

-D'you know what I mean, yeah? -With, like, shaved ball bags.

Yeah, exactly.

-[chatter] -Does anyone want another drink?

No, no, I've gotta go. I've got a bus to get.

-Get something to eat maybe? -Yeah.

Ah, she's getting me drunk! Are you getting me drunk, Tanya?

-No, the opposite! The opposite! -Oh, yeah!

-I can hear you. That's really loud, okay? -We love each other.

-Oh? Yeah? -Yeah!

-Let's have a little dance. -Oh, no!

Get those hips o-o-o-out!

I kinda wish it did kick off in there, actually, cos I would have stunned him.

One, one! Two, two! Whack! Straight over the head and he would have been out.

Uh! Uh! Uh! Yeah, it gets a bit mental.

But it's all part and parcel, d'you know what I mean?

What's happened to all the groupies? You said it would pick up in a bit.

I'm sorry. I know it's been a bit of a weird one.

-Do you want some coke? -What?!

-You lot doing coke? -Steves!

-Steves! -Yes, bruv!

This place is fucking long to get to, man.

-How did you get here? -Why don't we do London gigs?

Tanya!

Your phone's gone to voice-mail!

Where you lot gone?

I'm still here. So just come back. Get out your house!

I love you! Bye, Mum!

Oh, no!

Sorry, I called you "Mum".

I was told Kurupt FM were gonna sell out the venue.

-There's no one here. There's no money in the till. -You didn't market it right!

I tell you what, mate, you're brown-listed. Idiot!

Listen, mate, I've got some bad news. Basically,

the promoter didn't make enough money to pay us the fee.

So he's going to pay us as soon as his student loan comes through.

Bruv, this whole fucking thing's been a joke.

If I don't get my money now, I'm going go fucking schiz.

-No, please, don't mate. Don't go schiz, mate. -You know what I'm like.

Guys, guys, guys.

-Are you the guys who were doing the music there? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Is it all right if we get a selfie? -Huh? Yeah.

Yeah. You like that, yeah? Yeah.

-Cool. -Is it all right if I get a selfie with you lot?

-Yeah, okay. -You're not meant to ask that.

I want a picture of a groupie as well.

-I'm not a groupie! -Oh, great, so you've spoilt it for me.

You guys are saying it, so...

Okay, cool. There we go.

-Shall we get going? -I was just going to say, uh...

We've got a little after-party thing if you lot are on it.

-Yeah, sure. Where? -Ramada Inn.

And also...

Free. That's our new single as well.

-That's a little bit of sick on there... -Shhh!

Okay, come on then. You definitely on it?

-[girl] They smell funny. -Are we going?

[Steves] No, it's mine. It's all natural.

-We've got the chicks here. -It's the hotel room.

-After-party crew! -Sit down, sit down.

-Oh, sick! Look, there's a mini-bar. -Oh, is it?

-Have a couple of beers, yeah? -Yeah, yeah. Want some beers, girls?

They're not free! We've got to pay for them.

-Fucking hell! It's £6 each. -£6? They're not fucking about. It's expensive stuff.

Only the best will do. There you go.

-Share that one. -Thanks.

We've actually got this saying that goes...

-what happens on tour... -[both] Stays on tour.

It just means that anything goes, sort of thing.

Exactly. Fuck you, Mum, you bitch! I can do whatever I want now.

Yeah, fuck off, Mrs Bates! You can't control him any more.

Yeah, you dickhead! [laughs]

-Oh... -Oh...

-How is your mum, anyway? -Yeah, really good, really good.

So, uh, do you lot come to hotels much or...?

-No, not really. -No? Cool.

I do. All the time, yeah.

-And better ones than this, as well, so... -Cool.

Are we all supposed to be staying in here tonight, yeah?

Yeah, we're on a bit of a limited budget, so just the one room today, so...

Get tight, get cosy.

I might just go and sleep in the van. There ain't enough space in here.

-Plus, we're up in three hours. -Probably for the best.

Deecy. Deecy, Deecy. I'll come with you, man. It'll be good to chat.

Good little catch-up, you know what I mean? So, yeah?

-I'll leave you guys to it. -Cool, man. See you in a bit, Chabsie.

-[Steves] So everyone's staying in this...room? -Yeah.

