Original subtitles

Okay, everyone? We're going to watch a video on breast-feeding.

Hopefully, this video's going to make you feel increasingly comfortable about it,

so, uh...enjoy.

[TV] Get off to a good start with these tips on positioning.

Correct positioning and attachment

will prevent damage to the nipples.

You'll get better and better at following his cues.

-[Darren] Tit! -Tit!

..Then you can offer the second when it's appropriate.

-Shh-shh-shh. -Your nipple should be opposite your baby's nose.

-Like the end of a Peperami. -Mate, you are this close!

Darren is my new, very, very good mate that I met at dad classes.

Um, it's going pretty well.

I actually feel like there's something there, d'you know what I mean?

We're just gonna take it slow and see what happens really. But, yeah, really good.

Big up, Dazzler.

-..Away from the nipple area. -This is your final warning.

Do you understand? Do you understand, Darren?

Yep.

-Tickle her lips... -[muffled laughter]

[laughter continues]

-I love tits. -[laughter]

-All right, that's it. -What?

I didn't wanna come here in the first place. This was for you, not for me.

Hang on.

-What?! -[Darren laughs]

Roche!

Just thought they looked like Peperamis.

[door bell rings]

Angel, door!

-Hello. -Hello, you must be Angel?

-Yeah. -Easy.

-This is Becky, by the way. -Hi, nice to meet ya.

-Yeah. -One sec, Decoy.

-Mummy? -Yes.

-Decoy loves her. -Shut up!

He doesn't love... They've only just started seeing each other.

-It's nothing serious, so... -Right, I'm off.

See you lot in a bit, yeah? Come on, let's go.

-Say bye to Daddy. -See ya!

-[director] So are you a loving family? -Yeah.

Definitely. We always tell each other we love each other, don't we?

I love a lot of things, like. Love radio...food and that.

Yeah...yeah.

-Oh, actually. Sorry. -Ah!

Forgot. I need it for fags and that.

Maybe just don't take it out of the wedding fund.

No, it's fine. I need it for zoots. I'll put back the change later. See ya.

What do you think life will be like when you're married?

It's gonna be amazing, isn't it? It's going to be such a big change.

We'll be set for life, won't we? Getting married and that's it, just happily ever after.

Yeah...happily ever after.

-It's proper chaffing, innit? -I'm freezing.

-[soul music on car stereo] -What's this shit?

You know I need jungle to wake me up in the morning.

Mate, she's doing my nut in, man.

-Why? What's up? -It's just all the wedding shit, innit?

"Oh, I'm getting married," and that.

That's sick though, right?

-Not really. -No?

Just take a leaf out of your book, get a younger team.

-Yeah? -Have you got a sister?

-No. -Oh...

[door bell rings]

Steves.

[door bell rings]

Steves.

Oi, oi! Bo-Nan-za!

-There she is. -There he is!

-How you doing? -My favourite grandson. Mwah!

I'm her only grandson, so I win by default.

I wanted to come and present you...

with aka ten pound.

Oooh! What's it for?

For the goodie bag you gave me the other day.

Cos I've got a job now, so I'm gonna start paying you.

-How's the new job? -Yeah, it's all right.

It's my dream job, in a way.

-If it was like... quite a boring dream. -Oh!

-You have it. -You sure?

You might find it come in useful. [sniffs]

I'll have the tenner if no one wants it.

-Shut up, Peter! -[he laughs]

All right.

-See ya later. -Yeah, see ya.

-Oh, thank you. -It's all right.

-Do you want me to cook tonight? -Bruv, hurry up, cos we're already later to radio.

-All right. -I'll see you tonight, yeah?

-Yeah. -[Grindah] Uh!

Hurry up!

[horn beeps]

Decoy!

-Fucking hurry up, mate! -I'm coming, I'm coming.

-See you later. -See you later.

What's up, man, fucking hell!

"What's up, man? Fucking hell"? She was in my seat!

