Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Oh, no!

Hello?

Eh...

SHE SLURPS

HE STRAINS Ahh!

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

Pbbt. Blah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome!

Welcome to Taskmaster, a group of comics battling it out

to see who is the least-worst at doing a thing.

No-one will learn anything from the next hour,

so crack open a can and give in to the pointlessness.

Here are the names of our giggling gladiators,

Ania Magliano... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Maisie Adam... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Phil Ellis... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Reece Shearsmith... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Sanjeev Bhaskar! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who told me he never struggles

to get back to sleep after the alarm goes off.

He simply has to listen to one of his wife's descriptions

of a dream she had.

As he put it himself, "They're so boring,

"I soon be snoring." LAUGHTER

HIGH-PITCHED: It's...

..little Alex Horne.

Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.

Hey, Greg, I've got you a present.

Yeah. Think you'll like it.

It's a working mind-reading machine.

HE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS

You want to give it a go? Yes.

MACHINE: "I mean, honestly, that's one of the coolest things

I think I've ever seen." Oh!

LAUGHTER

That's quite good. It works!

Is there more?

"You are...my best friend."

Ooh!

Oh, that was a bad edit, wasn't it?

"You are t..." SHOUTING: "..my best friend!"

Oh! You really mean it. LAUGHTER

This is the best section... this is the best chat section ever.

Let us begin! Yes, and I strongly suggest

we start with the prize task.

And the category this time is

the thing Greg would most like to see Alex wearing.

Oh-ho-ho, God.

So, at the end of the show, not only will the winner take home

five things Greg would like to see me wearing,

but I might appear on the stage

and don the outfit that wins this bit of the task.

AUDIENCE OOHS Ooh!

Before I see any of them, I want to say that

the things that make him look, er, the most stupid,

inconvenience him, or cause him pain

are the things that I'm likely to give high points to.

LAUGHTER OK, Ania. It's not constrictive,

but I've brought in a versatile hat.

Yeah. Can I see the hat? Yeah.

Here's Ania's hat.

LAUGHTER

That is wonderful. That, I imagine, is incredibly heavy.

It's heavy. It hurts.

It hurts to wear. It will ruin his life.

And I'll barely be able to see him and his horrible, gappy mouth.

LAUGHTER

Obviously it's got the sparkliness for, like, all your awards dos,

and then, it's black, so you can wear it to a funeral.

When my heart inevitably gives in...

Yeah. ..I'd like you to wear that to my funeral.

It's a deal.

LAUGHTER

That's a strong opener. OK. Thank you. Sanjeev.

What was it you said, constrictive, er...?

Er, causes him embarrassment or pain. Yeah.

OK, so if you imagine him wearing this in India...

THEY LAUGH

..all of those things are covered.

Sanjeev's brought this in.

It's the sari!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, our next night out - that, you, Southall.

Yeah, I-I would walk ten paces ahead.

Not for cultural reasons.

LAUGHTER Er, just for personal safety.

This is wonderful. Yeah.

You'll look silly in a sari.

And you'll be in danger.

I mean, I'm excited we're having another night out.

LAUGHTER Phil.

It's a suit I've made,

and it's covered in various things

that will attract predators.

Yes, it is. This is what it looks like, Greg.

Oh, here we go.

There we are. LAUGHTER

Oh! It's beyond my wildest dreams.

There y'are, you've got steaks there for any, you know, carnivores.

Erm, some sausages - maybe get a cartoon fun dog chasing him.

Yeah. And, er, and honey.

Wouldn't we all like to see Winnie-the-Pooh attached

to his back, clawing away at him? Yeah. Wouldn't we?

With his little T-shirt on? Nothing below the waist? Lovely.

Your ass blowing in the wind.

Why Winnie, and not one of the bad bears?

Winnie, behind closed doors, is a real piece of shit.

LAUGHTER

I absolutely love it.

Thank you. Maisie.

Have you got something that will humiliate my friend?

The late Lady Diana's revenge dress.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You mean...you mean this one? That's the one!

It's off the shoulder, form-fitting with an asymmetrical hem line

and chiffon train.

Cleavage-bearing - a departure from typical royal attire, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was apparently a statement of defiance,

and a powerful symbol of reclaiming her narrative.

