Original subtitles

First of all, happy Earth Day, everyone.

First of all, happy Earth Day, everyone.

First of all, happy Earth Day, everyone. Make some noise for Earth. You know, I

Make some noise for Earth. You know, I

Make some noise for Earth. You know, I love her. I love Earth.

love her. I love Earth.

love her. I love Earth. Did you remember to get her a gift? I

Did you remember to get her a gift? I

Did you remember to get her a gift? I got her some sexy lingerie and uh was

got her some sexy lingerie and uh was

got her some sexy lingerie and uh was more of a gift for me.

more of a gift for me.

more of a gift for me. Let's get started because as of late,

Let's get started because as of late,

Let's get started because as of late, the Glaciers are not the only thing

the Glaciers are not the only thing

the Glaciers are not the only thing that's been melting down. Cash Patel,

that's been melting down. Cash Patel,

that's been melting down. Cash Patel, FBI director, and the man voted worst

FBI director, and the man voted worst

FBI director, and the man voted worst kisser by Brethalizer magazine, is

kisser by Brethalizer magazine, is

kisser by Brethalizer magazine, is having a bad week. He sued The Atlantic

having a bad week. He sued The Atlantic

having a bad week. He sued The Atlantic over a story alleging that he drinks too

over a story alleging that he drinks too

over a story alleging that he drinks too much, misses work, and that he's what's

much, misses work, and that he's what's

much, misses work, and that he's what's known inside the domestic intelligence

known inside the domestic intelligence

known inside the domestic intelligence community as a total cho. And yesterday,

community as a total cho. And yesterday,

community as a total cho. And yesterday, Cash went before the press to make it

Cash went before the press to make it

Cash went before the press to make it very clear that he will dodge any

very clear that he will dodge any

very clear that he will dodge any question that comes his way. Can you say

question that comes his way. Can you say

question that comes his way. Can you say definitively that you have not been

definitively that you have not been

definitively that you have not been intoxicated or absent during your tenure

intoxicated or absent during your tenure

intoxicated or absent during your tenure as FBI director?

as FBI director?

as FBI director? >> I can say unequivocally that I never

>> I can say unequivocally that I never

>> I can say unequivocally that I never listen to the fake news mafia.

listen to the fake news mafia.

listen to the fake news mafia. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. Yeah. Damn. That's a real master class

Yeah. Damn. That's a real master class

Yeah. Damn. That's a real master class on talking like a middle schooler

on talking like a middle schooler

on talking like a middle schooler who's terrible at talking Oh. Oh,

who's terrible at talking Oh. Oh,

who's terrible at talking Oh. Oh, you my mom? Well, I sucked your dad's

you my mom? Well, I sucked your dad's

you my mom? Well, I sucked your dad's dumbass.

Yeah. Clap for that. up for that.

Yeah. Clap for that. up for that.

Yeah. Clap for that. up for that. Also, the fake news mafia. I appreciate

Also, the fake news mafia. I appreciate

Also, the fake news mafia. I appreciate that you tried to make us sound cool,

that you tried to make us sound cool,

that you tried to make us sound cool, but if the news were the mafia, it would

but if the news were the mafia, it would

but if the news were the mafia, it would be a lot more vague. Tonight at 6, let

be a lot more vague. Tonight at 6, let

be a lot more vague. Tonight at 6, let me tell you why about the guy who's

me tell you why about the guy who's

me tell you why about the guy who's going down the place to do the thing.

going down the place to do the thing.

going down the place to do the thing. Okay, capish.

Come on, Cash Money. You got to give me

Come on, Cash Money. You got to give me

Come on, Cash Money. You got to give me a better DEFENSE THAN THAT. TRY AGAIN.

a better DEFENSE THAN THAT. TRY AGAIN.

a better DEFENSE THAN THAT. TRY AGAIN. This FBI director has been on the job

This FBI director has been on the job

This FBI director has been on the job twice as many days as every director

twice as many days as every director

twice as many days as every director before me. What that means is I've taken

before me. What that means is I've taken

before me. What that means is I've taken half as many days off as those before

half as many days off as those before

half as many days off as those before me. What that means is I've taken a

me. What that means is I've taken a

me. What that means is I've taken a third less vacation than those before

third less vacation than those before

third less vacation than those before me.