-What's wrong with that? -You know what's wrong. Just fucking drive, mate.

Are you excited? Get ready.

She's coming, she's coming.

Any minute.

-One... -Sorry, Miche, hold on.

[both] It's your baby shower!

Let's not call it a baby shower, eh, Miche?

-We got you a sash. -Oh, so you did.

You need to have a sash if it's a baby shower.

-It's not a proper baby shower without one. -Craig's through there, love.

-Thanks. -Baby Mumma.

A few baby bits here as well. No big deal.

Exciting!

-Hello, Craig! -All right?

-Excited about the baby shower? -Yeah.

Do you think Beats and Roche, do you think they make a good couple?

Yeah, they do. They're having the baby together.

It's a really exciting time for them. They're a strong united front.

Oh, thank you for these.

-Hoodie. Simple. -Got a lot of pink.

Gold boots. Little booties. Can't beat 'em.

It's an exciting time for them. They just gonna grow together.

Obviously, they've got Craig there already. It's a beautiful family unit...

that we all wish we could have.

So...

How is bump?

-It's a baby. -Hello, bump!

Ah, let's... Nice and warm.

-Yeah. -Yeah!

What's she doing?

-Probably just lying there. -Ah...

New developments in the Champagne Steam Bar world.

Drum roll, please.

Oooooooh!

Champagne Steam Bar... Yeah, we know that.

And kitchen. Come on! [laughs]

My empire is constantly expanding.

First of all, I had the internet café, yeah?

Then I had my own nightclub. Then I had my own bar.

And now I'm throwing a restaurant into the mix.

And I'm saving money by having it all on the same industrial estate.

What happened to those colour-coded chopping boards I asked you for?

Okay. They're on the way. I'm just waiting for the paint to dry.

That's just a joke. Um, how's your new kitchen assistant doing?

-Oh, he's doing really good. -Yeah?

-Chabsie! -Stevie!

-Stevesie, just use this and keep the sleeves clean. -What's that?

-It's a tea towel. -Tiny towel?

You know, it's like The Apprentice. I'm Alan Brown Sugar.

So these are my apprentices and I have to put them through tasks and challenges.

Can you work on less than minimum wage?

Can you work in conditions that probably will be inhumane?

Get back to work! [inaudible]

You know, these are challenges. This is Apprentice, you know?

And then, if you're lucky enough, you're hired.

Seen these as well? Tiny cups.

Like I'm a giant. I am a giant, but more of a giant.

-Is he joking? -Don't worry. He's very cheap.

[Beats laughs] That is sick!

That is... With an axe.

So what, mate? I shouldn't be haven't to call shotgun.

It's my radio station. I'm your employer, end of.

-Yeah, but I pay you though. -To be at my station, so...

The point is, she shouldn't be sitting in the front seat. It's my seat. Innit, Beats?

Yeah, that's Grindah's chair. It's got the lumbard support exactly how he likes it.

No, not... In his car.

Oh, sorry, man. Darren just sent over these jokes, pranking videos.

Great! Pranking's my thing. Fuck's sake!

Darren's really into it as well. I think you'll really like him.

No, I wouldn't. I don't like anyone and nor should you. End of.

What do you think of Beats getting new friends?

I ain't here to tell Beats who he can and can't be mates with.

It's his life. Let him do what he wants.

But don't come running back to me when it all goes wrong.

Cos man ain't gonna be there in the end.

No, I am gonna be there to make sure I see his face

when I have a go at him when he's learnt his lesson.

Don't need new friends if you've got a real friend like me.

[drum and bass plays]

Where'd you...? Is that a new phone? Where'd you get the P for that?

Nah, Darren gave it to me. He had a spare one, so...

-What?! -Yeah, yeah. Said I could have it.

-Sick, innit? -Just gave you...

Do you know what? There's a new rule. No phones at radio.

If you want to talk to your weird little mates and that, do it on your own time.

Go out and speak to them, your little girlfriends and that. Put your phones away!