There you go! It was soon after finding out about the divorce,

I think, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

And I've often heard you say backstage,

"There's three people in this marriage."

LAUGHTER God, these are all strong!

Reece. Reece? You have mentioned sometimes, haven't you, Greg,

that you used to be a teacher?

Yes. You occasionally mention it.

I-I may have got a bit of... bit of material out of it. Yes, yes.

I presume, when you were teaching, if someone was hard-of-thinking,

they would be given the dunce's cap.

So, I thought, what's the next best thing?

It's basically a hat with a propeller on it.

LAUGHTER

This is the hat. Let's have a look.

I think that... I think that should win.

That is, oh...

What a nightmare.

Can I say, the reason I'll find it hard to score that highly

is because he - and I mean this -

would genuinely wear that out of choice?

LAUGHTER I've miscalculated, then.

Yeah, it would appear so.

I like all of them.

I'm going to do something that'll annoy you.

OK? TERSELY: Mm-hm.

I'm not going to give anyone 1 point.

I'm going to give Reece Shearsmith 2 points for that hat. Yes.

Just cos I'm in a good mood.

I'm going to give hat number two, that Ania brought in, 3 points.

Right. Because I liked it, but I think part of Alex

would like that, too.

4 points for the sari. OK, well done, Sanjeev, 4 points.

Yeah, and then, we're up into the big guns.

It's so difficult for me between meat and Diana.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to give 5 points to the late Lady Diana dress

and the meat outfit. Yay! That's how I'm going to play it.

OK, 5 to Maisie, 5 to Phil!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have to ask, what should I wear at the end of the show?

I'll tell you what - you put the dress on,

I'll throw meat at you from down here.

LAUGHTER Yeah.

Looks like we've got ourselves a show!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Let's have a... let's have a task proper.

Let's see the extraordinary power of one little snip.

I thought you were going to be sat there. Hello.

May I? Please do.

An envelope, a cushion,

string, and a gorgeous set of scissors!

Would you like me to open the task? Yeah, OK. Yeah.

Can I use the scissors? Yeah.

"Cut a single string...

"..to cause the greatest effect.

"You have 20 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Greatest effect is pretty broad.

It's too bloody broad. Oh, right.

That's subjective, innit?

Yeah, some of these tasks are. Yeah.

REECE: Maybe I shouldn't tell you what I'll do, and just do it.

Might need that and that.

It's all good stuff, innit.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Yet again, Phil - positive, making fun out of just having

a pair of scissors in front of him.

Thank you, I-I try to look at the bright side of life,

and just enjoy every second. Good. That's wonderful.

He said that like there's someone with a gun at his head.

LAUGHTER

Alex. Greg.

Shall we see some? Why not?

Let's begin with Phil - short for Philip -

and Ania - short for genetic reasons.

Here we go.

LAUGHTER

I could use one more item, if possible.

Have you got a watch on? Yes, always. Brilliant.

Strange response. Er, do you mind if I take it?

It depends. Well, I'll look after it.

I'm not an animal. It's a good watch, this.

All right. Right, I don't know how long you've got left.

Well, none of us do, do we?

But isn't that life's big question?

Part of the fun of it, really. LAUGHTER

I'll take the whole bloody thing, then, right. See ya.

OK. OK.

Really simple - we're going to winch the glasses over the house,

and then, I'll smash the glasses...

Clock's ticking, Ania! OK.

OK.

Would you like to take a seat, please? Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming. And thanks, guys.

Right. Right.

So, that's the single piece of string. This is the anvil.

Mm-hm. So, just going to...

OK.

You might remember earlier, I took your watch from you.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Well, I'm going to give it back,

because I'm a good person.

But, first of all...

..we've got the trap, we've got the watch.

Well, I do like my watch. It's a beautiful watch.

But points are points. LAUGHTER

So, here we go. I imagine you've got about a minute left.

A minute left.

Ah! Oh!

Ah.

Ooh! That's good, but it's not what I wanted.

OK. Ah!

That's on.

Was that the little bit you were aiming for? Yeah.

Amazing. LAUGHTER

Watch your head. OK, we're going to do it.

We're going for it, are we? OK.

Five, four...

..three...two, one.

Oh.

I thought it would be bigger than that.