Let me just check the math real quick.

Let me just check the math real quick.

Let me just check the math real quick. So, we got twice as many days plus half

So, we got twice as many days plus half

So, we got twice as many days plus half as many over a third less. Yeah, I think

as many over a third less. Yeah, I think

as many over a third less. Yeah, I think he's wasted. Um,

but it's like

it just says boobs. I don't

it just says boobs. I don't

it just says boobs. I don't But it's like it's like my grandpa used

But it's like it's like my grandpa used

But it's like it's like my grandpa used to say, if you love your job and you're

to say, if you love your job and you're

to say, if you love your job and you're shitfaced at it, you'll never work a day

shitfaced at it, you'll never work a day

shitfaced at it, you'll never work a day in your life.

in your life.

in your life. Well, let's move on to the big update on

Well, let's move on to the big update on

Well, let's move on to the big update on the war with Iran. Specifically, the

the war with Iran. Specifically, the

the war with Iran. Specifically, the update is that I have no idea what the

update is that I have no idea what the

update is that I have no idea what the is going on with the war in Iran. Nobody

is going on with the war in Iran. Nobody

is going on with the war in Iran. Nobody has had any idea since day one. Trump

has had any idea since day one. Trump

has had any idea since day one. Trump just started this war on us like a dog

just started this war on us like a dog

just started this war on us like a dog bringing us a dead bird. We don't even

bringing us a dead bird. We don't even

bringing us a dead bird. We don't even want this. Now, we have to clean this

want this. Now, we have to clean this

want this. Now, we have to clean this up. And it doesn't help that everything

up. And it doesn't help that everything

up. And it doesn't help that everything he says about this war is immediately

he says about this war is immediately

he says about this war is immediately canceled out by the next thing he says

canceled out by the next thing he says

canceled out by the next thing he says about this war. It was only going to be

about this war. It was only going to be

about this war. It was only going to be four weeks, then 6 weeks, then 8 to 10

four weeks, then 6 weeks, then 8 to 10

four weeks, then 6 weeks, then 8 to 10 weeks. He wanted an unconditional

weeks. He wanted an unconditional

weeks. He wanted an unconditional surrender, then he wanted a nuclear

surrender, then he wanted a nuclear

surrender, then he wanted a nuclear deal. Then he wanted to open the

deal. Then he wanted to open the

deal. Then he wanted to open the straight. Please, Mr. President, can you

straight. Please, Mr. President, can you

straight. Please, Mr. President, can you stop bullshitting us and just find an

stop bullshitting us and just find an

stop bullshitting us and just find an end to this war?

end to this war?

end to this war? >> President Trump just told the New York

>> President Trump just told the New York

>> President Trump just told the New York Post that Vice President JD Vance and

Post that Vice President JD Vance and

Post that Vice President JD Vance and his delegation are in the air on the way

his delegation are in the air on the way

his delegation are in the air on the way to Pakistan for talks with the Iranians.

to Pakistan for talks with the Iranians.

to Pakistan for talks with the Iranians. >> Thank you. Yes, we must be nearing

>> Thank you. Yes, we must be nearing

>> Thank you. Yes, we must be nearing peace. I mean, Trump makes up a lot of

peace. I mean, Trump makes up a lot of

peace. I mean, Trump makes up a lot of but if he says the vice

but if he says the vice

but if he says the vice president is in the air, that definitely

president is in the air, that definitely

president is in the air, that definitely happened.

happened.

happened. >> But that didn't happen. Vice President

>> But that didn't happen. Vice President

>> But that didn't happen. Vice President JD Vance, who was preparing to fly to

JD Vance, who was preparing to fly to

JD Vance, who was preparing to fly to Islamabad, never left.

Islamabad, never left.

Islamabad, never left. >> Wait, what?

>> Wait, what?