No phones.

See that? You can actually take pictures on it.

Yeah, but the battery lasts about two hours.

-But you can go on YouTube... -On my Nokia, the battery lasts three days.

-Yeah. It's sick though. -No, not really.

That's, uh, going to table number seven.

That one's going to table number five, okay?

Is everything meeting your expectations? Thank you.

Still bit of meat on that.

I'm enjoying the perks of the new job. Tenner a day.

And access to food, free food...

that hasn't been eaten yet.

Waste not, want not.

Well, some that has and then I just eat the rest of it.

So, old food?

Not old but very much second-hand food.

Today we have the gourmet piri-piri chicken, £6.

Gourmet hot wings, £6.50.

And we also have, my favourite, the avant-garde avocado.

The main challenge of running a restaurant is the menu.

People don't just want to walk in and eat shit off a plate.

Yeah? Give it a stupid name and they eat it!

This is a Barcelona burger from Barcelona.

Even put the lisp in the Barcelona. Barcelona.

"Oh, it's organic! Look at the mud!" It's just been on the floor, mate.

Stupid bastards, d'you know what I mean?

How's the wedding planning going?

God, has everyone been talking about it?

No. It's just you sent me a text invitation.

Yeah, I'm barely sleeping from worrying about it all.

As long as Grindah's pulling his weight.

-Yeah. -Where's Craig?

He's upstairs, love.

Craig! Craig!

To be honest...

I just thought he'd have been a bit more excited about it all.

If anything, it feels like he avoids me quite a lot now!

Well, that's no good. Oh, don't cry, Miche, don't.

[she sobs]

-Sorry. -Don't apologise.

I just feel like I'm living a lie.

Like, what if he's not the perfect man that I think he is?

Oh, no.

-He's, um... -Everyone thinks he's the dream man.

He's probably really nice when you get to know him.

-[music plays] -[Beats] Who's there?

Dickhead who? [laughs]

-Oh, you saying I'm a dickhead. -Fucking Darren, mate!

[laughs] You're mental, Darren, mate!

Yeah! We should go on holiday.

Beats!

I'd better go.

All right, mate, yeah. I'll see you tonight, yeah? [laughs]

Stop now, mate! Speak to you later. Bye.

Should've told him you're at radio.

What do you mean tonight? What if I wanted to do something?

Darren said you could come down the pub as well. He wants to meet you.

No, I'm busy actually.

-Is it? -Yeah, with my real friend.

-Do you ever get jealous? -Nah, I don't get jealous.

Beats can do what he wants. It's his life, innit?

I've given you an opportunity and you're running away with,

like, different men and that, yeah? Do your thing.

You up for doing something later?

Nah, I'm just gonna have an early one tonight.

-Fantasy, what about you? -Nah, I can't, man.

-Got cinema tickets. -Who goes cinema any more?

It's, like, 14 quid a ticket.

-Tia, my nan just came in. Nan! -No way!

Just came in.

Nan!!! Yes!

That is mad. I forget she can walk.

-Follow me. -Thank you.

-What's your nan's name? -Just Nan.

-But what does everyone else call her? -Steve's nan.

Okay. Never mind. Just go over there.

-Yes, Nan! -Hello.

-You all right? -Yes.

-How you doing, brother? -Oh, all right.

Handshake. Formal.

-Uh, do you like this? Look at that. -Very smart!

-Yes. Lovely! -Yeah, double-breasted.

This is actually what the professional chefs wear as well.

-So you know what you lot want? -I would like the chicken, Steve.

-The chicken. -The piri-piri.

If you don't finish it, don't worry.

[sighs]

-All right? -Not really.

Beats is being a proper selfish prick.

Where's the money that you took from the wedding fund?

Oh, yeah. No, I've got that. Here you go.

Every little helps, innit? There you go.

Oh! That was nothing. That's not enough. Like, this whole thing isn't enough.

