Original subtitles

Guess how many sleeps it is till the wedding?

-One day. -120. Close.

[Grindah] Orzeski Sola. What?

Where's all the...? Why's everything written in foreign?

-Have you been shopping at the fake supermarket again? -Yeah.

Just cos we need to save a little bit of money for the wedding fund.

-They taste the same, don't they? -Sort of.

Coco Krisps? These are fake Coco Pops! It hasn't even got the monkey on the front.

It's like the cereal version of two-stripe tracksuit bottoms.

You know I wouldn't be seen dead in them.

Great! It didn't even turn the milk chocolatey.

[director] So has Grindah contributed much to the wedding fund?

Uh, he hasn't put loads towards it yet, but...

he did contribute the jar itself

and that's, obviously, a massive help.

It's actually his old weed jar,

but I've just written "wedding fund" on it.

So now it looks like a completely different jar.

You can see bits at the bottom still, but...

Oh!

I forgot about that.

Another letter from Her Royal Majesty.

Funny how a moment of madness can change your life forever, isn't it?

-What's the letter? -Uh, just...

-Can't really talk about it at the moment, mate. -Okay.

But what I will say is it's just another...

bit of trouble with the law again, d'you know what I mean?

But they can't hold me down.

"Court case pending".

Basically, he got caught dropping a cigarette and he refused to pay the fine, so...

I mean, what do they expect people to do?

Walk around with their own ashtrays or something?

I mean, it's political correctness gone mad.

Oi, oi!

Bo-Nan-za!

There's my nan!

Oh, there he is, there he is.

-Are you all right, love? -Yes!

-Yes! -I didn't expect you.

-Sorry, man. Squeeze on there. -Make yourself comfortable.

-Did you get your prescription through today? -Yes, thank you.

-Oh, that's good, innit? -Yes, thank you.

That reminds me. Won't keep you a moment.

-Aaaaaagh! Yes! -Talk amongst yourselves.

Prescription day. It's really exciting.

D-I-Y.

Every champion needs his belt.

And I am DIY champion of the world. [laughs]

I'm definitely a handyman. I'm the guy you call. I'm the handy guy.

Handy Peters.

Uh! Breath in.

I did everything myself.

I came here, built an empire by myself, yeah?

Built the perfect home for myself.

Built the perfect wife for myself, until she... You know what happened.

But I'm a very DIY guy.

Nah, it's impossible.

There's too many pieces.

It should just come already done, innit?

-Hiya, Steve. -All right, Nan.

Is that enough?

Yeah, that's perfect! Oh, amazing.

You planning a big do, are you?

No, no, no, it's just a DJ set, but it's like an eight-hour one.

So it's quite a big deal for me.

I would say drugs can definitely help you to be, like, more creative.

Cos look at some of the best music ever made.

It's made by people that are just off their nut on drugs.

[director] Are you saying drugs have helped your music career?

I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the drugs,

I'll say that much.

'Ere, make sure you give your old nan a good shout out.

Obviously. Shout out my nan each and every!

-Shout out the jigsaw crew! -Yes, yes.

Shout the old colostomy bag crew!

Yes!

-Hi. -Rochie. How you doing?

-I'm all right. How are you? -Here to get busy.

-Okay, nothing structural. -Whey, Kevin!

-[laughs] DIY! DIY! -Yes!

-Just be sensible, yeah? -Don't worry, don't worry.

-Nothing massive. -Oh, that's what she said!

-Yeah, that is what she said. -Okay.

[Kevin] Yeah, I promised Roche that I'd get the baby's room ready in time for the birth.

It's actually called nesting.

Yeah, it's what birds do.

But, obviously, without using twigs or spit.

Hey, just throw it, just throw it. It's fine.

[director] You got Chabuds in to help you with the baby's room?

Yeah. I mean, Chabuds is one of those guys that can do anything.

And I thought, you know, like, he's cheaper

than getting a proper painter in.

On this wall, right,

I was thinking maybe we could have a memorial

with, like, loads of cartoon characters in, cos kids love that, innit?

They do love... Yeah, I can do that for you, no problem. I have all the classics.

The Mickey Mouse, the Goofy Ducks.

-I can do that, no problem. -Brilliant, brilliant.

-Really... -Craig! Do you want to help your old man?

Craig? Craig?

So you're gonna have a sister. Are you good with girlie things?

-Obviously not. -He used fake tan once.

-Yeah. -That was just an error.

I once showered with Roche's thing called Jolene.