LAUGHTER

I thought it was going to cover the whole house.

Yes! AUDIENCE OOHS

PHIL GIGGLES Oh, it has smashed it.

Happy with that. Does it still work, Phil?

It does still work but, much like me, it's damaged.

Can I have it back? You can have it back, 'course you can.

There you go. Thank you.

No, thank you very much for that.

I appreciate you trusting me enough for that.

Well, another day, another dollar! LAUGHTER

Let's get back to the grind.

APPLAUSE

Well, Ania, I mean I was with you the whole way. Yeah.

I was thinking, "She's got it sussed."

I found it was pretty spectacular when you managed to lasso

the weather vane. Yeah. It was all going well, and then...

HE LAUGHS

Well, I wrote down what I think let the whole thing down,

was, "I thought it would cover the whole house."

LAUGHTER

Did you think it was like nuclear paint powder?

Sometimes I don't even need to score this,

because you scored it yourself.

Er, after the video you went, "Oh."

LAUGHTER

Yeah, sometimes you have to know when it's over. Yeah.

But I've got a lot of my life left to live.

PITIFUL LAUGHTER

Well, I still enjoyed it. Thank you.

I enjoyed watching you fail.

Phil. Hello. This was...bold.

Thank you! Because he loves that watch.

I do love the watch. I-Is it broken?

Er, no, it's not broken. It made it sort of dirty.

Oh, it's horrific. What an impact!

But you should see the house.

PHIL CHORTLES LAUGHTER

It is yellow! I can't!

I can't, it's just a cloud! LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Let's see some others.

OK, well, the next one's not, for the squeamish

because it's Reece Shearsm-ish.

Oh.

THUNDER CLAPS

VINCENT PRICE-ESQUE: And so, Contessa...

..for three days, you have denied answering our questions.

Mm. You still will not

loosen your tongue?!

Mm! For the greatest effect...

..one small snip is all it will take.

Let us see if we cannot change... your mind.

ALEX STRAINS LOUDLY

You still want to confess?! Mm!

Ever lower the pit and the pendulum swings

upon the gut of the miscreant.

Mm!

Do you have anything to say, my lady?

MUFFLED: Ow!

Other than "ow"? Not really.

You must not steal again...

from the supermarket!

MUFFLED: It wasn't me!

It was you!

DEATH RATTLE

Ah, she has expired.

Never again will you steal from Asda.

MUFFLED: I'm still alive.

Lower it, finish her off.

ALEX GRUNTS

SQUELCHING ALEX WINCES

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My work here is done.

Never again will you steal

cream eggs from Asda.

Bring in the next one.

He is said to have parked...

..on a single yellow.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Wonderful filmic ambition.

I'd like, for the first time this series, to drill down

into the narrative somewhat.

Mm-hm. Who are these characters? REECE LAUGHS

Well, it's based clearly on Edgar Allan Poe's

Pit and the Pendulum. Of course!

Yeah, in which a man is tortured...

..sort of in the inquisition style.

And I changed it slightly that he'd been stealing cream eggs from Asda.

From Asda, yes.

Where was your character from? He was Sp...Spanish?

Er, no. LAUGHTER

He's from Hull.

Great effect, indeed. Hmm, OK.

I'd like to announce the end of part one.

And it's time, ladies and gentlemen,

strap yourselves in.

Alex is going to end this part

with his Robert de Niro impression.

IN NORMAL VOICE: You t... You talking to me?

A-Are you talking to me?! It's like he's in the room!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! It's the start of part two.

We've been seeing the dramatic consequences that can occur

after cutting one single piece of string.

Yes, especially if you parked on "a single yella!"

LAUGHTER

Time now to see what... I didn't know you were from Hull.

Sh! Time now to see what Maisie and Sanjeev decided

was a good idea. Here we go.

Uh-huh. Right. OK. You sure?

No, but here goes.

TENSE MUSIC INTENSIFIES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh.

OK. Thank you, Sanjeev. Hmm.

Quite a shame.

Is it?

Greatest effect, you want most of the string.

For greatest effect, you want most of the string.

If I cut it at the very end, I've got more string,

so I can do more with it.

If I hook it round that...

Yeah! So, you are going to cut the string at some point, are you?