It's all right. Chill out. What's up with her?

There you go. £2 coin, yeah? Bang. Happy?

-No, I'm not. -Why not? Stop stressing yourself out all the time.

It's just a wedding, like. Why you gotta be so intense?

-D'you even want to get married? -Uh? Yeah, like, probably.

-Yes or no? -Yes, then. Like...

Can't we do it in a few years when we've got more money and that. There's no rush, is there?

I knew it! You don't even want to get married.

I've sent out all the invitations. You're making me look stupid.

I didn't tell you to send them out, so you made yourself look stupid if anything.

Right, that's it! What's the point in me doing all this wedding stuff?

Why did you propose to me?

So do you ever argue with Miche?

Nah, not really, cos, like...

Me and Miche don't really get into arguments,

cos most of the time I'm right.

If I'm not, I'm clever enough not to admit that, so...

getting into an argument with me is completely pointless.

-This is my house! -It's our house.

I don't want you here. Go! This isn't your house any more.

-Stop shouting in front of... -Fuck off!

Stop shouting constantly in front of the camera.

-And if you're looking for your Avirex, I sold it. -You're fucking...

Well, joke's on you then, cos I was gonna wear that at our wedding!

I'm even more glad. It makes you look like a fat biker.

Don't...ever call me fat! You know I used to have weight issues.

D'you know what? I'm taking my £2 back now.

Take it. I literally don't care any more.

Do you know what, yeah? You keep it if you love it so much.

Prick.

These are on the house, as you're our special guests today.

Strong lager for you, mate Pete, yeah? Lad.

And for you, the new cocktail I designed. It's called a micro-cock...tail.

Okay? Packs a real punch. Size doesn't always matter.

Sometimes the best things are small...really tiny.

-I keep telling her that. -Eh? Lad alert!

Come on! We should hang. We should chill.

-How exciting. -All the best.

-Cheers! -Is your nan looking for love?

Is she looking for love, romance? No, no, no. She's done all that ages ago.

When you get to, like, her age, everything's just cool.

Like, you just have your meals or whatever. You don't do any weird stuff like that.

Ooh! [laughs]

-Does it have a kick? -I don't know what it is.

[they laugh]

You're very attractive when you giggle like that.

-Do you know that? -Don't be silly.

Grindah! Grindah's here. You're gonna love him.

-Trust me, yeah. -All right, mate?

Grindah's here. Ah, you're gonna love him.

-Yes, mate. You all right? -Thanks for coming down, man.

No worries. I thought I'd come down to meet Darren.

-Yeah. Darren. This is Grindah. -Hello, Darren, mate. Nice to meet ya.

-You all right, yeah? -Yeah, yeah.

You not drinking? You forgot your ID or something, eh?

-[laughter] -I'm so glad you lot finally met.

This is gonna be one of the best night's ever.

-Innit? -Yeah.

And the avant-garde avocado.

Belissi-botto.

-Mwah! -Oh, thank you.

And the piri-piri chicken. Mwah!

Tell you what, Steve's nan, best worker in the game, this guy.

-You should be proud. So good. -I hope you're paying him properly.

Well, that's something, you know, employer confidential...

-Tenner a day. -Good God!

-'Ere, I'll report you. -No, no, it's not t...

Tenner a day? I pay you more than...

-It's always a tenner a day. -I'm not having that! No, no.

I'm going to be having strong words with the accountant tomorrow.

-Make sure you do. -I will do it now for you, madam.

Ten pounds a day! Come on, mate!

Uh, enjoy the food.

-Right, thank you. -Does that mean I get paid more now, Chabsie?

I just got a text through and they have just confirmed

that you are on the right wage.

-Oh? Thanks for checking, man. -No problem, mate.

-[laughter] -I'll get the next ones in then.

You lot probably want to get to know each other.

-Same again? -Yes, please, mate.

Eh, a sec, Kev. Sorry, what's the capital of Thailand?

-Fuck knows. Singapore. -No. Bangkok!