>> Wait, what? >> So, he just made up a flight.

>> So, he just made up a flight.

>> So, he just made up a flight. Look, I know everyone who knows JD Vance

Look, I know everyone who knows JD Vance

Look, I know everyone who knows JD Vance is always wishing that he was on his way

is always wishing that he was on his way

is always wishing that he was on his way to another continent, but this is not

to another continent, but this is not

to another continent, but this is not the time to manifest it into being. The

the time to manifest it into being. The

the time to manifest it into being. The ceasefire expires today unless you're

ceasefire expires today unless you're

ceasefire expires today unless you're going to extend it.

going to extend it.

going to extend it. >> The president said it was highly

>> The president said it was highly

>> The president said it was highly unlikely he would extend the ceasefire.

unlikely he would extend the ceasefire.

unlikely he would extend the ceasefire. >> I expect to be bombing

>> I expect to be bombing

>> I expect to be bombing Okay,

Okay,

Okay, so JD Vance is not on a flight and Trump

so JD Vance is not on a flight and Trump

so JD Vance is not on a flight and Trump is not extending the ceasefire. Okay, I

is not extending the ceasefire. Okay, I

is not extending the ceasefire. Okay, I got it.

got it.

got it. >> Late this afternoon, President Trump

>> Late this afternoon, President Trump

>> Late this afternoon, President Trump announced he was extending the ceasefire

announced he was extending the ceasefire

announced he was extending the ceasefire indefinitely.

indefinitely.

indefinitely. >> Indefinitely. Oh god. So, uh, hold on.

>> Indefinitely. Oh god. So, uh, hold on.

>> Indefinitely. Oh god. So, uh, hold on. Uh,

Uh,

Uh, no ceasefire to ceasefire. JD Vance to

no ceasefire to ceasefire. JD Vance to

no ceasefire to ceasefire. JD Vance to no JD Vance. Oh, it doesn't just says

no JD Vance. Oh, it doesn't just says

no JD Vance. Oh, it doesn't just says boobs again. Jesus Christ.

You know what?

You know what?

You know what? Nice boobs. But you know what? At least

Nice boobs. But you know what? At least

Nice boobs. But you know what? At least a ceasefire is better than no ceasefire.

a ceasefire is better than no ceasefire.

a ceasefire is better than no ceasefire. It means that nobody's getting attacked

It means that nobody's getting attacked

It means that nobody's getting attacked or shot at. So few. Actually, this is a

or shot at. So few. Actually, this is a

or shot at. So few. Actually, this is a good thing. Hours after President

good thing. Hours after President

good thing. Hours after President Trump's ceasefire extension, Iran

Trump's ceasefire extension, Iran

Trump's ceasefire extension, Iran attacking vessels in the Strait of

attacking vessels in the Strait of

attacking vessels in the Strait of Hummus, more ships fired upon and seized

Hummus, more ships fired upon and seized

Hummus, more ships fired upon and seized by Iranian forces.

by Iranian forces.

by Iranian forces. Iran unmistakably sending a message to

Iran unmistakably sending a message to

Iran unmistakably sending a message to President Trump. Jesus,

President Trump. Jesus,

President Trump. Jesus, that's the shortest indefinite ceasefire

that's the shortest indefinite ceasefire

that's the shortest indefinite ceasefire I've ever seen.

I've ever seen.

I've ever seen. President Trump, Iran's Navy is shooting

President Trump, Iran's Navy is shooting

President Trump, Iran's Navy is shooting at ships.

at ships.

at ships. >> Iran's Navy is gone. Shut the up.

>> Iran's Navy is gone. Shut the up.

>> Iran's Navy is gone. Shut the up. JUST SHUT UP. GOD, JUST SHUT UP. JESUS.

JUST SHUT UP. GOD, JUST SHUT UP. JESUS.

JUST SHUT UP. GOD, JUST SHUT UP. JESUS. Nothing you say means anything.

Nothing you say means anything.