I lost all my body hair.

-Bit worried about Craig, actually. -Yeah.

Apparently, when you have a new kid, right,

sometimes the older kid feels a bit left out.

Yeah, I've heard about that. You know what you need to do?

You need to get a piece of clothing, piece of cloth, from the baby,

and put the cloth directly under Craig's nose when he's sleeping.

That way, subconsciously, he will not feel threatened by the baby child, you know?

Yeah, I think that's dogs.

Actually, that is dogs. Yeah, that's dogs.

Yeah, that's probably enough, cos you've got gel on there as well.

Just going to give him some of this extra-firm hold, so...

Yeah, not too much! You've got quite a lot of product on that.

Ooh, Miche, I've got the details of that make-up artist we used for my wedding.

Oh, amazing! Thank you.

I don't know what our budget is yet, cos Grindah's got his court case tomorrow.

He still hasn't paid that fine? That is mental!

I know. I'm worried it's going to go up loads.

I read about this woman who disputed a parking fine.

She ended up having to pay loads more. She had to sell her car.

Oh, we'll be fine then, cos we haven't got a car, so...

I think it looks amazing.

Just do that. It creates a nice swoosh effect.

-Just be one with the paint. -Nice.

-I really get into it, you know. -[knocking on front door]

No, it's all right, the pregnant lady will get it.

Oh, hello. Are you here to help as well, are you?

-Uh? No. -No? What you here for then?

What am I here for? Beats wants me in my last hour.

Oh, that's right. Sent down for a cigarette.

-Yeah, I could be, so... -I know.

-Yeah, you know, so... -It'll be awful.

Yeah, you'll be awful.

How you boys doing? You all right?

-Yeah, so... -Easy, boys.

-Grindah! -Grindah!

-Yes! Thanks for coming, man. -No worries.

-Thanks for helping out. -No, no, no, none of that.

I got court tomorrow, so I can't get any paint on me.

-Big day, innit? Of course. -Yeah.

Ah! Never noticed that tree before.

Only things you notice when your freedom's at stake, innit?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Is jail tough? -Depends who you are, mate.

Not for me, d'you know what I mean, like?

Fucking jail's jail, innit? You do your T.

You ride it and you duck out, like.

-You, uh, packed your jail bag yet? -Good point.

Make sure I've got all the old jail essentials.

Apart from the contraband shit, of course. There's other ways of getting that in there.

Grindah said he went to the hardest prison in England.

-Yeah. -That's why he got bullied.

I didn't get bullied. They had to move me to protect the others.

Yeah, they said he was on a wing with all the sort of snitches and paedos.

Why is he constantly saying that?

-[drum and bass] -Hold tight, the Hanworth crew locked in, yeah?

-Heston massive. Isleworth crew. Were you there? -Saint, saint.

Just a reminder of the change of schedule tomorrow.

We're gonna be down at court, so DJ Steves will be doing an 8-hour marathon set.

-Trust me! -Make sure you lock in for that one.

We'll be leaving you in the capable hands of Stevie!

Innit, Steves? Tomorrow, the set?

-Yeah? -Definitely. Good to go.

-He's knows what he's fucking doing. -Grindah.

-Got that. -What's that?

-It's my little plan. -Oh, planned and everything? Good man.

Yeah, I can plan things, like, when I need to.

Like, if I put my mind to something, I can normally...do it.

Once I went to Glastonbury. Didn't have a ticket.

Spent two days digging under the fence.

Managed to catch the last two hours. All for free.

Hold tight, the crew inside, yeah?

Big up anyone who ain't heard. I will going down court tomorrow.

Because dirty Babylon, yeah, are trying to take me down yet again.

-D'you know what I mean? -Bung down Babylon.

Feel free to come down and smash up the place.

Don't say "smash up the place", cos they'll trace it back to me, you freak!

Don't smash up the place, but just come down with, like, placards and banners,

and fucking megaphones and all that, d'you know what I mean, like? Yeah, should be good.

Good day's work.

-You all right, Craigie? -Yeah, I'm good.

Hey...nice room you've got here, mate. Cool posters.

Listen, um... Uncle Chabsie just wanted

to have a word with you, if that's all right?

You don't have to be worried about the baby, okay?

-Kevin loves you very, very much. -What?!

Don't be embarrassed, mate. Hold that baby tight to your bosom.

Okay? That little baby will cherish the nourishments from your bosoms

for a thousand lifetimes.

-Okay? -Yeah.

Just think about it, mate.