Alex, leave the room. Oh. LAUGHTER

Right, duck.

Upon invitation, Alex is going to walk in,

pull off that hook, and it's going to tug this horse,

which will bring the chicken down.

He'll think, "Right that's the chicken out the way."

Surprise! Another chicken.

That chicken - still not over.

Third poulet of the day is going to land ready to eat,

and I'll be waiting, saying, "Cheers! There's your seat."

Alex, please enter the restaurant.

The restaurant? The...room.

OK, here I come. Yeah.

Hooraaay!

Bon appetit!

SLOWED DOWN: Hooraaay!

Bon appetit!

That's an absolute cock-fest, look at that.

Three chickens fell over. Yeah.

And you just cut one bit of string.

That's really good, innit? Absolute cock-fest.

AUDIENCE GASPS

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GASPS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Got one word for you - existentialism.

LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've gotta be honest, I was going to score you highly

when you just let the table miss the egg.

Cos I thought, "That's so clever,"

because we're all expecting the egg to be smashed

and you deliberately made it miss the egg, obviously. Mm-hm.

And then... And then?

..what a second chapter.

LAUGHTER

Did you deliberately have the balls miss the second egg,

or was that just fluke?

That - no, it was deliberate, because the whole thing is,

you expect the eggs to break.

Yeah. And that's why I said it's existential,

because everybody, as people are the kind of most vulnerable thing,

like an egg, and situation and time, and the world and everything

is everything else - but we can survive it.

ALEX WHEEZES

You, my friend, are on the wrong show.

LAUGHTER

So, Maisie, I did think it was fairly chaotic.

You helped one of the chickens off the thing,

but it was still a pretty great effect.

Er, thank you.

And you had the best celebration, as well. "Wahey!"

OK, I can score. What is the least effect?

Well, it's Ania, I'm sorry. Mm! LAUGHTER

1 point to Ania.

OK, I think I'll have to give you 2 on this occasion Maisie,

and I'll give the anvil 3. OK, Phil gets 3.

And now, I don't know...

There was profundity and action,

so I think probably, Sanjeev just pips it.

So, 4 points to Reece, 5 points to Sanjeev.

There we go, 5 points to Sanjeev. APPLAUSE

Could I see the series scores? Yes, it's tight, it really is.

Sanjeev is at the bottom with 76,

and then, it goes Maisie 80, Phil 81, Ania 82.

Reece suddenly in the lead, with 83!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right! Let's have another.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

LAUGHTER

REECE: What is it this time?

Well, we're in a corridor. I know.

What if I don't like heights?

OK.

"Write an autobiographical ten-word story.

"You have two minutes.

"Your time starts now."

On the notepad, please.

Ten-word story. I don't think I need that many.

I have to write it?

MAISIE: An autobiographical ten-word story?

That's what he wants.

He? Greg. Davies.

LAUGHTER

He's the Taskmaster. Yes! Thank you.

ANIA: Ooh, what else have I done in my life?

Great, done. Happy with your story?

It's true.

Do you mind just showing me...

WHISTLE BLOWS ..your story?

HE LAUGHS

That's for you, and I'll take this away, thank you. Oh.

Oh. OK.

There we go, that's for you.

Oh, I knew you were up to something troublesome.

"Communicate your story to the Taskmaster.

MAISIE: "You may not leave the bridge.

"The most accurately-communicated story wins.

"You have ten minutes to prepare your performance.

"Then 30 seconds to communicate your story.

"Your times tarts now."

You've got time to prepare or practice, or...

No, let's just go for it. You just want to go for it immediately?

Yeah, let's go for it. Right, OK. LAUGHTER

Well, that's bloody useless.

What is this?

Ania, are you ready? Yeah. BOTTLE SPRAYS

Ready, Maisie? Ready.

Am I able to write on this window?

HE LAUGHS DEMENTEDLY

Taskmaster will be watching.

Well, where's the Taskmaster?

Oh, shit!

THUNDER CLAPS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Reece...grumpy that morning?

MAISIE SNICKERS

No, I thought that's me on a good day.

Sanjeev didn't take any rehearsal time,

just launched straight into it.

But we've learnt today, we shouldn't write Sanjeev off.

Often a lot going on up there.