Nothing you say means anything. >> In fact, you know what? Hold on. I know

>> In fact, you know what? Hold on. I know

>> In fact, you know what? Hold on. I know how to deal with this. Never in the

how to deal with this. Never in the

how to deal with this. Never in the history of warfare has an enemy suffer.

That

That

That that is so much better.

that is so much better.

that is so much better. Everyone just just enjoy this for a

Everyone just just enjoy this for a

Everyone just just enjoy this for a second. This blissful bullshitfree

second. This blissful bullshitfree

second. This blissful bullshitfree silence.

silence.

silence. Oh my god. I wish we could just tune him

Oh my god. I wish we could just tune him

Oh my god. I wish we could just tune him out in real life, but we can't because

out in real life, but we can't because

out in real life, but we can't because even though nothing he says matters,

even though nothing he says matters,

even though nothing he says matters, unfortunately, his actions do matter.

unfortunately, his actions do matter.

unfortunately, his actions do matter. So, we have to pay attention. And right

So, we have to pay attention. And right

So, we have to pay attention. And right now, his actions what they're

now, his actions what they're

now, his actions what they're everything up.

everything up.

everything up. >> AAA reports the price of a gallon of

>> AAA reports the price of a gallon of

>> AAA reports the price of a gallon of regular spiked 40% since the day before

regular spiked 40% since the day before

regular spiked 40% since the day before the war began.

the war began.

the war began. >> Last week, the International Energy

>> Last week, the International Energy

>> Last week, the International Energy Agency warned that Europe has only about

Agency warned that Europe has only about

Agency warned that Europe has only about 6 weeks of jet fuel supply left. That

6 weeks of jet fuel supply left. That

6 weeks of jet fuel supply left. That supply shock tied to the straight of

supply shock tied to the straight of

supply shock tied to the straight of Hormuz is hitting fertilizer markets as

Hormuz is hitting fertilizer markets as

Hormuz is hitting fertilizer markets as well. Fertilizer's going up. Do you

well. Fertilizer's going up. Do you

well. Fertilizer's going up. Do you understand how bad it is when the price

understand how bad it is when the price

understand how bad it is when the price of is rising?

I wish I knew about this this morning

I wish I knew about this this morning

I wish I knew about this this morning when I flushed a whole retirement

when I flushed a whole retirement

when I flushed a whole retirement account down the toilet.

Now, maybe you don't fly or drive or

Now, maybe you don't fly or drive or

Now, maybe you don't fly or drive or eat, but sooner or later, the effects of

eat, but sooner or later, the effects of

eat, but sooner or later, the effects of this war are going to get you, possibly

this war are going to get you, possibly

this war are going to get you, possibly in ways you never saw coming.

in ways you never saw coming.

in ways you never saw coming. >> The war with Iran is having a huge

>> The war with Iran is having a huge

>> The war with Iran is having a huge impact on the global condom supply.

impact on the global condom supply.

impact on the global condom supply. Condoms are made from prochemicals and

Condoms are made from prochemicals and

Condoms are made from prochemicals and the supply chain bottleneck in the

the supply chain bottleneck in the

the supply chain bottleneck in the street of Hormuz is forcing the world's

street of Hormuz is forcing the world's

street of Hormuz is forcing the world's top condom producer to raise prices by

top condom producer to raise prices by

top condom producer to raise prices by 20 to 30%.

20 to 30%.

20 to 30%. >> Well, well, well.

>> Well, well, well.

>> Well, well, well. Looks like that Trojan I've had in my

Looks like that Trojan I've had in my

Looks like that Trojan I've had in my wallet since 2002 is finally going to

wallet since 2002 is finally going to

wallet since 2002 is finally going to get some action

get some action

get some action when I sell it on eBay.

when I sell it on eBay.

when I sell it on eBay. But a 30% spike in condom. This is a big

But a 30% spike in condom. This is a big

But a 30% spike in condom. This is a big deal. I mean Jerome Powell of the

deal. I mean Jerome Powell of the

deal. I mean Jerome Powell of the Federal Reserve Bank is already

Federal Reserve Bank is already

Federal Reserve Bank is already suggesting that people quote do more

suggesting that people quote do more

suggesting that people quote do more hand stuff.