[sighs]

Hey, Craigie.

Cherish it.

Goodnight, mate.

What you doing, man? Leave the light on!

-A bit of that, yeah, yeah. -Oi, I can't believe, like,

it's actually happening. Do you think you will get sent down?

Ah, you never know with these things, you know? Only time will tell.

It does happen, man. Remember Fat Pete?

The other week, he went down for a little driving thing.

What do you mean "he went down for a driving thing"? You can't just go down for...

-Yeah, he was trying to dispute it or something. -That's bollocks.

Decoy, you can't get sent down just for a little thing?

-Yeah, definitely. Fully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Fully sent down?

My mate Darren was saying that if you've got previous,

-apparently you get a harsher sentence. -I've had previous!

Yeah.

I don't know what to do, man. I'm sorry.

-It's all right... -Look, if you do go down,

we'll look after radio. You've got nothing to worry about.

Me and Steves will... Anything you leave, like, anything.

Fuck off me. I'm not getting fucking sent down for dropping a cigarette on the floor.

That would be fucking mental. Wouldn't it?

-That bit's still out though. -Yeah, I know.

There's a little bit that's out.

-I just wanna make sure everything's... -Yeah, I know. It is. Look.

-Smart? Yeah? -Yeah.

Thanks.

Not too tight. I'm going to have the Avirex on over this.

Just don't make it any worse. Just plead guilty and pay the £80 original fine.

-That's all you need to do. -I'm not pleading guilty. Guilty means automatic prison.

Stop putting things in my head. I can't concentrate.

You're not gonna go prison. The less you argue, the less the fine will be.

-Just think about the wedding. -Fuck the wedding! This is my happiness we're talking about.

It's my life!

What do you reckon, boys? Is that all right?

-See you later. -Bye.

[drum and bass plays]

[Nan] You're locked into the sounds of DJ Steves.

Shout out my nan.

Thanks for the care package. It's given me everything I need

to get through the day.

Coming up over the next eight hours, we will be bringing you...

vocal garage, speed garage,

garage, dance-hype garage.

Grime.

Jungle. Dub Boy for Decoy. Shout Decoy!

Drum and bass.

And some various hardcore tunes, the only ones Grindah likes.

[coughs]

Right.

You've got to use what's around. You've got to be creative.

I could transform this.

I see things right now you'll never see in your life. Look at this.

-What do you think that is? -It's a watering can.

-Is it? -Yeah.

Yeah? You know what I see? It's a loud speaker.

Hello.

Very simple way of thinking you have.

How come you're not down the courthouse

with the rest of the Grindah appreciation society?

I like to stay away from courtrooms, just in general.

They ask too many questions. "What's your name?" You know.

So I like to keep my head down, stay off the radar.

Oh! Very nice. Very daring. [laughs]

-Are you finished upstairs? -Yeah. I'll crack on.

Got a bit more to do.

I dunno. What do you reckon? Done up or undone?

-Maybe just not wear it at all, man. -But it's a £200 jacket, man!

I'm trying to look as smart as possible.

Easy. Got you a Maccys with 20 nuggets for, like, your last meal.

It's not my last meal! Stop going on like I'm going to jail constantly.

Actually, let me have the chips. I'm feeling a bit light-headed.

Quick! Quick!

I can't eat, I can't eat. Take it.

-Good morning. -Name?

Erm, Tony.

-Er...Zagrofoff. -What?!

Zagrofoff. There's nothing wrong with it. It's Greek.

All good?

Could I...have a quick word, please, mate?

Erm...

Is there any way we could just call this all off?

I've got 80 quid on me now and we could just save everybody's time.

-I can't do that, I'm afraid. -Yeah...

I get where you're coming from, but no one has to know, yeah?

Just, literally, ignore the envelope.

Ah! Can you make your way to Court 4, please?

-Please, there's 80 quid in there. You can have that... -Court 4.

All right, all right, get off me!

Bang them doors, brother! Free Grindah!

-Stop saying... -Bang them doors!

I haven't even got doors yet! Stop saying that.

[director] How would you do in jail?

I'd be all right, cos last time Grindah went jail, right,

I actually learnt how to plug things.

What do you mean by "plug things"?

Plugging.

You put things in a condom

and you plug it.

-Oh, what? Up...? -Yeah, I've got an N-gauge up there.

-A whole N-gauge? -Yeah. And a charger.

Are you worried about Grindah's fine?

Yeah, I really don't want it to affect the wedding budget.