Oh, that actually hurt as well.

-Good one, innit? -No, cos I've heard that one before.

I would've said, "Bangkok!" and blocked it straight away.

-Same again, yeah? -Yes, please.

♪ If you're happy and you know, clap your hands ♪

-Miche, tea's up, babe! -Thanks, Mum!

[she sings]

-Thank you. -'Ere are. Now, where are your bin bags?

Mum, I told you, we're not packing his stuff up.

This is your house, babe. You don't want all these reminders.

-Make the break-up even harder. -I told you, we're not breaking up.

-We're just, you know, taking some time out. -I hear ya.

Do you think Miche and Grindah make a good couple?

Not really, darlin'. He's punching well above his weight.

Well above his weight.

I just think she's worth more than that. She's my princess,

so I'm gonna say that, ain't I? But he is a tosser.

I'll tell you that for nothing.

I'll tell what we do? We'll just pack up his stuff anyway.

Pop it by the door, then if the break-up were to go ahead,

-God forbid, it'll be all ready. -No, Mum.

Put the bin bags down, Mum.

-Oh, there's the taxi. -Yeah, let's open the door for you.

There we go.

See you later. Are you gonna be all right getting back, yeah?

Ooh, I'll be fine. Peter will look after me.

Yes, you'll be well looked after.

-Yeah. -Let's get you back before you start getting tired.

I've got plenty of energy left!

-Ooh! -Are you doing something when you get back?

I certainly hope so!

-[they chuckle] -Yeah, yeah. Have a good one.

-Perhaps more than one! -Ooh, stop it!

-[laughter] -See you later, anyways.

-See you! -Right, darlin', see you. Bye!

-Bye, Steve! -Ta-ta, bye!

What do you think of him? He's proper safe, innit? Like on the level.

Not on my level, mate.

Here you go, boys.

-Oh, cheers, mate. -There's one.

There you are, pal.

Boys, you see that barmaid? Proper sort, mate, d'you know what I mean?

-Yeah. -Do you know what would make her look a lot better though?

-Go on. -My balls on her chin.

-[laughter] -The imagery, yeah.

I was just gonna say, are those Huaraches?

Huaraches, yes, mate, yeah. Proper comfortable. Good for raving.

He loves raving as well.

Well, what sort of music do you actually like then?

-A bit of everything, really. House, techno stuff. -House? Yeah?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -What's your standpoint on garage?

Garage? Fuck, man, I haven't listened to that for years.

Hang on a minute, it ain't 1998, is it?

-[he laughs] -No, it's not, mate.

Only an idiot would listen to garage though, isn't it?

-Fucking pile of shit! -Yeah! It is, innit?

-Why would you ever listen to garage? -I've got no fucking clue.

Hang on, I think So Solid Crew are calling me up!

-[laughter] -Listen, I tell you what.

Why don't we delete garage forever?!

-That's it, yeah. -You've got 21 seconds to go.

Go! Fuck off then if you've got 21 seconds to go. Just fuck off, garage!

Bunch of twats! Fuck off! Get outta my life, mate.

-Ah! -Make some good fucking music.

Funny fucker, you are.

Ah! I've just realised I've gotta shoot off, but, um...

Yeah, enjoy your night, lads, yeah? Oh!

See you later, boy. Nice to meet ya.

Nice to meet you, mate. Take care.

Yeah, I'm probably gonna shoot off as well, actually.

I've got, like, uh, an urgent thing.

-What, you going? -Keep the pints though, man.

All right. Well, I'll see you Thursday then, yeah?

I'll let you know.

-All right? -Come on, mate.

Let's get you home. You could do so much better than that.

I know.

Okay, who's up for a bit of champagne? Tia?

Yep. You know what? It's been a good day. Steves, do you want one?

Oh, no, I don't touch that stuff. Fucks with you head.

Oh, God! The good stuff.

This always make me jump. Shit!