I was just going to say, probably best that you sleep in the bath actually,

just in case you piss yourself. Be easier.

All right.

-Oh, what, now? -[both] Yeah.

-It's getting a bit late. -All right, man.

-You've had a long day. -It's been heavy for you.

-Thanks for a cool party. -Yeah, no worries.

-Nice to meet you. -See you later, mate.

See you.

[director] So have you ever been with another woman other than Miche?

[Grindah] Phoar, yeah. Too many to remember, actually. Yeah.

You can't remember any of them?

You won't know them.

All right, then.

Uh...Lucy.

S...Sarah.

Jessica.

Uh...

Oh, hazy memory.

Uh, Jen... I've said Jennifer, ain't I?

-So what do you guys do, anyway? -We're students.

-Students? Mm. -Um, just a quick question.

You're both over 16, yeah?

-Mm-hm. -Cool. Perfect.

Why is that perfect?

Cos it's all above board, innit?

It's legal.

Wooh! It's the night bus, Tyn!

I've got chicken and chips. Got big chicken...

Oh, battery's run out.

What a bloody mental night.

-Do you reckon that's covering it all? -Yeah. Let me just...

Check the other side. Yeah, a little trick we made up on tour.

Fuck the system! D'you know what I mean?

[mouths]

I think we're actually... We're gonna go, but it was really nice to meet you.

-What? I've got a zoot. -We don't really smoke.

-It's cheese. -Nice to meet you guys, though.

-Thank you for the picture. -[fire alarm blares]

Fuck! Fucking dickhead! Did you put it on properly?

-I think so. It usually works. -Baited!

Come on. Steves, you can't...

Oh, you set the fire alarm off. Oh, for f...

I always have a zoot before bed.

Probably just a false alarm, anyway.

-[fire alarm blares] -Beats! Beats!

I'll get that.

Can't smoke anywhere these days, innit?

-Have a nice night, anyway. -No worries.

-Maybe another night when the fire alarm didn't go off. -Yeah, probably not.

-Bye! -See you later.

-[they laugh] -Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God! -How crazy was that?

How you doing? Don't know if you've heard.

Words going round that I nearly had a threesome tonight.

-Did you? Where they gone? -Yeah.

Oh, they had to shoot off cos the bloody fire alarm went off.

[Chabuds sighs]

You know what, Deecy?

This is the best lads' holiday I've ever been on.

[sighs]

Hey, Deecy.

We should get matching Ipswich tattoos.

Deecy, you asleep?

I'll get mine on my lower back.

Deecy?

Deecy?

Good night, my brother from down under.

-Down under? -Jamaica, isn't it?

[sighs]

Good night, my Jamaican prince.

Mummy!

-[Miche groans] -Mummy!

Mummy!

Yes?

-What's wrong, Mummy? -Nothing's wrong.

Mummy just went out with her friends last night and had a nice time.

Are you having a nice time right now?

Yes, Angel. Don't be clever.

Ah, definitely ready for my own bed now though.

-You're not staying at mine? -Yeah, that's what I meant.

How long do you think it'll be till Miche let's you back in?

I might not take her back, mate, especially with the groupie action popping off.

Boring driving, innit? Innit, Chabs?

-Yeah. -Chabs?

Ah, he's asleep. Watch this.

Aaaaaaaah! We're crashing!

[laughter]

-You idiot! -He thought he was gonna die!

-[laughter] -Oh!

Oh, fuck it! He'll make his own way back. He always does, innit?

-Decoy, tomorrow, yeah? -Yeah.

I'll hook you up on MSM, Deecy!

Do you maybe just want to pop yourself into the treatment room.

I don't want you to be sick in front of the customers.

-Roche, I'm home. -Hello.

Sometimes you gotta switch the pace up.

Get out your comfort zone. Go travelling.

Because you'll come back a better man.

-How was it? -Yeah, pretty draining.

-Was it? -Yeah, my eyes are sore. I think I've got jetlag.

We went Ipswich and it was shit,

but it was a test of our character.

Oh! Different bed every night.

It's all part of the rock-star lifestyle, innit?

[Beats] And that's what life's about, mate. Enjoy it, even the shit moments.

Or it'll just make you depressed.