LAUGHTER

Can we see their ten-word stories? I'm ever so excited!

Yeah, So we're going to see them one at a time, Greg.

You've gotta watch it and try to scribble down what you think

the story is, Greg.

First up - is he Mr Cool and Confident?

Or is it Mr Let's Hurry Up So I Can Bog Off Home Early?

Either way, it's definitely Mr Sanjeev Bhaskar.

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is what I've gone with. "A child is born.

"He grows up to be Sanjeev."

LAUGHTER

That might be slightly better than what I wrote.

Well, the gist is pretty good.

The story was, "I was born Sanjeev,

"which I remain to this day."

LAUGHTER ANIA: Wow.

It's not bad, not bad. Not bad.

APPLAUSE

We have to take the gist is correct into it, when scoring. OK.

You want to see another one? Yes, I do, whose can I see?

I want you to see Maisie's ten-word story.

OK. Here we go.

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You looked like you don't know what it was.

I don't know what that was. LAUGHTER

I've got it. Oh?

You're ahead of me.

I've written, "Bored woman sarcastically indicates

"she did not enjoy man's company."

LAUGHTER

I mean, that is my autobiography, actually.

It's not a million miles off.

Maisie, you wrote, "He keeps explaining the plot

"of the show I'm in."

LAUGHTER

What? Because you asked me to read the rules out a couple of times,

you got infuriated, you wrote that down.

LAUGHTER I'm a fucking idiot!

You've had highs, but... this is a low. OK.

Who's next? OK, I'm going to show you one more before the break.

Here is Phil's autobiographical ten-word story. Have a look.

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A tale as old as time.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what's thrown it,

and what I think's going to damage it is

I couldn't decide what this was.

And in the end, I decided it was a circus tent.

Do you think you've got it? This is what I've written.

Ready? OK, yeah.

"Child born to circus.

"Runs away.

"But returns when skint.

LAUGHTER

No, I-I think that's pretty... Yeah.

He actually wrote, "Preston-born, Preston-raised,

"left Preston, failed.

"Returned to Preston."

LAUGHTER

That's pretty good!

APPLAUSE The journey's there! Yeah.

Remember why?

Pr-Priest town. Priest town.

Er, is this a church, then? That's a church. Come on! Oh!

Got a couple of words right, and you got the gist right,

but circus was wrong.

OK, it's break time once more.

So, stand up, have a stretch,

have a scratch, have a retch,

have a burp, have a yawn,

pick up your phone, look at some porn,

close the curtains, make a den,

and before you know, we'll be back again!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello!

Welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.

Before the break, the cast had written ten-word

autobiographical stories, and were trying to communicate them

in silence for me to interpret.

What would your ten-word story be, Alex?

Hmm, good question. I suppose it'd be s...

NO-ONE CARES!

LAUGHTER AUDIENCE AWWS

OK, well, here's Reece's s...story now.

Ten-word, autobiographical, have a look at this.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, that's what you've got to work on, Greg.

OK, well, all I've got is, "When I was a little."

I don't know what to do. No. LAUGHTER

Well, it's an autobiographical story,

what do you think happened to Reece when he was little, I suppose?

"When I was a little boy,

"I was...

"..sometimes...grumpy."

LAUGHTER

Well, you've got the gist of it. Oh.

"When I was little, I choked on Monster Munch crisps."

LAUGHTER

Which would make you cross. Really angry.

On the back of my brother's bike.

Oh. I started to choke on pickled onion Monster Munch crisps.

The greatest of all the flavours.

The thing that saved me was those holes in the crisps,

and I think it went... and I had a gap.

He's only here because he breathed through a Monster Munch foot.

Well, there's only one left to see. Here we go.

Fania-lly - finally - it's Ania.

Fania... No? OK. Ania!

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's a lot there1

It was like a Kate Bush music video.

Have you auditioned for Rada? Cos that...

ANIA: Do you think that was good? Yeah.

And he was in Paddington 2.

LAUGHTER

That's true, isn't it? Th-That is true.

I didn't finish the previous sentence to which you... Oh, sorry.

..you took as a compliment.

LAUGHTER

Wait, what were you going to say?

But well done.

So, this is what I've gone with. Mm-hm.

"Baby born to dancing cat

"who writes, jumps, and then dies."