And remember every day that the state of

And remember every day that the state of

And remember every day that the state of Hormuz remains closed the global energy

Hormuz remains closed the global energy

Hormuz remains closed the global energy crisis only gets worse. Which is why

crisis only gets worse. Which is why

crisis only gets worse. Which is why today, Earth Day, I just want to give a

today, Earth Day, I just want to give a

today, Earth Day, I just want to give a big shout out to President Trump. Truly,

big shout out to President Trump. Truly,

big shout out to President Trump. Truly, because thanks to your war, the benefits

because thanks to your war, the benefits

because thanks to your war, the benefits of switching to renewable energy have

of switching to renewable energy have

of switching to renewable energy have never been clearer. Now, we can all see

never been clearer. Now, we can all see

never been clearer. Now, we can all see the risks of anchoring the entire global

the risks of anchoring the entire global

the risks of anchoring the entire global economy to one narrow waterway in the

economy to one narrow waterway in the

economy to one narrow waterway in the Middle East that stays open or closed

Middle East that stays open or closed

Middle East that stays open or closed based on the impulses of a deranged

based on the impulses of a deranged

based on the impulses of a deranged ruler. No, not that one. There you go.

ruler. No, not that one. There you go.

ruler. No, not that one. There you go. Yeah.

You want to know what the world would be

You want to know what the world would be

You want to know what the world would be like right now if we weren't held

like right now if we weren't held

like right now if we weren't held hostage by fossil fuels? Here's a little

hostage by fossil fuels? Here's a little

hostage by fossil fuels? Here's a little taste. Hey, did you hear the street of

taste. Hey, did you hear the street of

taste. Hey, did you hear the street of Hermuz is closed? The street of Hermuz?

Hermuz is closed? The street of Hermuz?

Hermuz is closed? The street of Hermuz? Isn't that the waterway that has no

Isn't that the waterway that has no

Isn't that the waterway that has no effect on my life? Yep, that's the one.

effect on my life? Yep, that's the one.

effect on my life? Yep, that's the one. See you later.

See you later.

See you later. So, President Trump, thank you. Your

So, President Trump, thank you. Your

So, President Trump, thank you. Your thoughtless war is already spurring

thoughtless war is already spurring

thoughtless war is already spurring countries around the world to invest

countries around the world to invest

countries around the world to invest more in wind, solar, and all the other

more in wind, solar, and all the other

more in wind, solar, and all the other forms of energy that you would probably

forms of energy that you would probably

forms of energy that you would probably refer to as gay. Now,

refer to as gay. Now,

refer to as gay. Now, I don't think that was your plan when

I don't think that was your plan when

I don't think that was your plan when you started this war because I'm pretty

you started this war because I'm pretty

you started this war because I'm pretty sure you didn't have a plan at all. But

sure you didn't have a plan at all. But

sure you didn't have a plan at all. But still, you have by pure chance helped

still, you have by pure chance helped

still, you have by pure chance helped the Earth at this point. You're

the Earth at this point. You're

the Earth at this point. You're basically Captain Planet.

basically Captain Planet.

basically Captain Planet. Except if there are any records of you

Except if there are any records of you

Except if there are any records of you spending time with younger women,

spending time with younger women,

spending time with younger women, they've probably been redacted by the

they've probably been redacted by the

they've probably been redacted by the DOJ. And and look, we know by now that

DOJ. And and look, we know by now that

DOJ. And and look, we know by now that praise means nothing to you unless it's

praise means nothing to you unless it's

praise means nothing to you unless it's accompanied by a trophy. So allow me to

accompanied by a trophy. So allow me to

accompanied by a trophy. So allow me to present to you Donald Trump with the

present to you Donald Trump with the

present to you Donald Trump with the first ever

first ever

first ever Earth Day award for being a reckless

Earth Day award for being a reckless

Earth Day award for being a reckless idiot who accidentally did something

idiot who accidentally did something

idiot who accidentally did something good.

Congratulations, sir.