So I reckon if I could just sell a few things and I could make the £80,

we won't have to cut back on any essentials.

Like I'm really worrying about the cost of pony rental now.

Nothing like a good bit of carpentry.

Very holy. Like Jesus, isn't it?

Very good with wood. [laughs]

This will go on here.

Keep the baby nice and safe.

The other thing about this cot, yeah?

They can stick this bad boy out in the garden, yeah? Nice bit of weather.

Have a lovely barbecue, mate. Do you want a burger, mate?

[laughs] Get the Pimm-ps, mate! Let's have a nice glass of Pimm-ps.

Two in one. Barbecue grill.

Baby's cot.

Just hold that bit.

Baby's cot.

[drum and bass plays]

It's lovely when it doesn't overflow.

Right.

Locked into the sounds of DJ Steves.

Taking you through, we've got... a little bit of grime coming up for you.

Sorry. No, we've got jungle coming up for you.

Oh, my God, no fucking way!

No! No!

Fucking hell! It's gone in my eyes.

It's in my eyes. I've got piss in my eyes.

Fuck's sake! The list is fucked and I'm covered in piss.

Should've just gone fucking toilet. It's only there.

I can't sit around any more. I've got to be in there, man.

-I'm gonna wait outside, yeah? -Yeah?

-Sure? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If Grindah goes jail, yeah, and Kurupt FM dies,

it's not just me or the Kurupt FM boys that are let down.

But it's the listener and I think that's what hurts the most.

Just knowing that there's, like, tens of hun...

Ten to a hundred listeners all locked on,

like, just waiting for their favourite MC.

And he's not there any more.

[Grindah] My head was all clouded.

Please, can I just, please, pay the original fine? Look.

-I've got it here. -Mr Zografoss, please, sit down.

-Can you just take it? -Mr Zografoss!

-Stop saying my surname constantly. -Mr Zagrofoff!

"Mr Zagrofoff".

[Steves] Oh, fuck!

All right, fucking hell.

I don't know what... Ah... Where's the coke?

I don't know what I'm supposed to play next.

It's got to be... Fuck off!

No!

This'll do, this'll do!

[sighs] This will do.

Right, you know what?

Emergency situation calls...

for my little emergency helper.

Acid. We're gonna be all right. We're gonna be all right.

Yeah, your brain can get tired, but you only use

a small percentage of your brain.

And if you take acid, for example,

you can actually access different other bits of your brain,

bits that aren't as tired.

Steves!

It's like with a plane.

You have, like, another engine.

If one engine fails, then the other engines will come on, the spare engines.

If you turn them all on, fucking hell, you're flying, mate.

Aah, sorry.

Door open. Follow my voice, follow my voice.

-Through this, through this. -No comment, no comment.

All right, you're out. Everybody, stand back!

-I don't think you're gonna need that jacket, bruv. -What?

Where's all the press and shit? You...

-I dunno. I think the clocks went back a few weeks ago. -Oh, is it?

You boys are gonna have to film this, cos the news crews must have got it mixed up.

You lot can pick it up, send it over to 'em. Pop yourself down there.

Got the court in the background, yeah? Okay.

-Ready? -Go.

I would just like to say, on behalf of myself, my family and the BBC,

-that justice has been served in Brentford today. -Yes.

Hold tight the judge and big up everyone that's been there for me in these dark times.

I've escaped jail and I'm once again a free man.

-Feels good to be out. -Feels great.

-[both] Amen. -I'll be making no further comments on this occasion.

Give my client a bit of space, please.

-Have you still got those nuggets? -No, me and Decoy twosed them.

Ah. I'm free! I beat the case!

I beat it!

Daddy's back.

-So how much was it? -How much was it?!

Look at her. So selfish. I nearly went prison.

Obviously, I'm glad you didn't, but how much?

Well, surprise, surprise. You get your £80 back.

What? How? That's amazing.

Cos, basically, you've got to read this instead, apparently.

Where is it? There you go. Yeah, some sort of...

I did try asking for a tag instead, but, um...

Yeah, apparently, they don't do trades, so... Yeah, it's just on the next page.

-[sighs] -What? £700?!

-Why is it so much? -I don't know.

But you can't really put a price on freedom, can ya?

If you could, it'd be more than 700, mate. It'd be about ten grand, so...

-You're lucky. -[Miche sighs]

Well, anyway, it's done now, innit?

-[drum and bass plays] -It's in here. Where'd it go?

It's in the walls! I can hear it in the walls!

Uuuh!