"Ania born, Cats the musical, school, university,

"trampolining, Ania die."

AUDIENCE OOHS Ooh.

Oh! It was the full life.

I told the story in a different way,

I did it through bullet points, which I think,

I didn't realise that you could do it as one sentence.

I thought it was like, do the main events of your life -

birth, Cats the musical, I went trampolining...

C...Cats the musical was a big thing in your life, right? Yeah.

Were you in it, or...? I watched it.

LAUGHTER

What did you write again, Greg?

Er, "Baby born..." "Ania born." That's good.

..to "dancing cat..." Cats the musical.

.."who writes..."

School, university.

.."jumps..." Trampolining.

.."and dies." Ania die.

Wow. That's really good. APPLAUSE

So, it seems to me Maisie unfortunately should come in

last place, and receive 1 point... DEFLATEDLY: Yeah.

OK, cos she didn't really understand it.

..followed by half-a-story Reece, with 2 points. OK.

Phil didn't go to the circus, but he did the rest of the stuff.

Yeah. 3 points.

Ania, surprisingly accurate,

despite unusual priorities in life...

LAUGHTER ..4 points.

But Sanjeev proving once again, sometimes simplicity is best.

Five points to Sanjeev Bhaskar! 5 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another task, please, my basic boy!

Yes, I am here to adhere!

And now, what the flippers?

We're off to the lab.

Hello. You OK?

I am, yeah. You? Nice flower.

This a new look you're trying?

Maybe, I just thought I'd mix things up. OK.

Hello. You know there're protests outside this lab. Again?

Yeah. They're trying to stop you whatever you're doing here.

Should I step into the ring?

That's up to you. Well...

..is it?

Eugh. Creepy.

No strings attached to this, is there?

"Wear the flippers correctly.

"The slowest wins.

"Your time started when you entered the room.

I have read that correctly.

"Slowest wins."

Slowest?

What a strange task.

APPLAUSE

This is a particularly confusing task. It was SLOWEST wins.

Slowest wins. No explanation. It was very odd.

Hmm. What a tricky use of words.

So irritating, isn't he?

Let's begin with two very famous faces from the stage and screen,

perhaps best known for playing Martin in London's Burning,

and Ravi, the Indian Cobra,

from Zoo Rush 2: Destination New York,

it's Reece and Sanjeev.

LAUGHTER

Slowest wins.

So, I've got to sort of make a meal of it.

Oh, look, there's loads of little chopsticks.

What I'm going to do is try to not come out of this...circle.

I'm going to try and get the flippers with chopsticks.

Yes.

Am I missing something?

The thing is, Alex, there is no right or wrong.

Is that right?

LAUGHTER

WHINILY: Don't...confuse me.

Slowest wins.

You look like a cowboy. Do I?

Oh! Something's happening. Ooh!

I mean, I'm going to go and have lunch now.

How long are you going to spend having lunch?

You never want to rush lunch, so an hour for lunch,

and then, I might have a nap,

and then, I-I'll go home.

Meet you back here tomorrow. Meet you back here tomorrow.

I can't deviate from the path.

Can you not?

LAUGHTER

Ooh. I don't get it.

Because it's easy to do something slowly.

Stop the clock, is it? OK.

OK. I'm going.

Ah. I was heading off...

Yes. ..but then, I thought, you know, overnight and stuff,

that's just a step too far.

HE STRAINS

Right, the flippers are on. The flippers are on.

And I-I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

When they found out it's the longest task,

Sanjeev just went for lunch for six hours and 19 minutes?

We did, yeah, we did other tasks, as well.

I think, in many ways, your attempt was more in the spirit

of the show, in that you decided to give yourself extra tasks.

The chopstick ladder...

Well, it was to buy time, it seemed to be the right thing to do.

Of course. Why sit there doing nothing?

Why go for a nice lunch when you can make a chopstick ladder?

And not deviate from the path.

He's making his own rules.

OK! That's the end of the third part of this Taskmaster chapter.

In the final part of the show,

Alex will be up on the stage wearing Princess Diana's revenge dress

and a load of sausages.

LAUGHTER See you soon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the last part of the show.

Alex, are we about to finally find out what the hell is going on

in this current task?