-To my new business apprentice. -You're more like my apprentice, if anything.

To think, yeah, this place was nothing

and we've built up a whole restaurant together.

I'm basically Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon Chabsie!

I think we work really well together as a team.

I think we work really well together too. It's...

It's just beautiful.

-Let's not do that! -Sorry, I...

-I thought that was my moment. -It's okay. I think you just got things a bit twisted.

Look, you're my boss and I admire you as a professional.

We work really well as a team... And you've done it again.

Sorry. I just... read it wrong again.

-Bare washing-up to do, man. -Yeah.

Anyway, safe, man. See you tomorrow, yeah?

-See you tomorrow. -Or I was going say, actually.

-I might as well just stay round tonight. -No, I'll be fine, honestly.

-Yeah. Thanks for caring though. -Yeah, it's just...you know.

Good to make sure you're all right after what you've been through and that.

I'll be fine. Roche and Craig are there. They'll perk me up.

-No, that's cool. -Yeah.

Look, I just...

I just don't wanna go back home, man. Miche'll be doing my nut in and just...

-Oh? -Bare arguments and that.

-Did she kick you out? -No, she didn't kick me out. She just...

Look, it's complicated. I just can't go back there tonight.

-Mate, of course you can stay. -Yeah?

-SNM, mate. Say no more. -What did I tell ya?

-My casa is your casa. -[both] Come on, let's go in.

-Uh! -Uh!

Actually...just got to ask Roche if it's all right first.

Oh, great.

-Rochelle? -Yeah.

-Hi, Roche. -Hi.

-How are you? -Fine.

-How's Craig? -Fine.

Cool.

-Roche? -Yes?

Is it all right if Grindah stays tonight?

He had this big fight with Miche.

-She kicked him out. -She didn't kick me out.

I left cos she was acting weird. Did you put her in a bad mood?

I think you're more than capable of doing that yourself.

-Beats said I could stay, so... -Well, it ain't up to Beats.

-Beats? -Sorry.

Is it all right?

All right, you can stay, but just for tonight.

-Can I get a juice? -Help yourself, mate.

So did you have a nice drink with Darren?

Nah, shit. To be honest, I don't really wanna go parent classes any more.

-Well, you know I'm up for that. -Yeah.

-You don't need it these days. It's pointless. -Yeah.

Did something happen with Darren? You two seemed like you were getting on really well.

-Nah. -Nah.

He's just not who I thought he was.

I don't really want to talk about it, to be honest.

Oh, okay, I won't ask any more then.

-Do you some more now, Miche? -I'm all right, thanks.

-You sure? It does help. -Yeah, I'll see if the tea works.

If in doubt, drink wine.

Mummy, where's Daddy?

Oh, Daddy's having a sleepover at Uncle Beats's house.

-Why? -Why?

Because sometimes grown-ups

need to be separate,

because one's an idiot and takes everything for granted.

Mummy, Nana says you're an idiot.

No, she's not talking about me. She's talking about Daddy.

-Daddy? -Daddy's the idiot.

Daddy's a plonker.

-Brought you the sleeping bag. -Aah!

-Oh, this is beautiful. -I'll just...

Yeah. Oh, it's lovely being able to sprawl out, actually.

No one else in the bed. Aw!

-You got everything you need, mate? -Yeah, worked out perfectly.

Cos you've got the old widescreen TV in my room, so...

-You're always welcome round mine, mate. -Cheers, mate.

-Sleep well, soldier. See you in the morning, yeah? -Night, mate.

[Beats] Your best mates are there for you, like, to pick you up when you're down.

Like, if you need somewhere to stay, "Here's a bed."

You need some money, "Here's a bit of cash."

-What, you got some dough? -Nah, it's just what you say, innit?

-You wouldn't say it if you ain't got any money on you. -Sorry.

[snores]

[explosion and gunfire]

What the fuck? He's a fucking newb! What you doing, you mug?

Grenade him!

Oh, my God!