Can you hear the scratching?

Maybe it's trying to communicate.

Tia!

Yeah, that's £2, please.

Hold on a minute. You're selling peanuts?

You know that's my thing. Copycat.

You just add a bit of spice to some normal nuts

-and charge double the price! -What?

[director] So how did you find Tia?

Tia was, uh, you know, she just wandered in.

And I just gave her a quick interview.

And that was it, you know. I saw that she had

the same street savvy entrepreneurship that I have.

Gourmet peanuts, £3. Eh? Eh?

-She wanted to get into the food game. -But you don't make food.

We don't make food yet, but we will,

because she has a lot of dreams. She's very ambitious, like I am.

Okay, we need to sort out the kitchen,

which means I need the metal bit for the grill.

The metal bit? What is that not in here?

-Yeah, it's missing. -What?!

No! No, I haven't seen it. It was here, wasn't it? Where's it gone?

Someone must have taken it.

Abdi, Abdi. Abdi must have.

I mean, this is weird even for him, right?

Who are they meant to be?

She's got tits.

He's got his tongue fallen off and two teeth in a gaping mouth.

What is it?

Has he cut my fucking curtains up?

Look at it! It's fucked!

Is that...? Is that a fucking grill?

[director] Do you think you'll get Chabuddy to do more work for you?

Yes, I'm gonna get Chabuddy to do more work.

The first thing he's gonna do is paint over this fucking monstrosity.

[fades music down]

This is an SOS.

We've reached the day of reckoning, people.

The Illuminati... are everywhere.

The symbol of the Illuminati is the all-seeing eye.

And if you look carefully, you can see eyes everywhere.

Ugh, fucking hell!

-What the fuck's that playing? -It stinks of piss, Steves.

-I should've known. Steve mate! -What's going on, man?

You've had one of your episodes again. Just... What're you doing?

Just calm down, mate. Get away from the decks.

Steves, just get away from... Ugh! Why are you wet?

You fucking stink as well! Get off me! Come on, mate.

-You been eight hours? -Very pungent smell in here.

-You're done, mate. It's over. -What day is it today?

-Are we finished? -We're done. You're done. You're over. All right, mate.

Yeah, well done, Steves, mate. You done really well.

-I did it! -You did it, mate, yeah.

Let's get you through... We need to just get you out of the room for a sec.

Shall I lock him in the bathroom?

Yeah, wash his face as well. Usually calms him down.

-Are you washing my face? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-Come on. -[Beats] Yeah, Steves does struggle with the longer sets.

-I think he gets overwhelmed. -Yeah, he does.

It's mainly the daytime ones, cos he ain't really used to it.

I think it just throws up his body clock a little bit.

-Oh, so it's happened before? -Yeah. Like, one time he fucking just burnt his bed down.

Cos he decided he never wanted to sleep again.

-That's why he sleeps on the floor now. -Yeah.

I just want to take this moment for your listening pleasure.

-That's my intro. -Fresh out the pen.

Mc Grindah.

Sounds of the...sounds of the... sounds of the MC Grindah!

Mic check one, two. Aka the white Mandela.

Aka you can never hold me down.

Aka I'm finally free from persecution.

Ah, feels great to hear the sound of my own voice again.

-Shall I run the...? -Run the rhythm!

Basically, yeah, us and the law has been an on-going battle from day dot.

It's almost like a game that you can't win or lose.

-It just sort of continues. -Oh, you can lose. You can go to jail.

Yeah, and if you pay a massive fine as well.

-I didn't pay the fine, so I still win. -Well done, mate.

This is Grindah's favourite jacket. This is his, like, signature style.

You could wear this, you know, from the '30s to the modern day.

Like, this is a timeless piece of fashion.

But we need to sell it.

I don't think Grindah's gonna be happy about it,

but I just think, deep down, this is actually

what he wants me to do, so that he can have the most beautiful,

like, perfect wedding day, the best day of his life.

And we don't have to tell him straight away.

It's good to have you back, mate.

-It's good to have me back too, mate. -Cheers, mate.

I can't believe I was like this close to being in a fucking cell, like.

Some tiny little room just surrounded by bare little weird brares and that.

[Grindah] We're free men, yeah?

We will not be ridiculously subjected to your stupid little man made-up laws, mate.

Exactly. Subject your law and stick it up your arse!

-Trust me! -Fuck the system!

Fuck the system! Fuck the police, yeah?

-Exactly. -Trust me.

-Actually, I might... -Yeah, you should probably get that.