Well, Greg I'm pleased to say, we are!

Which is less good news for Reece and Sanjeev.

So, let's get some answers with our dear friend Pam -

that's Phil, Ania, and Maisie, "Pam" -

their initials spell Pam.

LAUGHTER

Am I allowed out this ring? Hmm, it's up to you.

Can I open that?

"Every time you say the F word, F word, or F,

"your time is halved.

"Every time you say flipper,

"flippers, or flower..."

Oh. I said f...

LAUGHTER

F...Fuck!

"Every time one of your feet leaves the circle,

"your time is halved.

I'm just confused as to why there's a ring.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not mentioned in it, is it?

"Every time you laugh, your time is halved."

Well that's all right.

CHUCKLING: Am I missing something?

That was disappointing.

HE LAUGHS

"You must put the flippers on within ten actual minutes

"of entering this room, or you will be disqualified."

Ah. I was heading off...

..but then, I thought, you know, overnight and stuff,

that's just a step too far.

MAISIE: "After reading this,

"you must immediately return to the circle."

But I wasn't in the circle!

Oh, so I don't have to get back in the circle, cos I was never there.

Well, you can't return. Can't return somewhere you've not been.

"And the flippers must be where they were when you entered this room."

Correct.

But there's a lot of rules here, Alex, like...

..have a day off, do you know what I mean?

LAUGHTER

You look like you know what you're doing.

Yeah, this is always the key thing, I think, is to look like

you know what you're doing.

I thought there was going to be something with the flowers.

Ohh!

F...!

How do you know how to do a lasso knot? I don't.

HE CHUCKLES

So, I've gotta wait until it's just about to go ten minutes,

and put the flippers on?

Oh, f...!

How long left, Alex? I can't tell you that, Maisie.

You can't tell... What are you here for, then?

I'm here to write down how many times you say "flippers".

EXASPERATED SIGH

There's something else I'm missing here.

HE LAUGHS

What am I missing? LAUGHTER CONTINUES

OVERLAPPING LAUGHTER TURNS MANIACAL

What...what is it?

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Oh, you.

"After reading this, you must immediately return to the circle,

"and the flippers must be where they were when you entered this room.

Yeah. Do you want to give me the flippers?

We've gotta put them back. What?

So, I've gotta start again? Yeah.

Oh, come on I did the lasso thing!

HE LAUGHS

OK, I have all my supplies.

How long have you been in this room?

I think probably...

..seven minutes.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Lasso... Hey! Come on!

Oh...

Shall I stop the clock? Yeah.

Stopped the clock.

Stop the clock? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not laughing any more either.

All right. I've stopped the clock. Whoo.

Least I'll be leaving with my dignity.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The next time you get asked to write a ten-word autobiography,

that seven-minute thing's gotta go in.

Was that actually bang-on? It was uncanny, yeah. Really?

It was as the minute ticked over. Wow!

That's not funny, that's just cool.

LAUGHTER

So, I can tell you some stats, Greg.

Tell me them. Maisie, when you read the instructions,

panicked, and put the flippers on in a total of three minutes

and 52 seconds...

..which we then have to halve ten times

because of various...problems.

So, you completed the task in 0.22 seconds.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Seriously?

It's already better than Sanjeev and Reece.

Ania, the human clock,

finished it in nine minutes, 25 seconds. Whoa!

AUDIENCE GASPS

You only had to halve it seven times,

so about four-and-a-half seconds, she completed the task. OK.

Let's not bother with the next one.

LAUGHTER

Er, are we not leading to the joker being the winner?

Phil...

GREG IMITATES PHIL'S MANIACAL LAUGHTER

..had to complete the task in ten minutes.

He put the flippers on in ten minutes and five seconds.

AUDIENCE OHHS

If you hadn't done the lassoing, if you hadn't done the lassoing,

you would've done it in under ten minutes.

But I'm afraid, like the older men, he is disqualified. Ah!

So, only two scorers in that. Only two scorers.

It's 4 points to Maisie...

Oh, bloody - I'll take that, yeah. LAUGHTER

..and 5 points to Ania! Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a quick look at the scores, then.

Sanjeev is in the lead with 14 points!

OK, everyone, will you all please...

Ah! Stay put. ANIA AND MAISIE TITTER

ANIA AND MAISIE GASP BOTH: Ooh!

..for the final task of the show!

CASIO BEAT PLAYS

Whoa! Oh, whoa!

So, Greg, I think Phil should read the task.

OK, here we go. Ah-hem!

"Find the age of the mystery person.

"You must stay on your seats at all times.

"You may ask one question at a time,

"going from oldest to youngest,

"and you may only say two numbers each.

"The person may only say yes or no.

"First person to say the correct age wins."

So, there's someone behind that screen. Yeah.

You've got to work out their age by asking them questions.

The twist is, you can only say two numbers throughout the whole thing.

There will be only one winner of this task,

one person takes away 5 points, the rest gets 0.

MAISIE GASPS LOUDLY

Do you understand how high the stakes are now?

Yes, I do! Wow.

So, this time, we're going oldest to youngest.

Hello, Sanjeev. Thanks. LAUGHTER

You may ask our mystery person a question.

Er, are you in your third decade?

MODIFIED VOICE: No.

OK. Oh, come on!

REECE: When you look in the mirror, do you think you look old?

No.

Right, we're off! LAUGHTER

PHIL: Are you in a decade above the one Sanjeev mentioned?

No.

One is definitely a number. MAISIE: You mentioned a number!

What? One is a number. One is a number.

Oh, for f...! LAUGHTER

So, three questions down, one number gone for Phil.

Maisie, it's your turn.

Were you alive for the moon landing?

ANIA: Oh.

Yes.

GREG: I was, er, one.

Please don't help the contestants.

LAUGHTER

Does your number... start with letter S?

PHIL: Oh, that's a good one. Oh, Ania!

Yes. AUDIENCE OOHS

This is good. This is good.

Are the two numbers?

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS DISAPPROVINGLY

Well, you've only got one left.

but you might as well finish this question.

Er, are the two numbers in your age the same?

No.

GREG: Oh, this is lovely. OK.

It's a great question, you have sacrificed a number, though.

This is lovely. Reece?

Are you 68? ALEX GASPS

He's used a number, is it worth it?

No.

GREG: Oh! God, it was bold, though. Yeah!

LAUGHTER OK, we've ruled out 68.

Is the letter that follows the other letter of your age...

..an I, and that's not a Roman numeral?

LAUGHTER

No.

Oh. Huh?

Oh. Oh. Oh!

I-I'm not sure our mystery person's comp...

Do you mind asking the question again?

Does the letter that follows the other letter you mentioned

from...that part of your age begin with...

..the letter I?

Oh, and I don't mean Roman numeral - I thought that deserved more love.

LAUGHTER

I-It did deserve more. Thank you.

MODIFIED VOICE: I don't understand the question.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is the letter that follows the other letter that you mentioned

to spell out your age...an I?

Yes. Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It takes us down to one specific decade, for sure.

Can you ride the bus for free? No.

GREG: So, they can't ride the bus for free.

The bit that we've narrowed it down...about...

..is that number got curves?

LAUGHTER

Yes.

Were you born after the Cuban missile crisis?

No.

Does the second number...rhyme...

ANIA: Oh! ..with "more"?

No. Oh.

If it had done, Reece...

GREG: You would've given it to someone else.

Well, it's magnanimous.

I don't know if I should just guess.

Just guess, Phil.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

What a rush!

Are you...63 years old?

Yes.

It's Quentin, from series 13 and 18!

# Get to the stage to guess the age

# Get to the stage to guess the age... #

And is that your real voice, Quentin?

MODIFIED VOICE: I hope not. LAUGHTER

Quentin, thank you so much for being our guest,

we'll add up the scores and see how that affects the final scores.

Goodbye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was a high-octane round.

LAUGHTER

Is it on purpose, that that number is written all over the house?

Everything's on purpose. AUDIENCE GASPS

63 was the age of Quentin,

which means that Phil wins 5 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done, Phil!

And so... And so, sadly for Sanjeev,

who has not won an episode yet,

he's come second in this one. The winner, with 16 points,

is Phil Ellis! I've won again?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Phil Ellis wins!

Please head up to pick up some clothing

for the person I'm loathing!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here he is, the latest winner, Phil Ellis,

and little Alex Hooorne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media